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1
00:00:34,386 --> 00:00:35,426
Ahem.
2
00:00:35,466 --> 00:00:37,346
They're ready for you now.
3
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,626
Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
4
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:42,906
Bournemouth.
5
00:00:42,946 --> 00:00:44,626
But you don't know the others.
6
00:00:44,666 --> 00:00:46,706
No, but I'm familiar with you.
7
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:49,266
Why do you want to be an MP?
8
00:00:49,306 --> 00:00:51,706
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
9
00:00:51,746 --> 00:00:55,026
and rather than sit back and moan
I'd prefer to do something about it.
10
00:00:56,106 --> 00:00:57,346
Go again from the top.
11
00:00:57,386 --> 00:01:01,026
I don't know why anyone's surprised
the world's number one teen idol
12
00:01:01,066 --> 00:01:02,426
has become a Scientologist.
13
00:01:02,466 --> 00:01:03,986
Speed up the autocue, please.
14
00:01:04,026 --> 00:01:06,146
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
15
00:01:06,186 --> 00:01:09,546
'Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...'
16
00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:10,786
They said show you this.
17
00:01:10,826 --> 00:01:12,266
This happened just now?
18
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:12,906
Mm-hmm.
19
00:01:12,946 --> 00:01:14,426
Gladwell?
20
00:01:14,466 --> 00:01:17,146
"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell
resigns," - capitals -
21
00:01:17,186 --> 00:01:19,066
"over Twitter porn pics scandal."
22
00:01:19,106 --> 00:01:20,546
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
23
00:01:20,586 --> 00:01:22,866
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked,
24
00:01:22,906 --> 00:01:25,946
"resignation statement admits
inappropriate correspondence
25
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,066
"with a 15-year-old girl."
26
00:01:27,106 --> 00:01:30,106
So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?
27
00:01:30,146 --> 00:01:32,146
"Departure triggers a by-election
28
00:01:32,186 --> 00:01:34,426
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
29
00:01:34,466 --> 00:01:36,026
Well, you get to use
the Gladwell stuff.
30
00:01:36,050 --> 00:01:36,986
Mm-hmm.
31
00:01:37,026 --> 00:01:39,226
Bump it all up to
the top of the monologue.
32
00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:40,906
Anyone seen Jamie?
33
00:01:46,786 --> 00:01:47,786
Rach?
34
00:01:47,826 --> 00:01:50,066
'You really shouldn't be
calling me any more.
35
00:01:50,106 --> 00:01:51,786
'You need to sort yourself out.'
36
00:01:51,826 --> 00:01:53,266
I am.
37
00:01:53,306 --> 00:01:55,786
'Focus on Waldo,
that's going well for you.'
38
00:01:55,826 --> 00:01:57,146
But it is not...
39
00:01:57,186 --> 00:01:58,906
'He's a hit, Jamie.'
40
00:01:59,066 --> 00:02:01,426
"He." Not me, "he".
41
00:02:01,466 --> 00:02:03,066
'Just do your show.'
42
00:02:03,226 --> 00:02:04,906
I will. I mean, hon,
if you'd just...
43
00:02:06,186 --> 00:02:07,706
Jamie?
44
00:02:08,906 --> 00:02:10,466
Jamie, hurry up.
45
00:02:11,706 --> 00:02:13,986
What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
46
00:02:14,026 --> 00:02:15,826
Safe Tory seat.
47
00:02:15,866 --> 00:02:19,146
So, realistically, I know there's
not much of a chance, but...
48
00:02:19,186 --> 00:02:22,066
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
49
00:02:22,106 --> 00:02:23,546
Yes.
50
00:02:25,026 --> 00:02:28,266
Obviously, I wouldn't say
that outside of this room,
51
00:02:28,306 --> 00:02:30,346
but, well,
you want me to be honest.
52
00:02:30,386 --> 00:02:31,906
There's no point in pretending.
53
00:02:31,946 --> 00:02:36,466
Is there anything in your past that
might conceivably cause problems?
54
00:02:36,546 --> 00:02:37,746
No.
55
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,746
Except...
56
00:02:41,746 --> 00:02:44,346
..I did commit a series
of murders in Huddersfield
57
00:02:44,386 --> 00:02:46,346
between 1999 and 2003.
58
00:02:46,386 --> 00:02:47,946
But apart from that...
59
00:02:51,826 --> 00:02:54,186
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
60
00:02:54,226 --> 00:02:56,146
If you could leave via that door.
61
00:02:56,186 --> 00:02:57,906
Oh, that door?
62
00:02:57,946 --> 00:02:59,946
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
63
00:03:01,026 --> 00:03:02,506
Right, yes.
64
00:03:13,466 --> 00:03:16,706
Idiot. Idiot!
65
00:03:18,306 --> 00:03:21,786
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
66
00:03:21,826 --> 00:03:24,906
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
67
00:03:24,946 --> 00:03:28,586
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
68
00:03:28,626 --> 00:03:30,866
That position, presumably,
being hunched over
69
00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:33,066
wanking madly at school kids.
70
00:03:33,106 --> 00:03:34,666
'A pal of Gladwell said...'
71
00:03:34,706 --> 00:03:35,506
You ready?
72
00:03:35,546 --> 00:03:36,866
Uh-huh.
73
00:03:36,906 --> 00:03:38,946
..how old the girl wasn't.
74
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,546
That's the sort of feeble excuse
75
00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:43,266
'only a naive school kid
would swallow -
76
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,186
'which, presumably, was the idea.
77
00:03:46,466 --> 00:03:49,346
'Anyway, the bad news is
he's resigned in disgrace.'
78
00:03:49,386 --> 00:03:52,426
The good news is he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
79
00:03:52,466 --> 00:03:55,066
in the disgraced paedophile
industry.
80
00:03:56,746 --> 00:03:59,266
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...
81
00:03:59,306 --> 00:04:01,666
Um, small change to the intro.
82
00:04:01,746 --> 00:04:02,626
What?
83
00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:04,362
Nothing huge, Conor wanted the Jacko
gag for the monologue, so...
84
00:04:04,386 --> 00:04:05,826
That was my bit.
85
00:04:05,906 --> 00:04:07,866
There is the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
86
00:04:07,890 --> 00:04:08,426
Bit politics.
87
00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:09,266
You can do politics.
88
00:04:09,306 --> 00:04:10,826
I do piss-taking.
89
00:04:10,866 --> 00:04:11,906
Go be Waldo.
90
00:04:12,066 --> 00:04:13,146
Yes, commander.
91
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:15,066
'R Kelly believed he could fly,
92
00:04:15,106 --> 00:04:18,426
'and Michael Jackson believed
that his doctor was qualified...'
93
00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:20,506
Big ball blue bear bollocks.
94
00:04:20,546 --> 00:04:22,266
And now it's time
for our final visit
95
00:04:22,306 --> 00:04:24,706
to the world of educational
children's programming
96
00:04:24,746 --> 00:04:26,266
courtesy of everyone's favourite,
97
00:04:26,306 --> 00:04:29,706
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character,
98
00:04:29,746 --> 00:04:31,066
Waldo.
99
00:04:34,026 --> 00:04:36,546
Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
100
00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:39,346
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
101
00:04:39,386 --> 00:04:42,706
Well, Conor,
in my big pink cave this week
102
00:04:42,746 --> 00:04:45,706
I had former Minister
for Culture Liam Monroe.
