1 00:00:02,060 --> 00:00:05,030 [Earl Narrating] Every year, Dodge's school had a day... 2 00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:07,690 where a few of the parents came in and talked about their careers. 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:12,600 They called it Career Day. This year was Darnell's turn, and he was a little nervous. 4 00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:16,660 "When you work at a seafood restaurant, you have to go to the fish market every morning. 5 00:00:16,770 --> 00:00:18,670 "The high-end sushi establishments... 6 00:00:18,770 --> 00:00:21,370 get there at 5:00 a.m. To purchase the best crabs." 7 00:00:23,510 --> 00:00:26,380 "Your all-you-can-eat seafood buffets and such... 8 00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,970 arrive around 7:00 and select crabs like this one." 9 00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:31,910 Hmm. 10 00:00:32,020 --> 00:00:35,890 "I roll in around 11:30 and buy crabs like this." 11 00:00:40,890 --> 00:00:43,660 In conclusion, crabs are as different as you and me. 12 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,060 That's why I like my job as the Crabman. 13 00:00:46,170 --> 00:00:48,900 Oh. And I used to work for a clandestine government agency. 14 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,560 I'm the only reason you kids aren't speaking Russian right now. 15 00:00:51,670 --> 00:00:54,640 - What did you think? - I learned a lot. 16 00:00:54,740 --> 00:00:57,680 I didn't know there were crabs that looked like that first one. 17 00:00:57,780 --> 00:01:00,340 - I thought it was too long. - [Earl] Don't be offended, Darnell. 18 00:01:00,450 --> 00:01:03,350 - [Beeping] - Randy's wearing a watch for the first time in his life. 19 00:01:03,450 --> 00:01:06,780 - He's been timing everything. - I got it from some old guy at the Crab Shack... 20 00:01:06,890 --> 00:01:08,880 that wanted to trade me for one of my molars. 21 00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:11,550 I really think I got the better end of the deal. 22 00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:14,750 - The underpart of my tooth was all black, and it smelled awful. - [Door Opens] 23 00:01:16,330 --> 00:01:18,300 Baby, we gotta talk. 24 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:20,700 We got a little bit of an awkward situation with Dodge. 25 00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:24,070 - We should go. - No, I need to talk to you too. 26 00:01:24,170 --> 00:01:26,940 Dodge was too afraid to tell you, Darnell, but... 27 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,370 he wants his old daddy to go to Career Day. 28 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:31,640 Why would he want me? I don't know anything about Darnell's job. 29 00:01:31,750 --> 00:01:34,270 Dodge said everybody else is gonna have their real daddies there. 30 00:01:34,380 --> 00:01:38,040 Except for that kid with two mommies, but both those mommies look more like daddies anyway. 31 00:01:38,150 --> 00:01:41,050 You still haven't told Dodge I'm not his real father? 32 00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,320 How can I? I tried to give him a solid foundation in life, Earl. 33 00:01:44,430 --> 00:01:46,150 How can I go chopping away at it now... 34 00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:48,630 telling him it's all been nothing but a web of lies? 35 00:01:48,730 --> 00:01:52,390 - We could try honesty. - Honesty's what got your sister Pam killed. 36 00:01:52,500 --> 00:01:53,930 That's true. 37 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,260 Come on, Earl. 38 00:01:56,370 --> 00:01:58,360 You gotta do this, period. 39 00:01:58,470 --> 00:02:00,940 - You owe Dodge. - [Earl Narrating]Joy was right. 40 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:04,980 Number 174 on my list was "Ruined Dodge's Career Day." 41 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,170 Back when I was still married toJoy, I was one of the parents... 42 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:10,180 who went to speak about my career. 43 00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:13,080 I am a world-famous, highly paid doctor. 44 00:02:13,190 --> 00:02:17,180 I make close to $27,000 a year. 45 00:02:17,290 --> 00:02:20,090 This over here is an X-ray machine. 46 00:02:20,190 --> 00:02:23,630 And this is an X-ray of my patient's tummy. 