All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S02E10.WEB.h264-STRiFE

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, boy.

- You remember me?
- Oh, yeah.

- Long time no see.
- Oh, yes.

Well, I've been very busy.
Traveling.

- You want a slice?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I was just in the neighborhood,

and I thought I would drop in
and say hello.

- To me.
- Yes.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Anything else?

No.

Oh, well, as long as I'm here,

Miriam... my daughter, remember?

Well, her husband left her,
and she's been living with us,

and recently I found out
that she's...

Aren't you gonna make some tea?

- I don't like tea.
- The tea isn't for you.

It's for me. I drink it,

- and you read the leaves.
- Don't need it.

Oh, you use the ball, right.
Or cards?

Oh, no, I remember.
You like fire.

Just sit there.

Let me look at you.

Okay. What do you want to know?

Um, well, my d-daughter...

- Miriam.
- Why, yes.

You just told me her name.
Don't get too impressed.

Yes, uh, well, she's, um,
pursuing a career in...

comedy,

which is bad enough in itself,

but there's a very viable man
in the picture now,

and I am so worried that this...

career will be the downfall
of this relationship.

Tell me, what do you see?

Hmm.

I see a perky brunette
with a signature hairstyle.

Oh, that's her. That's Miriam.

She's standing
in front of a big crowd.

A wedding? That's a wedding.

She's the object
of deep adoration.

That's Benjamin.
He'll adore her.

H-He'll be weirdly subtle
about it

and do it in
a slightly robotic way, but...

I see her talking.

Speaking very quickly
into a microphone.

That's her speech. She gave
a speech at her first wedding,

and she's doing it again.
Oh, I'm so...

Does she mention shrimp?

- What?
- Never mind. Who cares?

She's getting married.
Oh, I'm so glad

I just happened to be strolling
by here with no intention

of coming in at all,
and then I did. Oh, here.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.
I'll see you next week.

There's gonna be a wedding.

I don't know why you'd wear

a black cocktail dress
to a wedding, but...

whatever.

- What time is it?
- Early. 9:00, 10:00.

- 12:30. I should go.
- Really? You bored?

I'm supposed to be
in my dorm room by midnight.

This is the third time this week
I've missed curfew.

Third time this week
I'll have to climb in my window

- to avoid getting caught.
- I thought your curfew was 1:00.

- You did not.
- Yeah.

I just like watching you climb
in that window.

Hey, we saw them tonight.
We saw you tonight.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

- Good or bad?
- Great.

Especially the last number.

Told you we needed
that last number.

- You're impossible.
- Impossible and right.

- We should go.
- You know, I'm tired

of having to take you home
at night.

- I can just grab a cab, then.
- Not what I meant.

- Horse and buggy? Magic carpet?
- Don't go back to your dorm.

- Where am I supposed to go?
- My dorm.

Oh, now, Mr. Maisel,
you know good girls

don't stay out all night
with their gentlemen callers.

I mean, what would
the neighbors think?

That you're a dime-store floozy?

Dime-store? In these shoes?

Well, if you won't let me
sully your reputation,

then I guess I'll just have to
make an honest woman out of you.

♪ We go along
harmonizing a song ♪

- What's this?
- A Cadillac.

♪ Or I'm reciting a poem ♪

Well, then, I'm definitely
gonna have to learn to drive.

- You like it?
- I love it.

I just didn't think
this would happen so fast.

Oh, but you knew
this would happen?

Well, yeah. I mean, come on.

Hey, what did my father say
when you asked him?

Oh, shit.
I was supposed to do that?

- Joel.
- Forget him.

What do you say? Yes? Great.

I say I need to think about it.

What? No. There's the ring.
Let's go.

- It's just so sudden.
- You knew this was gonna happen.

I knew this was gonna happen.

Well, then,
you know your answer.

- Uh...
- If you don't say yes right now,

I'm gonna walk out
in the middle of the street

and wait for a bus
to run me over.

Pay the bill first?

Okay.

Here I go.

♪ Talking my baby ♪

♪ Loving my baby ♪

♪ I don't mean maybe... ♪

That man is crazy.

Yeah, he certainly is.

Get out of the road, asshole.

Come on!

- Say yes.
- Move!

- Move, you idiot!
- Not moving.

I'm concerned our children might
come out clinically insane.

Very good chance. Say yes.

Maybe.

Get the fuck out
of the road, pal.

Come on, I got to get home.

♪ Are in each other's arms ♪

Oh, no. Not fair.

- Fuck fair!
- Come on.

My favorite show.

He took me three times.

I'm going for broke,
Miriam Weissman.

♪ Shall we dance? ♪

You have to say yes first.

♪ On a bright cloud of music ♪

Fine. Yes.

Yes!

You have to put the ring on.

- Exhausting.
- Put it on.

Come on, move it, buddy.

♪ When the last little star
has left the sky ♪

♪ Shall we still be together ♪

♪ With our arms
around each other ♪

♪ And shall you
be my new romance ♪

♪ On the clear understanding ♪

♪ That this kind of thing
can happen ♪

♪ Shall we dance? ♪

Now, this next part's
gonna go very badly.

Mark Greenwald
is the president of the bank

and an old family friend in case
you want to give him a call.

Right here, these are
last year's financials,

tax returns, bank statements.

As you can see,
I can clearly provide for her.

Anything she needs,
anything the children need,

they will be very comfortable.

So you want to marry
my daughter.

With your permission, yes, I do.

- And you've spent time with Miriam.
- I have.

- So you understand Miriam.
- I do.

Could you explain her to me?

- That was a joke, Benjamin.
- Right, sorry.

Humor is very important
in our house, Benjamin.

- Of course.
- If you are going to marry Miriam,

- you will have to learn that.
- I understand.

Because to Miriam,
almost everything in the world

is a joke. I had to stop
watching the news with her.

Guggenheim,
the name of the museum,

caused 20 minutes of uncontrolled giggling.

Why? Who knows.
That's just Miriam.

I will learn to laugh, sir.

You're going to need
a lot of closet space.

