Original subtitles

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE SCREAMING AND CHEERING)

(YELLING AND SCREAMING)

Well, you guys know the drill.

I gotta get ready for the game.

I gotta get... (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Damn. BOY: Mr. Jeffries! Mr. Jeffries!

Can I please have your autograph?

Yeah, sure, kid.

Rickey. (SNAPS FINGER)

A stamp!

You're welcome, kid, stay in school. Be like Jamal.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

KENNY: Another monster dunk by Jamal. The kid is on fire tonight.

See, Kenny, looks like that six-game suspension did him some good.

His mind is right.

Come on and get some of this. Right here!

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

What you got, Smurf? Let me show you some of this.

What you got, what you got?

Huh, huh, huh?

What you got, big Smurf? Huh, huh?

Bam! (CROWD CHEERING)

Ooh! (CHEERING)

I came down on you? Did I come down on you?

If you had a little bit more game, maybe you wouldn't be crying!

If you were just a little taller... Whoa.

A little bit tall...

Here we go again.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CROWD BOOING)

What's wrong with you, man?

Is that five? Yup.

KEVIN: Kenny, there's the problem.

That's five fouls on Jamal.

One more, he's done for the day.

And that'll set a team record for disqualifications.

Kern, get in there for Jeffries. JAMAL: Oh, come on, Ref.

I was going for the ball. You know what? You don't even watch the game, Ref.

You're missing a good one.

Jamal. Jamal, you out, man. I got you.

I ain't goin' nowhere, man. Go tap somebody else.

Get out of here. Time out!

Time out. (WHISTLES BLOWS)

Roll with it, baby. Don't be jealous.

Don't be jealous.

Jamal, you're out.

What do you mean, I'm out?

I'm out? I'm out of what, Coach?

What you going to do, fire me?

I'm the head coach. I call the shots.

Okay, well, now, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

You may call the shots, but I'm making all the shots.

Coach, you see that? Look at that scoreboard up there.

That's me, bro. All me!

Well, you may be the coach of this damn team, but I am the team.

There isn't a team in this league that wouldn't kill to have a player like me.

They can have you. Yeah? Well, you can have this.

Coach!

(CROWD BOOING)

Yeah, boo you!

You want something' to boo about?

You want something' to boo about?

Huh, huh? How about this?

(MAN LAUGHING)

Yeah, boo you, too! Boo!

Yeah, yeah. Boo you! Yeah! Boo you! Yeah!

Boo you! Boo you!

Kevin, this is the most disgusting display

of unsportsmanlike conduct I've ever seen.

How about this!

(CROWD GASPING) Bam!

Oh, Lord!

Change that to second most.

Ha! Oh, my God!

Ha!

You like it! You like it don't you, ladies?

How you like me now?

Last night, Beat guard Jamal Jeffries

gave the fans much more than they bargained for

when he decided to get ready for the showers a little early at the Charlotte Coliseum.

(CROWD BOOING) Say hello to my little friend.

How you all like me, now?

I don't know what the big deal is.

I mean, uh, we are all born naked.

I mean, I like being naked. Don't you like being naked?

J.J. he sort of lost it tonight,

but, hey, it happens, you know.

I think we as professional athletes,

you know, you got to be role models for the kids

because they look up to us in the community.

HECKLER: Yo, you suck!

Hey, hey, hey. Well, say it to my face then, chump!

Whatever the league decides to do in this case... (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

...they won't get an argument from us.

The commissioner of basketball will be having a press conference later

to announce what penalties the league will be imposing.

We were able to get the reaction of Jamal's agent.

I spoke with Jamal earlier today

and naturally he's feeling quite remorseful regarding his losing control.

I happen to know, in fact, that at this very moment

he's quietly reflecting

on his inappropriate behavior.

(WHIMPERING)

(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Give it to me, give it to me.

Whoo!

I love this game, baby! Whoo.

Whoo. What's up? What's up in here?

Having a good time, everybody having a good time? MAN: Yeah.

JAMAL: It ain't grooving unless I got sweet booty!

Throw your hands up. Throw your hands up.

Look at that.

Out there with the Three Skank-a-teers.

TINA: Girl, I don't know how you put up with that.

Mmm. Honey, all these tricks is dogs.

But if you have to sleep in a doghouse,

it might as well look like this one. True.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Work it, work it. work it.

Hey, hey, hey. I know you hear the phone.

You silly-talking bitches, come on, get the phone.

No. JAMAL: Go get the phone!

I ain't deaf!

I got to rethink cloning!

Uh!

Yeah.

Phone call.

Yeah, what do you want me to do? I'm busy.

Tell them I'm not here.

Sorry, Aunt Ruby, but Jamal can't come to the phone right now.

Out!

You all heard me. Out!

Boy, what in the world is the matter with you?

Have you lost your mind, have you plumb lost your mind?

Aunt Rub, I was just getting ready to call you.

Don't interrupt me when I'm talkin' to you, boy!

I know, but I'm just trying to tell you...

I said don't interrupt me!

Yes, ma'am.

Now, I'm sitting here last night, watching the game with my girlfriends,

and the next thing I know, I'm looking

at your naked butt cheeks.

I read the TV Guide, Jamal,

and nowhere did it say that I would see

my nephew Jamal's scrawny ass on Channel 18 at 8:00.

I know, Aunt Ruby, but...

RUBY: What do you think, Jamal?

You think you can carry on in your way,

just because you feel like it? Huh?

(CHUCKLES)

Answer me when I'm talking to you, boy!

But you just told me not to interrupt.

I don't care what I said!

(MUSIC PLAYING) Wait a minute. Is that...

Is that music I hear over there?

You having a party?

No, no, no. That stupid girl got the TV up.

Are you... You know what?

I'm not gonna raise my blood pressure

and get upset over this nonsense.

Calm down!

(BREATHES DEEPLY) JAMAL: Yeah, take a deep breath.

Oh, Lord. Last night...

They talking about you on television, J.J.

What, what, what? They talking about me on television?

Is there an echo on this phone?

Yeah, they're talking' about you!

Turn it on! I got to go!

(CELL PHONE BEEPS) Hello?

The league has had enough.

Professional basketball can no longer sit idly by

and watch its players undermine the integrity of this game.

(SCOFFS) As of today, Jamal Jeffries is suspended indefinitely.

(INDISTINCT TALKING ON TV)

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't worry about all that, y'all.

I mean, this is all going to blow over. You know how it is.

That's just the man trying to hold a brother down.

You know how they do it.

Pro basketball needs Jamal Jeffries. (CHUCKLES)

Now this gonna blow over!

Blow over! Trust me.

No. Friday's no good for me.

Uh, you know what, let me...

I'm gonna have to call you back.

My client from Chippendale's just showed up.

Yeah. All right. Bye-bye.

Hey, Jamal!

What's up, baby? What's up? What's up?

What's up? Shoot me straight.

I talked to the Beat about an hour ago,

and they've, uh, dropped your contract.

Yeah, well, too bad for the Beat.

They can drop all they want, baby, but my stuff is guaranteed.

Jamal's contract is guaranteed.

Was guaranteed.

Yeah, there's a little thing in the contract called a morals clause,

and since, well, you don't seem to have any,

the contract becomes null, and his trusty sidekick, void.

So you the sidekick, right? Mmm-hmm.

So then earn your money and get on the horn.

Shop me around to other teams.

Come on, come on, Tonto, let's go.

Yeah, that's pretty much how I spent my entire day.

Talked to every team, every single team.

Nobody wants you. You know why?

You're a head case.

Well, then bump them. Bump them all.

Jamal don't need them.

Hey, send me to Europe. I like foreign women.

And you know, not a bad idea.

Uh, unfortunately though, it turns out

they call it the World Wide Web for a reason.

That's your ass.

