Original subtitles

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Well, you haven't done this since we were married.

Everything's changed now.

You're gonna be a mother.

- Ah-ah, ah-ah. - Oh!

I don't want you to exert yourself.

From now on, I'm gonna carry you everywhere.

You silly.

Happy anniversary.

You forgot.

Well, so did you.

- Oh, darling, I'm sorry. - Okay, it's a standoff.

- Oh, thank you. - Congratulations.

- I never thought you'd make it. - Thank you. Thank you.

Now, isn't it nice having neighbors like the Peppers?

Oh, yeah, and they bring such useful presents.

Piper Heidsieck. The Miller's High Life of champagne.

Alice, I just love azaleas.

Oh, it'll never grow because the jardinière's too small.

It's going to be potbound.

- Alice. - Yeah?

What were we doing on our fifth anniversary?

I don't know what you were doing but I was being wheeled into the delivery room.

You were? Oh, yeah, Marge.

No, darling, not Marge. Ralph.

Ralph? Oh, yeah, I-- I meant Ralph.

Come and get it.

Well, we have great news for you.

- What is it? - We're going to enlarge our family.

- How long have you known? - I knew you'd come through.

Well, thanks, but it's not that.

- We're going to adopt one. - Oh.

- Oh, well. - Well, boy or a girl?

Well, wait a minute. Not so fast. We just filed an application at the agency.

At Rock-A-Bye, where the Marshalls got theirs.

- Where? - New Haven.

We can stop off at Yale and enroll him in the Class of '79.

Lord, what won't the tuition be then?

I think it's wonderful.

Hope you don't mind, we gave you and Dick as reference.

- Mind? We're delighted. - Why, sure.

Oh, Augie, I'm so excited. I can't wait.

Darling, take it easy. Take it easy.

Look, they've got thousands of applications for babies...

...and every one of them has to be investigated first.

They'll get around to us, but it might take time.

You're giving up the doctor and all those tests?

Oh, no, I'm still keeping my chart.

- We're still hoping to have one of our own. - Sure.

- They say when you adopt a baby, you do. - Oh, sure.

Anyway, we're trying everything.

We're going to exhaust every possibility.

- Whew, is it hot. - Yeah.

You know, I miss the kids.

I know camp's the best place for them, but I miss them terribly, don't you?

Not a damn bit.

Dick.

- See this postcard from Ralph? - I don't have to. I know what it says.

"Send more money, send more candy, send more money."

Well, that's a nice paternal attitude. Well--

Hey, Augie.

Hi.

Don't tell me you went into town on a day like this.

Yeah, not only that...

...I had to stand all the way home in the club car.

And the air conditioning was off.

Somebody must've taken the ice cube out of the ventilator...

...and put it in a drink.

Is Isolde home yet?

No, maybe she stopped at the doctor's.

She spends half her life there.

Did you hear anything from that agency?

No, not a darn thing.

- Oh, well, you will. Don't you worry. - I hope so.

Hey, Augie, don't forget we're going bowling tonight.

Uh-uh. Not me.

I'm beat.

All I wanna do is take a cold shower and get into bed.

Life is so ironic.

Here we are having our fourth and they're trying so hard to have a baby.

She's taking her temperature every day, keeping fever charts...

...going to the doctor, taking all sorts of tests...

...driving herself crazy.

Yeah, she's driving Augie a little crazy too.

All he has to do is keep on tap at the right time. That's nothing.

Oh, that's nothing to you, huh?

And you, you who resent your family...

...all you have to do is look at me, and I'm off to the races.

- Hello, darling. - Hi.

- How are you? - Oh, I'm beat.

I started to take a shower, but I was too tired.

Me too. I'm dead.

I know one thing. I'll never take that car into town again. Ever.

Boy, were you smart to take the train.

I wasn't smart.

You got the car first.

Well, it was absolutely useless.

- I couldn't even get into a parking lot. - Yeah?

So I left it in front of Bonwit's.

Here.

Thanks.

"Unlawful parking."

On 5th Avenue?

Twenty-five bucks.

Oh, but, darling, I found just what I wanted.

Bought a dress at Bonwit's, a lovely watermelon shantung.

Fine. Now you've got something fit to wear into Saks.

- Oh, what time is it? - Five o'clock.

Oh, I almost forgot.

My chart.

Poor kid.

She's certainly trying.

If we don't have a baby, there's no justice.

Augie.

Augie.

Honey, I just called Dr. Vancouver, and he said to get hold of you right away.

It's up.

What--? What's up?

My temperature.

Oh.

It is?

Yeah.

You know.

He said we have to hurry.

Because I have to be in Dr. Vancouver's office in 30 minutes.

You have to drive me there because he doesn't want me to exert myself, okay?

- Oh, honey. - Huh?

Honey, uh...

...can't we put it off till tomorrow?

Augie, no, we can't.

Tomorrow it won't be the same.

Well, tonight, then?

Honey, he won't be in his office tonight. He's waiting for us now.

If you're too tired to drive, I can call a cab.

Oh, dear, that's not the point.

I'm perfectly willing to drive you.

Well, what is it, then?

Darling, I've been in town since early this morning.

It was a hundred and five.

People were dropping like flies.

I left my footprints in the cement.

All I wanna do is take a cold shower and get into b--

All I wanna do is take a cold shower.

Augie Poole, we're wasting valuable time.

Dr. Vancouver will be leaving his office at 6. Now come on.

Oh, what does Vancouver think I am?

UNIVAC?

Augie, I don't understand you.

I thought you wanted a baby. Why, you were willing to do anything.

I am, dear.

Anything within reason.

Well, Dr. Vancouver said, "When the graph hits this spot, you get your husband.

And afterwards, be in my office within 30 minutes."

Oh, just like that, huh?

"Here's a prescription.

Hurry up, fill it. I'm double-parked."

Augie Poole, are you or are you not going to cooperate?

Honey, I wanna cooperate, believe me, but you gotta consider my graph.

You gotta give me a little time.

Darling, you know I love you...

...and I wanna do anything in the world to make you happy...

...but I can't meet a deadline.

Dr. Vancouver?

This is Mrs. Poole again.

I'm sorry but I couldn't get hold of my husband...

...and I don't think you'd better wait.

Yes, I'm sorry too, doctor, but anyway, thanks for trying.

Goodbye, doctor.

Darling?

Darling, I'm sorry...

...but look, I want a baby just as much as you do.

Maybe even more.

You know that, don't you?

You always said you did.

And you know how much I love you.

Oh, Augie, sometimes I ask myself, is love enough?

I know, I've got a weak character, that's true...

...but I warned you about that before we were married...

...and I'm a failure to boot.

But I told you at the time I was a potential failure.

My one redeeming feature is that I've never wavered in my love for you.

But maybe you're right.

Maybe...

...love isn't enough.

Oh, you contemptible cad!

Darling.

Why do I keep falling for that helpless little boy routine?

Oh, thank goodness you do.

The main thing is we want a baby...

...and if we want one badly enough, somewhere, somehow we'll get one.

So let's just relax and see what happens, huh?

From now on, we'll let nature carry the ball.

And from now on, let me call the signals.

Okay.

But you have to promise me one thing.

- What? - Never to mention the word failure again.

Even kidding.

Oh, I don't know, dear.

Maybe I'd better get a regular job and forget about art.

Never. Never till my dying day...

...will I let you settle for anything less than you want to be.

If van Gogh had been married to a woman like you, he'd still have both his ears.

But dear, we can't keep living on your grandmother's money.

Not that I'm too honorable, but it's running out.

Think we made a big mistake buying this house?

When we have children, you'll be glad we're out here.

The city's no place for kids.

Oh, yeah, I suppose you're right.