- I have seen the hats.
- There will be a lot of activity.

Things will shift quickly.

Your reality,
your vacation plans.

And God knows what
those children will be like

when they grow up.
I cannot vouch for them.

I will not hold you responsible.

It's awfully quick,
your courtship.

Anything I should know that will
certainly kill her mother?

No. I've just waited a long time
to find the right person,

and now I have. That's all.

Well, if this
is truly your intention,

in addition to the bank records,

I will need
25 character references.

Are you going to
write this down?

There's a list.
I'll need to know

the names and birth dates
of your family,

how religious you are,
what your hobbies are,

what percentage of time
you spend on such hobbies,

are you a dog or a cat man...

very important...
your favorite authors.

You see, Benjamin,
after the Joel fiasco,

I am taking this decision

very, very seriously.

You have somewhere else to be?

No. Well, surgery.

But never mind. Go on.

I'll need to know
all political affiliations,

favorite baseball team,

favorite radio shows...

Mr. Weissman,
could you excuse me a minute?

I need to use the bathroom.

Oh. That's something you do?

Yes.

All right. If you must.

Oh.

- What was that for?
- I just needed to make sure

- you're worth all this.
- I am.

God, this is much harder
than I thought it was gonna be.

My father's a complicated man.
But once this is over,

you guys are going to be
very close.

- It will never be over.
- It will be.

Four patients have already died
this morning.

- A small price to pay.
- I thought we were making progress

when we stumbled
onto the Big Bang theory.

How do you stumble
onto the Big Bang theory?

And then he asked
if I snack in between meals.

- You said no, right?
- I said it depends.

- Oh, dear.
- It does. It's snacking.

There's no plan.
That's what makes it snacking.

Okay, relax. You're doing fine.
And get back in there.

If he thinks you're taking
too long in the bathroom,

there will be
a very thorough physical

- in your future.
- Bye.

Is this how you look
in the morning?

Yes, it is.

I'll never make it
to work on time again.

- I'm back.
- That was quick. Good for you.

Get these downstairs
to accounting now

- or no one gets paid.
- What?!

Everyone's getting paid!
It's an expression.

- Get back to work.
- Mr. Maisel, phone.

The Dutch fabric shipment's
gone missing.

How does a truckload of fabric
go missing?

- Joel, are we on for tonight?
- I have the kids tonight.

- I love kids.
- Great. Go have some.

- Never mind, they found it.
- Where?

Times Square.
The driver had an audition.

Get the shipment,
fire the driver. In that order.

Okay, see, when I gave you

that giant amount of money
to go away,

- I expected you to go away.
- I don't have time right now, Pop.

I fired you, and you responded
by bringing your children here.

Is that hostile or adorable?
I just can't tell.

I'll go. I'm going.
I just have to figure out where.

In the meantime, Mrs. Moskowitz,

when is the Joseph Miller
meeting again?

- 4:45.
- 4:45?

That's what he said, 4:45.

Hey, what are you drawing there,
Ethan?

Mommy's friend. Bathroom!

Mr. Maisel, I am not cleaning
that bathroom again.

I got it, Mrs. Moskowitz.

He's like a sprung garden hose,
that child.

- Mommy's got a friend.
- Fuck you.

Aha, baby's first swear word.

Definitely not her first.

What is your life, anyhow?

Ethan!

Remember, pal, you have to look
where you're aiming

- when you use the urinal.
- Why?

Because if you keep hitting
the floor and the counter

and the ceiling,
no girl's ever gonna marry you,

and Mrs. Moskowitz
is gonna leave your daddy,

so we'll both be alone.

Hey. So, Mommy has
a new friend, huh?

- Yeah.
- And you met him?

- Yeah.
- Where?

At the park.

I thought you had to go
to the bathroom.

Not fun now!

- This one?
- Second wedding.

- This one?
- Second wedding.

- This one.
- Miriam, please.

You can't wear white.
It's a second wedding.

- You can wear champagne.
- I don't want to wear champagne.

It's not a color. It's what
happens when white gets sad.

Well, I'm sorry. Second weddings
are subtle, dignified.

No big halls or lavish dinners.

Second weddings mean 40 guests

and a luncheon at home
with scrambled eggs.

Wow.
What's the third wedding mean?

Third wedding means I'm dead.

- Can I wear white?
- Keep looking, please.

There may not even be a wedding
at this rate.

Papa still hasn't said yes.

Plus, he said
if he does say yes,

- he's not gonna pay for it.
- Yes, he will.

He'll pay for a second wedding
here at home with scrambled...

Scrambled eggs
and a champagne dress.

Oh, now cheer up.
You can still give a toast.

I know you have your heart set
on giving a toast.

- How do you know that?
- Ladies.

Papa. Hi!

There's a sandwich for you
in the refrigerator, Abe.

Papa? Hey, Papa?

Papa? Papa?

Miriam, do you get paid
by the "Papa"?

No.

- So, Papa...
- Pickles.

I was just wondering
if you've thought any more

about your talk with Benjamin?

- No.
- No? Just no?

No. Yes, no.

Well, you know from experience,
the sooner you book a hall,

the better deal you get.

No hall! Second wedding!

I do not have an answer yet.

Well, is there anything
you want to talk about with me?

- No.
- Anything I can tell you?

- No. Wait. Yes.
- Great. What?

Do you ever call him Ben?

- No.
- Benny?

- No.
- Dr. Ben?

- No.
- Okay.

Thank you for that information.

Papa? Papa...

For a woman who wants to make
her fortune on the stage,

you have
an extremely limited vocabulary.

Why won't you give
your permission?

I didn't say
I wouldn't give my permission.

I just said
I haven't decided yet.

Well, what's taking you so long?

I have to run his numbers again.

I don't think
his figures add up.

It's not fair to make him wait.

Well, if he doesn't like it,

he can go ahead and marry you
without my permission.

Joel did.
That turned out great.

Forget it.

When I've decided, you'll know.

- Fine.
- I'll send up a flare.

Super.

Miriam, wait.

I need to ask you something.

What did you say in Washington?