Look. Forget that. What about the CBA?

Come on, come on. What about the Globetrotters?

I mean, something!

Globetrotters? That'd be fun.

No. Nobody wants you. Not even the Clippers.

I thought you were my friend, Lorne.

Okay, see, now that's a problem.

I'm not your friend.

I'm your agent.

I was your agent.

That also is null and void.

Wait. What are you saying?

Now you're not gonna be my agent?

Yeah, it's over.

(STAMMERS) I can't be your agent. That's silly.

But I certainly wish you luck. I do.

And, uh, here's hoping you invested your money wisely

because I don't see any fresh cash coming in anytime soon.

Uh-uh!

Don't even need to hear it.

Bling!

Jamal Jeffries has got plenty of cash.

Okay, so don't you worry about me.

Okay? Jamal Jeffries is set, baby. Set!

Broke?

What the hell do you mean, I'm broke?

MANAGER: You got no more money, dog, Chapter 11.

Chapter 11?

What happened to the first 10 chapters?

Listen to me. Are you stupid? No money, man!

Tell me, Mr. Business Manager, what the hell you been doing with all my money?

I mean, you spent it all!

I spent it all? That's right!

I spent it all? That's right! You spent it all.

I did? Baby, you got too many furs...

Well, why didn't you try to stop me?

I tried to do that.

You did? I sure did.

(WORKERS CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Yo, Tina!

Yo, baby, everything gonna be all right.

Sure is.

Hell, you still got a little modeling left in you.

I mean, it'll be chump change compared to what I used to bring in.

But, hey, it will get us by until the commissioner comes to his senses.

Come on, baby, where you at?

TINA: I'm in the bedroom. I'll be out in a minute.

Yeah, well, come on.

Ain't that much makeup in the world!

I mean, you know, I had a rough couple of days.

You ought to be out here rubbing a brother down.

(CROWD CHEERING ON TV)

ANNOUNCER: The Banshees!

Losing all control.

I'm prepared to rumble.

Are you? ANNOUNCER: Get your tickets today.

I'll rumble with you. I'll rumble with you all night long.

Women's basketball, what a joke.

Jamal, I'm leaving.

Okay.

While you out, why don't you pick a brother up something to eat?

I'm...

Baby, what you doing?

That's the good luggage.

Don't make it easy on them. I mean, put this...

What is that? My stuff. I'm leaving you.

Whoa... (STAMMERS) What do you mean, you leaving?

The only reason why I stayed with your lying, cheating ass

is because you were rich and famous.

But now you're neither, so what's the point?

What are you talking about?

What about all the good loving you was getting up in here?

(SCOFFS)

I packed it! The batteries, too.

Goodbye, Jamal.

Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.

Yeah, you try to come back, you'll have to start at the bottom of the list.

TINA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm leaving your broke ass!

Yeah, yeah. Plus, your feet stink!

All right, listen, you want to win this thing, okay, it's real simple.

You go inside and you act like an adult. That's all.

And if you forget what that is,

just look around the room at everybody else.

Hold on. Hold on here. Hold on here.

I am calm, Lorne, I am cool and I am ready to collect my checks.

Damn, I look good!

Mr. Jeffries,

you have clearly embarrassed the league, your team,

and I certainly hope you've embarrassed yourself.

Now, what is it you're here to say to me today?

Um, I'm here to say that, uh...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm here to say that, uh, what I did was wrong.

And I sincerely, uh...

I sincerely, uh...

I am...

I'm sincerely...

He apologizes, sir. He is very apologetic.

This is not your arbitration hearing, Mr. Daniels.

May I remind you it's your client's.

He is the one with the oversized ego

that may be eclipsing his talent at this point.

Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, hold, Colonel Sanders, hold on.

Mmm.

Now excuse me! "Oversized ego eclipsing his talent"?

Well, perhaps you haven't seen my game in a while, pops.

Maybe you need to trim some of the mother (BLEEP) bushes off your (BLEEP) head

and you'd be able see my mother (BLEEP) game. Don't try to give me no shit.

All right! Take that!

Whatcha got, baby?

I'mma show you what I got. I'mma show you what I got right now!

You still ain't saying nothing.

(LAUGHS)

(GASPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Jamal, you holding up the game.

Here.

Esther.

Esther, it's on you.

Come on, you old biddy, play your card!

This bra is killing me!

You is a fine-looking young man.

(GASPS)

(ALL LAUGH)

Damn!

Okay, that's it! I've had enough of the bridge club.

You ain't playing no more?

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I need to go outside for some air.

Why, J.J.?

Well, there's a CNN report that says, uh,

you know, too much inside air... It's deadly.

RUBY: While you going outside,

why don't you make yourself useful and pick up some groceries

for the morning? I ain't going to fetch no groceries.

I don't do that no more, Aunt Ruby.

I'm a professional ballplayer.

Shoot, I'm a star.

You a what?

You heard me, I'm a star.

Okay, okay! Okay! (GRUNTS)

Now hurry back with them groceries, star.

Don't talk back to me in my own house.

Your house? I was the one who bought you the house!

Boy, you better get out of here.

Crazy ass.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Hey, y'all, it's Jamal Jeffries!

(KIDS CLAMORING)

Hey, can I have your autograph?

KID: Can I have your autograph, please? Yeah, sure, kid.

Where's your stupid stamp?

(LAUGHING)

What did you say? You heard me.

Thought you were hot stuff, didn't you?

But look at you now.

Look where your nasty attitude has gotten you.

Girl, I'll take this besides... Whatever!

Why don't you just go ahead and pass me the ball, if you still know how.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that.

(LAUGHING)

What you got, boy? Come on.

Come on, what you got? What you got?

Booyah!

How you like me now?

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

GIRL: Ow. BOY: Oh, do you like that?

Lorne Daniels, please.

Tell him it's Kobe Bryant looking for a new agent.

There you are, Lorne! Jamal.

You can't stop me...

Whoa, whoa! Don't hang up, Lorne. Listen to me, listen to me.

Lorne, I'm calling you to tell you about

a phenomenal basketball player I just met.

Why? Because you were good to me, Lorne,

and I want to be good to you.

Listen to me. This is the greatest basketball player you've ever seen.

And get this, Lorne. It's a girl.

Yes, that's right. A girl.

I mean, she's a little rough around the edges,

'cause she's straight up from the country.

Get me Coach Rivers on the phone, immediately!

Immediately!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(KEYS JINGLING)

Yeah, time to get paid.

It's time to get paid, time to get paid.

Time to get... (GRUNTS) Paid.

Oh, yeah.

Ooh, ooh, get paid. Get paid, man.

Get paid. Get paid. Time to get paid.

Yeah, time to get paid. (GRUNTS)

Jamal, what are you doing?

Um...

I'm, uh, trying on your clothes, Aunt Ruby.

Yeah, I gathered that, but what are you doing?

I know this looks freaky, Aunt Ruby,

but it's not what you think.

Well, it can't get much better than what I think!

(SCOFFS)

Jamal, there's no way I'm helping you do this.

Aunt Ruby, Aunt Ruby, please. Uh-uh!

Boy, get up off your knees in my pants!

(SIGHS) Aunt Ruby!

Jamal, when you were in the sixth grade

who was there for you when you traded your little baby cousin

for a new pair of basketball shoes?

You were there, Aunt Ruby, you were there for me, but I need you.

I was there for you, helped you through it.

Didn't ask no questions, and passed no judgment.

But this...

Boy, don't you give me them puppy-dog eyes.

Aunt Ruby. Uh-uh.

Please, you gotta help me. Jamal, no!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Are you watching? Are you watching?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Good shot. Good shot.

That's what I'm talking about. Way to break them down.

Hey, Lorne, practice is almost over.

I think your blind date just stood you up.