103
00:04:45,746 --> 00:04:47,626
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
104
00:04:47,666 --> 00:04:49,906
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
105
00:04:49,946 --> 00:04:51,706
Want to see how it panned out?
106
00:04:51,746 --> 00:04:53,346
I think we should.
107
00:04:53,386 --> 00:04:54,706
Run VT!
108
00:05:07,586 --> 00:05:08,986
Hey, everybody!
109
00:05:09,026 --> 00:05:10,986
It's Waldo time!
110
00:05:11,026 --> 00:05:12,466
Yeah!
111
00:05:12,506 --> 00:05:13,986
Cool! Cool!
112
00:05:14,026 --> 00:05:16,986
Waldo-rrific!
113
00:05:17,026 --> 00:05:18,346
Ha-ha-ha!
114
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:21,866
Hey, kids,
my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
115
00:05:21,906 --> 00:05:23,426
Hello, Mr Monroe.
116
00:05:23,466 --> 00:05:24,826
Hello, Waldo.
117
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:27,906
Mr Monroe is a politician.
118
00:05:32,106 --> 00:05:34,546
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
119
00:05:34,586 --> 00:05:36,426
Well, a politician is someone
120
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:39,146
who tries to make the
world a fairer place.
121
00:05:39,186 --> 00:05:40,706
Like Batman.
122
00:05:40,746 --> 00:05:42,626
Not exactly like Batman.
123
00:05:42,666 --> 00:05:44,506
Do you beat people up?
124
00:05:44,546 --> 00:05:45,906
No, I don't beat people up.
125
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:47,466
Oh, you're a pussy then?
126
00:05:49,306 --> 00:05:51,266
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...
127
00:05:51,306 --> 00:05:53,986
You don't know what pussy is?
128
00:05:56,586 --> 00:05:59,066
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
129
00:05:59,106 --> 00:06:01,706
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
130
00:06:01,746 --> 00:06:02,986
Friends again?
131
00:06:12,786 --> 00:06:15,066
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
132
00:06:15,106 --> 00:06:16,186
Well done, really good.
133
00:06:16,226 --> 00:06:17,466
So, we'll bring him over.
134
00:06:17,506 --> 00:06:19,266
You go and get him,
I'll explain about...
135
00:06:19,306 --> 00:06:21,066
'Now, he comes across...'
136
00:06:21,106 --> 00:06:22,426
Jamie!
137
00:06:22,466 --> 00:06:24,466
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
138
00:06:24,506 --> 00:06:26,626
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
139
00:06:26,666 --> 00:06:27,346
Jack freaks me out.
140
00:06:27,386 --> 00:06:28,706
Yeah, ditto,
141
00:06:28,746 --> 00:06:31,027
but he owns the company
and the man he's with is important
142
00:06:31,051 --> 00:06:32,051
and wants to talk to you.
143
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:34,546
He's from the channel.
144
00:06:34,586 --> 00:06:36,066
Go on.
145
00:06:36,106 --> 00:06:36,826
'Honestly, all I'm saying...'
146
00:06:36,866 --> 00:06:38,266
'Is he shy?'
147
00:06:38,306 --> 00:06:40,506
'No, all I'm saying is
he's a terrific guy...'
148
00:06:40,546 --> 00:06:41,826
Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
149
00:06:41,866 --> 00:06:42,826
How do you do?
150
00:06:42,866 --> 00:06:44,066
Jim, Jack, James.
151
00:06:44,106 --> 00:06:45,346
Jamie.
152
00:06:45,386 --> 00:06:47,986
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
153
00:06:48,026 --> 00:06:50,826
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
154
00:06:51,946 --> 00:06:53,266
Toys out the pram.
155
00:06:53,306 --> 00:06:54,626
And that's...?
156
00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:55,986
Good press.
157
00:06:56,026 --> 00:06:58,426
It's so tough to get
a breakthrough these days,
158
00:06:58,466 --> 00:07:00,906
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
159
00:07:00,946 --> 00:07:03,346
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.
160
00:07:03,386 --> 00:07:06,786
You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...
161
00:07:06,826 --> 00:07:07,986
'Jack?'
162
00:07:08,026 --> 00:07:09,386
Excuse me.
163
00:07:10,946 --> 00:07:14,146
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
164
00:07:15,666 --> 00:07:18,626
Look, I know the show's
coming back again next year,
165
00:07:18,666 --> 00:07:21,226
but we want to see more of Waldo.
166
00:07:23,346 --> 00:07:24,626
They want to do a pilot.
167
00:07:24,666 --> 00:07:25,546
A Waldo pilot?
168
00:07:25,586 --> 00:07:27,706
Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
169
00:07:27,746 --> 00:07:29,906
Yeah. Sounds good.
170
00:07:29,946 --> 00:07:33,106
Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.
171
00:07:33,146 --> 00:07:34,586
Going to give it to 'em.
172
00:07:54,626 --> 00:07:57,186
But look, we can't do sketches
without Waldo.
173
00:07:57,226 --> 00:07:59,186
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
174
00:07:59,226 --> 00:08:00,786
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
175
00:08:00,826 --> 00:08:03,546
Realistically, there isn't
the budget for other animations.
176
00:08:03,586 --> 00:08:05,706
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
177
00:08:05,746 --> 00:08:07,626
What about the Brown Knight?
178
00:08:07,666 --> 00:08:09,186
What, the crap crusader?
179
00:08:09,226 --> 00:08:11,146
We can look into the Brown Knight.
180
00:08:11,186 --> 00:08:13,746
But right now
let's find more Waldo ideas.
181
00:08:15,386 --> 00:08:18,706
The problem is, any guests
we book will be in on it.
182
00:08:18,746 --> 00:08:21,066
They know that Waldo's a joke,
the surprise is gone.
183
00:08:21,106 --> 00:08:22,986
So, we think round that.
184
00:08:23,026 --> 00:08:25,666
Hey, boys and girls!
It's Waldo time!
185
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,826
Yeah! Ha-ha!
186
00:08:28,946 --> 00:08:30,706
He's awesome, isn't he?
187
00:08:30,746 --> 00:08:34,466
I mean, look - sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
188
00:08:36,866 --> 00:08:39,706
All right, Sara? How's the
think tanking going, good shit?
189
00:08:39,746 --> 00:08:41,706
Um, yeah, yeah,
we're making headway.
190
00:08:41,746 --> 00:08:43,186
Good.
191
00:08:43,226 --> 00:08:45,546
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
192
00:08:45,586 --> 00:08:48,266
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
193
00:08:48,306 --> 00:08:49,866
We should get Waldo down there.
194
00:08:50,946 --> 00:08:53,146
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
195
00:08:53,186 --> 00:08:56,346
We get a van with a screen with
the image of Waldo on the side.
196
00:08:56,386 --> 00:08:57,546
Like it.
197
00:08:57,586 --> 00:08:59,786
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet,
198
00:08:59,826 --> 00:09:01,626
we just turn up
and just get under his skin.
199
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:03,026
I love that, I love it.
200
00:09:03,066 --> 00:09:03,746
We've done Monroe.
201
00:09:03,786 --> 00:09:05,106
But it was a great bit.
202
00:09:05,146 --> 00:09:07,546
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...
203
00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:10,906
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
204
00:09:10,946 --> 00:09:12,026
Get people to vote for him?
