Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org

[ wind howling ]

[ knife scraping, chopping ]

- I love how French it

sounds -- "en papillote."

I just made potted meat

Bernadette.

- It's just a piece of paper.

- I wanted to try something

new.

- Marybelle, what did you make?

- Just a dessert.

Probably won't be as good as

yours.

- Sug, we need to get a move

on.

- Well, let me cut it open

first.

Watch the steam, girls.

This thing is gonna be hot.

[ Delores Johnson's

"Try Me One Time" plays ]

- ♪ If your love refuses

to kiss you sometime ♪

♪ Don't worry

♪ Don't worry

♪ Come try one of mine

♪ For it's your love I'm

waiting for ♪

♪ Now and forever more

♪ Come try

♪ Just try me one time

♪ Mmm, if your love should leave

you and you're all alone ♪

♪ Don't worry

♪ Don't worry

♪ Just pick up the phone

♪ I promise that I'll be there

♪ Whenever you wish to call E ♪

♪ Just try

♪ Please try me one time

♪ If your biggest problem

♪ Is finding someone to love

♪ Don't worry

♪ Oh, my darling

♪ It's you I'm thinking of

♪ If your love refuses

to hold you sometime ♪

♪ Don't beg her

♪ Don't you beg her

♪ Just try

♪ Try one of mine

♪ I will hold you so close

to me ♪

♪ I'll love you so tenderly

♪ Just try

♪ Please try me one time

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Mm-mm-mm-mmm, mm-mmm

♪ Me one time

♪ Ooh, ooh

♪ Mm-mm-mm-mmm, mm-mmm

♪ Me one time

♪ Ooh, oh-Ooh

♪ Try me one time

- Jesus, it's armageddon out

here.

Let's mix up some daiquiris.

- Ooh.

- Now, be nice.

But I wanted to try something

new.

I used that meat spread with the

little devil on the front.

- Do you even know what's in

that stuff?

- And instead of flour and

milk, I just plopped in two cans

of cream of mushroom.

You're so right, Sugar.

- Condensed soup.

That's what we've got here --

Solid soup.

[ both laugh ]

- Why not have a potluck on

Sunday night?

With none of our husbands going

to work on Monday because of the

holidays, it might be a nice

change.

But to make it more exciting, we

could have a contest.

We could each bring a dish, and

we can let our husbands be the

judges.

- I don't know.

- I can't win against you guys.

- Finally some action around

here.

I've got a trick or two up my

sleeve.

- You've got a trick or two up

your skirt.

- Ladies, the war is on.

- Marybelle?

[ light laughter ]

Yay!

- Yay!

[ The Lovettes'

"Little Miss Soul" plays ]

- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ They call her miss soul

- ♪ Sing it, girl, with a

little bit of soul now ♪

- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ Ooh

- ♪ They call her miss soul

- ♪ If it's love that you

need ♪

♪ Won't you call me, baby?

♪ I think I'm just your speed

♪ So please call me, baby

♪ If you call and by some chance

you can't get through ♪

♪ Well, leave your name and your

number and I'll call you ♪

- ♪ I'll call you

- Well, hello, neighbors.

Come on in.

- Pleasure.

- Kitty.

Mwah!

The old lady's in the room,

fixing up.

- All right.

- Well, hello, Jerome.

- Hi. Great to see you, doll.

- You make a beautiful man,

Jerome.

[ smooches ]

And Les.

[ door closes ]

Hey, do you golf?

You should come play some holes

with sterling and me sometime.

- Well --

- Great! We'll play tomorrow.

Pick you up at 9:00.

Maximilian.

And Marybelle. Mwah.

- Conrad.

- Good.

Hey, why don't you all mix up

some martinis, and I'll go get

the old ball and chain?

Be back in two shakes.

- Max.

- Sterling.

- You're looking fit.

- Mm.

- You been working out?

- Oh, you know, just running

and messing a little with the

weights.

[ chuckling ] Burt.

- Maximilian.

Wow.

Wow, Florene, you look

fantastic.

- Why, thank you, darling.

Where are the girls?

- Kitchen.

- So, uh, Leslie, you still

working at the university?

- Yes, he's still answering the

president's phone.

- I like mine a little dirtier.

- Ahh.

- Uh, you got it.

- Hey!

You been messing with my stuff.

- Not tonight, Connie.

We've got company.

- Tweezers are upside down.

You've been using them on your

eyeb-- Fucking hair on them.

Don't touch my fucking shit.

You know better than that.

- When I was 5, my mother told

me I was adopted and she handed

me a bucket and some cleaning

supplies and she told me to get

to work.

I wrote my first poem that day.

- Good evening, ladies.

- Sug.

[ both smooch ]

- I'm telling a story.

- Oh, excuse me.

- I scribbled it on a piece of

toilet paper in between

scrubbing the pot.

It went like this -- "Dreams are

candy, and mothers are dark

smears on white porcelain."

[ laughs ]

I wrote a poem every day since,

a poem for every day of my life.

I would write while washing the

dishes or polishing the silver

or cleaning the vomit off the

carpet after one of my mother's

nightly binges.

Let's just say I grew up in the

perfect environment for a poet

to thrive.

- What the hell are you talking

about?

You don't even know what

a poem is.

- She's getting her poetry

straight from the bottle.

- I got started early.

- Child prodigy, a poet and a

drunk by the age of 5.

- [ sighs ]

- God.

- We're gonna have fun tonight.

I can feel it.

- Yesterday movie legend

Judy Garland was found dead in

the bathroom of her rented

Chelsea London house.

- Good lord.

- The coroner stressed that

there was no evidence to Suggest

she had committed suicide.

Even so, a British specialist

who had attended Garland said

she had been living on borrowed

time, due to cirrhosis of the

liver.

Garland had turned 47 just 12

days prior to her death.

Her "Wizard of Oz" costar

Ray Bolger commented, saying --

And I quote -- "She just plain

wore out."

- I always loved

"The Wizard of Oz."

- 47? That's too young.

- That's too bad.

- We saw her at Carnegie Hall.

- ♪ I love you

♪ Ooh, baby, baby

♪ I heard

- Is it time to eat yet?

- ♪ You had another girl

- My friends, here it is, the

first round of what will be

many.

- [ imitating gunfire ]

C-C-C-C-Casserole wars!