Yeah, looks that way, Jennifer. Coach. Sorry.

Listen, it's, uh... It's all my fault.

I trusted somebody. I could have known better...

I'm here!

(BLOWING) Hold up!

Uh, Latisha.

Guard her.

Yeah, hope your game is as tight as your ass.

I've chased chickens quicker than you.

I hope you can make that ball bounce like them titties of yours.

Just keep your eyes on it.

There you go.

Boom!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Come on, here I go. Here I go.

And boom!

That costs money.

Ball! JAMAL: Ball what?

Ball this!

(EXHALES)

Too easy.

JAMAL: Whoo.

Yeah. Where did you find her?

I heard about her from a friend.

Ball! Ball!

I got it! (GRUNTS)

Damn!

You made me miss!

That's blocking!

What? Oh, please. You've got to be kidding me!

She made me miss it.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Blocking. COACH: All right, ladies.

That's it. Nice job. We'll see you tomorrow.

Uh...

So, why don't you call me in the morning...

And maybe we can work something out.

Yeah. Thanks, Coach.

So, what's your name, anyway, hot shot?

My apologies. I don't even know myself. Let's get some pizza.

You wanna? Juwanna.

"Juwanna"? Yes, Juwanna, man.

Juwanna Mann, Coach Rivers. It's great to meet you.

Nice to meet you, Coach.

MICHELLE: You all right? LATISHA: I'm straight.

MICHELLE: No, you're not.

And you must be Lorne. That's right.

Jamal's told me so much about you. Really?

Yeah, didn't tell me you were so cute, though. (LAUGHS)

Juwanna! (LAUGHS)

How's my favorite girl?

Come on in. Sit down.

Oh, why, thank you, Mr. Daniels.

Please, call me Lorne.

You should definitely be on a first-name basis

with the man who's about to change your life.

Oh, really? Mmm.

Gonna change my life? Absolutely.

I don't know how I did it...

Well, that's not completely true.

This here is a one-year contract for you with the Charlotte Banshees.

Oh, my Lord! Are you kidding me? No.

Oh, my Lord! Mmm-hmm.

Am I dreaming? No, no, you're not dreaming.

Go ahead and pinch yourself. I'll wait.

Oh, I think this is the first time my life I ever been speechless.

That is the beauty of signing a contract,

there's no speech really required.

So, just go ahead and sign there.

Well, don't I need to get a lawyer to take a look at this before I sign it?

(CHUCKLING) Of course not.

These contracts are completely standard at this point.

All the hard work's been done by me. Just go ahead and sign.

(GASPS)

I guess it's better than playing in the parks.

Certainly is. Right here...

Oh! Right here?

...and here and here.

"Juwanna.

"Juwanna.

"Juwanna."

That's a lovely signature.

Congratulations, Juwanna!

You are about to become the newest member,

of the Charlotte Banshees.

(BEEPING)

I am so excited.

I mean, all in one day, I'm starting a whole new life,

and I have my very own big-time agent.

Oh, now, I don't want you to just think of me as your agent.

I'm also your friend.

Aw, that is so sweet, Lorne.

And I don't want you to only think of me as just your client.

Because I am also your ex-client! Bitch! Gotcha, didn't I?

Oh, shit! Give me that! Give me the fax! Give it to me!

No. Give it to me! Give it to me!

Give it to me, now! Ah! Ah!

Mr. Daniels! Mr...

Come on, give me that. Just give me that. Get in there.

BETTY: Mr. Daniels. Mr. Daniels!

Your wife is on line three.

Tell her I'm with a client, will you?

Okie-dokie.

LORNE: Oh, this is great!

JAMAL: Got your ass. Got your ass. Betty, Betty. Betty!

I want you to get Coach Rivers on the line immediately.

As in right now!

Okay, all right, okay.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Uh...

When Coach Rivers gets on the phone,

I want you to tell her the whole truth.

Okay, I will. I'll tell her. I'll say, "Coach Rivers..."

Uh, yeah, uh...

"Coach Rivers, the only way Lorne could make money off me

"was to dress me up like this and trick you into signing me!"

And that's the truth. Okay, how about that's not at all the truth, okay.

I had nothing to do with this!

What do you mean, you had nothing to do with it?

Lorne, come on.

All I did was tell you about a phenomenal basketball player.

And what did you do? You set up the tryout,

you negotiated the contract, you brokered the deal, baby.

You kind of created me. You're Frankenstein!

Oh, God.

No, no, no. This is crazy.

No one is gonna believe you're a woman.

You did.

All right, this is blackmail.

No, it's not. This is black "female."

That's not funny.

Come on, Lorne, what do you expect me to do?

Basketball is the only thing I really know how to do.

And I have to make a living.

So, until you figure out how to get me back with my team,

you can just look for me in the women's locker room, baby.

The woman's locker room checking out booties. (CHUCKLES)

Checking out booties, basketball booties.

Jamal...

I thought we were friends.

Oh, now, see there's the problem.

You're not my friend, Lorne.

Remember?

You're my agent!

JAMAL: Thanks to you, Lorne, I'm gonna be a Charlotte Banshee.

You're better than Jerry Maguire.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Somebody kill me!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Who's ready to play? ALL: Banshees!

Who's ready to win? ALL: Banshees!

Ban... ALL: ...shees!

Ban... ALL: ...shees!

(CHEERING AND SCREAMING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

MAN: Charlotte Banshees! Go.

CHRIS: It's the opening game of the WUBA season.

Hi, and welcome inside the Charlotte Coliseum. Along with Jeanne Zelasko,

I'm Chris Myers.

We have a terrific matchup for you today.

The Charlotte Banshees hosting the two-time defending champion,

Houston Gallop. Boy, Chris, you are right.

With all-stars in the lineup like Michelle Langford and Natalie Kemper,

you have to believe the Banshees

have a great shot at beating the Gallop.

Jamal. (COUGHS)

Jamal. (COUGHS)

(WHISTLING)

Juwanna?

Lorne!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen please rise

for the singing of our national anthem. Come here.

Singing for us today is multi-platinum recording artist, Romeo!

* Oh, say can you see (CROWD CHEERING)

* By the dawn's early light

You can understand how excited I am. My very first game!

Yeah, I saw television cameras out there.

Did you know this game is being televised?

Yes, I sure did, and I'm still trying to figure out

what's my best side. What do you think, here or my ass?

(CHUCKLES)

* At the twilight's last gleaming *

Promise me you'll try to fit in.

I promise you, Lorne, I will try to fit in.

All right. And remember, there's no dunking in this league.

Okay? No dunking.

I won't dunk, all right, I promise. Relax.

It's not like I need to, anyway.

I gotta go. Now, keep your head up.

Yeah, keep your boobs up.

For you.

For my baby.

How sweet.

See you after the game?

No doubt, baby.

That boy drop more shit than a bunny rabbit on Ex-Lax.

PLAYER: But she so blind, she can't see past

his great big old walking stick.

Ain't that right, girl?

ROMEO: Oh, what's up, player? What's up player, player.

Give me some player. What's the deal, baby?

Hey man, I'm just a squirrel in your world. I see you doing your thing.

I see you looking at something.

Uh, man. Hot dogs and hamburgers, man! (CHUCKLES)

SMOKEY: She's all that and a baseball bat,

and a Hot Wheel track. I'm telling you, brown sugar.

Like D'Angelo, "Brown Sugar!" That's what he's talking about, right there.

Oh, ha, ha.

She gonna block me out, huh? ROMEO: Can't believe what she did. You know she with it.

I know she with it.

ROMEO: Let's go find our seats, man SMOKEY: Yeah, baby!

Drop it like it's hot.

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right! Yes!

(GRUNTS)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

LATISHA: That's all right, girl.

We'll get it next time, Natalie.