205
00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:13,186
He's not real.
206
00:09:13,226 --> 00:09:15,706
But people have stood as
fictional characters before.
207
00:09:15,746 --> 00:09:17,986
Do you think Screaming
Lord Sutch was his real name?
208
00:09:18,026 --> 00:09:20,266
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
209
00:09:20,306 --> 00:09:22,906
No-one's actually going to vote
for him, that's not the point.
210
00:09:22,946 --> 00:09:25,986
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
211
00:09:26,026 --> 00:09:28,666
Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
212
00:09:44,956 --> 00:09:47,316
'He's with a mum and baby group.'
213
00:09:47,356 --> 00:09:50,996
OK. Going live
in five... four... three two...
214
00:09:51,036 --> 00:09:53,676
'Thank you so much
for joining me this morning.'
215
00:09:53,716 --> 00:09:55,316
It's been incredibly informative
216
00:09:55,356 --> 00:09:58,516
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
217
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,476
who were fantastic.
218
00:10:00,516 --> 00:10:02,996
Thank you, Naomi.
219
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,876
Thank you for your time.
220
00:10:07,876 --> 00:10:09,316
Hey!
221
00:10:09,516 --> 00:10:11,876
Hey, it's me Waldo.
222
00:10:11,916 --> 00:10:14,316
Oh. I like your trainers, man!
223
00:10:14,356 --> 00:10:16,836
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
224
00:10:16,876 --> 00:10:17,916
I've got stumps.
225
00:10:19,172 --> 00:10:20,172
He's out.
226
00:10:20,196 --> 00:10:22,236
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe.
227
00:10:22,276 --> 00:10:24,356
Hey! Did you get off with
any of the mums?
228
00:10:24,396 --> 00:10:26,476
Where'd you look while
they were breastfeeding?
229
00:10:26,516 --> 00:10:28,956
They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!
230
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,716
He said it!
231
00:10:30,756 --> 00:10:33,156
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
232
00:10:33,196 --> 00:10:33,756
I'm sorry about this, Liam.
233
00:10:33,796 --> 00:10:35,076
Hey, I'm being snubbed!
234
00:10:35,116 --> 00:10:37,796
Hey, don't ignore me.
Don't just get in your car.
235
00:10:37,836 --> 00:10:40,036
It's a death trap anyway,
look at it!
236
00:10:40,076 --> 00:10:42,476
Let's find out what we can about
the idiot inside that thing.
237
00:10:42,500 --> 00:10:43,500
Sure.
238
00:10:44,516 --> 00:10:46,076
Mr Monroe. Oi!
239
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,476
'Stentonford Labour Party.'
240
00:10:51,516 --> 00:10:53,396
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
241
00:10:53,436 --> 00:10:58,716
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name in there.
242
00:10:58,756 --> 00:11:00,396
This is like bloody Moonpig.
243
00:11:01,756 --> 00:11:03,556
Don't knock the free mail out.
244
00:11:05,756 --> 00:11:08,436
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some
Fisher-Price leaflet app.
245
00:11:08,476 --> 00:11:09,956
He doesn't have to.
246
00:11:16,036 --> 00:11:18,636
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
247
00:11:18,676 --> 00:11:21,476
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
248
00:11:21,516 --> 00:11:24,396
The licence fee is something
that's very close to my heart...
249
00:11:24,436 --> 00:11:26,756
'Mr Monroe, ey! Oh, oh, oh!
Look at me Mr Monroe, please!'
250
00:11:26,796 --> 00:11:29,356
Hey, over here! Hey, over here...
251
00:11:29,396 --> 00:11:31,356
Look over here, Mr Monroe...
252
00:11:31,396 --> 00:11:33,156
The Conservative Party
have been, er...
253
00:11:33,196 --> 00:11:36,876
Have been arguing for a reduction
of the licence fee for...
254
00:11:36,916 --> 00:11:37,636
Good morning, everybody.
255
00:11:37,676 --> 00:11:38,676
Pardon?
256
00:11:38,876 --> 00:11:40,132
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
257
00:11:40,156 --> 00:11:41,356
I beg your pardon.
258
00:11:41,396 --> 00:11:43,436
I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
259
00:11:43,476 --> 00:11:45,092
We have argued for a further
reduction in the licence fee...
260
00:11:45,116 --> 00:11:46,876
Mr Monroe? Why you ignoring me?
261
00:11:46,916 --> 00:11:48,676
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
262
00:11:48,716 --> 00:11:50,116
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
263
00:11:50,156 --> 00:11:54,116
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe
why he's ignoring me.
264
00:11:54,156 --> 00:11:56,356
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
265
00:11:56,396 --> 00:11:59,796
'Mr Monroe, what's Waldo
done to you?'
266
00:11:59,836 --> 00:12:03,316
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
267
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:06,636
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
268
00:12:08,516 --> 00:12:10,236
'I'm not ignoring you.'
269
00:12:10,276 --> 00:12:12,436
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
270
00:12:12,476 --> 00:12:14,556
You made Waldo sad.
271
00:12:19,796 --> 00:12:23,436
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...
272
00:12:27,996 --> 00:12:30,916
Let him get a word in.
273
00:12:32,116 --> 00:12:35,556
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
274
00:12:35,596 --> 00:12:38,396
You are an image voiced
by a comedian -
275
00:12:38,436 --> 00:12:40,276
an alleged comedian,
more accurately.
276
00:12:40,316 --> 00:12:42,396
If I'm not real,
why you talking to him?
277
00:12:42,436 --> 00:12:44,356
And by "him" I mean me, knobber!
278
00:12:46,756 --> 00:12:49,236
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
279
00:12:49,276 --> 00:12:52,036
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
280
00:12:52,076 --> 00:12:55,436
Thy flowery language doth give
me a right throbbing bone-on!
281
00:13:06,316 --> 00:13:07,676
Finished.
282
00:13:15,036 --> 00:13:16,796
Drink?
283
00:13:16,836 --> 00:13:18,396
I've got e-mails.
284
00:13:24,996 --> 00:13:27,996
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
285
00:13:28,036 --> 00:13:29,276
The Labour candidate.
286
00:13:31,196 --> 00:13:32,876
Did you read my background doc?
287
00:13:32,916 --> 00:13:34,036
Yes.
288
00:13:35,636 --> 00:13:38,076
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
289
00:13:47,836 --> 00:13:50,916
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...
290
00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:52,956
Are you my dad?
291
00:13:52,996 --> 00:13:55,836
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
292
00:13:57,716 --> 00:14:00,916
'..Waldo the bear left
Monroe in stunned silence.
293
00:14:00,956 --> 00:14:03,436
'The colourful Waldo
launched his own campaign
294
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,436
'in typically loud and
crowd-pleasing style...'
295
00:14:09,556 --> 00:14:11,556
Someone's bold? Do I know you?
296
00:14:11,596 --> 00:14:13,916
Nice way to greet a voter...
297
00:14:13,956 --> 00:14:15,876
Sorry, I thought you were...
298
00:14:15,916 --> 00:14:18,956
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
299
00:14:18,996 --> 00:14:22,436
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why
are you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
300
00:14:22,476 --> 00:14:23,676
You're good at that!
301
00:14:23,716 --> 00:14:24,796
Because I am that.
302
00:14:24,836 --> 00:14:25,916
What? You're that thing?