[ laughter ]

- And the inventor of tonight's

winning dish will receive this

groovy t-shirt!

- My father gave me a t-shirt

for my fifth birthday that read

"Daddy's little question mark."

- I don't know why we can't

just have a dinner party.

I hate this competition stuff.

- You know deep down inside

you're not gonna win.

- Jerome.

- Okay, honey, she's just

jealous you're a better cook.

- Oh.

- Dehydrated food and powder.

Am I supposed to believe an

astronaut can survive on Tang?

- Get with the reds.

I need food.

- Oh, Florene's hungry.

We better get on with it.

- Well, is everybody ready?

On your marks...

Get set...

And eat!

[ The Tren-Teens'

"Your Yah-Yah is Gone" plays ]

- ♪ You were sitting in your

yah-yah ♪

♪ Waiting for your wah-wah

♪ She was out a-havin' a ball

[ indistinct conversations ]

♪ You were sitting in your

yah-yah ♪

♪ Waiting for your wah-Wah

♪ She was out a-Havin' a ball

♪ Should have been worried

[ indistinct singing ]

♪ She was out a-havin' a ball

♪ Had you gotten out your

yah-yah ♪

♪ And looking for your wah-wah

- Before we dig in, I'd like us

all to raise our glasses.

To Sugar -- Thank you for

organizing this event.

- Sugar!

- To Sugar.

- To Sugar.

- Sugar!

- Sugar!

- Oleo, Burt?

Why do they call it oleo when

it's really margarine?

What the hell is oleo?

- Remember in "All About Eve"

when Bette Davis bites into that

raw green onion?

I'm currently having that same

experience.

- I don't know.

You know, I feel better if I

line the pan with foil.

Call it a quirk.

[ laughter ]

Is a pimento a pepper?

- Oh, no, a pimento's not a

pepper.

- A pepper's a vegetable.

- Pimento is a pepper.

- Yeah.

- You know, I always thought

Dr. Pepper was a real person.

- [ laughs ]

- Turns out he's not.

[ laughter ]

- Big piece of gristle in this

one.

- Not Sugar's.

- You know, I couldn't

personally eat sweetbreads.

It's the brains, right?

- Thymus.

- Thymus.

- Mm-Hmm.

- Yes, it is.

- What the hell is a thymus?

- It's a -- It's a gland in

your neck.

- I don't have a thymus.

- I mean in the calf's neck.

- Oh, no, not a calf.

That's horrible.

I could never eat a baby.

- Hands down the strangest

thing about us is that none

of us have had babies.

Some of us should have had

children.

- [ clears throat ]

- [ sighs ]

- [ sniffs ]

Wow.

Okay.

With four votes, the winner

tonight is...

[ hands tap, fingers snap ]

...The salmon en "pappalot."

- Oh!

- [ chuckles ]

- It's "salmon en papillote."

- The t-shirt.

- Wow.

[ chuckles ]

Look.

- You win.

- Yes.

- Here, Connie, this one's

for you.

- To the salmon!

- I bet what happened is that

everyone burned their mouths on

the first bite and their taste

buds were useless because that

was definitely not the best dish

tonight.

- No.

- I'm sorry.

It was not the best dish

tonight.

- Jerome, you don't have to be

so defensive about it.

- Jerome has written a note --

"the salmon tastes like a

spoonful of cunt."

- [ laughing ] Jerome!

[ laughter ]

- Jerome.

You can't say that word.

You can't say that word out

loud.

- You know, honey, there isn't

a word like that for men,

though -- Cunt.

- Maximilian Beedum!

- I'm just saying there isn't a

derogatory term for men as ugly

as "cunt."

- Stop saying it.

- Well, if you think about it,

"pencil dick" is pretty damn

bad.

- Nah, "pencil dick" doesn't

have the same hard-consonant

sounds and the abruptness of the

word "cunt."

"Cunt" is a mighty word.

[ laughter ]

- How about "You are a fag"?

- Oh, she's got it.

That's it -- The ugly "ah"

sound, followed by the hard

"guh."

"Fag."

"Fag."

- It's a loaded word, man,

a loaded word.

F-A-G is the awfulest.

I mean, it's much worse than

that word "cunt."

- That's bullshit, Sterling.

- No, it is worse.

F-A-G is to question our

masculinity, the very essence of

who men are.

"Cunt" just refers to your --

- Baby funnel?

[ laughter ]

- I sometimes think men are the

stupidest creatures to walk the

face of the Earth.

I really do.

- Oh, but I just love saying

dirty words.

Fuck, yes, I do.

Repeat after me, ladies and

gentlemen.

[ clears throat ]

Shit.

- Together: Shit!

- [ laughs ]

- Fuck.

- Together: Fuck!

[ laughter ]

- Cocksucker.

- Together: Cocksucker!

[ laughter ]

- Felt good.

[ laughter ]

- Marybelle, try it.

It feels good.

[ laughter ]

- Try it!

- Try it!

- Come on!

- Shit.

[ laughter ]

- Na zdorov'e.

- Together: Na zdorov'e!

- Well, should we play a game?

- No, let's just put on some

tunes and go.

- How about we play Agnew's

favorite, "Pin the blame on the

donkey?"

- Has everyone here played

Railroad Tracks?

- What's that?

Honey, have we played that?

- No.

- Burt, I love it.

- When I was 13, I got molested

on some railroad tracks by an

albino.

The moon made his skin glow so

brightly.

I just pretended I was having

sex with a light bulb.

[ hiccups ]

- That's charming, Flo.

- [ laughs ]

- Railroad tracks is a physical

game.

It's about balance and control.

The game requires concentration,

the ability to connect your body

and your mind.

So, Marybelle, you up for it?

- Come on, Marybelle.

- Come on.

- Attagirl.

- You can do it.

- Three cheers for Marybelle!

- Hip, hip...

- Hooray!

- Hip, hip...

- Hooray!

- Hip, hip...

- Hooray!

- [ laughs ]

- Ah!

- Whoo!

- What are we gonna use for

tracks?

- Belts.

- Hey, Sugar, run to the room

and get all the belts.

[ hands clap ]

- We need more room.

- All right, men, let's move

this sofa back.

- Let's get this out of the

way.

- Somebody help.

There we go.

- Right. Come on.

One, two, three.