But I loved our first year in the Village, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

You know what I remember most vividly about those days?

What?

Those long winter afternoons without any heat...

...when we had to get into bed to keep warm.

Dr. Vancouver, please.

"At least our work hasn't been in vain.

They're going to say grace."

Hey, that's a darn funny gag, Augie.

But you don't like my drawing.

Look, my boy, I'm not an art critic. I'm only an editor.

Why don't you break down and sell us your gags?

You could make some real dough.

- And you'll need it when you get that kid. - Oh, let the kid make his own dough.

I'm an artist, not a gag man.

Okay, suit yourself.

Mind if I use your phone?

A rhetorical question.

Westport Arms? Miss Terry McBain, please.

Hello, Terry, Dick.

Fine.

And you?

Good.

Good.

Look, Terry, I find I'll be free this afternoon.

Why don't I drop over and we can discuss your libretto?

Okay, baby.

I'll see you later.

Thanks, pal.

A lady librettist, huh?

Oh, what a lovely thing.

Just to look at her sends the blood coursing through my veins.

In contrast to the usual route it takes.

Boy, I don't get it.

Lovely wife, three kids...

...another one on the way, and you're always on the prowl.

Why? What for? I don't understand you.

How could you? You're too darn normal.

Now, wait a minute. I resent that.

Of course you are, you're like that plant. You need more elbow room.

More dirt. A bigger jardiniГЁre. You'll never be an artist.

You're denying yourself the emotional soil your roots need.

You're potbound.

Potbo--?

Why, you mixed-up Luther Burbank.

You just attacked me for being too normal.

That's a perfect example of doublethink.

One thing doesn't contradict the other. Almost all normal people are inhibited.

Hold it, doctor. Hold it.

Let me get comfortable.

You know, there's nothing as smug as a monogamous man.

You mind if I have a drink?

Another rhetorical question.

Oh, now look what you've done. You've touched my quivering conscience.

All right, I'll call my date off.

Thataway, pal.

What's another moose head over the fireplace in your life?

All right for you to talk. You've never heard the call of the great unknown.

Drop that bottle.

As long as you're my wife, don't ever do that again.

- Hi, dear. - Did Rock-A-Bye call while I was out?

No. You gotta be patient, they'll get around to us.

- The investigator might be checking now. - No--

If we're gonna be investigated...

...maybe we all better cut down on those late parties and drinking.

Alice, we want a baby but we can't liquidate Dick entirely.

Investigated? They might be sneaking behind our backs without our knowing it?

Sure, they'll assign a caseworker to us.

A woman with her hair skun back in a bun...

...and a mouth like a mail slot.

Typical American gothic.

And leave us ask ourselves what virtues she'll expect to find...

...in the prospective parents and their cosigners.

First, stability, then solvency, next, uh...

...sobriety...

...and finally...

...chastity.

Darn mice.

These barns.

Everybody knows this barn's converted but the mice.

I wish I was back in the Village where the rats come out and fight.

- Hello, Augie. - Hi.

- Going bicycling? - No, mice.

Oh, mind if I use your phone?

- Yours out of order? - No, no, I can't make this at home.

Oh, another personal call, huh?

Yeah.

I see your quivering conscience has subsided.

I'll get to you in a minute.

Westport Arms?

Uh, Miss Terry McBain, please?

She's not in.

No, no, no, no message.

Thank you.

You've been taking potshots at my morality, and I don't like it.

Look, I don't care what you do on your own time...

...but we're trying to get a baby.

So while you're my reference, I wish you'd cool off.

I might as well have given Bluebeard.

You'll just love the Pooles.

And Isolde's the most wonderful woman, Miss Novick.

And Augie is such a darling. Our children are just crazy about him.

He would make the most wonderful father.

He's such a loyal and devoted husband. As a matter of fact...

...he and my husband are the only two men in Westport that I can really vouch for.

Well. Well, it was nice to meet you, Mrs. Pepper.

- Oh. Thank you. - Thank you.

- Well, goodbye. - Goodbye.

Isolde.

- Isolde, where are you? - Over here.

Isolde, come here.

Come here.

Isolde...

...she's here.

- Who? - The investigator.

From Rock-A-Bye.

She's very businesslike and shrewd, but I gave you a terrific sendoff.

- I hope I didn't lay it on too thick. - Thanks. Where is she?

- She's at the Marshall's checking on them. - For what?

Oh, honey, they always keep tabs on adoptive parents for the first year.

That's until the baby's legal.

She'll be here any minute. You better change. You look too masculine.

- Oh, yes. - Slip into something sweet and motherly.

Oh, I know. I'm a Brownie leader. I'll put on my scout uniform.

Oh, Alice.

Now you're going too far.

You're taking advantage, you little rat.

You hide in my bathroom, will you?

Come here.

Lousy mice all over the joint.

Wait till I get that exterminator.

Mr. Poole?

Uh, yeah. Mm-hm.

May I come in?

Oh, yes. Yes, please do.

Is Mrs. Poole at home?

Oh, she's probably dressing.

I'll get her.

Whom shall I say is calling?

Estelle Novick.

Oh, you're coming back for more, huh? Well, this time, you won't make it.

- What is it? - It's a mouse.

Don't worry. I'll get him.

Bah.

He's gone.

He's in training, I'm not. That's the trouble.

- Mr. Poole-- - He's gone.

Till he gets his second wind.

- Would you like a drink? - No, thank you.

I think I'd better have one.

I've been tense all day.

What do you attribute your tension to, Mr. Poole?

Probably these damn mice. We can't lick them.

If we can't lick them, maybe we ought to join them.

I'll, uh, get my wife.

Mm.

Say, are you and Isolde old college pals?

No, I went to school in Paris.

I'm doing social work while I'm writing my doctor's thesis.

Well, why can't your doctor write his own thesis?

You know, I've had that gag bottled up for 10 years...

...just waiting for somebody to say what you've just said.

That calls for a drink. Come on, let me fix you one.

- I never drink while I'm on duty. - Oh.

Uh, community chest, huh?

I give what I can.

Oh, it's a very worthy cause. I'll make a contribution.

We may be using it ourselves any day now...

...if the price of Scotch keeps going up.

You sure you won't have one?

I find most people drink to escape from something.

What do you drink to escape from, Mr. Poole?

The ravages of alcohol.

Very amusing.

What school did you go to, Mr. Poole?

Oh, I never went past high school.

- How did you get along there? - Terrible.

Everybody hated me because I was so popular.

Tell me, Mr. Poole, do you like children?

Oh, I'm crazy about them.

As a matter of fact, I'm trying to adopt one.

That's commendable.

Do you realize what you're letting yourself in for?

I sure do...

...and you can bet on one thing:

None of that progressive junk around here.

I see you have theories.

I certainly have.

How would you deal with a child who won't eat?

Send him to bed without any supper.

How would you compare the problem...

...of raising children from 1 to 5 with those from 5 to 7?

Which do you think is the more important period?

Five to 7.

- Why? - Because that's the cocktail hour.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi.

It's all right, you can come in.

I can?

Thanks. I thought it might be private.

No, it's not, but--

Oh.

I was just about to take a--

I was just about to take a shower.

Miss Novick, uh, community chest, this is Mr. Pepper.

I'll be back in a minute, Miss Novick.

Well, well, it's nice to know you, Miss Novick.

The community chest is looking up.

I guess you're about to call on me. I live right next door.

Look, I take care of all my charities down at the office.

Drop in any day around 1 and we can have some lunch...

...and talk things over.

How would your wife feel about you making dates like this?

Would you like to have me bring a note from her saying it's okay?

If you'll just wait a second, Miss Novick, I'll get my checkbook.