What did I say about what?

In your club date...
what did you say about...

about me?

Papa, I swear,
that night in the Catskills

was a total
and complete anomaly.

- So you didn't talk about me at all?
- I did not.

Cross my heart and swear to God
on the life of my kids.

- Oh, wait.
- You did talk about me.

- Just a little.
- What did you say?

- It's very important that I know.
- I said,

"Is Senator Kennedy
running for president?

"It's up to Jackie.
You know she wears the pants

- in that family."
- No, she doesn't.

Well, I haven't gotten
to the part about the linen.

- What linen?
- Her pants are linen.

- Who cares what fabric they are?
- No.

The whole point of the bit is
she wears linen pants,

and they wrinkle
while you're ironing them.

You know, you don't seem to be
getting any better at this.

- Let me start again.
- Please don't.

Just skip to the part about me.

I said, I found you listening
to my four-year-old's record,

a song about teaching yourself

to wipe your, uh... tushie,
after going to the bathroom,

and you said you were listening
to it, because at work,

you're trying
to teach a computer to sing.

And what was the punch line?

Now I'm wondering,
does my father not know

- how to go to the bathroom?
- Okay.

- And if that's true, who taught me?
- I get it.

- Because my mother never goes to the bathroom.
- That's enough.

- I heard my name!
- No, you didn't.

What else did you say?
About Bell Labs?

- About the work there?
- Nothing.

No specifics about what I do?

I don't know what you do.
I've never known what you do.

Most of the time, I have no idea
what you're talking about.

I have no idea why we're having
this conversation right now.

All right.

I believe you.

We haven't finished
our Benjamin conversation yet.

- Yes, we have.
- I want an answer.

- Okay. No.
- You're right. Take your time.

- What do you think?
- I think it's a piece of shit.

That's the eighth chair
you said was a piece of shit.

I believe all eight are
genuinely a piece of shit.

Jackie, we can't throw out
every fucking chair.

Now, just tell me, what can
you fix and what can't you fix?

- Fix?
- Repair.

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

Who told you
I can fix anything?

I thought you were a carpenter.

Who the fuck told you that?

Isn't that what you did
before you worked here?

No! Oh, wait.

Yes, I did. I am a carpenter.

So can you fix these?

Absolutely.

What?

I just... Never mind.

Gaslight.

- Susie Myerson?
- Yeah?

I'm calling
on behalf of Sophie Lennon.

- Oh, shit.
- Excuse me?

I, um... I'm bleeding.
Uh, could I call you back?

Miss Lennon
requests your presence

at her house this Friday,
1:00 sharp.

- What? Why?
- She is requesting it.

Friday, 1:00 sharp.

Uh, Friday's not really good
for me.

My mistake.
She is demanding your presence

at her house Friday, 1:00 sharp.

- But...
- 215 East 98th Street.

Eat before you come.
Lunch will not be served.

Wait!

That was Sophie Lennon
summoning me to her house.

Can you believe that?
After what Harry Drake did?

After what she did to Midge?
Is she crazy?

- You got to go.
- What do you mean, I got to go?

- No way.
- You fucked up.

You went off,
you made things worse.

Now you got to go eat some shit
to make things right for Midge.

Midge wouldn't want me
to eat shit.

Doesn't matter what she wants.

You're the manager. You go to do
what's best for your client.

I don't like this side
of you, Jackie.

- What side?
- Rational. It's freaking me out.

Look, one thing I know about,
even more than carpentry,

and this is
from personal experience...

in life, sometimes you got
to eat a whole lot of shit.

Piles of it.
More shit than you can imagine.

If you took a pack of wolves
with stomach issues,

and locked them
in your apartment for a month,

and then came home with a spoon,

that's the amount of shit
I'm talking about.

Thank you for the vivid imagery.

Life is basically
an all-you-can-eat shit show.

- You're disgusting.
- Yup, but I'm right.

Hey, I fixed it.
How the fuck do you like that?

Joel? It's me. Can I come in?

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

Ethan, grab your bag.

- Your mother's here.
- Everything okay?

You were supposed
to be here at 6:00.

I know. I'm sorry.

They are both fed,
but Ethan's decided

he wants an additional
bedtime meal, so you figure out

what the hell that means
so I can be prepared next time.

- Joel...
- Bye, pal.

- See you in a few days.
- Joel, what's the matter?

- Nothing.
- Why are you giving me the brush-off?

I'm not giving you
the brush-off.

I have to work, you have to go.
Case closed.

Okay, but...

Okay, I'll drop them off
on Friday.

- Yup.
- Come on.

I heard about Ethan meeting
your new friend at the park.

- Oh, Joel...
- You know, I have friends, too.

Maybe I should introduce them
to the kids at the park.

I'm sorry. It was a mistake.

Mama told him we were there.
I didn't invite him.

Those are my children, Midge.

I have a right
to know who's meeting them.

- I agree. I told him that.
- Oh, you did? When?

When he showed up. I told him
that you didn't know about it,

and I needed to tell you
before I introduced them.

This is bullshit.

- I thought we were playing nice.
- We are.

My kids!

Mine! I should be informed

before you hand them over
to another man.

I didn't hand them over
to another man.

He showed up by accident.
It was not intentional.

Don't make this a thing.

It is a thing!
It's a big fu...

I have to work.
You have to go.

You're being unreasonable.

Oh, am I?
Well, you should leave me then.

Oh, wait.

I didn't leave you. You left me!

And then you left me back!
Figuratively speaking.

- Bye.
- Bye!

We used a urinal.

She's got a friend,
a fucking...

- friend!
- I hate friends.

Kids have all sorts of friends.

"Come meet my kids.
We're in the park."

Three kids.
It's a lot of friends.

They're my kids, asshole.

My kids!

Your two kids.
I've got three.

Three kids, same income!

"It was an accident."

Accident, my ass.

Accidents happen all the time,

especially after four Rob Roys,
hence... three kids!

You know what? I'm done.

Me, too. I don't care
what Imogene's mother says.

I know I fucked up, okay?

I fucked up! I get it!

