Original subtitles

- Got a present for you. - Who is it?

- Sammy. - Sammy the Bull?

Sammy the Knife. I diced him up.

Did you clean him? Ah, man!

You're coming back for him this weekend? All right. Good luck.

[♪♪♪]

Damn, Vince. Cheap, leaky bags. Shit.

Shit.

You've looked better, Sammy.

- Hey, baby, how you doing? - Hey.

- Can I ask an important question? - Sure.

Where directly the fuck have you been all week?

Working.

Looks like your ass is still working.

I'm doing a favour for Vince. He got that thing this weekend.

Melvin, you're doing this shit for free.

You have a mortgage to pay and my car note.

Did you see these notices? Will you look at this shit?

Take care of your responsibilities instead of doing favours for co-workers.

You're down at least 25 grand.

- Twenty-five grand? - Yeah, baby.

- How did that happen? - That's considering the mortgage.

The note on my Jag.

And all the other expenses.

[♪♪♪]

Ew.

Hm, he's kind of cute. Who is that?

That's Sammy the Knife, one of Costanzo's crew.

That shit turns me off.

Vince is gonna be here on Saturday to pick him up so I'm leaving him here.

- Are you going out this weekend? - Maybe.

- Where's your fiancée? - All right. Shit!

[FUN LOVIN' CRIMINALS' "THE FUN LOVIN' CRIMINAL" PLAYS]

[GRUNTING]

You trying to clown me?

CRUNCH: I'm serious, dog. I've seen the light.

Check out the six-pack! Looking kind of diesel, kid.

I get my workout swerve on six days a week.

You telling me you never jerked your dick in your life until last week?

That's bullshit, man.

I never needed to.

I've been fucking since I was ten.

- I can relate to that. - Woop, woop.

- Cisco! - Cisco, yo.

I can't wear green. Clashes with my eyes. Look good on you, though.

Bust a move, man. We're gonna be late.

CISCO: Shit. Yo, Vinnie, you hear the news?

What's that?

This fool claim he don't bone females since he discovered ringing his rag.

- Is that true? - No doubt. It's lower maintenance.

[♪♪♪]

VINCE: Mel is like me. He loves to bump bag.

He's got two of the sweetest... Mm. Woo!

If anybody needs to make a switch to straight jacking, it's Mel.

Both of them chickenheads is taking my man to the cleaners.

Especially Chantel.

CISCO: The way I see it,

with the loot I got saved and the money I'll clock this weekend,

should be able to put the final payment down on that Grande Pinoche.

Sail that baby around the world! Can you imagine that?

Damn Caribbean. Mediterranean.

South Seas.

Sounds great.

You need to get in on that weekend job with me, Crunch and Gump.

- We could use a fourth. - I got that thing this weekend.

Oh, well. All right, gentlemen, synchronize.

[♪♪♪]

- You know the drill, baby. - Word is bond.

As agreed. Three blondes under 20.

Midwestern. No tattoos.

MAN 1: How much? MAN 2: Fifty thousand apiece.

WOMAN: Fifty thousand? MAN 2: Shut your hole.

[♪♪♪]

Fuck. All of them.

Get ready in five, four,

three, two, one.

Shit!

All right, all right.

In five, four,

three...

[SCREAMS]

Ah, go, go!

[♪♪♪]

- It's getting thick here. I need backup! CISCO: We got incoming.

We'll hold them back for you, man!

They're backing off.

With the bonus from today's hit, and the chips from this weekend's caper,

I should be able to take about a year off.

This is a bonus hit?

Without a doubt. Twenty-five large to whoever clip the big man.

- Nondairy creamer? - Yeah.

- What happened? - Get off!

MAN: Go, go!

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

Are you ladies okay?

I'm really sorry about the mess.

- Time to get paid. - Yes, sir.

[GRUNTING]

[WOMEN SCREAM]

- Take a piece of this! - That's what we talking about!

Yeah, man!

We fucked them up.

You're so fine.

I wanna pour milk on you and make you part of my complete breakfast!

- Baby, you got a number for me? -911.

Come on, fellas, we gotta go! Quit wasting your time.

We better find Mel before he gets my bonus.

- Damn lesbians. CRUNCH: Come on.

Cisco, where the fuck you at? I need backup!

CISCO: We'll hold them back for you, baby.

[SCREAMING]

- I'm out of here! - Protect me, I'll pay you double!

I can't spend it if I'm dead!

[GUNSHOT]

[BANG]

Bastard.

[GUN COCKS]

[♪♪♪]

Shit! Cisco, Vince, Crunch, we gotta get out of here now!

[♪♪♪]

Good work, good work, good work.

Okay, Mel!

Looks like you owe me $25,000 in cash advances.

Your commission should take care of that.

But the good news is, here's your bonus.

Thank you, sir.

Oh.

- Mel got the bonus? - What?

Yo, yo, yo. Vince, that guy was still alive, huh?

Extremely alive.

Shit!

- I'm the one who clipped him. - I don't think so. He was dead.

Okay. Sure, whatever you say.

I'm wrong and you're right. I'm lying.

I'm just trying to beat you out of your hard-earned bonus, pal.