Hit. Two shots.

Yeah, that's a nice girl there.

LATISHA: She a little naive, though.

Foreigner. Here on a visa from Oklahoma.

LATISHA: She gonna be a city girl before long. She rooming with Sanchez.

That little hot tamale over there!

Ooh, that girl get around.

Really?

How awful! Awful!

LATISHA: Block out, Magda!

With that big-ass head, she could block out the sun.

I said block out, you Serbian knucklehead!

Way to go, baby! Way to go, Way to go.

So what's your story?

Me? I like to keep it simple.

You give me a good book, and a good bitch, I'm straight.

I like you!

COACH: Yes, Natalie! Way to get in there! Yes!

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

Time out!

VICKIE: It's all right, Natalie!

I got you.

(CROWD CHEERING)

All right, hot shot, let's see what you got.

All right, Coach. Now you're coaching.

CHRIS: Rivers put a substitution in. The new player is number 22.

JEANNE: Chris, that is Juwanna Mann.

JAMAL: And this is what happens in my house!

Yo, did you see that?

That deserves a "Wow"!

BOTH: Funk. Na, na, na, na.

LORNE: Beer and a popcorn.

It's all right. Okay.

CHRIS: The ball is stolen away. What a move!

No! No! No! No!

TEAMMATE: Pass the ball, pass the ball. Pass the ball!

Don't dunk!

CHRIS: A 360! Another amazing shot!

Ain't nothing sexier than a woman with ball control.

All right! Yes!

Pass the ball! Pass the ball!

JAMAL: Here it comes. Here I go. Here I come. The ball!

JAMAL: Ready? It's my house!

It's my house!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Offense, 22!

Hit.

(WHISTLE BLOWING) Technical, right here.

(BUZZING)

...if you all hadn't been playing like a bunch of little girls!

Coach, that girl has got to go.

You know she's the reason why we lost the game.

She wouldn't even let the ground touch the ball.

Believe me, I can understand your frustration.

The woman has definitely got problems.

"Problems"? You got that right.

Her number-one problem is I'm not playing with her.

Well, you're gonna have to. We just got Natalie's MRI back. She tore her ACL.

She's out for the rest of the season. And...

I'm making Juwanna her replacement.

What? But she's nothing but a ball-hog, Coach!

You're gonna talk to me about ball-hog,

Miss "I got game, I'm all that"?

I wasn't as bad as her.

Michelle. You need to step up.

You're captain of this team and I'm expecting you

to help me turn this woman around.

I'm really in a messy situation here. I'm stuck, so, basically...

We have no choice.

That was quite a performance you had out there today.

What, fifteen points in the second half alone?

Yes, it was, but it would have been 16 if y'all had just picked up the pace!

Now, listen to me.

I know I'm not the captain of this team yet,

but if you guys want to win, you're gonna have to find a way

to get me the ball. What?

I mean, I can't pass the thing to myself, can I?

I mean, I probably could if I worked at it. But we're supposed to be a team.

Teamwork! Just what we need to talk about. Okay? That's right!

Forget it.

Look, um...

You know, I'd love to work with you on your game.

You know, If you're up to it. You know, go over the playbook with you.

Make sure you understand how the Banshees...

Excuse me, sister, but you don't need to work with me on my game.

How you gonna work with me on my game

when my game doesn't need any work?

Didn't you see it?

But I'll be more than happy to help you with a few pointers on your game.

I'll be really happy to do that, just as...

Oh, my God, Lord, what are you doing?

Taking a shower, Einstein. Aren't you?

Hell, yes, I'll take a shower with...

Shower as soon as I get home.

I have to do it, soon as I get home.

I really can't take showers in public places like this.

Things crawl up in you and you never find them.

(SCOFFS) Whatever.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

Boy, I love this league.

What part of, "Don't draw attention to yourself" did you not understand?

Oh, come on Lorne, I'm sorry.

I mean, they were screaming and cheering for a brother, well, a sister.

I mean, what was I supposed to do, play like a bitch?

Yes, play like a woman! That was the plan, I mean, your plan!

Calm down, chill out, man.

Yeah, you're right, I gotta calm down.

I'm overreacting. Absolutely.

I guess I'm not used to going to a basketball game

and praying that my client's boobs don't fall out!

I mean, come on, you keep this up,

I'm gonna be booking clowns at birthday parties.

Yeah, but that's your problem, Lorne.

My problem is, I need a shower.

I think I sweat more as a woman.

LORNE: Jamal, please.

I'm fairly certain I can get you an arbitration hearing.

But until then, I need you to keep a low profile, that's all.

Okay. All right. all right.

You can do that? I can do that, Lorne,

I'll keep a low profile, I promise.

Damn, you'll have a heart attack if you keep that shit up.

Yeah. I'm telling you.

You just be good. Bye-bye, Lorne.

(CHATTERING)

What a snake.

JAMAL: I knew it.

JAMAL: I'll holla at you too.

Hold up, little girl. Ew!

Let me tell you something. You are one tall glass of water,

and I'm telling you straight up,

I'm thirsty.

What in the hell are you?

You don't know who I am, do you?

No, I don't know who you are. Who are you?

I am Puff Smokey Smoke.

You wanna kiss it, don't you, mmm?

That's right.

Uh-huh, rap extraordinaire.

I also sang background on Romeo's last album.

Where there's smoke, there's Firestone.

Watch the Firestone tires. Ha, ha.

Oh, really? Well, you can sing backup for me, right now.

Just back right on up on it. Thank you, Mr. Puffer,

but I really have to go.

Drive careful now, baby.

Because you are definitely precious cargo.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

JAMAL: You're ready, you're ready?

Pass the ball.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

What the hell are you doing?

Well, I'm sweating, I'm breaking down the defense,

I'm wearing these chumps out, making all the shots.

Take your pick.

You know what? Practice is over.

Michelle, don't leave. Stick around.

This is about you and Juwanna.

Listen, missy.

I want you to take a look up here and tell me what you see.

What I see are a bunch of empty bleachers that I'm about to help you fill.

That's what I see.

(CHUCKLES) Very funny. You're a funny lady.

Now, I see a sign that says, the "Charlotte Banshees".

My eyes are fine, Coach.

Because it says the Charlotte Banshees,

and not the Charlotte Juwannas.

And if the Charlotte Banshees are gonna have any chance of winning this season,

I have to get my two strongest players here to try and work together.

Otherwise, we're screwed.

So, you're gonna play with Michelle here,

one-on-one.

And one-on-one, and one-on-one, and one-on-one and one-on-one.

And hey, how about one-on-one?

Until you start to get with the program.

You got it?

Yeah, I got it, Coach.

You ready for this, huh? What you got, come on?

Ooh!

(SIGHS) I think you're gonna need a pen and paper.

That's all right. Come on! Come on!

Are you ready? Are you ready?

Ooh! Boom!

Sorry about that.

Boom!

(SIGHS) Now that's what I call an "ass-ist." (CHUCKLES)

Ha, ha.

Ooh!

Boom!

That's game.

(EXHALES)

You really think you're something, don't you?

Well, I got it going on. What can I say, born with it.

Here we go, the jokes.

Look, Juwanna, this might be a joke to you, but it's not to me.

You got some big balls, don't you, girl? (CHUCKLES)

Yeah, yeah, but all your arrogance and all of this showboating doesn't scare me.

'Cause I know it's just a cover.

Because underneath, you don't trust anybody but yourself, girl.

And that's exactly where you're gonna end up, by yourself,

if you don't start to trust your team.

And we'll be right back with more from Oprah.

Are you done? No.

Now, don't get me wrong, you got mad skills. You're good.

But one player can't win games by themselves.

We need teamwork.

So, you think I got skills? Yeah.

Shoot, I'd like to be able to do some of them moves I saw you do.