And I've been paying
for it for a year.

No more.

She wants to live her life?
Great.

I get to live mine, too.

Well, someone should,
'cause it won't be me.

Three kids!

My mother of all people... she
told me to stop waiting around.

Well, here you go, Ma. You win!

Mothers always win.

Three kids!

She's not the only one
who gets a dream.

I'm gonna have a dream.

My dream?

A really empty house.

You know, when I was a kid,

there was this place
down by the tracks.

A real shithole gin joint.

The place barely had a roof,

- but they got some great musicians to play there.
- Yeah?

Louis Armstrong
stopped by one night.

Blew the fucking roof
off the place.

The owner, Mario...
he let me hang out there.

Threw me a couple of bucks
if I ran errands,

bought the guys cigarettes,

hauled some beer crates
out of the cellar.

I loved that place.

Maybe it wasn't the comedy.

What do you mean?

Clearly, I'm not funny,
but maybe it was the club life,

the club scene,
maybe that's what I loved.

I have to say,
I always thought you were funny.

- Archie.
- You always make me laugh.

Your impression
of your Uncle Moe slays me.

I'm talking professional funny.

Midge funny.

Oh. Well, yeah,
you're definitely not that.

I think I'm gonna do it.

I think I'm gonna open a club.

I guess now we have
to pick up all those balls?

Yup.

Probably should have thought
about that before we started.

So many things we should have
thought about before we started.

Charles, I'd like to talk to you
in the secure room... now.

I'm very busy, Abe, so
we'll need to make this brief.

I talked to my daughter Miriam
about your concerns,

and I can assure you...

Abe, you remember
Martin Cummings.

He's with our Government
Liaison Department.

- Hello, Abe.
- Yes, hello, Martin.

But, Charles, we don't need...

Abe, you remember Bob Jackson,
head of our in-house counsel.

Yes. Hello, Bob.

But, Charles, what I want
to say doesn't require...

And, of course,
Devlin Mclaine, obviously.

He's here as a witness.

They must have buzzed
the wrong room.

We're done.

Okay. As I was saying,

I talked to Miriam,
and she told me...

She did not say anything

about any project
we are working on here.

She made a joke

about the record I was playing
at home, and that is all.

She's a comedian.

They humiliate their families
onstage.

That's their job.

So, no harm was done.

Okay?

We don't see it that way, Abe.

Clearly, she knew
you were working on something.

- I'm always working on something.
- At the very least,

- you were extremely...
- Loose-lipped.

Extremely loose-lipped
about the situation.

- We don't like loose lips.
- They sink ships.

I've heard the phrase.

Why were you even
listening to this album at home?

Don't you have access
to a bunker

or a bomb shelter of some sort?

You can't be serious.

You played the album
in front of your daughter.

You then confirmed to her
that you were indeed working

on a Bell Labs
government project.

That alone puts you
in breach of contract.

So, not only are you
a security risk,

your daughter is one as well.

She might want
to retain a lawyer.

- A good one.
- She's a comedian.

And a girl.

What kind of risk
could she possibly be?

If I told you that,
then I would be a security risk.

And if I listen to that,
then I would be a security risk.

You came to me, remember?

You came to Columbia
and-and begged me to come here

and give you my expertise.

And I did.

And now you treat me
like a criminal?

Well, I can take that expertise
back as fast as I gave it.

Think about that.

You signed away
your intellectual property

when you signed your contract.

We own your expertise.

You can't own my expertise!

It's mine!

I think you should leave now.

When I was a young man,

I marched against people
like you.

People in coats
with tags and secret bunkers.

I was gonna fight you,
bring you down,

make the world a better place.

I don't know how I got
so far off that track,

but you better believe
I am going

to start retracing my steps
right now.

And if you ever threaten
my daughter again,

I will punch you
right in the nose.

It won't hurt.
I'm not strong.

But, at the very least,
you will be embarrassed

that you got punched in the nose
by a not-strong mathematician.

You really want to mess with me?

Go ahead.

Take your best shot.

And then you will find out what
Abe Weissman is truly made of.

You're going
to have to buzz me out.

- It's a girl!
- It's a girl.

Oh! Can I hug you?

I just had a shot.

Congratulations.

Millie. We called her Millie.

- Aw.
- Millicent, after Archie's someone or other.

But Millicent, ugh. So, Millie!

Millie is beautiful.

What's he doing there?

He was so nervous that Joel

took him to a bar to relax him

and brought him back like that.

He fell and got
two stitches in his head.

He just doesn't know it yet.

With Esther, Joel broke an arm.

Men are really terrible at this.

You want to see her?

Well, I certainly didn't
come here to see you.

- Oh, Imogene, she's perfect.
- Isn't she?

- Boy or girl?
- Girl.

Girl? Really?

You knew that, Archie.

- Can I hold her?
- Well, someone should.

Hello, Millie.

Millie? Really?

You named her, Archie.

I'm Miriam.

You can call me Midge.

We're gonna be great friends.

Hey, don't I have
an Aunt Millicent?

Go get some coffee, Archie.

See, now, if for some reason
things don't work out

with Ethan and Estelle,
then he can marry Millie.

Her first hand-me-down.

Hey, what happened to my head?

Oh, Midge, you have got
to have another baby.

- We always have them together.
- I know.

Don't you want another one?

Well, I have
two pretty good ones right now.

I know.
But when they're new...

Fresh out of the drawer...

There's nothing like it.

Do I have stitches?

Archie, coffee.

Okay.

So...

tell me where you stand.

- What do you mean?
- Benjamin.

Is he in or out? Because,
on paper, he seems perfect.

Off paper, too.

If you hurry and get married,

we can still take our stroller
walks in the park together.

Oh, I love those walks.

One more peek.

Hi, Midge.

I'm getting, uh...

uh...

Huh.

That's your daddy.

No, but my wife is great.

But, get this,
she's jealous of our toilet,

because I spend more time on it
than I do on her.

She says I should be
more attentive in bed.

Now, I'm in bed.
I'm not fast asleep.