47 00:02:25,430 --> 00:02:29,370 Randy, I see the car and the yo-yo, but where's the little LEGO construction guy? 48 00:02:29,470 --> 00:02:33,340 - I had a joke I was gonna tell. - Sorry, Earl. I think he's still stuck right here. 49 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:36,640 Listen. [Wheezing] 50 00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,640 [Whistling Noise] 51 00:02:38,750 --> 00:02:41,440 [Woman On Walkie-talkie] All units, hospital burglary reported. 52 00:02:41,550 --> 00:02:44,810 Suspects are two white males. May be traveling with a stolen X-ray machine. 53 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,820 I think they're onto us, Earl. 54 00:02:48,590 --> 00:02:50,220 Stop! 55 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:52,320 Come back! 56 00:02:52,430 --> 00:02:54,550 - Aaah! Let me in! Let me in! - Come here! 57 00:02:54,660 --> 00:02:57,390 [Groaning] 58 00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:00,620 [Giggling] 59 00:03:05,140 --> 00:03:07,230 Hi. I'm Billy's dad... 60 00:03:07,340 --> 00:03:09,240 and as you probably guessed, I'm a cop. 61 00:03:09,340 --> 00:03:11,240 [Earl] Ow. 62 00:03:11,350 --> 00:03:13,910 My name is Earl. 63 00:03:16,420 --> 00:03:19,350 [Earl Narrating] I never really enjoyed pretending to be Dodge's dad... 64 00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:21,750 but it was a lot easier than telling a little kid... 65 00:03:21,860 --> 00:03:25,690 that his real father was a random loser from a RonnieJames Dio concert. 66 00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,090 "Made fun of people with accents." 67 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,220 "Snatched a kid's Halloween candy... 68 00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,390 when he came to my trailer to trick-or-treat." 69 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:36,230 [English Accent] Excuse me, Mr. Hickey, but I believe that was me. 70 00:03:36,340 --> 00:03:38,860 Uh, the accent or the candy? 71 00:03:38,970 --> 00:03:42,030 Tell you what. Come see me after class. 72 00:03:42,140 --> 00:03:44,040 Any questions? 73 00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,380 Dodge's mom is married to a black man. I've seen him. 74 00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:51,180 Where you going with this, sweetie? 75 00:03:51,290 --> 00:03:54,220 Why don't you have Dodge every weekend like all the other divorced dads? 76 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:59,350 Because last weekend, Dodge came to my birthday party, and the black guy dropped him off. 77 00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:01,550 Why don't I live with you on weekends? 78 00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:05,190 - Don't you like me? - Yeah! L-l-I like you. Of course. 79 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,700 Uh, l-I just don't want to get in Darnell's way... 80 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,240 'cause he-he's your stepdad, and he really, really likes you. 81 00:04:12,340 --> 00:04:14,570 P- Plus, you already live with him. 82 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:18,240 So, maybe you should start, uh, shifting your love in that direction. 83 00:04:19,110 --> 00:04:21,010 Burn. 84 00:04:22,350 --> 00:04:24,320 Joy, this isn't fair to Dodge. 85 00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:26,440 He was embarrassed. I was embarrassed. 86 00:04:26,550 --> 00:04:29,280 You should be embarrassed. Where'd you buy that sweater- "Jcrew"? 87 00:04:29,390 --> 00:04:34,190 I'm serious, Joy. You should've seen the looks we were gettin' from those two mommy-daddies. 88 00:04:34,290 --> 00:04:37,090 And the British kid said my parenting was bollocks. 89 00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,890 You have to tell Dodge the truth. 90 00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,200 You think he'll feel better when he finds out his daddy's... 91 00:04:42,300 --> 00:04:44,270 some random drunk at a Molly Hatchet concert? 92 00:04:44,370 --> 00:04:49,310 You mean RonnieJames Dio. You've always said it was a RonnieJames Dio concert. 93 00:04:49,410 --> 00:04:52,000 Molly Hatchet, RonnieJames Dio. 94 00:04:52,110 --> 00:04:54,770 All I remember is we were in the men's room, it was crowded... 95 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,940 and it was hard to get my leather pants off in that itty-bitty stall. 96 00:04:58,050 --> 00:05:00,540 Hold on. You said it happened under the concession stand... 97 00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:03,780 while you were kneeling on a box of cups and he continued selling nachos. 98 00:05:03,890 --> 00:05:06,050 - I didn't say that. - Yes, you did. Remember... 99 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,420 I asked you if a parent-teacher conference was an appropriate place to tell this story? 