Original subtitles

[ Earl Narrating ] Being in a coma is never fun,

but Randy did his best to cheer me up.

Ooh. "Basic nutrient pack."

Now with cobbler.

[ Earl Narrating ] And I didn't have to worry about doing my list,

'cause my friends were doing it for me, hoping karma would help me get better.

Wasn't always easy, especially for Randy.

So when it was his turn to pick, he decided to do a list item...

[ Doorbell Rings ] at the one place he was sure he knew how to get to.

Hi, Mom. Me and Joy are here to make up for the time Earl ruined Dad's vacation...

so we can cross it off the list and wake Earl up out of his coma.

Earl's in a coma? Carl, Earl's in a coma! I'm getting my purse!

- What happened? - He got hit by a car a month ago.

Come on! He's in a coma! A month ago?

And you didn't think to mention that when you were here for lunch last week?

I got distracted, okay?

- How'd he get hit by a car? - He was running in the street after his intervention.

- Intervention for what? - Don't worry. He was not on drugs.

He was just acting crazy after he got out of prison.

Earl was in prison? I'm gonna have to revise my Christmas letter.

My name is Earl.

Oh, for goodness' sake.

They've got him hooked up to so many machines.

Why is he wearing a "do not resuscitate" bracelet? That was my idea.

Figured if they "suscitated" him once and it didn't work, they shouldn't do it again.

Randy, please don't tell me you're the one making all the decisions about Earl.

Yes, he is.

Last week he demanded they remove Earl's tonsils.

In my defense, I was pretty drunk.

Take me to see Earl's doctor right now.

If he wakes up while I'm gone,

first thing you should do is tell him there's a tube in his wiener so he doesn't freak.

I'll be in the cafeteria.

So-- [ Sighs ]

Randy told me that you got the time you guys ruined my vacation on your list.

That was one messed-up day.

[ Earl Narrating ] Ever since my parents made me on their honeymoon,

my dad had been scared to death to go on another vacation.

But Mom finally convinced him she wasn't fertile anymore.

"American Samoa: Come see why the Japanese wanted it."

Sounds nice.

Well, I thought house-sitting...

would be a wonderful opportunity to show what responsible adults you've become.

Or you can break my heart again. It's up to you.

I'll miss you both, especially if your plane goes down.

I don't know if I'd miss you more, but I'd miss you longer.

You just say whatever you think, don't you?

Come on, Kay. They can't disappoint us if we don't leave.

[ Earl Narrating ] As soon as my parents left,

me and Randy decided to hit the liquor cabinet.

It's gone. It's all gone.

This isn't a liquor cabinet anymore.

It's just a cabinet!

Vacation time! Let's get our drink on. Ticktock, booze o'clock.

Where are the boys? I thought you were pickin' em up...

so they could play at their grandparents' house.

Their other grandparents' house. I don't like 'em spending time in two-story houses.

They'll get all snooty and start thinking about college and vaccines.

[ Earl Narrating ] We decided to go on a beer run,

since there was no way Joy was gonna do me in my parents' bed, sober.

I think Paula makes good points. It's Simon that seems like he's high all the time.

I've never seen it.

But Randy likes that guy Randy the best 'cause he's got Randy's name.

Makes sense. That's why I buy Joy dish-washing liquid.

It's a good conversation piece.

[ Man ] * Earthquakes and lightnin' *

* I see bad times today *

* Don't go 'round tonight * Spare change?

* Well, it's bound to take your life * Uh-uh.

* There's a bad moon on the rise *

** [ Continues ] Guess what I learned.

They call it a six-pack 'cause there's six beers in it.

It has nothing to do with people's tummies.

[ Engine Starts ]

- * Looks like we're in for nasty weather * - Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! That's my bag!

* One eye is taken for an eye *

* Well, don't go 'round tonight *

* 'Cause it's bound to take your life ** Ohh! Come on!

No!

When we got home, we were surprised to find the duffel bag,

but even more surprised by what was in it.

Sweet mother. Look at all that pot!

I was hoping for money. Or socks. I need socks.

If it was money, I could've bought socks. So what do we do with it?

We're not gonna smoke it. Smoking weed kills your brain cells.

Drinking only screws up your liver. You got two of those.

Yeah, I don't understand weed. When you smoke, you get the munchies and you get fat.

When you drink, you throw up and you get skinny. That's just physics.

How the hell did all this weed get in the back of the car? It probably fell from the sky.

Sometimes surprises fall from there.