I'd say that's
pretty damn attentive.

Of course, it doesn't help much
that I'm going bald on top.

But I got hair growing out
of the tops of my toes.

- You want a drink?
- I'm good.

This guy's nothing.
You can beat him.

It's not a competition.

Well, yeah, it kind of is.

You gonna do the shopping bit?

It's not ready yet.

I thought it went good
the other night.

It's not ready.

Okay.

Here's the thing, a penis is...

- You have a thread...
- I got it.

- You're up next.
- Finally.

Now, you're not gonna go after
any of my guys tonight, right?

- You're gonna be a good girl?
- "Good girl"?

What are you,
her kindergarten teacher?

Hey, I wasn't talking to you.

I'm her manager
and I get ten percent

precisely to tell you she can do
whatever the fuck she wants.

I'm not gonna go after any
of your guys. I promise.

Okay. Let's go.

Thank you. I'm Miles Shapiro.

I'll be at the Trap in Hoboken
for a full week in December,

so hop on the H&M, come on out,
and keep me company!

Good night, everybody!

Next up onto the stage,

a pretty lady with a lot to say.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Maisel.

Hey, wait.
We didn't do "Tits up."

- Tits up.
- Tits...

Good evening, everyone.

I'm Mrs. Maisel.
It's great to be here at...

Wait, where are we? Oh, right.

In that case,
it's just okay to be here.

It's better than traffic.

Or prison.
Well, maybe not traffic.

Prison has less angry people
screaming.

I almost didn't make it here
at all.

My best friend Imogene
just had a baby.

A little girl.

She's adorable.

Still has the cute little
forceps dent in her head.

And I sat there
in that hospital room thinking

about all the things this little
girl has to look forward to:

roller skates,

jump rope,

cramps,

and one day getting pregnant
and having her own baby.

And I started really thinking
about the whole pregnancy thing.

I mean, okay, you have sex.

Nice.

You get pregnant. Nice.

You let a human being grow
inside your stomach

for nine months
till it's six to 12 pounds large

and then you give it
an escape route

the size of a change purse.

And-and not a normal

"I'm going to the market"
sized change purse,

with room for cash and
a Diners Club card, but a tiny

little "I'm going out
for the evening,

I just need lipstick"
change purse.

Who agreed to this?

Who, in the beginning,

when it was getting sorted out,
negotiated this deal?

Was it Eve?

No. I bet it was Adam.

He hadn't eaten
from the Tree of Knowledge yet,

so he was just like,
"Yeah, that'll fit."

See, the thing I know the most
about pregnancy

- is that there is absolutely...
- Okay, okay, okay!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mrs. Maisel!

All right,
we're gonna take a short break.

But, uh, a lot more comedy ahead
of you, so get ready!

Are you crazy?
You can't say that onstage.

Say what, "change purse"?

- What the fuck, Bobby?
- "Pregnant."

I can't say "pregnant"?
Are you kidding?

- Nobody wants to hear that word.
- Well, I know they don't want

to hear it in the context
of "Guess what, I'm pregnant.

- Who gets to tell your wife?"
- Any context.

- It's foul.
- It's foul?

The guy before her talked
about getting dick fungus.

That was funny.
This is female stuff.

- It's private.
- It's real.

It's life. Literally.

She can talk
about whatever she wants to.

- It's her act.
- Nope. Here she tells jokes.

You want to talk
about your female parts,

you go see the obstrenician...
ob... whatever the fuck.

Not on my stage!

I hate that guy.

Screw this place. We don't have
to play here anymore.

Really?
Where else are we gonna go?

- Anywhere.
- Anywhere below Midtown

or in another state,
as long as it's a shithole

and has only three people
in it, right?

Next thing you know, I'll
be reduced to doing two minutes

in the ladies' room. I mean,
"Why are there mints in here?

"It's not your mouth
that needs refreshing.

"Am I right, ladies?
I'll be here all week.

Remember to tip your attendant."

We'll find more clubs.

This business sucks.

I hate it.

Hey, that's the game.

You know that.

You just have to keep fighting.

You keep fighting.

I'm gonna get a drink.

♪ It's quarter to 3:00 ♪

♪ There's no one in the place ♪

♪ Except you and me ♪

♪ So set 'em up, Joe ♪

♪ I got a little story ♪

Two comics walk into a bar...

And neither one has any money
to pay for the drinks.

Ah, shit,
you've heard it before.

What are you doing
in this despicable place?

Sulking.

I was just yanked
from the stage mid-set

and thrown out of the club.

- What did you say?
- "Pregnant."

Oh, well,
then you had it coming.

I wasn't even dirty.
That dirty.

I wasn't any dirtier
than I usually am,

and this asshole literally
pushed me off the stage

because I was talking about
my best friend having a baby.

Well, you know I like you.

And, normally, I would do
everything in my power

to make you feel better.

However, tonight,

I am feeling very sorry
for myself,

so all of my sympathy
is reserved for me.

What's the matter?

We can now add Chicago
to the list of places

that have a warrant out
for my arrest.

What did you say?

I talked about your friend
having a baby.

And the Pope fucking
a three-legged duck.

And interracial dating.

And what does Marilyn Maxwell
possibly see in Bob Hope.

That's what they got you for.

The man is a national treasure.

At this rate, the only place
I'm gonna be able to work

is Wyoming, and who knows what
the people of Wyoming will do

at the sight of their first Jew.

Hey, drink your drink.

♪ I could tell you a lot ♪

That wasn't my drink.

But it did help.

Thanks.

♪ True to your code ♪

I'm tired.

I'm getting tired.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

Sometimes, I think,
"Is it worth it?"

And, sometimes, I think, "No."

I'm Sisyphus,

without the fabulous hair
and the loincloth,

pushing that boulder up that
hill over and over and over.

Try it in heels.

I'm working to pay
all the lawyers.

I'm broke.

I gave up my apartment,
sold my car.

Well, I think it was my car.
But, either way, it's gone.

Do you need some money?

I could ask my father
for a loan.

Thank you.
Thank your father,

but I am very capable of running
out on a bill like a grown-up.

