Original subtitles

This has got to be a dream.

Stuff like this just does not happen in my life.

I mean, look at her.

She is beautiful.

Adam!

And she just said my name.

My God, she's like an animal!

That's disgusting.

It's like the fourth time

that this has happened this month!

Lucy, please get off me.

Oh, come here you dirty whore.

Get out of bed, lazy man!

Will you just tell her I can't come down?

I'm sick. I don't feel well.

You don't look sick.

My hands are all cold and clammy.

You totally stole that trick from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Busted.

Come on, Adam, this is your big day.

Senior Skip Day, it's a rite of passage.

It's like the best thing about being a senior!

Where are they having it?

Um, I don't know.

You could have the Skip Day party here,

just like your sister did.

Mom, I've apologized about that party a million times.

I still can't figure out how my bed ended up in the pool.

Lucky for you, Adam doesn't even want to go.

Honey, why don't you want to go?

'Cause I'll be miserable.

You have party in your genes.

Back in my day, which was not that long ago,

I never missed a party.

I was known as the disco queen. - Uh-huh.

And every guy knew it.

It's not easy when your mom is cooler than you are.

Mm-mm.

You can stop now.

And this reminds me of something.

Holy Lord!

Is this about a girl or something?

Okay. Yes, it is about a girl. And, uh, frankly,

I just don't feel like going to a party

to watch her make out with her boyfriend.

Honey, that's kinda gay.

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

On a completely different note,

doesn't this Lamar Washington go to your school?

Yeah, why?

It says that his brother died over the weekend.

Yeah, that kid had cancer.

The paper says that he died in a skydiving accident.

What was he doing skydiving?

It was one of those make a last wish kind of things.

Oh, that's so fucked up!

Yeah. So look, this kid would do anything to be in your shoes.

You have to seize the day.

Okay.

Seize... the... day.

[pop music]

This is my high school.

This fucking place is filled with your standard group of stock characters

that inhabit every high school in America.

Uh, this right here, this is Scott Taylor.

He's one of those guys that's sort of like

"Oh, I'm Mr. Cool, everybody loves me, I'm so popular"

but really, he's just a bit of a cock.

Give me a break. For guys like me

it doesn't get much better than high school.

I mean, look at me, I'm the man.

I'd better enjoy it, because in 10 years,

I'll probably be working at some shitty HR dept. or something.

Actually, I picture you sweating it at a used car dealership.

Maybe Congress.

Oh, this right here, this is Laura.

She's Whippany Park's prom queen.

Fuck off!

Classic man hater.

But only until I find true love.

Until then, I kinda like being a big bitch.

Yeah. Good luck.

Oh, this is Denise. She's, uh,

always talking about her boobs.

Does this top make my tits look good?

No, that would be your, uh, your tits!

They make your tits look good.

You know Pam Anderson's surgery?

The one she had in '97 with areola adjustment?

I wanna get that one.

Then I'll be beautiful, right?

Poor girl.

Adam! You're sensitive.

Then there's Isha.

Tell them about the slaughter.

She's hot but she's crazy.

The slaughter in the Middle East?

No! The slaughter of animals!

And for what?! To feed the public's blood thirst for red meat.

Isn't that a leather handbag?

This is designer!

Am I the only senior with a fucking conscience?!

Oh, and this is Snippy.

He, uh, he smokes way too much pot.

Yeah. Surely I do imbibe in copious herbage

but I don't drink alcohol, I made straight A's,

and I show the utmost respect for ladies. Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, God. And there's Cara.

[record scratches]

It makes you uncomfortable, doesn't it?

Well, imagine how I feel.

I've been in love with this girl since junior high.

I mean, she's just, she's perfect.

I am not perfect.

If I don't shave my legs every single day,

I start looking like that monkey chick from Planet of the Apes.

She's perfect in every way, shape and form.

Man, did you hear?

The Skip Day party is supposed to be at the principal's house?

I know. That's Ralph, he planned that. He's a genius.

Ralph Lee Che-zang!

Party at Dickwalder's, tell everybody. Party at Dickwalder's.

Hey man, party at Dickwalder's.

Party at Dickwalder's? There's a party at Mr. Dickwalder's.

That's fantastic. A party at Mr. Dickwalder's.

You know what's weird, is that I'm Mr. Dickwalder.

So maybe I should be there.

Adam, you did the right thing.

Oh my God.

Hey, Laura.

I want to fuck you so... uh...

Oh. Oh, hey sweetheart.

Hey!

Hi! Are you ready to get the hell out of here?

Know what I'm picturing right now?

I can probably guess.

You and me on Dickwalder's bed.

Really.

Oh, Mr. Dickwalder. Oh my God, these sheets are so soft.

Scott.

Oh, yeah, this blanket, it is so smooth and...

Maybe you should just bang Dickwalder.

Girl! It reminded me of my wedding night.

I felt like a virgin all over again.

Yes you did. You thought you could

mess with me, didn't you? [gong]

You won't believe what these kids had planned for my house, Minn.

And I never laid a hand on him, it's not my style.

Is that new? It's very flattering.

Oh, I told you he was gonna like my new shirt.

Settle down, people. Settle down.

I know it's all part of Skip Day tradition.

You sign in, then you skip out, a little "fuck you" to the system,

nothing wrong with that. That's what makes America great.

However, for the next 45 minutes...

Um, are you okay?

you belong to Mr. Rigetti.

Sure.

Snippy I Would you care to take attendance for the class today.

Uh...

we're all here, dude.

That's the last time I slip you any of my chronic, huh?

Don't touch me!

Rigetti's been clean and sober for 14 years.

I have a special Senior Skip Day announcement.

I'm here with Ralph Lee Cheng. Ralph...

Tell them what you told me.

Hold on.

Speak, Ralph.

One second.