303
00:14:25,956 --> 00:14:29,356
Waldo's not a thing, he's a bear.
304
00:14:29,396 --> 00:14:33,636
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
Nice work there, by the way.
305
00:14:33,676 --> 00:14:37,156
Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.
306
00:14:37,196 --> 00:14:38,276
Another one?
307
00:14:38,316 --> 00:14:39,716
OK. One.
308
00:14:43,956 --> 00:14:47,116
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...
309
00:14:47,156 --> 00:14:48,156
No...
310
00:14:48,196 --> 00:14:50,876
..like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...
311
00:14:50,916 --> 00:14:51,916
Shh!
312
00:14:52,036 --> 00:14:54,756
..but your party leader has to show
up because it's a... mid-thing...
313
00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:55,796
Midterm by-election.
314
00:14:55,836 --> 00:14:56,836
Terminology tits.
315
00:14:56,876 --> 00:14:58,036
You are 12!
316
00:14:58,076 --> 00:14:59,996
So because leaderballs is there,
317
00:15:00,036 --> 00:15:03,036
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
318
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:04,396
so it's good exposure.
319
00:15:04,596 --> 00:15:05,892
You're not going to win,
you know you're not going to win...
320
00:15:05,916 --> 00:15:06,916
Come on, shh.
321
00:15:06,956 --> 00:15:08,956
You're not going to win though.
322
00:15:08,996 --> 00:15:09,996
Of course not.
323
00:15:10,036 --> 00:15:11,196
So, why not be honest?
324
00:15:11,236 --> 00:15:13,236
Say, "You arseholes aren't
going to vote for me,
325
00:15:13,276 --> 00:15:14,676
"so here's what I think anyway."?
326
00:15:14,716 --> 00:15:15,636
It doesn't work like that.
327
00:15:15,676 --> 00:15:18,116
Nothing does, that's why
everything's bollocksed.
328
00:15:18,156 --> 00:15:21,356
You're angry, for someone
who's doing well.
329
00:15:21,396 --> 00:15:25,356
I'm the voice of a blue bear...
330
00:15:25,396 --> 00:15:27,996
if that's, "doing well,"
then we are doomed!
331
00:15:32,156 --> 00:15:33,196
I can't see!
332
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:34,716
Hang on, there's a thing.
333
00:15:38,036 --> 00:15:41,556
Have you had a fox in here or do you
live like a 14-year-old?
334
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:48,316
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
335
00:15:48,356 --> 00:15:49,596
Shit, really?
336
00:16:06,516 --> 00:16:07,516
You're amazing.
337
00:16:07,556 --> 00:16:08,676
Sorry?
338
00:16:08,716 --> 00:16:10,516
You're amazing?
339
00:16:10,556 --> 00:16:12,116
Oh, thank you!
340
00:16:36,076 --> 00:16:37,556
What's up?
341
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:39,116
Nothing.
342
00:16:39,156 --> 00:16:40,436
Are you sure?
343
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:46,876
It's just...
344
00:16:50,916 --> 00:16:53,596
..I haven't been happy in a while...
345
00:16:55,636 --> 00:16:58,396
..and this is good, you know?
346
00:16:58,436 --> 00:16:59,436
Hm.
347
00:17:09,636 --> 00:17:12,396
Can I... have your number?
348
00:17:16,396 --> 00:17:17,876
Yes!
349
00:17:35,116 --> 00:17:36,796
Where's our mark this morning?
350
00:17:36,836 --> 00:17:38,436
We're out on the road.
351
00:17:38,476 --> 00:17:40,556
Ooh... bien sur.
352
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:51,716
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
353
00:18:15,276 --> 00:18:18,876
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
354
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:22,076
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
355
00:18:24,836 --> 00:18:26,396
'You're right. Strong Tory.'
356
00:18:26,436 --> 00:18:27,676
'I warned you.'
357
00:18:27,716 --> 00:18:31,276
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
358
00:18:33,196 --> 00:18:34,676
I'm voting Waldo!
359
00:18:38,396 --> 00:18:40,796
I met Waldo last night.
360
00:18:40,836 --> 00:18:42,596
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
361
00:18:42,732 --> 00:18:43,732
He's fun.
362
00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:45,316
Fun?
363
00:18:45,356 --> 00:18:46,356
Mmm-hmm.
364
00:18:48,356 --> 00:18:50,916
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
365
00:18:51,116 --> 00:18:52,476
Not really.
366
00:18:52,516 --> 00:18:54,116
Not really or no?
367
00:18:55,676 --> 00:18:56,876
Er, not really.
368
00:18:58,036 --> 00:18:59,196
Look, he's OK.
369
00:18:59,236 --> 00:19:00,396
He's a comedian -
370
00:19:00,436 --> 00:19:02,836
he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
371
00:19:04,916 --> 00:19:07,836
His act is all f-this
and penis jokes.
372
00:19:07,876 --> 00:19:08,876
But...
373
00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:10,756
Don't see him again.
374
00:19:17,476 --> 00:19:20,436
OK. Job done till
the husting tomorrow.
375
00:19:21,556 --> 00:19:24,556
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
376
00:19:24,596 --> 00:19:26,556
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
377
00:19:26,596 --> 00:19:29,636
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
378
00:19:29,676 --> 00:19:30,876
It's students, you'll walk it.
379
00:19:30,916 --> 00:19:32,756
I can't answer
serious questions...
380
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,876
No-one wants you to!
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
381
00:19:47,596 --> 00:19:51,436
Erm, just have a look. I'm sure
you'll find lots in there...
382
00:19:53,956 --> 00:19:59,196
Are there any particular issues that
you're concerned about at all?
383
00:20:14,716 --> 00:20:15,916
Hey.
384
00:20:15,956 --> 00:20:16,956
Oh, hi.
385
00:20:16,996 --> 00:20:17,676
I thought we were going to...?
386
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:19,156
Sorry - I've had a tough day...
387
00:20:19,196 --> 00:20:20,556
Right. Not even one?
388
00:20:20,596 --> 00:20:22,036
Sorry.
389
00:20:22,076 --> 00:20:23,596
Well, what about tomorrow?
390
00:20:25,076 --> 00:20:26,692
Look, I can't, when this
is happening, I can't see you.
391
00:20:26,716 --> 00:20:27,636
What do you mean?
392
00:20:27,676 --> 00:20:28,876
I'm sorry.
393
00:20:41,056 --> 00:20:43,536
Do they think that
looks like Question Time?
394
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,576
Yeah. It looks politicsy.
395
00:20:47,136 --> 00:20:49,216
Check the host.
396
00:20:49,256 --> 00:20:50,336
Jailbait Dimbleby.
397
00:20:57,976 --> 00:21:01,696
When it comes to addiction
and addicts, we should sympathise,
398
00:21:01,736 --> 00:21:03,856
but we shouldn't patronise.
399
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:07,256
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence, that is
400
00:21:07,296 --> 00:21:09,856
committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...
401
00:21:11,096 --> 00:21:13,336
Look, I'm sorry, these are the
facts.
402
00:21:13,376 --> 00:21:14,736
Waldo, what do you think?
403
00:21:14,776 --> 00:21:16,376
Mr Monroe, are you addicted?
404
00:21:16,416 --> 00:21:18,136
No.
405
00:21:18,176 --> 00:21:20,136
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?
406
00:21:22,856 --> 00:21:24,376
I think we have to ask ourselves...