Remember that giant blue Popsicle without a stick landing on my head?

It was disgusting.

My Aunt Sheila used to get high as a kite when she baby-sat me.

It was fun until she convinced herself she really was a kite.

I'd have to stand outside for hours, holding her by a string.

- Do you think Aunt Sheila would buy a duffel bag full of weed? - No, she's way into crack now.

Then we'll have to go buy Baggies and get rid of it a little at a time.

But this is a one-time thing.

We'll only sell it to bad people. No women, no children.

I think Mom would be really proud of us right now.

Joy, make sure to get flavored vodka. I like it when my throw-up tastes like cherry.

Flavored vodka is for sissies and pregnant women. You'll get what you get.

I don't know. The thing was such a piece of junk, I thought it was abandoned.

Wait a minute.

So with the boozes and the plastic bag and the chips,

that'll be 182.61.

Oh, my. I seem to have brought the wrong purse.

All I have is--

Hello!

Can't trade a clump of pot for groceries anymore.

We need to get a Democrat back in office.

- Get in the back. - You don't know me. You don't tell me what to d--

Scoot over, dum-dum.

[ Earl ] The thing we learned about finding a duffel bag full of marijuana...

is that the original owners usually aren't too worried about carrying unregistered handguns.

[ Earl ] Mom?

D-Dad? What are you doin' here?

Our flight got delayed five hours,

which apparently was enough time for you to turn my house into a drug den.

Well, this trust exercise went horribly wrong.

I can't believe you brought dope in the house.

And you put it on your dead grandmother's coffee table.

That stuff is addictive, and it fosters antisocial behavior.

I'll be in the bedroom. Leave me alone.

Dad, w-where's the weed?

- Your father destroyed it! - What?

You destroyed m-my weed?

- He destroyed my weed? - Oh, God.

I don't wanna die in shorts.

Just t-t-take it easy. W-W-We can pay you back.

I don't need money. This was gonna be my first big delivery.

I was trying to prove I could be middle-management material.

Now I'm gonna have to kill you, which could skyrocket me to upper management,

and I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility.

Okay, okay. [ Laughing ] Relax.

I, uh-- I-I-I didn't really destroy the weed.

I just told my wife I burned it to calm her down.

I actually threw it in a well.

So, i-i-if you just come with me--

Yeah, right. So you can push me down the well or something? I don't think so.

[ Stammering ] H-How about this?

Uh, keep some of us here as insurance, and me and my dad'll go get the weed.

- And me. - And Randy. - And me.

And Joy. And we'll get my mother too.

No. This is how we're gonna work it.

- Okay, you guys go. The women stay here. - Shotgun!

[ Earl Narrating ] While we went to get the weed,

the pot dealer held Mom and Joy hostage.

There's still a well at the park?

I thought the city had it cemented over...

when Randy fell in trying to hug his twin brother at the bottom.

That was awesome. I got my picture in the paper.

Except that stupid fireman's hat blocked my face. I hate that guy.

The pot is not in the well. Your mother was telling the truth.

I destroyed it.

Stay away, Joe. Toxic! Stand back!

[ Coughing ]

I can't believe you destroyed it. What were you thinking?

What was I thinking? You brought drugs into my house.

I am the weekend captain of our neighborhood watch, for cryin' out loud.

The bag ended up in my car. What was I supposed to do, leave it in the driveway?

Kids could've gotten to it. Or birds. You want a bunch of high birds flying around?

You know what? I don't care what you do.

I give up on you. Randy, you I still have hope for.

I thought you always said you loved us both equal.

That's just something parents say.

- [ Carl Grunts ] - People don't hug enough.

Okay. [ Grunts ] Look what you did.

[ Earl Narrating ] There was only one person I knew...

who I thought might be able to help me undo what I did.

- We need something. - You need weed.

- How'd you know? - It's usually what's goin' on...

when a bunch of white people walk up to me and start whispering.

White people are nuts.

- We need enough to fill a duffel bag about yea-big. - And make it fast.

Wait. Aren't you neighborhood watch?

I'm not buyin' for me. I don't smoke drugs.

[ Earl Narrating ] Drugs were a touchy topic with my dad,

especially after he had a bad experience with them at Woodstock.

Hey, off the blanket. Off the blanket! Off-- [ Woman ] Easy, man.

[ Giggling ] Carl. Carl.

I've got a problem with my hair. I'm having trouble understanding it.