- [ laughs ]

...Buy this sofa?

- Yeah.

- Marybelle needs to focus.

Marybelle needs to focus.

[ chuckles ]

- Thank you, baby.

- [ giggles ]

- Okay, Marybelle, the idea of

the game is that you have to

walk on the tracks that we made.

The object is to walk the entire

length of the tracks without

falling off.

Your feet have to stay on the

belts.

The floor is hot lava.

Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!

Ohh! Ohh! Hot! Hot!

- But that's so easy.

- Yes, it would be, but you've

got to walk the entire tracks

wearing this blindfold.

- Together: Ohh!

- All right.

- Oh!

- [ laughs ]

Careful. Be careful of my hair.

- First we've got to spin her.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, spin her!

Spin her!

- Ready?

- Mm-Hmm.

[ sighs ]

- There she goes.

- [ laughs ]

- Okay, that's good.

That's good.

[ laughter ]

- There we go.

- Okay, I need my feet on the

tracks.

- Let's get the feet on the

tracks here.

- Careful.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- And then you just walk

forward.

- Here I come.

- [ imitates train chugging ]

- [ laughs ]

- Careful.

- Whoo! Whoo!

- Keep on the tracks!

- Am I on the tracks?

- Yeah, Marybelle.

- Somebody's gonna catch me if

I fall, right?

- Whoo!

- Hold on, Marybelle.

Hold on. Hold on.

Wait one second.

- Oh.

- Okay, now, darling, I want

you --

[ laughter ]

Act like you're in ballet class

and do a plié.

And one...

- What are you guys doing?

- This is part of the

coordination test.

It's okay.

- And one...

And two -- Yes! --

And three.

- Shake your hips.

- Very graceful.

- [ laughing ] I'm gonna fall.

- Okay, little choo-choo.

Okay, little choo-choo, come on

down the track a little further.

- You're almost done.

- [ imitating train chugging ]

- Whoo! Whoo!

- There you go, Marybelle.

Okay, we need a little --

- Whoo! Whoo!

[ laughter ]

- Come on down. Come on down.

- Okay, stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

- Okay.

- Let me see a couple more

deep knee bends.

- Okay.

- Follow the ballet master.

- And down.

- [ laughs ]

- Deeper, deeper, deeper.

There you go.

- Oh, my knees are gonna give

out!

- Back up. Back up. Back up.

Back up. Back up.

- Come on, now.

- Now down. Down one more time.

- This is the last one.

- Whoo! Whoo!

- Full head of steam.

[ laughter ]

- "Full head" is right.

One more thing, one more thing.

Okay, are you ready?

- Mm-Hmm.

- On the count of three, you

can take off your blindfold.

And...

- Together: One...

Two...

Three!

[ laughter ]

- Yay!

- Beautiful, beautiful job.

[ laughter ]

- You are all assholes!

- Georgia fucking O'Keeffe.

Georgia fucking O'Keeffe.

[ indistinct conversations ]

- Well, perhaps we could

deep-fry a Moon Pie.

- [ groaning ]

- I like the direction you're

heading.

- Well, we could -- We could

deep-fry two Moon Pies...

- [ laughs ]

- ...Until they're golden

brown.

And then we could drain them and

spread soft vanilla ice cream in

between them and then dip the

whole thing in chocolate and put

it in the freezer.

- I think I'm in love with you.

[ laughter ]

- That sounds delicious.

- Is my brain shrinking?

Can you tell if my brain is

shrinking?

- Have another drink, Leslie.

- Can you see it through my

eyes?

- Make it a double.

- Is it working?

- Yeah. Double what?

- A double -- What are you

drinking?

- Here, I'll trade you.

- Okay. Okay.

- It's not my fault.

- I know it's not your fault,

but I want you to apologize

anyway.

- I'm not apologizing.

It was just some having fun.

- Give me a kiss.

- No.

- Give me a kiss.

- Have a drink.

[ chuckles ]

- Honey?

- I have another game for us to

play.

Max, come to mama.

- Wait a minute.

What kind of a game?

- It's a special kind.

- Is that a recipe tin?

- Mm-hmm.

- What are the recipes?

- Well, they're rather unique.

- This is just a list of

ingredients.

- What does it say?

- "Ice cubes."

I don't understand.

You put an ice cube --

[ scoffs ]

[ laughter ]

- I didn't see it. What is it?

- [ laughs ]

- [ laughs ]

[ laughter ]

- You might be missing

something.

- Holy shit, holy shit.

I just realized something.

[ stifled laughter ]

I just realized this.

"Casserole" has the word

"ass" in it.

[ laughter ]

It does!

Sound it out. It does.

- All right.

- All right, forgive me,

people.

But I'm gonna be honest.

I am capital-"H" horny.

- Oh, darling, that is not

news.

- No news at all, Burt.

- I can't say "horny" 'cause it

reminds me of zebras.

- Zebras don't have horns.

- But they should.

- With the stripes?

- Jerome, read another one of

those cards.

- Horn stripe.

- Horn stripe?

- Aww, this is so precious.

Get your waders out, boys.

All this one says is, "Turn to

the person on your left and tell

them one thing you like about

them" -- And in parentheses,

"physical."

- Sugar, you have a beautiful

mouth.

It is a chasm of beauty, and I

should know 'cause I want to

spelunk into it.

[ laughter ]

- Thank you, Leslie.

- No, I don't -- Let's not do

this one.

I don't want to do this one.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Quiet.

- Sugar, we'll just try, and

then we'll --

- Shh. Quiet.

I am about to turn my head to

the left.

- ♪ Da da da

- Max Beedum, you are gorgeous.

And every woman in this room

thinks so, too.

- Sugar!

- Hey, that's my husband.

[ laughter ]

- I thought we were gonna say

it and move on.

- Okay, Max.

- Connie, don't be jealous.

- Kitty.

- Yes?

- I think...

You have great tits.

- Watch it.

[ laughter ]

- I'm with you all the way,

buddy!

[ laughs ]

- Well, she does.

- Kitty. Go.

- Okay!

I'm going, bossy.

[ sighs ]

Connie...

Your eyes...

I seriously cannot look into

your eyes for too long because

if I do, I just want to jump on

you and take you on a Kitty

vacation.

[ laughter ]

- Down, Kitty, down.

