Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Woo ha-ha, party time!

Woah, woah, woah, woah slow down!

Whoo!

This is insane!

Watch out! Slow down slow down! You're gonna crash!

How can you afford this?

This is some Jane Eyre shit this.

You've got pillars! I thought only the Roman's had pillars!

Right. Get down.

You show me up to your room, uh, sweetheart.

Okay.

Goodnight, lovebirds.

And then there where two.

You are in so much trouble.

I like you so much.

That's, totally cool.

What the fuck?

Jesus Kit, you promised and quick and painless!

I'm going as fast as I can!

Come here.

Come here, come here, come here. You silly sausage.

Remember your breathing, in through your nose.

And out through your mouth. And again and again.

That's good, yeah, yeah.

Butterfly kiss butterfly kiss.

Good.

Have you done yours?

No.

Your friend passed out.

Looks like it's your lucky night.

Ginger bollocks!

Sorry mate can I just go stand next to my friend.

He's my pal.

- What are you doing here? - I'm on a work do, oh my fucking good night.

Where's Michelle?

Oh, she's late, you know what she's like.

A bitch.

What?

Look right, I didn't really want to tell you this mate but...

But Shitface said he saw her snogging someone outside The Dolphin the other week.

Why would I believe someone called Shitface okay, that's...

Anyway me and Michelle,

you wouldn't understand we've got something amazing, something special.

Yeah.

She just dumped me.

Oh, but she put a kiss at the end, that's nice of her, innit?

Who gives a fuck man?

At least you got your end away, got that monkey off your back, eh?

Yep.

You didn't do anything with her, did ya?

Three months you were with her boss.

We did stuff. Okay.

Sexy stuff, all right but just not,

that.

What are you waiting for, the honeymoon?

Look.

I've got this problem, okay?

This thing it just happens when I get close to...

Look mate I go through exactly the same thing, brother.

Nothing to be embarrassed about.

I take this thing called Viagras,

I swear to ya, it's like a wrench man.

No, idiot, it's not that. That's fine.

It's more of a sort of, mental panic, thing.

Right I said that to you cause you're my pal

and I wanted to make you feel good man.

I'm always hard.

Good talk, thanks Alex. I'm off.

Hang on there one minute mate, please.

You turn 30 on Sunday don't ya?

Yeah, thanks for reminding me.

Right well, I promise you now,

you're gonna lose your virginity before you're 30. I promise.

And do I ever break promises? No, I never do, do I?

This is my present to you, my brother.

- Thanks. - Thing is we've only got a couple of days to work

with so we gotta work fast.

- Alex, mate. Alex, Alex. - How about...

- That'n right there. - Alex no, Alex,

Alex, where are you going?

Trust me, mate.

I hate to brag, I really do

but do you know what the lads have started calling me at work?

The dick.

No Alex, I don't think that's why they call you that... Shit.

Right, we've got a crier.

What did you say to her?

It's not my fault, mate. She lost her husband or something, I don't know.

Really? That's terrible.

That's why she's on her own.

Fucking brilliant, innit?

What you on about?

Come on, love.

You still invited her over?

I insisted, she come over, she's lost her husband,

- have a heart man, seriously. - Oh, Jesus.

Alex, you're a...

Hiya, love.

Oh, god.

This way, oh, watch yourself.

Right, I'm gonna leave you love birds to it.

Hi.

Uh...

Sorry, I miss him so much.

Jesus.

Am I sexy?

Of course, you are.

Yes I am.

Yeah.

Do you wanna have sex with me?

Do I, what?

Whoa, hey. You okay?

Um...

I am sexy.

Oh, okay, okay.

Jennifer, Jennifer. Why don't we...

Shall we get you, get you into a cab, get you home?

- For sex? - No, no, no, just get you home, yeah?

Yeah?

I feel a bit sick.

Okay. Here we go, here's the nice cab driver.

Hello, mate.

She all right?

She's a bit tipsy.

If that girl is sick in this car, you're cleaning it up, pal.

With your bare hands.

- I've been sick. - Yeah, it's all right. Cheers.

Weasley Street.

Wait, wait, oh, wait. Jesus.

Here we go.

A little sit down.

Yeah, there we go.

One step, two steps.

Jennifer!

I gotcha.

- There we go, one last, one last thing, oh God. - No...

Here it is, there it is.

Come on, that's it!

Sierra two nine. Suspect in sight.

Hi.

Mama.

Story checks out, you're free to go.

Just maybe stick to conscious girls in the future, yeah?

I will, thank you, Officer.

Right, so what happened last night?

At least tell me you at least got a blowy off her.

No.

