Original subtitles

Okay. That tight?

Yep.

Ooh!

Kinky.

I found a shock collar in deep storage,

where I keep my whatchamacallits.

I'm trying to see if it works.

Luckily, Shred's neck is the same size

as an average labradoodle.

Did you give consent, and do you have a safe word?

[remote beeps]

I do, and Viggo Mortensen.

Nice.

Whenever you're ready, Frank.

I'm pressing it now. [remote beeps]

Hmm.

This thing is red hot in my hand.

Well, you know, I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

Lest we forget, I did get frostbite on my penis,

and then won a mechanical bull riding contest the same night.

Wow.

Yeah, I don't think it works. Give me that thing.

Oh. You gonna try it?

Yeah.

Sure you can handle the tickle?

I'm guessing that the batteries are dead.

'Cause if you're not feeling...

...anything, then I don't think that...

-[remote beeps] -[Frank groans in pain]

[Shred laughs]

Ahh!

[Shred] Yes! I got you! I got you!

I was in excruciating pain.

[Shred laughs]

He said he could never be got.

[repeating] Viggo Mortensen! Viggo Mortensen...!

-The button. -Viggo Mortensen!

You gotta let go of the button.

There, there.

Wow.

How did you do that?

It took everything in me not to react.

I peed a little... but it was worth it.

♪♪♪

[Fiona] Oh!

Wow.

If I was grading that, and I am,

I'd give it a 98 out of 100.

98?

One point off per sock left on. Fair.

I gotta go to work, though. Animals never sleep.

I mean, they do.

It's just... you know what I mean.

Mmm.

Okay.

Oh!

I've got something for you.

Oh. Thank you.

Wait. Is this an anniversary gift?

Has it been a month already? I didn't get you anything.

No.

I get sent free stuff from brands all the time

wanting to do collaborations.

Do let me know if you'd like a de-puffing concealer.

I'm good. But I mean, if it's... junking up your closet, then...

Will I see you tonight at the animal control fundraiser?

Uh...

I wasn't planning on it.

Oh, I don't care. It's fine. [scoffs]

I was just making conversation because you're taking so long

to put your shoes on.

Oh, good. 'Cause the excuses I had ready were pretty weak.

I was in a cat died or Shred died area.

Frank, relax.

I'm very happy with how un-talky and uncomplicated

our situationship is.

I see what you did. Describes us perfectly.

I'll get you a couple of those concealers.

Yeah.

[Emily] Okay, people.

Fiona Holcomb is hosting the fundraiser tonight

for our new annex kennels, and as you know,

we're bringing Toby, the baby kangaroo.

I'm still looking for volunteers to be

his handler tonight.

Would that I could, but we're in the final push

to flip our house.

Yep. All that's left to address is a small animal issue

in the attic. We heard a skitter.

So, it's either one big rat or two rats working together,

which is kinda cute.

We're gonna go set a trap at lunch.

It might be the first job we're actually qualified

to do in the house.

I've been working on this for weeks.

I volunteer...

Victoria.

Okay, great! Thank you.

No, uh...

that can't work.

Your first job is gonna be to set up the kangaroo pen

at Fiona's house this morning.

Great. I don't care...

because there's an open bar at the event tonight.

[Emily] There you go!

I will be fine tuning my speech in my office,

so, if you guys need anything, too bad. [chuckles]

Unless it's important, and then just knock. Yeah.

And all of the funds raised here tonight will go directly

towards the construction of our new adoption space.

Thank you.

[Bettany clapping]

-That was amazing. -[Emily squeals]

Real tears.

Wow. I think I'm ready. [phone rings]

Yeah. You are.

Oh! Oh, it's Fiona.

Hi, Fiona.

Emily!

How is the speech coming?

It's going great.

I hope your guests have a taste for pie charts.

I have a thought.

I just saw this roast of a football person.

You should do that for the speech tonight.

Oh, a... a roast, um... like making fun of people?

Yeah!

Tease 'em. Let 'em have it. They will absolutely love it.

I... I am just wondering. [phone beeps]

Uh, the double beep means she hung up.

Oh. Okay.

