Original subtitles

[Earl Narrating] Every year, Dodge's school had a day...

where a few of the parents came in and talked about their careers.

They called it Career Day. This year was Darnell's turn, and he was a little nervous.

"When you work at a seafood restaurant, you have to go to the fish market every morning.

"The high-end sushi establishments...

get there at 5:00 a.m. To purchase the best crabs."

"Your all-you-can-eat seafood buffets and such...

arrive around 7:00 and select crabs like this one."

Hmm.

"I roll in around 11:30 and buy crabs like this."

In conclusion, crabs are as different as you and me.

That's why I like my job as the Crabman.

Oh. And I used to work for a clandestine government agency.

I'm the only reason you kids aren't speaking Russian right now.

- What did you think? - I learned a lot.

I didn't know there were crabs that looked like that first one.

- I thought it was too long. - [Earl] Don't be offended, Darnell.

- [Beeping] - Randy's wearing a watch for the first time in his life.

- He's been timing everything. - I got it from some old guy at the Crab Shack...

that wanted to trade me for one of my molars.

I really think I got the better end of the deal.

- The underpart of my tooth was all black, and it smelled awful. - [Door Opens]

Baby, we gotta talk.

We got a little bit of an awkward situation with Dodge.

- We should go. - No, I need to talk to you too.

Dodge was too afraid to tell you, Darnell, but...

he wants his old daddy to go to Career Day.

Why would he want me? I don't know anything about Darnell's job.

Dodge said everybody else is gonna have their real daddies there.

Except for that kid with two mommies, but both those mommies look more like daddies anyway.

You still haven't told Dodge I'm not his real father?

How can I? I tried to give him a solid foundation in life, Earl.

How can I go chopping away at it now...

telling him it's all been nothing but a web of lies?

- We could try honesty. - Honesty's what got your sister Pam killed.

That's true.

Come on, Earl.

You gotta do this, period.

- You owe Dodge. - [Earl Narrating]Joy was right.

Number 174 on my list was "Ruined Dodge's Career Day."

Back when I was still married toJoy, I was one of the parents...

who went to speak about my career.

I am a world-famous, highly paid doctor.

I make close to $27,000 a year.

This over here is an X-ray machine.

And this is an X-ray of my patient's tummy.

Randy, I see the car and the yo-yo, but where's the little LEGO construction guy?

- I had a joke I was gonna tell. - Sorry, Earl. I think he's still stuck right here.

Listen. [Wheezing]

[Whistling Noise]

[Woman On Walkie-talkie] All units, hospital burglary reported.

Suspects are two white males. May be traveling with a stolen X-ray machine.

I think they're onto us, Earl.

Stop!

Come back!

- Aaah! Let me in! Let me in! - Come here!

[Groaning]

[Giggling]

Hi. I'm Billy's dad...

and as you probably guessed, I'm a cop.

[Earl] Ow.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] I never really enjoyed pretending to be Dodge's dad...

but it was a lot easier than telling a little kid...

that his real father was a random loser from a RonnieJames Dio concert.

"Made fun of people with accents."

"Snatched a kid's Halloween candy...

when he came to my trailer to trick-or-treat."

[English Accent] Excuse me, Mr. Hickey, but I believe that was me.

Uh, the accent or the candy?

Tell you what. Come see me after class.

Any questions?

Dodge's mom is married to a black man. I've seen him.

Where you going with this, sweetie?

Why don't you have Dodge every weekend like all the other divorced dads?

Because last weekend, Dodge came to my birthday party, and the black guy dropped him off.

Why don't I live with you on weekends?

- Don't you like me? - Yeah! L-l-I like you. Of course.

Uh, l-I just don't want to get in Darnell's way...

'cause he-he's your stepdad, and he really, really likes you.

P- Plus, you already live with him.

So, maybe you should start, uh, shifting your love in that direction.

Burn.

Joy, this isn't fair to Dodge.

He was embarrassed. I was embarrassed.

You should be embarrassed. Where'd you buy that sweater- "Jcrew"?

I'm serious, Joy. You should've seen the looks we were gettin' from those two mommy-daddies.

And the British kid said my parenting was bollocks.

You have to tell Dodge the truth.

You think he'll feel better when he finds out his daddy's...

some random drunk at a Molly Hatchet concert?

You mean RonnieJames Dio. You've always said it was a RonnieJames Dio concert.

Molly Hatchet, RonnieJames Dio.

All I remember is we were in the men's room, it was crowded...

and it was hard to get my leather pants off in that itty-bitty stall.

Hold on. You said it happened under the concession stand...

while you were kneeling on a box of cups and he continued selling nachos.

- I didn't say that. - Yes, you did. Remember...