My kill, my bonus.

If you say you're the one who clipped him,

who am I to say you didn't...

old friend?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[♪♪♪]

CISCO: You're an honest man, Mel.

Don't think I don't appreciate that shit, baby.

I'll tell you what. To show you how much love I gots for you,

if anything were to...

you know, happen to me...

you could take my boat.

- How'd that be? Is that love or what? - I guess.

CRUNCH: You getting lonely, baby?

Ah, yes, Daddy loves both of you.

- That motherfucker. Shit! - What?

Mel, you sure you don't wanna get in

on this caper we got planned for tomorrow?

That's like moonlighting. Paris will kill us for that shit.

You're too honest for your own good, baby.

[BUCK-O-NINE'S "I'M THE MAN" PLAYS]

MAN: Wrong house again, asshole!

MELVIN: Sorry.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

- Melvin Smiley, please. - This is he.

Mr. Smiley, Big Top Video.

You've had our copy of King Kong Lives for over two weeks.

Return it immediately or we will have you killed!

Yeah.

Hon, how you doing?

- Fine. Seen my King Kong Lives tape? - No, haven't seen it.

Mel, do you think my ass is still perky?

- As a matter of fact... - Go ahead, just give it a squeeze.

Let me know what you think.

- Is it still perky? - Mm-hm.

- Is it firm, yet pliable? - Like a teenager.

- Is this turning you on? - Uh-huh. Like a light switch.

- You know what I think we should do? - What do you think we should do?

Invite Mom and Dad down for the holiday weekend.

Actually, they're already coming down. They're gonna be here tomorrow.

I figured we'd all have dinner together.

I think this is gonna be a great opportunity

for you and my parents to bond.

I also think that this will be the right time to tell them we're engaged.

- You haven't told them yet? - I've been waiting for the right time.

You've got to break things gently to my parents.

What do you mean? It was a year before you told them I wasn't Jewish.

Technically, they don't know you're not Jewish.

Honey, it's gonna be fine.

I fixed things between us just yesterday.

They are gonna love you,

just as soon as they get over the whole goyim factor.

What makes you think they're gonna love me?

Well, remember when I told you Dad's business was in trouble with the I. R.S.?

Yeah, so?

He was unable to get a loan because of Mom's gambling

and her plastic surgery and everything, right?

Are you still having problems with your stomach?

I told you about that spicy food.

Anyway, I took the $50,000 we had in our savings account and lent it to Dad.

With as much money as we make, we'll be fine until they get on their feet.

[GROANING]

MAN: I can't believe that this guy

will give you 25 grand more.

We've already got 50,000 out of this clown.

He thinks I'm paying my bills off.

What? You're not paying your bills?

Hell no! Why should I?

Let his fucking fiancée pay them off.

Mel?

Honey?

- Are you awake? - Yeah.

Melvin, I'm really starting to dislike you.

I didn't find my money!

You all right, babe?

Yeah.

Hello? Cisco, what's up, man?

CISCO: Mel, what's up, kid?

That thing you got going for tomorrow? Can I still get in?

[LATONYA'S "WHAT U ON" PLAYS]

CISCO: Yo, Gump,

I don't want no fuckups on this kidnapping.

Come on. I ain't like that no more! You know I gots my shit...

Together. You gots your shit together.

You non-word-remembering motherfucker.

Cisco, I don't know about no kidnapping shit.

- A hundred large apiece. - A hundred?

Word up. Here's the deal.

There's this rich Japanese industrialist named Jiro Nishi.

- Nishi Electric? - The one and only, baby.

- Richest motherfucker on the seaboard. - How do you know he's gonna pay?

You're starting to sound like a bitch. "How do you know he's gonna pay?"

I gots this shit covered.

That motherfucker Nishi's got millions in cash laying around his crib.

This motherfucker's loaded!

It was a legitimate question.

[♪♪♪]

LAWYER: That's it, Mr. Nishi. You are officially broke.

NISHl: Everything. How could this have happened?

You knew the market was bearish. It was risky making that movie.

All my life, I wanted to make a big Hollywood movie!

I understand. Taste The Golden Spray was a big movie, a huge movie.

Actually, it was the biggest movie ever made.

Maybe you shouldn't have directed and starred in it.

I'm not the first person to make big movie.

I know. But gold leaf posters for everybody? That was excessive.

I need to pick up my daughter at college.

And?

I can't afford to pay the driver.

LAWYER: For crying out loud! How much is it gonna cost?

It's a stretch limo.

Stretch this.

Fuck ass no! Hell no.

No advances. I've got my chips wrapped up in the Grande Pinoche.

Ask Crunch. He's got spare loot.

He don't spend it on shit except maybe some smut.

Can you hook me with 25 G's until we do this?

You need it for that sell-out bitch again, don't you?

- Who's a bitch? - Get the fuck out of here.

Get with the programme.

Straight jacking saves you that mad cream.

Oh, well.

Give me a call at the crib later. I'll hook you up.

Good looking out, man.

I don't know why I'm encouraging you. Fuck both them bitches.

If they're running you through that much shit, dump both their asses.