- Meow!

[ laughs ]

- Okay. Me.

[ clears throat ]

Marybelle.

- Watch it now.

- Hear, hear.

- Hmm.

To put it simply, I love your

ass.

I love every slope and curve

of your bottom.

I love spending time with you,

but watching you walk away is

one of the supreme pleasures of

my life.

If I could, I would eat every

meal off of your rump.

I want to make a mold of your

rear end so I can hang it on the

wall next to my bed so I can

spend every night staring at

your ass.

- Conrad.

- That's enough, now.

- Enough.

- Now, Sugar, don't be jealous.

- Stop.

- Thank you.

- Sterling.

- Yes?

- I think...You have...

Very strong-looking hands.

- [ chuckles ]

- Aww.

[ laughter ]

- [ laughing ] Thanks, I think.

[ both laugh ]

- Florene...

- Yes, my dear?

- [ laughs ]

You give me some goose pimples.

- Is that all?

- And you smell really nice.

- It's Estée...Lauder.

[ both laugh ]

But you already know that.

- Oh, wait a minute.

That's not fair.

They're married.

- Yeah!

- [ laughs ]

- Naughty boy.

- Oh, go to him.

- Oh. Okay, Leslie...

- Mm-Hmm.

- Um...

I'm proud to call you my friend.

- Ohh.

- Isn't that sweet?

- That's nice.

- Boring.

- That's not physical at all.

Thank you.

- Oh, it's not physical.

Uh...

Oh, you're -- I always thought

you had great eyebrows.

- Mr. Burt, thank you.

That -- Thank you for that

compliment.

I'm stirred.

- So, we've made the rounds.

Onto the next card.

- I don't think we need to play

anymore.

- No, we can't stop in the

middle.

- I don't understand these

games.

I mean, how do we know who's

winning and who's losing?

- I don't have a fucking clue.

- That's not the point,

darling.

- This one's good.

I really like this one.

It'll be fun.

"Lay on the ground with your

heads touching and let your

brains synchronize.

- [ whistles ]

- [ humming ]

- Um...

[ chuckles ]

Maybe we should try another one.

- Yeah.

[ laughter ]

- Well, then, is everybody

ready for another game?

- Angel...

- Sterling, how about this one?

- "Grab each other and start

swinging."

- How do we do that?

- Oh, oh, I know.

I know. I know.

Connie, come here a sec.

Grab your arms like this.

- Oh, we used to do this

when we were kids!

It's fun!

- Kitty, come here.

Come on. Sit down.

Okay. Ready?

Now start swinging.

[ grunts ]

I think -- I think --

[ laughter ]

- Oh, I want to do it.

- [ laughing ] Four...

And five...

And six...

[ laughter ]

- Now we let her go in two.

- Oh!

- Whoo!

Jeepers.

[ chuckles ]

- Holy mother of kiss.

- That's my gal.

- Mama wants to swim!

- Daddy wants to swim.

- Come on, boys.

What are you waiting for?

- [ giggling ]

- Let's play Marco Polo.

[ chuckles ]

- Is this real? I guess...

- [ squeals ]

- You do have a great ass.

[ hand slaps ]

- Connie.

Thanks.

[ silverware clinking ]

- [ chuckles ]

- I love Jello.

- Oh, I like it, too.

[ chuckling ]

[ chuckles ]

[ chuckles ]

[ chuckles ]

[ both moaning ]

[ moaning continues ]

[ moaning continues ]

- [ moaning ]

[ both grunting ]

- [ moaning ]

[ birds chirping ]

- [ gasps ]

[ door closes ]

- [ groans lightly ]

Mm.

Connie?

Mm.

[ exhales sharply ]

What time is it?

Where are you going, Connie?

- To the club.

- I hadn't realized you had a

game today.

Connie, come here.

I have something I could show

you.

- I've already seen it.

- [ sniffles ]

- I'll be back before dinner.

- Well, have a nice time!

[ keys jangling ]

- Good morning.

- I squeezed you some fresh

orange juice.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- I'm going to the country

club to play a round of golf

with Leslie and Connie.

- Okay.

Uh, what time will you be home

for supper?

- I'm not sure. It depends.

- Okay.

Well, just take your time.

[ giggles ]

Would you like me to make

anything specific?

Uh...

Whatever you'd like.

- How about chicken?

I can use Marybelle's recipe.

You seem to enjoy that.

- Sure, if it isn't any

trouble.

- [ laughing ] No, no trouble

at all.

- Bye, dear.

- Bye.

[ egg beaters whirring ]

- Morning, Les.

- Quite the party last night.

Hope the other golfers don't

stare.

You know they'll know.

- Jesus.

Look at that broad.

[ dog barking ]

Oh, sterling, you got it lucky.

- Lucky?

- Sure, you got a wife with

great tits, lets you do whatever

you want.

Sounds like heaven to me.

- She's -- No.

- Poor old les has a wife built

like a man, and I'm tied up to a

cadaver.

I can't help it if I'm horny.

I'm a man.

I mean, our job is to be horny,

right?

[ laughing ] Right?

- Sure.

- Right, les?

- I'll get back to you on that.

- Yeah. No big deal.

No big deal.

[ engine turns over ]

[ telephone rings ]

- Hello?

- Oh, Max, thank God it's you.

It's Sugar.

Listen, I just really wanted to

apologize for last night.

I feel --

- Don't worry.

You were a tigress last night.

- Oh, Max.

- Hello?

- I got it.

- Hi, Marybelle.

- Sugar?

- It's me, Sugar.

- I'll let you two gals talk.

- What is it, Sugar?

- Um, I just wanted to let you

know that I washed and dried

your casserole dish and it's

ready for you anytime you'd like

to pick it up, okay?

- Oh.

Thank you.

- Okay, I've got to run now,

all right?

Okay. Bye.

[ dial tone ]

[ door creaks ]

[ unzipping ]

[ grunts lightly ]

[ exhales heavily ]

[ breathing heavily ]

[ blood dripping ]

- I'm going to bed now.

- I've got some more reading

to do.

- Good night.

- Night.

[ sighs ]

[ crickets chirping ]

[ exhales heavily ]

- [ growls ]

- Mmm.

Last night was really good.

We should -- We should do that

more often.

- Yeah, well, our friends are

so uptight.