A roast, uh... it's a bit of a pivot, but I can be funny.

Yeah... you can be funny.

I did just hear a really funny joke the other day.

Why did the fish blush?

Well, I think Fiona's looking for something edgier.

You know, hard jokes.

I'll help you. We're gonna research these people...

Great.

...and bring 'em on down a peg. You know?

Yeah. Are you sure you don't wanna know why

the fish blushed?

It's 'cause he saw the ocean's bottom.

[Emily laugh]

Yeah, I had that popsicle, too.

[Emily laughs]

[Patel] You know, if we get over-asking,

I'm gonna put a Jacuzzi in my backyard.

After I pay off my credit cards.

And put brakes on the mini. My kid's teeth are a mess.

God, I'm in a hole.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get one of those TVs

that looks like a painting when you turn it off.

Like a frame?

No, it's like a TV.

[thudding]

Oh... that sounded like more than a skitter.

That was a full-on thud.

What the hell kinda animal is that?

This is where our years of training pay off.

Get the stick.

The cheese was a nice touch.

You know, I put that in my pocket this morning

and I didn't know why.

[chuckles]

Ooh!

I felt something.

And the cheese is gone.

Let's look at the playback. See what kinda trap we need.

[both scream]

It was a man's hand!

Hand of a man!

[Fiona] Hello!

Hey.

Emily said you were stopping by.

Yeah. I hope you don't mind

that I put the kangaroo pen over here.

It reminds me of some parties I went to in my 20's.

[both laugh]

Quite the setup.

Yeah, I got a bit sweaty putting it together.

[chuckles]

You look good with your hair up.

Oh, thanks.

Do you want some kelp water?

Yeah.

They're amazing at replenishing electrolytes

and making your skin glow.

Oh.

Is that your secret?

[chuckles]

[Victoria humming]

[humming]

[chairs thud]

Ugh.

Where'd you get those?

I can't say.

Legally, you can't say?

Correct.

Where did you get yours?

Legally, I can't say.

Hmm.

Are we both not saying what I think we're not saying?

It does feel like we're in the same boat, yeah.

A fancy, litigious boat where we both went...

below deck?

You know what? I'm not scared. I'll say it.

I'll say it if you say it.

Count of three.

Okay.

[in unison] One. Two.

-We both got with Fiona. -Three.

Okay. I was going on the three.

We slept with the same person.

Wow. Look at us, carpooling through the same tunnel.

What a small, promiscuous world.

You're not... exclusive, right?

-Oh! No, no. -Great.

It's cool, I'm cool. You guys are cool.

I mean, there's no serious feelings, right?

Of course not.

I don't need to hear the answer to that question.

I mean, it was just one time.

When? I mean... when?

At lunch.

Afternoon delight, like the song.

Which I'm sure you've heard,

because we're practically the same age.

Are you sure you're fine with this?

I mean, I'm gonna see her again tonight

at the fundraiser,

and I mean, like, I don't know what's gonna happen.

Wow. A lunch and a dinner hookup.

No intermittent fasting for you.

Okay. You don't seem fine.

No, I am fine.

No, it's great. Have a good time.

I know she will.

She gave me a 98.

[Frank] Oh, hey.

I just wanna say, I really hope tonight goes well.

Thanks. I'm a little nervous about my speech.

I had something written, but now Fiona wants me to be funny.

Oh, you'll be fine. I laugh at you all the time.

And it's super smart that you're bringing

the baby kangaroo.

Reminds everyone we do more than cats and dogs.

Plus, he's super cute.

You'd never suspect he was a biter.

[laughs] Right?

Wait... he's a biter?

I'm sure he'll respect the surroundings

and keep the biting to a minimum.

Plus, Victoria will be sober.

Competent.

Is there any way that you could...

Go to the event?

Ooh, that is asking a lot, day of.

But maybe I could move some stuff around.

I know, I'm sure you're busy.

Done! Moved around.

My dad's surgery is outpatient anyway.

Frank Shaw to the rescue again.

You owe me!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Shh! What?

What do we know about this man in our attic?

We know this.

He came into our house without our permission.

Now come on, man. You're Shred Taylor.