Why?

She was crying.

About the recent death of her husband.

She was going like this.

Please, please have sex with me.

Is that a turn on for you?

Little bit, yeah.

Please, help me.

That's what I'm gonna do.

That's why we're here doing this chat thing.

All right, gays. Mind if I join?

Actually, Laura, we're kinda of...

So my boyfriend's band is playing this gig tonight, you guys should come.

Your boyfriend's in a band called Crabs, eh?

It's KRABS.

Okay, well make sure he bags up then by the sounds of things.

Oh, well, actually, we're not having sex.

Oh for fucks sake. Is everyone going mad?

Uh, no, it's John's idea.

Yeah, we're gonna wait until, we really know each other.

John is a modern, y'know sensitive, intelligent, beautiful, artist.

You know, I think it's beautiful.

- Ah, all right, Frankie. - All right, Laura.

Oh, hang on.

Cheers.

Jees!

- Thanks nice one, mate. - No worries, see you later.

Laura?

Oh, oh, do you want some?

I've just spent the night in jail.

I wasn't really planning on going back any time soon.

Sexually assaulting a drunken widow, terrible business, it really is.

- That's not funny man. - What?

It's not his fault though, eh,

that's what happens when you go 29 years

without so much as a woman even sneezing on your dick.

Alex! Will you shut...

Oh, my God. You're still a virgin!

Okay. Thanks for a really lovely day. I'm gonna go and kill myself.

Oh, no, Jim. Jim, look, look, listen.

My God, did you see that? They stared right at me.

They keep staring at you, mate.

Oh, Jesus. Oh God, oh God.

Fuck it, this is your time, this is your day.

I'm gonna go through the ABCs with you right now.

You Act, you Blag and you Check out.

No matter how scared you are, you force yourself up there.

And you blag it, you don't think you blag.

You pretend you're somebody else.

Someone you've always wanted to be like a spy or a fireman.

You can be James fucking Bond I don't give a shit. But you gotta blag it.

Once you've got them on the hook, that's when you check out.

Don't stay there too long.

It'll leave them gagging for it.

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Sick with lust obviously.

All right fuck it, I tell you what, you get up there and you buy yourself a drink

but make sure it's got ice in it. Get one of the icicles out and you smash it.

Once you've smashed it turn to the girls and you go 'all right, girls, '

and you go, "Hola, girls.

"now that I've broken the ice, can I buy you a drink?"

Piece of piss off you pop.

Literally no one has ever fallen for that shit.

Don't listen to this fucking idiot.

Works every time dude.

They think they'll hate it but deep inside themselves they love it trust me.

Just wait this is a lot of information to take in at once okay. So...

Don't think, act.

Hey, stop bullying him, can't you see the boy is scared?

I'm not a boy, Laura. I'm, I'm a man.

Oh, my God.

Barman, can I have a lemonade please?

With ice! Sorry.

Hi.

Nice one, thanks.

Jesus.

Jesus Christ.

Slippery.

Shit! I'm so sorry!

- Did that... - That's...

- ...hit you in the eye. - That's fine...

No. No, I'm fine.

Okay well, uh, now that I've smashed the ice... cube.

Can I, can I buy you a drink?

Um, we've already got drinks.

Yes, you do. What are you rocking there?

Are you bleeding?

Little bit. It's fine. I'll just...

Probably should have stamped on it with my foot.

Blag it!

I spy on people.

- Okay. - Not. No, not like in a creepy way.

More like, uh, James Bond 007, thing.

Ooh that's, that's pretty cool.

He's dying up there, do something.

Yeah, he is, isn't he?

So, I'm gonna go, I'm really busy.

Spying and stuff...

...talk to you later.

My dog is heavy.

You look like anglers.

Oh, shit.

Sorry. My God in Heaven you look like angels.

Well...

Would you like to go out for a fuck time in lotion?

I'm bad at this.

Fun! Sorry. Fun time in London.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, we'd love to. Wouldn't we?

Yeah.

You, love, what?

Yeah, just, you know, tell us when and where.

Oh, good, brilliant.

I'll just go and tell my sexy friend over there.

Hey.

Walk away.

Oh, that's for me.

I'm gonna... catch you in a bit.

Okay.

Bye.

Breathe, breathe, breathe ready for tonight then.

I can't do it, mate.

What?

I'm having a panic attack, mate.

It doesn't make any sense, does it?

Why would these two beautiful women

just turn up out of the blue and be interested in us?

You've got to stop questioning stuff all the time man, seriously.

Sometimes a bit of luck comes your way

you've got to grab it with both hands like it won't come round again.

I'm going.