Speak you son-of-a-bitch, or I'll crack your head like a melon.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I took you too far back. Speak English.

Look, I'm sorry, alright. I'm sorry. Blame me.

I did it, I planned the whole thing.

It's your fault right?

I planned the Skip Day.

You sorry?

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

Okay, okay.

Alright. You did good.

Well, looks like Ralph has peed in his pants.

Don't worry, I'm not mad at you. By the way...

I just spoke to the admissions department at Harvard University,

where Mr. Cheng planned to attend in the fall.

He will not be going now.

How many of the rest of you would like to join him

in the minimum wage club? For instance. ;

Peter O' Leary, still interested in going to Michigan State?

Gary Glenn, I suppose you're still interested in Cal Arts?

Timmy Cisneros, Apex Tech? What the hell is Apex Tech?

What were his boards?

In addition, there's something very important here I want you to know.

I would not have been privy to any of this information

without the aid of a very special student.

Someone I respect a lot. So as you're going through your day,

hitting the books, I want you to think to yourselves,

"Maybe I should be a little more like Adam Harris."

I don't fucking believe you, Harris.

Oh, bro!

Scott, knock it off.

No, this is fucking bullshit.

That Adam Harris here had to ruin our Skip Day. No!

Relax, dude.

Take it easy.

Yeah, that's enough!!

It happened, alright? it sucks. You think Rigetti doesn't know life sucks.

I wanna die right now. I wanna die.

I wanna curl up into a little ball...

and I wanna die.

How's it going?

I'm... I'm alright, how are you doing?

Shitty.

Yeah, I heard about your brother. I'm so sorry.

Yeah, shit sucks.

What's that?

Oh this? This fucking eulogy.

I didn't expect him to die so quick, I was still working on it.

Jesus, that's rough.

Shit, who're you telling?

Now I gotta change all this cancer crap

into this parachute malfunction for the funeral today.

Funeral? Wait, wait wait, where's the, where's the funeral service?

At my Auntie's house where we had that bitchin' party last fall.

You hang in there.

Thanks, man.

Funeral, huh?

Okay, alright look. I know this is bad, okay? But look at me.

I mean, I'm desperate here, okay? My entire class hates me.

I'm backed up against a wall, alright? So don't judge me.

A skydiving accident?

Yes, sir.

You said he had cancer.

Oh, he did sir.

So, if a kid has cancer, what's he doing jumping out of an airplane?

Well, he was living life to the fullest, sir.

And, and I think it's only fitting, that we take a page

from little Jamal Washington's short yet fearless life,

and that we set aside whatever excellent curriculum

our teachers may have prepared for us this afternoon

and instead, suffer through a much crueler but ultimately

far more powerful lesson.

That is, the frailty of human life.

I don't know, Adam, sounds a little far fetched to me.

Mr. Dickwalder, if I may, you need to ask yourself

why would I tip you off to the location of the Skip Day party,

saving your house and your personal belongings

from a vicious thrashing, I might add,

only to create some fantastic mirage?

You know, if this was from any other student but you,

I'd be a little suspicious, but considering it's you Adam, you're different.

Yes, sir.

You spend your time studying and debating.

They spend all their time drinking and having sex.

Yeah.

We're not so different, you and I.

Oh!

You remind me of me when I was your age.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Out from the same cloth, as they say. Huh? Huh?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, uh, yeah!

Thata boy! Don't be afraid of it, son.

I think I'm going to puke.

A school lies in mourning.

A little boy has died.

So, I declare this day Jamal Washington Day.

I am actually impressed with you man.

Yeah, way to save your ass from getting dry docked by the entire senior class.

So what now?

Wait, wait, wait. Everybody, um, hang on one second.

Please, um. Look, I know I really messed things up today

with my big mouth.

You suck.

Uh-huh, but, see the thing is, we could still turn this into the best Skip Day ever.

We'll have the party at my house.

Harris, that is so nice of you.

And I bet you have a whole basement full of alcohol for us to drink?

No?! Look buddy, you're in over your head here.

Party at your house is going to be lame. Let's go.

I can get you booze.

How do you know this guy?

I don't know this guy.

Well, how do you know him?

I don't. I thought he was your friend.

Holy shit, that's a lot of booze for 40 dollars.

We can go now.

That guy's got a gun. That guy's got a gun. Start the car, Sicki!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Drive the car! Drive the car!

Drive! Drive!

Oh, fuck! Jesus.

My fucking window!

Jesus!

That was awesome.

Tough break, cancer boy dying in a freak skydiving accident.

Yeah, I did a little parachute work myself.

I was a paratrooper in the Gulf War, the first one. The big one.

Did you?

Yep. My instructor told me that 1 in 17,000 jumps go bad, and only

a quarter of those are fatal.

Would it surprise you, Dickwalder, if I told you

that only 1 in 3.8 million kids have cancer?

Okay.

And his funeral lands on Skip Day, I mean,

what are the odds? It's gotta be astronomical, like getting the lottery.

Maybe that's what I'll do right now.

Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket.

I can't carry the speakers by myself.

What did you say?

That's 'cause you're a pussy.

What's your deal, man?

I love high school.

You do? You fuckin' nuts?

No, this is the best time of your life.

Really?

You build your future on the foundation that's poured during high school.

Don't squander it, son.

Hello, ma'am.

Hello.

Oh no.

Oh Blanche.

What's she doing here?

She must have escaped from the home again.

Say, Minn, what do you know about this Washington kid's funeral?

So, what you trying to say?

That because I'm black, I gotta know where

every other black person's funeral is at?

Jesus.

That we all know one another?

Here we go.

Every black person is a fucking cousin.

Frankly, yes.

Well, I'll have you know that I'm married to a white man.

Fantastic.

Very touching words, Auntie Sue. Thank you very much.

And now, Jamal's Uncle Sheik would like to sing a song in loving memory.