What are you talking about? A nice, naked hippie couple gave me some brownies.

Kay, I told you not to take food from hippies.

Why can't we feel our hair, Carl?

I need some scissors. I need to cut off my dead skull carpet.

Damn it, Kay. Sha Na Na is about to go on! Kay!

Sorry about my dad. He's a little on edge.

He might miss his vacation, and some drug dealer's holding my mom hostage.

Say no more. We've all been there. What kind are you looking for?

I don't know a brand name. I burned it all in the trash can.

[ Sniffs ]

Mendocino Greeno.

Reminds me of a trip to Six Flags I'm sure I enjoyed, but have no memory of.

So you can help us?

You'll need to go see a guy named Circus at the Palm Motel, Room 231.

Uh, probably run you about 2,000 crabs. That's dollars.

I'm tryin' to get it to catch on,

but I can tell from your faces you're not going to be early adopters.

[ Earl Narrating ] While we were off trying to buy a duffel bag of weed,

Joy was trying to keep her mouth shut, which, of course, was impossible.

Oh, snap. Snap what?

I know you. You're that boy from school that used to have those panic attacks.

You'd have to lay on the floor and suck your fingers. We used to call you Floor Finger Sucker.

Yeah? Well, I wasn't the only one in high school with a nickname that ended in "sucker."

But unlike you, my nickname just made me more popular, Floor Finger Sucker.

- Say it again. - Floor Finger Sucker.

[ Muffled ] I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

No. No, no, no, no, no.

I take the tape off, you're just gonna call me Floor Finger Sucker again.

[ Coughing ]

Floor Finger Sucker!

[ Earl Narrating ] All the stress was really getting to Dwayne.

So he snuck off to my parents' bathroom to suck on his fingers and something even worse.

[ Man ] * Open up your window Let some air into this room *

* I think I'm almost chokin' from the smell of stale perfume *

* And that cigarette you're smokin' *

* 'Bout scared me half to death *

* Open up the window, sucker Let me catch my breath *

** [ Continues ] My parents had smoke alarms,

but unlucky for my mom, they weren't mounted on her face.

And while Mom was checkin' out, Dad was droppin' in.

[ Gasps ] Is Kay all right?

She's fine. You are my hero. Thank God you came.

'Cause my legs are starting to cramp and my tongue is-- [ Muffled Shouting ]

[ Muffled ] Come on!

Come on! [ Continues Shouting ]

Come on. Let's go. Is he after you?

No. Our flight leaves in two hours.

But we still gotta stop by the bank and cash these savings bonds.

I'm sorry you have to cash in your bonds, Dad.

They're not mine. Your relatives gave them to you for college.

So when Harvard finally comes calling, you're screwed.

Hold on. You always said these were back-up copies of my birth certificate.

That's because I knew you'd steal them.

But they're my money. You've been keepin' it from me. Who's the criminal now?

I've been saving 'em until I thought you were responsible enough to handle them.

Obviously that's failed, because we're using them to buy a duffel bag of marijuana!

Now let's go.

Do I have any savings bonds? You have a couple.

But most of the relatives took 'em back when Mom brought you home from the hospital...

and you still weren't responding to light or sound.

[ Earl Narrating ] After a quick stop at the bank, we went to buy drugs...

in the very motel room me and Randy would eventually call home.

We're here to buy pot. Dad, you're not supposed to just say it.

No, it's okay. Your honesty is refreshing.

Follow me. I'll get Circus.

Dibs.

Oh, look. Our next stop on our tour of lowlifes.

[ Catalina ] Circus! Open up! Randy, you keep following your idiot brother,

you're gonna end up living together in a dump like this.

How could we both live here? There's only one bed. We're two guys.

Dad, give us some credit. We're not gonna end up living in a motel.

Don't talk to me. I've already given up on you.

What do you want? I'm trying to shave the kangaroo.

Two weed-heads and a narc are here to see you.

You lick that shaving cream off, I'm gonna put pepper on your pouch again.

Oh, hey, what's up, people that are not wearing their Speedos?

[ Chuckling ] [ Chuckle ]

Darnell sent us. We need to make a purchase.

Ah, certainly. No, I recognize you two.

You're that guy that runs around with that tight little blonde with the variety-pack kids.

I'm just, like, wondering about this old dude.

Don't call me "dude."

Easy, Lebowski. I just need to do a security check to make sure you're not wearing a wire.

Saint Christopher, holy patron of travelers,

protect me and lead me safely to my destination.