407
00:21:24,416 --> 00:21:27,816
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
408
00:21:27,856 --> 00:21:31,736
And why do we waste our time with
animated trivialities like him?
409
00:21:33,536 --> 00:21:34,696
I mean why?
410
00:21:34,736 --> 00:21:35,736
Why? I mean why?
411
00:21:35,776 --> 00:21:37,736
I mean why? I mean why?
412
00:21:37,776 --> 00:21:39,256
I mean why? I mean why?
413
00:21:39,296 --> 00:21:42,736
This is just the kind of thing...
rather than see you laugh...
414
00:21:42,896 --> 00:21:44,296
They laugh at you, Limbo.
415
00:21:44,336 --> 00:21:46,776
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage.
416
00:21:46,816 --> 00:21:51,256
Who is scared to engage, who
hides behind a children's cartoon.
417
00:21:51,296 --> 00:21:53,896
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
418
00:21:53,936 --> 00:21:58,736
I'm... I'm... I'm
speaking about James Salter.
419
00:21:58,776 --> 00:22:00,016
Hm?
420
00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:03,776
Don't worry about it.
421
00:22:03,816 --> 00:22:05,856
That's your name, isn't it?
422
00:22:05,896 --> 00:22:08,376
James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
423
00:22:08,416 --> 00:22:11,296
He's 33 years old,
424
00:22:11,336 --> 00:22:15,136
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
425
00:22:15,176 --> 00:22:16,656
You were in a sketch troupe
426
00:22:16,696 --> 00:22:19,056
that enjoyed minor success about
six years ago,
427
00:22:19,096 --> 00:22:21,136
and the others moved on to
better things,
428
00:22:21,176 --> 00:22:23,896
but your main achievement seems to
have been playing
429
00:22:23,936 --> 00:22:25,576
the part of a corn on the cob
430
00:22:25,616 --> 00:22:28,696
in a high-interest personal
loan commercial.
431
00:22:30,056 --> 00:22:31,856
I notice you keep that
pretty quiet.
432
00:22:31,896 --> 00:22:35,056
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
433
00:22:35,096 --> 00:22:37,896
Which by the way is easier than it
looks. Anyone could do it.
434
00:22:37,936 --> 00:22:44,376
See, this is... this is the thing.
It's easy, what he does.
435
00:22:44,416 --> 00:22:45,856
He mocks.
436
00:22:45,896 --> 00:22:48,376
And when he can't
think of an authentic joke,
437
00:22:48,416 --> 00:22:51,216
which is actually quite often,
he just swears.
438
00:22:52,256 --> 00:22:56,336
I think that this puppet's
inclusion on this panel debases the
439
00:22:56,376 --> 00:23:00,416
process of debate, and smothers any
meaningful discussion of the issues.
440
00:23:00,456 --> 00:23:05,016
So I return to my original question,
is that really what this is for?
441
00:23:05,056 --> 00:23:08,216
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
442
00:23:08,256 --> 00:23:10,856
Prove me wrong. Hm?
443
00:23:10,896 --> 00:23:12,976
Speak, Waldo.
444
00:23:13,016 --> 00:23:17,176
Please. Come on. Speak up.
445
00:23:20,376 --> 00:23:22,776
There you see, nothing.
446
00:23:22,816 --> 00:23:23,856
Oh, go fuck yourself.
447
00:23:26,016 --> 00:23:27,736
It's more swearing.
448
00:23:27,776 --> 00:23:29,056
You're a joke.
449
00:23:29,096 --> 00:23:30,296
You look less human than I do
450
00:23:30,336 --> 00:23:32,456
and I'm a made-up bear with
a turquoise cock.
451
00:23:35,736 --> 00:23:39,776
What are you? You're just an old
attitude with new hair.
452
00:23:39,816 --> 00:23:42,656
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously?
453
00:23:42,696 --> 00:23:45,016
No-one takes you seriously,
that's why no-one votes.
454
00:23:45,056 --> 00:23:46,336
The vast majority do vote.
455
00:23:46,376 --> 00:23:47,216
It's bullshit.
456
00:23:47,256 --> 00:23:48,496
Surely this is enough?
457
00:23:48,536 --> 00:23:50,136
You think you deserve respect.
458
00:23:50,176 --> 00:23:51,216
Just common courtesy.
459
00:23:51,256 --> 00:23:52,656
Because you went to public school
460
00:23:52,696 --> 00:23:54,856
and believed you were
entitled to everything.
461
00:23:54,896 --> 00:23:55,576
Perhaps we could get back...
462
00:23:55,616 --> 00:23:56,936
Ad hominem nonsense...
463
00:23:56,976 --> 00:23:58,096
Gwendolyn Harris...
464
00:23:58,136 --> 00:24:01,136
Something's got to change. No-one
trusts you lot cos they know
465
00:24:01,176 --> 00:24:03,856
you don't give a shit about anything
outside your bubble.
466
00:24:03,896 --> 00:24:06,576
What about your mate Gladwell,
the kiddy-flasher?
467
00:24:06,616 --> 00:24:09,336
You knew him for 20 years,
did you not know what he was like?
468
00:24:09,376 --> 00:24:10,576
No, of course not.
469
00:24:10,616 --> 00:24:14,856
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
470
00:24:14,896 --> 00:24:16,856
and in that way you're all the same.
471
00:24:16,896 --> 00:24:21,616
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
472
00:24:21,656 --> 00:24:24,136
Well, of course I think no...
473
00:24:24,176 --> 00:24:27,176
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
474
00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:28,936
Seriously, she's faker than him.
475
00:24:28,976 --> 00:24:31,576
For once I agree with
Liam Monroe in that this...
476
00:24:31,616 --> 00:24:32,016
Are you going to win?
477
00:24:32,056 --> 00:24:35,216
..doesn't get us anywhere and
there's no point in us continuing...
478
00:24:35,416 --> 00:24:36,696
Tell them why you're here.
479
00:24:36,736 --> 00:24:38,616
..if we can't have anything
resembling a deba...
480
00:24:38,640 --> 00:24:40,680
Tell them why you're here.
481
00:24:43,456 --> 00:24:45,576
She's here to build a showreel.
482
00:24:45,736 --> 00:24:48,136
I'm not kidding, that's literally
it.
483
00:24:48,176 --> 00:24:50,336
Knows she's not going to win.
This is all experience,
484
00:24:50,376 --> 00:24:51,616
to get on telly.
485
00:24:51,656 --> 00:24:54,256
She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here than
486
00:24:54,296 --> 00:24:56,616
he does, because he'll actually
have to represent you.
487
00:24:56,656 --> 00:24:57,856
Am I wrong?
488
00:24:57,896 --> 00:25:01,856
A career politician.
Someone else less real than me,
489
00:25:01,896 --> 00:25:03,136
and I can do this.
490
00:25:07,336 --> 00:25:09,216
Can I just make
a couple of points?
491
00:25:09,256 --> 00:25:10,936
Oh, shut up, you pebble.
492
00:25:10,976 --> 00:25:13,616
What is this for? That's what you
wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
493
00:25:13,656 --> 00:25:16,616
And the truth is, none of us
know any more, thanks to you.
494
00:25:16,656 --> 00:25:19,856
What are you for? What are you for?
495
00:25:19,896 --> 00:25:21,616
Thank you and goodnight.