Which one of us outran an emu?

-I did. -You did.

He was pretty injured, but I'm on board.

God, you know how to push my buttons.

Shh.

Trap door's open.

[whispers] He's out! Squatter in the wind!

Squatter in the wind!

[all scream]

Whoo!

[screaming]

Who are you? Are you Parasite-ing us?

Fellas... my name is Parker.

I was part of the paint crew that did your kitchen.

-What? -And I had no place to go.

And your renovation... is impeccable.

Impeccable?

Crown moulding... crazy.

-Yeah, it is... it is crazy. -That was my idea.

We had a sense it came together, but...

feels good to hear it.

[beeping sound]

That's my coffee.

You mean our coffee? We got it for the staging.

You wanna stay and have a cup?

I got espresso too, if you like the tiny stuff.

No, man! You gotta go.

I mean, it does smell incredible.

No, he's gotta go.

[beeping sound]

That's my banana bread.

[chuckles]

I do love banana bread.

Just one cup, one slice, then he's gone.

Yeah.

One cup, one slice, then you're gone.

One cup, one slice, then you're gone.

[crowd chattering]

What do you think?

Oh...

Pretty great turnout, right?

Oh my gosh.

Yeah. How's the speech coming? You ready?

Oh, I'm ready. I am locked and loaded.

Ready to roast these people.

Roast?

Okay.

Might work. Definitely a choice.

Good luck. Just a second, excuse me.

[Emily stammers]

Just...

[stammering]

Okay, boss. Boss. You're short-circuiting.

We wrote great jokes. Stay the course.

Absolutely. Yeah, you're right.

Um... yeah. I'm gonna make a pit stop at the bathroom

for a quick vom.

And then, yeah, I'll be right back.

That's my girl!

Toby, who you will meet tonight,

is from a long line of very impressive animals.

His grandmother was actually the original model

for the Qantas Airlines logo.

[chuckling]

I'm here all week. Enjoy the party.

Hi.

Someone's popular tonight.

Thank you. I'm just making stuff up. Yeah.

[Fiona laughs]

Ah! You made it.

Oh, I couldn't miss all the fun and the paid overtime.

You scrub up very nicely.

Yes. I thought you weren't coming.

Well, it's called an Irish hello.

Mm.

And I believe in supporting the animals.

Yes. The animals. Those animals.

Mm-hmm.

You broke your NDA's, didn't you?

-Uh... -Well...

Guys... I have to get my legal team involved.

Oh, man.

[laughs]

I'm kidding.

-Oh... [chuckles] -Okay.

Look, I gave you the same headphones,

and you work together,

so, I guess it was a matter of time.

Please... be grown-ups about this?

Okay?

[chuckles]

So, it's like that, huh?

I think it's definitely like that.

Did you think you'd show up in a nice suit

and I'd just leave?

It's a fantastic suit,

and I won't be wearing it very long.

Do you really think you know the female anatomy

better than I do?

It's a fantastic suit.

Oh. That's a no. Okay.

Welcome to the big time.

I hope you can handle yourself.

Yeah, well, I hope you're ready to sit back

and watch me handle myself.

You know what I mean.

Yeah.

Oh.

So, when I came home, my lady had changed the locks.

After four years being together, man.

And the next day, I showed up late for work.

They fired me.

And I worked there for six months.

I feel you on the lady thing, but the... the job...

No. It did sound like maybe you were still in

a probationary period. -Yeah.

But none of this is an excuse

for being a stowaway in your home.

I'm gonna be out by the end of the day. Okay?

We appreciate that, man.

And we're sorry you've been having such a tough time.

Now, I gotta address the elephant in the room.

Bro, is that you?

Is that you from the video online?

The one that's the...

the one that's like, uh... "The Thumbs!"

[laughs] I... this is... I can't believe this.

You recognize me?

I cannot believe that I've been squatting

in an A-lister's house!

And now I'm really embarrassed.

Will you, um...

hey, will you actually sign this for me?

What? Okay. I mean...

Can you just... yeah, I would love it if you could, man.

Sure.

Look at that.

Alright, fellas. I should dip.

You know what?