I mean, it's never taken that

long to get a group in the...

- Oh, they're a bunch of

catholics.

- Or worse.

- Republicans?

[ both laugh ]

- See, now, that's why I

married you.

- Did you see that

Kitty Bloom's tits?

- Oh, now, pussy cat.

Now, these -- These are tits

right here.

- You are a little rascal.

- Yes, I am.

- You hungry?

- I'm hungry.

- I'll make your favorite for

dinner tonight.

- Green beans and ham?

- Green bean Florene.

- [ smooching ]

♪ If you suck my peter

- [ laughs ]

- ♪ You ain't gonna be no

cheater ♪

♪ Because I'm about respect

Mmm.

- Come here.

I love you.

- Ooh.

[ birds chirping ]

- ♪ Bum bum bum bum

♪ Bum bum bum bum

♪ Bum bum bum b-b-b-bum

♪ Bum bum bum

- ♪ Ooh

♪ Change in you

- ♪ Bum bum bum b-b-b-bum

♪ Bum bum bum

- ♪ Ooh

♪ Change in you

- ♪ Bum bum bum b-b-b-bum

- ♪ There's a change in you

- ♪ Change in you

- ♪ I know, baby

♪ There's a change in you

- It's pigs.

On a cloud.

- It looks like Stonehenge.

- It's...very interesting,

Kitty.

I mean -- [ chuckles ]

Are we meant to use the little

wieners as utensils?

- Jesus, the tension in here is

as thick as Nixon.

- We don't have to talk

about it.

- Come on.

We can't even look at each other

in the eye.

It's ridiculous.

It was just sex.

- I'm not a sex person.

- I think what we need to do is

just all have another party,

have a few drinks, some nice

hors d'oeuvres --

- Are you insane?

- I don't know.

- Either that, or we turn into

bitter, dried-up old prunes.

- What we did was not normal.

- What we did was get bombed.

- Jerome is right.

We just drank a little too much,

is all.

- Oh, right, blame it on the

liquor.

- You know what they say --

What happens when you're drunk

doesn't count.

- Well, we were much better

off before we made it a contest.

- We just trampled all over our

vows.

- Come on. Grow up.

- We're animals.

Get used to it.

There will be no more dissenting

voices.

We're a club, and we stick

together no matter what, right,

girls?

- I think what we need to do is

just follow the example of the

hippies and have a group hug or

hold hands or something.

- Perfect.

[ clears throat ]

- Maybe we can all burn our

bras.

[ laughter ]

- [ clears throat ]

Well, what, uh, dishes are we

voting on tonight?

- [ chuckles ]

- Oh, well, um...

Kitty made some pigs on a cloud.

Uh, Marybelle made cheesy

italian.

Jerome -- Her cheese enchiladas.

- Ooh.

- I made Maximum crab crunch.

Florene --

I'm sorry.

I cannot remember what it is

you made.

- I didn't make a casserole.

- But I thought that we were

all going to make casseroles

tonight.

- I made an appetizer.

- Cookies as an appetizer?

Oh, I love you.

[ light laughter ]

- Darling.

- Thank you.

- I call them identity bars.

- Identity bars?

- They're delicious.

- Is it a cookie?

Is it a cake?

Is it a bar?

Which is it?

- Mmm, yummy, yummy.

- How exotic.

Is that ginger that I taste?

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

Creamy.

- Max, you have a crumb on your

chin.

- Tell me -- Did you get the

recipe off the side of the eagle

brand sweetened condensed milk

can?

- I did, but I also added a few

personal touches.

- Sure, sure, who doesn't

doctor a recipe?

Got to make it your own.

- Mmm.

Mm-Hmm.

- Here you go.

[ laughs ]

- I didn't get a...

- Mmm, they taste really good

with whiskey.

- These bars look fantastic.

I'm actually ready to vote right

now -- Best dish of the night.

- [ squeals ]

[ both laugh ]

- Why do my eyebrows feel like

they're falling away?

- Florene...

These bars wouldn't have

anything to do with space, would

they?

- Max, are my eyebrows still

there?

- I made them in honor of

Apollo 11.

- I love you, Alice B. Toklas.

- Honey, my hairs are high.

- Whoa!

- [ laughing ] Oh, shit, shit,

shit.

Oh, shit.

[ both laugh ]

- [ exhales heavily ]

- Oh, come here, baby.

- I'm gonna taste like vodka

now.

- Ooh, look at me!

I'm a dancing tree.

[ laughs ]

- En garde!

[ laughter ]

Take that!

Take that!

Take that!

[ laughter ]

You bastard! I'm gonna get you!

- No, no, no, no.

- Unh!

Unh!

- Shit.

What am I gonna do with a split

banana?

- Let's eat it.

[ laughter ]

[ up-tempo pop music playing ]

[ laughter ]

- Freeze!

Looks like we've got us some

hooligans up here in these

parts.

- [ southern accent ] Yes,

ma'am.

Looks like we ought to frisk

them.

- Drop the belt.

- Excuse me, ma'am.

Can you turn down your

headlights?

I ain't checking under the hood.

- [ laughs ]

- Come out, now, nice and slow.

- Take me.

- You've been a bad boy,

haven't you?

[ both moaning lightly ]

[ door closes ]

- Oh!

[ groaning ]

[ both moaning ]

- [ laughs ]

[ pounding on door ]

[ moaning continues ]

- [ laughing ]

[ coughs ]

[ moaning continues ]

[ both breathing heavily ]

[ door opens ]

- Ohh!

[ vomiting ]

- Do you still like me?

[ lock engages ]

I still like you.

I love you.

[ water running ]

- [ exhales heavily ]

- ♪ Someday

♪ He will come along

♪ Someday

♪ And he'll be big and strong

♪ Someday

♪ He will come along

♪ Mm-Hmm

♪ Come along

♪ Someday he'll come along

♪ That man I love

♪ Someday he'll come along

♪ That man I love

♪ Oh, lord, won't you send

him? ♪

- Hello, Max.

- ♪ Won't you send him to me?

- It's pretty isolated up here.

Good job.

- It's my private spot.

It's where I come to think...

- ♪ Tired of being lonely

- ...And to be alone.

- ♪ I'm tired of being blue

- I made us a picnic lunch.

- I don't really have time to

eat.