496
00:26:12,356 --> 00:26:14,276
Jamie.
497
00:26:16,076 --> 00:26:17,236
Jamie?
498
00:26:18,876 --> 00:26:21,316
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
499
00:26:22,596 --> 00:26:23,676
You can't avoid it.
500
00:26:29,076 --> 00:26:32,276
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
501
00:26:47,516 --> 00:26:49,636
'And yet accusations of vapidity
aside,
502
00:26:49,676 --> 00:26:51,956
'it's clearly tapped a nerve.
503
00:26:51,996 --> 00:26:54,716
'in just three days, Waldo has gone
viral.
504
00:26:54,756 --> 00:26:58,636
'The video of his clash has already
been viewed over a million times
505
00:26:58,676 --> 00:27:01,956
'on YouTube. There are Facebook
groups calling on Waldo
506
00:27:01,996 --> 00:27:04,756
'to form a national party.'
507
00:27:04,796 --> 00:27:06,476
'You're a joke.
508
00:27:06,516 --> 00:27:09,556
'You look less human than I do
and I'm a made-up bear with
509
00:27:09,596 --> 00:27:10,836
'a turquoise dick What are you?
510
00:27:10,916 --> 00:27:13,396
'You're just an old attitude
with new hair.
511
00:27:13,436 --> 00:27:17,356
'Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously.
512
00:27:17,396 --> 00:27:20,196
'No-one takes you seriously.'
513
00:27:28,396 --> 00:27:30,556
Oh, look, here
he is the man of the moment!
514
00:27:30,596 --> 00:27:32,276
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
515
00:27:32,316 --> 00:27:33,316
Shitifying.
516
00:27:34,876 --> 00:27:36,396
You are everywhere, my son.
517
00:27:36,436 --> 00:27:38,556
Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?
518
00:27:38,596 --> 00:27:40,756
You're in third place, mate.
519
00:27:40,796 --> 00:27:42,356
You overtook that Lib Dem prick...
520
00:27:42,396 --> 00:27:43,756
Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
521
00:27:43,780 --> 00:27:44,996
This is an opportunity, Jamie.
522
00:27:45,036 --> 00:27:47,036
He knows my name now.
523
00:27:47,076 --> 00:27:48,836
We could really do something here.
524
00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:51,196
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
525
00:27:51,236 --> 00:27:53,036
And Waldo gives that a voice.
526
00:27:53,076 --> 00:27:55,836
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
527
00:27:55,876 --> 00:27:57,396
Tell him, Tams.
528
00:27:57,436 --> 00:27:59,636
We've been asked on Consensus.
529
00:27:59,676 --> 00:28:03,076
It's a ten-minute one-to-one
interview with Phillip Crane.
530
00:28:03,116 --> 00:28:04,196
Pitbull Crane?
531
00:28:04,236 --> 00:28:05,276
Big guns for big guns.
532
00:28:05,316 --> 00:28:08,556
Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
I don't want to be a politician.
533
00:28:08,596 --> 00:28:09,916
We know that you hate politics.
534
00:28:09,956 --> 00:28:12,476
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
535
00:28:12,516 --> 00:28:14,196
You don't need to be
interested in them.
536
00:28:14,236 --> 00:28:15,516
You just need to be Waldo.
537
00:28:16,996 --> 00:28:19,516
And when Crane asks something tricky
and I look stupid
538
00:28:19,556 --> 00:28:20,436
because I don't know how to answer?
539
00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:22,516
You'll know the answer.
540
00:28:22,556 --> 00:28:24,276
Because you have a producer.
541
00:28:24,316 --> 00:28:27,916
Look, I can tell you what to say.
542
00:28:27,956 --> 00:28:30,676
I can live Google any facts,
give you stats, quotes,
543
00:28:30,716 --> 00:28:31,716
whatever else you need.
544
00:28:31,756 --> 00:28:34,116
So you've got a safety
net for the concrete stuff
545
00:28:34,156 --> 00:28:36,516
and the rest is Waldo
and you can do that in your sleep.
546
00:28:36,556 --> 00:28:38,556
You'll piss all over Crane.
547
00:28:38,596 --> 00:28:40,636
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
548
00:28:40,676 --> 00:28:43,236
Yeah good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
549
00:28:43,276 --> 00:28:46,316
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
550
00:28:46,356 --> 00:28:48,796
Now come on. What d'you say? Eh?
551
00:28:52,236 --> 00:28:53,596
Jamie! Jamie!
552
00:28:53,636 --> 00:28:54,956
Why would I want to do this?
553
00:28:54,996 --> 00:28:57,876
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
554
00:28:57,916 --> 00:28:59,356
I don't know what you're on about.
555
00:28:59,396 --> 00:29:02,276
Waldo has got the attention
of the young, and the young don't
556
00:29:02,316 --> 00:29:05,316
give a shit about anything
except trainers and pirating films.
557
00:29:05,356 --> 00:29:08,036
Do you have any other astounding
theories about young people?
558
00:29:08,076 --> 00:29:11,676
Yeah, yeah I do actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
559
00:29:11,716 --> 00:29:12,996
They'll vote for Waldo.
560
00:29:13,036 --> 00:29:14,476
The video was a hit for a reason.
561
00:29:14,516 --> 00:29:16,796
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
562
00:29:16,836 --> 00:29:18,716
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate -
563
00:29:18,756 --> 00:29:20,916
Doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
564
00:29:20,956 --> 00:29:22,196
We can build on that.
565
00:29:22,236 --> 00:29:23,276
Waldo's not real.
566
00:29:23,316 --> 00:29:27,076
Exactly! That's what you said that
really hit home. He's not real,
567
00:29:27,116 --> 00:29:28,636
but he's realer than all the others.
568
00:29:28,676 --> 00:29:30,356
He doesn't stand for anything.
569
00:29:30,396 --> 00:29:32,756
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
570
00:29:32,796 --> 00:29:35,276
Look we... we don't need politicians,
571
00:29:35,316 --> 00:29:38,116
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
572
00:29:38,156 --> 00:29:41,676
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
573
00:29:41,716 --> 00:29:45,436
Let the people vote thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
574
00:29:45,476 --> 00:29:48,316
That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.
575
00:29:48,356 --> 00:29:51,316
So's YouTube and I don't know
if you've seen it but the most
576
00:29:51,356 --> 00:29:55,356
popular video is a dog farting
the theme tune to Happy Days.
577
00:29:57,476 --> 00:29:59,396
Well, today it's Waldo.
578
00:29:59,436 --> 00:30:01,956
No. It's still the dog.
579
00:30:01,996 --> 00:30:04,596
Listen, can you imagine all
the things we can change
580
00:30:04,636 --> 00:30:06,636
if we fuck the politicians
out the equation?
581
00:30:06,676 --> 00:30:09,116
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
582
00:30:15,196 --> 00:30:17,196
Do you know who owns Waldo?
583
00:30:17,236 --> 00:30:18,396
I do, I own the rights.
584
00:30:20,996 --> 00:30:22,276
He's my character.
585
00:30:22,316 --> 00:30:23,876
Yeah, written for my show.
586
00:30:24,956 --> 00:30:29,636
You're too frightened to take to
the next level. Fine. I understand.
587
00:30:29,676 --> 00:30:31,516
But also, fuck off!
588
00:30:31,556 --> 00:30:32,596
And watch me fly.