- What are you running from? - Jesus.

These girls wanna break our dicks off

and you want to stay in here with your finger up your bum bum.

Come on, man.

I'll do it.

Kitty?

Kit?

Kitty?

Kit, where are you?

Kit?

Kit?

How did you do that?

You all right, Lu?

What was that all about?

Nothing.

Up here, Neil?

Nice one matey, see you soon.

Are you ready for the night of your fucking...

What you doing?

T-Rex.

Almost finished.

Fuck that off. Come on.

I'm not going.

You what?

They were clearly taking the piss.

What's going on now,

what's happened to you? Why've you had a change of heart?

Girls like that don't...

Maybe it's just not meant to happen, okay.

I've tried everything, mate.

I even went on this...

I even went on this dating website

specifically for virgins and I got one response.

From a 12-year-old Chinese boy.

Yeah.

Look, boss, I know you're scared.

Do you want to know a secret?

We're all fucking scared, man

and being a bloke is just pretending that we're not.

The only reason why you're so afraid is

because it's taken you so long

and you've made this fucking mad weird mountain in your head.

I'll climb it with you boss, I'll come with ya. I'll be your Sherpa.

What's that? Put it down man.

Put that fucking shit down, man. Get here...

What?

Just look at yourself man. Just look at yourself.

Got a blemish-less pale face like a Tudor lady.

You've got a broad back.

You've got wonderful titties...

And you've got beautiful, big ginger bollocks.

- Fuck off! - There's the smile I'm after!

They're just girls, man. What's there to be afraid of?

Yeah!

Wooo!

See that?

You do want to see him again don't ya?

Yeah, of course I do.

Well, you know what we've got to do.

Look, I know you're scared, baby Lu.

But we're so close now.

Well, I know that it's, it's just...

Sometimes you just get so...

What?

Nothing.

You're a big girl now.

He's not going to believe how much you've grown up.

Big night.

Just think,

in a few hours.

Everything's going to be back to the way it was before, yeah?

Just the three of us, all together again.

Doesn't that sound good?

You know, this will work.

We've done everything he taught us.

You do trust me, don't you?

Yeah.

No, no, of course I do.

Come on then, Cinderella. Let's get you to the ball!

This is all we've got to work with?

All right, well, so, corduroy.

- Absolutely not. - Okay.

- That's nice. - Sort of says to me, alcoholic,

mid-fifties, not having a great time.

1980's skinhead.

- Right. - Slightly racist.

Oh, hello, oh, you know what?

You look like a... I don't know, you look like a beacon!

- Yeah. No, that's, that's awful. - It's really itchy,

- Yeah, rid it, rid it. - it's really, really itchy.

Best of a bad bunch here brother, so...

- Burgundy really? - Trust me.

- Ahh! Magnifique, Monsieur! - Yeah, man?

- Yeah, man! - Really?

These are my work trousers.

Don't matter that's all we've got.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They feel a bit snug around my bollocks.

- Ooh. Shit! - Ooh, yeah, baby!

Syringe.

Check.

Breath.

That's fine.

Chloroform.

Check.

- Let's see if you've shaved your balls. - Yes, I have.

Knife.

Check.

Packed condoms.

Already wearing mine.

Okay,

let's do this.

Which one am I going for?

Whichever one you want, boss,

it's your night. I'm just a wingman.

Remember you're a sexy bastard.

Right, here they come.

Remember, crank up the sexiness straight from the start.

Yeah, we don't have time to fuck about.

You're a sexy bitch.

What are you?

Sexy bitch?

Good.

Ladies.

Hey, boys. Ready to paint the town red?

Yes, we flipping well are, aren't we, Jim?

Yeah, big style.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah, I'll come with ya.

Take a seat.

Take a seat.

So, you're sisters then?

Yeah, sorry, yeah, yeah.

Cool,

that's cool.

I like your necklace thing, it looks like the moon.

Oh, thank you. It was my mum's.

Hmm. She doesn't want it back then?

She's dead.

Right.

Sorry.

Service please, Miss Danielle.

Oh, here's trouble.

How are you doing, beautiful? You good?

All right, you need to behave yourself tonight.

Two pints of lager please and white wine spritzers.

Um, cranberry juice.

With vodka, please.

No, we don't drink.

What?

We have run into a serious issue here.

- What have you done now? - The girls don't drink.

And?

Right how do I put this nicely?

No one's going to fuck you sober.

That's you putting it nicely, is it?

I've got an idea.

What about the friend?

How are we gonna get rid of him?

I'm working on it.

You just focus on Jim and don't let him out of your sight.