This goes out to Jamal, yeah.

Wasserman, Weston. Washington.

Alright.

Hello, who this?

Lamar, is that you?

Uh, yeah. Who this?

"Who this?" It's Mr. Dickwalder.

Okay, Mr. Dickwalder. What do you want?

What's going on over there, Lamar?

I'm at my brother's funeral!

Doesn't sound like any funeral I've ever been to.

It sounds more like a party to me.

Who are you talking to?

It's my principal, Mr. Dickwalder.

Give me that.

Tell me what's really going on over there, you little shit.

How 'bout you go fuck yourself!

How 'bout... hello? How 'bout I go fuck myself?

I don't fuck myself, my friend. I don't fuck myself ever.

You fuck yourself. People fuck themselves. Not me!

[cell phone rings]

Motherfucker!

Listen to me. You call this fucking number one more goddamn time,

and I'm gonna back my brand new Escalade over your motherfucking skull!

I don't...

Hmm, where you going? To do some more generalizing about black folks?

Number one, yes. Number two, shut up! Number three,

I think that Adam Harris was duped,

and there really is a Senior Skip Day party going on.

And I'm just the guy to bust it.

Hey, Snippy, we should have the party right here.

I appreciate the thought,

but do you really think my house is appropriately situated

for such a festive gathering?

Let me check.

Dude.

Your house has wheels!

Come on! Should have held onto that kid when I had him.

[blaring rap music]

Turn that crap down!!

Yeah, you better leave!

So what are you thinking?

I'm thinking

that we're gonna make the biggest gravity bong

that this world has ever seen.

With all this shit?

Oh yeah.

That'll get you high.

Okay, fellas, alright, we got alcohol, we got music,

we got the world's biggest gravity fucking bong

that I've ever seen, or I want to see.

But there's just one thing missing here.

Understand?

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Bang them out.

A little "pick 'em and stick 'em." You know what I mean?

Yes, I do.

Hi, uh, is this the Borenstein Modeling Agency?

Yeah, hi.

I was wondering if you had any girls available for a party this afternoon.

No. Okay.

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Yes, thank you. Okay, bye.

So?

They do not do parties.

They told you to fuck off, didn't they?

Yes, they did.

Hey Borenstein?

Where the fuck are my models?

Oh, the ones I called about over a month ago.

For the fucking lingerie shoot.

Look, I'm paying for a crew to sit here and do nothing.

They better be here in 30 minutes

or it will be your arse!

Yeah. 10 Forrest Lane, Fucko!

Gentlemen, I'm gonna go beat off before they get here.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry we're late.

Sorry, we had a hard time finding your street.

We're so ready to go.

So, where do you want us?

Hideous. Absolutely hideous.

Oh what, did we make a little pit stop at the Krispy Kreme on the way?

Oww.

Silence! Let's do this!

Yes, beautiful.

Yes, yes, do that. Now, give me a little giggle.

Just a little, yes, good, good. That is sexy.

Okay, pop it up, pop it up.

Beautiful. That's it.

What is it?

Hold Bessy.

Hey, Adam's party's up and running.

Really?

Look.

Douche bag pulled it off.

Well, let's go.

No. No, it's gonna suck balls.

Scott, I am not going to spend Skip Day in bed with you

while the rest of our grade's partying over at Adam's house.

What's wrong with being in bed with me?

Can you please stop being so pushy?

I just really want to do this, I think we're ready.

Yeah, I know, me too. But, let's do it over at the party, like we said.

Oh. Party. Fuck.

Smoke, smoke, smoke your boat.

Smoke it down the stream.

Smoke it, smoke it, smoke some more,

Smokey, smokey.

Oh, I'm so excited!

Oh, a cutie just showed up.

That's no cutie, that's my sister.

Why would your sister care?

There is some bad family history with Skip Day parties.

Look, we need to hide. Everybody needs to hide,

we need to get rid of the alcohol. And you need to get rid of Blanche.

Looks like she might like a cocktail.

I don't know why we're doing this.

She'd like a few.

Um, I would say probably somewhere around, like, $650,000.

Oh shit, I forgot my keys.

There is no fashion shoot, okay?

He is not a photographer.

And I'm sure one of you must have figured out by now,

he's not French. And this mustache is fake.

Let's save this, save this.

Yeah.

Yeh, I like that.

Look, we're holding my Skip Day party here.

And, the only way we could get people to come

is if we had pictures of really hot girls.

Dude, that sounds so gay when you put it like that.

And now your sister's coming here,

and you want us to hide in the closet.

Yeah. That's pretty much it, yep.

Wow, that's so cute.

I know. I never even had a Skip Day party.

True. Mine did get busted.

Can we stay here for yours?

Get in the closet. Get in, get in, get in, get in.

You gotta get your sister out of here fast,

people are gonna start coming any minute.

Listen. You are a guest in my house.

You do what I say. Get in the closet.

Alright, I can do that.

Hey.

What are you doing home?

What are you doing home?

Mom needs to get her For Sale signs.

Well, I'm skipping school.

Cool. Isn't there supposed to be a big party today?

Yes there is.

You gonna go?

I'll be there.

Yeah, bullshit.

Where you going?

To get the signs out of the closet.

They're not there.

This is fucking awesome.

I moved them this morning.

Okay, where'd you put them?

Upstairs in the guest room.

You did? Why?

'Cause I felt like it.

Everyone get out. Get out.

Give me those signs.

Yeah.

Fuck off!

Need to smoke.

My sister is upstairs right now.

Alright, alright, come on. Go!

Adam, there's no signs up here.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Adam! There's an old lady in the guest room.

She's my friend.

Who's in the closet?

What?

Who's in the closet?

No one is in the closet.

No one is in the closet? Really?

That's right.

Okay.

What's going on?