♪ Won't you listen to me ♪

It's going to be okay.

Is it?

♪ Till it's talked away ♪

Yes.

There is a little silver lining.

Steve Allen gave me a spot
on his show.

That's a pretty big
silver lining, mister.

He's giving me a chance to prove

that I can play nice
with the other kids.

Make myself presentable again.

That's great.

Yes.

Yes, it is.

First time I took my son Ethan
for a playdate with other kids,

he was so nervous
that I promised to stand outside

the whole time
in case he wanted to leave.

He didn't.

It rained.

Want me to come stand
outside your playdate?

♪ But this torch that I found ♪

♪ It's got to be drowned ♪

You are lovely.

♪ Might explode ♪

Yes, a little moral support
never hurts.

Okay.

I want you to know
that I am feeling...

...a little emasculated
right now.

I don't really mind it,
actually.

♪ So long ♪

Sunday night. 8:00.

♪ The long ♪

Bring an umbrella.

♪ Very long. ♪

"Eat shit." You eat shit.

I'm kidnapped,
my client's fucked over,

but I'm the one
that has to eat shit?

Okay, screw it.

- Miss Myerson?
- Yeah.

May I see some form
of identification?

Won't you come in?

Thanks.

Wow, cramped.

Miss Susie Myerson.

Jesus Christ.

Come closer.

Close enough.

Two steps back.

So...

Okay, look, I came here to eat
shit so just let me eat it.

I thought my secretary told you
to eat before you came.

The other night
in my dressing room you said

some dreadful things.

There were threats of violence.

Against me, against my costume.

I know, I'm sorry about that.

You blocked my steam; no one has
ever blocked my steam before.

I was out of line, okay?

But you have to understand,
I was protecting my client.

- Out!
- Okay.

Not you.

Did you know that I went
to the Yale School of Drama?

That's where I met Kazan.
Fucked him, too.

I fancied myself Medea, Phaedra,

Nora, Hedda Gabler,
Maggie the Cat...

Richard III?

But fate had something different
in store for me.

Sophie from Queens.

You know
I've never been to Queens?

I've driven through,
I've performed there,

but I've never actually been.

Tell me, is that really
how they talk?

Well, they don't discuss
putting things on plates

as much as you think.

Harry Drake, he knew
I wanted to be a serious actress

when he signed me,
but he didn't care.

He didn't care about
Sophie from Ann Arbor.

He only cared about
Sophie from Queens.

And I thought, "All right,
so become a star, Sophie.

Then you can do
whatever you want."

And now I am a star.

And I still slap on
a fat suit night after night

because my people
don't think the audience

will come see me in
A Streetcar Named Desire.

Oh, they're wrong;
I'd pay anything

to see you carted off
to an asylum.

My people say, "Stay where you
are or you'll lose everything."

They don't believe in me.

I want someone to believe in me.

To fight for me,
to threaten violence for me

the way you threatened
violence for her.

Well, Harry Drake did send
two guys to kill me.

And yet here you are.

Look, Sophie, Miriam and I
are just different, okay?

We have kind of a special thing
going on, a connection.

And I want
a special thing as well.

I want someone
to have passion for me.

Drive, vision, fearlessness.

I want you.

To what?

I want you to be my manager.

Do not concern yourself
with returning the coat.

Miss Lennon's worn it twice.
Good-bye.

What the fuck?!

Second wedding, my ass.

Hello?

I've heard absolutely nothing
from your father

and I'm going insane.

Then you'll fit
right into our family.

What could possibly be
the holdup?

I'm a doctor. Do you know
what kind of parking spaces

you get when you're a doctor?
Spectacular.

That was the clincher for me.

I wonder if I blew it
with my reading list.

- Why?
- I padded it a little.

A lot. I padded it a lot.

- It doesn't matter.
- What if there's a quiz?

- There won't be a quiz.
- We had fun, didn't we?

Hey, relax.
You have surgery today.

Go have a martini. Or you're in
a hospital, take a Seconal.

Someday I'll need
to explain to you

what surgery actually entails.

- Paging Dr. Ettenberg.
- Maybe I should call him again.

- Is that too desperate?
- Do you have to go?

No. Why?

- Aren't you Dr. Ettenberg?
- Yeah, so?

Oh, God, I have to go.
I told you, insane.

- I'll call you later.
- It's all going to be fine.

I promise you.

Hello?

May I speak to Mrs. Maisel?

Who's calling?

Shy Baldwin here.

We met the other night,
remember?

Remember? Well... Shy Baldwin?

Shy... Mama!

My mother would love to
talk to... Mama, seriously!

Oh, shit, I forgot. Hairdresser.

Hairdresser's very important.

She will never forgive me
if she misses this.

She will kill me. Brutally.

And then it might be linked
to you in the press

and I'd feel terrible
about that. Please wait

till she gets back.
Can I get you some coffee?

Absolutely, cream and sugar.

- You're not here.
- And you should be a singer

with that kind
of breath control.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a really big...
Why are you calling?

Because I saw you
on that telethon

and I thought
you were sensational.

And as I was sitting there
having my nightcap,

I said to myself,
"Why isn't that girl a star?"

And then I said to myself,
"Well, you know what, Shy,

you can help
with this situation."

So I am.

How would you like
to open for me on tour?

What?

It'll be six months.

Three in the States,
three in Europe.

You'll do 30 minutes
and a couple of bits with me.

We leave in two weeks
and you'll need

a lot of new fancy clothes,
which I will pay for.

There it is. That's the purpose
of my phone call.

- So, what do you...
- Yes.

Are you sure you don't need...

No. Yes.

Oh, my God. Yes.

Then we have a deal,
little miss mouthy.

I'll get in touch with your
people to work out the details.

We're gonna have
a hell of a time.

Talk to you soon.

Oh!

I have news.

God, give me
a fucking heart attack.

Wait, the heart attack's coming.
We need a drink.

I need a defibrillator.

- You ready?
- Sure.

You are gonna have to give me
a better "sure" than that.