ESTELLE- Don't bother, Mr. Poole. - Why not?

I think you ought to know your friend made a pass at me.

Well, naturally...

...but is that any reason you can't accept my contribution?

A pass? You call that a pass?

Mr. Pepper, perhaps I'd better tell you who I am.

- I'm from Rock-A-Bye. - Rock-A-Bye?

Oh, that's the agency we're trying to get the bab--

Rock-A-Bye?

That's right. That's why I'm here.

You mean...

...you're the--

You're the investigator?

I am, unfortunately.

Well, of all the lousy tricks.

Telling me you were from the community chest.

I did not. Mr. Poole told you.

Well, sure I told him, but that's beside the point.

If you're gonna be an investigator, look like one.

That aphrodisiac perfume you got on, and that subversive neckline.

What the hell is this, an obstacle course?

I'm sorry, Mr. Poole, but I'm afraid that you're not ideal father material.

Oh, and I suppose he is, just because he's a do-it-yourself addict.

Wait a minute, Miss Novick. Please don't make any snap judgments.

You don't know how much this means to us.

I'm a very loyal and devoted husband.

Why, I'm the laughingstock of Westport, I'm so inhibited.

- You are? - Yes.

Mr. Poole, do you ever think of the children who are victims of broken homes?

Yes, I do.

When I can no longer bear to think of them...

...I think of the victims of intact ones.

Why, I know parents right this minute...

...you should be out taking children away from.

I'm sorry, Mr. Poole, but that's not my job. Good day.

- Oh, Miss Novick. - Oh, look, can't you be a little human?

I made a mistake, but that's the way I am.

Disarmingly direct, playful, even childlike.

Unfortunately, Mr. Pepper, we're not putting you out for adoption.

Oh, there you are, Miss Novick.

This is Mrs. Poole.

How do you do, Miss Novick?

How do you do?

- You're not leaving, are you? - Yes, I am.

Mr. Poole and Mr. Pepper told me everything I need to know.

Aren't you going to interview me?

I mean, after all, I'm going to be the mother.

It really won't be necessary.

Thank you. Goodbye.

That's the oddest thing I've ever seen.

What could've happened?

Something must've happened.

Well, nothing happened, dear.

I was just chasing a mouse, and she busted in.

- And you've been drinking too. - Yes, I had a drink.

Why, what about it?

- Augie, what else? - Nothing else, dear.

Frankly, I'm very unimpressed with Rock-A-Bye.

I think we ought to forget them and apply to some other place.

Rock-A-Bye has one of the best reputations in the East.

Why, they get some of the best babies there.

They're right between Yale and Smith.

Anyhow, you're not passing on her, she's passing on you.

I know exactly what happened.

- You made a big fool of yourself. - No.

- I can see it. Running around half-drunk. - I'm not.

No wonder that woman left here in a hurry.

- Now, Isolde, darling, listen to me, please? - Oh, leave me alone.

Come on, dear. You come over to my place.

And to think I put on this uniform.

Augie, I'm terribly sorry.

But did I know who she was?

You told me community chest...

...and I figured it was time I got something out of them.

Are you out for a world's record?

Can't you pass up one dame?

I have never yet gone after a woman...

...unless she sent out a certain signal like radar.

I didn't notice any signal.

Your extrasensory perceptions have been dulled by years of disuse.

She lit up like that sign over Madison Square Garden.

"Wrestling tonight."

Oh, you're crazy.

I'm not what she's looking for, but she's looking.

- Mark my words. - My friend.

My reference. What are you trying to prove?

You're right, what am I trying to prove?

I've asked myself the same question a hundred times...

...and every time it's over, I have a terrific sense of guilt.

- Oh, but you wait till it's over, huh? - Sure.

I feel I deserve this guilt...

...and when I don't have it, I'm uncomfortable.

So I try to recapture the guilt by chasing around.

Why do you keep chasing around if it's that much trouble?

I've got to get back to that feeling of guilt.

- You gotta get back to it? - Yeah.

I have to suffer for chasing around. That's why I'm going to an analyst.

Does he tell you all this?

No, I tell him.

You don't know what I'm going through.

- How could you? - Oh, no, no, no, of course not.

I'm too normal.

Normal? You, normal?

Why, you're even worse than I am. Look at you, you're all shook up.

Oh.

Here, have a tranquilizer.

- They safe? - Sure, sure.

They make some people a little sleepy but I eat them like popcorn.

That's why you're always so tranquil, huh?

And you, you're all tied up in knots.

- That's why you don't have any children. - Oh, that's ridiculous.

Yeah? Let me tell you something else. You'll never get anywhere until you unwind.

You won't unwind until you break out of your cocoon.

Live a little.

It's not gonna hurt Isolde.

It will help her. It will help you both.

Mm-hm. Now, according to your logic, if I chase around with another woman...

...then I'll have a child with my own wife?

Well, I don't guarantee it, but what can you lose?

You're not getting anywhere your way.

Here, you keep those. You need them more than I do.

Insufferable ass.

Trying to get me to join his share-the-guilt club.

Well, they're not gonna steamroller me.

I'd love to know what happened over there.

There's more to this than meets the eye.

- Hello? - Alice?

Is Isolde there?

Oh, Augie.

Yes, she's here.

- It's Augie. - Tell him I'm busy.

- She's busy. - Well, I thought...

...she'd come out to dinner with me, just the two of us.

He wants to go out to dinner with you, alone.

Tell him I'm not hungry.

I'm fed up.

Anything else?

No, that's plenty.

It's so unfair.

Guilt by association.

Oh, well, what are you doing back here?

You come to nail a denunciation on my door?

No, this is an unofficial call.

- May I come in? - Look, Miss Novick.

If you wanna play Margaret Mead, go to Scarsdale.

Please, Mr. Poole. I've been thinking it over.

It was partly my fault...

...and if you can find another reference, we'll reconsider your application.

- Really? - Mm-hm.

Oh, that's wonderful, Miss Novick. Come on in.

- I'll get my wife. She's next door. - Wait.

I made a few remarks about you as a father...

...but I want you to realize there was nothing personal.

Just my job.

Personally, I think you're a very attractive man, Mr. Poole.

- You do? - Mm-hm.

Well, deep down, I knew you were warm and human, Miss Novick.

Don't worry, I'll get an impeccable reference this time if I have to go to Bridgeport.

Oh, surely you must know a nice family man in this community.

Oh, I know dozens...

...uh...

...but if you go calling on them, I can't guarantee a thing.

Why, thank you.

You're welcome.

I'll take that drink now.

- Well. - I'm off duty.

Oh, fine.

A dual personality, huh?

Stern and forbidding during the workday...

...charming...

...and feminine after dark.

Oh, what will you have?

A double Scotch.

A really dual personality.

You know, Miss Novick...

...it's hard to think of you as a man of science.

I run into that all the time.

I'll bet.

Last year, I was with a team of anthropologists...

...and we made a study of sexual patterns in New Guinea.

Yeah, I guess there's a lot of that going on there too.

You know what, Miss Novick?

What?

You make me glad I'm inhibited.

You keep saying you're inhibited, but I don't see any evidence of it.

Well, that's the funny thing.

I feel relaxed with you.

Released, you know what I mean?

Yes, I think I do.

It's what the poets call the shock of recognition.

The shock of recognition.

Yeah.

Maybe he was right.

Who?

Are you doing anything tonight?

Not really.

Neither am I.

What about Mrs. Poole?

Mrs. Poole walked out in high dudgeon. Left me to my own devices.

Will you be one of my devices, Miss Novick?

We'll drive into town for dinner.

I know a lovely spot with an air-conditioned garden.

We'll put the top down and let the wind rush through our hair.

In the interest of pure research, doc...

