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1
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,283
I think he's a funny guy,
he's original.
2
00:00:18,483 --> 00:00:21,816
He's a hilarious man
and he's a superstar.
3
00:00:22,016 --> 00:00:23,349
And I have two tickets
4
00:00:23,549 --> 00:00:24,817
for me and my baby to go see him.
5
00:00:25,017 --> 00:00:26,367
It's gonna be a great show.
6
00:00:37,884 --> 00:00:38,717
As he says...
7
00:00:38,917 --> 00:00:40,851
"There's black folks
and there's niggas."
8
00:00:41,051 --> 00:00:45,351
I think he's a...
Very progressive black man.
9
00:00:47,918 --> 00:00:49,951
I think he's true
with everything he says.
10
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,084
He hits home.
11
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:53,151
I mean, just all his jokes
are on point,
12
00:00:53,351 --> 00:00:55,018
and you know exactly
what he's talking about
13
00:00:55,218 --> 00:00:57,653
at all times.
14
00:00:57,853 --> 00:01:00,219
D.C., are you ready?!
15
00:01:00,419 --> 00:01:03,486
D.c., are you ready?!
16
00:01:03,686 --> 00:01:05,419
Give it up for my brother!
17
00:01:05,619 --> 00:01:07,519
The one, the only...
18
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:11,586
Chris rooooooock!
19
00:01:47,555 --> 00:01:54,855
Thank you!
Thank you!
20
00:01:55,055 --> 00:01:58,322
Thank you all for coming out!
21
00:01:58,522 --> 00:01:59,489
Yes!
22
00:01:59,689 --> 00:02:02,757
Welcome, sit your asses down!
23
00:02:02,957 --> 00:02:07,790
Thank you all for coming out
to my fourth hbo special.
24
00:02:07,990 --> 00:02:09,823
That's right, baby.
25
00:02:12,623 --> 00:02:13,989
We're gonna do it right, man.
26
00:02:14,189 --> 00:02:16,456
It's good to be here,
in washington, d.C.
27
00:02:16,656 --> 00:02:18,990
D.c.
28
00:02:21,824 --> 00:02:24,291
That's right, lovely constitution hall.
29
00:02:24,491 --> 00:02:25,724
That's right, man.
30
00:02:25,924 --> 00:02:28,990
Now, I haven't toured in a long time.
31
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,291
I haven't done
a special for a long time.
32
00:02:31,491 --> 00:02:33,624
I was waiting for special things
to happen in my life.
33
00:02:33,824 --> 00:02:35,958
And a lot's happened
in my life since the last time
34
00:02:36,158 --> 00:02:38,091
I was on the road, man.
35
00:02:38,291 --> 00:02:41,325
I had a little baby girl,
I had a little baby girl.
36
00:02:41,525 --> 00:02:43,225
A little baby girl, yeah.
37
00:02:43,425 --> 00:02:44,525
It's not a big deal.
38
00:02:44,725 --> 00:02:47,592
I mean, even roaches have kids, right?
39
00:02:47,792 --> 00:02:49,158
But I got a little baby girl, right?
40
00:02:49,358 --> 00:02:51,859
And it's amazing when you have a girl.
41
00:02:52,059 --> 00:02:54,092
You're a man, you have a girl.
42
00:02:54,292 --> 00:02:56,493
It's eye-opening.
43
00:02:56,693 --> 00:03:00,459
Because I've realized
I'm the man in her life.
44
00:03:00,659 --> 00:03:02,626
And my relationship with my daughter
45
00:03:02,826 --> 00:03:05,359
is gonna affect
her relationship with men
46
00:03:05,559 --> 00:03:07,360
for the rest of her life.
47
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,761
And every man in here has dated a woman
48
00:03:09,961 --> 00:03:12,827
with some daddy issues.
49
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,527
That shit ain't fun, okay?
50
00:03:15,727 --> 00:03:18,360
She giving you a hard time
over some shit her daddy did
51
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:21,093
in 1969, okay?
52
00:03:21,293 --> 00:03:23,361
That shit ain't never fun!
53
00:03:23,561 --> 00:03:25,061
Sometimes, I'm walking
with my daughter,
54
00:03:25,261 --> 00:03:27,495
I'm talking to my daughter,
I'm looking at her,
55
00:03:27,695 --> 00:03:29,228
I'm pushing her in her stroller,
56
00:03:29,428 --> 00:03:30,595
and sometimes I pick her up
57
00:03:30,795 --> 00:03:32,128
and I just stare at her,
58
00:03:32,328 --> 00:03:35,695
and I realize my only job in life...
59
00:03:35,895 --> 00:03:39,996
Is to keep her off the pole.
60
00:03:45,062 --> 00:03:48,129
Keep my baby off the pole!
61
00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,629
I mean, they don't grade fathers.
62
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:51,029
But if your daughter's a stripper,
63
00:03:51,229 --> 00:03:53,796
you fucked up.
64
00:03:58,230 --> 00:03:59,430
And I'm not making fun
of the strippers,
65
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:00,930
because some
of these girls were abused.
66
00:04:01,130 --> 00:04:02,430
Some of them were abused.
67
00:04:02,630 --> 00:04:06,096
And some of them
just missed a few hugs.
68
00:04:06,296 --> 00:04:08,130
Some of them are like,
"daddy, can we talk?"
69
00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:09,996
"Hey, I'm watching the game!"
70
00:04:10,196 --> 00:04:12,398
"I'll show you!
71
00:04:12,598 --> 00:04:16,064
"I'm gonna dance naked
to motley crue records!
72
00:04:16,264 --> 00:04:18,964
"I'm gonna change my name
to cinna-buns,
73
00:04:19,164 --> 00:04:22,431
and I'm gonna
wear clear heels!"
74
00:04:22,631 --> 00:04:25,531
When did clear heels
become the new whore uniform?
75
00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:28,064
When did that happen?
76
00:04:28,264 --> 00:04:29,965
Was there a big, old ho convention,
77
00:04:30,165 --> 00:04:32,032
and all the hoes got together and said,
78
00:04:32,232 --> 00:04:34,865
"we need something new?
79
00:04:35,065 --> 00:04:38,232
Something that
just says nasty."
80
00:04:38,432 --> 00:04:41,732
And one girl said,
"I got it, clear heels!"
81
00:04:41,932 --> 00:04:47,633
Ooh, girl, you disgusting!
82
00:04:47,833 --> 00:04:50,233
No, no, I got nothing
against the strippers.
83
00:04:50,433 --> 00:04:53,066
Somebody's gotta do it.
84
00:04:53,266 --> 00:04:57,999
Somebody has to take on
the monumental responsibility
85
00:04:58,199 --> 00:05:00,099
that the strippers do!
86
00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:01,534
Somebody's gotta do it.
87
00:05:01,734 --> 00:05:05,867
Somebody has to entertain
the married men of america!
88
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:08,467
Somebody has to do it.
89
00:05:08,667 --> 00:05:09,801
Okay?
90
00:05:10,001 --> 00:05:12,568
Your wife, you know,
your wife will take care of you.
91
00:05:12,768 --> 00:05:16,501
But she ain't gonna entertain you.
92
00:05:16,701 --> 00:05:17,935
You give your wife some clear heels...
93
00:05:18,135 --> 00:05:20,968
"what the fuck is this shit?!
94
00:05:21,168 --> 00:05:25,268
"Get this ho shit out my house!
95
00:05:25,468 --> 00:05:28,235
Now, wash your hands,
so you can eat!"
96
00:05:28,435 --> 00:05:31,235
I got nothing against the strippers,
97
00:05:31,435 --> 00:05:35,836
but the strip clubs are very addictive.
98
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:38,469
Not to me, but to other people!
99
00:05:38,669 --> 00:05:40,136
They are addictive.
100
00:05:40,336 --> 00:05:41,969
Every guy in here got a friend
101
00:05:42,169 --> 00:05:44,869
that's addicted to strip clubs.
102
00:05:45,069 --> 00:05:48,303
Addicted like heroin, okay?
103
00:05:48,503 --> 00:05:49,636
Addicted.
104
00:05:49,836 --> 00:05:51,970
You know those guys
that cannot function
105
00:05:52,170 --> 00:05:53,837
in a normal club?
106
00:05:54,037 --> 00:05:55,804
You take them to a normal club,
107
00:05:56,004 --> 00:05:57,237
they ask one girl to dance.
108
00:05:57,437 --> 00:05:58,571
"Excuse me, would you like
to dance?"
109
00:05:58,771 --> 00:05:59,870
"No, maybe,
a little bit later."
110
00:06:00,070 --> 00:06:02,870
"Yo, man, let's go
to the titty bar, man.
111
00:06:03,070 --> 00:06:07,405
"Man, these bitches is stuck up, man!
112
00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:10,904
I gave this bitch a dollar,
she ain't do nothing!"
113
00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:12,238
No, no, no, no.
114
00:06:12,438 --> 00:06:15,672
We all got those friends
that's addicted to strip clubs.
115
00:06:15,872 --> 00:06:17,605
You know, those guys
that go to the strip club
116
00:06:17,805 --> 00:06:19,971
in the daytime?
117
00:06:20,171 --> 00:06:22,171
If you're at a strip club
and the sun is out,
118
00:06:22,371 --> 00:06:25,072
you got some problems.
119
00:06:25,272 --> 00:06:28,639
You know those guys that eat
at the strip club?
120
00:06:28,839 --> 00:06:30,706
Eat at the buffet?
121
00:06:30,906 --> 00:06:37,005
How the fuck could you eat
at a nasty-ass strip club?!
122
00:06:37,205 --> 00:06:39,740
What?!
123
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,574
Are you that hungry?!
124
00:06:42,774 --> 00:06:46,006
Motherfucker,
go to mickey d's or some shit!
125
00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:49,940
Rwandan refugees won't eat that shit!
126
00:06:50,140 --> 00:06:52,073
At a damn strip club,
127
00:06:52,273 --> 00:06:56,974
titties and tater tots don't mix!
128
00:06:57,174 --> 00:06:58,808
But I got nothing
against the strippers.
129
00:06:59,008 --> 00:07:02,508
What I got a problem with
is the stripper myth.
130
00:07:02,708 --> 00:07:04,374
You know the stripper myth.
131
00:07:04,574 --> 00:07:05,941
There's a stripper myth
132
00:07:06,141 --> 00:07:08,408
that's being perpetuated
throughout society.
133
00:07:08,608 --> 00:07:09,708
The stripper myth is,
134
00:07:09,908 --> 00:07:14,842
"I'm stripping to pay
my tuition."
135
00:07:15,042 --> 00:07:17,642
No, you're not!
136
00:07:17,842 --> 00:07:20,209
There's no strippers in college!
137
00:07:20,409 --> 00:07:23,875
There's no clear heels in biology!
138
00:07:24,075 --> 00:07:25,742
Shit, man!
139
00:07:25,942 --> 00:07:26,942
I didn't know they had a college
140
00:07:27,142 --> 00:07:30,276
that only took $1 bills.
141
00:07:30,476 --> 00:07:33,677
And if they got
so many strippers in college,
142
00:07:33,877 --> 00:07:37,210
how come I never got a smart lap dance?
143
00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:39,276
I never got a girl
that sat on my lap and said,
144
00:07:39,476 --> 00:07:43,943
"if I was you, I would
diversify my portfolio.
145
00:07:46,044 --> 00:07:47,644
"You know, ever since
the end of the cold war,
146
00:07:47,844 --> 00:07:51,977
I find nato obsolete!"
147
00:07:52,177 --> 00:07:56,044
Now, I'm 39 years old,
39 years old, yep.
148
00:07:56,244 --> 00:07:58,077
Some people are like,
"really?"
149
00:07:58,277 --> 00:07:59,277
Yeah, man.
150
00:07:59,477 --> 00:08:02,545
New jack city's a long time ago.
151
00:08:10,145 --> 00:08:12,145
Now, I'm 39, right?
152
00:08:12,345 --> 00:08:14,845
And I still love rap music.
153
00:08:15,045 --> 00:08:18,212
I love rap music, man.
154
00:08:19,146 --> 00:08:21,580
You know, I love it!
155
00:08:21,780 --> 00:08:23,680
But I'm tired of defending it.
156
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:25,446
Because you gotta defend
rap music, man.
157
00:08:25,646 --> 00:08:27,946
People go, "that's not music,
that's not art.
158
00:08:28,146 --> 00:08:29,146
"That's garbage!
159
00:08:29,346 --> 00:08:30,613
"How can you listen to that garbage?
160
00:08:30,813 --> 00:08:32,746
How can you listen
to that trash?"
161
00:08:32,946 --> 00:08:36,180
And in the old days,
it was easy to defend rap music.
162
00:08:36,380 --> 00:08:39,947
It was easy to defend it
on an intellectual level.
163
00:08:40,147 --> 00:08:42,180
You could break it down intellectually,
164
00:08:42,380 --> 00:08:46,314
why grandmaster flash was art,
why run-dmc was art.
165
00:08:46,514 --> 00:08:49,113
Why whodini was art and music.
166
00:08:49,313 --> 00:08:52,881
You could break it down
intellectually, okay?!
167
00:08:53,081 --> 00:08:54,448
And I love all the rappers today,
168
00:08:54,648 --> 00:08:57,348
but it's hard to defend this shit.
169
00:08:57,548 --> 00:08:58,914
It's hard, man.
170
00:08:59,114 --> 00:09:03,315
It's hard to defend, "I got
hoes in different area codes."
171
00:09:03,515 --> 00:09:04,748
It's hard to defend,
172
00:09:04,948 --> 00:09:08,582
"move bitch,
get out the way."
173
00:09:11,416 --> 00:09:14,716
Well, as you can see,
there's a bitch in his way...
174
00:09:14,916 --> 00:09:18,516
That he needs to move!
175
00:09:18,716 --> 00:09:21,716
Thus, the term, "move bitch,
get out the way."
176
00:09:21,916 --> 00:09:22,950
You need to open your eyes,
177
00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:26,983
so you can get the bitches
outta your way!
178
00:09:27,183 --> 00:09:30,617
My favorite song right now
is impossible to defend.
179
00:09:30,817 --> 00:09:32,483
It's impossible!
180
00:09:32,683 --> 00:09:34,483
We should all be ashamed of ourselves
181
00:09:34,683 --> 00:09:37,217
for liking this fucking song.
182
00:09:37,417 --> 00:09:40,484
Lil' jon.
183
00:09:42,951 --> 00:09:43,851
You know that shit.
184
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:46,618
♪ To the window
to the wall ♪
185
00:09:46,818 --> 00:09:51,651
♪ 'til the sweat drip
from my balls ♪
186
00:09:51,851 --> 00:09:55,786
♪ 'til the sweat drip
from my balls ♪
187
00:09:55,986 --> 00:10:00,419
♪ skeet skeet skeet skeet ♪
188
00:10:05,052 --> 00:10:06,285
And you know what's real wild?
189
00:10:06,485 --> 00:10:07,385
You'll go to a club,
190
00:10:07,585 --> 00:10:08,652
you'll see girls dancing to that shit.
191
00:10:08,852 --> 00:10:09,885
Loving it!
192
00:10:10,085 --> 00:10:11,153
♪ 'Til the sweat drip
from my balls ♪
193
00:10:11,353 --> 00:10:13,053
♪ 'til the sweat
drip from my balls ♪
194
00:10:13,253 --> 00:10:14,919
♪ 'til the sweat
'til the sweat ♪
195
00:10:15,119 --> 00:10:17,220
'Til the sweat drip from my balls!
196
00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:19,253
♪ My balls
skeet skeet ♪
197
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:21,320
♪ my balls
skeet skeet ♪
198
00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,453
♪ 'til the sweat
'til the sweat ♪
199
00:10:23,653 --> 00:10:27,654
♪ my balls
my balls ♪
200
00:10:29,988 --> 00:10:30,987
You know what's wild?
201
00:10:31,187 --> 00:10:32,920
I feel sorry for the guys
that gotta pick a wife
202
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,920
outta this bunch!
203
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,154
"Uh, daddy,
where'd you meet mommy?"
204
00:10:38,354 --> 00:10:42,120
"Oh, she was singing
about balls at a club.
205
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:45,589
Skeet, skeet, skeet!
206
00:10:45,789 --> 00:10:47,222
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
207
00:10:47,422 --> 00:10:48,555
You know what's wild?
208
00:10:48,755 --> 00:10:51,722
People always say rap music
is misogynistic
209
00:10:51,922 --> 00:10:53,888
and it's degrading to women.
210
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:57,388
But what I realize, man,
is women that like rap
211
00:10:57,588 --> 00:11:00,856
don't give a fuck.
212
00:11:01,056 --> 00:11:04,856
Women that like rap
don't care what they sayin'.
213
00:11:05,056 --> 00:11:09,823
If the beat's all right,
she will dance all night!
214
00:11:10,023 --> 00:11:11,756
Women don't give a fuck!
215
00:11:11,956 --> 00:11:13,489
The nastier, the better!
216
00:11:13,689 --> 00:11:14,989
I see girls on the floor
217
00:11:15,189 --> 00:11:17,591
dancing to the nastiest shit ever made.