Ladies,

ever heard of KRABS?

This is the guy I was telling you about, this is John.

- How you doing, John, pleased to meet you, mate. - Yeah nice to meet you, bruv.

That's incredible it really was.

Best we've ever done it.

Yeah it was all right, just lost the tempo at the end there

but we will get it right, at some point.

Fuck you, John. I quit! The KRABS are over!

No. The KRABS are never over, bruv.

I hope that they're not.

Have you got them beans?

Yep. Um, just be careful with them 'cause they're quite strong.

- Okay. - Ah, forget that shit I've got something for you right here.

New album Mopy Symphlex. Do you a deal, fiver.

- No, I'm all right. Thank you, mate. - Please,

take one.

Okay, no problem.

Have you ever heard an owl cry?

No, I haven't, mate. No.

Thanks, boss, thank you very much, cheers.

- Oh, my god you look so... - Yeah, I'm at work, girl.

- I'm at work yeah, cool. - Yeah, no totally, yeah that's yeah.

So, you like, uh, cranberry juice.

Yeah.

Isn't that, isn't it good for period pains?

What?

My sister told me it was good

for period pains cranberry juice, no?

Someone told me that.

I don't know.

No, that's it potassium, potassium.

It's like a bloody funeral in here innit?

Let's smash these and go somewhere else, I know just the place.

There you take that one ducky.

- Thank you. - For you.

Uh... sorry.

Oh, shit.

I thought, there was a moth in that.

I, there was definitely a moth in that one.

We're gonna go, I'll get you another one.

- Okay. - That cost frigging money that.

Where am I gonna get some more from now?

We're not doing that, are we?

- Why on earth not? - Because it's, illegal, for one.

Under whose eyes? Eyes of the Lord?

Just a cranberry juice then please, mate.

Thank you for cranberry juice, cranberry juice.

Cheers!

Do you wanna dance?

No, no way.

Why not?

I just I, I don't. Last time I danced I was 10 years old at the...

school disco and I accidentally elbowed Natalie Cork in the face.

You can't be that bad.

I am.

I look like I am being beaten up by ghosts.

Sorry.

Oh, shit.

What is it?

It's my mum, I'm supposed to go round

to theirs for this birthday dinner thing, tonight. I completely forgot.

Well, can't you call her

and tell her something came up?

I can't.

I'm sorry, Lulu.

No, wait.

I'll come with you.

What?

Well, you've been drinking

so I can drive us there and bring us back before it's too late.

Gets, gets too late.

Besides, you wouldn't make me

sit here on my own all night, would you?

Whoa.

Cool car.

Thanks. It's our uncle's.

Oh. Shit.

Cool uncle.

Shit.

Oh, oh, you bought a friend. Wonderful.

Come, in come in.

Sorry, we are late.

Here we are.

We were starting to worry about you.

Oh, yeah, sorry about...

No, no, don't you worry, son. We've only been waiting a couple of hours.

You're here now and that's what matters.

Amen.

What's the T-shirts?

Hilarious, aren't they?

It was your sister's idea, she thought they were funny.

Father George helped out.

Did you know that Priests get discounts in, um...

Piccy Pics?

Is that right?

I didn't know that.

We've got one for you, son. Beth go get it.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm fine.

Oh, come on, it's the party rule.

We don't have one for you, Lulu, I'm afraid.

No, no, we do, we do, we do, no that...

...one of the first ones... ...didn't go quite right you know.

- Yes. - Beth go and get that one too yeah.

Oh, how fun.

Happy birthday, son.

Thanks.

Oh, it's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's ya Nan's pen knife.

Yeah, um, she wanted you to have it.

She loved you very much, Jim. We all do.

Thanks, Dad.

Yeah, it's okay to cry, you know, yeah. It's not a weakness.

Just be careful walking around with that thing.

Yeah, we don't want the police mistaking you

for some crazy knife wielding maniac, do we, Lulu?

So where did you go to school, Lulu?

Um, I was taught at home.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah, Daddy didn't, um, trust schools so...

Oh, our Jim would have loved that, he hated school.

Even at a good Christian school like his.

He was forever being picked on.

And called horrible names like fatty and ginger and...

Ginger fatty.

I think she gets it.

Oooh. Oooh.

Shall we do the song?

- Yes. - No, no, not the song.

Oh come on don't be silly, it's tradition!

Someone's a little bit embarrassed.

Lulu, do you want to hear it?

Yes, please.

Actually I feel a bit I'm not feeling too great.

- No, come on, up you get. - Come on birthday boy.