I asked you if a parent-teacher conference was an appropriate place to tell this story?

Joy, you're lying.

Did it even happen at a concert?

Do you know who Dodge's real father is?

Fine.

It's Little Chubby, okay?

Little Chubby is Dodge's dad.

[Earl Narrating] If we looked surprised, it was because we were.

The Chubbys were the most powerful family in Camden.

Little Chubby's father, Big Chubby, owned nearly every business in town...

from the dry cleaners-

You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals...

so why should you treat your clothes any differently?

To the restaurants.

The taste of slow cooking with the sloppiest sauce around.

And when Chubby Senior died, his empire went to his son.

Introducing the Chubby S.A.T. Prep.

Help your child achieve his dreams.

And dads, while your kids study the S.A.T.'s...

why don't you come down and, uh, study a little "T" and "A"?

[Little Chubby Chuckles]

Chubby tutorials is to S.A.T. Prep-

As Club Chubby is to erections. [Chuckles]

Little Chubby is Dodge's dad? Oh, my God.

That explains why Dodge's mustache is starting to grow in already.

Joy, Little Chubby owns half this town.

The Chubbys were the first family to have two cars. This is a gold mine.

Dodge is the heir to the Chubby empire.

It's a fool's gold mine, Earl, so you better keep your mouth shut.

Wh-Wh-Why didn't you tell Little Chubby about this?

I went to tell him right when I found out I was with child...

but I saw something there that scared me into praying and doing the sign of the cross...

even though I'm not Catholic.

- ## [Chorus Vocalizes] - Amen.

[Earl Narrating]Joy said she made a list of things she was gonna buy on QVC...

then went to notify the man who was gonna pay the bills.

Is Little Chubby here?

- He should be back any minute. - Cool. I'll wait.

Get me a bottle of champagne.

I'm not gonna drink it. I just wanna shake it up and pour it all over myself.

One of my ovaries laid a golden egg.

[Clears Throat] Is somebody here pregnant with my baby?

- Well, l- - You're damn right someone here is pregnant with your baby.

And I expect you to do something about it.

Yeah, well, I will do something about it.

In this hand, I have a one-way bus ticket, and in this hand, I have a gun.

[Clears Throat] Tell you what. Pick a hand.

Better hurry up. Might have a bus to catch. [Chuckles]

I decided right then and there that I was gonna raise Dodge 100% on my own.

By tricking me into marrying you?

And then never working, never cooking, never cleaning, making me support you?

I spent 10 days in jail for stealing you a Diaper Genie-

which, by the way, there's nothing magic about it.

- It's just crap in a bag. - It's always about you, isn't it?

You need to tell Little Chubby, Joy.

I know he used to be a psycho like his late father...

but after I kicked him in the nuts and disrupted his hormones...

he became a kinder, gentler guy.

Until his reconstructive ball surgery...

after which he became a psycho again.

But when he realized he liked his nice self better, he reracked himself.

I can't believe you don't remember all this.

You love ball stories.

- I'm not taking any chances. - But this could make Dodge's life so much better.

It could make all your lives easier. And Dodge deserves to know.

Well, I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay?

And you need to leave it alone.

- Look, Joy. - Get out.

[Earl Narrating] Even though Joy told me to leave it alone...

Little Chubby was Dodge's father...

and I knew there were ways he could make Dodge's life a lot better.

He could certainly hook him up with a hotter date to the prom.

And maybe it could make Little Chubby's life better too.

- [Buzzes] - [Little Chubby] Hey, Earl, Randy.

H-How'd you know it was us?

Look up.

Oh.

[Clears Throat] Hey, Hickey boys.

Hey. You know, I wouldn't eat those. The, uh, shrimp come from Camden Lake.

If you turn out the lights- I'm not gonna- I'm not gonna lie to you- They glow.

[Ice Cubes Clink]

All these shows are boring.

Oh. Well, they're not real TV shows. [Clears Throat]

They're, uh, security footage. I have cameras all over town.

I'll show you what I mean. Let's take a look at, uh...

what's going on at, uh, Chubby's Pulled Pork.

Wow. That guy is putting his wiener in a hot dog bun.

- His real wiener. - Yeah. That's my cook.

Every once in a while, he tricks somebody into putting mustard and relish on it.

- Do not change the channel. - Why don't you fellas sit down.

[Clears Throat]

This is, uh, quite a room you built for yourself.

Used to be a butcher shop, but, uh, we shared a wall with the club, so, uh, I bought it...

and, uh, tricked it all out like this, and, uh, this is where I spend most of my time.

Please let me out!

[Little Chubby Chuckles] Well, I didn't change everything.

Uh, sometimes a refrigerated meat locker comes in handy.