218
00:11:17,791 --> 00:11:19,190
Just on the floor, like,
219
00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:21,691
♪ smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
220
00:11:21,891 --> 00:11:23,023
♪ smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
221
00:11:23,223 --> 00:11:24,757
♪ smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
222
00:11:24,957 --> 00:11:26,424
♪ smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
223
00:11:26,624 --> 00:11:27,624
♪ I put a dick in her ear
a dick in her ear ♪
224
00:11:27,824 --> 00:11:29,990
♪ dick in her ear
dick in her ear ♪
225
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:32,257
♪ fuck her in the eye
fuck her in the eye ♪
226
00:11:32,457 --> 00:11:34,425
♪ fuck her in the eye
fuck her in the eye ♪
227
00:11:34,625 --> 00:11:36,425
♪ blind the bitch
blind the bitch ♪
228
00:11:36,625 --> 00:11:39,358
♪ blind the bitch ♪
229
00:11:45,858 --> 00:11:47,091
Now, you know what's wild?
230
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:48,391
If you mention to a woman
231
00:11:48,591 --> 00:11:51,593
that the song is disgusting
and misogynistic,
232
00:11:51,793 --> 00:11:54,826
they all give you the same answer.
233
00:11:55,026 --> 00:11:56,226
"He ain't talking
about me!"
234
00:11:56,426 --> 00:11:57,859
♪ Smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
235
00:11:58,059 --> 00:11:59,492
♪ smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
236
00:11:59,692 --> 00:12:03,259
♪ I put a dick in her ear
a dick in her ear ♪
237
00:12:03,459 --> 00:12:04,359
"He said your name!"
238
00:12:04,559 --> 00:12:05,827
"No, he didn't!"
239
00:12:06,027 --> 00:12:07,293
♪ Smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
240
00:12:07,493 --> 00:12:10,427
♪ smack her with a dick
smack her with a dick ♪
241
00:12:12,693 --> 00:12:15,560
Love rap music,
tired of defending it, man.
242
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:17,060
And it's weird with rap music, man.
243
00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:19,560
Because people either love it
or hate it.
244
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,795
Even the united states
government hates rap.
245
00:12:22,995 --> 00:12:25,127
The government hates rap.
246
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,661
You know why I say that?
247
00:12:26,861 --> 00:12:31,261
Because they don't arrest
anybody that kills rappers!
248
00:12:37,028 --> 00:12:41,362
They don't got no clues, no suspects.
249
00:12:41,562 --> 00:12:44,162
They don't have shit
when it's a dead rapper.
250
00:12:44,362 --> 00:12:47,162
They don't fill out a police report.
251
00:12:47,362 --> 00:12:48,829
They don't even have a chalk line
252
00:12:49,029 --> 00:12:50,995
when it's a dead rapper!
253
00:12:51,195 --> 00:12:52,562
Shit, if you wanna get away
with murder,
254
00:12:52,762 --> 00:12:54,697
all you gotta do
is shoot somebody in the head
255
00:12:54,897 --> 00:12:58,363
and put a demo tape in their pocket!
256
00:13:00,797 --> 00:13:04,196
"This is a rap killing,
let's go home."
257
00:13:04,396 --> 00:13:06,196
The government hates rap.
258
00:13:06,396 --> 00:13:08,330
Man. Look at all
these dead rappers, man.
259
00:13:08,530 --> 00:13:09,863
Biggie smalls.
260
00:13:10,063 --> 00:13:11,364
Jam master jay.
261
00:13:11,564 --> 00:13:13,231
Tupac shakur.
262
00:13:13,431 --> 00:13:18,297
Yo, tupac was gunned down
on the las vegas strip
263
00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:20,964
after a mike tyson fight.
264
00:13:21,164 --> 00:13:24,864
Now, how many witnesses
do you need to see some shit
265
00:13:25,064 --> 00:13:27,332
before you arrest somebody?
266
00:13:27,532 --> 00:13:29,098
Shit!
267
00:13:29,298 --> 00:13:30,965
More people saw tupac get shot
268
00:13:31,165 --> 00:13:35,232
than the last episode of seinfeld!
269
00:13:35,432 --> 00:13:36,898
And you know what's fucked up?
270
00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:40,365
Every year, tupac comes back
from the dead,
271
00:13:40,565 --> 00:13:45,499
records a new album with clues in it...
272
00:13:47,566 --> 00:13:50,233
Every record got a clue
if you listen real hard!
273
00:13:50,433 --> 00:13:51,766
♪ The brother in the red
shot me dead ♪
274
00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:53,866
Right there!
275
00:13:54,066 --> 00:13:55,399
Track 4!
276
00:13:55,599 --> 00:13:57,499
'Pac is trying to tell us something!
277
00:13:57,699 --> 00:13:58,932
Listen, again!
278
00:13:59,132 --> 00:14:00,367
♪ It was a nigga named kevin
with a mack 11 ♪
279
00:14:00,567 --> 00:14:02,500
Right there!
280
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:08,667
'Pac is reaching out to us!
Listen!
281
00:14:08,867 --> 00:14:12,234
The government hates rap, man!
282
00:14:12,434 --> 00:14:15,367
And only rappers
get gunned down, like this.
283
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:16,602
I'll tell you right now,
284
00:14:16,802 --> 00:14:20,134
if billy joel, elton john
and david bowie got shot,
285
00:14:20,334 --> 00:14:26,235
they'd have bruce springsteen's
house surrounded!
286
00:14:26,435 --> 00:14:29,868
The government hates rap!
287
00:14:30,068 --> 00:14:31,668
And only the good rappers are dead!
288
00:14:31,868 --> 00:14:32,869
Only the good ones!
289
00:14:33,069 --> 00:14:33,935
Biggie dead.
290
00:14:34,135 --> 00:14:35,069
Tupac dead.
291
00:14:35,269 --> 00:14:38,903
Vanilla ice, still alive.
292
00:14:41,769 --> 00:14:45,469
The government hates rap!
293
00:14:45,669 --> 00:14:48,604
You mean to tell me
they can find saddam hussein
294
00:14:48,804 --> 00:14:50,203
in a fucking hole,
295
00:14:50,403 --> 00:14:53,103
but you can't tell me who shot tupac?!
296
00:14:57,037 --> 00:14:58,804
Shit!
297
00:14:59,004 --> 00:15:04,170
They found saddam hussein
in fucking iraq!
298
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:08,071
Tupac got shot in vegas!
299
00:15:08,271 --> 00:15:12,137
In fucking vegas!
Not on no side street!
300
00:15:12,337 --> 00:15:14,671
The motherfucker got shot on the strip!
301
00:15:14,871 --> 00:15:17,671
In front of circus, circus!
302
00:15:17,871 --> 00:15:21,439
Damn!
It's all fucked up.
303
00:15:21,639 --> 00:15:23,706
The whole world's fucked up, man.
304
00:15:23,906 --> 00:15:27,205
Michael jackson lost his mind.
305
00:15:27,405 --> 00:15:28,839
What the hell is wrong with michael?
306
00:15:29,039 --> 00:15:32,606
Another kid?
Another kid?
307
00:15:32,806 --> 00:15:34,038
I thought it was groundhog's day
308
00:15:34,238 --> 00:15:37,773
when I heard that shit.
309
00:15:37,973 --> 00:15:42,206
Another kid, get the fuck outta here!
310
00:15:42,406 --> 00:15:44,039
Yo, that's how much we love michael.
311
00:15:44,239 --> 00:15:49,406
We love michael so much,
we let the first kid slide.
312
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,740
Another kid?!
313
00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:54,007
I'm fucking done!
I'm done with michael!
314
00:15:54,207 --> 00:15:55,874
I'm done, I was a fan my whole life,
315
00:15:56,074 --> 00:15:57,507
I am fucking done!
316
00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:00,940
I'm handing in my glove, okay.
317
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,541
I saw michael on 60 minutes.
318
00:16:04,741 --> 00:16:07,140
Ed bradley tried his best
319
00:16:07,340 --> 00:16:12,208
to make michael look like a mammal.
320
00:16:12,408 --> 00:16:17,742
Like somebody that drank water
and breathed air, right?
321
00:16:17,942 --> 00:16:20,342
He gave michael the easiest
questions in the world.
322
00:16:20,542 --> 00:16:23,775
The easiest
g.E.D. Questions in the world.
323
00:16:23,975 --> 00:16:27,376
And michael could not pass the test.
324
00:16:27,576 --> 00:16:30,909
It's like, "uh, michael,
do you think it's proper
325
00:16:31,109 --> 00:16:33,009
"for a 45-year-old man
326
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:39,876
to sleep in the bed
with 13-year-old boys?"
327
00:16:44,510 --> 00:16:46,944
"Yes!"
328
00:16:48,944 --> 00:16:53,611
"Okay, okay, let me rephrase that.
329
00:16:53,811 --> 00:16:59,411
"Uh, michael, would you let
your children sleep in the bed
330
00:16:59,611 --> 00:17:02,178
"of a 45-year-old man
331
00:17:02,378 --> 00:17:06,445
that's been accused
of child molestation?"
332
00:17:06,645 --> 00:17:09,178
"Yes!"
333
00:17:10,445 --> 00:17:11,878
Ed bradley looked at michael jackson
334
00:17:12,078 --> 00:17:17,479
like he wanted to say,
"nigga, is you crazy?!"
335
00:17:23,612 --> 00:17:25,312
Like he wanted to take
the 60 minutes clock
336
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,679
and push the shit forward,
337
00:17:27,879 --> 00:17:31,512
and, say,
"get the fuck off my show!"
338
00:17:31,712 --> 00:17:32,980
"I thought you said
it was 60 minutes!"
339
00:17:33,180 --> 00:17:35,747
"It's 10 minutes,
get outta here!"
340
00:17:35,947 --> 00:17:39,046
You nutty nigga, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
341
00:17:39,246 --> 00:17:40,647
I'm done with michael, man!
342
00:17:40,847 --> 00:17:42,280
You see michael go to court?
343
00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:45,380
Motherfucker come to court
20 minutes late.
344
00:17:45,580 --> 00:17:47,013
What kind of black man
345
00:17:47,213 --> 00:17:50,781
gonna come to court 20 minutes late?
346
00:17:50,981 --> 00:17:55,014
This ain't barbershop 2!
347
00:17:55,214 --> 00:17:57,181
This is court, motherfucker!
348
00:17:57,381 --> 00:17:58,481
Shit!
349
00:17:58,681 --> 00:18:00,014
And he don't even wear
a real suit to court.
350
00:18:00,214 --> 00:18:03,448
Coming in there
looking like captain crunch!
351
00:18:12,016 --> 00:18:14,115
Shit, shit, who's your lawyer?
352
00:18:14,315 --> 00:18:16,882
Frankenberry?
353
00:18:17,082 --> 00:18:19,048
Better take your black ass
to banana republic
354
00:18:19,248 --> 00:18:22,450
and get you a decent suit.
355
00:18:22,650 --> 00:18:24,049
What the fuck is wrong with that boy?
356
00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:25,383
I'm done with fucking michael!
357
00:18:25,583 --> 00:18:28,550
What the fuck?!
Another kid?!
358
00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:30,283
Another... that's like
another dead white girl
359
00:18:30,483 --> 00:18:33,149
showing up at o.J.'S house.
360
00:18:39,717 --> 00:18:43,684
And o.J. Going,
"I know what you're thinking..."
361
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:47,651
michael jackson is going to jail.
362
00:18:47,851 --> 00:18:49,917
And it's gonna be a sad sight
363
00:18:50,117 --> 00:18:51,751
when michael jackson go to jail.
364
00:18:51,951 --> 00:18:53,084
Oh, we're gonna shed a tear
365
00:18:53,284 --> 00:18:54,985
when michael jackson go to jail.
366
00:18:55,185 --> 00:18:57,418
And it ain't even gonna
be sad the day he go in!
367
00:18:57,618 --> 00:19:00,151
It's gonna be sad like a month later...
368
00:19:00,351 --> 00:19:04,585
When that perm grows out of his hair...
369
00:19:08,819 --> 00:19:11,919
The shit's all nappy and gray.
370
00:19:12,119 --> 00:19:14,286
When his makeup's all fucked up
371
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:15,952
because he don't got the crayola people
372
00:19:16,152 --> 00:19:21,152
to fix his face no more...
373
00:19:21,352 --> 00:19:24,253
That's a fucking sad-ass sight!
374
00:19:24,453 --> 00:19:25,820
Remember when we was young
375
00:19:26,020 --> 00:19:27,354
everybody used to have those
arguments about who's better,
376
00:19:27,554 --> 00:19:29,387
michael jackson or prince?
377
00:19:29,587 --> 00:19:32,153
Prince won!
378
00:19:35,620 --> 00:19:38,254
Yeah, man, but michael went crazy.
379
00:19:38,454 --> 00:19:40,520
Now, janet lost her damn mind.
380
00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:44,954
Whipping out her titty
on a sunday afternoon.
381
00:19:45,154 --> 00:19:49,555
On a sunday afternoon!
382
00:19:49,755 --> 00:19:51,321
What the fuck is wrong with this girl?
383
00:19:51,521 --> 00:19:53,088
This ain't deja-vu!
384
00:19:53,288 --> 00:19:55,688
This ain't magic city, motherfucker!
385
00:19:55,888 --> 00:19:56,722
It's the super bowl!
386
00:19:56,922 --> 00:20:00,155
A titty on a sunday afternoon!
387
00:20:00,355 --> 00:20:02,556
People coming home from church,
cut on the tv...
388
00:20:02,756 --> 00:20:05,689
Oh, lord!
389
00:20:05,889 --> 00:20:09,289
A titty on a sunday afternoon!
390
00:20:09,489 --> 00:20:13,322
And a 40-year-old titty, at that!
391
00:20:13,522 --> 00:20:17,190
You can't just whip out
a 40-year-old titty!
392
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:21,624
That's your man's titty!
That is your man's titty!
393
00:20:21,824 --> 00:20:22,857
40-year-old titty?
394
00:20:23,057 --> 00:20:24,223
Your man's titty.
395
00:20:24,423 --> 00:20:25,557
20-year-old titty?
396
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:28,957
Community titty!
397
00:20:32,157 --> 00:20:34,258
That's for all to see!
398
00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:36,858
The titty couldn't even believe
it was outside!
399
00:20:37,058 --> 00:20:38,224
The titty was, like,
400
00:20:38,424 --> 00:20:41,524
"oh, shit, what the fuck's going on?!
401
00:20:41,724 --> 00:20:45,524
Close the door,
close the door!"
402
00:20:50,026 --> 00:20:52,892
Michael's crazy, janet lost her mind.
403
00:20:53,092 --> 00:20:57,392
Now, I gotta see jermaine
every week for the blow-by-blow.
404
00:20:57,592 --> 00:20:59,859
I thought I was done with jermaine!
405
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:04,159
I got the "do what you did
when you did what to me" album!
406
00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:05,727
I thought I was done with jermaine!
407
00:21:05,927 --> 00:21:08,693
Jermaine look crazier than michael!
408
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:11,093
What the fuck is up with jermaine?!
409
00:21:11,293 --> 00:21:13,360
Is it me or is jermaine
the greasiest nigga
410
00:21:13,560 --> 00:21:18,727
you ever seen in your life?
411
00:21:18,927 --> 00:21:22,327
What the fuck?
My god, man!
412
00:21:22,527 --> 00:21:26,060
Does he just spray armor all
on his face or some shit?
413
00:21:26,260 --> 00:21:29,327
Just greasy motherfucker, my god!
414
00:21:29,527 --> 00:21:30,861
Just glistening,
415
00:21:31,061 --> 00:21:33,828
like patrick ewing
in the fourth quarter!
416
00:21:34,028 --> 00:21:36,394
Just... just fucking...
417
00:21:36,594 --> 00:21:39,161
Just greasy, shiny motherfucker!
418
00:21:39,361 --> 00:21:40,462
My god!
419
00:21:40,662 --> 00:21:41,829
When jermaine's on the tv,
420
00:21:42,029 --> 00:21:45,095
I gotta wipe the grease off the screen!
421
00:21:45,295 --> 00:21:48,662
"I can't see shit!
Jermaine must have been on!"
422
00:21:48,862 --> 00:21:51,228
The police can't even capture his ass!
423
00:21:51,428 --> 00:21:54,162
He just slips out!
424
00:21:54,362 --> 00:21:55,429
The police are, like,
425
00:21:55,629 --> 00:21:58,363
"somebody throw some sand
on that nigga!
426
00:21:58,563 --> 00:22:00,529
Please!"
427
00:22:04,796 --> 00:22:06,363
The jacksons lost their mind.
428
00:22:06,563 --> 00:22:10,430
R. Kelly lost his mind
this year.
429
00:22:10,630 --> 00:22:12,130
What the fuck
is wrong with r. Kelly?
430
00:22:12,330 --> 00:22:14,497
He got a lot of balls, okay?
431
00:22:14,697 --> 00:22:17,230
Talking about, "it ain't me."
432
00:22:17,430 --> 00:22:18,764
He's got a damn sex tape out!