- ♪ ...For a miracle

♪ And that miracle must come

true ♪

♪ Oh, lord, won't you send

him? ♪

♪ Won't you send him my way?

♪ Oh, I'm so lonely

♪ I'm so blue

♪ I need someone to love me

♪ Someone who'll be true

♪ I'm down on my knees

♪ I'm begging you, please

♪ Won't you help me, somebody?

♪ Help me, somebody

♪ Won't you send him to me?

♪ Mmm

[ birds chirping ]

- Honestly, my favorite thing

is when Kitty rubs my monster

while I watch

"The Carol Burnett Show."

[ laughter ]

- How is that the subject of

our conversations always turn to

sex?

- 'Cause people like to talk

about the things that they want

and they never get.

- Romance?

- Like blowjobs.

- Yeah, buddy, with you all the

way.

[ chuckles ]

- My wife's vagina looks like a

parenthesis with an afro.

- Well, I'm not sure I

understand vaginas.

- What's to understand?

A pussy is a doorway.

You go in, and you come out.

Les, you're up, buddy.

- Whereas my wife won't even

give me a blowjob.

I mean, I go down on her, and

everything's fine, but when it

comes to returning the favor,

she always says, "No, no, no,

it's not ladylike."

I mean, what's not ladylike

about that?

- You should try my wife.

She gives great blowjobs.

- Are you kidding, man?

- Flo knows what a man needs.

> Ask Connie.

He's been on the receiving end.

- Flo knows.

[ laughter ]

See, fellas, we're about

symbiosis.

The women -- They bring the main

dish, and the men -- They bring

the dessert.

- That little casserole thing

that they've got going on --

It's like a gift waiting under

the tree...for us to open.

- [ laughs ]

So, you guys should come over

friday night, bring the wives.

- It'll be fun.

- Say again.

- You have to populate.

♪ Populate

[ laughter ]

- Oh, I'll be sure to bring

Patti.

- It's time to act like ancient

Romans.

- Men, grab your sticks.

It's time to throw our balls

around.

[ light laughter ]

- Right.

- I'm a little uncomfortable

with stereotypes.

- Do you like the way I look in

this?

- Sure.

- What does that mean?

Do you think I look pretty?

- Doll, I've lived with you for

12 years, and I'm not gonna fall

into your circle of

conversation.

- It's not a circle.

It's communication.

Just a simple answer.

Just look at me and tell me if

you think I look pretty.

Say yes or no.

- You look delicious.

If you were a cake, I'd eat

you up.

- There.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

I don't know, though.

I think this belt hits me a

little high in the waist.

I don't have a waist.

Where are you going?

- In the tv room, where there's

no belts.

- You don't care how I look at

all, do you?

You wouldn't mind if I walked

around in front of our friends

without a waist.

- Belle, why don't you just

take the belt off?

- And look like a shapeless

sack?

No, thank you.

You're so clueless about

fashion.

Max, please.

I just finally got my makeup

right.

[ birds chirping ]

- Sterling.

- Ned.

- Hail Caesar.

- When in Rome, when in Rome.

- Kit, I'd like you to meet Ned

an Marjorie Lavon.

Ned, Marjorie, this is my wife,

Kitty.

And this is Gayle and

Patti Parker.

- What a lovely home.

And your Haciendas -- They're so

beautiful.

- They're Hydrangeas, darling.

- But I'm fine.

Not fine -- I'm --

What does "fine" mean, anyway?

It's such a nothing word.

I've...been okay.

I'm sound. I'm with it.

I'm...Groovy.

[ chuckles ]

[ laughing ] I feel so stupid.

I try to sound relevant, and I

just can't sell it, can i?

- No.

- I mean, "I'm groovy" -- What

does that mean?

I mean, it means I'm -- Mlah!

It sounds like something an

album would say.

I mean, if you were gonna

anthropomorphize an album, it

would be right in saying, "i'm

groovy."

[ laughs ]

- Take a swig of this.

- [ coughs ]

Good lord, Jerome, what is that,

turpentine?

- Just about.

Leslie has a still in the

basement.

- Jerome, we're not in the

hills of Tennessee.

This is a respectable community.

- Respectable, my ass.

- Screw it.

I want to get drunk.

Give me more.

- That's it, Sugar.

Let it all go.

- [ exhales heavily ]

- [ laughs ]

- I mean, who are those people,

anyway?

I don't want them here.

I thought this party was just

for us -- private.

Oh.

Hello, Max.

- I made Shepherd's Pie.

I ground the Spam myself.

[ birds chirping ]

- Damn arthritis.

I hate our bodies.

You know, it's a design flaw

that they start falling apart

before we die.

Who on earth thought of that,

anyway?

- The Lord God in heaven above,

of course.

He created us.

- Well, he should have had his

damn license revoked, giving an

expiration date to a

consciousness.

How cruel.

How fucking cruel is that?

[ laughs ]

- He gave you life, after all.

Don't forget that.

- What he gave me is the

ability to know that I'm going

to die, and I find that

excruciating.

So, go ahead and believe in your

god if you must, but at least

acknowledge the fact that he is

most psychopathic serial killer

of all time.

I mean, if any one of us were to

just reach across the table and

strangle the life out of her,

would it make any difference to

the world?

I mean, her god kills people all

the time, every day.

So, it must be all right for us

to do the same thing.

Wouldn't you think?

Hypothetically speaking.

- Oh, is there anything I can

do to help?

- No, honey, we're just

getting ready.

- Excuse me.

- Are you sure?

- So, forgive me for not

knowing, but do we take our

clothes off now or later?

I've just never done this kind

of thing before.

- Whenever you feel like,

honey.

- What?

- Well, Gayle didn't tell me if

we'd be screwing each other

before dinner or after dinner.

- [ gasps ]

- Which is it?

[ laughter ]

- Ned, sweetie, we're going.

- We just got here.

We're not leaving yet.

- Something's come up at

church.

- I don't want to go.

- I know what's going on here.

I'm not an idiot.

- Marjorie, take the car and go

home.

- What?

- Take the car and go home.

- Ned lavon, I'm your wife.

[ scoffs ]

- Nice to meet you, marjorie.

- Poor bastard.

- Drive safe.

- I'll drink to that.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

- Oh [chuckles] Hi.

- Let me help you.

- Okay.