...I wanna be on your team.

What am I doing here?

How am I going to square this with Isolde?

Where'll I tell her I've been?

Oh, why did I listen to that silly jerk next door?

Unwind?

I'm tight as a drum.

I better have another one of those tranquilizers.

What's that?

Tranquilizer. You want one?

No, thank you.

You're in luck, lady. We've got one left.

Thank you. Will you help me, please?

All right, pull it up here.

Hey, mister.

Hey, mister.

Wake up.

What--? What--?

- Where--? Where is--? Where--? - Yeah, I know. Where am I?

Hey, what is this place?

TV Motel. Fully air-conditioned.

Well, where is it?

Route 22.

Well, how did I get here?

Night manager says you pulled in with a lady.

A lady?

Well, when did she leave?

I don't know. I came on at noon.

- What time is it now? - It's 2 p.m. Checkout time.

She left you a note.

"Dear Mr. Poole...

...your car keys are in the glove compartment.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

You were wonderful.

Affectionately, Estelle Novick."

It's a good thing you didn't hit the house. You'd have knocked it over.

Sunday papers come?

Yeah.

Boy...

...no wonder this country's full of slipped discs.

Here.

Now, let's see what's new in the real estate section.

- Are you still looking? - Mm-hm.

We haven't paid the interest on the mortgage for this one yet.

Just curious. I like to see who stuck who with what.

Hey, listen to this.

"Westport. Lovely old colonial manse recently renovated...

...with lovely grist mill and pond situated behind house...

...in sun-drenched sylvan glen."

That must be Bill Paxton's dump with the swamp in back.

You know why they're selling, don't you?

No, why?

They're getting a divorce.

- They are? - Mm-hm.

I thought they were the happiest couple west of the tollgate.

Oh, she caught him red-handed, and with her best friend.

- No. - Yes.

Someone she knew?

Oh, that's unforgivable.

Sure is. And that was her attitude.

Well, I always thought Ethel was the broad-minded, understanding type.

Like you.

Well, just thank goodness you're not Bill's type.

Yeah.

Oh, darling, here's an article on adoption.

"Can the official adoption agencies meet the needs of hopeful parents?"

Boy, would I like to write an article.

Bureaucrats.

Red tape.

It's been months since we put in at Rock-A-Bye...

...and we haven't heard a word from them.

Or the Cradle or the Crib.

We will, dear.

I'm sure we will.

- Come on. - There you go.

- Come on, over here. - Hey, over here, come on.

- Come on up. - Let's go.

Pipe down, you kids, or I'll send the pack of you to boarding school.

Wouldn't hurt to play with your children once in a while.

We have nothing in common. They bore me.

Being a parent is just feeding the mouth that bites you.

Hey, Dick.

Hi, Augie.

Could I talk to you for a minute? It's important.

What is it? You're worried about something.

Your jaw is slack, your eyes are glazed, you have a surprised expression.

That describes exactly the way I feel.

All right, come on in.

Now, shut up or I'll send you to reform school.

Look, Dick, I'm in a jam.

A bad one.

- I feel suffocated, as if I were drowning. - Come on in. Come in.

Remember the evening Isolde walked out on me...

...and I disappeared and didn't show up till the next afternoon?

Oh. That was it, huh? I often wondered what you told Isolde.

Well, I told her I got in the car and started to drive to cool off.

Suddenly, without realizing it, I found myself in the Bronx.

- So far, you've told me. - I was going over the bridge...

...that swings open to let the boats through, you know?

Well, when I got in the middle, it swung around and I was on it.

The machinery got stuck and they couldn't swing it back.

You're beginning to lose me.

So I told her I had to sleep in the car all night until they got it back again.

And she believed that?

Well, certainly. Why shouldn't she? I've never lied to her...

- ...before. - Amazing.

What really happened?

I went down the parkway.

No bridge.

With a girl.

Who? Do I know her?

- Well, you've met her. - Yeah?

Who? Come on, don't be coy, spill it.

Miss Novick.

- Who? - Don't you remember?

The investigator from Rock-A-Bye.

The dish? No.

Yes. A happy choice, don't you think?

I took your advice and unwound...

...all around Miss Novick.

Oh, my poor boy, that sort of thing is not for you.

It's out of character. You're not the type.

Not with stuff like Novick.

She's not for amateurs, she's for the pros.

Oh, stop patronizing me, you Madison Avenue extrovert.

All right, all right, I'm sorry.

Then what happened?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

Well, between the double drinks I had and that box of tranquilizers...

...all I can tell you is that I woke up the next afternoon in a motel.

In a motel? That's bad.

Thanks. Now you tell me.

- How long has it been going on? - It hasn't been going on at all.

I only saw her that once until a week ago.

She called me and said she wanted to see me.

So I hightailed it up to New Haven and asked her what it was all about.

And?

There was a pregnant pause.

How far?

If winter comes, can spring be far behind?

Where's your Bible?

It's a little late for that.

Well, when I was a kid, I had a superstition...

...that I could always get a clue as to how something was gonna turn out...

...by putting my finger at random on a Bible text.

Because anything can be interpreted any way that's convenient.

What does it say?

"And Zorbabel begat Abind...

...and Abind begat Eliakim...

...and Eliakim begat Azor."

It goes on that way for a whole chapter.

Well, there doesn't seem to be any ambiguity about that.

- Maybe I'll try two out of three. - No, no, no. That's it. That's it.

The question that comes to mind is, will she lay it at your door?

For an editor and a man who is supposed to know good English...

...you don't use it.

No, what I meant was, what will she expect of you?

Well, I'll do right by her.

Obviously, there's only one way, with money.

So if the Townsman still wants me, I'll sign that contract.

- We want you. - Do I get an advance if I sign?

- A thousand-- - I gotta have the check today.

- Why? - I'm meeting her at 1:00.

- Here, in Westport? You're crazy. - She's leaving town.

She's going upstate to have the baby.

Can't you give me your check and collect from the office?

Okay, okay. You're not the cad you thought you were.

Here. Here's a blank check.

Impossible.

How did you--?

Where did--?

Oh, it's impossible.

Oh, come on now, don't start that again.

- Thanks. - Where you going?

- Church. - Church?

There are no atheists in foxholes.

I wonder where Augie is. He's late.

Oh, he's probably over at the driving range hitting a bucket of balls or something.

Frankly, I'm worried about him.

He's acting very strangely.

In what way, darling?

Well, for one thing, he's never been so thoughtful or so attentive.

Well, that's a new complaint.

Well, I think I know what it is that's bothering him, but it's so unreasonable.

You see, even though Dr. Vancouver has assured him time and time again...

...that it's not his fault we haven't had a child...

...he thinks he's to blame, that something's the matter with him.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Dick, maybe you could talk to him. Could you?

Tell him it's all in his mind.

Oh, I will, I will, I will.

I'll try to convince him it's all in his mind.

You bet.

Hi.

Oh, Miss Novick! How wonderful to see you.

Oh, what a surprise.

I was passing and I thought I'd drop by and say hello.

Oh, hello, indeed.

You're just in time for lunch.

Mr. Pepper's barbecuing some steaks.

Oh, I'm sorry, but I can't stay.

Aw. Alice, look, it's Miss Novick.

- Hello, Mrs. Pepper. - Hello.

- You look radiant. - Oh, thank you.

This should be the happiest time of your life.

Oh, it is. This time every year.

You know Mr. Pepper, our reference?

Oh, yes.

- Would you like a cocktail? - Yes, thank you.

- All right. - Dick?

Dick.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, Miss Novick, I'm so glad you came back.

We had sort of given up hope of ever hearing from Rock-A-Bye.