- Sure!
- Ew, go back.

Just fucking say it.

We are going on tour
with Shy Baldwin.

What?

He saw me at the telethon
in my shit spot

and he loved me and he wants me
to open for him for six months.

Huh? How's that story
gonna play on Jack Paar?

- You're sure it was Shy Baldwin?
- Yup.

And you're sure
he asked you to tour,

like flat-out asked you?

I want a pink dressing room.

Can you put that in my contract?

You're gonna open
for Shy Baldwin.

Fuck Midtown,
we're going to Europe.

I'm gonna need a passport.

And some decent underwear.

I can't believe it.

You know what I'd love to do?

Buy Sophie Lennon some flowers.

Sophie Lennon?

If she hadn't bumped me, I never
would've gone on at midnight

and Shy never would have seen me
and I wouldn't be assembling

a fabulous traveling outfit
in my head right now.

I see a blue hat with feathers.

Let's just focus on the tour.

Revenge is a dish
best served cold.

Get ready for
some ice cream, bitch.

I should get his people
on the phone.

Start talking salary;
I don't want him thinking

just 'cause you're new,
you're cheap.

I am totally new
and completely cheap.

Hey, hey.

We did it. You and me.

Miriam, I should tell you
something.

- You love me.
- No.

I am amazing.

Can you please stop talking
about yourself?

That's our bread and butter
now, sister.

I just need to tell you...

My underwear's fine, so shut up.

We're going shopping.

Right now.

I have dresses to buy
and hats to buy

and shoes to buy
and purses to buy.

Should we maybe make some money
before we go broke

and have to blow job
our way across Europe?

Hello? It's me. Who's here?

Miriam. I need to talk to you.

Can you do it on the move?

- I'm late.
- Of course you're late.

You're always late.

You ever wondered to yourself,

- "Why am I always late?"
- No.

Perhaps if you had a watch
for every outfit.

- You needed to talk to me, Papa?
- Yes, I've made a decision.

About what?

What do you mean, "about what?"

How many decisions concerning
you am I making these days?

I don't know. Six?

- No.
- Eight?

- No.
- 35?

I made a decision
concerning you and Benjamin.

I know it took longer
than you had desired,

but I had a devil of a time
getting my hands

on his vaccination records.

I'm happy to say
his references checked out,

his financials are sufficient,
he can swim,

he's up-to-date
on his mortgage payments,

his tax returns are in order,

and his patients have
an 86% survival rate.

I will admit his reading list
gave me pause.

Panaslotsky is not a real author
and I was briefly offended

that he thought
I could be duped.

However, after much
deliberation, Miriam,

I have decided to give
Benjamin permission

to ask for your hand.

You may get married. Again.

What? What?

Shit.

Hello? Anyone here?

- Not a word. I'm coming, Rose.
- But Papa...

I have been waiting here all day
to tell your mother

some things that may well
make her take to her bed,

and I won't get a chance to
tell her those things if she's

- already taken to her bed.
- But...

Me first!

David Begelman says hello; I
ran into him at the shoe repair.

- He's aging very poorly.
- That's great.

Why don't we go into
my study for a minute?

Okay.

Just take a seat, please.

Um, where?

- Oh, uh...
- Mama?

- Uh...
- Papa?

I'm late, I'm heading out!

Abe, please, what do you want
to talk about?

Rose...

You know that things have been

a little unsettled
for me lately.

I know. They'll get better.

Yes, well, I went to Bell Labs
and talked to Charles.

- I was incredibly reasonable.
- Oh, dear.

- Is he hurt?
- No, Charles is fine.

We just talked.

But something happened to me
during that talk.

I started to think
about my life.

Who I used to be,
who I've become.

The choices I've made,
the way I've raised my children.

I think I need
to reevaluate some things.

What things?

It's not going to work out
with Bell Labs, Rose.

That is not a place
for me anymore.

Well, fine, you'll just focus
on the university.

And I'm going to leave Columbia.

What?

I don't want to teach
there anymore.

But-but you're
a tenured professor.

I know. And they want
to put me on the shelf.

- Take a sabbatical.
- A paid sabbatical.

I don't want their money
if I'm not earning it.

- Of course you do.
- I'm going to give it up.

All of it.

- The job, the tenure...
- You've lost your mind.

No, I haven't.

You're leaving Columbia?

I don't want to spend my life
just drifting along.

I used to have purpose.
I want it back.

- You're giving up your tenure?
- Yes.

Colombia owns
our apartment, Abe.

Yes... they do.

So, what do we do?

Move in with Miriam
and Benjamin?

You'd really better sit down.

So I'll tell you how we're

gonna fix the problem.
We've decided

that once a month,
we will book a comedian

who will offend everyone.

Fair enough? All right.

- He knows I'm coming.
- Doesn't matter.

- He knows I'm coming.
- You're not on the list.

- He knows I'm coming.
- He didn't leave a name.

He knows I'm coming. Lenny.

It's all right, Perry.
She's my mother.

You didn't leave my name.
Perry's having a heart attack.

I'm very sorry, Perry.
It won't happen again.

People's names
are supposed to be on the list.

That's how it works.

There goes the next president
of the United States.

Never mind him.
Let me look at you.

Good suit. Nice tie.
Hair's fine.

Get ready for your intro.
Only he goes onstage.

Hmm, Perry knows me better
than I thought.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

here is
a very shocking comedian,

the most shocking comedian
of our time.

A young man
who is skyrocketing to fame,

Lenny Bruce.

- Tits up.
- Thanks.

- You'll explain that when I get back?
- Yes, I will.

Will Elizabeth Taylor
become bar mitzvahed?

Yeah, I promise continuity.

I'll do all the lines
that we rehearsed.

And actually, I do have

and always will be accused
of banter.

Ha! Yeah.

But there is another side
to my nature...

uh, the aesthetic side.

A Clyde Beatty. Ha!

And I'm going to, uh...

Oh, did you dig that?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I'm so happy.

And I'm going to write
a musical, uh, with Steve Allen.

And it's sort of
a nice kind of thing.