100 00:05:09,530 --> 00:05:11,960 Joy, you're lying. 101 00:05:12,070 --> 00:05:13,690 Did it even happen at a concert? 102 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,500 Do you know who Dodge's real father is? 103 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,840 Fine. 104 00:05:18,940 --> 00:05:21,370 It's Little Chubby, okay? 105 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,340 Little Chubby is Dodge's dad. 106 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:26,640 [Earl Narrating] If we looked surprised, it was because we were. 107 00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:29,580 The Chubbys were the most powerful family in Camden. 108 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:33,020 Little Chubby's father, Big Chubby, owned nearly every business in town... 109 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,020 from the dry cleaners- 110 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:37,920 You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals... 111 00:05:38,030 --> 00:05:39,960 so why should you treat your clothes any differently? 112 00:05:40,060 --> 00:05:41,960 To the restaurants. 113 00:05:42,060 --> 00:05:44,550 The taste of slow cooking with the sloppiest sauce around. 114 00:05:44,670 --> 00:05:47,660 And when Chubby Senior died, his empire went to his son. 115 00:05:47,770 --> 00:05:50,000 Introducing the Chubby S.A.T. Prep. 116 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,470 Help your child achieve his dreams. 117 00:05:52,570 --> 00:05:55,270 And dads, while your kids study the S.A.T.'s... 118 00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:58,400 why don't you come down and, uh, study a little "T" and "A"? 119 00:05:58,510 --> 00:06:00,480 [Little Chubby Chuckles] 120 00:06:00,580 --> 00:06:02,840 Chubby tutorials is to S.A.T. Prep- 121 00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:07,320 As Club Chubby is to erections. [Chuckles] 122 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:14,920 Little Chubby is Dodge's dad? Oh, my God. 123 00:06:15,030 --> 00:06:18,490 That explains why Dodge's mustache is starting to grow in already. 124 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:21,000 Joy, Little Chubby owns half this town. 125 00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:24,330 The Chubbys were the first family to have two cars. This is a gold mine. 126 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:26,930 Dodge is the heir to the Chubby empire. 127 00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:30,030 It's a fool's gold mine, Earl, so you better keep your mouth shut. 128 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,440 Wh-Wh-Why didn't you tell Little Chubby about this? 129 00:06:32,550 --> 00:06:35,210 I went to tell him right when I found out I was with child... 130 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:38,770 but I saw something there that scared me into praying and doing the sign of the cross... 131 00:06:38,890 --> 00:06:40,790 even though I'm not Catholic. 132 00:06:40,890 --> 00:06:43,790 - - Amen. 133 00:06:43,890 --> 00:06:47,590 [Earl Narrating]Joy said she made a list of things she was gonna buy on QVC... 134 00:06:47,690 --> 00:06:50,530 then went to notify the man who was gonna pay the bills. 135 00:06:51,570 --> 00:06:52,620 Is Little Chubby here? 136 00:06:52,730 --> 00:06:54,760 - He should be back any minute. - Cool. I'll wait. 137 00:06:54,870 --> 00:06:56,770 Get me a bottle of champagne. 138 00:06:56,870 --> 00:07:01,640 I'm not gonna drink it. I just wanna shake it up and pour it all over myself. 139 00:07:01,740 --> 00:07:04,040 One of my ovaries laid a golden egg. 140 00:07:11,150 --> 00:07:14,280 [Clears Throat] Is somebody here pregnant with my baby? 141 00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:17,080 - Well, l- - You're damn right someone here is pregnant with your baby. 142 00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:19,590 And I expect you to do something about it. 143 00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,320 Yeah, well, I will do something about it. 144 00:07:21,430 --> 00:07:25,330 In this hand, I have a one-way bus ticket, and in this hand, I have a gun. 145 00:07:25,430 --> 00:07:27,800 [Clears Throat] Tell you what. Pick a hand. 146 00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:34,000 Better hurry up. Might have a bus to catch. [Chuckles] 147 00:07:34,110 --> 00:07:37,600 I decided right then and there that I was gonna raise Dodge 100% on my own. 148 00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:40,010 By tricking me into marrying you? 149 00:07:40,110 --> 00:07:44,950 And then never working, never cooking, never cleaning, making me support you? 150 00:07:45,050 --> 00:07:47,850 I spent 10 days in jail for stealing you a Diaper Genie- 151 00:07:47,950 --> 00:07:50,480 which, by the way, there's nothing magic about it. 152 00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:53,860 - It's just crap in a bag. - It's always about you, isn't it? 153 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,890 You need to tell Little Chubby, Joy. 154 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,400 I know he used to be a psycho like his late father... 