- Where the hell is that limo? - I can't, man.

- What do you mean, you can't? - I just can't. Okay?

How the fuck come you can't dump these two

whack-ass, money-grubbing, no-respect-giving bitches?

- The truth? - Yeah, I want the truth.

CRUNCH: You can't handle truth!

Shut the fuck up!

The truth is I can't stand the idea of them not liking me anymore.

The idea of those two women not liking me is more than I can stand.

I can't stand the idea of anybody not liking me. Okay?

There, I said it. The truth. That's the truth.

- Yo, Mel? - What?

The hundred or so people you murdered in the past five years

more than likely have relatives who don't think too highly of you.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello? CHANTEL: Hey, baby.

- What's up, girl? - You know why I called, don't you?

I don't know. Why did you call me?

Because, Melvin, I'm getting sick of your ass!

- Why do you always procrastinate? - Stand up to her, Mel.

Melvin, why are you always lying to me...?

Car trouble?

Put that damn phone to your ear!

Mel, show her you're the man.

What are you doing? Playing with your friends?

Ugh! You are pathetic.

Bye!

Yeah, of course, you know I love you.

All right. We'll hook up later. Anything you want, sweetie.

[MOLOTOV'S "VOTO LATINO" PLAYS]

Here you go.

- This is the girl? - No, it's your mammy.

GIRL: Maria's having a party tonight.

- Bye, guys. GIRLS: Bye.

Are you gonna go? I'll meet you there. See you tonight.

Bye.

Ha!

Lance! You're so nasty.

A much deserved and hard-won reputation. Am I still riding with you?

- Don't push my hand away. - Stop!

What's your problem? You're an ice queen today.

- Stop! MELVIN: Good afternoon, Miss Nishi.

Hi. Who are you? Where's Aaron?

He couldn't make it today. He's sick. Is this yours?

Yeah.

See you.

[WHISTLES]

Sir, I think it would better if you could get a ride from somebody else.

Bro, don't worry about me.

Drive the car. That's what you're paid to do.

And don't forget my suitcase.

Careful with that case, bro! There's fragile crystal in there.

You break it, you'll be back driving cabs.

Sorry about that, sir.

[♪♪♪]

LANCE: Bro? - Yes, sir?

- A little privacy! - Yes, sir. Sorry about that.

LANCE: Domestics.

KEIKO: Lance!

Lance, no. No. Come on.

Yeah, right! No means yes.

- Come on, baby, you know you want it. - Stop!

Get off me!

Fucky-sucky. Me love you long time!

Get off me!

Stop it!

LANCE: What's up with that, bro?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ah!

He's gonna take his hand off your mouth. Don't scream or he'll shoot you.

I'll blow your, uh...

motherfucking...

I think she gets the point.

Professor.

I'm really sorry about your boyfriend. He was being kind of rude.

Do you mind?

This is a kidnapping, right?

- Right. - So what's up with you guys?

You supposed to be the Spice Boys?

You need to chill with that being-witty shit.

Professor, put the cuffs on her.

Skipper, Professor, take care of that mess in the backseat.

You must be the millionaire.

Pretty soon.

- Read this. - "Father... "

"Father, I have been abduct. I am fine. "

CISCO: Abducted.

- It says "abduct. " - Just say "abducted. "

"I have been abducted. I am fine now, but I may not be for loring.

If you do not pay the sun of one million doolers... "

- "Loring"? "Sun of one million doolers"? - That's what it says.

That's "long" and "the sum of one million dollars. "

- You know what it means. - You told me to read this.

- That's what I'm doing. - Say what it means.

Be careful with that one. That's Lance's crystal. It's fragile.

Ooh.

"I may not be for long. If you do not pay the sum of one million dollars,

you will never see me alive again. These men mean businesses. "

Who wrote this?

- Crunch! CRUNCH: What?

I think he's pissed about the note.

It says "businesses. "

You told me to read the note. You never said to improv it.

Improv! Are you Meryl-fucking-Streep? Okay, improv the note.

These sexually frustrated degenerate losers mean business.

Don't, don't improv. Don't improv the note.

Gump, give me a fucking pen!

Read.

"Dad, been kidnapped. Send one million or I'm dead. "

Perfect.

Yo, Mel, my player, here go the scenario.

Since Chantel is cool, take homegirl and store her at your place.

- Why my place? - Because.

- Because why? - Because!

Because that's the best plan right now. Just do what I say.

[♪♪♪]

CISCO: What about the limo?

MELVIN: You want me to drive that, too?

I got the limo, the girl, all kind of shit.

CRUNCH: What's your name, kid? GUMP: Uh...

CRUNCH: Shut up. Don't fuck this up. I got to get home and jerk off.

GUMP: Can you...?

CRUNCH: Drive! Yes, I can fucking drive.

[ALARM HONKING]

[♪♪♪]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hi, honey! - Hiya, Mom!

Look at you!

Hiya, Dad. How are you?

How was your train ride?

The train ride was fine. It's the cab ride over I could've lived without.

This Turkish idiot who barely spoke one word of English,

he drops us off at that schmuck next door's house.

And the bastard, could you believe this, he starts cursing at us!