It's so cold in here!

Yeah, well, maybe next time, you'll think twice...

before deciding to, uh, lean against my car.

- Little Chubby. - What?

Oh. Oh, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, why am I acting like a douche bag again?

Well, there's a simple explanation for that. I'm a- [Clears Throat]

I'm a douche bag again.

[Earl Narrating] Little Chubby told us he'd discovered...

that his business was no place for a nice guy.

I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but, uh- [Clears Throat]

Well, l- I think your best dancing days may be over, ma'am.

Nah.

# Hello, my baby Hello, my honey #

# Hello, my ragtime gal ##

Now, this is where I drop my bloomers...

and let people see all the way to Florida.

Great. [Clears Throat] Well, I guess you can start Monday.

Well, that old prune slipped off the stripper's pole and shattered her pelvis.

I swear to God, I think her vagina fell off.

As you can well imagine, the customers fled in terror.

Anyway, it's no way to run a business, and...

certainly it's not the way the old me would do it.

So you just started acting mean?

No. I tried that, but I was, uh-

I was hormonally incapable.

So, uh- So I got a ball transplant.

- Get out. - Yeah, it's true.

You can get any type you want. I got, uh, bull balls. They're huge. Huge.

You know, it's cool. It's a lot of fun.

Uh, occasionally, a- a cow will lift its tail, and all hell will break loose, but, you know.

What's freezing, guys? Thirty-two degrees, right?

For the love of God!

[Clears Throat] So, what brings you fellas over?

Who? Us? Oh. [Nervous Chuckle]

We just came by to show you my new watch. It's a "Tim-ex."

- Okay, Earl. Time to go now. - Not yet, Randy.

I need to tell you something. And with all that new plumbing down there...

this may even be good news.

In case you were worried you'd never be able to have a kid, well, you do.

First of all, as far as my plumbing goes, it's just fine.

If I wanna have a kid, I'll have a kid.

Might turn out to be a minotaur, but I'll love it none the same.

Secondly, that woman said she was on the pill.

- L-I haven't even told you who it was yet. - Ah, it doesn't matter.

I'll tell you what I'll do. If you leave this alone, I'll leave you alone.

If you don't leave this alone- [Clears Throat]

Th-That's a flask. You-You're showing me a flask.

Oh. [Chuckles] Sorry about that.

[Clears Throat]

Oh, I get it now.

[Door Closes]

Ew. Someone sneezed on there?

- No. - Catalina, you gotta help us.

We're trying to prove Little Chubby is Dodge's father...

and we need something with his D.N.A. On it.

- What's D.N.A.? - That's what makes up your spit...

your blood, your boogers.

No two people's boogers are exactly alike. They're like snowflakes.

I can't help you, Earl. Little Chubby would ruin my life...

- if he found out I was tricking him. - [Camera Whirs]

He has cameras everywhere.

I need to make it look like you're my customer.

I'm gonna stick my hand down your pants, then you hand me a 20.

I don't have any cash on me.

[Earl Narrating] Since Catalina was too afraid of Chubby to help...

me and Randy were gonna have to dig in and help ourselves.

Come on, Earl. Let's get out of here.

We just need to find a cigar butt or some hair.

Anything that might have Little Chubby's D.N.A.

[Randy] All I see are a bunch of little balloons with mayonnaise in 'em.

[Gunshots]

Little Chubby! Run!

[Gunshots Continue]

[Earl Narrating] I was determined to prove that Little Chubby was Dodge's dad...

and even though he was powerful, he wasn't above the law.

Oh, hey, Earl, Randy. You know what the bitch of this is?

I don't know if this is an attack on me as a cop or as a person of size.

Hoyne, we need to report a crime. We just got shot at.

Oh, God. Well, we'll get right on it. Hey, uh, come back to the station with me.

We'll look at some mug shots, have some cocoa.

No. We know who it was. It was Little Chubby.

- But we still want the cocoa. - Aw, geez. I can't help you guys.

Little Chubby bought off the chief of police and the mayor.

In fact, there's an actual city ordinance now that says...

if anybody accuses Little Chubby of a crime...

I gotta trump up charges against them.

- So you're gonna arrest us? - I have to.

W-W-Wait. Can't you-

Can't you just write me a ticket for a-a busted light or somethin'?

Ah, what the hell. We're friends.

[Earl Narrating] Okay. Maybe Little Chubby was above the law-

- ## [Whistles] - but I had science on my side.

If a father and a son have the same D.N. A...

and the father of the son is also the son of a father-

Anyway, the plan was to dig up Chubby Senior.

[Gagging]

You know how Dad has that "I'd Rather Be Fishing" license plate frame?