Wrap it around.

Yeah, sure like to show you some moves.

What?

I said, I could surely show you some of those moves,

'cause they're really easy.

Good. See? Now we talking.

Let me tell you something, I have never seen anybody

pick up moves quicker than you. You're a star.

Yeah, you know, you know. (HORN HONKING)

Romeo! Hey!

What you doing?

You know I couldn't roll through Atlanta without my baby.

(GIGGLES) Hey, Juwanna, I got a ride.

All right. Bye-bye.

Bye!

Got some trouble, little lady?

JAMAL: That's all right, my door's just stuck,

but you just go right ahead. I can handle this.

I don't want you to strain yourself.

See, there you go, that's what you get.

I guess you don't need no man's help after all.

No, I don't need a man, but thank you.

It's like that, all right. Thank you, very much.

Hey, Juwanna, you want to hang out tomorrow before our trip to New York?

Oh, I'd love to. MICHELLE: Cool.

Just you and me, right?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. It's a date.

All right.

See you later. Bye.

(ROMEO CHUCKLES) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Bam!

MICHELLE: Oh, I've got a little surprise for you today.

JAMAL: I love surprises. MICHELLE: You do? Good.

Because I have booked us for an entire day of beauty at the spa.

"Spa"?

So relaxing.

(SIGHS)

I'm looking forward to this.

Mmm-hmm.

I'm looking forward to it, too. I'm feeling relaxed already.

(GRUNTS) Hi.

Oh, yes.

Where'd you leave your wings, you angel, you?

Oh, my God.

Lord. Who are you?

Ow, slow it down, man.

Oh!

Ooh! Slow it down, sailor!

(GRUNTS) Lord.

Argh! (GRUNTS)

Oh! Is there a medic?

(GRUNTING)

(WHIMPERING)

MICHELLE: Thanks, Suzy, we'll see you next time.

JAMAL: Bye, Suzy.

So how you feeling?

Oh, Lord, girl, if I was any number I think I'd be dead.

(LAUGHS)

Well, you get a good night's sleep tonight,

'cause don't forget, we got that 7:00 a.m. flight in the morning to New York.

Oh, don't worry about me. My alarm's set, sweetie, right here, right here.

Oh! (SIGHS)

Was that your first time?

JAMAL: First and last, sweetie.

(SNORING)

(LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

Come on.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Whoa!

(SIREN WAILING)

Oh, Lord, oh, Lord. No, I don't need this now.

And he's white!

Okay, I can do this. I can do this.

Morning, Officer.

Nice morning, isn't it? Sun's shining. Birds are chirping.

Anybody tell you you look like Mel Gibson?

Do you have any idea how fast you were going, ma'am?

Well, see, actually, Officer, see, my speedometer's broken on this car.

And I was looking at it, but I...

How fast was I going?

I clocked you at 50.

Is that a little too fast?

I'm gonna have to see your license. Oh, Lord.

Uh, you really think we need to go that far?

I mean, I'm not even sure if I have it in this car, you see,

I might have left it in my other car. It's a Benz.

Well, you better have it or I'm gonna have to impound this car,

and you and I are going for a little ride.

Where we going?

Here it is, right here.

You know, Whitney Houston's my cousin.

"Jamal Jeffries."

Who's Jamal Jeffries?

Uh, that's me, Officer.

That's you? Uh-huh.

You expect me to believe that?

Well, it's true.

You see, the thing is...

I'm not armed.

I just recently had a little operation.

You mean, one of those operations where you...

Uh-huh.

So you no longer have your...

Uh-uh.

And now you have a...

Yes.

Get out of the car.

Excuse me? What is the problem?

Out of the car.

Come on.

I mean, is there a problem, Officer?

Step away from the vehicle. Away from the vehicle, come on.

I'm not gonna have to spread any eagles, am I?

Come on, spin around.

JAMAL: All right, how about this?

All the way!

You look fabulous.

I'm having it done, too!

I'm only about $1,000 away right now. Who did you?

Well, whoever it was, they did a great job.

I got my post-op outfit all ready and waiting, hanging in my closet.

It's got ruffles on top...

Excuse me! Thank you very much.

I'm telling you, trust me, I believe you'll look great when you get it done.

But I'm really in a hurry. I really need to go.

You know what? Just forget the ticket.

Thank you. Oh, no, not at all.

Thank you so much. You know what? You're gonna look great!

You think so? I know so. Turn to the side.

Oh, you're gonna look great. You think so?

Yes. Make sure they get those nose hairs, especially on the left side.

(ENGINE STARTS)

You're gonna look great. Thank you very much, Officer.

Have a good day.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Juwanna, they're double-teaming you every time.

If you don't start letting go of the ball, I'm gonna sit your ass down.

All right, Banshees, on three. One, two, three.

ALL: Banshees!

Hey, Juwanna, remember what we was working on back home?

Not now. I'm in a zone, okay?

JAMAL: Here we go. Pick, Magda, pick!

JAMAL: Ball's up! Get your hands up, watch your hands!

Come on, let's go! Pass the ball! Pass the ball!

Pass the ball!

Pass the ball! Pass the ball!

Pass the ball!

(WARPED) Juwanna!

(WARPED) Juwanna!

JAMAL: Move back! Move back!

(GRUNTS)

Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

Nice job, Juwanna!

Way to pass that down, baby!

You my dog! You my dog!

(RandB SONG PLAYING)

JAMAL: Great shot! Way to make them move to the basket, baby.

JAMAL: Great shot! Great shot!

JAMAL: Here we go. All right, back to work. Move.

Great job, Magda. Good shot.

COACH: Get in here. Listen up, ladies.

We're gonna run three. Penetrate left.

Squeeze.

You're gonna break down, go right,

and squeeze hard and go, all right?

Let's win this thing. Win on three.

One, two, three.

ALL: Win!

COACH: All right, ladies, listen up.

I got a couple of things to say here.

First of all,

you guys played one hell of a game tonight.

(ALL CHEERING)

I hope there's plenty more where that came from!

Now, for those of you who are new to the Banshees,

we have a little tradition here.

After every victory...

(CHEERING)

That's right, that's right... We give away a game ball.

And tonight it should come as no surprise

that the ball goes to...

Juwanna Mann.

(ALL CLAPPING AND CHEERING)

Hey, Juwanna, kick it out, I'm open.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Thank you, guys. I really do appreciate it.

Oh, look at her getting all misty up in here.

Oh, I really do. I mean it.

But I think that since Magda actually made the winning shot,

I think I should share this with her.

You'd share ball with me?

Oh, thank you, Juwanna.

Thank you.

No, you don't have to...

Thank you.

ALL: Aw.

MICHELLE: Precious time.

Yo, let's shower up and get the hell out of here!

(ALL AGREEING AND CHEERING)

Just superstition. Never take it off after a win.

Never take it off.

(HONKS HORN)

You was really getting your game on tonight, Juwanna.

You know, I have a feeling that we are gonna have

a really good season this year.

Oh, yes, we are.

Whoa! Look at you.

Isn't this cute? I got it at Victoria's Secret.

JAMAL: Mmm-hmm.

Ooh, well, the secret's out.

It's just perfect for the road, you know?

Where you can just keep it comfy and simple.

Mmm-hmm. Comfy and simple.

(SIGHS)

Damn. I am so sore tonight.

Really? Would you mind

rubbing a little bit of this on my shoulders for me?

Oh. (SNIFFS)

Mmm-hmm. I'd be more than happy to.

Thank you, girl.

(SIGHS) Yes, all right.

We can do that for each other.

Thank you.

We was really balling tonight, huh?

Mmm-hmm. (SIGHS HAPPILY)

Such teamwork.

Mmm-hmm. Oh.

That feels good.

Yes, that was one

velvety-smooth game.