I'm throwing the Skip Day party at our house.

Look, I know, I know it looks bad.

I know how you and Mom hate Skip Day parties and all that.

But, I screwed up, and I didn't have a choice.

I know it's stupid and it's irresponsible and everything...

Look at me. I am so proud of you.

I mean, you're keeping up the family tradition.

I knew you had that fucking gene in you.

Really?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Fuck, I wish I could stay.

Better not do anything I wouldn't do.

I won't do anything you wouldn't do.

Maybe you'll get lucky.

Bye, baby.

Bye.

What do you want?

What do you think I want?

Adam, is it weird that

there's a motor home across the street?

That's my house, yo.

Yeah, he lives there.

Congratulations.

What?

You're growing some balls.

Witty. Want to go to the bong?

Yes.

Party!

Can you believe this?

There's actually a party in my house right now.

Yeah, but nobody's dancing.

It'll take just one person to start it off.

Who?

Dance party!

Yeah.

Oh my God.

It's a Cara sandwich with a side of Scotty. Scotty.

Dog trainer. [sobs]

Hey, hey, why the long face?

Mr. Dickwalder, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please.

Pull yourself together. There may still be a way out of this for you.

Hey Ralph, where's the party?

Look at me. Do I look like a guy that knows where the party's at?

Look at me! Do I look like a man who's gonna leave without what he wants?

Where's the party? There had to be a backup plan.

No, the plan was originally to have the party at Carl's house.

Carl Smith?

Yeah, but he's got these relatives, they're scary.

Aaaggh.

Who's your friend, Ralph?

This is my principal, Mr. Dickwalder.

Aaghh, Mr. Dickwilder.

Walder.

Wi-Wilder?

Dickwalder.

Dick-Wilder.

Dickwalder!

Dickwalder! Dickwalder!

Yes, my son Ralph, he studied so very hard to get into Harvard.

Can you please find it in your heart to reconsider?

I wish I could help you,

but he should've thought of the consequences

before he decided to throw a kegger at my house.

You can forget about Harvard.

In fact, maybe he can work with you in the kitchen

or whatever it is you do.

I'll be back, one minute.

One minute, take two minutes.

Father's not very friendly, Ralph, huh?!

Wilder. Dickwilder, you sonuvabitch!

What about Harvard?

First I find the party, then we'll talk about your future.

'Til then, I wouldn't throw away those classifieds. Huh?

Watch out for that one, huh?

Dickwilder!

[screams]

It's just Harvard!

My cleaver!

Why are you getting all whiny and shit?

Like you're some big fucking douche geek gay boy.

Oh Cara, I'm so shy around you. If you would only kiss me,

my rich and meaningless life would somehow be saved.

Please, man. You're Adam Harris. Adam Fucking Harris.

You're the John F. Kennedy Elementary School Spelling Bee Champ.

You're the Thomas Edison Memorial Junior High School Science Fair winner.

You won the fucking science fair, man.

Shut up, you're making me sound like a fucking dork.

President of the Debate Club.

Vice President of The Late Society.

Quiet. People are gonna hear you.

The Chess Club. The AV Club. Need I go on?

I am a loser.

You are a risk taker, my friend.

You are a walking, burning cauldron of intelligence and testosterone

all rolled into one beautiful, swaggering package of unmediated, undoubting love.

That's really nice.

I'd fuck you myself.

Seriously, if I was a chick I would fuck the shit out of you.

Hell, I'd even let you do me in the ass.

If I was a guy, I am a guy, if I was myself, I would say no to that.

[panting]

Oh, 70's Bush, 80's Trim, 90's Shaved, oh, Tranny Surprise.

I just locked myself out.

Can I come in for a little while?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, it's so hot in here. I've got to take my clothes off.

Is that all you got?

Uh, yes. This is all I have, yeah.

Well, do you want, like, a dip to go along with it?

These chips are flavored like guacamole, so, no dip needed.

Adam, you can put guacamole-flavored chips in dip.

It actually tastes a lot better.

You sure?

Positive. Let's see what you've got.

That is really good.

It's a start.

That's absolutely amazing, actually. What else can we make?

I've always wanted to throw a crepe party.

Crepes are, like, the perfect party food.

It would be a buffet thing,

and you'd put what you want inside the crepe.

And they're really fucking good.

Well, you know what?

We oughta make some.

Oh, I don't know.

No, you should.

Cara's not gonna cook for you, you know,

just 'cause you didn't buy decent food except these stupid guacachips.

Wow, these suck.

Estu problemo, hombre? Spanish for Be-atch!

It's cool. I love you. Come on.

Thanks anyways.

What do you think?

I could step up to the plate, or take it in the ass.

Step up to the plate, right? Wait! You in the back!

Who said take it in the ass? Fuck you!

Oh, uh, hey! Um. See ya out there.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey Sweetie.

This is amazing, 'cause you two are models,

and like you're so beautiful, and I just have to ask you this.

Yeah?

Your boobs, they're like so big, and perfect,

and I just want to know, did you get them done?

And if you did, then who did them?

You don't need a boob job, girl.

They're beautiful. [coil]

I went to Dr. Murray Scholl Smith.

I used to be a C, he made me a double D.

But, there's no incision.

He goes in under the arm.

Not through the nipple?

Hell no!

So, what's your name anyway?

Sicki. Mark Sicki.

I know a Sicki.

What's going on?

Oh, I took a dump.

N ice party.

Thank you.

Maybe the Sicki I know is like a relative of yours.

Yeah, I doubt that.

The only other Sicki in my family

is my brother Alex. He's in jail.

Bingo! Alex Sicki the tattoo guy. He's in my cell block.

Get the fuck out of here.

Small world. Huh?

Scary people huh? They're gonna be scared of me, I'm scary people.

Make sure that they get...

Aagh!