And it's about a couple,

and if you've been married,
you know, or are now,

you know the scene that happens.

You have a million beefs
with your old lady,

and you break up,
then you go back together again.

But this couple in the play,
they're a little eccentric,

and they've broken up
and gone back

about 55 times in seven years.

But they keep going back
for the kids' sake.

So, finally, they go
to a marriage counselor,

it opens up,
and they're together,

and they're happy
without one argument.

But the kids are complete nuts

'cause they were so adjusted
to that scene...

you know, breaking up
and going back together...

that it's been
too much for them.

So they decide,
for the kids' sake,

to break up.

And in the scene,

Steve, like, you know,
he's my friend,

and we're hanging out together,

and, uh, he's got
the first line.

All right. Hey, Lenny,
where's your old lady?

- Oh, we had a beef, man. We broke up.
- Oh, that's too bad.

But don't worry,
you'll get back together.

No, that's it, you know?

You have a million fights,
and finally you decide

that's the one.
You've had it, you know?

And I finally got the guts,
and I got rid of her.

I don't believe it, man,
but I finally did it.

- I finally got rid of her.
- How'd you do that?

She left me.

But it's better off, man.

You're better off alone.

I'm really gonna swing.

I'm gonna fix up my own pad.

That's it.
I can really fix up a pad.

I'm gonna really get some
of that shiny black furniture.

And I'll get
a bullfight poster.

And I'll get a coffee table,
and I'll make a door out of it.

And I'll just really swing,
and it'll just be nice.

And I'll get
a satin smoking jacket

and a pearl white phone,
and I'll sit back and relax,

and finally
I'll be all alone, man.

That's the best way to make it.
All alone.

All alone.

♪ All alone, all alone ♪

♪ Oh, what joy to be all alone ♪

♪ I'm happy alone,
don't you see? ♪

♪ I've convinced you... ♪

Sorry to keep you waiting, Abe.

No problem. I just got here.

- My father says hello.
- How is Robert?

Angry. Hostile. The same.

Give him my best.

We-we should all have a meal
one of these days.

We could regale you with tales
of two angry young men

who thought
they knew everything.

My father still does.

He was a great speaker.

And he made great signs.

So, what can I do for you, Abe?

Well, there are things happening
in my life

that I believe I'm going to need
a really good lawyer for.

You know the kind of law
I practice, right?

I'm spoiling
for a really good fight.

Well, then you've come
to the right man.

Coffee. Speak.

♪ All alone, all alone ♪

♪ Like a nearsighted dog,
where's the bone? ♪

♪ Ah, but it's better
to be all alone ♪

♪ No more taking out
the garbage ♪

♪ Hear her yakking
on the phone ♪

♪ I gave her everything ♪

♪ Even my mother's ring ♪

♪ But to me she was so petty ♪

Sometimes I wish
that she were dead.

But it'd probably take her
two hours to get ready.

When she's old,

then she's gonna be sorry.

That's it. Like,
she's young and swinging now,

and she can get a lot of guys,
but when she's old...

I can see, about 20 years
from now.

"Oh, how you doing, Annie?

"Yeah, haven't seen you
in a long time.

"You look pretty good, baby.
You still washing your hair

"with Dutch cleanser, I see.

"Yeah. Yeah,
you look pretty good.

"You gained a few pounds.
What happened to your neck?

"Yeah. I heard you got married
a few times.

"Uh, me? No, I, uh,
I've always stayed single.

"I've-I've been investing
in property.

"I picked up a little place
in Mexico.

"Maybe you've heard of it.
It's called Acapulco.

"Where are you living?

"A furnished room?
Oh, that's nice.

"Yeah, you cook on the radiator,
the paper drapes.

"Sit in the lobby, watch
television and all that, yeah.

"That's cool, yeah.

"You have the Diners Club,
you sign for it.

You go first class in those
joints, I know that, yeah."

That's it.

Her future spells a murky gloom.

I'll be rich and famous,

and she'll be living
in a furnished room.

But it's gonna be too late.

I won't hear her moan.

I'll be living in my Nob Hill
mansion, rich...

and all alone.

♪ All alone ♪

♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'll be rich ♪

♪ But so ♪

♪ All ♪

♪ Alone. ♪

Midge?

I'm gonna open
for Shy Baldwin.

What?

Midge, that's...

He wants me to go
on tour with him.

He says I'll be gone six months.

And I said yes.

Just like that.

Didn't even think about it.

Didn't think about
anything or anyone.

Just yes.

And I understand now.

Everything's different.

I can't go back
to Jell-O molds.

There won't be three
before 30 for me.

I just made a choice.

- Midge...
- I am gonna be all alone

for the rest of my life.

That's what I just decided
in a five-minute phone call.

Amazing, isn't it?

You don't know that.
You don't...

I'm gonna leave really soon.

Barely enough time
to get packed.

Especially the way
that I travel.

And I don't want to be alone.

Not tonight.

Tonight...
just for tonight...

I really need to be with someone
who loves me.

♪ The warmth of your love's
like the warmth from the sun ♪

♪ And this will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time to come ♪

♪ Don't let go of my hand
now darkness has gone ♪

♪ This will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time to come ♪

♪ And I won't forget the way ♪

♪ You helped me up
when I was down ♪

♪ And I won't forget
the way you said ♪

♪ Darling, I love you ♪

♪ You gave me faith to go on ♪

♪ Now we're there
and we've only just begun ♪

♪ This will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time to come ♪

♪ The warmth of your smile ♪

♪ Smile for me, little one ♪

♪ And this will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time to come ♪

♪ You don't have to worry,
all your worried days are gone ♪

♪ And this will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time to come ♪

♪ And I won't forget the way ♪

♪ You helped me up
when I was down ♪

♪ And I won't forget
the way you said ♪

♪ Darling, I love you ♪

♪ You gave me faith to go on ♪

♪ Now we're there,
and we've only just begun ♪

♪ This will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time to come ♪

♪ And this will be our year ♪

♪ Took a long time ♪

♪ To come ♪

♪ My, my, my. ♪