- ♪ Tell me, baby

♪ Do you love me?

♪ Or do you take me

♪ For a fool?

♪ You made eyes at other men

♪ And now tell me what

♪ Am I to do?

♪ Please don't fool me

♪ Let me know

♪ If you don't love me

♪ Tell me so

♪ Now, do you love me?

[ mid-tempo pop music playing ]

- [ laughing ]

[ breathing heavily ]

[ snarling ]

[ chuckles ]

[ both laugh ]

Pour -- pour me one, too, Tiger.

[ both laugh ]

- Are you as thirsty as I am?

- Oh, you bet.

[ glass clinks ]

- Sterling?

- Yes?

- [ chuckles ]

This is fun, man.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Oh, damn it.

Ran out of booze.

[ bottle thuds ]

- Nah, it's cool.

We can share.

[ up-tempo Motown music

playing ]

[ indistinct singing ]

- Mnh.

[ gasps ]

[ sighs ]

Hey, sterling, I can't.

Um, I don't think I can kiss a

man 'cause I'm a Christian.

- Me, too, man.

Christians make the best lovers.

- [ breathing heavily ]

- Remember -- Judas kissed

Christ.

- ♪ If you're lonely

[ singing indistinctly ]

- In a scene described by one

investigator as reminiscent of a

weird religious rite, five

persons, including actress

Sharon Tate...

- [ crying ]

- ...Were found dead at the

home of Ms. Tate and her

husband, screen director

Roman Polanski.

Ms. Tate, who starred in "The

Valley of the Dolls," was eight

months pregnant and was found in

a bikini-type nightgown with a

rope around her neck, attached

to the body of a man.

- Two bodies inside, two bodies

outside.

- Among the other victims were

hollywood hair stylist

Jay Sebring and coffee heiress

Abigail Folger.

Authorities found nobody in

unofficial capacity inside the

plush $200,000 home in the

Hollywood hills overlooking

Los Angeles.

When police arrived, they found

the telephone and electricity

lines cut.

The bodies had been dead about

12 hours, discovered this

morning by a maid who ran

screaming to the neighbors.

An officer summed up the murders

when he said, "In all my years,

I've never seen anything like

this before."

[ crickets chirping ]

- Why did the philosopher

drown?

Because he jumped in the lake

and thought about swimming.

[ birds chirping ]

- Ohh, Jesus.

[ exhales sharply ]

Déjà vu.

[ chuckles ]

[ inhales sharply ]

Aah!

- Is he dead?

- Get in.

- Is he dead?

- Honey --

- No. Is he dead?

- Honey --

- No. Is he?

- Honey.

- Patti, don't come outside.

- No. Leslie!

Ugh!

Let me go!

- He's dead!

- Let me go!

- He's dead.

- [ breathing heavily ]

He's moving.

[ cries ]

- You want to take a ride?

- I have to ask my dad, and

he's not here.

- What's she doing over there?

- Every time somebody says

"groovy" on on the television,

she's taking a drink.

- Does my face look red to you?

- Marybelle, you are always so

concerned with your face.

- Do you think angels live in

our hair?

- Marybelle?

- Angels.

Do you think angels in live our

hair?

I think angels are real and tiny

and transparent and they live in

our hair.

Sometimes they sit and dangle

their feet over the top of our

ears so that they can give us

advice when we're having

trouble.

- Marybelle.

[ can opener whirring ]

- [ sniffles ]

- Jerome?

- I can do the headstand,

Leslie.

Want to see?

You like that?

- Uh, Jerome --

- Oh, no. Jerome, Jerome,

we're not gonna do this.

- Jerome, get down.

- Jerome, no.

[ indistinct arguing ]

- [ crying ] I want to die!

- Okay, babe.

It's okay.

It's okay, babe.

- [ cries ]

- I think I know how to make

that happen right now.

- What a mess.

- Sit down, and I'll get you

your dinner.

- Another bubbling concoction

of crap?

Why can't we ever have a real

meal?

- Well, this one is turkey

turkey divan strata, and you

love it.

I made it for you our first

night in this house.

Do you remember, Connie?

- Steak would be a good meal.

You're too lazy to cut up some

real vegetables and grill me a

piece of meat?

- Well, this has turkey in it

and it's got some spinach and

it's very, very good for you,

Connie.

- Sterling says Kitty makes a

different meal every night.

[ chair legs scrape ]

- Kitty is not creative.

- What about roast chicken?

I would love a roast chicken.

- Kitty is my very good friend.

I can assure you, she is not

roasting chickens.

Kitty does not know how to bake

a potato.

- You don't even try.

You do nothing.

Hell, even the can opener does

the work for you.

Connie, today was Leslie's day.

I didn't have time to truss you

a bird.

- "i didn't have time to truss

you a bird."

You're a stupid little hole,

you know that?

[ liquid pours ]

[ bottle thuds ]

- Connie, I saw you fucking

that bitch.

And I saw that you liked it.

Is it 'cause she was a stranger?

Is that what it takes now,

Connie, a stranger?

- Do you really want to get

into this now?

- Well, I'm just not so sure

why you invited those people

into our house.

They're not part of our little

group.

- You mean they had nothing to

do with you and Max Beedum.

- I don't know what you're

talking about.

- Oh, come on, Sugar.

Be honest.

You've been wet for Max since

they moved across the street.

I know how that deceitful mind

of yours works.

You couldn't wait to get Max

inside you.

You planned that party, got us

all drunk so you'd have an

excuse to live out your fantasy.

- I'll tell you something.

You take things, and you mess it

around.

I don't know how to reach you

anymore, Connie.

I don't know how to talk to you!

- You don't know what you're

talking about.

- Would you like one scoop,

or would you like two?

- I don't want your fucking

casserole!

I am sick of it.

I'm sick of you.

I'm sick of this house.

I'm sick of your whiny mouth.

- I made you that dinner,

Connie.

You used to like that dish!

You used to love, love, love

turkey divan strata!

I worked hard to make dinner

tonight because I wanted to make

you happy!

I work hard to make you happy,

Connie, and you ruin it!

You ruined our dinner!

You get drunk and you get mad

and you ruin everything!

You lock yourself in that

fucking bathroom and you -- You

go after that -- Whatever you do

to yourself, Connie!

Your leg.

Your leg looks like raw

hamburger meat!