433
00:22:18,964 --> 00:22:20,530
"It ain't me!"
434
00:22:20,730 --> 00:22:23,631
Motherfucker,
we know what you look like!
435
00:22:23,831 --> 00:22:25,230
That's you, okay?
436
00:22:25,430 --> 00:22:31,064
And a damn soul train award
right next to the bed!
437
00:22:31,264 --> 00:22:35,531
"Best r&b, '98," that's you!
438
00:22:35,731 --> 00:22:36,798
I can't even believe
439
00:22:36,998 --> 00:22:39,131
r. Kelly would come outside
after this shit.
440
00:22:39,331 --> 00:22:40,698
At one point on the tape,
441
00:22:40,898 --> 00:22:43,132
r. Kelly's eating
this girl's ass out
442
00:22:43,332 --> 00:22:46,899
like it's puppy chow.
443
00:22:47,099 --> 00:22:50,999
He's in her ass like he's got diabetes
444
00:22:51,199 --> 00:22:57,099
and her ass got insulin in it!
445
00:23:04,166 --> 00:23:06,600
Looking like the movie 28 days later!
446
00:23:13,533 --> 00:23:15,768
R.-fucking-kelly, man.
447
00:23:15,968 --> 00:23:17,334
The whole world's going crazy, man.
448
00:23:17,534 --> 00:23:18,934
Siegfried and roy,
449
00:23:19,134 --> 00:23:21,934
the tiger bit the man in the head.
450
00:23:22,134 --> 00:23:25,401
And everybody's mad at the tiger.
451
00:23:25,601 --> 00:23:27,468
Talk about the tiger went crazy.
452
00:23:27,668 --> 00:23:33,268
That tiger ain't go crazy!
That tiger went tiger!
453
00:23:34,969 --> 00:23:36,569
You know when the tiger went crazy?
454
00:23:36,769 --> 00:23:38,602
When the tiger was riding around
on a little bike
455
00:23:38,802 --> 00:23:41,302
with a hitler helmet on!
456
00:23:41,502 --> 00:23:43,802
"Oh, shit, I'm a crazy tiger!
457
00:23:44,002 --> 00:23:49,936
Whoa, lord, I'm crazy!
What is I gon' do?"
458
00:23:50,136 --> 00:23:52,936
Whole damn country's all fucked up.
459
00:23:53,136 --> 00:23:55,470
We're so desperate for entertainment
460
00:23:55,670 --> 00:23:58,236
that everybody's falling
for this magician, david blaine.
461
00:23:58,436 --> 00:24:00,203
What the fuck is this shit?!
462
00:24:00,403 --> 00:24:01,969
Are we so desperate that we fall
463
00:24:02,169 --> 00:24:05,371
for a trick-less magician?!
464
00:24:05,571 --> 00:24:07,371
Where the fuck's the trick?
465
00:24:07,571 --> 00:24:10,904
Cut a lady in half!
Pull a rabbit out a hat!
466
00:24:11,104 --> 00:24:12,271
Do something!
467
00:24:12,471 --> 00:24:13,871
What's his last trick?
468
00:24:14,071 --> 00:24:18,671
"I'm in a box and I ain't gonna eat!
469
00:24:18,871 --> 00:24:21,938
I'm in a box
and I ain't gonna eat!"
470
00:24:22,138 --> 00:24:23,338
That ain't no trick!
471
00:24:23,538 --> 00:24:26,839
That's called "living in the projects"!
472
00:24:31,905 --> 00:24:34,071
Shit, man!
473
00:24:34,271 --> 00:24:36,972
Kobe bryant lost his mind.
474
00:24:37,172 --> 00:24:39,606
What the fuck is kobe thinking?
475
00:24:39,806 --> 00:24:41,239
What is on kobe's mind?
476
00:24:41,439 --> 00:24:46,573
Going to colorado,
around all these white people,
477
00:24:46,773 --> 00:24:51,040
and not bringing johnnie cochran.
478
00:24:53,140 --> 00:24:54,774
You gotta bring johnnie to that shit!
479
00:24:54,974 --> 00:24:56,073
The girl's still alive!
480
00:24:56,273 --> 00:24:59,374
Johnnie will knock this out
in two weeks!
481
00:24:59,574 --> 00:25:00,440
Is she breathing?
482
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:01,973
Don't worry about it, shit.
483
00:25:02,173 --> 00:25:04,741
Kobe wouldn't miss a practice
if he had johnnie!
484
00:25:04,941 --> 00:25:07,007
What the fuck, man?
It don't look right, man.
485
00:25:07,207 --> 00:25:09,041
Some people are, like, "oh,
you can't hire johnnie cochran.
486
00:25:09,241 --> 00:25:10,308
"'Cause if you hire johnnie cochran,
487
00:25:10,508 --> 00:25:11,941
then, you look guilty."
488
00:25:12,141 --> 00:25:16,641
Yeah...
But you go home!
489
00:25:19,775 --> 00:25:22,642
What, you wanna look innocent in jail?
490
00:25:22,842 --> 00:25:26,742
I'd rather look guilty at the mall!
491
00:25:29,876 --> 00:25:31,942
But, yo, don't let kobe...
492
00:25:32,142 --> 00:25:33,442
Don't let all this celebrity news
493
00:25:33,642 --> 00:25:35,442
fool you, right now.
494
00:25:35,642 --> 00:25:37,175
All this stuff going on in the news.
495
00:25:37,375 --> 00:25:41,242
It's just a trick
to get your mind off the war.
496
00:25:41,442 --> 00:25:42,744
That's all it is.
497
00:25:42,944 --> 00:25:48,176
It's a trick to get your mind
off the war, okay?
498
00:25:48,376 --> 00:25:53,744
I think bush
sent that girl to kobe's room!
499
00:25:53,944 --> 00:25:55,710
Bush sent that girl to kobe's room,
500
00:25:55,910 --> 00:25:59,278
bush sent that little boy
to michael jackson's house.
501
00:25:59,478 --> 00:26:03,311
Bush killed laci peterson!
502
00:26:03,511 --> 00:26:10,778
Bush was fucking paris hilton
in that video!
503
00:26:10,978 --> 00:26:14,312
All to get your mind off the war.
504
00:26:14,512 --> 00:26:16,512
Because bush lied to me,
they all lied to me.
505
00:26:16,712 --> 00:26:18,212
They were like, "we gotta go to iraq
506
00:26:18,412 --> 00:26:21,012
"because they're the most
dangerous country on earth.
507
00:26:21,212 --> 00:26:24,045
They're the most dangerous
regime in the world."
508
00:26:24,245 --> 00:26:25,145
If they're so dangerous,
509
00:26:25,345 --> 00:26:26,579
how come it only took two weeks
510
00:26:26,779 --> 00:26:29,679
to take over the whole fucking country?
511
00:26:29,879 --> 00:26:33,213
Shit!
512
00:26:33,413 --> 00:26:37,713
Man, you couldn't take over
baltimore in two weeks!
513
00:26:49,481 --> 00:26:50,614
Now, the war was cool.
514
00:26:50,814 --> 00:26:52,114
When the war started,
it was great, man.
515
00:26:52,314 --> 00:26:53,347
It brought on a lot of patriotism.
516
00:26:53,547 --> 00:26:55,681
Patriotism, beautiful, beautiful.
517
00:26:55,881 --> 00:26:57,180
But slowly but surely,
518
00:26:57,380 --> 00:27:00,414
the patriotism turned into hatrotism.
519
00:27:00,614 --> 00:27:02,347
People started freaking out,
the war was weird, man.
520
00:27:02,547 --> 00:27:03,849
Because you'd watch tv, man,
521
00:27:04,049 --> 00:27:05,482
you'd see these weird white guys.
522
00:27:05,682 --> 00:27:07,382
Nobody here, you guys are okay.
523
00:27:07,582 --> 00:27:10,081
But you'd see these weird white guys
524
00:27:10,281 --> 00:27:11,815
getting overly patriotic
525
00:27:12,015 --> 00:27:13,448
and they'd have
their fucking flag hats on
526
00:27:13,648 --> 00:27:16,515
and their flag drawers
and their flag pickups and...
527
00:27:16,715 --> 00:27:19,216
"I'm american, man!
I'm american!
528
00:27:19,416 --> 00:27:21,182
"Fuck all these fucking foreigners!
529
00:27:21,382 --> 00:27:23,416
I'm american!
I'm american!"
530
00:27:23,616 --> 00:27:25,349
You're, like,
"hey, calm the fuck down!"
531
00:27:25,549 --> 00:27:26,549
"I'm american..."
532
00:27:26,749 --> 00:27:28,616
there was a lot of accepted racism
533
00:27:28,816 --> 00:27:29,949
when the war started, it was accepted.
534
00:27:30,149 --> 00:27:32,683
"I'm american, man!
I'm american, man!
535
00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:35,049
Fuck all these foreigners!"
and that was cool.
536
00:27:35,249 --> 00:27:37,284
It was, "I'm american!
I'm american, man!
537
00:27:37,484 --> 00:27:39,017
Fuck the french!"
that was cool!
538
00:27:39,217 --> 00:27:42,317
"I'm american, I'm american!
Fuck all these arabs!"
539
00:27:42,517 --> 00:27:43,817
And that was cool!
540
00:27:44,017 --> 00:27:46,284
Then, they went to,
"I'm american, I'm american!
541
00:27:46,484 --> 00:27:47,817
Fuck all these
illegal aliens!"
542
00:27:48,017 --> 00:27:49,617
Then I started listening
543
00:27:49,817 --> 00:27:54,418
'cause I know niggas and jews is next!
544
00:27:59,585 --> 00:28:02,018
It's, like, "any day now!
545
00:28:02,218 --> 00:28:05,118
That train's never late!"
546
00:28:08,819 --> 00:28:11,552
But the whole country's got
a fucked up mentality, man!
547
00:28:11,752 --> 00:28:13,753
We've all got a gang mentality!
548
00:28:13,953 --> 00:28:15,753
Republicans are fucking idiots.
549
00:28:15,953 --> 00:28:17,886
The democrats are fucking idiots.
550
00:28:18,086 --> 00:28:19,619
And conservatives are idiots.
551
00:28:19,819 --> 00:28:21,219
And liberals are idiots.
552
00:28:21,419 --> 00:28:25,487
Anyone that makes up their mind
before they hear the issues
553
00:28:25,687 --> 00:28:29,120
is a fucking fool, okay?
554
00:28:33,453 --> 00:28:35,854
Everybody!
No, no, no, no!
555
00:28:36,054 --> 00:28:38,420
Everybody's so busy wanting
to be down with a gang,
556
00:28:38,620 --> 00:28:40,220
"I'm a conservative,
I'm a liberal,
I'm conservative."
557
00:28:40,420 --> 00:28:43,588
It's bullshit!
Be a fucking person!
558
00:28:43,788 --> 00:28:45,221
Listen!
559
00:28:45,421 --> 00:28:47,521
Let it swirl around your head!
560
00:28:47,721 --> 00:28:49,921
Then, form your opinion!
561
00:28:50,121 --> 00:28:55,121
No normal, decent person
is one thing, okay?
562
00:28:55,321 --> 00:28:57,188
I got some shit I'm conservative about.
563
00:28:57,388 --> 00:28:59,355
I got some shit I'm liberal about.
564
00:28:59,555 --> 00:29:01,589
Crime?
I'm conservative.
565
00:29:01,789 --> 00:29:06,122
Prostitution?
I'm liberal.
566
00:29:10,789 --> 00:29:12,322
And they keep trying to scare us.
567
00:29:12,522 --> 00:29:14,490
Everybody's trying to scare us!
568
00:29:14,690 --> 00:29:16,523
Telling us to be
on the lookout for al-qaeda!
569
00:29:16,723 --> 00:29:18,590
It's like, "where, where?
570
00:29:18,790 --> 00:29:21,023
I ain't scared of al-qaeda!
I'm from brooklyn.
571
00:29:21,223 --> 00:29:23,590
I don't give a fuck
about al-qaeda, okay?
572
00:29:23,790 --> 00:29:25,989
Shit, motherfuck a al-qaeda.
573
00:29:26,189 --> 00:29:29,256
Shit, did al-qaeda blow up
the building in oklahoma?
574
00:29:29,456 --> 00:29:30,557
No!
575
00:29:30,757 --> 00:29:33,157
Did al-qaeda put anthrax in your mail?
576
00:29:33,357 --> 00:29:35,024
No!
577
00:29:35,224 --> 00:29:37,891
Did al-qaeda drag james byrd
down the street
578
00:29:38,091 --> 00:29:40,791
'til his eyeballs
popped out his fucking head?
579
00:29:40,991 --> 00:29:43,090
No!
580
00:29:43,290 --> 00:29:44,858
I ain't scared of al-qaeda!
581
00:29:45,058 --> 00:29:49,592
I'm scared of al-cracka!
582
00:29:59,525 --> 00:30:00,892
Ah, man, but, you know,
american people,
583
00:30:01,092 --> 00:30:02,292
whenever you leave, man...
584
00:30:02,492 --> 00:30:03,860
I love my country,
I love it here, man...
585
00:30:04,060 --> 00:30:05,226
But whenever you leave,
586
00:30:05,426 --> 00:30:07,059
you find out
people really hate america.
587
00:30:07,259 --> 00:30:09,126
It's good sometimes, okay?
588
00:30:09,326 --> 00:30:11,826
Because we got so much shit, okay?
589
00:30:12,026 --> 00:30:13,693
America's the only country in the world
590
00:30:13,893 --> 00:30:20,027
where people go hunting
on a full stomach, okay?
591
00:30:20,227 --> 00:30:23,093
It's beautiful!
592
00:30:23,293 --> 00:30:25,527
That's how good we got it, man.
593
00:30:25,727 --> 00:30:26,661
But I love america, man!
594
00:30:26,861 --> 00:30:29,093
We got a lot of freedom
in america, man.
595
00:30:29,293 --> 00:30:30,960
For instance, abortion's legal.
596
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:32,927
It's beautiful
that abortion's legal, man.
597
00:30:33,127 --> 00:30:35,862
Yes, it's beautiful.
598
00:30:36,062 --> 00:30:39,994
I love going to abortion rallies
to pick up women...
599
00:30:40,194 --> 00:30:43,028
'Cause you know they'll fuck you.
600
00:30:48,895 --> 00:30:50,295
You ain't gonna find a bunch of virgins
601
00:30:50,495 --> 00:30:53,195
at the abortion rally.
602
00:30:53,395 --> 00:30:57,529
You might even see some clear heels!
603
00:30:59,362 --> 00:31:01,763
Oh, the abortion issue, man,
it's a woman's issue.
604
00:31:01,963 --> 00:31:02,896
A woman gets pregnant,
605
00:31:03,096 --> 00:31:05,929
she don't wanna hear shit from the man!
606
00:31:06,129 --> 00:31:07,963
"Fuck you!
I don't need you!
607
00:31:08,163 --> 00:31:09,797
Mother-fuck-you!"
608
00:31:09,997 --> 00:31:11,096
Unless she decides to have the baby,
609
00:31:11,296 --> 00:31:14,096
then, she's like,
"where my check?"
610
00:31:14,296 --> 00:31:16,096
That's right,
when a woman gets pregnant,
611
00:31:16,296 --> 00:31:21,130
it's a choice between the woman
and her girlfriends.
612
00:31:21,330 --> 00:31:22,463
A woman gets pregnant,
613
00:31:22,663 --> 00:31:24,331
her and her girlfriends get together
614
00:31:24,531 --> 00:31:27,898
and they have
a little abortion tribunal.
615
00:31:28,098 --> 00:31:32,298
And they vote on the baby
like it's survivor.
616
00:31:32,498 --> 00:31:34,298
And each girlfriend
puts in her two cents.
617
00:31:34,498 --> 00:31:35,531
And one girlfriend goes,
618
00:31:35,731 --> 00:31:36,931
"child, you should have that baby!
619
00:31:37,131 --> 00:31:41,699
That man got some good hair,
it's wavy, it's wavy!"
620
00:31:41,899 --> 00:31:43,065
And the other girlfriend goes,
621
00:31:43,265 --> 00:31:44,899
"child, why we even talking about this?
622
00:31:45,099 --> 00:31:46,666
"Ain't we supposed
to go to cancun next week?
623
00:31:46,866 --> 00:31:50,032
Get rid of that baby!"
624
00:31:50,232 --> 00:31:54,198
And that's how life
is decided in america.
625
00:31:54,398 --> 00:31:56,900
Now, fellas, if you get
a woman pregnant,
626
00:31:57,100 --> 00:31:59,700
you're only allowed to say two things.
627
00:31:59,900 --> 00:32:00,800
Two things!
628
00:32:01,000 --> 00:32:02,066
And guess what, fellas?
629
00:32:02,266 --> 00:32:04,667
You can't even suggest abortion.
630
00:32:04,867 --> 00:32:08,166
If you say, "a... ", you fucked up.
631
00:32:08,366 --> 00:32:10,333
You can't even suggest abortion.
632
00:32:10,533 --> 00:32:11,566
And guess what, guys?
633
00:32:11,766 --> 00:32:13,501
You don't wanna suggest abortion!