♪ Mum

♪ Dad

♪ Dad

♪ Jim

♪ It's another Turner's birthday jump up and down

♪ Let's cowabunga down let's shake it around

♪ Musical bumps that's where the party is

♪ Open the fountain that's the Turner kind of fizz

♪ Daddy's playing air guitar

♪ Beth and Jim go clap clap clap ♪

♪ Mummy's on kitchen duties and over to Nan for the Turner rap

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. T. U. R. N. E. R.

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. T. U. R. N. E. R.

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. T. U. R. N. E. R.

♪ Tur-ner, Tur-ner, Tur-ner

♪ Turn to the left then turn to the right

♪ There's a Turner there and a Turner cares

♪ Turn to the left then turn to the right

♪ There's a Turner there and a Turner cares

♪ Turn to the left then turn to the right

♪ There's a Turner there and a Turner cares

♪ Turners will turn to each other

♪ Till time stops turning ♪

No, no, no, keep going, keep going. It's good.

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. T. U. R. N. E. R.

Faster, Mum.

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. T. U. R. N. E. R.

Dad, come on louder.

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. T. U. R. N. E. R.

♪ T. U. R. N. E. R. and T. U. R. N. ♪

What ya doing?

I'm not interested, okay?

Why not?

Because you're ugly, and dumb.

Now why don't you fuck off and find someone else?

Your big ginger friend can take care of himself.

There's someone in here.

No drugs allowed I'm afraid, now open the door.

I'm not doing drugs.

Open the fucking door.

Hey, honestly, I wasn't doing anything.

Do I look fucking stupid?

No.

Hand me the purse.

Hand me your fucking purse, now.

Are you sure there's not some other way of sorting this out?

Daddy, what's he doing?

He's been touched by the Holy Spirit.

He's feeling the pure love of Jesus.

Flowing through his veins.

Praise the Lord.

Well, we should probably be going, it's getting late.

Oh, are you sure darling?

Jim seems to be having a good time.

Yeah, it's just, we've got a lot to do tomorrow, so.

Jim.

Jim.

Maybe we should head back.

To the club. Yes!

Good idea, okay, thank you so much for the most amazing birthday.

Sis.

Love you, Mama.

Okay.

It was a pleasure to meet you all, bye.

Ah, I think he's found a good girl there.

God, I wanted to be a drummer when I was a kid.

I always thought that was the coolest thing to be, you know,

everyone wants to be the front man or the guitarist but I was always...

I thought that was going to be really weird didn't you?

You meeting my parents like that and I've just met you but...

I thought it was fun.

I thought that was really fun and I think they liked you, you know, I really do.

I mean why wouldn't they? Look at you, you're perfect.

No, I'm not. Kitty says my nose is too big.

- What? No. No. - Yeah. No, she does.

She... She says I need to get some work done.

Okay, if you change that face, that is an insult to God.

Stick to the plan.

What's that?

Motherfucker!

Wooo, you're an amazing driver, Lulu.

- Thanks. - What, how long, how fast are we going?

Uh, 110.

Whoo!

Oh, man!

Alex.

Alex.

- Hiya love! - Hiya.

You coming down?

- Come up. - Alex, come down.

- Come up. - Why don't we go?

Come up.

You and me let's go.

I've got something to tell you, just come down.

Kitty, what you doing?

No.

Hey let's, let's go back to ours.

- Okay, let's go, yeah. - Yeah, I've just got to get Alex.

No, no, no, don't get him.

No, he's my bro from another ho I've gotta...

No, No, No. He's having a really good time.

Jim!

Jim!

Whoo...

- I fucking love you man! - Where we off, where we off, where we off, where we off?

Our place, let's go, let's go.

Told ya, what did I say?

What the fuck you doing, bruv?

Man, fucking ride your buzz, bruv.

What are you sucking off your own face for?

Fix up, bruv.

Cause if you barge me again I'll bang off your fucking jaw side

like fluoride you fucking dickhead.

Just fuck off, man.

He was a bit nasty, wasn't he?

Gonna need some cognitive therapy.

- Come on, Jim. Tune! - Tune! Turn this up!

Thank you so much girls for allowing us to come with ya

I honestly thank ya, it's very kind of ya

Yeah, really, this is such a... Such a brilliant night.

We feel like we've really bonded quite quickly with you guys.

Definitely we do.

And you're just nice, really nice girls.

I can't feel my face.

Can I just say, Kitty.

I'm extremely sorry about when I threw the glass of water over your mid-region.

Why d'you do that?

It's fine, Alex, honestly.

Cause I'm awfully sorry and I respect you as a person, as a female, as a feminist.

Look, Alex, don't worry about it.

Deep down I think I'm quite into you.