- I need a drink. BOTH: No!

- Ma? - Yeah?

I'm not criticizing you or anything like that, okay?

It's just that I think

maybe you should dress your age.

I mean, look at Dad. He's dressed like a villain from "Miami Vice. "

Dress my age? I'll have you know Morton and I dress the way we feel.

Look at your father.

He's a regular sex machine.

Yeah, a regular Brad Pitt.

So where is our benefactor?

[GORILLA GROWLING ON TV]

Are you okay?

All right. I'll be right back.

I went to the bank today, and do you know what I found?

Or should I say, do you know what I didn't find?

- I wasn't able to... - I am really starting to dislike you.

[STOMACH GURGLING]

- I didn't find my money! - It's at Crunch's.

I'll call and get it tonight.

Now!

[SUGARHILL GANG'S "APACHE" PLAYS]

GUMP: Yo, money, you ready to... CISCO: Do it. Yeah.

That's my word!

CISCO: Make sure we get this right.

Crunch fucked me up with that whack-ass note.

All right. My phone is plugged into here.

This motherfucking Tracebuster will keep that motherfucker from...

- Trace? - Tracing our shit. Know what I say?

This Tracebuster keeps a buster from tracing your call.

- It can also... - Trace?

Trace the motherfucker that's tracing your shit!

What if they got a Tracebuster, too?

That's why I've got this Tracebuster Buster.

When a motherfucker try to bust your trace with a Tracebuster,

this will bust the motherfucking Tracebuster that's busting your, uh...

- Trace! - That's my word, player!

- Use my cell phone. - Patch that into here, all right?

- Plug and play, motherfucker! - Yo!

[MAN SINGING CHANT]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Mr. Nishi, you don't know me, but I have something you may want to hear.

KEIKO [ON TAPE]: It says "businesses. " That's what it...

Hold on. That's not it.

[TAPE FAST-FORWARDING]

These sexually frustrated...

Hold on. Just, you know, relax.

Listen to this.

CISCO [ON TAPE]: Tooth polish, haemorrhoid cream...

[YELLS IN JAPANESE]

Hello? Hello?

That motherfucker had the nerve to hop smart on my ass!

[SINGING]

[PHONE RINGING]

What? What?

KEIKO [ON TAPE]: Dad, I've been kidnapped.

Send one million or I'm dead.

Who is this?

Don't worry about who this is! We have your daughter.

We want $1 million or she dies.

- Plain and simple. - Is she okay?

She's fine, but if we don't get that money she won't be.

I don't have money. I go bankrupt.

Bullshit! Don't fuck with us or we'll send her back in little fucking pieces!

Get us the million by noon tomorrow or she's a slab of meat!

- Understand me? - I understand.

I'll call you at 10:00 a. m. and tell you where the drop goes down. No cops

or I start cutting. I smell a cop, I'll cut off her hand!

Don't try to trace this call. It won't do you no good.

That's how you do shit!

I gots this shit well in control! We're about to get paid.

I not call police. Fuck all the police!

Was I a bad motherfucker?

- You was a bad... - Motherfucker!

- Bad! - Bad motherfucker!

- Bad! - Mean! Nasty!

I trace you, buster.

[PHONE RINGS]

Up you go. Go, go.

Hello.

[SPEAKS JAPANESE]

[IN JAPANESE]

That's it, baby.

Ten a. m. tomorrow we set up the drop and by noon we get paid.

Yo, my nigga!

We gonna get paid!

[PHONE RINGS]

In the house!

Get your ass to my office in 20 minutes.

Fuck! Motherfucker!

Paris called me for some emergency shit. Don't do jack till I get back.

Yo, yo, if you want me to, I could set up the...

Drop it, motherfucker! Don't do shit till I get back!

I'm really sorry. I mean, it's nice to finally meet you.

You seem like a nice enough German-Irish fella.

And I hope you won't take any offence when I say:

"What are you both, out of your minds?"

- Ma, we know what we're doing. - Oh, yeah?

You're gonna kill your father. That's what you're doing.

Marriage? You two? A Catholic and a Jew? God forbid.

Puy, puy, puy.

You're gonna put your father in an early grave!

- Hit me. - What is this doing to your parents?

Actually they're both dead.

- You see? Do you see? - Ma, they were dead before we met.

Please.

I know what this is about. This isn't about Daddy or Mel's parents.

It's about you. You're prejudiced.

- Prejudiced? I'm prejudiced? - Yeah.

I'll have you know there is not one prejudiced bone in my body.

Not prejudiced? If I wanna marry goyim, I'll marry goyim!

- Over my dead body you will! - If I want, I'll marry a black man.

- Shut your mouth! - A six-foot-nine...

[WOMEN CONTINUE YELLING]

Excuse me, sir. I just wanted to apologise.

I didn't mean to cause such a schlimazel.

I'll take them to temple tomorrow.

Do you think that might work?

- Mr. Shulman? - Mort.

Sorry. Mort. Sir, I know how your wife feels about me and Pam.

I just wanted you to know that I would never marry her without your blessing.

- Melvin? - Yes, sir?