589
00:30:32,636 --> 00:30:34,916
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
590
00:30:37,636 --> 00:30:41,116
Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin, eh?
591
00:30:43,356 --> 00:30:44,596
Pretty close, I'd say.
592
00:30:50,146 --> 00:30:52,106
What's happenin'? Ahh!
593
00:30:52,146 --> 00:30:55,946
Waldorific, yeah! Yeah!
594
00:30:55,986 --> 00:30:57,226
Why is it going off left again?
595
00:30:57,250 --> 00:30:58,026
Because the...
596
00:30:58,066 --> 00:30:58,986
I know! I've got my...
597
00:30:59,026 --> 00:31:00,386
Put your thumb in the white thing.
598
00:31:00,410 --> 00:31:02,226
I got that. In there? OK.
599
00:31:02,266 --> 00:31:03,866
That's not how that works.
600
00:31:12,866 --> 00:31:17,186
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
601
00:31:17,226 --> 00:31:20,906
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
602
00:31:20,946 --> 00:31:24,186
Unlike the other candidates,
he has no party affiliation.
603
00:31:24,226 --> 00:31:26,026
He doesn't even have a surname.
604
00:31:26,066 --> 00:31:30,466
He is Waldo, a few weeks ago just
a cult character in a comedy show.
605
00:31:30,506 --> 00:31:34,106
Today, an official
mascot for protest voters.
606
00:31:34,146 --> 00:31:35,426
Vote Waldo.
607
00:31:35,466 --> 00:31:38,626
Cartoons don't play by the rules
and Waldo's open disdain
608
00:31:38,666 --> 00:31:41,426
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
609
00:31:44,066 --> 00:31:46,746
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
610
00:31:46,786 --> 00:31:50,026
ultimately neutralizing seriously
effective dissent?
611
00:31:51,226 --> 00:31:53,106
Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane,
please?
612
00:31:53,146 --> 00:31:56,546
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
613
00:31:56,586 --> 00:31:58,546
Dangerous? You think
the public can't be trusted?
614
00:31:58,586 --> 00:31:59,626
No.
615
00:31:59,666 --> 00:32:01,386
Isn't that basically you
calling them twats?
616
00:32:01,410 --> 00:32:02,106
No, I...
617
00:32:02,146 --> 00:32:03,186
Bell-ends then?
618
00:32:03,226 --> 00:32:04,746
Did you come for a discussion
or...
619
00:32:04,786 --> 00:32:07,986
You're snooty for a glorified
Punch And Judy man, Phil.
620
00:32:08,026 --> 00:32:10,866
You know you're gonna get your best
ratings in months cos I'm here.
621
00:32:10,906 --> 00:32:13,626
To even get close to the figures
I'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
622
00:32:13,666 --> 00:32:16,466
you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich
live on air.
623
00:32:16,506 --> 00:32:18,106
Make a nice prawn cocktail.
624
00:32:18,146 --> 00:32:20,266
Could we make a serious
political point that is...
625
00:32:20,306 --> 00:32:22,186
I've got one big blue point
to make, fool.
626
00:32:22,226 --> 00:32:22,986
Would you like to have a look at it?
627
00:32:23,042 --> 00:32:24,042
Oh, God. Thank you.
628
00:32:24,066 --> 00:32:26,826
Great work tonight. Look at... Look
at this, look at this.
629
00:32:26,866 --> 00:32:29,986
It's The Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
630
00:32:30,026 --> 00:32:31,826
so that when you're at a polling
station,
631
00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:33,506
it unlocks loads of free shit, look.
632
00:32:33,586 --> 00:32:34,826
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
633
00:32:34,866 --> 00:32:37,386
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
634
00:32:37,426 --> 00:32:38,546
It's good, isn't it?
635
00:32:38,586 --> 00:32:39,986
Who's this guy we're meeting?
636
00:32:40,026 --> 00:32:44,066
I dunno. But he's from Washington
and he's got my restricted number.
637
00:32:47,306 --> 00:32:49,986
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
638
00:32:50,146 --> 00:32:50,626
Hey. Hey.
639
00:32:50,666 --> 00:32:51,906
And I'll leap right in.
640
00:32:51,946 --> 00:32:54,506
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
641
00:32:54,546 --> 00:32:55,826
From "the agency"?
642
00:32:55,866 --> 00:32:59,466
Yeah, listen. Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
643
00:32:59,506 --> 00:33:00,986
Waldo The Bear.
644
00:33:01,026 --> 00:33:04,026
The bear, people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
645
00:33:04,066 --> 00:33:04,466
An assist?
646
00:33:04,506 --> 00:33:05,546
It helps.
647
00:33:05,586 --> 00:33:07,746
Right. You look at human
politicians,
648
00:33:07,786 --> 00:33:10,626
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
649
00:33:10,666 --> 00:33:11,826
Like the girls in porn.
650
00:33:11,866 --> 00:33:14,306
You know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
651
00:33:14,346 --> 00:33:16,026
It's usually daddy issues, eh?
652
00:33:16,066 --> 00:33:18,306
Just like politics.
Waldo bypasses that.
653
00:33:18,346 --> 00:33:20,826
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
654
00:33:20,866 --> 00:33:22,266
I'm a person.
655
00:33:22,306 --> 00:33:24,186
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
656
00:33:24,226 --> 00:33:27,826
He's a team, and you're open
about that, which is fantastic.
657
00:33:27,866 --> 00:33:29,786
The honesty thing works.
658
00:33:29,826 --> 00:33:34,026
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept but embrace.
659
00:33:34,066 --> 00:33:35,986
At the moment he's anti-politics,
660
00:33:36,026 --> 00:33:39,026
which is a political stance itself,
right?
661
00:33:39,066 --> 00:33:42,146
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
662
00:33:42,186 --> 00:33:44,826
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
663
00:33:44,866 --> 00:33:48,746
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
664
00:33:48,786 --> 00:33:50,746
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
665
00:33:50,786 --> 00:33:53,906
and spit a Twitter-ready
zinger into the next sentence.
666
00:33:53,946 --> 00:33:56,266
He's the perfect assassin.
667
00:33:56,306 --> 00:33:57,986
We won't win, though.
668
00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:03,666
You guys are so British.
669
00:34:03,706 --> 00:34:07,826
No, of course he won't win. You
started out too coarse off the bat.
670
00:34:07,866 --> 00:34:11,026
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer, and the whole
671
00:34:11,186 --> 00:34:15,466
nihilist "democracy sucks" thing,
yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
672
00:34:15,506 --> 00:34:19,906
but with a targeted, hopeful
message, which we can provide,
673
00:34:19,946 --> 00:34:23,106
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle
674
00:34:23,146 --> 00:34:27,546
via your new platform... You got
a global political-entertainment
675
00:34:27,586 --> 00:34:30,106
product people actually want.
676
00:34:31,666 --> 00:34:33,466
You could roll this out worldwide.
677
00:34:33,506 --> 00:34:35,386
Like Pringles.
678
00:34:35,426 --> 00:34:36,786
Absolutely.
679
00:34:41,666 --> 00:34:45,186
It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.
680
00:34:45,226 --> 00:34:47,026
When you're done with Stentonford,
681
00:34:47,066 --> 00:34:49,626
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
682
00:34:49,666 --> 00:34:51,266
Se puede hablar espanol?