I just get so stiff sometimes after the game. Do you?

I'm starting to. Hmm?

I'm starting to get stiff right here.

It's catching up with you?

Mmm-hmm. Oh.

Thanks, girl.

My pleasure. Appreciate it.

You want me to put a little bit on you?

Where? Uh, no!

No, I'm fine. I'm just cool. I'll just sit here and hit the old hay.

Okay.

Good night, Mr. Romeo.

Hmm.

You're just so fine.

Don't leave home without him, huh?

Oh, you got that right.

He goes wherever I go.

Let me ask you a question.

You think Romeo takes your picture when he goes on the road?

Oh, hell, I'm sure of it. I glued it to the inside of his suitcase.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm just saying... I know Romeo's a man,

and I do know men, if you know what I mean.

All I'm saying is, girl, I trust my man.

Do you love him?

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Look, Juwanna...

I've never not had someone.

And even with the doubts, which, I'm not gonna lie, there are some,

it's better than being alone.

(SIGHING) I'm not so sure about that, Michelle.

Oh, wow. Look at these tomatoes.

They're looking good, Aunt Ruby.

(CHUCKLES) Hey, baby. How'd it go?

It went great, Aunt Ruby.

The game was off the hook, I was off the hook.

Hey, they gave me the game ball.

And, Aunt Ruby, I really think

Michelle and I are getting tight!

Oh, you like her, do you?

Yeah, yeah. I think I do.

Uh-huh. She likes you?

Well, she will.

You know, I just gotta keep working it.

She's just starting to get into me.

Uh-huh. Get into you. Yep.

Boy, have you lost your mind?

What?

You are a man posing as a woman.

She don't want you, she wants a girlfriend.

(SCOFFS)

The second she finds out you got

an extra piece of equipment between your legs,

what you think she gonna do?

(RandB SONG PLAYING)

Juwanna! I have been looking all over for you.

We've got a table right over there.

What's the matter?

You don't like my outfit, huh? I told my girl this Pebbles-do...

No, no, no.

What?

It's just...

You look so beautiful tonight.

Thank you, Juwanna. How sweet.

What do you mean, "Thank you"? Whatever happened to, "Same to you"?

Oh! I'm sorry, girl. Same to you. You looking good, girl.

That's what I thought. Puff gonna love you in that dress.

Whoa, wait. What do you mean, "puff"? I don't smoke.

Puff. You remember. Over there. Romeo's friend?

MICHELLE: You remember him. Look.

JAMAL: Oh, my Lord!

Girl, you did not just set me on a date

with that Carolina river cricket.

Juwanna, I thought I was doing you a favor.

JAMAL: You call that a favor?

And he really likes you, girl.

Yeah, well, he can start liking somebody else, 'cause I'm up outta here.

Oh, no, no, no, Juwanna. Please don't leave.

(BOTH SIGH)

I promised Romeo that I'd hook you guys up.

And it would really mean a lot to me if you'd stay.

Please. For me?

Be nice. I'll try my best.

I found her.

How you doing, Juwanna? How are you, Mr. Romeo?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Juwanna Mann.

How you doing, Little Puffy?

All good. Mmm.

You know, I have to admit, you are looking so hot tonight.

Thank you.

Let me aks you something.

What do you want to "aks" me?

Did it hurt?

Did what hurt?

When you fell from heaven.

(SNICKERING)

Hallelujah! It's called "the bird". Watch the wings.

(MICHELLE CLEARS THROAT)

Please, have a seat.

Let's have a good evening.

I got the chair.

Some of this.

Good evening, folks.

Would you like to hear the specials?

No! Don't wanna hear any specials.

Just get me a cosmo, heavy on the vodka.

Just keep pouring, and pouring, and pouring, till your arms get tired.

(CHUCKLES) I'll have a glass of champagne, sir.

ROMEO: No, no, no. Hold up, hold up.

My man, bring a bottle of your best champagne for the table.

SMOKEY: Yeah. Bet that.

And some strawberries and some shrimp cocktail.

Have we decided on dinner, or do you need some more time?

No, no. Don't need any more time. Get me...

Uh, uh, uh. Stymie that.

That's when you going country.

(SINGS) * Country gotcha crazy *

(IMITATING A FIDDLE)

Okay, three, five, seven!

The young lady wants a filet mignon.

You know. Little hunk of meat. Little pink on the inside.

(SINGS) * Filet mignon

* How do you like it? How do you like it? *

MICHELLE: I'll have the...

(SCREAMS)

I'll have the snapper.

Girl, you on fire tonight!

I like it, though.

I like it like that.

(SLURPING)

I'll gonna run off to the ladies' room. I'll be right back.

I better go with you.

JAMAL: No, stay right here.

All right. The restroom's right back there.

(JAMAL GROANS)

(SIGHS)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

(JAMAL GROANING)

(BURPS)

(BURPS AND FARTS)

(SIGHS HAPPILY)

(ROMANTIC RandB SONG PLAYING)

You know that could be us out there, right?

(SMOKEY YELLS)

So can a brother stay with his woman? You know it.

ROMEO: I'll be right back.

Back your ass up.

Yo, Puff. Let me holler at you for a second.

Yo, check it out. Take the keys, take my car, man.

Looks like I'll be kicking it here. You know what I'm saying?

You kids be safe...

If you know what I mean.

BOTH: Funk!

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Nice crib, young lady.

Say, you mind if I get something to drink?

I ran out.

How about if I use your bathroom?

It's broken.

Well, I'm mighty tired. Do you mind if I crash on the couch?

Don't have one.

Then do you mind if I use the phone?

Listen to me. My line's dead.

Okay. Why don't you just cut the crap?

You're not getting into my house.

You don't need to come into my house.

You don't need to use the bathroom.

You can't sleep on my couch.

I don't need you to go inside checking for any burglars.

And I don't have any aspirins for your fake-out headache.

So I'll tell you what.

You're not getting inside me or my house,

so, you and Little Puffy can just get to stepping.

Get to stepping.

How about a little kiss?

I ain't giving you no little... (SCREAMS)

Giving you no little kiss.

All right then, good night.

You know I could use a little sugar...

(GROANS) That's what you can use!

That's exactly what you can use!

(HIGH PITCHED) I guess no means no.

(RETCHES)

(FAST-PACED MUSIC PLAYING) (CROWD CHEERING)

(BUZZING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

You're a big ol' man! Now give me a hug.

Now you go right on over there.

What is your name?

Jerry, you're gonna get one, "To my friend..."

SMOKEY: Juwanna Mann! There you are, Jerry.

What's up?

Oh, my God!

JAMAL: You busy? Well, here...

(BANSHEES SINGING TRIUMPHANTLY)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Girl, we ain't even been up in here six hours

and already you got some meat sending you flowers?

MICHELLE: You move that fast on the court, you'd be league MVP about now.

VICKIE: Are you two done?

'Cause they're not even for me.

They're for Miss Juwanna!

(ALL HOLLERING)

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Let me have them before you wilt them.

Let's just see who they from!

I can read my own card!

Let's see now.

"Roses are red, violets are not,

"I can't wait to see what you've got!

"Love, Puff Smokey Smoke."

(ALL LAUGHING)

ALL: He already got it! He already got it.

He's your mother's sister.

Oh, Juwanna!

Oh, please. Trust me. Puff is not my type.

Anybody who sends me roses is definitely my type.

Oh, hell, bitch. Someone passes you the salt, he's your type!

MICHELLE: Latisha! That's cold.

I'mma tell you ladies what my type is.

Somebody who sends you flowers for no reason at all, you know?

Just because it's Wednesday, or whatever.

And that's special.

That's the kind of guy you hold onto.

DEBBIE: Well, you know what I like?

I like it when a man tells you

you're the most beautiful girl in the world.