Could you get me a shot of that rum I saw in there?

Yeah, sure.

[♪♪♪]

BOTH: No!

Mort!

- Never give Daddy something to drink. - Why? What's the matter?

- It's horrible. - It's not so bad.

It's not so bad? He's a meshuggenah, that's what he is.

[SIRENS WAILING]

- Yo, boss, what's going on? - Sit down and shut up.

Even for those who live outside the law...

it is commonly understood there are certain rules which must be observed.

Otherwise what you have is anarchy.

I hear you, boss.

We run a serious business here. The business of making money.

This business is based on trust and loyalty and honour.

In the house of Paris, that's all we've got.

That's it, baby. It's all about love.

When the rules are broken in the house of Paris,

the machine breaks down.

Discipline must be enforced.

Order must be restored.

In my house, there has been a transgression.

An unauthorized kidnapping in my house.

- Who could be that stupid? - It gets worse.

In this particular case,

the transgression is personal.

In this case,

the kidnappee happens to be my goddaughter.

- Oh, fuck no! - Some rock.

Some dolt.

Some less-than-senseless thing has decided to come

to my house and kidnap my goddaughter.

And I am looking,

I am searching for a motherfucker

stupid enough to fuck with me.

Yo, boss, what's this got to do with me?

I want to know what you would do to that son of a jackal.

Me?

I would, you know, I would...

What would you do to someone

who decided to fuck with you in your own house?

I'd bust some caps!

Bust some caps! Give this man a gold star.

It is you who...

[PHONE RINGING]

Give me that!

[SHATTERS]

It is you that I'm putting in charge of this whole operation.

It is you who must go forth

and bring these motherfuckers to me.

[♪♪♪]

Let's just take the money

and go to L.A. where people like us belong.

I love this movie.

[SAVE FERRIS' "THE WORLD IS NEW" PLAYS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

PAM: Get that, Mel, will you? I'm not dressed.

What are you doing here?

I just came to drop your shit off before I said goodbye.

Goodbye, you punk-ass bitch. I'm leaving this town.

What are you doing? Chantel?

Shit!

[KEIKO GROANS]

I'm getting a glass of prune juice.

Hurry up. We've got a long way to go.

Don't worry. I know a shortcut.

No, sweetie. You don't want to do that.

- What's in there? It's heavy. - It's deer meat, actually.

- What? - Cisco went hunting and got a deer.

He gave the meat to me because he's a vegetarian.

- There's a dead deer in there? - Yeah.

That's gross. Take it out to the garbage, please.

Sorry about that.

[GRUNTING]

Ma, pour me some coffee.

- You don't want to go in there. - I need to get something.

It smells really bad. Stinky poo-poo.

Oh, Melvin, that's disgusting.

Morton, look at that dog.

Hey, get away!

Go away, you giant rat!

There's something so peculiar about that boy.

Let go!

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello? Hold on. - Big Top Video.

Mel?

Now I'm hearing things.

[GROANING]

[GRUNTS]

PAM: I am not going to temple. - Hello?

Hello! Understandable you're avoiding us.

- You know why we're calling. - Sorry. I apologise.

JEANNE: She has become godless. - What's the matter, little girl?

Why are you crying? "Because I wanna rent King Kong Lives. "

- Who are you talking to? - Well, I'm sorry.

But you can't rent that. Melvin Smiley has that out right now.

- And he's too busy to bring it back. - I promise I'll bring it back.

[GROWLS]

- Aren't you going to temple? - No.

- What do you mean, no? - You're going to ruin my surprise.

I don't like surprises. What surprise? Tell me.

I was planning on cooking a nice kosher meal for you and your folks.

- This I gotta see. - Excuse me one second.

Let go of that!

Let go!

Get out of here.

You are a pathetic little man.

Pam!

Shit!

Oh.

- You're back. - Yeah.

Daddy had to make a pit stop, and I forgot my purse.

You don't have to make a pit stop, Mrs. Shulman?

No, I'm fine. I'm fine right here.

- It's a long drive. - I'm fine.

- You sure? - I'm sure.

I forgot a thing in the trunk there.

Look, if you've got a thing in the trunk, you'd better get it out.

I will.

- What's that? - It's his thing. Get in. We're late.

If there's a dead deer in there, get it out of there.

- Okay. - Let's go!

I swear.

I can do this.

Cisco, where the fuck are you?

[♪♪♪]

Don't call. Don't you call.

Don't you fucking call, you stupid fuck.

They got Tracebuster Buster.

I got Tracebuster Buster Buster for their ass.

All right, think, think. Crunch!

Be cool, playboy. I got you covered.

I tell you what.

I'll pick the chick up and keep her here in my crib. You feel better?

- Much. What time? - I've gotta stop by the office.

- Give me an hour and a half. Cool? - Yeah, cool. Thanks, bro.

Oh, shit.

You ready again? You ready again? Come on.

- Are you okay? - Mm-hm.

I'm gonna take your gag off, but you gotta promise not to scream.

I don't suppose you could take these cuffs off, too?

- Sorry. - I didn't think so.

- I have to pee. - Oh, yeah.

- Hey. - Huh?