Is there anything we can do to help you?

I feel bad doing this to a fan.

I mean, I could use some boxes.

And maybe, like, a marker so that I could write

"Parker's stuff" on the side,

so that I know what's inside the boxes.

Done.

We'll make a quick run to the home supply store.

Really?

Shred, come on. He's a fan!

Fellas.

[Patel chuckles]

Thank you.

Uh...

You can put your tongue back in your mouth.

I'm just wondering what you did with the taser.

I left that next to Fiona's bed.

I'll get it later when I'm there.

Unless I get there first and decide to incorporate it

in some role playing.

Where you'll be playing your usual role of

less intimidating Frankenstein?

Wow.

Victoria.

I mean, wow.

Yeah, it's a shirt and belt. Let's settle down.

[Emily] Hello? Hey, is this thing on?

[stammering] Emily's trying to talk.

Oh...

[Emily] Thank you all so much for coming out tonight.

And a huge thank you to Fiona for hosting.

[applause]

[kissing sounds] Thank you.

We are so lucky to be working with an icon like you.

Thank you.

Uh, speaking of lucky to be working,

uh... Tucker Shobald is here.

I see you're all settled in the corner.

Unlike your last two assistants who settled out of court.

Ha!

'Cause of harassment charges.

[Bettany] Hey-oh!

Yeah.

Um... who else is here?

Oh, Tabitha Mittons.

Tabitha is really racking up the titles.

SVP.

CEO.

DUI.

[crowd gasps]

Bloop! Got her. [laughs]

Mic drop.

[microphone thuds]

[speaker feedback]

Oh, I'm gonna...

Still got a few more.

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, I agree, but I can actually hear wallets closing.

Oh, Oz Triblioni is over there. Looking pretty good.

Oz, I love how you matched your cufflinks

to your ankle monitor.

'Cause Oz went to jail for embezzlement.

Jail!

[speaker feedback]

Uh, anyone wanna know why the... the fish blushed?

Um...

[crowd awes]

Who wants to meet the cutest guy in the world?

And also a baby kangaroo.

[crowd laughs]

Okay, you're all laughing now.

This is who you're saving, everyone.

If you wanna pet him... open up those checkbooks.

[crowd awing]

Hmm. Key's a little sticky.

Oh, I'll try mine.

It's weird.

It's not working either. You don't think...

What? No, he wouldn't.

[knocking]

[Patel] Parker?

Fellas, yo. I'm really sorry about this.

It's just that, uh, changing the locks is the only way

I can keep you from coming back into the house.

This is my house now. If that wasn't made clear.

Why? Parker, this is not how a fan is supposed to act.

Yeah, dude. If you don't come out, I'll...

I'll call the police, man.

[Parker] For sure.

It's just that, um, I have a signed lease.

[mail slot squeaks]

When did you sign a lease?

What? No, I didn't sign a lease.

Your signature is on the lease!

I didn't give a sig-- I gave him my autograph.

He forged the lease, dude!

Parker, I'm just so disappointed in you right now!

You're not wrong.

[Victoria] Oi!

Using the baby kangaroo. Desperate move.

A desperate move that worked.

From Fiona. Please stay after.

I don't wanna make a big deal of my win.

Just grab your pants and make a quiet exit.

[phone pings]

Ooh!

Look what I just got from Fiona.

Please stay after.

I guess I won't be needing my pants after all.

Do you think she's thinking...

What?

[chuckles]

See you on the ice, kid.

Threesome. No biggie.

It's just like doing extra reps.

Naked.

With a coworker.

Do they have a bidet here?

Hey, I totally bombed. Didn't I?

I blame myself. I've lost my touch.

[groans]

Hi, Fiona.

Well, that was a disaster.

Yeah. I'm so sorry.

I don't know what made me think I was funny.

Emily, I'm afraid we're still 10 grand short of our goal.

But it's okay.

We will try again in a few months.

Right.

Wait, no. Um... Fiona. I... I'm so sorry.

We can't wait a few months. We need the annex now.

We have major overcrowding issues.

We've got cats rooming with dogs,

and snakes next to hamsters.

I mean, this thing is a ticking time bomb.