How do you sell a purple car with a cleaver in the roof, for God's sake?

Who are these bozos?

Leo.

Get over here. Get over here.

What are you, hard of hearing?

Huh?

I said what took you so long.

Come on, brother. Come on.

Hey, have something to eat.

Yeah, try the sausage. They're the best in the city.

He's a little hard of hearing.

He says the sausages are good. Do you want a sausage?

I'm not hard of hearing, and I don't care how... Jesus!

That's Philly.

He won't be snitching anybody out anymore.

You want something to eat? You got a lot of work ahead of ya.

You can't dig a hole on an empty stomach.

Ohh! I don't think I...

Oh! He's not dead.

He is now.

Hey, good work.

My first time.

You'd never know it.

That's so sweet.

Really, great work, great work.

Oh golly. What a day this has been.

Here's your ounce of coke.

We'll give you another ounce when you get back from the desert.

Believe me, this is plenty.

This is good shit, don't snort it all at once.

You want a little food to hit the road with?

No, I think this will be okay.

Uh! These guys never shoot anyone thin.

Oh, come on.

Just great.

I bet this never happens to a private school principal.

Oh, hey Isha!

Hey, what's your deal?

You're fucking hot, but you're crazy as shit.

Crazy but hot!

My bad.

Damn right your bad.

I like to drink beer, not wear it.

I oughta cut your fucking arms off.

Yeah, suck my dick, baby. Yeah, suck it. Suck it hard.

Oh, that's right, baby! Oh, yeah, oh yeah. Fuckin' eh.

Oh my.

Suck that motherfucker. Oh, oh.

How nice.

I have here a poignant artifact of little Jamal's.

His cellular phone, that miraculously survived

the impact of the fall.

Now, if only Jamal's fragile,

cancer-ridden young body

had been as durable.

[cell phone rings]

Hello?

(male voice) Is Jamal there?

No. Jamal has passed on.

Oh man. That's fucked up!

Thank you very much for those kind words.

Dead?! Shit!

Goodbye.

And then they shot the guy. They had guns, Minn!

Who did?

The mafia. You even listening?

Not really.

This is terrific.

The one person supposed to be trustwor... hold on a second...

Let me finish with her before I deal with you.

Hey, I'm sorry. Turns out the dead guy's not de... AAAGH!

Holy shit!

Oh shit.

These things smell.

Oh my God, sir, are you okay?

I think so, yeah.

Mr Dickwalder?

Who wants to know?

Ellen Harris. Class of '96.

You busted my Skip Day party.

Oh yeah. You look good, what have you been up to?

This isn't my regular car. I just use this for school stuff.

Think I give a shit?

You like Mexican food?

Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh yeah? You know what Dickwalder means in German?

Scumbag!

No. Not scumbag. But you're close.

Dude.

[scream]

I'd like to make amends for my behavior earlier.

You see, I have anger issues.

Uh-huh.

And I'm now gonna make you an offering.

Drink.

Go ahead, it'll make me feel better.

I don't, I don't want to.

Drink up.

Drink!

Good. Now I feel better. Have a nice party.

Oh, yes! Yes, oh!

She's very pretty.

Not him, but her.

[click]

O-o-oh, Jesus.

Sorry.

So, Tate. How did you meet Adam?

At a Star Trek convention.

Although he'd probably punch me in the eye for saying that.

So, for the record, I met him at the gym.

I was spotting him.

He must have been benching 500, 000 pounds.

Yeah, right.

He's stronger than he looks.

What do you think?

I, I... that was weak.

Whoa.

Uh, excuse me. Everybody, can

I just get your attention for one quick sec?

Is everybody having a good time?

Yeah!!

You suck!

Okay.

Um, I have an announcement to make.

Somebody in our class is a master chef

and that somebody is gonna cook you all

the greatest meal known to man.

And to woman as well. And that somebody

is none other than Whippany Park's own Cara Manwell.

Give her a hand, Cara! [cheers]

Wait, Cara, wait wait.

I can't believe you put me on the spot like that.

Can I just tell you something quickly?

I see you, and you clearly love cooking, okay?

But you have this weird thing where you don't want to do it.

Or you think you're not good, I, I don't get it.

But I can tell you really do want to do this.

So, let's make some crepes.

This is going to be our chopping station over here.

I'm going to need a big, um, mixing bowl. And a wooden spoon.

Wooden spoon, right? I have two, as a matter of fact.

Yeah, both, that's good.

A whisker?

Whisk. Yeah, it's a whisk.

Oh my God, this is gonna be so awesome.

I think Cara's talking to that Harris guy or something. Oh, hey.

Up, up, up, up. Oh, shit.

Okay, you're going to catch this one.

Aagh! Oh, shit.

Do you want this? Okay. Yeah, no, no problem.

Um, Cara, when do the cooks get to eat?

This one's for you.

What's this?

Holy Shit. Hey, Harry, come check this out, dog.

Man, I cannot believe what a diversified portfolio this is, man.

Is that the flagship episode of Dirty Debutantes?

Yes, it is my brother. Yes it is.

I'm speechless, man.

That one such landmark film was Romancing the Bone.

There's a scene with Steve Drink and steamy Tory Whales

it's just one of the highlights.

Are you referring to where he got her bent over the sink

and smacked her on the ass with a Brillo pad?

Yes, perfection. I love it.

I respectfully disagree. I mean, this much louder scene

never done it for me, like, uh, Sexy Sorority Kittens II.

Where 50 women go down on them boys?

Dude, I can't believe that you put that confusing mangle of pulsating flesh

on the same level as a hot and intimate moment over a toilet.

You know how freaky your girl gotta be to let you hit her over the toilet?

Yeah, but that shit gave me cream dreams.

You're tripping.

There chicken in that crepe?

Isha, it's not that big of a deal.

Oh, it is a big deal.