155 00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:01,560 but after I kicked him in the nuts and disrupted his hormones... 156 00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:04,470 he became a kinder, gentler guy. 157 00:08:04,570 --> 00:08:06,510 Until his reconstructive ball surgery... 158 00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:08,700 after which he became a psycho again. 159 00:08:08,810 --> 00:08:12,940 But when he realized he liked his nice self better, he reracked himself. 160 00:08:13,050 --> 00:08:14,840 I can't believe you don't remember all this. 161 00:08:14,950 --> 00:08:16,640 You love ball stories. 162 00:08:16,750 --> 00:08:21,550 - I'm not taking any chances. - But this could make Dodge's life so much better. 163 00:08:21,660 --> 00:08:24,890 It could make all your lives easier. And Dodge deserves to know. 164 00:08:24,990 --> 00:08:28,050 Well, I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay? 165 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,060 And you need to leave it alone. 166 00:08:30,160 --> 00:08:32,660 - Look, Joy. - Get out. 167 00:08:32,900 --> 00:08:34,960 [Earl Narrating] Even though Joy told me to leave it alone... 168 00:08:35,070 --> 00:08:37,040 Little Chubby was Dodge's father... 169 00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:40,440 and I knew there were ways he could make Dodge's life a lot better. 170 00:08:40,540 --> 00:08:43,340 He could certainly hook him up with a hotter date to the prom. 171 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:45,740 And maybe it could make Little Chubby's life better too. 172 00:08:45,850 --> 00:08:47,870 - [Buzzes] - [Little Chubby] Hey, Earl, Randy. 173 00:08:47,980 --> 00:08:49,740 H-How'd you know it was us? 174 00:08:49,850 --> 00:08:51,510 Look up. 175 00:08:51,620 --> 00:08:53,180 Oh. 176 00:08:54,290 --> 00:08:56,190 [Clears Throat] Hey, Hickey boys. 177 00:08:56,290 --> 00:08:58,920 Hey. You know, I wouldn't eat those. The, uh, shrimp come from Camden Lake. 178 00:08:59,030 --> 00:09:02,260 If you turn out the lights- I'm not gonna- I'm not gonna lie to you- They glow. 179 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:11,040 [Ice Cubes Clink] 180 00:09:12,140 --> 00:09:14,070 All these shows are boring. 181 00:09:14,170 --> 00:09:17,770 Oh. Well, they're not real TV shows. [Clears Throat] 182 00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:21,040 They're, uh, security footage. I have cameras all over town. 183 00:09:21,150 --> 00:09:23,580 I'll show you what I mean. Let's take a look at, uh... 184 00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,580 what's going on at, uh, Chubby's Pulled Pork. 185 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,230 Wow. That guy is putting his wiener in a hot dog bun. 186 00:09:35,330 --> 00:09:37,520 - His real wiener. - Yeah. That's my cook. 187 00:09:37,630 --> 00:09:40,930 Every once in a while, he tricks somebody into putting mustard and relish on it. 188 00:09:41,030 --> 00:09:43,940 - Do not change the channel. - Why don't you fellas sit down. 189 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:45,630 [Clears Throat] 190 00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:48,900 This is, uh, quite a room you built for yourself. 191 00:09:49,010 --> 00:09:53,000 Used to be a butcher shop, but, uh, we shared a wall with the club, so, uh, I bought it... 192 00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:56,950 and, uh, tricked it all out like this, and, uh, this is where I spend most of my time. 193 00:09:57,050 --> 00:09:59,920 Please let me out! 194 00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:02,720 [Little Chubby Chuckles] Well, I didn't change everything. 195 00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:04,880 Uh, sometimes a refrigerated meat locker comes in handy. 196 00:10:04,990 --> 00:10:07,290 It's so cold in here! 197 00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,450 Yeah, well, maybe next time, you'll think twice... 