ALL: Aw.

Oh, Lord.

I hate to burst your bubble, Mother Teresa.

But a man would tell you anything to tap that ass!

WOMAN: Yeah, you got that right, girl.

I'll tell you this. And I'mma let you guys in on a little secret.

It's not that I'm easy or anything, it's just...

You gotta trust me on this.

Now, the key to men is breaking through that little code they have.

That little double-talk.

What about when they take a baby-girl out to dinner,

talk about, "You can eat whatever you want, money's no object"?

Oh, all that one means is,

"If I'm spending this kind of money on your gut,

"when I get home I want some of baby-girl's..."

That's all that means! Go girl.

Now, you all know the mac daddy line of them all.

Now, say it with me.

ALL: "I promise, baby, I will call you tomorrow."

Amen, girl!

Hallelujah!

Now, what about when some men like to brag

about the size of their manhood?

When we know it ain't the size of the boat, baby,

but the motion of the ocean.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Can't I get a hallelujah?

What you talking about, Juwanna?

The size of the boat don't matter?

I want the Titanic!

You got that right!

(RandB INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

All right, ladies, listen up.

No practice today.

All right!

The team has a new insurance policy.

So, each one of you needs to take a new physical.

MICHELLE: Come on, y'all. Let's go knock this out real quick.

Juwanna Mann?

When was your last period?

Um, my last period. Okay.

I had a game three days ago,

and I played the whole game, so, two periods.

(LAUGHING) You crack me up!

No, no, no, no. Be serious.

Your menstrual period.

Oh! Oh, um...

The menstruation period. Let's see.

Last Thursday. Yes, I think I unplugged last Thursday.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And any signs of gonorrhea, syphilis, or chlamydia?

Uh, no. Don't have any sisters. Am I done yet?

(CHUCKLES) No, no, no.

I need for you to disrobe and I'll step right outside.

I'll be back in just a few minutes.

Excuse me. You want me to take off everything?

Every little stitch.

(LAUGHING)

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

DOCTOR: Ms. Mann?

Everything all right in there?

I'll be right there, Doc!

Miss Mann?

I'm coming in, Miss Mann!

JAMAL: Damn! Must be in the wrong locker room.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

BETTY: Wait. You can't go in there! Mr. Daniels is a very busy man!

Who do you think you are?

Oh. Betty, it's okay. It's fine, thank you.

Thank you very much, Betty!

Thank you, Betty.

Wow.

A third career. Where the hell do you find the time?

I'm telling you right now, Lorne. I'm through.

I'm finished with this. I'm out! All right.

I'm getting out! Okay. All right.

Have you checked with Juwanna on that?

I don't need to ask Juwanna. I am Juwanna!

Listen, let me tell you something.

I just left a doctor who was about five minutes

away from a handful of Juwanna's nuts!

All right. I just thought you might want to run it by her

because, well, considering all the offers

I've been flooded with...

I don't think you're hearing me. I just told you...

What do you mean "offers"?

Reebok, Coca-Cola.

Sports Illustrated for Women.

Yeah, it turns out that

Juwanna is every advertiser's dream come true.

You know, she's easy to get along with,

considerate of others, a real team player.

Pretty much everything you're not.

Yeah. So, really,

all you have to do is jump on board

with any one of these advertisers.

You'll be making more money as Juwanna

than you ever dreamed of as Jamal.

You're not getting it, Lorne. You're just not getting it.

I don't care about all of that anymore!

(STUTTERS) I'm... Listen.

I did this for one reason, and I did it for one reason only.

I did it so Jamal Jeffries can get back into pro ball, man.

I want to be back with my team! And that was it!

That's it.

All right. Then I'll tell you indeed that

the network is pressuring the commissioner

and you're probably gonna get another hearing.

But in the meantime, you might consider

taking advantage of the Juwanna train

while the railroad is still in business.

And you know what?

I think you might wanna stop worrying about Juwanna so much

and worry about Lorne, because this is about saving your career, too.

(SIGHS)

Romeo?

Bet my baby's sleeping.

(WOMAN GIGGLES)

Romeo?

ROMEO: That's my name, baby. That's my name!

Romeo?

ROMEO: Hold on, baby. I'm almost finished!

Romeo!

Who are you? In my bed? What're you doing in my house?

Baby! Hold up.

It ain't me! Groupies!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hel... (CLEARS THROAT)

(AS JUWANNA) Hello?

MICHELLE: (OVER PHONE) Hey, Juwanna, it's Michelle.

(SOBBING) I need to talk to you.

Girl, why are you crying?

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

I knew you wanted me. I knew it was just a matter of time, baby.

What you got? What you want?

ANNOUNCER AND CROWD: Six, five, four,

three, two, one...

Happy New Year!

You see that, Michelle? Being alone doesn't mean you have to be lonely!

Juwanna, how come I couldn't see what Romeo was doing behind my back?

Well, it was probably the glare off Puff Smokey's teeth.

(LAUGHS)

I know, I know it hurts like crazy now, sweetheart.

Bad.

But you trust me, you are so much better off.

I just hate being wrong.

Now don't you go blaming yourself for this. No, you don't.

You don't blame yourself for that low-down, dirty snake.

Sweetheart, some men just don't realize

what they've got till it's gone.

And you trust me,

one day, he's gonna know.

Thanks.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Juwanna, you are such a good friend.

That's why I like you.

Because you just keep it real. You know?

No perpetrating with you. You're just you.

Oh, actually, Michelle...

And you know what else?

I'm gonna quit all of this crying and tripping,

and I'm just gonna move on.

That's it, move right on.

Yeah. Let's have some more wine.

Michelle, I really need to tell you something...

(SIGHS) I'm really hoping

the playoffs can take my mind off of things.

'Cause you and the team are all that I plan on focusing on right now.

'Cause I think we got a really good chance

of winning the championship this year.

Especially now since we got you, dog!

(SIGHS)

LORNE: Jamal. Okay. It's all set.

Between the network, the players' union and my shameless groveling,

we got you a meeting with the commissioner.

That's great. What do I have to do?

Well, you just show up, right? Be polite, smile.

Let me do all the talking, you know, pretty much like I'm doing now,

and you're back in the league.

Sound good to me. When is it?

Tomorrow, 3:00.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute, Lorne.

You know I can't make that.

The Banshees start the playoffs tomorrow.

Well, you know what?

How about if my office tapes the game for you?

Yeah, but they're expecting Juwanna to play!

And I'm expecting Juwanna to disappear! We got a deal here.

What am I busting my ass for?

Come on, now, will you? Understand, will you?

There's a lot of people involved!

Yeah, Lorne. Including Juwanna.

I mean, there are a lot of people counting on Juwanna, too.

Jamal...

You're scaring me now with this.

I just need a minute, Lorne. That's all. I just need a minute.

(DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: The fans are filing in

with great anticipation as the Charlotte Banshees

prepare to host game one

of their WUBA playoff series against the Houston Gallop.

Yo. Has anybody seen Juwanna?

You know, Jeanne, this should really be an exciting playoff series.

Well, you're right, Chris. Even though these two teams are evenly matched,

most people expect the Banshees to win this series.

But in order to do that they're gonna need a huge performance

by their star player, Juwanna Mann.

And we're gonna find out for real, when they tip it off in just about 30 minutes.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? JAMAL: Hey, look, uh...

It's me.

Can we... Can we reschedule the meeting?

No, we don't. We're not rescheduling the meeting, okay?

Let me make this real clear for you.

If you're not here in the next five frickin' minutes,

you're not playing in the league ever again. Okay? That's it. This is it.

(FAKE-LAUGHING) Really.

Yeah, I understand.

That was him. He's on his way.

(CHUCKLING)

Nothing to worry about, Mr. Commissioner.