I could talk to you d'ya know what I mean,

you're sort of somebody that's a very approachable person.

Ya know you're very warm.

Alex, Alex, Alex.

I love you. I don't, love you, not yet, I don't.

I know I'm gonna back off now.

- I'm gonna stop talking bullshit. - It's all right.

He's a nice, he's nice, he can just be a bit of a dick sometimes,

but his hearts is in the right place.

Do your beatbox for us.

- The countryside! - Whoo!

- Countryside! - Whoo!

It's like going on holiday!

Fucking hell I never want to stop holding your hand.

Don't, you don't have to.

- Is that all right? - Yeah, of course, man.

I feel like I'm, my jaws going a bit.

No, you're sound mate. Are mine? Are mine, all my lot?

Good.

They're great, man.

Fucking hell, there's a joint underneath your frigging seat.

- What? - Whose got a light?

Spark it up, son.

Lulu?

No, thank you.

- It's just... - Go on just have it.

- No, no. - Shit, shit. Fucking hell!

Fucking back!

I've fucked up myself, me ribs and me spine are torched man!

Lulu!

Take this.

Take this.

Is everyone all right?

Yeah, mate, hunky dory no thanks to this fucking idjit!

Whoa, whoa.

Fucking nearly killed me, mate!

Come on then, Jim. Come on then mate.

Do you really want this? Do you really want this then, mate?

Yeah, all right.

- Are we done? - All right get off!

- Are we done? - Yes.

- Say done then. - Done!

Right what rescue service are you with?

Why?

So they can rescue us!

It's stolen.

What? You said it was your uncle's.

It is. We stole it from our uncle's.

You stole your uncle's car?

He doesn't mind. He, he's in jail.

He's a massive pervert.

Well, that explains all the shit in the glove compartment.

So what we gonna do now?

Right then, righty righty oh.

It's very hot, is it supposed to be hot?

- Yeah, I think it is, yeah. - Engines are normally hot, okay.

- Do you, do you know about cars? - A bit.

Yes, must be 'cause it's too hot.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it, it's just a stupid t-shirt.

You don't have to wear yours either.

I like it.

What a night, eh?

Oh, my God.

What?

Was I dancing in front of my parents?

Oh, god! Kill me now, Lulu, please.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't you need that?

I'm due an upgrade anyway.

Ooooh...

Sorry. Sorry that was stupid I don't know why I did that.

I don't normally do stuff like that especially after, major car accidents.

No, it wasn't that, I didn't...

It's just I, I just I like you and I thought, maybe.

Idiot.

I like you too.

Right then, kids.

I reckon I figured it out.

It's fucked.

Oh, great cheers, Alex.

Well fear not I have a plan.

I just checked the sat nav on my phone

and it appears we are about a mile away from my dad's place.

So I suggest we have a walk there,

borrow his car and drive to these girls house.

The rest is TBC to be honest with ya

but I'm predicting a fucking riot. Who's with me?

This is ridiculous man.

This is the one.

You're gonna love him. He's hilarious you watch.

All right just wait there, wait there, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Eh up, Dad!

Hey Alex, hello sunshine.

Come on you filthy bastard I've gotta go.

Yeah. Cheers.

- Ta. - Thank you.

- See ya. - See ya. Bye.

Cleaner. She's my cleaner.

She's just been, cleaning up!

Hey, come on what the fuck are you doing standing outside you come inside come on.

I mean, I call her a cleaner, y'know. She is a cleaner,

she's actually not very good. I should probably fire her actually.

So it's a little bit messy, a little untidy.

But, um...

Oh. That's a bit embarrassing.

Well, you know what they say, you can't live with them.

Can't wank without a naked photo of one of them.

It was a joke. . Friends?

- You know Jim, don't ya? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, ginger fatty Jaffa cake thief.

He used to come round when he was a kid

and he ate all the Jaffa cakes and then he was very big but now he's not.

I had one, it was once.

No, it was a packet. It was like a triple packet of Jaffa cakes.

- I was really hungry. - He was very sick.

These two boys?

Lulu, Kitty.

Kulu and Litty.

- Hi. - Lovely names, lovely names.

Sort of strippers names, isn't it?

I mean, you're not strippers, are you?

No.

That's a shame. You could be.

Thanks.

Sit down, will you come on sit down. Hey.

Hey, how's your mum?

Yeah, she's dead good ta, Dad, yeah.

- Yeah, dead good. - Hanging in.

- Is she? Yeah. Good. - Fine.

Good. Fuck her.

You give her my love, won't you? You give her my love.

I will. I will send my love yeah.