I need help.

Oh, sorry.

No, I need help with my underwear, unless you wanna take my cuffs off.

Sorry.

[BEHAN JOHNSON'S "SOMEONE TO CALL MY OWN" PLAYS]

I'm done.

- You don't seem like a kidnapper. - I'm usually not.

- Aren't you gonna flush? - Yeah.

Technically you could call me a hit man.

KEIKO: Really? A hit man? Does that pay well?

Of course. I make a killing.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I'm hungry. You must be starved.

- I'm so hungry, I could eat a... - Horse?

I could never eat a horse.

Let me know what you want. I can go in the kitchen and cook it for us.

Will you put a hit on it for me?

Yeah.

- How about a pterodactyl? - You're in luck.

I just whacked a rare extra-cheese- and-pepperoni pterodactyl.

- Cold or nuked? - Nuke it.

That girl from the other house, she your girlfriend?

Chantel? Yeah, I guess so, kind of, but I'm engaged to Pam.

Chantel is kind of your girlfriend, but you're engaged to another girl, Pam?

Sounds complicated. Wanna tell me more?

Cisco, I can do this. I ain't no fuck-up. I can do this.

I'm gonna prove it. I'm gonna prove my ass to all you motherfuckers

that I can handle my, uh...

business.

Yeah. I can handle my business!

[CHATTERING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[♪♪♪]

Hello?

GUMP: Mr. Nishi, noon today, $1 million cash.

In a plastic garbage bag. Place it in the green garbage can

near the Abbey Shelter on McBryde Trail,

right off of Old School Road.

Do you understand?

I don't understand "McBlyde. "

What?

No, no. Hang up.

What is "McBlyde"?

McBryde Trail is a, uh...

A goddamn...

- What is "McBlyde"? - It's a motherfucking, uh...

A goddamn, um, thing.

Uh, ah... Oh...

[BEEPING]

I understand.

McBryde Trail.

I will drop money there.

Good.

Get him. Get him!

Let's go, let's go! Bust a move!

Let's get busy! Come on, move!

KEIKO: It's your life. You have to take some responsibility.

It seems like no matter what I do, it's never really good enough.

You know? It's starting to make me miserable.

You can't blame Chantel and Pam for taking advantage of you.

You make it too easy for them.

I'm not blaming them, at least I'm not trying to.

At the end of the day, all I want them to do is be happy.

I don't know.

I just can't stand the idea of them not liking me anymore.

To be perfectly honest, I can't stand the idea of anybody not liking me.

That sounds pretty dysfunctional.

Why do you say that? What do you mean?

I mean, you might suffer from a borderline personality disorder.

- And you have co-dependency issues. - What?

You're whipped.

You seem nice. You're not like the others. Do what's right for you.

You're really smart. You know that?

[FUNKDOOBIEST'S "ACT ON IT" PLAYS]

What the fuck is that?

[♪♪♪]

Hey... Oh!

All right, you filthy kidnapping scum person, you!

- Where's the girl? - She's at...

Don't get cute with us, scumbag.

I've been sent here by my boss, Paris,

whose goddaughter you all happen to be kidnapping,

to find her.

If you wanna stay breathing, you better tell me...

[WHISPERS] Melvin.

...where the fuck she is and who the fuck... Melvin.

...is the insidious mastermind behind this plot.

Melvin.

Melvin?

Melvin? Melvin Smiley?

Melvin Smiley is the mastermind behind this kidnapping?

Oh, my God.

What a world.

I mean, the humanity.

The betrayal.

He was like a brother to me, man.

Oh, well.

Yah!

Somebody's gotta die.

Look at it as a privilege, you know?

You're always dying to do something for me. Now's your chance.

All right, no more Mr. Nice Guy.

Now we're gonna find Melvin Smiley

and we're gonna kill him.

Melvin. Son of a bitch.

I knew the boy had financial problems, but I didn't dream he'd go this far.

Find the girl first, then deal him.

[SPEAKS JAPANESE]

Pack up. We are going for a ride.

Who knows what unspeakable things they do to my little girl?

It says you're supposed to soak the matzo for five minutes.

- Okay. - Is this traditional Jewish cooking?

I hope so. It's the only Jewish cookbook in the house.

You need margarine to sauté the mushrooms.

Okay.

Shit! Is that kosher?

Like I would know. You need to stir it so it doesn't stick.

I could help you better if I didn't have these cuffs on.

All right.

[WORLD PARTY'S "SHE'S THE ONE" PLAYS]

MELVIN: You're pretty good at this.

You ever cook for your dad?

My father doesn't even know I'm alive.

Not until I have to impress some of his associates.

- Do you have brown sugar? - Yeah.

Do you know what it's like living your life to please other people?

I mean... Actually, I guess you do, huh?

It's a drag. Sometimes I wish I could just get away. Know what I mean?

I do, as a matter of fact. I've always dreamt of getting away.

Come here. What are you doing? You're missing the point.

The whole joy of cooking. You have to use your hands, get in and get messy.

Get in there.

Kind of like it.

Now we have to glaze our LM-4 white leghorn.

- Our LM what? - Common broiler chicken.