Oh, we finally got rid of the mice, and my husband's on the wagon and--

Oh, I'm so excited, I don't know what I'm talking about, really.

Oh, Mr. Poole's going to-- Oh, darling.

Come on in, Augie.

Just the usual crowd.

Darling, Miss Novick is here.

She came back. Isn't it wonderful?

Augie, we were just talking about you.

Were your ears burning?

Hello, Mr. Poole. How nice to see you again.

Uh....

No, thank you. I think I better have that drink some other time.

I really must be going.

I hope we'll see you again, Miss Novick, or be hearing from you.

Now, don't raise your hopes too high...

...but I do know of a case. You'll have to be patient.

It'll take five or six months.

Oh, five or six months.

Oh, Miss Novick, we really don't care.

Oh, that's nothing, if we knew there was a chance.

And you're saving three months on the regular route.

You see, darling? The reward of virtue.

Now, remember...

...no promises, but I'm going to try my best for you.

I think you'll make a wonderful mother, Mrs. Poole.

Oh, thank you, Miss Novick.

And before I make my recommendation, is there anything else you'd like to tell me?

Well, I may as well be frank even if it ruins our chances, Miss Novick.

Our financial situation isn't too good.

But money shouldn't be the big thing here, should it?

I mean, it's what we can give:

Our love, care, our devotion.

That's what really counts, isn't it?

Isn't it, Miss Novick?

That's right, Mrs. Poole.

That is what counts.

Darling...

...you can stop worrying.

I just signed a contract with the Townsman.

Oh, Augie, that's wonderful.

They're using your drawings.

Well, not really my drawings.

Just the gags under them.

Oh, darling, why did you do it?

If we're gonna have a family, I have to start making some money.

My kid's got to have the best.

If you don't mind, I'd like to talk to your husband privately for a moment.

I have a few questions to put to him...

...that might prove embarrassing in front of others.

You understand?

Yes, of course.

Come on, Dick.

- It was nice to see you again, Miss Novick. - Thank you.

It was more than nice, Miss Novick.

It was awe-inspiring.

Miss Novick...

...what are you doing here?

You were supposed to meet me at the church.

There are four churches in the village, but you didn't tell me which one.

Oh, well, what did you mean you're gonna do your best?

That's the least I can do after all you've done for me.

After all I've done for you?

Yes.

Oh, the check.

- Thank you so much. - You're welcome.

It's merely a loan, of course.

- Someday I will return it. - No.

No, I don't want you to return it.

Oh, but I must.

I've said to myself, I have a friend in Mr. Poole.

And if I ever have trouble, he is the one I should turn to.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, fine. But what about the baby?

Oh, I'll take care of the baby too, of course.

- Well, goodbye, Mr. Poole. - Goodbye.

I don't think we'll meet again.

After my confinement, I'm leaving for the Australian archipelago.

And I can't take a baby on a field trip.

Oh, I've got a better idea. You stay here and I'll go to the archipelago.

Goodbye, Mr. Poole.

Goodbye.

Oh, what a ridiculous idea this is.

Throwing a party for the Poole baby that isn't here yet.

- How do we know they'll get it?

They'll get it. Isolde always gets everything she goes after.

Now, remember, darling, tonight, don't drink too much.

Why? I don't have to drive you home.

We are home.

Just remember, you're the host.

Okay, okay. I promise not to enjoy myself.

How do I look?

I bought this last year and this is the first I've put it on.

Oh, it's a lovely dress, darling.

Yes, and this time, I'm going to get some wear out of it.

What a stupid idea.

Throwing a clambake for a baby that's not even born yet.

It's not only for our baby.

Alice told me she was dying to give a party now that she's got her figure back.

- Oh, yeah. - Here, let me do that.

- You're so nervous. - No, I'm not nervous, dear.

The prospect of fatherhood has you terrified.

- That's not true. - I understand, darling.

Under the circumstances, it's perfectly normal.

Oh, it just shows you.

No matter what happens to me, I'm still normal.

- Fellas, nice to see you. - Nice to see you again.

- Thanks for the invitation. - Nice of you to come.

Alice, Dick, so nice of you to ask me.

May I present Miss Gladys Dunne, the actress.

- Hello. - How do you do? I've seen you on TV.

Oh, I've tried a few things on TV to see if I'd like it.

Miss Dunne is going to play here in the Shakespeare festival.

Yes, I'm a pushover for Shakespeare.

Well, till Shakespeare gets here, how about this dance?

I'd love it.

- Ah. You're ready. - You're getting an early start.

Isn't that your second drink?

Well, dear, I get nervous just waiting around.

Come on. Let's get going.

We don't wanna be the first ones there.

Well, if we don't hurry, we won't fit in the joint.

Look, come on.

Oh, all right.

- I look all right? - Oh, you look great.

- Hello, everybody. - Hi.

- Hi, Alice. - Hi, darling.

- Oh, it looks so lovely. - Thank you.

- Say, where's Dick? - Oh, he's mingling.

I've seen that girl on television.

She opens all those refrigerators.

She sure is defrosting tonight.

Oh, come on. Come on.

- Excuse me, darling. - Okay.

- Hi. Hi. - Hey.

Isolde, you look adorable.

- So do you. - Thank you.

- Thanks for letting me wear the fur. - Isn't it divine?

- I love it. - Dick told me to take good care of it...

...because it's the last thing I'm ever gonna get from him.

Hey, Augie.

Oh, hi.

Augie Poole, Gladys Dunne.

- Hello there. - Hello.

Are you a native of Westport?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's my barn right over there.

Oh, barns fascinate me.

I've always wanted to live in a barn.

Why don't you?

I have hay fever.

You can always take the hay out and keep mice. That's what I did.

That's a fascinating idea.

Yeah, well, I'll send you some mice to get you started.

Say, you're cute.

Suppose you get me a drink to get me started.

Yes, ma'am.

Let's dance our way over.

Hello, Mrs. Poole.

Oh, Dr. Vancouver. How are you?

- Not very well. - That's nice.

I have a bad cold, my chest hurts, and I may even have a fever.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that, doctor.

What's that?

Oh, I'd love to dance.

Uh....

Why don't we sit down? I'll get you that drink.

All right.

What will it be?

- Do you what I'm having? - No.

A lousy time.

Why don't we go over to your barn? You can show me your sketches.

- Oh, no, I can't. I'm the guest of honor. - Oh.

Well, then get me a martini.

All right.

Pour me one and mix a very dry martini, will you?

Don't overdo it, Augie. Easy does it.

I have to do something to quiet my nerves.

Alice's brilliant idea.

I know.

Any news from upstate?

Only this postcard.

"Still working on it.

Best, Estelle Novick."

Novick, a giant among women.

Give her credit. She didn't have anybody to help her, like Kinsey.

She had to do her own research.

Door-to-door.

Hope this is dry enough.

What is this, a lethal weapon?

Strictly regulation.

Nine to one.

This one may do it.

And if it does, I'm going to hold you responsible.

- You will? - Mm-hm.

Thank you, Mrs. Poole.

I feel a little dizzy. I think I'll go in and lie down.

Why don't you do that, doctor?

Thank you.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Hmm.

Looks like she's picked Augie as the target for tonight.

You can't blame Augie. She threw herself at him.

Yes, she's got a lot more to throw at him than I have.

And most of it's out in the open.

It's a shame to see so much valuable space going to waste.

She should be advertising something.

She is advertising something.

The clinging-vine type, all right.

Well, I'm gonna tell her to grow up on a wall...

...and leave my husband alone.

- Darling, they're playing our song. - What?

You don't mind if I dance with my husband, do you?

Isolde, I've never felt less worthy of you...

...or needed you more than I do now.

Augie, you sound as if something horrible were going to happen.