I don't know what to say, Emily.

I never thought you'd crap the bed like that.

Yeah, I did. I... I crapped the bed.

Hard.

I had a presentation, and it was great.

I mean, it had stats and it had heart,

and it would've killed, and you would've loved it.

[phone pings]

And you know what? I am gonna give you that speech right now.

And it is so gonna blow your mind

that you are gonna give us the 10,000 personally.

And how long is the speech?

Without slides, it comes in at 35 minutes.

Put me down for the 10 grand.

[stammers] Are you sure?

Thank you, Fiona. Thank you so much!

You won't regret this.

Oh, my God.

I still do really wanna give my speech, though.

I'll gather up some catering folks.

Okay, great.

[laughs]

[Patel] What is the matter with me?

Why would anyone want my autograph?!

Okay, buddy? Buddy?

You want my autograph?!

Buddy! It's a government vehicle, okay?

We don't want people calling that 800 line. Okay?

How are we gonna get rid of this guy?

It's just a curve ball. We'll figure it out.

That's what we said about the black mold.

And when Bento fell through the ceiling.

And when we got busted for not getting that fireplace permit.

I told you we should've had that fireplace permit.

No, you said we should roll the dice.

That was you.

I got two mortgages.

Four kids!

An angry wife.

And I'm starting to think, maybe she's right.

Maybe her husband is a dummy.

No.

He's a dreamer.

Okay?

We're gonna get through this. I'll figure something out.

I really wish I could believe you.

Yeah, me too.

I felt better with my head out the window.

Do you mind?

Just close your mouth.

It's locust season.

[muffled scream]

Hello.

Hey.

I'm really glad you both stayed.

-Us too. -Yeah.

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you.

[chuckles]

[Fiona] Okay.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

Cheers.

[glasses clink]

[chuckles]

Okay. You both just drank $250 worth of wine.

Well, I still caught the notes of cardamom.

Me too. I tasted the cardigan as well.

I really like you both.

And when I saw you guys together tonight, I just...

...felt like you two might have a vibe.

[laughs]

What?

Yuck.

Yeah, I just thought it might be interesting

to explore that.

Oh, I love exploration.

I was just reading this book about the Northwest Passage.

Oh.

Your turn.

Totally.

Yeah.

[Frank clears throat]

Don't tell HR.

I won't if you won't.

Okay. [clears throat]

[Emily] Hello?

Has anyone seen my last easel with the mange infographic?

Hey.

Wait, what are you guys still doing here?

Um...

They were both just helping me clean up.

Thank you, guys. It's really nice of you.

Oh, here it is.

Just get it outta your way.

Whoa!

There goes that puppy.

Do you want a hand?

No. Don't help me.

Okay, I'll just... ow! Just take it like this.

Bye, guys. Thank you. It was such a good night.

Bye!

Where were we?

Well, uh...

I... think...

Did the boss lady kill the vibe?

-Yeah. -Kinda.

Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

'Cause... and now it... 'cause it's late.

I have a cat.

[exhales]

So.

So.

That was weird.

It was crazy weird.

Yeah.

Can you imagine if we...

Right?

No.

Wow.

It's a good thing that you chickened out.

-Me? -Yeah.

You chickened out.

No, I... what? I was leaning in.

You were not leaning in. I was leaning in.

You had your eyes open the whole time.

Yeah, 'cause that's how I kiss.

Stop doing that. It's so bizarre.

Okay. Whatever, chicken.

Whatever... you.

-Good one. -Uh-huh.

That's a good comeback.

Yeah, well...

Alright. Good night.

Good night.

[awkward chuckle]

Hey, if you were so smart, why did you leave your pants?

Shut up.

[Patel] Hello?

Hello? Is anybody here?

[keypad beeps]

[phone ringing]

Yo!

I don't know how you did it

but Parker might actually be gone.

[Shred] I told you I'd handle it.

We can officially sell the house.

Thank you.

Alright, I'm gonna hang up and cry privately.

I'd chase off an army of squatters for you, buddy.

Bye.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho! Is that for me?

I, uh...

Best roommate ever.

Uh...

You're welcome.

♪