The genocide of poultry. Bovine mutilation. The fornification of pork.

What the fuck?

Have you ever nestled your cheek

into a chicken's soft feathers?

They're glorious creatures.

Tell me something. Did a chicken ever find a cure to polio?

Has a chicken ever represented you in court? Pro bono?

When's the last time a chicken sang a song so sweet it made you cry?

Tell me. Name one. No?

That's 'cause they're fucking chickens.

You know what I think your problem is?

You're secretly craving it.

You're despicable.

Hmph!

Mmm.

Dude, we're running low on booze.

What about that liquor cabinet your parents have?

I do not want to deal with Sanjai right now.

Who?

I don't even want to get into it, to be honest right now.

What the hell's the mafia doing in Southern California anyway?

May I help you?

Scott Taylor here?

Who are you?

Frank Dickwalder. Whippany Park High principal.

Now, is Scott Taylor here?

Uh, no. He's in school.

Um, no, he's not, 'cause, like, I'm here!

I don't want to interrupt you, whatever it is you're doing.

I'm stretching. I'm a dancer.

Course you are.

Um, do I detect a hint of sarcasm?

No.

Sarcasm would be if you said you were a dancer and I said

"Gee, you don't look it!"

Ooh.

Alright, forget I said that.

I didn't intend to get angry, because I know you people are sensitive.

Wait, wait, wait. What people? What people?

You! Christ, look at you!

You better get off my porch before I'm unable to control myself.

Buddy, you're already unable to control yourself.

Oh, it's show time!

Best Skip Day ever.

You know, you totally ruined Skip Day.

I know. I did.

I can't believe you told Dickwalder about the party.

Yeah, I know. I should not have done that.

But then you saved it. And you made it even better.

Hey.

Hi.

So, it's getting right around cleanup time, I'd say.

So Cara, you know, Harris and I, we'll take it from here,

because as you know, the chef doesn't clean up after her masterpiece.

Thanks Scott. I think we got it.

He's right. You should just hang out, have fun. We'll take care of it.

Really?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks.

Look at the legs on that, huh?

Listen, I was talking about the wine.

You know Harris, you are one sick fuck, you know that?

But I like you.

So, uh, yeah. Did you have fun today? You know.

Yeah, I did. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah? You know, uh, my name's Adam Harris

and I graduated in the top of my class.

Hey, Cara, how 'bout we make some crepes, how does that sound? Yeah!

Yeah, sounds great! Maybe I can get in your panties.

No. Wrong. X.

Don't even think about it. Forget about it, as they say in Italian.

At the end of the day, she's my girl, don't forget about that.

I haven't.

That skirt, right there.

Yeah, there is a nice supple peach under that motherfucker.

Fuck me.

FYI,

she swallows.

Hey Denise.

Look at her, that's what I want to do.

What, give a lap dance to some drooling idiot?

Yeah.

Way to let 'em drop, that's what I'm talking about.

That shit is called game, homie!

Did you know that hemp can be made into bags and clothes?

Even shoes.

Why would I wanna smoke my shoes,

when I can just take my stash and smoke with my lady friends?

Hemp is an alternative to animals.

Yeah.

So, don't wear animals.

But, uh,

cotton is of the plant kingdom.

The Snipster is safe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Where are we?

Hey.

Hi!

You developed a bit of a taste for nerd today.

He's a good guy.

But I'm a good guy.

Are you? Really?

Yeah. Let me show you.

Oh my God, is that all you ever think about?

Sweetheart, it's my favorite thing to think about.

You are hopeless.

Hopelessly in love. With you, no?

No.

Oh, look, sweetheart. I know you're nervous.

Yeah, I am nervous.

Me too. It's okay. You know, but, I love you.

And, just, you know, I want it to be special for the both of us.

I love you. Just you and me, nice and slow.

Just scented candles, it's gonna be awesome.

Hey.

Hey.

Did anyone ever tell you that you're beautiful?

Your passion is very attractive.

Oh my God. I'm so fucking hungry.

Oooh. Oh, I think you're ready to be bad.

Mmm. Oh my God. Oh my God.

That is so good. Give me another bite. Please.

See, the thing is guys, I've got a secret.

What?

The alphabet.

The alphabet?

You know, the alphabet.

A,

B,

you do it right, chicks love the B.

Carl, check this out I'm talking about tongue-fucking bitches

Dude, that's the oldest trick in the book, man.

I was getting my girl to climax by O.

Well, uh, I get Cara by the I.

I?

Yeah.

Never done that before.

'Cause you're not dotting it.

Did you invite Ralph?

Yeah, I think I invited everybody.

That's good. Can you text him again?

'Cause I'm kinda feeling like

he needs to come to this party more than anyone.

That's a good call.

Yeah, I mean, I'm playing. But I'm not.

Okay.

Let's do that.

Kleenex in the bathroom.

What?

Frank, are you okay?

Never better, Minn. Top of the world.

Well, perk up Sunshine. I know who's behind the Skip Day party.

[screeching tires]

Hold on. What? Who? Who's behind it?

Adam Harris.

Adam Harris? You asshole, Minn.

It can't be Adam Harris, he's the only decent one in the whole bunch.

Give me another name.

What the hell is you talking about?

Adam just sent a text message over to Ralph's phone

inviting him to the Skip Day party.

It can't be him, it's a forgery!

Frank, Adam sent a picture of himself

grinding with a bunch of skinny hooches!

Adam?

Frank? Frank, are you there?

Frank? Frank are you there? [disco music]

Hello, old friend.

What the hell?

What's the big deal about having sex with Cara anyway?

You're about to go to UCLA on a football scholarship, man!

You're gonna be knee deep in pussy.

But, I put three good goddamn years into this relationship.

I deserve to get laid at least once.

You get laid all the time.