Darling, nothing's going to happen to us. We're happily married.

- We're going to stay that way. - Let's make a pact right now.

All right, a pact.

- Let's shake on it. - Okay.

Hey, what's all this?

Kissing your husband in broad moonlight, eh?

Shh. Don't get it around. We'll be ridden out of town on a rail.

Oh, it's a wonderful party.

Oh, it's nothing at all. I'll write it off. Not in my tax, just my income.

Say, speaking of income.

We got the strangest thing in the mail this morning.

You know, the Townsman sent us a slip for our tax return...

...and there's a thousand dollars that I can't account for.

In your favor or against?

Well, they claim that they've paid us $12,000...

...and all I can add up is 11.

I thought maybe you might know something about it.

- Twelve thousand dollars? - Mm-hm.

Say...

...that's pretty good for such a short time.

Yes, but you see, I'm a little confused because we only received 11.

Oh? Oh, I know what it was.

They held out $1000 for the withholding tax.

Oh, no, it can't be that.

We paid the tax ourselves.

Oh.

Well, the fact of the matter is I've been playing the stock market a little.

I promised Alice I wouldn't.

Well, she was right.

I needed a thousand to get out and Augie came through.

Oh.

So you owe Augie $1000.

Yeah.

Never mentioned it, huh?

No.

No, he didn't mention it.

Oh, but, Dick, we could use it now if you're through with it.

Oh, I-- I'm through with it all right.

Wasn't it a beautiful party?

Great.

Good night, dear.

Augie?

I've been trying to figure out my checkbook all day...

...but it just doesn't balance.

If your checkbook doesn't balance, then the bank is wrong.

Good night, dear.

Well, I couldn't be a thousand dollars out of the way.

A thousand?

- Even? - To the penny.

Well, the bank's closed tonight, dear.

Why don't you wait till tomorrow and call them?

Oh, I did call them, darling, this morning.

There's no mistake, Augie.

Oh.

Well, I guess I'd better come clean, dear.

Yes?

O, what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive!

Who was it that said that?

The cashier at the Westport Bank.

Yeah.

Well, uh, the truth is, dear...

...before I ever signed with the Townsman, I'd been borrowing from Dick.

Oh, 50 here, 20 there.

Pocket money. You know how it mounts up.

Of course.

To a thousand.

Well, I didn't wanna go to you for it.

- So you went to Dick. - Yeah.

You men certainly have a strong union.

Well, we need one if we're going to stay in business with women, heh-heh.

Oh, I should've told you about this before, dear.

I guess it was just my silly pride.

Well, it was silly, Augie.

You know that anything we have is ours together.

Oh, I know that, darling...

...but every time I had to go to you for anything...

...I felt like a hopeless failure.

Isolde, you're not listening.

Oh, I am. I heard every word.

You felt like a hopeless failure.

Well...

...good night, darling.

Sleep well.

You sleep well too, darling.

It's all right, dear. Don't get up. Don't get up. I'll take him for a walk.

- What's up? - Do you know what happened?

- No, what? - Isolde cornered me about that thousand.

- She did? - Yeah.

Let's get this story straight.

I was a little tight when she cornered me.

But I think I told Isolde...

...that you lent me a grand to cover some stock losses.

- Oh, no! - But don't worry about it. She swallowed it.

But I told her you lent me a thousand.

- Then it won't stay down. - No, it won't.

All right. I'll say that I was covering up for you...

...because I didn't know that you'd told her that you'd borrowed from me, right?

Oh, not even Alice would fall for that.

No, she wouldn't.

What's more, I'm supposed to give you a thousand dollars.

Give it to me. I'll hold onto it till this blows over.

- Give it to--? - Shh.

- Give it to you? - Yes.

You couldn't squeeze 1000 out of me if you put me in a Waring mixer.

Give me a check and date it ahead.

If I gave you a check, it'd bounce from Westport to Port Arthur.

Quiet, baby. Baby, oh, baby. Baby, baby, no.

It's not fair, there's no justice.

Here I am trying to dig up a grand as a down payment...

...you get a kid every year on the house.

Shh. Good boy. Dickie boy.

- Alice. - Yeah?

Remember I told you that Augie's acting very funny lately?

- Uh-huh. - Well, it's getting worse.

Well, you know how careless and absent-minded he's always been?

Lately, he's been making my breakfast and bringing it up to me on a tray.

That could be the start of a nervous breakdown.

Not only that, but he walks around talking to himself...

...and shaking his head.

Boy, if Dick ever waited on me...

...I'd either have him committed or have him watched.

This one's swell, Augie.

- I guess I'm funniest when I'm suffering. - Huh?

Do you realize what month this is?

Yeah, it's March.

The ides of March.

The net is drawing tighter.

Isolde, what are you doing riding a bike on these slippery roads?

You'll break your neck.

Expectant mothers are supposed to exercise up to the very last minute.

Oh, now, look, honey, you gotta stop building yourself up.

A million things could go wrong. We haven't got the kid yet.

- We haven't heard from Rock-A-Bye. - Oh, but we will.

I know we will.

Dear, you're gonna catch cold standing out here.

Come on in. I'll make you some coffee.

- He gets sweeter and sweeter. - Yeah.

We could all take a lesson from him.

Oh, Dick, I spoke to Alice...

...and she's gonna give me the check for that thousand dollars. Thanks a lot.

What?

Richard, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

After your solemn word of honor that you wouldn't fool around in the market.

- But I-- - This is a new phase:

Lying to me.

- Hello? - Mr. Poole?

Yes.

This is Miss MacCracken of Rock-A-Bye.

Who?

Miss MacCracken of Rock-A-Bye.

Rock-A-Bye.

Mr. Poole, are you there?

Yes. Yes, uh, I'm here.

Where did you say you were from?

Rock-A-Bye.

Aren't you Mr. August Poole?

Yes, this is August Poole.

Well, I have some very exciting news for you.

Is Mrs. Poole there?

Oh, no, no, no, she's not here at the moment.

- Ask her if you can take a message. - Oh, could I take a message?

No, I think you both better hear it together.

I wanna see your expression.

I'm in the village right now. I have a few stops.

I'll drop by later.

Say, 5-ish.

Yeah, sure.

Five-ish.

Like I said, the ides of March.

It's just in the offing. A prospect. Nothing definite.

- Maybe it isn't even your baby. - Oh, no, it's mine, all right. I can feel it.

Dick, I swear I'm going crazy.

Suppose Isolde finds out. What will she do?

- How's she going to find out? - Oh, you know Isolde, she's smart.

Too smart.

It would be different if it were Alice.

She wouldn't tumble if you brought a dame home and kept her in the deep freeze.

Oh, I was never cut out to lead a double life.

I can't even lead a single life.

Augie, stop torturing yourself.

And the terrible thing is I'm torn.

I want that baby.

- What? - Well, why not?

It's my child, isn't it?

It's a perfectly natural thing to want your own child.

That way lies madness, my boy.

If it were my child by a former marriage...

...nobody would think a thing of it.

Yeah, that's reasonable.

Maybe it is best to come clean and tell her everything.

Confession is good for the soul.

Only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.

Hi.

Augie.

Augie, I just came from Dr. Vancouver's office...

...and he has another lead for us. A baby.

- He has? - Yes, there's a young girl. She's just 18.

The ideal age for adoption.

No, she's a girl Dr. Vancouver's been taking care of...

...and he thinks he can arrange it.

Great, that would solve everything.

I mean, you wouldn't have to be investigated...

...and all that nonsense.

He said she's a very healthy girl from a good family.

The man must certainly be all right, he's a cadet at West Point.

A fine American boy.

Oh, darling, they're secretly married but they can't admit it.