683
00:34:51,306 --> 00:34:53,666
Vivi en Madrid tres anos.
684
00:34:53,706 --> 00:34:55,546
Excelente.
685
00:35:14,506 --> 00:35:15,746
What?
686
00:35:17,066 --> 00:35:18,546
He's not coming.
687
00:35:18,586 --> 00:35:21,186
But he's the party leader!
688
00:35:21,226 --> 00:35:22,306
It's too toxic.
689
00:35:26,106 --> 00:35:28,306
Meanwhile, as support
for Gwendolyn Harris
690
00:35:28,346 --> 00:35:29,546
appears to be dwindling,
691
00:35:29,586 --> 00:35:33,466
Labour denies the party is losing
faith in their young candidate.
692
00:35:33,506 --> 00:35:36,106
But Miss Harris spent most of
the day locked in crisis talks
693
00:35:36,146 --> 00:35:37,386
at party headqu...
694
00:35:41,066 --> 00:35:45,346
In the Stentonford by-election,
Waldo the cartoon bear continues...
695
00:35:46,586 --> 00:35:49,066
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
696
00:35:49,106 --> 00:35:51,146
She looks like she's been poisoned.
697
00:35:51,186 --> 00:35:53,546
Because he's gonna overtake her.
698
00:35:53,586 --> 00:35:54,906
We're still way ahead.
699
00:35:54,946 --> 00:35:58,266
If that thing is the main opposition
then the whole system looks absurd.
700
00:36:00,946 --> 00:36:03,506
Which it may well be.
701
00:36:03,546 --> 00:36:04,946
But it built these roads.
702
00:36:13,066 --> 00:36:14,906
Just come in, Roy.
703
00:36:21,146 --> 00:36:22,906
I'm sorry, OK?
704
00:36:24,426 --> 00:36:26,826
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...
705
00:36:26,866 --> 00:36:29,266
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
706
00:36:30,546 --> 00:36:32,546
After the campaign!
707
00:36:32,586 --> 00:36:34,706
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
708
00:36:35,706 --> 00:36:39,466
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...
709
00:36:39,506 --> 00:36:42,466
Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".
710
00:36:42,506 --> 00:36:45,146
If you were preaching revolution,
well that'd be something,
711
00:36:45,186 --> 00:36:48,226
but you're not because that would
require courage and a mindset.
712
00:36:49,506 --> 00:36:50,866
And what have you got?
713
00:36:52,426 --> 00:36:53,626
Who are you?
714
00:36:55,066 --> 00:36:56,666
What are you for?
715
00:37:03,826 --> 00:37:04,906
Morning.
716
00:37:14,866 --> 00:37:16,666
So, final push.
717
00:37:16,706 --> 00:37:18,346
You remind everyone
that's got the app
718
00:37:18,386 --> 00:37:22,106
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
719
00:37:22,146 --> 00:37:23,226
We're here.
720
00:37:26,146 --> 00:37:28,386
Attention, shoppers.
721
00:37:28,426 --> 00:37:31,826
I'm here to ask you an important
favour. Gather round.
722
00:37:31,866 --> 00:37:33,986
Come over here and listen.
723
00:37:36,506 --> 00:37:39,626
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
724
00:37:39,666 --> 00:37:41,186
Seriously.
725
00:37:41,226 --> 00:37:44,186
Vote for Monroe or Harris
or, I dunno, UKIP,
726
00:37:44,226 --> 00:37:46,026
or even that Lib Dem guy.
727
00:37:46,066 --> 00:37:47,666
He's a prick!
728
00:37:47,706 --> 00:37:51,306
Seriously, only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
729
00:37:51,466 --> 00:37:52,466
What is this? Irony?
730
00:37:52,506 --> 00:37:54,186
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
731
00:37:54,226 --> 00:37:55,946
He's from the Harris campaign.
732
00:37:55,986 --> 00:37:58,186
I mean it, you idiots!
Don't vote for me!
733
00:37:58,226 --> 00:38:00,386
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
734
00:38:00,426 --> 00:38:02,306
Don't vote for me!
735
00:38:02,346 --> 00:38:04,066
Don't vmmmf!
736
00:38:06,426 --> 00:38:07,546
Shut up.
737
00:38:07,586 --> 00:38:09,466
No. Don't boo him,
he's right! He's right!
738
00:38:09,506 --> 00:38:10,666
What are you doing?
739
00:38:10,706 --> 00:38:11,106
Resigning.
740
00:38:11,146 --> 00:38:12,346
Jamie!
741
00:38:13,786 --> 00:38:15,546
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
742
00:38:15,586 --> 00:38:18,746
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
743
00:38:18,786 --> 00:38:21,106
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
he's bad bloody news.
744
00:38:21,146 --> 00:38:21,306
He's funny!
745
00:38:21,346 --> 00:38:22,466
He's not.
746
00:38:22,626 --> 00:38:25,026
Don't listen to that man,
he's a lesbian. Ahh!
747
00:38:25,066 --> 00:38:28,666
So remember, the polls are open,
and if you've got my app, you can
748
00:38:28,706 --> 00:38:32,026
unlock new stuff like catchphrases
and a little hat 'n' that.
749
00:38:32,066 --> 00:38:36,386
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me
so question the status quo!
750
00:38:36,426 --> 00:38:37,666
Kill it! Kill it!
751
00:38:37,706 --> 00:38:39,546
Kick them where it hurts.
752
00:38:39,586 --> 00:38:42,186
The first man to hit him
gets 500 quid!
753
00:38:42,226 --> 00:38:45,666
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.
Knock him down.
754
00:38:45,706 --> 00:38:47,106
Smash it!
755
00:38:47,146 --> 00:38:49,266
Yeah! Yeah!
756
00:38:49,306 --> 00:38:53,626
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...
757
00:39:02,946 --> 00:39:04,306
I, the undersigned,
758
00:39:04,346 --> 00:39:06,426
being the returning
officer for the Stentonford
759
00:39:06,466 --> 00:39:09,946
and Hersham constituency, hereby
give notice that the total number
760
00:39:09,986 --> 00:39:13,426
of votes recorded for each candidate
at the election is as follows.
761
00:39:14,786 --> 00:39:18,386
Finch, Simon Arthur.
Liberal Democrats.
762
00:39:18,426 --> 00:39:20,546
2,449.
763
00:39:23,786 --> 00:39:27,186
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
764
00:39:27,226 --> 00:39:29,466
11,237.
765
00:39:33,066 --> 00:39:37,506
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.
Conservative.
766
00:39:37,546 --> 00:39:39,786
19,161.
767
00:39:46,506 --> 00:39:48,546
Waldo, Independent.
768
00:39:52,106 --> 00:39:54,466
16,784.
769
00:39:58,386 --> 00:40:02,466
Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen,
please! I declare that Liam Monroe
770
00:40:02,506 --> 00:40:05,186
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
771
00:40:07,506 --> 00:40:09,826
Hey, hey! Everyone!
772
00:40:09,866 --> 00:40:12,346
500 quid to anyone
who can lob a shoe!
773
00:40:42,786 --> 00:40:45,026
Up you get, come on.
774
00:40:45,066 --> 00:40:46,346
Come on!
775
00:40:55,226 --> 00:40:56,906
Come on. Out you go.
776
00:41:53,346 --> 00:41:54,746
Oi!
777
00:41:56,066 --> 00:41:57,266
Agh!
57538
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