Everyone knows you're having sexual relations with the prom queen.

Dude, shut up!

Besides, I got a secret that always works.

Tell her you're a virgin, man.

Oh, she'll never believe that.

She will. Tell her you're a virgin.

She'll believe it 'cause she wants to, 'cause she loves you, man.

A virgin.

She loves you!

You're so right.

I know.

You're like a prophet, man.

I watch a lot of videos.

Hey.

Hey.

You were really cute when you were little.

Ah, thank you.

Sorry. You don't want people in here, do you?

No, no, no. It's no big deal.

That one my dad took, actually.

Where is he?

I have no idea where my dad is.

Uh, the North Pole I guess. I don't know.

So, he skipped.

Yes. He did. He left his 7-year old daughter with my mom,

and he sort of headed out of town.

Sometimes I wish my family would skip.

They just don't really get me.

Well, I get you.

Oh shit.

I really like him.

That sounded so gay.

I think I can trust him.

Adam? Um,

are you, are you a virgin?

What? No. No, what?

Shit.

Why would you think that?

Oh my God. She is onto me.

I can't believe I just said that.

You know, 'cause it's okay if you are.

Right, well, yeah. No, it would be okay if I was. But, I'm not.

That's not how things are. I have not been a virgin for years.

Decades. I lost my virginity so long ago.

What happened, I was in Eastern Europe with my family.

I was at a hotel. Um, I had nothing to do that night.

And I went out, and thought, why don't I try and lose my virginity,

you know, let's go for it. So, went out to this whore district, you know,

just 'cause I figured easier, right? So, I go there, and I meet this girl, Gretchen,

she had one leg. And, and I, you know, talked to her and I was, like,

hey, you know, let's do it. So she's, like, alright, well, sure, why not, you know.

And so we did, and it was good. And it was fun and all that.

You know, I was nervous, I was really nervous.

Yeah.

Never done that before, you know, but then I figured,

she's, you know, amputee, virgin, right? Whole thing kind of evened out.

What the fuck am I talking about?

Who is this guy?

Come downstairs. You're not gonna believe this.

Oh my god, No, no, no, no, no.

That's my mom's table. That table's very expensive.

No!

Oh God.

Go Denise. Go Denise.

Go Denise. Go Denise.

I need a dollar bill. I need a dollar bill. Who's got a dollar?

Does anybody have dollar? Okay, okay. Does anybody have a dollar?

I do not have a dollar. Can anybody bust up a ten?

Can anybody bust up a ten?

Hey, uh, you know, I have something I need to tell you.

But I've been hiding it from you,

because I'm really embarrassed about it.

What?

The truth is, I'm I'm a virgin, Cara.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, let's go to the bedroom.

Oh my god. I really did blow it.

Hey man, this isn't over.

Yes it is. It's too late, I blew it.

Are you nervous?

Yeah.

Me too. Happy, but nervous at the same time.

I can't believe you're letting this happen.

Tate, I fucked up, and it's done, it's over.

Stop them, stake your claim. Plant your flag.

Okay, plant your flag. What does that even mean?

That doesn't mean anything.

I don't know what it means. But it sounds good.

It does sound good.

Damn right it sounds good.

That sounds really good.

Damn right it sounds really good.

I gotta plant my flag.

You plant that flag!

I gotta plant my flag.

Go! Go!

I'm glad it's the first time for both of us.

I know. I know.

Alright, I know. I should just, I gotta, but no, can you really expect me to just...

Okay, look, no. This is the moment of truth. I gotta seize the day.

Okay. I think I'm ready.

Me too.

I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this.

Ready?

Yeah.

I can't believe it. It's too late. I'm too late.

Oh yeah. Oh, this is gonna be fucking awesome.

Here we go, Laura, I just gotta get it...

What? Wait.

Cara. Cara.

No, what did you just say?

That is so messed up. She's definitely fucking him.

You just called me Laura!

No!

I'm not making this shit up. She was fucking him.

Have you been fucking Laura?

She was fucking his brains out!

You bastard!

Oh.

Hey! You're hot.

I can't believe how stupid I was.

Oh, fuck, man. Cara!

Fuck off!

Jesus.

You wanna make out?

Okay.

Oh, I can't fucking believe this.

Hey!

Um, this is weird.

Get it dude.

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Cara...

Get away! I don't want to talk to you!

He's all yours, honey.

This is your own fault, you cock tease.

Hey, you can't talk to her like that.

What are you gonna do about it?

I'm sorry bro. But, fuck. I'm been wanting to do that all day, man.

Oh my god.

Mom.

Oh, shit.

Mom, uh, seize the day. Remember, you said seize the day this morning?

You've destroyed the house...

Not again. What have you done?

Mom, I threw a party. I threw a party, and it was awesome.

Wasn't it?

You rule!

Thank you. Whoever said that. That's a long time coming.

Tate, he played all of this music, and it was amazing, and

this old guy, he bought us liquor,

I built a bong in our garage.

Oh great.

Then we called up these models,

and we took pictures of them in their underwear.

And then everybody came over and we just partied.

And, you stuck your finger in a dog's ass.

Yes, that, I, I did do that. That was an accident.

And then there's Cara.

She made these crepes that are just, they were amazing.

And she's amazing, and I got a chance to talk to her.

And I lied, and I said some stupid things,

and I'm sorry.

Oh shit. It's Dickwalder.

Mom, you cannot open that door.

If you do, none of us are going to college. He is insane.

Everybody hide!

Hi, Mrs. Harris.

Is the entire senior class home?

Mr. Dickwalder. What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? I'm working my way through college.

I'm here to bust the Senior Skip Day party.

Well, good luck with that, sir.

You trying to tell me there's not 100 kids on the other side of that door?

I think I would know, alright?

How 'bout Ellen, is she home?

Say I asked, okay?