Cadets are expelled if they marry before they graduate.

Sounds like your best bet to me.

Oh, I think so too.

Except that it doesn't seem fair to Rock-A-Bye.

Oh, Isolde, don't start cooking up a maternal feeling for an institution.

We're gonna take the first baby that pops up.

Oh, I'll gladly take the first baby that pops up.

I'm gonna tell Alice.

You better start pulling for that dark horse from West Point.

Yeah, but there's only one thing.

I've always hated the brass ever since I was in the Army.

He's not brass. This boy is undoubtedly a high type:

Healthy, intelligent, alert.

West Point. He could be president someday.

Well, what's so hot about a guy who'll do what he's done?

Stone casting is not your mГ©tier, my friend.

Why should I give this jerk preference over my own kid?

What's wrong with you? You asking for trouble?

Well, I'm pretty healthy and alert and intelligent myself.

And I didn't go to West Point on a letter from my idiot congressman.

Oh.

I see.

Your own child.

That's becoming your obsession, isn't it?

You go to the Bible for inspiration. Let me remind you of something.

When Daniel got out of the lion's den, he didn't go back for his hat.

What time is it?

It's almost 5.

You've got one chance left. That West Point entry.

Oh, I better call Vancouver and get the odds.

- It's almost post time. - Yeah.

Dr. Vancouver speaking.

Oh, doctor, I'm calling to find out about that couple you told my wife about.

That cadet and the 18-year-old girl.

Who is this?

This is Mr. Poole. I've gotta know something right away, doc.

How soon is she expecting?

Well, Mr. Poole, the whole situation has changed since I talked with your wife.

- Changed? - Yes.

The boy's parents are going to take care of his wife and baby until he graduates.

I meant to call Mrs. Poole, but I got tied up here.

Well, thanks, doctor.

I'll tell her.

Scratched.

Double-crossing quack. That's gonna be a happy marriage.

A gold bar on his shoulder and a 3-year-old kid on his lap.

Well, I'm gonna take this lying down.

Never ask for whom the bell tolls.

- Mr. Poole? - Yes.

How do you do? I'm Miss MacCracken from Rock-A-Bye.

Oh, come in, Miss MacCracken.

This is Mr. Pepper.

- Pepper? - Uh-huh.

Oh, yes, the reference for the Pooles.

Well, won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Well, uh...

...you have some news for us, Miss MacCracken?

I'll wait and tell it to both of you together.

I'll get my wife.

Isolde.

Isolde.

What is it, darling?

Can you come here for a minute?

Be right there.

Frankly, Miss MacCracken, I wish they'd sent you here in the first place.

She'll be right here.

Oh, this is my wife.

Dear, this is Miss MacCracken from Rock-A-Bye.

Oh, how do you do?

From Rock-A-Bye?

Oh, Miss MacCracken, what is it, please?

Well, first things first.

Shall we sit down?

Now...

...first, let me say, Mrs. Poole, we go to great lengths at Rock-A-Bye...

...to match the right child with the right parents.

Yes, I know.

Yesterday, we received a baby...

...we think might be the very one for you two people.

Naturally, I can't give you any of the details...

...but I understand the father is a decent sort...

...but somewhat weak and irresponsible.

Miss MacCracken, please, what is it?

Is it a boy or girl?

We don't care but we'll take anything but--

A lovely healthy boy...

...6 and one-half pounds with blond curly hair and big blue eyes.

Just made to order for you.

A boy.

With blond curly hair.

It's a boy.

Oh, when can we get him?

Today if you like.

If we like? Oh, darling, come on.

- May we come? - We want you to.

We'll take the station wagon. The heater's been fixed.

- Get the station wagon. - Oh, thank you.

Dick! I'll get a basket and put some blankets in it.

No, no, I'll do it.

Miss MacCracken, we'll meet you at the car.

Oh, this is the best part of my job.

Telling the new mothers and dads. She looks so radiant.

But you...

...you look stunned.

I do?

You must have made quite an impression down at headquarters, Mr. Poole.

I did? Why?

There were over 200 couples ahead of you...

...and all at once, your name jumped up to the top of the list.

You're a lucky man, Mr. Poole.

A mighty lucky man.

There is a tremendous demand for our little ones...

...and a very small supply.

Well, you gotta admit one thing.

What?

I finally licked the law of supply and demand.

What's the matter, son?

Now, take it easy.

Take it easy.

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it. Mama's not home.

Now, don't start anything.

Alice!

Alice, can you come over here right away?

- What is it? - It's the baby! Quick! Shh.

For Pete's sake.

- What's the matter? What's wrong? - He won't stop crying.

- And he's turning blue. Look. - Oh, he's not blue.

He's pink, and he's probably just hungry.

When did he get his last bottle?

Oh, that's right, sure.

I forgot all about that.

I'll heat the formula.

Coming up, my little friend.

Just a couple of seconds on the fire.

- Don't you keep a schedule of his feeding? - I do.

But I keep forgetting to mark it down.

He finished a fifth about an hour ago.

I don't know what's the matter with me, I can't retain anything for two minutes.

- Well, what was it? - Nothing, hunger pangs.

Almost called the fire department the way you were hollering.

Well, if I'm gonna panic, I can't keep my voice down.

Well, you call me for the next emergency.

Oh, I'm sorry, Alice. Thanks very much.

When you go into the village, would you bring me back some egg foo yung...

...and some seedless grapes?

Oh, sure, and thanks for not waiting till 2:00 in the morning.

- What's that? - Alice is off to the races again.

- Congratulations. - Oh, shut up.

- How are you coming along with the gags? - I haven't thought of anything funny.

I've got a deadline to meet, and nothing good has come in.

Oh, the heck with your deadline. I'm going crazy here.

I've had four children and nobody's seen me into a tailspin.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Perfect.

Oh, you're gonna love this today, Augie.

It's a brand new taste sensation.

We cut down on the corn syrup and added a dash of Angostura Bitters.

Oh, isn't that good, little fella? Huh?

I knew you'd go for that, you little sweetie.

Oh, I could stand here all day and just watch him.

Breathing, eating, the wonder of it.

It's a great spiritual experience.

Very touching.

- He's quiet. Just let him sleep it off now. - Hey, Dick.

Yeah?

I'm scared.

Scared? What about?

- Isolde. She suspects something. - Yeah?

Every once in a while, she looks in the crib, then she looks at me...

...then she looks back at the crib, then at me.

Like at Wimbledon.

I can imagine. When you get a look at the kid, the resemblance is frightening.

Yeah.

And your idea...

...this lousy moustache hasn't helped. Makes me look ridiculous.

We've got to do something to get Isolde's mind off that resemblance.

Well, what do you suggest? Grow a moustache on the baby?

- Hi, Alice. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

How is he?

Oh, hello, my beautiful boy.

- How's he been? - Fine.

Well, I'll run along.

What's the matter? Don't you wanna see him?

- See who? - The baby.

You seem to make a wide arc around him every time you come.

Of course I wanted to see him.

- Who do you think he looks like? - Churchill.

How is he now? Oh, he's asleep. Aw.

Where did you come from, baby dear?

Out of the nowhere into the here.

Where did you get those big blue--?

You know, it's remarkable. The girls are right.

Ever since that baby shower, I've had nothing but phone calls...

...raving about little Augie.

- Yeah? What did they say? - Well, they said he was such a darling.

And that he never cried.

Just looked up at them with that funny little crooked smile.

Just the way you're smiling now. They couldn't get over the resemblance.

Well, it's true. It's remarkable.

It's uncanny.

Oh, I think he looks much more like Isolde.

- That little mouth, that nose. It's like hers. - Oh, no, no, no.

- His mouth is much more like yours, look. - I think so. Oh, no.