634
00:32:13,701 --> 00:32:15,301
Because if you suggest abortion,
635
00:32:15,501 --> 00:32:17,234
and then she has the baby,
636
00:32:17,434 --> 00:32:19,768
when that kid's
about five, six years old,
637
00:32:19,968 --> 00:32:22,467
he gonna be cursing your ass out!
638
00:32:22,667 --> 00:32:23,868
You go, "hey, what's up, little man?
639
00:32:24,068 --> 00:32:25,234
How you doing, man?"
640
00:32:25,434 --> 00:32:29,735
"I'm alive is how the fuck I'm doing!
641
00:32:31,668 --> 00:32:34,302
"You wanted me dead, huh, bitch?!
642
00:32:34,502 --> 00:32:36,535
"I'm alive, motherfucker!
643
00:32:36,735 --> 00:32:41,135
I should bust a cap
in your ass!"
644
00:32:43,102 --> 00:32:47,202
You don't need that drama,
so do not suggest abortion.
645
00:32:47,402 --> 00:32:50,169
Now, fellas,
if you get a woman pregnant,
646
00:32:50,369 --> 00:32:53,202
you've only got two things to say.
647
00:32:53,402 --> 00:32:55,603
Two ways to try it out.
648
00:32:55,803 --> 00:32:57,169
Now, the first thing you can say is,
649
00:32:57,369 --> 00:32:59,936
"wow, I can't believe you're pregnant!
650
00:33:00,136 --> 00:33:01,670
"I'm so happy!
651
00:33:01,870 --> 00:33:03,904
"I can't wait for you
to have this baby!
652
00:33:04,104 --> 00:33:06,904
I love you so much!"
653
00:33:07,104 --> 00:33:08,304
That's cool!
654
00:33:08,504 --> 00:33:09,604
Now, if you don't wanna say that,
655
00:33:09,804 --> 00:33:12,771
you got one more choice.
656
00:33:12,971 --> 00:33:16,904
A woman walks in the room,
tells you that she's pregnant,
657
00:33:17,104 --> 00:33:18,805
you look her dead in the eye,
658
00:33:19,005 --> 00:33:21,705
and you say,
659
00:33:21,905 --> 00:33:25,105
"so what you
gon' do?"
660
00:33:29,771 --> 00:33:34,572
Ha-ha-ha, oh, good, it ain't just me!
661
00:33:34,772 --> 00:33:37,539
Now, one thing I don't like
about america
662
00:33:37,739 --> 00:33:39,673
is we got real bad drug policies.
663
00:33:39,873 --> 00:33:41,105
We got a horrible drug policy, man.
664
00:33:41,305 --> 00:33:44,172
We got people in jail for getting high.
665
00:33:44,372 --> 00:33:47,639
For getting high, man!
That's fucked up, man!
666
00:33:47,839 --> 00:33:49,139
And the government always says,
667
00:33:49,339 --> 00:33:50,773
"drugs are illegal
because they're bad for you
668
00:33:50,973 --> 00:33:52,473
and we're trying to
protect society."
669
00:33:52,673 --> 00:33:55,206
But the government don't give
a fuck about your safety.
670
00:33:55,406 --> 00:33:56,707
They sell guns at wal-mart!
671
00:33:56,907 --> 00:33:58,874
They don't give a fuck about you.
672
00:33:59,074 --> 00:34:00,073
Shit!
673
00:34:00,273 --> 00:34:01,440
Nah, the government's like this,
674
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:02,840
the government-
675
00:34:03,040 --> 00:34:04,707
they don't want you to use your drugs,
676
00:34:04,907 --> 00:34:07,140
they want you to use their drugs.
677
00:34:07,340 --> 00:34:08,808
So every night on tv,
678
00:34:09,008 --> 00:34:10,908
you see a weird-ass drug commercial,
679
00:34:11,108 --> 00:34:14,641
trying to get you hooked
on some legal shit.
680
00:34:14,841 --> 00:34:16,541
And they just keep naming symptoms
681
00:34:16,741 --> 00:34:19,474
'til they get one
that you fucking got, okay?
682
00:34:19,674 --> 00:34:23,575
It's like, "are you sad?
Are you lonely?
683
00:34:23,775 --> 00:34:25,275
"You got athlete's foot?
684
00:34:25,475 --> 00:34:27,375
"Are you hot?
Are you cold?
685
00:34:27,575 --> 00:34:28,509
"What you got?
686
00:34:28,709 --> 00:34:30,475
"You want this pill, huh, motherfucker?
687
00:34:30,675 --> 00:34:32,942
You got to take this pill!"
688
00:34:33,142 --> 00:34:34,909
They don't even tell you
what the pill does!
689
00:34:35,109 --> 00:34:38,809
You see a lady on a horse
or a man in the tub,
690
00:34:39,009 --> 00:34:40,643
and they just keep naming symptoms.
691
00:34:40,843 --> 00:34:42,510
"Are you depressed?
Are you lonely?
692
00:34:42,710 --> 00:34:44,810
Do your teeth hurt?"
what the fuck?
693
00:34:45,010 --> 00:34:46,877
I saw a commercial
the other day that said,
694
00:34:47,077 --> 00:34:52,243
"do you go to bed at night
and wake up in the morning?"
695
00:34:52,443 --> 00:34:55,376
"Oh, shit!
They got one!
696
00:34:55,576 --> 00:34:57,411
"I got that!
I'm sick!
697
00:34:57,611 --> 00:35:01,977
I need that pill!"
698
00:35:02,177 --> 00:35:04,678
The government is trying
to get you hooked
699
00:35:04,878 --> 00:35:07,611
on some legal fucking shit!
700
00:35:07,811 --> 00:35:09,077
And that's the truth, man.
701
00:35:09,277 --> 00:35:12,377
Shit, the reason coke and weed
are illegal in america
702
00:35:12,577 --> 00:35:14,712
don't got shit to do with your safety.
703
00:35:14,912 --> 00:35:17,478
The reason coke and weed
are illegal in america
704
00:35:17,678 --> 00:35:22,845
is 'cause the best coke
and weed ain't made in america!
705
00:35:25,211 --> 00:35:27,512
If they made the good shit here,
706
00:35:27,712 --> 00:35:29,446
there'd be a coke and weed restaurant
707
00:35:29,646 --> 00:35:32,179
on every fucking corner!
708
00:35:32,379 --> 00:35:33,846
That's right.
709
00:35:34,046 --> 00:35:37,112
It wouldn't be no starbucks,
it would be weedbucks!
710
00:35:37,312 --> 00:35:38,246
Mcdonald's?
711
00:35:38,446 --> 00:35:40,546
Mccokeald's!
712
00:35:40,746 --> 00:35:42,313
"Uh, give me a happy meal
and an eight ball.
713
00:35:42,513 --> 00:35:45,012
Thank you."
714
00:35:45,212 --> 00:35:46,314
Krispy kreme's?
715
00:35:46,514 --> 00:35:49,614
Cracky kreme's!
716
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:51,980
Yo, that's how good
krispy kreme donuts are.
717
00:35:52,180 --> 00:35:54,080
Krispy kreme donuts are so good,
718
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,247
if I told you right now
they had crack in it,
719
00:35:56,447 --> 00:36:01,081
you'd go, "I knew something was up!
720
00:36:01,982 --> 00:36:03,214
"I knew!
721
00:36:03,414 --> 00:36:06,048
"These donuts are too damn good, man!
722
00:36:06,248 --> 00:36:08,048
"Got me knocking on the donut window
723
00:36:08,248 --> 00:36:10,048
"at 2 o'clock in the morning.
724
00:36:10,248 --> 00:36:12,048
"Come on, man!
Open up, man!
725
00:36:12,248 --> 00:36:15,214
"Give me one more donut!
I'll do anything!
726
00:36:15,414 --> 00:36:19,215
I'll suck your dick!"
727
00:36:24,282 --> 00:36:27,482
Yo, that should be
the new slogan for krispy kreme.
728
00:36:27,682 --> 00:36:33,282
"Krispy kreme, so good,
you'll suck a dick!"
729
00:36:36,450 --> 00:36:37,850
No, man.
730
00:36:38,050 --> 00:36:41,517
The government, they will never
legalize drugs in america.
731
00:36:41,717 --> 00:36:42,817
Okay, the first reason
732
00:36:43,017 --> 00:36:44,583
they will never legalize drugs
in america
733
00:36:44,783 --> 00:36:47,950
is because the government
makes way too much money
734
00:36:48,150 --> 00:36:51,351
putting our brothers and sisters
in fucking jail, okay?
735
00:36:51,551 --> 00:36:53,685
That's first of all, okay?
736
00:36:53,885 --> 00:36:55,418
For bullshit.
737
00:36:55,618 --> 00:36:57,351
The second reason the government
738
00:36:57,551 --> 00:36:59,885
will never legalize drugs in america
739
00:37:00,085 --> 00:37:01,184
is because, you know,
740
00:37:01,384 --> 00:37:05,284
god forbid some brown people
got wealthy!
741
00:37:05,484 --> 00:37:06,985
Can't have that.
742
00:37:07,185 --> 00:37:09,352
'Cause drugs come from brown countries.
743
00:37:09,552 --> 00:37:11,585
We can't have wealthy brown people.
744
00:37:11,785 --> 00:37:15,852
There are no wealthy black
or brown people in america.
745
00:37:16,052 --> 00:37:17,252
We got some rich ones.
746
00:37:17,452 --> 00:37:19,752
We don't got no fucking wealth.
747
00:37:19,952 --> 00:37:21,852
People go,
"well, what's the difference?"
748
00:37:22,052 --> 00:37:25,186
Here's the difference, shaq is rich.
749
00:37:25,386 --> 00:37:30,653
The white man that signs
his check is wealthy.
750
00:37:33,386 --> 00:37:35,353
"Ah, here you go, shaq.
751
00:37:35,553 --> 00:37:38,353
"Go buy yourself a bouncing car!
752
00:37:38,553 --> 00:37:42,721
Bling, bling!"
753
00:37:42,921 --> 00:37:47,020
I'm not talking about rich,
I'm taking about wealth, okay?
754
00:37:47,220 --> 00:37:48,554
I'm talking about the white family
755
00:37:48,754 --> 00:37:50,587
that owns all the fucking similac!
756
00:37:50,787 --> 00:37:52,554
Those rich motherfuckers, okay?
757
00:37:52,754 --> 00:37:54,120
I'm talking about the white family
758
00:37:54,320 --> 00:37:55,889
that owns the color blue!
759
00:37:56,089 --> 00:37:59,722
Those rich bastards, okay?
760
00:37:59,922 --> 00:38:01,355
I ain't talking about oprah!
761
00:38:01,555 --> 00:38:03,988
I'm talking about bill gates, okay?
762
00:38:04,188 --> 00:38:07,655
If bill gates woke up tomorrow
with oprah's money,
763
00:38:07,855 --> 00:38:11,722
he'd jump out a fucking window.
764
00:38:13,456 --> 00:38:15,623
He'd slit his throat on the way down.
765
00:38:15,823 --> 00:38:18,122
"Ah, shit!
766
00:38:18,322 --> 00:38:21,856
I can't even put gas
in my plane!"
767
00:38:22,056 --> 00:38:25,489
I'm not talking about rich,
I'm talking about wealth.
768
00:38:25,689 --> 00:38:28,924
'Cause wealth will set us
fucking free, okay?
769
00:38:29,124 --> 00:38:31,290
'Cause wealth is empowering,
770
00:38:31,490 --> 00:38:36,190
wealth can uplift communities
from po-ver-ty, okay?
771
00:38:36,390 --> 00:38:39,190
A white man gets wealthy,
he builds wal-marts
772
00:38:39,390 --> 00:38:42,490
and makes other white people
have some motherfucking money.
773
00:38:42,690 --> 00:38:43,824
A brother gets rich,
774
00:38:44,024 --> 00:38:45,925
he buys some motherfucking
jewelry, okay?
775
00:38:46,125 --> 00:38:48,792
Do you know what the fuck
I'm talking about?
776
00:38:48,992 --> 00:38:52,792
I ain't talking about rich,
I'm talking about wealth.
777
00:38:52,992 --> 00:38:56,158
Wealth is passed down
from generation to generation.
778
00:38:56,358 --> 00:38:58,425
You can't get rid of wealth!
779
00:38:58,625 --> 00:38:59,991
Rich is some shit you could lose
780
00:39:00,191 --> 00:39:03,926
with a crazy summer and a drug habit!
781
00:39:04,126 --> 00:39:08,025
Fuck, rick james was rich!
782
00:39:08,225 --> 00:39:09,726
One minute you're singing superfreak,
783
00:39:09,926 --> 00:39:13,526
the next minute, you're doing
old navy commerals!
784
00:39:13,726 --> 00:39:17,660
♪ Give it to me, baby ♪
give me corduroys!
785
00:39:20,627 --> 00:39:23,593
Not talking about rich,
I'm talking about wealth.
786
00:39:23,793 --> 00:39:25,226
Now, don't get me wrong!
787
00:39:25,426 --> 00:39:26,827
It's not all white people's fault
788
00:39:27,027 --> 00:39:31,226
that black and brown people
don't have any fucking wealth!
789
00:39:31,426 --> 00:39:34,194
Maybe, now just maybe,
790
00:39:34,394 --> 00:39:37,795
maybe, if we didn't spend
all our money on rims,
791
00:39:37,995 --> 00:39:43,428
we might have some to invest!
792
00:39:43,628 --> 00:39:48,127
We don't give a fuck, boy!
Black people, we love rims!
793
00:39:48,327 --> 00:39:52,462
We will put shiny ass rims
on any piece-of-shit car
794
00:39:52,662 --> 00:39:54,929
in the world!
We don't give a fuck!
795
00:39:55,129 --> 00:39:59,362
A brother will put rims on
a toaster if you let him!
796
00:39:59,562 --> 00:40:00,829
"Yo, man, I got some raisin toast
797
00:40:01,029 --> 00:40:03,395
"sitting on 22s, nigga!
798
00:40:03,595 --> 00:40:04,696
"22s!
799
00:40:04,896 --> 00:40:06,530
"Look at 'em, motherfucker!
Look at 'em!
800
00:40:06,730 --> 00:40:08,730
"And they spinning, nigga,
they spinning!
801
00:40:08,930 --> 00:40:10,697
"They spinning, nigga, they spinning!
802
00:40:10,897 --> 00:40:14,897
They spinning, nigga,
they spinning!"
803
00:40:15,097 --> 00:40:16,363
We don't give a fuck.
804
00:40:16,563 --> 00:40:18,630
Money is new to black people!
It's the new to us!
805
00:40:18,830 --> 00:40:20,697
We are the most
money-wasting motherfuckers
806
00:40:20,897 --> 00:40:22,531
on the face of the earth.
807
00:40:22,731 --> 00:40:26,464
We spend money like we think
the shit's gonna rot, okay?
808
00:40:26,664 --> 00:40:28,097
Brothers riding around with tvs
809
00:40:28,297 --> 00:40:30,264
in the headrests of the car.
810
00:40:30,464 --> 00:40:32,030
The tvs is on,
811
00:40:32,230 --> 00:40:36,364
and ain't nobody in the backseat.
812
00:40:39,099 --> 00:40:43,432
I ain't talking about rich,
I'm talking about wealth!
813
00:40:43,632 --> 00:40:46,398
Now, when it comes
to acquiring a fortune,
814
00:40:46,598 --> 00:40:47,998
when it comes to acquiring wealth
815
00:40:48,198 --> 00:40:49,732
in the united states of america,
816
00:40:49,932 --> 00:40:51,532
different people have gone about it
817
00:40:51,732 --> 00:40:53,565
in different ways, okay?
818
00:40:53,765 --> 00:40:55,399
Now, there's a saying about wealth.
819
00:40:55,599 --> 00:40:56,966
There's a saying about fortunes.
820
00:40:57,166 --> 00:40:58,466
And the saying is,
821
00:40:58,666 --> 00:41:01,333
"behind every great fortune
is a great crime."
822
00:41:01,533 --> 00:41:03,433
"Behind every great fortune
is a great crime."
823
00:41:03,633 --> 00:41:04,966
And there's some truth to that
'cause some of the richest,
824
00:41:05,166 --> 00:41:06,999
most powerful people
in the united states
825
00:41:07,199 --> 00:41:09,199
are the descendants of drug dealers.
826
00:41:09,399 --> 00:41:11,299
Your kennedys, your brothmans,
it's all drug money.
827
00:41:11,499 --> 00:41:12,834
They call it bootlegging,
828
00:41:13,034 --> 00:41:16,534
but that's just a white word
that means drug dealing, okay?
829
00:41:16,734 --> 00:41:18,100
They didn't sell boots.
830
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:21,267
They sold the crack of their day, okay?
831
00:41:21,467 --> 00:41:22,767
They killed cops and kids,
832
00:41:22,967 --> 00:41:24,267
and that's cool, good for them.
833
00:41:24,467 --> 00:41:29,768
Now... when it's time
for other people to come up
834
00:41:29,968 --> 00:41:31,368
and acquire wealth,
835
00:41:31,568 --> 00:41:33,168
you know, the rules change.