Oh, I think he likes you.

What is Cairo? What is Paris? What is Spain? What is Europe?

[ TV: Buzzer ] [ TV: Host ] The correct response is, "What are pies?"

[ Groans ] I knew that.

Look what Mr. Scissors did.

- What the hell are you doin', lady? - I'm getting rid of my hair.

It's dead. It's all dead.

It just sits there, doing nothing.

It's loitering. [ Giggles ]

I'm so hungry, I could kill a child.

Okay, you're freaking me out, man.

Way to go, Floor Finger Sucker.

She got a contact high from the doob you smoked and now she's trippin'.

[ Gagging ]

What the hell are we supposed to do?

[ Gagging Continues ]

He's clean.

Well, that was long and uncomfortable.

Have a seat, gentlemen.

[ Chattering ] Help yourself to some cashews.

What are you in the neighborhood to purchase?

We'd like a duffel bag's worth of, uh, Mendocino Greeno, please.

Excellent choice. [ Snaps Fingers ]

[ Beeping ]

That's our flight taking off.

Our vacation is officially ruined.

And I learned how to say "thank you" in Samoan for nothing.

Fa'afetai, Earl.

Fa'afetai very much.

I think you guys are gonna like this crop.

It goes great with marshmallows...

or those little crackers that are shaped like fishes.

So, have a try before you buy, huh? Just a little taste.

Well, Mr. Circus, as generous an offer as it is,

we're gonna pass on the taste.

Whoa, pops.

You might not be wearing a wire, but that right there-- that right there was a cop move.

H-H-He's not a cop.

Look, he tucks his shirt into his underwear. What kind of cop would do that?

[ Chuckling ] Drop your shorts, Dad. Show him the tuck.

Clayton.

So you're gonna take a hit of this or Clayton's gun.

And Clayton's not afraid to shoot someone. Isn't that right?

[ Gunshot ] Ow!

[ Scoffs ] Really, Clayton, you could've just said yes.

I was just trying to scare to him.

Hit the bong, dude.

[ Earl Narrating ] Me and my dad weren't close, but I knew a few things about him for sure.

He hated violence, people with unclear sexuality,

exotic animals kept in small spaces...

and most of all, drugs.

And now I'd dragged him right into the middle of it.

Come on, scoutmaster, fire it up.

[ Man ] * I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair *

** [ Continues ] All right, I-- I guess I got no choice.

* Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right *

* Here I am stuck in the middle with you **

Oh! Bravo! [ Laughing ]

I did not see that comin' from the old guy.

Although I do believe you owe me a new Clayton.

I don't owe you a turd on Christmas.

People been telling me what to do all day, and I've been listening,

doin' things I didn't want to do for people I don't wanna do 'em for.

If I gotta break the law to save my wife I'm doin' it on my own terms,

not some freak-show drug dealer's.

[ Grunts ]

Here's your $2,000. I'd like my duffel bag of dope.

[ Earl Narrating ] It certainly wasn't the day my parents expected...

when they woke up that morning.

My dad had stood up to a drug dealer, and my mom, well, she was as high as a kite.

Mom and Dad never talked with us about what happened that day. They just tried to forget it.

Which was a lot easier to do once Mom's hair grew back.

I can see why you'd put all that on your list. You did ruin my trip.

But what you don't know is what happened afterwards.

[ Carl ] Turns out, I couldn't stop thinking about what happened in that motel.

It was the most alive I've ever felt.

Over the next few days, whatever I did, no matter how boring it was,

it seemed more exciting. [ Yells ]

My normal life wasn't so normal anymore.

[ Karate Yells ]

[ Man ] * Super fly * I felt like a new man.

* You're gonna make your fortune by and by *

* But if you lose don't ask no questions why *

** [ Continues ] And when the rush started to wear off,

I went back for more.

I'll take another two grand worth of that Mendocino Greeno.

Camden police! This is a bust!

- * Super fly ** - Up against the wall. Spread 'em.

You know why I like you? 'Cause you never do the thing that I think you're gonna do.

[ Laughs ]

Maybe I never got to American Samoa,

but you gave me something more important--

a chance to prove that when push came to shove, I could protect my family.

When my wife and my sons were in danger,

I wasn't just some middle-age frame store owner.

I was a hero.

[ Chuckles ] It was the best feeling I've ever had.

Fa'afetai, Earl.

Fa'afetai.

Oh, and one more thing.

I never gave up on you, Son,

and I never will.