198 00:10:09,560 --> 00:10:12,460 before deciding to, uh, lean against my car. 199 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,560 - Little Chubby. - What? 200 00:10:14,670 --> 00:10:16,600 Oh. Oh, I know what you're thinking. 201 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,100 You're thinking, why am I acting like a douche bag again? 202 00:10:19,210 --> 00:10:22,000 Well, there's a simple explanation for that. I'm a- [Clears Throat] 203 00:10:22,110 --> 00:10:23,740 I'm a douche bag again. 204 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,810 [Earl Narrating] Little Chubby told us he'd discovered... 205 00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:28,900 that his business was no place for a nice guy. 206 00:10:29,020 --> 00:10:31,950 I'm not trying to be disrespectful, but, uh- [Clears Throat] 207 00:10:32,050 --> 00:10:35,320 Well, l- I think your best dancing days may be over, ma'am. 208 00:10:35,420 --> 00:10:37,360 Now. 209 00:10:37,460 --> 00:10:40,360 Hello, my honey 210 00:10:40,460 --> 00:10:43,760 211 00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:45,920 Now, this is where I drop my bloomers... 212 00:10:46,030 --> 00:10:48,500 and let people see all the way to Florida. 213 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,700 Great. [Clears Throat] Well, I guess you can start Monday. 214 00:10:56,510 --> 00:10:59,480 Well, that old prune slipped off the stripper's pole and shattered her pelvis. 215 00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:01,600 I swear to God, I think her vagina fell off. 216 00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:04,450 As you can well imagine, the customers fled in terror. 217 00:11:04,550 --> 00:11:06,450 Anyway, it's no way to run a business, and... 218 00:11:06,550 --> 00:11:08,710 certainly it's not the way the old me would do it. 219 00:11:08,820 --> 00:11:11,380 So you just started acting mean? 220 00:11:11,490 --> 00:11:13,960 No. I tried that, but I was, uh- 221 00:11:14,060 --> 00:11:16,150 I was hormonally incapable. 222 00:11:16,260 --> 00:11:18,390 So, uh- So I got a ball transplant. 223 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:20,690 - Get out. - Yeah, it's true. 224 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:25,460 You can get any type you want. I got, uh, bull balls. They're huge. Huge. 225 00:11:25,570 --> 00:11:27,470 You know, it's cool. It's a lot of fun. 226 00:11:27,570 --> 00:11:32,200 Uh, occasionally, a- a cow will lift its tail, and all hell will break loose, but, you know. 227 00:11:32,310 --> 00:11:34,580 What's freezing, guys? Thirty-two degrees, right? 228 00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:37,520 For the love of God! 229 00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:40,380 [Clears Throat] So, what brings you fellas over? 230 00:11:40,490 --> 00:11:42,920 Who? Us? Oh. [Nervous Chuckle] 231 00:11:43,020 --> 00:11:45,990 We just came by to show you my new watch. It's a "Tim-ex." 232 00:11:46,090 --> 00:11:49,580 - Okay, Earl. Time to go now. - Not yet, Randy. 233 00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:52,600 I need to tell you something. And with all that new plumbing down there... 234 00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,600 this may even be good news. 235 00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:59,330 In case you were worried you'd never be able to have a kid, well, you do. 236 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,370 First of all, as far as my plumbing goes, it's just fine. 237 00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,440 If I wanna have a kid, I'll have a kid. 238 00:12:04,540 --> 00:12:07,540 Might turn out to be a minotaur, but I'll love it none the same. 239 00:12:07,650 --> 00:12:10,880 Secondly, that woman said she was on the pill. 240 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:14,250 - L-I haven't even told you who it was yet. - Ah, it doesn't matter. 241 00:12:14,350 --> 00:12:18,120 I'll tell you what I'll do. If you leave this alone, I'll leave you alone. 242 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,950 If you don't leave this alone- [Clears Throat] 243 00:12:24,660 --> 00:12:27,660 Th-That's a flask. You-You're showing me a flask. 244 00:12:27,770 --> 00:12:30,130 Oh. [Chuckles] Sorry about that. 245 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,140 [Clears Throat] 246 00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:37,740 Oh, I get it now. 247 00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:42,180 [Door Closes] 248 00:12:43,220 --> 00:12:45,120 Ew. Someone sneezed on there? 