836
00:41:33,368 --> 00:41:35,802
And one of the number one
rules in america
837
00:41:36,002 --> 00:41:38,401
when it comes to acquiring
wealth goes like this,
838
00:41:38,601 --> 00:41:42,468
"only the white man
can profit from pain."
839
00:41:42,668 --> 00:41:45,502
"Only the white man
can profit from pain."
840
00:41:45,702 --> 00:41:48,235
So if you're black or brown,
you can make money in america.
841
00:41:48,435 --> 00:41:49,936
You can prosper in america,
842
00:41:50,136 --> 00:41:51,536
you can get rich in america.
843
00:41:51,736 --> 00:41:55,602
But whatever you decide to do,
it better be positive.
844
00:41:55,802 --> 00:41:57,302
Because if one person is harmed,
845
00:41:57,502 --> 00:42:00,670
you will be destroyed, okay?
846
00:42:00,870 --> 00:42:02,170
You ever watch oprah?
847
00:42:02,370 --> 00:42:03,537
Every now and then, oprah has a show
848
00:42:03,737 --> 00:42:05,437
where she's just giving away money!
849
00:42:05,637 --> 00:42:06,770
You know why?
850
00:42:06,970 --> 00:42:10,570
She's trying to keep the feds
off her back.
851
00:42:11,603 --> 00:42:14,970
"Only the white man
can profit from pain," okay?
852
00:42:15,170 --> 00:42:17,604
White man makes alcohol,
it tastes great.
853
00:42:17,804 --> 00:42:19,338
I love it, you love it, we all love it.
854
00:42:19,538 --> 00:42:23,137
Kills motherfuckers
every single day, okay?
855
00:42:23,337 --> 00:42:25,738
Some of y'all ain't even gonna
make it home tonight
856
00:42:25,938 --> 00:42:27,471
'cause of alcohol!
857
00:42:27,671 --> 00:42:28,638
You're gonna be driving home,
858
00:42:28,838 --> 00:42:30,271
"oh, man,
that chris rock sure is funny.
859
00:42:30,471 --> 00:42:32,271
Oh, shit!"
860
00:42:35,039 --> 00:42:38,405
But it's all right,
'cause it's all white.
861
00:42:40,272 --> 00:42:41,739
White man makes cigarettes.
862
00:42:41,939 --> 00:42:45,272
Cigarettes, the most dangerous
product known to man, okay?
863
00:42:45,472 --> 00:42:50,373
Kills motherfuckers every fucking day.
864
00:42:50,573 --> 00:42:52,006
Cigarettes are so dangerous,
865
00:42:52,206 --> 00:42:55,807
it kills motherfuckers
that don't smoke!
866
00:42:56,007 --> 00:42:58,406
That's how fucking dangerous
cigarettes are.
867
00:42:58,606 --> 00:42:59,707
That's right.
868
00:42:59,907 --> 00:43:01,707
But firsthand smoke, secondhand smoke.
869
00:43:01,907 --> 00:43:04,039
People talking out
of their necks into machines,
870
00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:06,541
like, "hey, what's up, man?
871
00:43:06,741 --> 00:43:10,507
I love cigarettes,
this shit is good!"
872
00:43:10,707 --> 00:43:14,107
But it's all right
'cause it's all white!
873
00:43:14,307 --> 00:43:17,140
Shit, could you imagine
if the philip morris family
874
00:43:17,340 --> 00:43:21,274
was a bunch of jheri curl niggas
from mississippi?
875
00:43:21,474 --> 00:43:25,475
Do you know how illegal
a pack of cigarettes would be?
876
00:43:25,675 --> 00:43:29,875
You would get 60 years
for a pack of newports!
877
00:43:30,075 --> 00:43:31,375
But it's all right...
878
00:43:31,575 --> 00:43:33,375
'Cause it's all white.
879
00:43:33,575 --> 00:43:35,208
That's right, the white man makes guns!
880
00:43:35,408 --> 00:43:36,475
Nobody gives a fuck.
881
00:43:36,675 --> 00:43:37,842
White man makes guns,
882
00:43:38,042 --> 00:43:39,543
kids shoot up each other in school,
883
00:43:39,743 --> 00:43:42,176
nobody gives a fuck.
White man makes guns?
884
00:43:42,376 --> 00:43:43,609
No problem.
885
00:43:43,809 --> 00:43:49,076
Black rapper says "gun"...
Congressional hearing.
886
00:43:55,410 --> 00:43:57,944
"Like, oh my god, that nigga said, gun!
887
00:43:58,144 --> 00:44:02,011
And he rhymed it with fun!"
888
00:44:04,443 --> 00:44:06,711
And that's why people
hate america, man.
889
00:44:06,911 --> 00:44:09,577
The hypocrisy about democracy, okay?
890
00:44:09,777 --> 00:44:11,878
That's why they hate america, okay?
891
00:44:12,078 --> 00:44:14,044
But, let me tell you, right now.
892
00:44:14,244 --> 00:44:16,645
The number one reason
people hate america,
893
00:44:16,845 --> 00:44:20,044
the number one reason
is because of our religion.
894
00:44:20,244 --> 00:44:23,645
Americans worship money.
895
00:44:23,845 --> 00:44:25,445
We worship money.
896
00:44:25,645 --> 00:44:28,479
Separate god from school,
separate god from work,
897
00:44:28,679 --> 00:44:30,212
separate god from government.
898
00:44:30,412 --> 00:44:33,546
But on your money,
it says, "in god we trust".
899
00:44:33,746 --> 00:44:35,279
All my life, I've been looking for god,
900
00:44:35,479 --> 00:44:38,646
and he's right in my pocket!
901
00:44:41,379 --> 00:44:43,880
Americans worship money!
902
00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:45,847
And we all go to the same church.
903
00:44:46,047 --> 00:44:48,880
The church of a.T.M.!
904
00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:52,113
And everywhere you look,
there's a new branch popping up,
905
00:44:52,313 --> 00:44:54,413
reminding you about
how much money you got
906
00:44:54,613 --> 00:44:56,814
and how much money you don't got.
907
00:44:57,014 --> 00:44:58,780
And if you've got less than $20,
908
00:44:58,980 --> 00:45:03,247
the machine won't even talk to you!
909
00:45:03,447 --> 00:45:07,781
The machine's, like,
"you better go see a teller."
910
00:45:07,981 --> 00:45:12,481
You ever go to a teller
and try to take out $8.50?
911
00:45:12,681 --> 00:45:14,614
Oh, it's disgusting!
912
00:45:14,814 --> 00:45:18,682
Oh, man, you gotta wait
on that long-ass line...
913
00:45:20,782 --> 00:45:23,682
People doing real transactions
in front of you.
914
00:45:23,882 --> 00:45:25,515
You get up to the fucking front.
915
00:45:25,715 --> 00:45:29,148
You fill out your forms,
8.50!
916
00:45:29,348 --> 00:45:31,015
The fucking teller looks at it,
917
00:45:31,215 --> 00:45:33,883
she looks at you,
she looks at the shit.
918
00:45:34,083 --> 00:45:35,783
She don't even take the money
out the drawer,
919
00:45:35,983 --> 00:45:37,049
she takes it out her pocket!
920
00:45:37,249 --> 00:45:41,683
"Here, get the fuck
outta here!"
921
00:45:43,150 --> 00:45:44,883
Now, here's the other thing, man.
922
00:45:45,083 --> 00:45:46,717
Drugs are illegal,
923
00:45:46,917 --> 00:45:50,184
but a.T.M. Machines
are open 24 hours a day.
924
00:45:50,384 --> 00:45:51,784
24 hours a day.
925
00:45:51,984 --> 00:45:54,884
For who?
Who the fuck is it open for?
926
00:45:55,084 --> 00:45:58,150
Have you ever taken out $300
927
00:45:58,350 --> 00:46:03,951
at four o'clock in the morning
for something positive?
928
00:46:09,785 --> 00:46:11,452
Shit, when you press that machine
929
00:46:11,652 --> 00:46:13,218
at four o'clock in the morning,
930
00:46:13,418 --> 00:46:15,485
I think a psychiatrist should
pop up on the screen,
931
00:46:15,685 --> 00:46:19,552
and go, "come on, man.
932
00:46:19,752 --> 00:46:22,553
"Save your money, man!
933
00:46:22,753 --> 00:46:26,152
Don't buy drugs,
buy some rims!"
934
00:46:26,352 --> 00:46:28,052
"They spinning, nigga, they spinning!
935
00:46:28,252 --> 00:46:29,753
"They spinning, nigga, they spinning!
936
00:46:29,953 --> 00:46:34,319
They spinning, nigga,
they spinning!"
937
00:46:34,519 --> 00:46:37,619
Americans worship money!
938
00:46:37,819 --> 00:46:40,520
Shit, you know why banks
are closed on sunday?
939
00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:45,087
Because if they wasn't,
church would be empty!
940
00:46:48,054 --> 00:46:49,520
Now, I love america, man.
941
00:46:49,720 --> 00:46:51,420
I must say, I love america.
942
00:46:51,620 --> 00:46:52,787
I got to say america
943
00:46:52,987 --> 00:46:56,288
is the greatest country
in the world, okay?
944
00:46:56,488 --> 00:46:59,455
It's the greatest country
in the world...
945
00:46:59,655 --> 00:47:01,388
In the whole world.
946
00:47:01,588 --> 00:47:03,588
It's the best place,
there's no place I'd rather be.
947
00:47:03,788 --> 00:47:05,154
There's no place I'd rather be from.
948
00:47:05,354 --> 00:47:07,121
And we are all lucky to be here.
949
00:47:07,321 --> 00:47:09,855
Everybody in this room,
lucky to be here.
950
00:47:10,055 --> 00:47:13,289
Even black people, lucky to be here.
951
00:47:13,489 --> 00:47:14,589
But if you're black,
952
00:47:14,789 --> 00:47:17,022
you gotta look at america
a little different.
953
00:47:17,222 --> 00:47:18,622
If you're black,
america's like the uncle
954
00:47:18,822 --> 00:47:21,189
that paid your way through college,
955
00:47:21,389 --> 00:47:24,622
but molested you.
956
00:47:30,957 --> 00:47:34,323
Oh, you gotta forgive, right?
You gotta forgive.
957
00:47:34,523 --> 00:47:36,390
What's the biggest issue
in america right now?
958
00:47:36,590 --> 00:47:38,990
The most divisive issue
in america right now
959
00:47:39,190 --> 00:47:41,924
is affirmative action.
960
00:47:42,124 --> 00:47:43,591
Now, a lot of people think
affirmative action
961
00:47:43,791 --> 00:47:45,057
got a lot to do with the '60s
962
00:47:45,257 --> 00:47:46,558
and the back of the bus
and separate lunch counters.
963
00:47:46,758 --> 00:47:48,057
No, no, no, no, no.
964
00:47:48,257 --> 00:47:49,725
When you see footage of the '60s,
965
00:47:49,925 --> 00:47:51,091
and you see black people,
966
00:47:51,291 --> 00:47:53,558
you see us getting sprayed down
and hosed down
967
00:47:53,758 --> 00:47:55,191
and dogs getting sicced on us
968
00:47:55,391 --> 00:47:57,524
and little girls getting
burnt up in churches.
969
00:47:57,724 --> 00:48:00,926
That's just white people being nice.
970
00:48:01,126 --> 00:48:05,592
Nicer than they was in the
'50s, '40s and '30s.
971
00:48:05,792 --> 00:48:08,625
Shit, there's black people
that died in the '30s,
972
00:48:08,825 --> 00:48:10,726
that was looking down
from heaven in the '60s going,
973
00:48:10,926 --> 00:48:14,225
"man, them niggas
got it good!"
974
00:48:16,660 --> 00:48:17,827
No, no, no!
975
00:48:18,027 --> 00:48:19,927
Affirmative action was put into place
976
00:48:20,127 --> 00:48:21,626
to put into place to offset policies
977
00:48:21,826 --> 00:48:23,259
that the united states government
978
00:48:23,459 --> 00:48:27,426
implemented during slavery
that affect us today.
979
00:48:27,626 --> 00:48:29,293
Now, when I talk about slavery...
980
00:48:29,493 --> 00:48:30,893
No, no, no... when I talk about slavery,
981
00:48:31,093 --> 00:48:32,494
I'm just talking about a period of time
982
00:48:32,694 --> 00:48:34,627
where black people had no rights.
983
00:48:34,827 --> 00:48:41,094
So you talk about
the 1600s to about 1964.
984
00:48:41,294 --> 00:48:42,627
You know, give or take a year,
985
00:48:42,827 --> 00:48:46,394
depending on when your town
decided to act right.
986
00:48:46,594 --> 00:48:47,961
Now, people go,
987
00:48:48,161 --> 00:48:50,095
"what happened during slavery
that could affect us today?
988
00:48:50,295 --> 00:48:52,562
What happened during slavery
that could affect us today?"
989
00:48:52,762 --> 00:48:54,228
A lot of shit happened during slavery
990
00:48:54,428 --> 00:48:56,428
that affects us every day.
991
00:48:56,628 --> 00:48:57,895
For instance during slavery,
992
00:48:58,095 --> 00:49:00,161
they used to take the biggest,
strongest slaves
993
00:49:00,361 --> 00:49:01,729
and breed them.
994
00:49:01,929 --> 00:49:06,329
And try their best to make
big, strong super slaves, okay?
995
00:49:06,529 --> 00:49:07,696
That's right, that's right.
996
00:49:07,896 --> 00:49:09,196
And there's evidence of that today.
997
00:49:09,396 --> 00:49:12,563
Like the nfl, for instance.
998
00:49:12,763 --> 00:49:17,029
That's right, nfl
stands for
"nigga fucking large".
999
00:49:17,229 --> 00:49:18,262
They bred the slaves,
1000
00:49:18,462 --> 00:49:19,930
and this is why black people dominate
1001
00:49:20,130 --> 00:49:21,831
every physical activity
1002
00:49:22,031 --> 00:49:24,931
in the united states of america, okay?
1003
00:49:25,131 --> 00:49:27,030
We're only 10% of the population.
1004
00:49:27,230 --> 00:49:29,430
We're 90% of the final four, okay?
1005
00:49:29,630 --> 00:49:34,497
We fucking dominate
all this shit, okay?
1006
00:49:34,697 --> 00:49:36,330
Basketball, baseball,
1007
00:49:36,530 --> 00:49:41,431
football, boxing, track,
even golf and tennis.
1008
00:49:41,631 --> 00:49:43,298
And as soon as they
make a heated hockey rink,
1009
00:49:43,498 --> 00:49:47,198
we're gonna take that shit too!
1010
00:49:55,599 --> 00:49:58,366
Mother fuck wayne gretzky!
1011
00:49:58,566 --> 00:50:01,666
Wait 'til you see lebron
on some skates.
1012
00:50:01,866 --> 00:50:04,132
You ain't seen shit yet!
1013
00:50:04,332 --> 00:50:06,466
He just gonna have one skate, chillin'.
1014
00:50:06,666 --> 00:50:08,466
"What's up?"
1015
00:50:08,666 --> 00:50:10,066
He ain't even gonna have a stick!
1016
00:50:10,266 --> 00:50:12,367
He's gonna smack
the puck with his dick!
1017
00:50:12,567 --> 00:50:13,934
Pow!
1018
00:50:17,500 --> 00:50:21,333
Slap shot, biatch!
1019
00:50:28,534 --> 00:50:32,134
So that's what they did
to the big, strong slaves.
1020
00:50:32,334 --> 00:50:34,568
And you know what they did
to the smart ones?
1021
00:50:34,768 --> 00:50:36,935
Or at least, the ones
they thought were smart?
1022
00:50:37,135 --> 00:50:41,101
They killed them, that's what they did.
1023
00:50:41,301 --> 00:50:42,501
That's right,
1024
00:50:42,701 --> 00:50:44,802
that was the policy
of the united states government,
1025
00:50:45,002 --> 00:50:48,369
to kill smart black people,
that's right.
1026
00:50:48,569 --> 00:50:49,769
So the real smart motherfuckers
1027
00:50:49,969 --> 00:50:52,068
had to hide the fact
that they were smart, okay?
1028
00:50:52,268 --> 00:50:55,736
The law of the land
was, "if you read, you die."
1029
00:50:55,936 --> 00:50:59,069
If you read, you fucking die, okay?
1030
00:50:59,269 --> 00:51:00,770
So you know what that means?
1031
00:51:00,970 --> 00:51:03,870
The first black drug dealers
didn't even sell drugs.
1032
00:51:04,070 --> 00:51:06,370
They sold books!
1033
00:51:06,570 --> 00:51:08,603
"Yo, man, I got two pages, man,
I got two pages, man.
1034
00:51:08,803 --> 00:51:09,737
"Check it out, man, check it out, man.
1035
00:51:09,937 --> 00:51:11,269
"I got two pages, man.
1036
00:51:11,469 --> 00:51:12,470
"Yo, man, yo, man,
I got a word, I got a word.
1037
00:51:12,670 --> 00:51:13,770
"Check it out, man.