I've got it. They're at the Washington funeral.

They're at the Washington funeral.

There is no funeral.

Your son made fools out of all of us.

He's been there all day, with the entire senior class.

He's been there all day with the entire senior class.

There's no funeral! They're at a party!

I dropped him off myself.

I dropped him off myself.

They're at, uh,

1762 One Eden Lane.

1762 One Eden Lane.

Gotta go.

Bye.

Dickwalder, you remember me?

People like you don't remember people like me.

You just prance away through other people's lives,

spewing your bullshit about taking the moral high road.

Wait a minute. Huffer?

Your old classmate. You do remember.

You 'member anything else about me?

Like how you ratted out my Skip Day party to the principal?

That's right. Good times. Well, see ya.

You ruined any chance I had of going to technical college!

You see, I had a dream.

Oh God!

I had a dream of being an air conditioning repairman, and you fucked that dream up.

And then they locked me up.

And the long, lonely nights began.

Aagh.

That's when I got a new dream.

Alright, let's hear it.

I'm dreaming of opening a barbecue shack, Lionel's Barbecue Palace.

I came back for you, Dickwalder, 'cause

you're gonna help me make my new dream come true.

See, I'm gonna cut your fucking head off and put it on the menu.

You think too small. Ever been to Burma?

Chase their whiskey with snake venom and the women all do that basket trick.

Now, excuse me! But I've got a phony funeral to attend.

Boy. That guy's really changed.

What the hell have you done?

He's gonna show up at the funeral,

none of us will be there.

Shut up! Ellen, you're the only sober person here.

Do me a favor. Do you know how to drive a house?

Beat the Dick!

Whoa.

Beat the Dick! Beat the Dick!

Here you go, Philly. She's all yours.

Use it in good health.

Cease!

Well, well, well, looks like Mr. Dickwalder wins again.

Got the entire senior class, might as well have graduation here,

except none of you are gonna graduate now!

Drinks, food,

everything I'd want if I lost a son. I have lost a son.

Mr. Dickwalder, sir. I think you've got the wrong idea here.

You broke my heart, kid!

I'll call it even if you put in a good word with your sister.

Come on. Hot.

Who is this asshole?

That's my principal, pop. Mr. Dickwalder.

Motherfucker.

You got a cast of extras too?

The rest of you disgust me as well 'cause you covered up for them.

You like to party, you wanna have a party? I like to have a party!

I know how to party! You wanna have a party?

Yeah!

No? Suit yourself. More for me.

Motherfucker.

Not my style. I like a cold beer, and I bet I know just where it is.

That's a dead kid.

Motherfucker.

Phew.

Dickwalder!

Tell me more about Burma.

Fantastic.

Does anybody else find it ironic that this asshole goes through hell

trying to punish us for skipping school,

and yet he himself ends up skipping off to Burma with an escaped convict?

You know what though?

I'm actually kinda proud of him. I really am.

Sick bastard that he is.

Aren't you sick of listening to him already?

What's your problem, are you still mad at me?

I don't know. Are you still full of shit?

I am always full of shit.

Now, just one more thing. Really quickly.

True love. It is a rare, rare thing.

And when you find it, you need to grab the bull by its horns.

And you need to wrestle it to the ground. And then you need to take...

Just shut up and kiss me.

Okay.

That was really good.

Was it?

You got it all over your mouth.

Know how long I've been waiting to do that?

Three weeks. That's how long...

Three weeks. Four if you count rehearsals.

We kissed in rehearsal.

No we didn't.

Yeah we did.

You have a warped imagination.

You kissed Talan in rehearsals.

You just don't remember. That sucks.

I never kissed you in rehearsals.

Oh my god, that's really sad.

This was our first kiss.

No, it wasn't. That's really sad.

The first one didn't make much of an impression, obviously.

Obviously. That's sad.

Are you upset that we're done with the movie?

Yeah.

What are you gonna do?

Now? I don't know.

Can I finish up what I was gonna say before you interrupted me

and made me kiss you?

You're annoying.

True love is a rare thing, when you find it

you need to grab the bull by the horns,

you need to wrestle it to the ground,

and then you need to take your matador saber and you need to plunge it

into the cavity of its chest. And then you need...

What are you plunging it into?

You take your matador saber. Matador is the guy that fights bulls in Spain.

Or in really strange areas of the US, I suppose.

And he kills the bull with his matador saber.

Plunges it into the feathering cavity of his chest,

and then he kicks it while it's on the ground. Then later on he barbecues it.

Wanna do the head butt?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

This is our version.

Yeah. So, okay.

True love is a rare thing.

When you find it you need to grab the bull by the horns

and you need to wrestle it to the ground. And then...

Just shut up and kiss me.

Okay.

Boom.

Then she falls to the ground, and then I kick her. And I kick her.

And I say, "That's for six years,

junior high and high school, of torture."

Uh, your frappuccino's here, Mr. Lundy.

Harris, that's my girl.

Give me a kiss.

During sexually intimate moments,

do you ever feel like your woman's distracted?

There's a party at Mr. Dickwalder's?

Motherfucker.

One more time.

Motherfucker.

One more time.

Who is that asshole?

That's my principal, Pop. Mr. Dickwalder.

Motherfucker.

Marker.

Set! And action!

What do you know about this Washington kid's funeral?

So, what you trying to say?

That because I'm black, I gotta know where

every other black person's funeral is at?

Oh, Jesus.

That we all know each other?

Here we go.

That every black person is a fucking cousin?

Frankly, yes.

Well, I'll have you know

that I have three cousins,

Shaniqua, Shantandra, and Quanda, and they all white.

Marker.

You broke my heart, kid.

I'll call it even if you put in a good word with your sister.

'Cause she's like, phew, I mean, know what I mean?

Oh my God.

Cut.

I'm so fucked up.

Cut!