249 00:12:46,220 --> 00:12:48,210 - No. - Catalina, you gotta help us. 250 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,260 We're trying to prove Little Chubby is Dodge's father... 251 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:51,980 and we need something with his D.N.A. On it. 252 00:12:52,090 --> 00:12:55,290 - What's D.N.A.? - That's what makes up your spit... 253 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,990 your blood, your boogers. 254 00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:00,560 No two people's boogers are exactly alike. They're like snowflakes. 255 00:13:00,670 --> 00:13:02,760 I can't help you, Earl. Little Chubby would ruin my life... 256 00:13:02,870 --> 00:13:04,770 - if he found out I was tricking him. - [Camera Whirs] 257 00:13:04,870 --> 00:13:07,500 He has cameras everywhere. 258 00:13:07,610 --> 00:13:09,580 I need to make it look like you're my customer. 259 00:13:09,680 --> 00:13:12,340 I'm gonna stick my hand down your pants, then you hand me a 20. 260 00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,150 I don't have any cash on me. 261 00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:26,950 [Earl Narrating] Since Catalina was too afraid of Chubby to help... 262 00:13:27,060 --> 00:13:29,490 me and Randy were gonna have to dig in and help ourselves. 263 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,500 Come on, Earl. Let's get out of here. 264 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,790 We just need to find a cigar butt or some hair. 265 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,830 Anything that might have Little Chubby's D.N.A. 266 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,230 [Randy] All I see are a bunch of little balloons with mayonnaise in 'em. 267 00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:41,640 [Gunshots] 268 00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:43,170 Little Chubby! Run! 269 00:13:44,380 --> 00:13:46,710 [Gunshots Continue] 270 00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:55,480 [Earl Narrating] I was determined to prove that Little Chubby was Dodge's dad... 271 00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:58,960 and even though he was powerful, he wasn't above the law. 272 00:13:59,060 --> 00:14:01,890 Oh, hey, Earl, Randy. You know what the bitch of this is? 273 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:05,690 I don't know if this is an attack on me as a cop or as a person of size. 274 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,630 Hoyne, we need to report a crime. We just got shot at. 275 00:14:08,740 --> 00:14:12,500 Oh, God. Well, we'll get right on it. Hey, uh, come back to the station with me. 276 00:14:12,610 --> 00:14:14,660 We'll look at some mug shots, have some cocoa. 277 00:14:14,770 --> 00:14:16,870 No. We know who it was. It was Little Chubby. 278 00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:19,880 - But we still want the cocoa. - Aw, geez. I can't help you guys. 279 00:14:19,980 --> 00:14:22,470 Little Chubby bought off the chief of police and the mayor. 280 00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:24,740 In fact, there's an actual city ordinance now that says... 281 00:14:24,850 --> 00:14:26,820 if anybody accuses Little Chubby of a crime... 282 00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:28,820 I gotta trump up charges against them. 283 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,480 - So you're gonna arrest us? - I have to. 284 00:14:31,590 --> 00:14:33,580 W-W-Wait. Can't you- 285 00:14:33,690 --> 00:14:37,320 Can't you just write me a ticket for a-a busted light or somethin'? 286 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:40,730 Ah, what the hell. We're friends. 287 00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,130 [Earl Narrating] Okay. Maybe Little Chubby was above the law- 288 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,230 - - but I had science on my side. 289 00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:49,570 If a father and a son have the same D.N. A... 290 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:53,200 and the father of the son is also the son of a father- 291 00:14:53,310 --> 00:14:56,280 Anyway, the plan was to dig up Chubby Senior. 292 00:14:56,380 --> 00:14:58,370 [Gagging] 293 00:15:00,050 --> 00:15:03,820 You know how Dad has that "I'd Rather Be Fishing" license plate frame? 294 00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:06,050 I've never gotten it until now. 295 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,150 Earl, let's forget this and just go fishin'. 