What's it gonna be, boy?

(SIGHS)

Now, you gotta go somewhere.

ANNOUNCER: And now, introducing

the starting lineup for your Charlotte Banshees.

(WHISTLING NERVOUSLY)

I tried calling.

I don't believe this.

Where is she at? I don't know.

You know what it is? I'm thinking...

Uh... Traffic. Yeah.

It's always...

Bad down... You know, here, it's bad.

ANNOUNCER: Number 22...

Juwanna Mann!

Hey, where you been?

I had a friend that had some problems.

Now, let's kick some butt!

All right, let's do this. Let's get in here,

MICHELLE: Huddle up!

I guess some things never change.

Oh, you're wrong about that.

The moment we've been waiting for is finally here.

We are underway.

Ball!

Go, girl! Yeah!

I've lost my mind!

JAMAL: Way to go, Michelle!

MICHELLE: Good pass!

(CLAMORING)

CHRIS: Things remain tight here.

The Gallop and the Banshees are playing evenly so far.

They've been trading basket for basket,

yet the Gallop holding a slim lead for the moment.

It's been that kind of game, but we should have a wild finish.

Defense! Defense!

On your D! On your D!

Juwanna Mann! Juwanna Mann!

CHRIS: Nine seconds left and the Banshees are down by one.

But there's a steal! The ball's stolen by Juwanna Mann!

Look at Juwanna Mann. Go, Juwanna!

Could Juwanna Mann possibly slam-dunk this ball?

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHEERING STOPS)

Yes! Yes.

(MAN IN CROWD LAUGHING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: I can't believe what I'm seeing here.

It's Jamal Jeffries!

And that's your play of the day.

(CROWD GROANS)

It don't make me no difference.

I still love you, Juwanna Mann.

I love you, Juwanna Mann!

SMOKEY: Juwanna Mann!

I love you, even though, I guess...

You're still the man.

Does that make me a man?

Juwanna!

SMOKEY: Juwanna!

What the hell is happening to me?

Whoa, Michelle, I can explain, all right?

Just give me a minute.

Michelle!

JAMAL: Michelle!

(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

In perhaps the most bizarre sports story ever,

women's pro basketball star, Juwanna Mann,

has turned out to be exactly what her name implies, a man.

He a sicko! Straight-up sicko!

No comment. Excuse me. No comment.

In my country, penis okay.

My mother have penis.

JAY LENO: In the WUBA, Charlotte Banshees

have fired Jamal Jeffries

for posing as a woman. Do you know the story?

See, the odd thing is, Jeffries was known for being a big playboy.

The team said they became kind of suspicious

when they caught him hitting on himself.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) LENO: In fact, he could...

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: Since the opening tip,

the Charlotte Banshees really have been struggling.

They have not looked very smooth...

Jamal, Jamal, Jamal.

I see you moping around here.

I see you down in the dumps.

I also see you ain't been using no plates in this room.

(LAUGHS)

You got yourself quite a mess here.

(SIGHING) I'll clean it up.

I'm not talking about this mess.

I'm talking about that mess.

Now, sit up.

Scoot over.

Now, it's no sense in crying over spilled milk.

Best thing to do is start looking for a paper towel.

You hear me?

Hmm?

(CROWD BOOS)

WEB PLAYER: Next!

CHRIS: Jeanne, it appears the Banshee fans are just as disheartened as the players.

JEANNE: Chris, I would absolutely have to agree with you.

And unlike the Gallop,

this Phoenix Web Team, they have a lot of game.

Really, the Banshees need to turn this around now.

Otherwise they're gonna get blown out

and they will not advance to the finals.

I brought my "A" game today.

(CLAMORING)

COACH: Let's pick it up, guys. Can you handle that?

Second half, that's what I want to see.

What's the matter with you guys?

Huh?

Come on, Coach!

Face it, we're never gonna get to the championship without Jamal.

That's not true.

What you doing here? This is the ladies' locker room, perv.

Look, I just want to talk to you guys, all right?

ALL: Oh, please!

COACH: All right, ladies. Hold up. Hold up.

I think we're letting Mr. Jeffries here off a little easy by throwing him out.

Let's listen to what he has to say.

I think we all want to hear this.

Guys, look...

I messed up, all right?

I mean, what I did, it was...

It was wrong.

It was selfish.

And I'm...

I'm truly sorry.

When I first got here,

I gotta tell you, I thought women's basketball was a big joke.

Hell, I thought anything that wasn't about Jamal Jeffries was a big joke.

(SIGHS) It turns out the joke was on me.

That's because I thought that the most important thing about basketball

was being a star.

That's until you guys taught me

that the only way to truly shine

is to be a part of a team.

So if you guys want to hate me,

and Lord knows I understand you if you do...

But you're gonna have to hate me after the game.

Because you guys never needed me to win this.

And you don't need me now.

I needed you.

So, come on.

Go win it.

And, Latisha...

Your game is on.

But keep your eye out for Magda.

She's getting open in the post, all right?

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

CHRIS: I don't know what happened in that locker room at halftime,

but the Banshee team has played with tremendous emotion.

Somehow, they've been rejuvenated.

JEANNE: Well, Chris, you are right.

This is like a completely different team.

What an amazing turnaround.

Don't look now, but the Banshees

might actually get to the big show.

(ALL CLAMORING)

ALL: We're winners!

(ALL CHEERING)

(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Dear Michelle...

Just 'cause it's Wednesday.

The fans deserve to have a true basketball star,

and a future role model, finish his career on top.

Please believe me when I tell you that Mr. Jeffries is a changed man.

And I say that not only as his agent

but as his friend, too.

ARBITRATOR: Mr. Jeffries.

After hearing the very sincere,

and impassioned plea from your representative,

I must say that I am still left

rather unimpressed.

You have not only disgraced our men's pro league,

but the women's pro league as well.

This is a closed hearing!

With all due respect, sir, and on behalf of the Charlotte Banshees,

we in no way feel that Jamal Jeffries has disgraced our league.

MICHELLE: Without a doubt, he may have disgraced himself,

and he is certainly paying the price for that.

MICHELLE: But we forgive him.

No doubt, no doubt.

And we feel that you should, too.

We want you to have this, Jamal.

I'm convinced. I think they've made their point.

We out of here, y'all.

(UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

ANNOUNCER: And now, returning

for his second year at starting guard,

the only man who has played

in both the men's and women's professional basketball leagues,

North Carolina's own Jamal Jeffries!

Hey, hey! You!

What, man?

That's not a keg!

You know how much this stupid thing costs?

What does it matter to you? The bank owns it now, anyway.

The bank? The bank owns this? Yeah.

Oh, really? Hey!

You know what? The bank's got a dustpan in the kitchen.

Maybe you need to get that, too.

What's up, baby? Yeah, you're like an angel in this light.

(SCREAMING)

Yo, man! What's up, G? I just saw you on the television, man.

That movement was so flying. You take it off like this, I was like, "Oh!"

You do it like this, I was, "Oh, yeah!"

You went like this, I was like, "Boonga!"

I was like... (SPEAKING JIBBERISH)

Oh, no, you don't have to.

(LAUGHS) Thank you.

You don't walk all over her.

I'm wrapping around her. Watch me.

Ride me! Ride them, cowboy! Rawhide!

I like it rough!

Aunt Ruby, please.

(VOCALIZING)

You got to get on the floor, boy.

Oh, shit! So sorry.

Get your ass on that floor.

Now, go ahead, do that walk I taught you.

Oh, shit!

Come on, Lorne. Just feel them for me.

Why? I want you to see how they feel.

I don't want to... Man, those are good.

That looks good on you, baby.

No, no, no, no, no.

No. Yes.

Oh, my God.

Lorne, not you, too!

(RAP SONG PLAYING)