I'm studying them in advanced biotechnology.

MELVIN: Damn!

I'm sorry. I'll clean it up for you, okay?

Did you know the white leghorn was bred with the Ross sire line

to create the hybrid known as the Roslin QTL Cross?

Of course. Doesn't everybody?

Gave rise to over 33 different phenotypes,

all distinct for reaching their sexual maturity within two months.

Then we eat them.

Yep.

You know, it's kind of sad. In order to feed us,

something so young and in the prime of its life...

has to die.

Oh!

- Help! Help! - Keiko!

I'm sorry.

Oh, shit!

Fuck!

JEANNE: Yi, yi, yi. Whew.

Here you go, Ma.

- You feel better, Bunza Bun? - Eh.

Getting your hair done always helps to mend a broken heart.

You're doing the right thing, baby.

We have to preserve our heritage.

You'll tell him after eating.

Better he should have a broken heart on a full stomach.

Think he's gonna take the money back?

[♪♪♪]

Hey.

- What are you doing? - Nothing. How was your outing?

Smells good. Something's cooking.

We're ready to eat when you are.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello? - This is Crunch.

What's up? Hold on one second.

- Can you excuse me one second? - Sure.

- Let's go. MELVIN: Hello?

Yo, Crunch. What the fuck is going on?

CISCO: Left.

Right here.

This is the place.

I'm getting the fuck out of the country, and you need to do the same. Now!

I went by the office today.

Paris is planning a big hit.

Yo, nigga! I said it should have some lanolin in it.

Not some goddamn aloe vera bullshit. Motherfucker!

Get it straight.

Seems like some motherfuckers done gone

and kidnapped Paris' goddaughter.

Some Japanese bitch.

Our Japanese bitch. See what I'm saying?

Look, you've got to let him have it point blank.

It's over. Kaput. That's it!

But, Ma, that seems very harsh.

Cisco's trying to save himself.

He's after all of us.

He got Gump.

My advice.

Get the fuck out of Dodge now, nigga.

There's a hit squad coming for your ass right now.

Peace out.

Shit.

[♪♪♪]

- Here's your prune juice, darling. - Leave the bottle.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who's that?

CISCO: Hello. Is Melvin Smiley here?

We're Melvin's coworkers. We work in the same office.

JEANNE: Really?

- Is that chicken I smell? JEANNE: Have you eaten? Lunch?

CISCO: I haven't eaten all day. Boys, could you eat something?

JEANNE: Come on in.

CISCO: You're so gracious. Thank you.

He's a devoted colleague. A man who works for the betterment of society.

JEANNE: So why does Melvin work on weekends?

He works with the homeless a lot.

He sells computers to the homeless?

You'd be surprised how many homeless people buy computers.

Oh, really?

- Hello, Melvin. - Hi, Melvin.

You wanna talk about this outside?

[MORT TAPPING ON GLASS]

Sit down, Melvin. I'd like to propose a toast.

To my wife. A lovely woman, who for the past eight years

has cost me over $200,000

in plastic-surgery bills.

And what was the end result of all that surgery?

A 57-year-old woman with the face

of a beautiful 25-year-old ape.

- Oh, Morton! - Shut your pisk!

I'll have you know that many men have found me to be a ravishing creature.

[MOUTHING]

Don't you think I'm attractive still?

- A ravishing creature? - Yes. Certainly.

Yeah, sure.

I agree. You're a creature.

JEANNE: Morton, just sit down! You're drunk.

To my darling daughter Pamela.

A princess. My only child.

And the source of constant pride

to degenerate, manipulative,

gold-digging leeches the world over.

Which leads me to my would-be son-in-law, Melvin,

who's very charming in a Rain Man kind of way.

But obviously not good enough for some parties.

- Daddy, I think you better... - Sit down and shut your pisk.

JEANNE: Morton, please. Sit down! MORT: Where was I?

The first thing we do when we meet this young man is have a big fight.

Then the young man comes to me like Sidney Poitier

in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. A fine film, I might add.

And he proclaims:

"I will not marry your daughter unless I have your blessing. "

To which I say:

"She doesn't deserve you.

You deserve to be in an environment of tolerance and brotherhood. "

When I see four men of different races,

colours and creeds, sitting together at the dinner table,

it fills me with hope.

So you see, my friends, you four are what this country is all about.

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, gross! You nasty mother...

[♪♪♪]

CISCO: It's bonus time, and guess who's the bonus.

Yo, Mel. You pissed at me, baby?

Backstabbing motherfucker. We're supposed to be friends.

We're still friends. I just need space. I still love you, baby.

Yeah, just like you loved Gump, huh?

It's every man for himself, Mel.

MAN: Move it out. Freddy, you're with me.

[SCREAMING]

- Pam? - Yeah?

- Were you gonna break up with me? - Yeah.

- I guess this is goodbye. - Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry about the meal.

Things could be worse.

[TYRES SQUEALING]

CISCO: He's getting away!

Come on, move!

"Don't worry, baby. This'll shave four hours off our drive. "

We're right back where we started, you fucking idiot!

He's an animal. I should've found the money.