Actually that's not right.

She... She should give me her love.

You know, she should give me her love.

Excuse me.

Can we use your toilet.

Absolutely, number ones or number twos?

You.

Of course, you go and take a shit take a wee, whatever you wanna do.

- Thank you. - Might need a flush.

Follow your nose.

So, come on you Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy Jimson.

Jimmy yourself down here you little, Jimmy.

What you doing?

What?

What? I am doing exactly what you said, I'm pretending.

Look come on, I'm your sister you can tell me. What's wrong?

Well, just,

I was thinking maybe we could let them go.

Jim just seems nice, you know, he's different from the others

and we've still got time to find another one.

Okay.

Is that it?

Is that all?

You're a silly sausage, aren't you?

You are doing it, tonight. Do you understand?

Good to see ya.

What's happening, what you up to?

Trying to go back to their house,

just having a bit of a shindig.

Okay.

I need to change my shirt and maybe wash under my arms.

No, we just need to borrow your car, Dad. If that's all right?

Just borrow your car.

Yep, that's fine, yep.

Gents, chaps you are having a lovely night out.

- I'm fucking sober, are you? - Yeah, a little bit, we should probably...

I'm really sober. Is there somewhere local we can get a drink, Dad,

- do you know? - Yep you walk down the road here

and there's gonna be a late night garage or...

- Great. - Wicked. All right then, mate.

- Do you want ought? No? - And you can get, you can get booze and porno.

- All right then, mate. See you later, Dad. - Thanks Ken, cheers.

- Do you need anything? - Hey, I'm good.

- See you in a bit then. - Cheers Ken.

Get a me a packet of Jaffa cakes maybe, Jim.

Jaffa Jim.

Just popping to the shops girls, we'll be back in a minute.

Oh, fuck.

There's been a break through in the mystery surrounding the disappearance

of 33 year old Steven Barker.

The following CCTV footage has just been released.

Police now have eye witnesses

that claim to have seen Steven leaving a bar with two women.

We've enhanced the image here

so you can get a better picture of a suspect

the newspapers have dubbed 'The Man Eaters'.

If you know, or have seen these two before please don't hesitate to call.

But do not approach them. They're considered armed and extremely dangerous.

Man eaters.

I like it.

Lulu!

Lulu, help me!

Get off me!

Come on.

Go on, do it!

Lulu!

Oh, God, what are we going to do?

We are all over the news, we've got to hand ourselves in!

We're not fucking handing ourselves in we've nearly done this!

Okay, will you trust me!

You do want to see him again, don't you?

But he's not coming back Kitty, this is crazy, it's not gonna work!

It will work. Will you fucking trust me!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay, I'm sorry.

It's only cause I love you so much, I don't want you to leave me again.

Butterfly kiss.

- No. - Please.

Don't fucking move, you cunts.

I'm not letting you anywhere near my boy!

Right, don't fucking move cause I'm gonna call the police!

Just got to find my phone.

What the fuck's all that?

Snacks and stuff.

We're going to a fuck party not a picnic, Jim.

Well, I panicked! Okay?

Get the knife.

No, we can't kill him they're gonna be back any minute!

Get the chloroform then!

Fucker.

Come on!

I'm trying! Argh, it's here!

Put it on a shirt!

There.

He's out.

Get him up. Get him up, get him up, come on, get him up, get him up.

Bombay mix?

Shhh.

Yeah, he just sort of passed out.

Oh, yeah, sorry, he does that.

Maybe we should wait till he wakes up or something?

No, you lot just go ahead and I'll see you in a sec.

Maybe you should stay here with him, I mean, he is your dad.

No, no, he'll be fine he just, he just needs to sleep it off, that's all, honestly.

Okay.

I love you, Dad.

You all right?

Yeah.

Shit.

What?

It's past midnight, you're 30.

Wait. What time were you born?

About 4:00 a.m. I think.

Well, so we've still got fucking time then, mate.

I told you I don't break me promises.

A club bouncer has been found murdered in a ladies toilet

in East London.

Police have released a statement saying

they do believe this latest incident is connected to the so called "Man Eaters."

Those two women already hunted by police were seen hurriedly leaving the club with two men.

Both men may had been under the influence of a significant amount of drugs.

Police have assured the public they are extremely close to catching these wo...

Take the next left.

Do you, do you wanna go up to my room?

Yep.

Jim, I've got something to tell you.

Whoa. Okay.

No, it's about me. I don't think you're gonna like it.

Turn around.

Take your clothes off.

Yup.

Um...

Kitty, I really like ya. And I just, I know I talk a lot a...