1038
00:51:13,970 --> 00:51:15,504
"I got a new word, man,
I got a new word, man!
1039
00:51:15,704 --> 00:51:18,704
It's new, man,
it's new, man!"
1040
00:51:18,904 --> 00:51:21,037
So think about the poor slaves
that could read,
1041
00:51:21,237 --> 00:51:22,304
but had to hide it, man.
1042
00:51:22,504 --> 00:51:25,104
Think about the poor slaves
that could read,
1043
00:51:25,304 --> 00:51:27,404
but were scared
to teach their kids to read
1044
00:51:27,604 --> 00:51:29,804
for fear they'd be killing
their kids, man.
1045
00:51:30,004 --> 00:51:31,537
Think about the poor slave
1046
00:51:31,737 --> 00:51:34,238
that used to drive the buggy
into town every day, man.
1047
00:51:34,438 --> 00:51:35,939
He used to drive the buggy, man.
1048
00:51:36,139 --> 00:51:37,505
He's driving the buggy, driving
the buggy, driving the buggy.
1049
00:51:37,705 --> 00:51:39,405
He's driving the buggy, driving
the buggy, driving the buggy.
1050
00:51:39,605 --> 00:51:41,005
And he could read!
1051
00:51:41,205 --> 00:51:42,205
Driving the buggy, driving
the buggy, driving the buggy.
1052
00:51:42,405 --> 00:51:44,405
And, up ahead, he sees
a real busy intersection.
1053
00:51:44,605 --> 00:51:46,005
He's driving the buggy, driving
the buggy, driving the buggy.
1054
00:51:46,205 --> 00:51:47,605
Driving the buggy, driving
the buggy, driving the buggy.
1055
00:51:47,805 --> 00:51:51,073
And, then, he sees a stop sign.
1056
00:51:55,006 --> 00:51:58,106
Now, he's got a real dilemma.
1057
00:51:58,306 --> 00:52:04,874
"Oh, lord...
What is I gon' do?
1058
00:52:05,074 --> 00:52:09,440
"Oh, lord, what is I gon' do?
1059
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:12,941
"Okay, if I go across
this intersection,
1060
00:52:13,141 --> 00:52:15,607
"I'm a have an accident.
1061
00:52:15,807 --> 00:52:20,842
"If I stop at this sign,
these crackers will kill me.
1062
00:52:21,042 --> 00:52:24,608
Oh, lord,
what is I gon' do?"
1063
00:52:24,808 --> 00:52:26,008
And he don't know.
1064
00:52:26,208 --> 00:52:27,375
And he's riding the buggy
and he's riding the buggy.
1065
00:52:27,575 --> 00:52:29,108
And at the last minute,
he says, "fuck it."
1066
00:52:29,308 --> 00:52:30,541
He goes straight
through the intersection.
1067
00:52:30,741 --> 00:52:32,441
Has a big old accident, wipes out.
1068
00:52:34,008 --> 00:52:35,708
Wipes out!
Almost kills somebody!
1069
00:52:35,908 --> 00:52:37,242
And the police come.
1070
00:52:37,442 --> 00:52:39,109
"Nigga, what's wrong with you?
1071
00:52:39,309 --> 00:52:40,943
"Nigga, what the fuck
is wrong with you?
1072
00:52:41,143 --> 00:52:43,242
"You could have killed somebody, nigga!
1073
00:52:43,442 --> 00:52:45,042
You see the stop sign?"
1074
00:52:45,242 --> 00:52:47,876
"Oh, I don't know what
you talkin' 'bout, sir."
1075
00:52:48,076 --> 00:52:49,676
"Nigga, you see that stop sign?
1076
00:52:49,876 --> 00:52:51,642
That stop sign,
right there?!"
1077
00:52:51,842 --> 00:52:55,477
"Oh, do you mean
that octagon thing?"
1078
00:52:55,677 --> 00:53:00,476
"Nigga, who taught
you octagon?!"
1079
00:53:06,410 --> 00:53:08,043
Now, don't get me wrong
with affirmative action,
1080
00:53:08,243 --> 00:53:09,578
don't get me wrong, man.
1081
00:53:09,778 --> 00:53:12,244
I don't think I should get a job
over a white person
1082
00:53:12,444 --> 00:53:14,311
if I get a lower mark on a test.
1083
00:53:14,511 --> 00:53:16,111
I don't think I should
get accepted into a school
1084
00:53:16,311 --> 00:53:17,478
over a white person,
1085
00:53:17,678 --> 00:53:19,511
if I get a lower mark on a test.
1086
00:53:19,711 --> 00:53:21,277
But if there's a tie?
1087
00:53:21,477 --> 00:53:23,811
Fuck 'em!
1088
00:53:27,079 --> 00:53:32,645
Shit, you had a 400-year
head start, motherfucker!
1089
00:53:32,845 --> 00:53:36,879
White man, you gonna be all right!
1090
00:53:37,079 --> 00:53:38,412
You know, a lot of people say...
1091
00:53:38,612 --> 00:53:39,712
A lot of people say this shit too.
1092
00:53:39,912 --> 00:53:41,445
"If you're the smartest
and the brightest,
1093
00:53:41,645 --> 00:53:42,646
"you won't need affirmative action.
1094
00:53:42,846 --> 00:53:44,179
"We'll be able to get rid
of affirmative action,
1095
00:53:44,379 --> 00:53:45,446
"all together.
1096
00:53:45,646 --> 00:53:47,446
If you just strive to be
the smartest and the brightest."
1097
00:53:47,646 --> 00:53:49,413
They say that,
as if the whole country was run
1098
00:53:49,613 --> 00:53:50,913
by the smartest and the brightest.
1099
00:53:51,113 --> 00:53:52,313
Now, I was in black schools
and white schools,
1100
00:53:52,513 --> 00:53:54,146
so you can't
fucking tell me shit, okay?
1101
00:53:54,346 --> 00:53:58,313
Now, when you go to a class,
there are 30 kids in a class.
1102
00:53:58,513 --> 00:54:00,447
Five smart, five dumb,
1103
00:54:00,647 --> 00:54:03,047
and the rest, they're in the middle.
1104
00:54:03,247 --> 00:54:04,314
And that's just all america is,
1105
00:54:04,514 --> 00:54:06,547
a nation in the middle.
1106
00:54:06,747 --> 00:54:09,547
A nation of "b" and "c" students.
1107
00:54:09,747 --> 00:54:10,848
That's all the fuck it is.
1108
00:54:11,048 --> 00:54:13,447
A nation of "b" and "c" students.
1109
00:54:13,647 --> 00:54:15,949
But let's keep it fucking real, okay?
1110
00:54:16,149 --> 00:54:19,181
A black "c" student
can't run no fucking company.
1111
00:54:19,381 --> 00:54:20,415
A black "c" student
1112
00:54:20,615 --> 00:54:22,849
can't even be the manager
of burger king!
1113
00:54:23,049 --> 00:54:24,548
Meanwhile, the white "c" student
1114
00:54:24,748 --> 00:54:26,048
just happens to be...
1115
00:54:26,248 --> 00:54:29,448
The president of
the united states of america.
1116
00:54:42,583 --> 00:54:45,249
Now, other people got their
problems right now in america.
1117
00:54:45,449 --> 00:54:47,484
What's the other big issue
in america right now?
1118
00:54:47,684 --> 00:54:49,250
Gay marriage.
1119
00:54:49,450 --> 00:54:52,117
Should gays be allowed to marry?
1120
00:54:52,317 --> 00:54:53,350
You know what the beautiful thing
1121
00:54:53,550 --> 00:54:54,884
about the gay marriage issue,
1122
00:54:55,084 --> 00:54:59,083
it's the absolute only issue
that the president will answer.
1123
00:54:59,283 --> 00:55:01,650
The president don't give a fuck.
1124
00:55:01,850 --> 00:55:04,284
He will give you a straight
answer on gay marriage.
1125
00:55:04,484 --> 00:55:06,418
"Mr. President,
what about the war?
1126
00:55:06,618 --> 00:55:07,685
When's it gonna end?"
1127
00:55:07,885 --> 00:55:08,885
"Well, you never know,
we're talking to people
1128
00:55:09,085 --> 00:55:10,051
"and we're looking for stuff
1129
00:55:10,251 --> 00:55:11,351
"and we might find it and we might not.
1130
00:55:11,551 --> 00:55:12,451
"It's out there, we're gonna get it.
1131
00:55:12,651 --> 00:55:13,618
"You never know, how's it going?
1132
00:55:13,818 --> 00:55:15,585
Yeah!"
1133
00:55:15,785 --> 00:55:17,385
"Mr. President,
what about the economy?
1134
00:55:17,585 --> 00:55:18,585
When's it gonna pick up?"
1135
00:55:18,785 --> 00:55:19,785
"Well, you never know,
we're talking to people,
1136
00:55:19,985 --> 00:55:22,252
"and economic indicators
indicate that indications
1137
00:55:22,452 --> 00:55:24,686
"are coming to the indicator,
you know what I'm saying?
1138
00:55:24,886 --> 00:55:26,319
All right."
1139
00:55:26,519 --> 00:55:28,185
"Mr. President,
what about gay marriage?"
1140
00:55:28,385 --> 00:55:31,186
"Fuck them faggots!"
1141
00:55:34,586 --> 00:55:38,387
Damn!
That's some harsh shit!
1142
00:55:38,587 --> 00:55:40,487
People always say
we can't have gay marriage,
1143
00:55:40,687 --> 00:55:43,086
because marriage
is a sacred institution
1144
00:55:43,286 --> 00:55:45,854
that happens in the church,
it's sacred!
1145
00:55:46,054 --> 00:55:48,820
No it's not, marriage ain't sacred!
1146
00:55:49,020 --> 00:55:50,353
Not in america!
1147
00:55:50,553 --> 00:55:51,620
Not in a country that watches
1148
00:55:51,820 --> 00:55:53,521
who wants to marry a millionaire
1149
00:55:53,721 --> 00:55:55,955
and the bachelor and the bachelorette!
1150
00:55:56,155 --> 00:55:57,921
And who wants to marry a midget!
1151
00:55:58,121 --> 00:56:01,287
Get the fuck outta here!
1152
00:56:01,487 --> 00:56:05,921
Shit, gay people
got a right to be as miserable
1153
00:56:06,121 --> 00:56:09,889
as everybody else!
1154
00:56:10,089 --> 00:56:12,522
Get the fuck outta here!
1155
00:56:12,722 --> 00:56:13,722
Michael jackson got married.
1156
00:56:13,922 --> 00:56:17,188
How fucking sacred is that shit?
1157
00:56:17,388 --> 00:56:21,655
But I'm married, I'm married,
it's a beautiful thing, man.
1158
00:56:21,855 --> 00:56:22,856
I'm married.
1159
00:56:23,056 --> 00:56:24,222
And I don't cheat, I don't cheat.
1160
00:56:24,422 --> 00:56:27,423
I don't, no.
1161
00:56:27,623 --> 00:56:31,023
Not because I'm a great husband
1162
00:56:31,223 --> 00:56:35,123
just 'cause I'm tired
of getting caught.
1163
00:56:35,323 --> 00:56:39,456
You gotta put the girls in
the mistress protection program.
1164
00:56:39,656 --> 00:56:42,157
"All right, from now on,
your name is carol, okay?
1165
00:56:42,357 --> 00:56:44,557
"If anybody calls you lisa,
you ignore them.
1166
00:56:44,757 --> 00:56:45,557
Okay, lisa?"
1167
00:56:45,757 --> 00:56:46,657
"Okay."
1168
00:56:46,857 --> 00:56:49,657
"Bitch, you gonna get us killed!
1169
00:56:49,857 --> 00:56:51,958
"The fuck is wrong with you?
1170
00:56:52,158 --> 00:56:55,090
You won't last five minutes
on the streets!"
1171
00:56:55,290 --> 00:56:57,057
No, I don't cheat, man, I don't cheat.
1172
00:56:57,257 --> 00:56:58,759
Another big reason
I don't cheat is 'cause
1173
00:56:58,959 --> 00:57:02,658
I never really meet any girls
that wanna fuck me.
1174
00:57:02,858 --> 00:57:04,058
I'm just not that celebrity.
1175
00:57:04,258 --> 00:57:06,392
I don't bring it out of them like that.
1176
00:57:06,592 --> 00:57:07,959
Like women see denzel washington,
1177
00:57:08,159 --> 00:57:11,125
they go,
"I'm gonna fuck him!"
1178
00:57:11,325 --> 00:57:14,926
They start kicking off shoes
as soon as they see his ass.
1179
00:57:15,126 --> 00:57:17,393
Women see me?
1180
00:57:17,593 --> 00:57:20,026
Occasionally, they wanna fuck me.
1181
00:57:20,226 --> 00:57:21,726
But when women see me
and they wanna fuck me,
1182
00:57:21,926 --> 00:57:23,593
they get real practical about it.
1183
00:57:23,793 --> 00:57:25,026
Women go, "you know what?
1184
00:57:25,226 --> 00:57:26,693
"I bet you if I fuck chris rock,
1185
00:57:26,893 --> 00:57:31,394
I could get him to pay
my visa bill."
1186
00:57:31,594 --> 00:57:36,093
I have paid so many
college loans in my day.
1187
00:57:36,293 --> 00:57:37,827
I have put more girls through school
1188
00:57:38,027 --> 00:57:41,994
than the united negro college fund!
1189
00:57:45,260 --> 00:57:50,028
Shit, I should have
my own dorm at howard.
1190
00:57:54,861 --> 00:57:57,962
And this is the chris rock cafeteria!
1191
00:57:58,162 --> 00:58:01,528
Chris loves sloppy joes!
1192
00:58:01,728 --> 00:58:03,496
Ha-ha-ha!
1193
00:58:03,696 --> 00:58:04,763
Yes, I'm married, I'm married,
1194
00:58:04,963 --> 00:58:08,462
and bored out of my fucking mind!
1195
00:58:08,662 --> 00:58:11,763
But it's a beautiful thing,
it's a beautiful thing.
1196
00:58:11,963 --> 00:58:13,162
If you're in a good relationship,
1197
00:58:13,362 --> 00:58:16,529
chances are, you're bored
out of your fucking mind!
1198
00:58:16,729 --> 00:58:18,029
All good relationships are boring.
1199
00:58:18,229 --> 00:58:22,830
The only exciting relationships
are bad ones.
1200
00:58:23,030 --> 00:58:24,964
You never know
what's gonna happen tomorrow
1201
00:58:25,164 --> 00:58:28,063
when you're in a bad relationship.
1202
00:58:28,263 --> 00:58:29,530
You never know when you're gonna
walk through the door,
1203
00:58:29,730 --> 00:58:33,630
and go, "hey, you gave me crabs!
1204
00:58:33,830 --> 00:58:36,097
"That's exciting!
1205
00:58:36,297 --> 00:58:39,698
I wonder what tomorrow's
gonna bring!"
1206
00:58:39,898 --> 00:58:42,231
And those are the choices
you got in life, man.
1207
00:58:42,431 --> 00:58:45,965
You can be married and bored
or single and lonely.
1208
00:58:46,165 --> 00:58:49,331
Ain't no happiness nowhere!
1209
00:58:49,531 --> 00:58:52,565
Married and bored or single and lonely.
1210
00:58:52,765 --> 00:58:53,699
That's right, that's right.
1211
00:58:53,899 --> 00:58:56,465
And marriage is some boring-ass shit.
1212
00:58:56,665 --> 00:58:57,832
'Cause once you get married,
1213
00:58:58,032 --> 00:58:59,766
you gotta hang around
other married people,
1214
00:58:59,966 --> 00:59:03,065
and that's just disgusting.
1215
00:59:03,265 --> 00:59:07,732
You ever go to dinner
with six neutered adults?
1216
00:59:07,932 --> 00:59:10,833
A bunch of women talking
about diaper genies
1217
00:59:11,033 --> 00:59:12,733
and hair coloring?
1218
00:59:12,933 --> 00:59:14,566
"You know, if you leave it
in too long, it stings."
1219
00:59:14,766 --> 00:59:17,400
Shut the fuck up!
1220
00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:21,566
A bunch of men talking about
barbecue grills
1221
00:59:21,766 --> 00:59:23,266
and routes to work.
1222
00:59:23,466 --> 00:59:24,700
"You know, sometimes,
I take the highway.
1223
00:59:24,900 --> 00:59:25,834
"But if it's backed up,
1224
00:59:26,034 --> 00:59:27,434
"I got some side streets
I like to take.
1225
00:59:27,634 --> 00:59:29,267
"They get me there in half the time.
1226
00:59:29,467 --> 00:59:30,434
"Yeah, you should check it out.
1227
00:59:30,634 --> 00:59:32,234
I-95 is clear sometimes."
1228
00:59:32,434 --> 00:59:37,100
Shut the fuck up!
I hate married people!
1229
00:59:37,300 --> 00:59:39,701
It's fucking disgusting!
1230
00:59:39,901 --> 00:59:42,301
If you go to eat dinner
with single people,
1231
00:59:42,501 --> 00:59:45,235
single people
eat for an hour and 30 minutes
1232
00:59:45,435 --> 00:59:49,335
and leave 'cause they got
fucking to do!