I've never gotten it until now.

Earl, let's forget this and just go fishin'.

No. I'm not letting him win this time. Now flick on your lighter.

I can't see what good pieces of Chubby are left.

[Earl Narrating] Unfortunately, I had forgotten about Chubby's final ritual.

Let's get out of here.

Everybody took turns pouring Wild Turkey whiskey into his coffin.

Daddy.

I can't get the smell of burnt Chubby out of my nose.

Little Chubby bought the motel. You don't live here anymore.

Ooh! I'm impressed. You bought the motel.

Oh, and l-l-I see you've changed the name to...

"Earl's A Homo Inn."

Well, that doesn't bother me.

[Earl Narrating] I figured all I really needed was a few bucks...

to pay for a place to sleep and a few beers to drink our way to a solution.

[A.T.M. Printer Whirs]

Okay. I get it. You own the whole damn town and everyone in it.

They're all so scared of you, they won't even help me.

You win. You happy?

So, that A.T.M. Machine.

What a jerk, huh?

[Earl Narrating] I was out of moves. Little Chubby won.

Little Chubby didn't win this time.

- You did. - [Earl Narrating] Turns out...

Joy might not have been listening to me, but Darnell was.

But this could make Dodge's life so much better.

It could make all your lives easier.

And Dodge deserves to know.

Well, I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay?

So you just need to leave it alone.

[Door Opens]

[Earl Narrating] Darnell thought Dodge deserved to know too.

And he realized that Little Chubby's money could help them afford luxuries-

There you go. Now they fit again.

[Earl Narrating] Like new shoes.

- Having been in the C.I.A., the circus and the plumbers'union- - Ha.

Darnell was able to accomplish what I couldn't-

Ouch.

- pluck a hair. - [Groans]

Ow. Ah, it's probably nothing.

I had to do the same thing to Castro.

This was a walk in the park compared to that.

Thanks, Crabman.

[Laughs] You see this?

You didn't win. I won.

Me and my friends won. I got your hair, so screw you, Little Chubby!

Screw you!

Bastard pulled a Castro on me.

[Earl Narrating] Crabman distracted Joy while I got a sample of Dodge's D.N.A.

I wasn't thrilled to see him using my move, but I had to stay focused.

- ## [Stereo: Reggae] - # Stir it up #

#Little darlin'##

The toothbrushes looked the same, so I had to grab all four.

I also stole some antibacterial cream.

You got something on your back that you can't see...

and I didn't want to say anything until I had something to put on it.

[Engine Starts]

[Earl Narrating] I took all the D.N.A. Samples to the Camden County Labs...

and when the results came in the mail, Catalina brought 'em to us.

But the results were not what I expected.

- You lied to me again, Joy. - What the hell are you talkin' about?

I went and had Dodge's D.N.A. Tested.

I told you to stay out of this!

How the hell did you get Little Chubby's D.N.A.?

- That's not important. - What is important...

is Little Chubby is not Dodge's father.

- Of course he is. - No, he isn't.

Says right there. It doesn't match.

Well, this test is wrong.

It's impossible. I mean, I remember everything that happened that night.

[Earl Narrating] Joy said it all happened at a Halloween party.

- ## [Speakers: Rock] - ## [Man Vocalizing]

So, uh, Lewinsky- [Clears Throat] you wanna bone?

- I like a little more meat on mine. - [Chuckles]

[Earl Narrating] But, as the night wore on...

- the pickings got slimmer and slimmer. - [Meows]

#Now I need you more than ever#

I was unclear which costumes were for men...

and which costumes were for women.

- [Snarls] - ## [Vocalizing]

[Earl Narrating] Then the pickings got older, balder and nakeder.

Hey, baby.

Let me ask you somethin'.

#But I just can't apologize #

- Is it Halloween? - # Let's spend the night together#

[Earl Narrating] And eventually, Joy went for any bone in a storm.

#Don't let me down #

- Let's do this. - # We could have fun just groovin'around #

- [Man] Happy Halloween! - # Around and around and oh, my, my ##

J-Joy, was that the Halloween party where Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy...

and broke his nose trying to run through the wall?

Yeah.

I wore a skeleton costume to that party.

What?

- No. - Yep.

- No. - Yep.

Earl, did you do me?

If anything, you did me. I was drunk.

L-I don't remember anything after Fat Steve goin' through the wall.

SweetJesus.

I know. I'm Dodge's father.

That explains why Dodge's mustache is startin' to come in already.

- We've got another problem. - What?

These three D.N.A.'s match. That means it's you and the boys.

Which makes this one mine, and it doesn't match any of those.

Wh-What does that mean?

It means I'm not EarlJunior's father.

Now, everybody just calm down.