Original subtitles

Red Nose Day Actually!

MUSIC: God Only Knows by The Beach Boys.

♪ God only knows what I'd be without you. ♪

DOORBELL RINGS.

I'll get it.

Who is it?

He's not going to believe that, it's March.

They're raising money for Red Nose Day.

Oh, not again.

Give them a quid and tell them to bugger off.

MUSIC: Silent Night.

Oh, that's a nice idea.

Yes, thank you, we're very happy.

How are you?

Do you like the beard?

I don't like it either!

JO WHILEY ON RADIO: And tomorrow is Red Nose Day and we hope everyone

will be giving a little cash to this great cause.

Maybe even our Prime Minister himself, back in Number Ten

after five years away.

Here's a little song to loosen your loose change.

MUSIC: Hotline Bling by Drake.

♪ Yeah. ♪

♪ You used to call me on my cell phone. ♪

♪ Late night when you need my love. ♪

♪ Call me on my cell phone. ♪

♪ Late night when you need my love. ♪

♪ And I know when that hotline bling. ♪

♪ That can only mean one thing. ♪

♪ I know when that hotline bling. ♪

♪ That can only mean one thing. ♪

♪ Ever since I left the city. ♪

♪ You got a reputation for yourself now. ♪

♪ Everybody knows and I feel left out... ♪

Whoa!

♪ Ever since I left the city... ♪

Ah!

Ow.

That really hurts.

It's very undignified.

♪ You started wearing ♪ ♪ less and goin' out more. ♪

♪ Glasses of champagne ♪ ♪ out on the dance floor. ♪

♪ Hangin' with some girls ♪ ♪ I've never seen before. ♪

Oh, Lord.

How many times have I told you not to dance down the stairs?

Once or twice, once or twice.

Was it Hotline Bling again?

Yes, I'm afraid it was.

When I hear that hotline bling, that can only mean one thing.

I assume that cup of tea is for me.

No.

You've changed.

I haven't.

I'll make you one.

Come on.

Come on.

I liked it best when you worked for me.

You work for me, really.

Tell the truth.

I work for the nation...

So, Billy Mack, welcome back to the airwaves.

Billy, you have released a charity single, and it's a cover version

of the ZZ Top classic Gimme All Your Lovin'.

Yes, except we've changed the word "lovin"' to "money".

But seriously, Red Nose Day,

a wonderful charity supporting children.

You must like kids.

No, the truth is, I like the kids who buy my records.

I can't stand the other ones.

Even you must have noted how short and selfish they are.

Billy, why a charity record?

Well, come on, Mikey!

It must be pretty obvious.

I've got an autobiography coming out and I need a bit of publicity.

Ah, yes, the book.

It's called Macknificent.

Yeah.

Are you proud of it?

I've no idea.

I haven't read it, have you?

Yes.

Poor bugger.

What's it like?

It's pretty good, actually.

Oh, W!

That's a relief.

Billy, I see you haven't got your manager with you today.

Tell me, has he finally left you after you being so rude about him?

Not really, Mike.

He was a big man, with a big heart.

Big heart attack.

Big coffin.

It's a big hole in my life.

Wow.

Thank you for that, Billy.

For what?

Well, for giving an honest answer to a question.

That never happens here at Radio Watford.

Ask me anything you like, I'll tell you the truth.

OK, I probably asked you this last time you were here,

but best shag you ever had?

Ooh, that's a tough one.

I mean, look.

It's definitely one of the Kardashians.

But which one, Mike?

Which one?

Excuse me?

Yes, young sir.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

How much is a red nose?

£1.

OK, I'll take one.

Lovely.

Would you like it giftwrapped?

All right.

Excellent.

Let me see.

Could we be quite quick?

Yes, certainly, sir.

It'll be ready in the jiffiest of jiffies.

Oh, I don't need a bag.

Oh, this isn't a bag, sir.

This is so much more than just a bag.

Do you remember the first time I drove you?

Of course!

Yes.

I remember looking at you and thinking "What a handsome man.

That kind of face never gets old".

Yes.

How right you were.

I wished you could speak Portuguese so I could tell you how I felt.

OK.

Well, I got most of that.

There was something about central heating, wasn't there?

And roast potatoes, am I right?

Yes, darling.

By the way, very attractive turtleneck today.

Oh, yes, thank you.

They're right back in fashion.

Or not.

OK.

Here, here, pull in.

In, in, come on.

Hop in.

I passed my exam!

Oh, excellent.

How was your clay?

Strap in.

All right, off we go.

I got picked for the team!

He said my hat's stupid.

My hat's not stupid, is it?

It's a little bit stupid.

That's great!

Yes!

That is great.

Can we have rice with it this time, though?

I'm getting a little tired of stir-fry.

Why not?

And of course, the yoghurt-coated raisins.

Come on!

Almost there.

Almost?!

Dad?

Sam!

What the hell are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in New York!

I know, I thought I'd give you a surprise visit.

The surprise is, you have to pay for my flight.

That's OK. My God, you've grown.

No, I'm just wearing high-heeled trainers.

Oh, yeah, so you are.

Come on, sit down, sit down.

How are things?

Good, good.

Now, listen, mister.

I'm worried. You haven't been in touch.

I know, I'm sorry. I've just had a lot on my mind.

What is it?

Work tough?

Money?

I can help you with money, you know. I'm loaded.

No.

No, it's, um...

Well, it's more of a love thing, actually.

Oh, here we go again.

What age are you now, 14, 15?

I'm 26.

Exactly.

You should have had this sorted out ages ago.

As far as I remember,

the only person you've ever genuinely been in love with

was that cute wee girl, the singer at school.

You were 12, remember?

Hmm.

That's what's been on my mind.

Joanna!

We met up in New York and, er, well, that's why we're here.

Sir.

I was wondering if I could ask for your son's hand in marriage.

Please?

Really?

All you want for Christmas is this stringbean?

Yeah.

I'll think about it.

Dad?

Come here!

So, is that a yes?

I'm... thinking about it.

Morning.

Good morning.

Yes?

Robert.

Prime Minister, what happened to your arm?

I fell down the stairs while dancing to Hotline Bling.

I believe it happened to Palmerston as well.

Any serious questions?

Bernard.

Yes, Prime Minister, when you came to power the first time,

you were very optimistic.

You said that the power of good could finally win,

that love actually was all around.

14 years later, do you still feel as upbeat?

Well, um, interesting.

Obviously, times for many people have got harder and people

are nervous and fearful.

And it's not just in politics that things are tough.

Usain Bolt has run his last Olympics.

The Harry Potter films have finished.

Piers Morgan's still alive.

LAUGHTER.

But, let's look at the other side of the coin.

Metallica's new album is an absolute cracker.

And on a deeper level, I'm optimistic.

Wherever you see tragedy, you see bravery too.

Wherever you see ordinary people in need,

you see extraordinary ordinary people come to their aid.

Today's Red Nose Day, and people are giving their hard-earned cash

to people who they'll never meet, but whose pain and fear

they feel and want to fight.

So it's not just romantic love which is all around.

Most people still, every day, everywhere, have enough love

in their heart to help human beings in trouble.

Good's going to win.

I'm actually sure of it.

Yes, next question?

Keir?

Prime Minister, what do you think is the best

Christmas film ever made?

Well, don't be stupid.

Everyone knows it's Elf.

Yeah, Tommy?