296 00:15:08,260 --> 00:15:11,130 No. I'm not letting him win this time. Now flick on your lighter. 297 00:15:11,230 --> 00:15:13,600 I can't see what good pieces of Chubby are left. 298 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,540 [Earl Narrating] Unfortunately, I had forgotten about Chubby's final ritual. 299 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:22,540 Let's get out of here. 300 00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:26,200 Everybody took turns pouring Wild Turkey whiskey into his coffin. 301 00:15:32,950 --> 00:15:34,420 Daddy. 302 00:15:36,190 --> 00:15:39,120 I can't get the smell of burnt Chubby out of my nose. 303 00:15:41,860 --> 00:15:45,130 Little Chubby bought the motel. You don't live here anymore. 304 00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,800 Ooh! I'm impressed. You bought the motel. 305 00:15:52,010 --> 00:15:54,910 Oh, and l-l-I see you've changed the name to... 306 00:15:55,010 --> 00:15:56,940 "Earl's A Homo Inn." 307 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,910 Well, that doesn't bother me. 308 00:16:00,010 --> 00:16:02,480 [Earl Narrating] I figured all I really needed was a few bucks... 309 00:16:02,580 --> 00:16:06,210 to pay for a place to sleep and a few beers to drink our way to a solution. 310 00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,790 [A.T.M. Printer Whirs] 311 00:16:12,190 --> 00:16:16,030 Okay. I get it. You own the whole damn town and everyone in it. 312 00:16:16,130 --> 00:16:18,890 They're all so scared of you, they won't even help me. 313 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,090 You win. You happy? 314 00:16:26,910 --> 00:16:29,270 So, that A.T.M. Machine. 315 00:16:29,380 --> 00:16:31,470 What a jerk, huh? 316 00:16:31,580 --> 00:16:34,410 [Earl Narrating] I was out of moves. Little Chubby won. 317 00:16:34,510 --> 00:16:37,380 Little Chubby didn't win this time. 318 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,380 - You did. - [Earl Narrating] Turns out... 319 00:16:39,490 --> 00:16:42,010 Joy might not have been listening to me, but Darnell was. 320 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,560 But this could make Dodge's life so much better. 321 00:16:44,660 --> 00:16:46,560 It could make all your lives easier. 322 00:16:46,660 --> 00:16:48,630 And Dodge deserves to know. 323 00:16:48,730 --> 00:16:51,390 Well, I'm not telling Little Chubby, okay? 324 00:16:51,500 --> 00:16:54,090 So you just need to leave it alone. 325 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,170 [Door Opens] 326 00:16:56,270 --> 00:17:00,230 [Earl Narrating] Darnell thought Dodge deserved to know too. 327 00:17:00,340 --> 00:17:04,500 And he realized that Little Chubby's money could help them afford luxuries- 328 00:17:04,610 --> 00:17:07,080 There you go. Now they fit again. 329 00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:11,520 [Earl Narrating] Like new shoes. 330 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:17,850 - Having been in the C.I.A., the circus and the plumbers'union- - Ha. 331 00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:20,480 Darnell was able to accomplish what I couldn't- 332 00:17:21,660 --> 00:17:22,860 Ouch. 333 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,090 - pluck a hair. - [Groans] 334 00:17:26,370 --> 00:17:29,730 Ow. Ah, it's probably nothing. 335 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,830 I had to do the same thing to Castro. 336 00:17:31,940 --> 00:17:34,370 This was a walk in the park compared to that. 337 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,510 Thanks, Crabman. 338 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,350 [Laughs] You see this? 339 00:17:42,450 --> 00:17:44,920 You didn't win. I won. 340 00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:49,250 Me and my friends won. I got your hair, so screw you, Little Chubby! 341 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,520 Screw you! 342 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,260 Bastard pulled a Castro on me. 343 00:17:56,360 --> 00:18:00,890 [Earl Narrating] Crabman distracted Joy while I got a sample of Dodge's D.N.A. 344 00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:05,330 I wasn't thrilled to see him using my move, but I had to stay focused. 345 00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:07,410 - - 346 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:10,740 347 00:18:12,210 --> 00:18:15,180 The toothbrushes looked the same, so I had to grab all four. 348 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,990 I also stole some antibacterial cream. 