1233
00:59:49,535 --> 00:59:53,568
Married people close down a restaurant.
1234
00:59:53,768 --> 00:59:57,035
They start ordering coffee
and dessert...
1235
00:59:57,235 --> 00:59:58,703
Start talking to the architect.
1236
00:59:58,903 --> 01:00:00,770
"I like the thing you put right there!
1237
01:00:00,970 --> 01:00:01,970
And the thing!"
1238
01:00:02,170 --> 01:00:03,336
Start talking to the cook.
1239
01:00:03,536 --> 01:00:04,603
"What's in the tea?"
1240
01:00:04,803 --> 01:00:06,903
"Water, bitch!"
1241
01:00:10,669 --> 01:00:11,669
"Hurry up!
1242
01:00:11,869 --> 01:00:14,170
"We got a lot of not fucking to do!
1243
01:00:14,370 --> 01:00:18,170
If you hurry up,
we can not fuck all night!"
1244
01:00:18,370 --> 01:00:20,871
Oh, I hate married fucking people, man!
1245
01:00:21,071 --> 01:00:22,303
And, fellas, once you get married,
1246
01:00:22,503 --> 01:00:26,570
you become your wife's pet,
you become a fucking pet.
1247
01:00:26,770 --> 01:00:28,837
'Cause women like to get
their husbands together
1248
01:00:29,037 --> 01:00:30,905
that don't even know each other,
1249
01:00:31,105 --> 01:00:35,204
and have like a grown man play date.
1250
01:00:35,404 --> 01:00:38,071
Put you in a room with
some other married motherfucker,
1251
01:00:38,271 --> 01:00:43,872
and go, "he likes baseball,
just like you!"
1252
01:00:44,072 --> 01:00:46,371
And you're in some room
with some fucking stranger,
1253
01:00:46,571 --> 01:00:49,039
going, "I like baseball!"
1254
01:00:49,239 --> 01:00:51,305
"I like baseball too!"
1255
01:00:51,505 --> 01:00:53,572
"Yeah!
Yeah, baseball's good."
1256
01:00:53,772 --> 01:00:54,906
"Yeah, yeah.
1257
01:00:55,106 --> 01:00:57,339
"Honey, who the fuck is this?
1258
01:00:57,539 --> 01:01:00,039
"Get me the fuck outta here,
I don't need no new friends.
1259
01:01:00,239 --> 01:01:05,273
If you wanna help me out,
introduce me to a girl!"
1260
01:01:09,506 --> 01:01:11,140
I hate married people, man!
1261
01:01:11,340 --> 01:01:13,140
Whenever I go out
with other married couples,
1262
01:01:13,340 --> 01:01:17,206
I like to bring along
a single crackhead,
1263
01:01:17,406 --> 01:01:19,875
just to spicen up the activities.
1264
01:01:20,075 --> 01:01:24,175
"Come on, tell us some of
your cracky tales, please!"
1265
01:01:27,841 --> 01:01:31,775
Married and bored, single and lonely.
1266
01:01:31,975 --> 01:01:33,241
See, the problem with relationships
1267
01:01:33,441 --> 01:01:35,809
is people want too much, man,
people want too much.
1268
01:01:36,009 --> 01:01:37,575
Everybody's looking for a soul mate.
1269
01:01:37,775 --> 01:01:40,442
"A soul mate, we're soul mates,
we're one!
1270
01:01:40,642 --> 01:01:41,475
"We're soul mates.
1271
01:01:41,675 --> 01:01:43,475
"I'm a pisces, he's aquarius!
1272
01:01:43,675 --> 01:01:45,876
"We're perfect!
We're soul mates!
1273
01:01:46,076 --> 01:01:47,609
"It's incredible, it's incred...
1274
01:01:47,809 --> 01:01:49,009
"his moon is my star!
1275
01:01:49,209 --> 01:01:51,542
"And he's a soul mate,
we're soul mates!
1276
01:01:51,742 --> 01:01:52,943
"And we complete each other
1277
01:01:53,143 --> 01:01:54,376
"and we finish each other's sentences.
1278
01:01:54,576 --> 01:01:55,676
"And the other day, it was raining,
1279
01:01:55,876 --> 01:01:57,176
"and I said, 'honey, it's
getting ready to rain,'
1280
01:01:57,376 --> 01:01:58,810
"and he said rain too!
1281
01:01:59,010 --> 01:02:01,810
"It's amazing!
It's like we're telekineezic!
1282
01:02:02,010 --> 01:02:05,943
We're telekineezic!
It's incredible, my god!"
1283
01:02:06,143 --> 01:02:09,444
Nobody gets a soul mate-
it don't happen.
1284
01:02:09,644 --> 01:02:13,344
All you're gonna get in life,
if you're lucky, is a mate.
1285
01:02:13,544 --> 01:02:15,511
Just a mate!
1286
01:02:15,711 --> 01:02:18,344
Somebody to fuck
and go to the movies with.
1287
01:02:18,544 --> 01:02:20,044
You fuck, go to another movie.
1288
01:02:20,244 --> 01:02:21,944
You fuck, go to the comedy show.
1289
01:02:22,144 --> 01:02:24,110
You fuck, go to your grandmama's house.
1290
01:02:24,310 --> 01:02:25,879
You fuck, you go to your mama's house.
1291
01:02:26,079 --> 01:02:27,612
You fuck, you go see another movie.
1292
01:02:27,812 --> 01:02:29,745
And somewhere in between
fucking and movies,
1293
01:02:29,945 --> 01:02:34,545
he goes, "you wanna
get something to eat?"
1294
01:02:34,745 --> 01:02:36,245
And that's all relationships are!
1295
01:02:36,445 --> 01:02:37,545
They ain't that complicated!
1296
01:02:37,745 --> 01:02:39,378
It's just fucking and eating!
1297
01:02:39,578 --> 01:02:41,112
And if you don't like fucking somebody,
1298
01:02:41,312 --> 01:02:42,513
and you don't like eating with him,
1299
01:02:42,713 --> 01:02:45,646
y'all don't need to be together!
1300
01:02:45,846 --> 01:02:47,813
And the longer you're with somebody,
1301
01:02:48,013 --> 01:02:52,079
it's more eating and less fucking!
1302
01:02:52,279 --> 01:02:54,813
Shit, you don't even remember
the last time you fucked!
1303
01:02:55,013 --> 01:03:00,714
But you know you had
rice and beans on wednesday!
1304
01:03:00,914 --> 01:03:02,914
You never gonna get a soul mate!
1305
01:03:03,114 --> 01:03:04,947
You're never gonna meet
the perfect person.
1306
01:03:05,147 --> 01:03:06,313
You're never gonna meet somebody
1307
01:03:06,513 --> 01:03:08,447
that loves seinfeld
and the wu-tang clan!
1308
01:03:08,647 --> 01:03:12,180
It ain't happening!
It ain't happening!
1309
01:03:12,380 --> 01:03:14,748
And even if you meet
the perfect person,
1310
01:03:14,948 --> 01:03:16,648
it ain't gonna be the perfect time.
1311
01:03:16,848 --> 01:03:19,815
You're married, they're single.
1312
01:03:20,015 --> 01:03:20,948
That's right.
1313
01:03:21,148 --> 01:03:24,214
You're jewish, they're palestinian.
1314
01:03:24,414 --> 01:03:27,348
You're mexican, they're a raccoon.
1315
01:03:27,548 --> 01:03:32,149
You're a black woman, he's a black man.
1316
01:03:36,415 --> 01:03:41,049
There's always an obstacle in the way.
1317
01:03:41,249 --> 01:03:43,849
You never gonna
meet the perfect person.
1318
01:03:44,049 --> 01:03:46,850
It's never gonna happen for you, okay?
1319
01:03:47,050 --> 01:03:48,116
Every now and then,
1320
01:03:48,316 --> 01:03:50,784
god likes to play
practical jokes on people.
1321
01:03:50,984 --> 01:03:51,751
That's right.
1322
01:03:51,951 --> 01:03:53,450
God will send you on a double date
1323
01:03:53,650 --> 01:03:55,850
with the perfect couple.
1324
01:03:56,050 --> 01:03:58,050
You ever been out
with the perfect couple?
1325
01:03:58,250 --> 01:04:00,683
You ever made the mistake of
going on a double date
1326
01:04:00,883 --> 01:04:03,117
with a couple that's actually in love?
1327
01:04:03,317 --> 01:04:07,718
You're in the middle of
your bullshit relationship,
1328
01:04:07,918 --> 01:04:10,651
and you actually sit down
with two people that's in love.
1329
01:04:10,851 --> 01:04:12,785
You can't even eat your food
1330
01:04:12,985 --> 01:04:17,184
because you can't believe what
the fuck you are witnessing.
1331
01:04:17,384 --> 01:04:21,185
You got a fork in your hand,
you're like, "oh, shit!
1332
01:04:21,385 --> 01:04:25,085
"He's really listening
to what she got to say!
1333
01:04:25,285 --> 01:04:28,986
"Wow, they really like
being around each other!
1334
01:04:29,186 --> 01:04:31,452
"Man, we can't hang with them no more!
1335
01:04:31,652 --> 01:04:35,353
They gonna break us up!"
1336
01:04:35,553 --> 01:04:38,720
You can't let these happy
motherfuckers fuck up my life!
1337
01:04:38,920 --> 01:04:40,353
No way!
1338
01:04:40,553 --> 01:04:43,386
See the thing, man,
men, we are ill-prepared
1339
01:04:43,586 --> 01:04:46,753
when it comes to relationships,
we are ill-prepared, man,
1340
01:04:46,953 --> 01:04:48,219
that's right.
1341
01:04:48,419 --> 01:04:50,353
You would think by now,
women would rule the world.
1342
01:04:50,553 --> 01:04:52,387
You would think women
would rule the world.
1343
01:04:52,587 --> 01:04:54,754
But they don't!
They don't!
1344
01:04:54,954 --> 01:04:56,721
You know why?
1345
01:04:56,921 --> 01:05:00,387
Because women hate women.
1346
01:05:00,587 --> 01:05:03,821
Women hate women!
1347
01:05:04,021 --> 01:05:05,454
You do!
1348
01:05:05,654 --> 01:05:07,555
And you get any two girlfriends
in this room,
1349
01:05:07,755 --> 01:05:09,755
been girlfriends for 25 years,
1350
01:05:09,955 --> 01:05:11,088
you put a man in between them?
1351
01:05:11,288 --> 01:05:14,688
"Fuck that bitch!
Fuck that bitch!"
1352
01:05:14,888 --> 01:05:18,155
Women hate women,
guys are not like that.
1353
01:05:18,355 --> 01:05:22,155
Guys actually think
there's other fish in the sea.
1354
01:05:22,355 --> 01:05:26,256
If a guy introduces his boy
to his new girlfriend,
1355
01:05:26,456 --> 01:05:27,589
when they walk away,
1356
01:05:27,789 --> 01:05:30,222
his boy goes, "oh, man, she's nice.
1357
01:05:30,422 --> 01:05:34,889
I gotta get me a girl
like that."
1358
01:05:36,589 --> 01:05:41,457
If a woman introduces
her new man to her girlfriend,
1359
01:05:41,657 --> 01:05:43,024
when they walk away,
1360
01:05:43,224 --> 01:05:47,690
her girlfriend goes, "I gotta get him!
1361
01:05:47,890 --> 01:05:54,357
And I will slit that
bitch's throat to do it!"
1362
01:05:54,557 --> 01:05:56,257
Shit, every woman in here
got a girlfriend
1363
01:05:56,457 --> 01:05:58,591
they don't trust around their man!
1364
01:05:58,791 --> 01:05:59,992
A good girlfriend too!
1365
01:06:00,192 --> 01:06:01,291
Like, "yeah, I'll go shopping with her.
1366
01:06:01,491 --> 01:06:02,558
"But I ain't gonna leave
that bitch with my man
1367
01:06:02,758 --> 01:06:05,892
for five minutes, no."
1368
01:06:06,092 --> 01:06:09,358
I remember one time, one time,
I was at a restaurant.
1369
01:06:09,558 --> 01:06:12,926
Me, my wife, her girlfriend.
1370
01:06:13,126 --> 01:06:15,526
My wife said,
"I'm going to the bathroom."
1371
01:06:15,726 --> 01:06:17,426
I said, "okay, honey,
I'll see you when I get back."
1372
01:06:17,626 --> 01:06:20,459
She said,
"no, you come with me!"
1373
01:06:20,659 --> 01:06:24,793
And she made me come with her
to the bathroom!
1374
01:06:24,993 --> 01:06:25,993
And she did the right thing!
1375
01:06:26,193 --> 01:06:26,993
Because I'd have fucked her girl.
1376
01:06:27,193 --> 01:06:30,194
I'd have fucked her.
1377
01:06:34,927 --> 01:06:36,760
I'd have fucked her on a quesadilla!
1378
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:38,827
I didn't give a fuck!
1379
01:06:41,893 --> 01:06:46,461
Oh, man, that's right.
1380
01:06:46,661 --> 01:06:50,694
Married and bored, single and lonely.
1381
01:06:50,894 --> 01:06:51,761
That's right, guys.
1382
01:06:51,961 --> 01:06:53,261
And here's the thing, man-
1383
01:06:53,461 --> 01:06:55,694
when you're married,
you wanna kill your spouse.
1384
01:06:55,894 --> 01:06:59,561
When you're single,
you wanna kill yourself.
1385
01:06:59,761 --> 01:07:02,362
Better her than me!
1386
01:07:02,562 --> 01:07:06,162
And anybody in this room
that's ever been in love
1387
01:07:06,362 --> 01:07:08,029
will testify to this shit.
1388
01:07:08,229 --> 01:07:10,595
If you haven't contemplated murder,
1389
01:07:10,795 --> 01:07:13,929
you ain't been in love.
1390
01:07:14,129 --> 01:07:16,228
If you haven't seriously thought about
1391
01:07:16,428 --> 01:07:19,229
killing a motherfucker,
you ain't been in love.
1392
01:07:19,429 --> 01:07:22,196
If you haven't had a can
of rat poison in your hand,
1393
01:07:22,396 --> 01:07:25,596
and looked at it
for 45 minutes straight,
1394
01:07:25,796 --> 01:07:27,463
you ain't been in love.
1395
01:07:27,663 --> 01:07:31,196
If you haven't bought
a shovel and a bag and a rug
1396
01:07:31,396 --> 01:07:34,564
to roll their ass up in,
you ain't been in love.
1397
01:07:34,764 --> 01:07:36,798
If you haven't practiced your alibi
1398
01:07:36,998 --> 01:07:39,364
in front of the mirror,
1399
01:07:39,564 --> 01:07:41,097
you ain't been in love.
1400
01:07:41,297 --> 01:07:42,798
And the only thing that's stopped you
1401
01:07:42,998 --> 01:07:48,231
from killing this motherfucker
was an episode of c.S.I.!
1402
01:07:54,932 --> 01:07:57,331
"Oh, man, they thorough.
1403
01:07:57,531 --> 01:08:00,665
I better make up,
they might catch my ass."
1404
01:08:00,865 --> 01:08:01,799
That's right, man.
1405
01:08:01,999 --> 01:08:03,498
See, relationships are hard, man.
1406
01:08:03,698 --> 01:08:05,932
But in order
for any relationship to work,
1407
01:08:06,132 --> 01:08:08,666
both people have to be
on the same page.
1408
01:08:08,866 --> 01:08:10,900
Both people
have to have the same focus.
1409
01:08:11,100 --> 01:08:12,066
That's right.
1410
01:08:12,266 --> 01:08:13,232
And we all know what that page is.
1411
01:08:13,432 --> 01:08:14,966
We all know what that focus is.
1412
01:08:15,166 --> 01:08:16,366
In order for the relationship to work,
1413
01:08:16,566 --> 01:08:18,266
both people oughta have the same focus.
1414
01:08:18,466 --> 01:08:19,266
And what's that focus?
1415
01:08:19,466 --> 01:08:23,400
The focus is all about her,
1416
01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:26,300
it's all about her!
1417
01:08:26,500 --> 01:08:28,034
She's already there, fellas,
1418
01:08:28,234 --> 01:08:30,901
she's waiting for you to come aboard!
1419
01:08:31,101 --> 01:08:33,167
Fellas, when you
wake up in the morning,
1420
01:08:33,367 --> 01:08:35,100
you should look yourself in the mirror,
1421
01:08:35,300 --> 01:08:38,867
and say, "fuck you!
1422
01:08:39,067 --> 01:08:40,868
"Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams,
1423
01:08:41,068 --> 01:08:42,468
"fuck your plans,
1424
01:08:42,668 --> 01:08:45,601
fuck everything you thought
this life was gonna bring you."
1425
01:08:45,801 --> 01:08:50,068
Now, let's go out there and try
to make this bitch happy!
1426
01:08:58,636 --> 01:09:02,869
Yes!
It's all about her, fellas!
1427
01:09:03,069 --> 01:09:05,702
Say yes to everything, everything.
1428
01:09:05,902 --> 01:09:09,302
Everything you could afford,
say yes to.