How am I supposed to love that?

- Shut your fucking mouth!

- [ crying ]

Just stop it.

Just...Stop it.

[ sniffles ]

[ breathing heavily ]

Connie...

I'm pregnant.

- Whore.

Isn't that an ugly word?

Hmm?

I think it's the hard "h"

sound -- "hah" -- Followed by

that hard "r" -- "orr."

It's a really ugly word, isn't

it?

"Whore."

You almost have to expectorate

to say it.

"Whore"!

I think that's what makes it

such a horrible word, not just

the consonants hitting each

other, but it takes effort to

say it.

"Whore"!

You really have to push to get

it out.

- [ crying ] Help me.

Just help me.

- [ crying ] Whore.

Whore!

- No.

Don't leave me, Connie.

Please don't leave me.

- Get off of me.

- Please don't leave me,

Connie.

Connie, come back here, please.

Please, Connie.

I'm just so sorry!

Connie, I'm sorry!

Please come back here!

Connie!

- I'm a lemon.

I'm a bag of Jello.

Look at me. I'm a yeti.

- Oh, no, you're not.

- You're thick.

I like you fine just the way you

are.

- I'm a...Ballast.

- Don't be ridiculous.

We're in this together,

remember?

- [ sighs ]

Look.

Okay?

I'm not exactly a tasty dish.

- What are you talking about?

You are the most beautiful woman

I have ever seen.

I'm a manatee.

God, when did this happen?

I'm not even a man anymore.

- Of course you are.

You're my man.

- I'm not.

I'm a dump truck.

I'm a cruise liner.

I'm the darn Isthmus of Panama.

- You're perfect to me.

Okay?

[ gasps, whimpers ]

You're perfect to me.

- Hey, Ned.

Can you come here for a second?

- What do you want?

[ birds chirping ]

- What's going on, ned?

- I got to be someplace.

I got to go.

- Wait.

- I thought maybe we could, um,

get together sometime.

- Sterling, I'm not that way.

I'm sorry.

- Really?

- Really.

- You know, for not being that

way, you sure give a hell of a

blowjob, buddy.

Ugh!

- Stay the fuck out of my life.

[ door creaks ]

- Oh, my god.

Sterling, what happened?

- [ voice breaking ] I messed

up, Kitty.

[ cries ]

- Oh. Shh. Okay.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Okay, honey?

[ smooches ]

- [ continues crying ]

- Shh.

- [ speaking indistinctly ]

- Hey, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm not gonna let anything

happen to you.

[ birds chirping ]

- Hello, Max.

I've missed you so much.

- Sugar, what are you doing

here?

- You're all sweaty, Max.

- I just got back from a run.

- How long will it take you to

pack?

My things are all ready.

I figure if we leave now, we

could be to vegas by nightfall.

- [ chuckles ]

Sugar, what are you talking

about?

- Oh, we're gonna start a new

life together, Max, you and i.

Won't it be divine?

I'm having our baby, Max.

We did it, you and i.

Baby Beedum.

It'll be the most beautiful

baby ever.

I've never felt this way before.

You don't understand.

I feel alive for the first time

ever in my whole life, Max.

Everything is going

to be okay, Max.

- Sugar, I don't know what's

going on in that head of yours,

but I am not leaving my wife.

- But you're gonna be a daddy,

Max, a real father.

- How do you know it's mine?

Everyone was with everyone.

What about Connie?

- Connie hasn't touched me in

eons.

- We were drunk.

We were having fun.

You probably forgot, and this is

someone else's mistake.

- [ laughing ] A mistake?

No, Max, don't be silly.

We love each other.

I love you, and you love me.

We met in private, remember?

That made it different.

- Sugar...

I love Marybelle.

She's my wife.

And I'm not gonna leave her,

not now, not ever.

- Oh.

- I'm sorry, Sugar.

I'm sorry if you got the wrong

idea.

- Oh, no, I'm fine.

I'm just fine.

Everything's gonna be okay.

[ sighs ]

I'm okay.

What am I supposed to do, Max?

What am I supposed to do?

- You'll figure it out, Sug.

[ door closes ]

[ birds chirping ]

[ crickets chirping ]

- Leslie.

[ chuckles ]

Leslie.

[ smooches ]

[ watch clatters ]

- You look good like that,

natural.

Oh, Max.

My eyes disappear.

And my lips are too thin.

- I don't like the paint.

- [ chuckles ]

- All the other girls are so

put together, so with it.

I've got to be more like that.

I'm such a square.

- Belle, come here.

I've been thinking.

Let's try to have a baby.

- Oh, Max.

I don't know.

I'd have to buy a whole new

wardrobe.

[ chuckles ]

And this house is our house.

It's not a house for a baby.

- You are beautiful just like

this.

And I don't care about any of

that stuff.

I want to start over again,

move away from here.

- Are you -- Move away from

our friends?

- Everyone.

- Oh, Max, yes.

Yes, I want to.

[ sniffles ]

We'll buy a new house, a bigger

house.

- Yeah.

- And we'll paint it.

I'll pick out soothing colors

for a baby, and we'll put a

swing set in the backyard.

And we'll have real grass.

- Yeah.

- And trees.

- We can move to Colorado.

- Yes.

- Away in the mountains.

- Yes.

- Away from everybody.

- And I'll slide out of bed in

the morning and pull my hair

back and make pancakes for the

whole family.

- Oh, I want to.

- We can live somewhere with no

mirrors, right?

No mirrors.

- Yes, belle-belle.

We don't have to live with any

of that stuff.

- I feel like everybody's

always looking at me.

- The only neighbors we'll have

are the deer and the squirrels.

[ both laugh ]

[ sniffles ]

- Come on. Help me.

[ both laughing ]

And more. Grab them all.

[ grunting ]

- [ grunts ]

[ breathing heavily ]

[ grunts ]

[ both breathing heavily ]

I love you, wife.

- I love you, husband.

[ both smooch ]

[ indistinct speaking on tv ]

- Very, very fine-grained as

you get close to it.

It's almost like a powder.

The ground mass is very fine.

[ radio chatter ]

- Jesus H. Christ.

- Holy shit.

- [ exhales heavily ]

- How did we miss this the

first time?

- [ chuckles ]

- Un-fucking-believable.

[ radio chatter ]

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