349 00:18:21,090 --> 00:18:23,180 You got something on your back that you can't see... 350 00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:27,390 and I didn't want to say anything until I had something to put on it. 351 00:18:27,490 --> 00:18:29,430 [Engine Starts] 352 00:18:29,660 --> 00:18:32,860 [Earl Narrating] I took all the D.N.A. Samples to the Camden County Labs... 353 00:18:32,970 --> 00:18:36,590 and when the results came in the mail, Catalina brought 'em to us. 354 00:18:41,940 --> 00:18:44,070 But the results were not what I expected. 355 00:18:44,180 --> 00:18:47,580 - You lied to me again, Joy. - What the hell are you talkin' about? 356 00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,170 I went and had Dodge's D.N.A. Tested. 357 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,650 I told you to stay out of this! 358 00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:55,950 How the hell did you get Little Chubby's D.N.A.? 359 00:18:56,060 --> 00:18:57,820 - That's not important. - What is important... 360 00:18:57,920 --> 00:19:00,760 is Little Chubby is not Dodge's father. 361 00:19:00,860 --> 00:19:02,590 - Of course he is. - No, he isn't. 362 00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,360 Says right there. It doesn't match. 363 00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:07,590 Well, this test is wrong. 364 00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:11,260 It's impossible. I mean, I remember everything that happened that night. 365 00:19:11,370 --> 00:19:14,400 [Earl Narrating] Joy said it all happened at a Halloween party. 366 00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:16,700 - - 367 00:19:16,810 --> 00:19:18,780 So, uh, Lewinsky- [Clears Throat] you wanna bone? 368 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:23,380 - I like a little more meat on mine. - [Chuckles] 369 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:25,450 [Earl Narrating] But, as the night wore on... 370 00:19:25,550 --> 00:19:28,610 - the pickings got slimmer and slimmer. - [Meows] 371 00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:31,490 372 00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:35,490 I was unclear which costumes were for men... 373 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,000 and which costumes were for women. 374 00:19:39,230 --> 00:19:41,790 - [Snarls] - 375 00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:45,500 [Earl Narrating] Then the pickings got older, balder and nakeder. 376 00:19:45,610 --> 00:19:46,830 Hey, baby. 377 00:19:46,940 --> 00:19:49,270 Let me ask you somethin'. 378 00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:51,900 379 00:19:52,010 --> 00:19:55,380 - Is it Halloween? - 380 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:59,820 [Earl Narrating] And eventually, Joy went for any bone in a storm. 381 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,180 382 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:06,850 - Let's do this. - 383 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,860 - [Man] Happy Halloween! - 384 00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:15,230 J-Joy, was that the Halloween party where Fat Steve dressed up like the Kool-Aid guy... 385 00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,360 and broke his nose trying to run through the wall? 386 00:20:17,470 --> 00:20:18,730 Yeah. 387 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:21,330 I wore a skeleton costume to that party. 388 00:20:23,780 --> 00:20:26,110 What? 389 00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:28,110 - No. - Yep. 390 00:20:28,210 --> 00:20:29,180 - No. - Yep. 391 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:30,940 Earl, did you do me? 392 00:20:31,050 --> 00:20:33,110 If anything, you did me. I was drunk. 393 00:20:33,220 --> 00:20:35,850 L-I don't remember anything after Fat Steve goin' through the wall. 394 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,550 SweetJesus. 395 00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:41,460 I know. I'm Dodge's father. 396 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,620 That explains why Dodge's mustache is startin' to come in already. 397 00:20:45,730 --> 00:20:48,700 - We've got another problem. - What? 398 00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:54,470 These three D.N.A.'s match. That means it's you and the boys. 399 00:20:54,570 --> 00:20:57,540 Which makes this one mine, and it doesn't match any of those. 400 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:59,610 Wh-What does that mean? 401 00:20:59,710 --> 00:21:02,240 It means I'm not EarlJunior's father. 402 00:21:09,660 --> 00:21:13,920 Now, everybody just calm down.