I talk a lot a bullshit. But, because I've never,

I never met anyone like you before. And I just, I just think you're really...

Sorry.

Just tell me, I promise I won't laugh.

No I'm pretty sure you won't.

Oh, my God, you're a man, aren't you?

No!

I knew there was something...

- No, Jim I'm not. - It's the hands you've got the big hands.

- I knew this was too good to be true. - Will you just listen to me/

Me and Kitty killed four men.

I'm so sorry, Jim.

Wait, you were gonna...

The Virgin is supposed to be the final sacrifice.

- How do you know I'm... - It's amazing what you can find online.

No, wait, hold on.

The first girl I really like is a serial killer?

It's not that bad, Kitty did most of the killings. I just helped her.

Oh, let's get married then!

What the fuck...

Well, I'm sorry about that.

I didn't want to hit you with a piece of wood, did I?

What the fuck are you doing? Hey?

What the fuck are you doing?

What you getting?

What's all that about? Are you fucking?

Why is my Jim on the fucking wall for starters? Right bollocks.

I swear to God if you come any closer I'm gonna do you in.

I will, come any closer, I fucking will, promise you, love. Fuck off, fuck off.

Jesus. Fucking love, give us a rest a minute, please, I promise.

Fuck off!

Fucking hell!

Fucking bitch!

Fucking hell, love!

Jesus!

Fucking!

I'm pissing blood here!

Are you fucking serious?

Could we not just have a truce man?

Don't. Are you real?

I don't wanna fucking do...

Well, come the fuck on then, man, I've had it, I ain't playing no more.

Come on, then.

Come on 'en, come on, then.

Come on.

Come on, then! Come through it come on.

Come through then, come through...

Fuck.

So wait, your uncle's car, was that, was that real?

Jesus.

Was anything true?

One thing.

Look she's gone completely insane.

I don't even know who she is anymore.

She thinks all of this is going to bring him back.

Who?

Fucking hell.

Love, enough's e-fucking-nough, innit now?

Fuck off, love, I promise ya!

I'd fucking stay where you are love.

Please don't fucking get up now.

Stay where the fuck you are!

Fucking idiot, man, you're a fucking divvy!

I fucking told ya! I'm a fucking bloke!

I'm a fucking man!

Stay the fuck down!

Get up then. Bet I fucking dare ya. Get the fuck up I dare ya!

Come on then!

Go on then, come the fuck on then!

Come on!

Oh, fucking hell, love. Fucking hell.

Fucking just let me have a fucking minute

Fucking hell, love, please please please.

Please.

Fucking hell.

Easy there love.

Fucker.

Please leave me the fuck alone! I'm sorry!

Fucking Jesus.

Well I wasn't expecting that.

There's no time to explain to you, you have to get out of here please.

What about Alex?

No, it's too late.

Please, Jim, you've got to run!

Go run!

I can't keep running away, you know.

I've been running away from things my whole life.

It's time...

Daddy's waiting.

Come on.

Shush, little boy.

Daddy!

Daddy.

I knew it would work.

I did everything you taught me.

Now what we have to do is bleed the virgin.

And we can be a family again, right? Can't we?

Right?

No!

- Shut up! - No, please.

Shut the fuck up!

Get him, Daddy!

Please, Kitty, don't do this!

Shut up! Shut up!

Stop it, please.

I am so sick of you!

Motherfucker!

Jim, I'm here for you, mate!

What is, oh, God...

Fucking idiot!

Come on, Jim!

Shut up, you fucking ugly bitch!

Get him Daddy!

Fuck you, Daddy!

Daddy!

Daddy. Daddy. Daddy!

No, Daddy. Daddy. Daddy, no.

Daddy. Daddy.

Get in! Come on!

You ginger fucker!

Jim, am I missing a tooth here, mate?

- No, you look fine. - Okay.

You should probably run.

I'm so sorry, we tried to kill you, Jim.

I'm sorry, I kicked your Dad's head off.

I'll never forget you.

I don't think I'll forget you either.

Not without a few years of therapy anyway.

Bye, Jim.

Bye, Lulu.

Armed police, show me your hands.

Armed police put your hands in the air.

Put your hands where I can see them.

Keep your hands in the air.

Walk towards us. Keep coming towards me.

Stay still.

Put your hands on your head. Interlock your fingers on top of your head do it now.

Kneel down.

So what's it like kissing a psychopath?

She's not a psychopath.

Did you get her number?

She's going to prison, Alex. Probably for life.

Yeah, well, yeah she is.

Happy birthday, brother.

Cheers.

I guess I didn't keep my promise.

There's no rush.

Subtitles by explosiveskull