1429
01:09:09,502 --> 01:09:11,003
Just say yes.
1430
01:09:11,203 --> 01:09:13,136
Before she even gets it
out of her fucking mouth,
1431
01:09:13,336 --> 01:09:14,403
"honey, can...
Yes."
1432
01:09:14,603 --> 01:09:16,336
"Honey, I wanna... yes.
Honey, how about... yes."
1433
01:09:16,536 --> 01:09:17,503
Just get a stamp.
1434
01:09:17,703 --> 01:09:19,837
"Yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes!"
1435
01:09:20,037 --> 01:09:21,136
Another thing, fellas-
1436
01:09:21,336 --> 01:09:25,103
don't argue, you cannot win.
1437
01:09:25,303 --> 01:09:27,937
You cannot beat a woman in an argument.
1438
01:09:28,137 --> 01:09:30,438
It's impossible, you will not win.
1439
01:09:30,638 --> 01:09:34,071
'Cause, men, we are handicapped
when it comes to arguing,
1440
01:09:34,271 --> 01:09:38,537
'cause we have a need to make sense.
1441
01:09:49,372 --> 01:09:50,972
Women ain't gonna
let a little thing like sense
1442
01:09:51,172 --> 01:09:53,605
fuck up their argument!
1443
01:09:53,805 --> 01:09:55,006
Because she's not in it for sense.
1444
01:09:55,206 --> 01:09:58,739
She's in it
for distance and irritation.
1445
01:09:58,939 --> 01:10:03,273
"How long could I talk before
this motherfucker snaps?"
1446
01:10:03,473 --> 01:10:05,640
They want you
to shake the shit outta them,
1447
01:10:05,840 --> 01:10:07,273
until you hear the cops coming.
1448
01:10:07,473 --> 01:10:09,206
"Motherfucker, I'm serious!
Motherfucker, what the fuck?!"
1449
01:10:09,406 --> 01:10:11,640
"Oh shit,
let me get the fuck out!"
1450
01:10:17,373 --> 01:10:18,407
That's right.
1451
01:10:18,607 --> 01:10:21,808
And like I said,
try your best to make her happy.
1452
01:10:22,008 --> 01:10:23,374
Try your best!
1453
01:10:23,574 --> 01:10:25,107
But here's one thing nobody tells you,
1454
01:10:25,307 --> 01:10:29,908
you can't make a woman happy!
It's impossible!
1455
01:10:30,108 --> 01:10:33,074
I've never met
a happy woman in my life.
1456
01:10:33,274 --> 01:10:35,608
Women always complaining
about something.
1457
01:10:35,808 --> 01:10:37,009
Shit, women like to complain.
1458
01:10:37,209 --> 01:10:39,809
Women save up shit to complain about.
1459
01:10:40,009 --> 01:10:41,208
"Oh, he don't even know I know,
1460
01:10:41,408 --> 01:10:45,308
but I'm gonna get his ass
on that shit next month!"
1461
01:10:47,575 --> 01:10:50,810
They like fucking complaining!
They love it!
1462
01:10:51,010 --> 01:10:52,810
No matter what you do, she'll be mad.
1463
01:10:53,010 --> 01:10:55,342
You could fuck a woman
with a diamond dick
1464
01:10:55,542 --> 01:10:58,876
and make her come 10 times,
she'll still complain.
1465
01:10:59,076 --> 01:11:02,609
"Why you made me come so hard?
1466
01:11:02,809 --> 01:11:05,709
"This diamond dick is cloudy.
1467
01:11:05,909 --> 01:11:07,011
"Why don't you go to tiffany's?
1468
01:11:07,211 --> 01:11:09,377
You're so fucking cheap."
1469
01:11:09,577 --> 01:11:14,277
No matter what you do,
your woman is mad... at... you!
1470
01:11:14,477 --> 01:11:15,710
If you work all the time,
1471
01:11:15,910 --> 01:11:18,944
"why you work all the time?
You ain't never home,
1472
01:11:19,144 --> 01:11:23,545
you're always leaving me!
I hate this shit!"
1473
01:11:23,745 --> 01:11:25,111
If you home all the time,
1474
01:11:25,311 --> 01:11:27,078
"why you all up under me?
1475
01:11:27,278 --> 01:11:30,078
"Let me get some fucking room
to breathe.
1476
01:11:30,278 --> 01:11:34,678
Damn, stop sweating me!
I hate this shit!"
1477
01:11:34,878 --> 01:11:36,611
If you make more money than her,
1478
01:11:36,811 --> 01:11:40,112
"well, fuck you!
I wanna make decisions too!
1479
01:11:40,312 --> 01:11:41,679
"You ain't my fucking daddy!
1480
01:11:41,879 --> 01:11:43,813
"I don't need you to take care of me!
1481
01:11:44,013 --> 01:11:46,212
I hate this shit!"
1482
01:11:46,412 --> 01:11:47,879
If she makes more money than you,
1483
01:11:48,079 --> 01:11:51,679
"you broke motherfucker!
1484
01:11:51,879 --> 01:11:54,345
"You never have no fucking money!
1485
01:11:54,545 --> 01:11:55,947
"Fuck this shit!
1486
01:11:56,147 --> 01:11:57,513
"I don't wanna make
all these decisions!
1487
01:11:57,713 --> 01:11:59,280
"I need to be taken care of!
1488
01:11:59,480 --> 01:12:03,080
I hate this shit!
I can't take it!"
1489
01:12:03,280 --> 01:12:07,380
And the number one reason
your woman's always mad, fellas,
1490
01:12:07,580 --> 01:12:09,246
the number one reason
1491
01:12:09,446 --> 01:12:12,581
your woman's pissed the fuck off...
1492
01:12:12,781 --> 01:12:17,848
'Cause you ain't her first choice.
1493
01:12:18,048 --> 01:12:21,815
Fellas, you ever catch
your woman just looking at you,
1494
01:12:22,015 --> 01:12:24,948
but not saying nothing?
1495
01:12:30,849 --> 01:12:31,949
In her mind, she's thinking,
1496
01:12:32,149 --> 01:12:36,382
"how did I end up
with this ugly motherfucker?
1497
01:12:36,582 --> 01:12:39,749
"Oh, lord, this motherfucker's
ugly and stupid.
1498
01:12:39,949 --> 01:12:42,415
"I had a good man and I blew it.
1499
01:12:42,615 --> 01:12:45,783
"Damn, lord, kill my man,
kill him, please.
1500
01:12:45,983 --> 01:12:47,483
"Kill him while
I still look good enough
1501
01:12:47,683 --> 01:12:49,116
"to get something new.
1502
01:12:49,316 --> 01:12:50,917
"Please, kill this motherfucker.
1503
01:12:51,117 --> 01:12:53,116
"Now, strike him!
Strike him!
1504
01:12:53,316 --> 01:12:58,549
If you out there, lord,
strike this motherfucker dead!"
1505
01:13:03,284 --> 01:13:06,284
Nothing gets you ready
for marriage, man.
1506
01:13:06,484 --> 01:13:08,317
Nothing!
Nobody!
1507
01:13:08,517 --> 01:13:10,317
Nothing gets you ready for marriage.
1508
01:13:10,517 --> 01:13:11,784
Nobody tells you
that once you get married,
1509
01:13:11,984 --> 01:13:15,184
you will never fuck again!
1510
01:13:15,384 --> 01:13:18,752
If you like fucking,
marriage ain't for you!
1511
01:13:18,952 --> 01:13:21,585
Shit, I haven't fucked in seven years!
1512
01:13:21,785 --> 01:13:24,552
I've had intercourse.
1513
01:13:24,752 --> 01:13:26,985
See, intercourse is when
she gets out of the shower,
1514
01:13:27,185 --> 01:13:28,618
on the nice sheets.
1515
01:13:28,818 --> 01:13:31,885
Fucking's in the back of a rental car.
1516
01:13:32,085 --> 01:13:35,619
When your woman goes,
"come on, get some!"
1517
01:13:40,153 --> 01:13:42,152
And nobody gets you ready
for that shit.
1518
01:13:42,352 --> 01:13:43,820
Nobody tells you
that once you get married,
1519
01:13:44,020 --> 01:13:46,653
you will never get pussy again!
1520
01:13:46,853 --> 01:13:50,054
If you like pussy,
marriage ain't for you!
1521
01:13:50,254 --> 01:13:53,021
I haven't had pussy in seven years!
1522
01:13:53,221 --> 01:13:56,253
I've had vagina!
1523
01:13:56,453 --> 01:14:01,620
I hate vagina!
I came out of a vagina!
1524
01:14:01,820 --> 01:14:02,720
As soon as I got out, I said,
1525
01:14:02,920 --> 01:14:06,555
"man, I got to get me some pussy!
1526
01:14:06,755 --> 01:14:10,388
See, they don't prepare you,
they don't tell you.
1527
01:14:10,588 --> 01:14:14,321
Married women don't have pussies.
1528
01:14:14,521 --> 01:14:17,254
Married women have vaginas.
1529
01:14:17,454 --> 01:14:18,421
If you go to a wedding
1530
01:14:18,621 --> 01:14:19,922
and the woman's throwing the bouquet,
1531
01:14:20,122 --> 01:14:21,221
she ain't throwing the bouquet.
1532
01:14:21,421 --> 01:14:24,255
She's throwing the pussy!
1533
01:14:24,455 --> 01:14:27,223
"I won't be needing this
no more!"
1534
01:14:34,856 --> 01:14:36,122
And the woman that catches it next
1535
01:14:36,322 --> 01:14:37,489
gonna get married, you know why?
1536
01:14:37,689 --> 01:14:40,290
'Cause now she got two pussies!
1537
01:14:40,490 --> 01:14:42,757
You gotta marry the two-pussy girl!
1538
01:14:42,957 --> 01:14:44,824
But it ain't just men
that lose out on marriage.
1539
01:14:45,024 --> 01:14:46,857
Women, you lose out too.
1540
01:14:47,057 --> 01:14:48,190
Women, once you get married,
1541
01:14:48,390 --> 01:14:51,256
he will never lick your pussy, again.
1542
01:14:51,456 --> 01:14:52,423
Pussy, vagina,
1543
01:14:52,623 --> 01:14:53,690
whatever the fuck you wanna call it.
1544
01:14:53,890 --> 01:14:56,025
He will never lick your pussy again.
1545
01:14:56,225 --> 01:14:57,191
I see some married women
1546
01:14:57,391 --> 01:14:59,925
with tears in their eyes right now.
1547
01:15:00,125 --> 01:15:03,391
He will never lick your pussy again.
1548
01:15:03,591 --> 01:15:04,791
Forever, ever!
1549
01:15:04,991 --> 01:15:06,891
Forever, ever?
1550
01:15:07,091 --> 01:15:08,891
Forever, ever!
1551
01:15:10,125 --> 01:15:13,492
He will never lick your pussy again.
1552
01:15:13,692 --> 01:15:14,892
That's right.
1553
01:15:15,092 --> 01:15:18,926
Oh, don't get me wrong,
he'll give it one coat,
1554
01:15:19,126 --> 01:15:20,659
but he ain't gonna
put the finish on it,
1555
01:15:20,859 --> 01:15:22,792
like he used to.
1556
01:15:22,992 --> 01:15:26,258
He used to put a spit shine
on your pussy!
1557
01:15:26,458 --> 01:15:29,793
You had to put on shades
just to look at your pussy!
1558
01:15:29,993 --> 01:15:33,326
Put a little sticker
next to your pussy!
1559
01:15:33,526 --> 01:15:35,393
"Objects in pussy may appear closer
1560
01:15:35,593 --> 01:15:39,193
than they actually are."
1561
01:15:39,393 --> 01:15:43,093
Nobody gets you ready for this shit!
1562
01:15:43,293 --> 01:15:44,594
That's right.
1563
01:15:44,794 --> 01:15:47,127
Fellas, once you get married,
no more blow jobs!
1564
01:15:47,327 --> 01:15:50,627
If you like blow jobs,
marriage ain't for you.
1565
01:15:50,827 --> 01:15:53,461
I haven't had a blow job
in seven years!
1566
01:15:53,661 --> 01:15:57,427
I've had fellatio.
1567
01:15:59,594 --> 01:16:00,728
See, when you're single,
1568
01:16:00,928 --> 01:16:02,462
you get the best blow jobs
in the world.
1569
01:16:02,662 --> 01:16:05,562
8, 12, 15 minutes straight,
1570
01:16:05,762 --> 01:16:08,395
like the girl's auditioning
on your dick.
1571
01:16:08,595 --> 01:16:10,829
Like she's giving
your dick a second opinion.
1572
01:16:11,029 --> 01:16:15,195
Like she's going for her scuba license!
1573
01:16:15,395 --> 01:16:16,830
You get married,
1574
01:16:17,030 --> 01:16:20,830
every married man I know gets
the same lazy-ass blow job.
1575
01:16:21,030 --> 01:16:23,896
It's like three licks,
like, "ah, ah, ah.
1576
01:16:24,096 --> 01:16:25,696
"Is it hard?
Put it in!
1577
01:16:25,896 --> 01:16:28,829
I gotta fold these clothes!"
1578
01:16:32,896 --> 01:16:36,530
What kinda lazy-ass blow job
is this shit?
1579
01:16:36,730 --> 01:16:40,497
If we was at a restaurant,
I would send this back.
1580
01:16:40,697 --> 01:16:44,064
Waiter, this blow job ain't ready yet!
1581
01:16:44,264 --> 01:16:45,497
Yo, marriage is tough, man.
1582
01:16:45,697 --> 01:16:47,230
Marriage is real fucking tough, man.
1583
01:16:47,430 --> 01:16:51,565
Marriage is so tough,
nelson mandela got a divorce.
1584
01:16:51,765 --> 01:16:54,731
Nelson mandela got a fucking divorce.
1585
01:16:54,931 --> 01:16:59,598
Nelson mandela spent 27 years
in a south african prison.
1586
01:16:59,798 --> 01:17:04,098
Got beaten and tortured
every day for 27 years,
1587
01:17:04,298 --> 01:17:06,566
and did it with no fucking problem.
1588
01:17:06,766 --> 01:17:10,732
Made to do hard labor
in 100° south african heat
1589
01:17:10,932 --> 01:17:13,966
for 27 years and did it
with no problem.
1590
01:17:14,166 --> 01:17:17,766
He got outta jail
after 27 years of torture,
1591
01:17:17,966 --> 01:17:19,799
spent six months with his wife,
1592
01:17:19,999 --> 01:17:24,034
and said, "I can't
take this shit no more!"
1593
01:17:24,234 --> 01:17:26,733
Hey, I'm outta here!
Y'all take care!
1594
01:17:26,933 --> 01:17:28,733
Thank you!
Thank you!
1595
01:17:45,035 --> 01:17:47,367
♪ Let's get it
all in perspective ♪
1596
01:17:47,567 --> 01:17:50,068
♪ for all y'all enjoyment
a song y'all can step with ♪
1597
01:17:50,268 --> 01:17:52,367
♪ y'all appointed me
to bring rap justice... ♪
1598
01:17:52,567 --> 01:17:56,335
Best show ever!
It was hilarious!
1599
01:17:56,535 --> 01:17:58,168
Once again, man, your life is over.
1600
01:17:58,368 --> 01:17:59,402
"No more blow jobs!
1601
01:17:59,602 --> 01:18:00,735
I'm telling you,
don't get married!"
1602
01:18:00,935 --> 01:18:02,769
He was funny as a motherfucker,
1603
01:18:02,969 --> 01:18:03,902
I'm gonna come and see him again!
1604
01:18:04,102 --> 01:18:05,735
My dimples hurt,
I laughed so hard, see?
1605
01:18:05,935 --> 01:18:07,802
I just pissed on myself.
1606
01:18:08,002 --> 01:18:10,402
It was a great show!
1607
01:18:10,602 --> 01:18:12,570
Oh, it was great, I really enjoyed it.
1608
01:18:12,770 --> 01:18:15,270
It was wonderful, did a great show.
1609
01:18:16,303 --> 01:18:17,536
♪ Newness
here's the anthem ♪
1610
01:18:17,736 --> 01:18:18,903
♪ put your hand up
that you shoot with ♪
1611
01:18:19,103 --> 01:18:20,336
♪ count your loot with ♪
1612
01:18:20,536 --> 01:18:21,903
♪ push the pool stick
in your new crib ♪
1613
01:18:22,103 --> 01:18:23,503
♪ same hand
that you hoop with ♪
1614
01:18:23,703 --> 01:18:25,369
♪ swing around
like you stupid ♪
1615
01:18:25,569 --> 01:18:27,637
♪ king of the town
yeah I been that ♪
1616
01:18:27,837 --> 01:18:29,038
♪ you know I click-clack ♪
1617
01:18:29,238 --> 01:18:30,437
♪ where you
and your men's at? ♪
1618
01:18:30,637 --> 01:18:32,537
♪ Do the smurf, do the wop
baseball bat ♪
1619
01:18:32,737 --> 01:18:35,471
♪ rooftop
like we're bringing '88 back ♪
1620
01:18:35,671 --> 01:18:37,004
♪ they're shooting ♪
114399
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