Don't worry. He won't hurt her now. She's the only insurance he's got.

[♪♪♪]

[SCREAMING]

[MUFFLED YELLING]

Shit!

[SCREAMING]

That was intense!

I'll be right back.

CHANTEL: Oh, God.

- My leg! I think I broke my leg. - Shit.

Nice fucking driving, Mario. Now get us out of here!

NISHl: You have Triple-A card?

Mine expired.

Oh, my God. He's got a gun.

- You were gonna keep this? - He wanted it.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Melvin!

Melvin, I'm sorry. Can we just talk about this?

I love you!

Shit!

[♪♪♪]

I wanted it?

If you would've stayed your narrow ass on the freeway like I told you to,

this wouldn't have happened.

[GASPS]

You wouldn't happen to know where Melvin is headed, would you?

[COUGHING]

You wouldn't happen to know where Melvin might be headed, would you?

Would you?

KEIKO: What happens now?

MELVIN: I drop you off and you go home.

No, I mean, what happens with us?

If you're gonna be with me, there are certain things you need to understand.

I'm a contract killer.

I murder people for money. So far they've all been bad people.

Give or take a few obnoxious ones. That's what I do.

- It's the only thing that I'm good at. - I'm cool with that.

If you stay with me, your life's gonna be in danger.

A constant adrenaline rush? Are you kidding?

- I like it. - Understand this, okay?

I positively cannot be the only one falling in love in this relationship.

- It's got to be mutual. - I'm feeling you, skipper.

I'm gonna return this tape.

When I come back, if you really want to, we'll disappear together.

[WORLD PARTY'S "SHE'S THE ONE" PLAYS

[KEIKO SCREAMS]

[CRASHES]

Ah!

Stay still. Please.

Oh, God. I'm gonna get us out of here. Just calm down. Please.

KEIKO: You don't seem that calm!

MELVIN: Aw, shit.

- You okay? KEIKO: Uh-huh.

All right. We can get out the back.

Come on. It's safe. Just don't look down.

Skipper, look.

Oh, shit. You gotta get out of here.

Meet me by the video store. I gotta deal with this guy. Go!

[♪♪♪]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUN CLICKS EMPTY]

[CACKLING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

The most expensive stand-up in the history of motion-picture marketing.

Awesome.

[♪♪♪]

CLERK: Smiley.

Hm.

Here's your fucking tape back.

Hmmph.

Ah, let's see here.

Ooh, late charges.

Oh, mama! What's this?

Tape's not rewound? That's gonna cost you!

I've taken a lot of shit from you.

I put up with your high prices, your lousy selection.

- Your rude phone calls. - Sorry about that.

- I want to tell you one thing. - What?

I will never rent tapes from this store again, you snotty...

I'm gonna finish what I started, motherfucker.

No, please.

- Knuckle up, bitch. - Yeah?

Let's go, motherfucker. Let's work.

[♪♪♪]

CISCO: Where's the girl? MELVIN: I let her go.

Whoa.

You let that bitch go? I can't believe how fucking stupid you are, man.

MELVIN: She ain't no bitch. CISCO: Oh, she's not a bitch.

I see. You like this girl. Come on! She tricked you, fool.

Just another ho manipulating your sorry ass to get what she wants.

You don't know what you're talking about. That's not true.

You never learn. Haven't I taught you nothing? She don't like you.

Hell, I don't fucking like you.

CISCO: Shit, man, when I found you, you was nothing.

I got you a job, taught you everything you know.

Remember that promise I made about my boat? I lied. You ain't getting shit.

Hey, Cisco. You know what? I don't give a fuck!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Ugh!

Son of a bitch!

Ain't that a bitch!

All I wanted to do was to sail my boat, man.

You know?

Navigate by the stars.

See dolphins racing alongside, you know?

Maybe even kill a few of them.

Yo, Mel,

I can almost see it.

It's fucking beautiful.

- Mel? - I'm here, buddy.

I can't see it no more.

I can see it. You're there, man.

You're there now. Right there on the deck.

It's just you and the sea. One on one.

You're free now.

[CLICKING]

[♪♪♪]

[BEEPING]

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKS JAPANESE]

[GASPS]

Ah!

[♪♪♪]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[SOBBING]

Why?

That is so cool.

I can't believe they're making a movie about your kidnapping.

My dad's in L.A. finalizing the deal.

This is such a story. Your dad was totally broke.

Then you get kidnapped,

and now they're making a big Hollywood movie?

Your dad must be so happy.

Yeah, everything's back to normal. My ride's here. I gotta go.

[♪♪♪]

MAN: Straight home, ma'am?

Or would you like to just get away from it all?

Skipper?

[BUCK-O-NINE'S "I'M THE MAN" PLAYS]

- I don't understand. - Thanks, Vince. Let's go.

You got it, kid.

- You know your dad's movie display? - Uh-huh.

It was really well made.

[♪♪♪]

- So? - Yeah?

Are we gonna disappear or what?

You're the man.

[BUDDHA MONK'S "GOT'S LIKE COME ON THRU" PLAYS]

[MARK WAHLBERG'S "DON'T SLEEP" PLAYS]