- I think I'll take him inside. - Well, I'll get going.

Don't go. I wanna show you something. You too, Alice.

Oh, goody.

What do you think of that picture? Snapshot I had enlarged.

Oh, cute.

Good of him too.

Even I can tell from just one look at the kid.

Is that from the new batch I took? I didn't know you got them back.

Think it's a good likeness?

Oh, it's perfect.

- Bless his little heart. - Best I've seen.

Well, that's very interesting.

You see, it isn't a picture of little Augie at all.

It's a picture of big Augie taken some years ago...

...when he was little Augie's age.

You're not serious?

Well...

...where'd you get it?

Your mother sent it.

She ran across it a week ago and thought I might like to have it.

She said, "Don't show it to Augie. It'll make him blush."

You're not blushing at all.

You're pale.

I am?

Well, old Augie.

What do you know?

I know this.

Maybe we all imagine the baby looks like Augie.

Don't tell me it's my imagination...

...that Augie looked like that baby when he was the same age.

- Isolde, I love you. - He's your child, isn't he?

- Isn't he? - Isolde, darling--

I know you love me, and you're a poor, helpless little boy.

Oh, when I think what a pitiful fool I've been.

How could I have deluded myself all these years?

My kind, gentle, honorable husband.

I never wanna see you again, you lecherous leprechaun.

But you're not being fair.

You're condemning this poor boy without giving him a chance.

He had his chance, and he took it.

Just give me 10 minutes alone with you first, please?

No, I'm getting out of here. I'm sick of you and Westport and everybody in it.

Well, where are you going?

I don't know, but it'll be a city. Any city.

I never wanna see a tree or a blade of grass...

...or a piece of chintz again as long as I live.

For years, you struggle...

...and just when you begin to get your head above water...

...they pull the rug from under you.

It figures.

Up there, they look down and say, "How's Augie Poole getting along?"

"Oh, he's doing fine."

"Is that so? Well, let's slug him."

"What will we do, boss? Break his arm so he can't draw?"

"No, he can't draw anyway."

"Give him a concussion?"

"No, he hasn't got a brain in his head."

"I know what we'll do.

We'll break up his home...

...and if that doesn't do it, we'll do something drastic."

"Okay, that did it."

Psst. Psst.

Hey, Augie.

Is she still here?

Yeah.

You know, you're foolish to shave that off. It gives you character.

Augie, in a way, I feel responsible for this whole thing.

Why don't you let me have a talk with Isolde, huh?

With your record, you're the perfect one to do it.

Just stay away from her.

Okay, stand there and be plowed under.

Boy, it's unfair.

You pick them up and toss them away like used razorblades.

But me, just once my foot slips, and they nail me to the wall like a butterfly.

You're right, there's no justice...

...but you made the fatal mistake: You reformed.

The unregenerate butterfly flits from flower to flower...

...without a care in the world.

Without a what?

Why, you sat right there and moaned to me about your terrible guilt feelings.

Haven't you heard?

I've finished my analysis.

I'm completely cured.

I can chase around all I like, and it doesn't bother me a darn bit. Ha-ha.

Good afternoon, Mr. Poole.

Oh, good afternoon.

May I come in?

Well, we're awfully--

Sure, come in.

Oh, he's adorable.

The little bunny.

Thanks, thanks.

Oh, are you going somewhere?

Oh, no, no, no, these are my wife's.

- Is she going somewhere? - No, no, no, she's not going anywhere.

Just some stuff she's taking down to the community center.

Bundles for the poor.

I should think the baby would be a full-time job.

Oh, yes, yes, he is. She's with him practically every second...

...but just once a year, she likes to do something for the poor.

Oh, my.

How are you two adjusting to family life?

- Oh, fine, fine. Just fine. - Oh, I'm glad to hear it.

However, you are what we call probationary parents for the first year...

- ...until the adoption becomes final. - Yes. Yes, I know.

Well, nice of you to drop in, Miss MacCracken. You drop in any time.

Thank you, but I'd like to see Mrs. Poole before I go.

There's a taxi waiting for someone, Mr. Poole.

Oh, probably a mistake. Can't be for us, we got a car.

Oh, excuse me.

We didn't call for a cab, you got the wrong house, Jack.

Mr. Poole, I must insist upon seeing your wife, for a moment anyway.

Oh. Well, uh...

...I'll just run up and get her.

Oh, I'll just get these out of your way.

I suppose you were taking that down to the poor.

We have a higher standard of living in Westport.

Mr. Poole, your lies are pathetic.

- Lies? - You two are breaking up, aren't you?

What--?

Fortunately, the child is still young enough not to be affected by this.

I'm afraid I'll have to make a report to the board.

Please don't make a report yet, Miss MacCracken.

I love my wife and she loves me.

Give me a chance to straighten this out, please.

It's against all the regulations...

...but I'll hold my report for one week.

Oh, thank you, Miss MacCracken.

I can't tell you how grateful I am.

- I do hope you can patch things up. - Thanks very much.

- I really do. - Thank you.

- Bye, Mr. Poole. - Goodbye.

Wasn't that my taxi?

I sent it away.

Oh, I knew it.

- I knew you'd do something. - I'm not trying to pull anything.

Just give me five minutes.

What could you say in five minutes or five years that would convince me?

Darling, I'm fighting for our lives, our baby.

You, who pride yourself on being so broad-minded and tolerant.

You remind me of your mother.

- Oh, I resent that. - Oh, yes.

You're always attacking her for being narrow-minded and bigoted.

Well, what are you being right now?

- Narrow-minded and bigoted like my mother. - That's right.

What happened to that free spirit I married?

You happened to it.

I'll get my own cab.

Oh, Isolde, just let me say this.

I love you.

And I love him.

And no matter what happens, I'll bring him up the best way I can.

You keep your hands off that child.

Do you think I'd let you bring him up?

You? His father?

Isolde, wait. Please, don't do--

Isolde, don't.

No, no, no.

Don't!

Darling, are you hurt?

- Shut up. - She come right at me. Head on.

- I did not. - Why don't you watch where you're going?

- Your ankle, it's sprained. It's swelling. - It's all right.

- I'm gonna get you to the doctor. - I don't need a doctor.

Yes, you do. Now, just hang onto me. We'll get you into that doc.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling.

You just take it easy. You're gonna be all right.

- It makes me so mad. - I'll get you a drink. You're pale.

I'm pale with anger.

- Sit there. Let's see that ankle. - Ooh. Leave me alone.

- Oh, that looks bad. I'll get the tape. - Leave me alone.

Don't bother with that tape.

You're not gonna touch me.

Isolde, what are you doing?

The worst thing you could do is stand on it.

- Now, get over here and sit down. - You let go of me. Don't touch me.

You're gonna get this taped whether you like it or not.

You'll listen whether you like it or not.

- I'm not listening. - I'll begin by saying...

...I love you.

I've always loved you.

I never loved anybody else.

- What are you doing to me? - I have to make it tight if it'll support you.

- Listen to me. - I'm not listening.

I had nothing to do with it.

You had nothing to do with it?

Well, I mean, practically nothing. I was a captive audience.

You fool.

You driveling fool.

It was that night I flunked out of Rock-A-Bye and you wouldn't talk to me.

Psychologically, I was ripe.

Anyway, we went to dinner.

We drove into town.

En route she was hungry, so we stopped at a Howard Johnson's.

I wasn't hungry but my stomach was upset.

I'd have liked something like a broiled lamb chop.

"Could I have a lamb chop?"

I asked the waitress. I didn't want very much to eat.

"I can give you the children's portion, if you like," she said.

"In fact, the lamb chop happens to be on our Simple Simon Special."

"All right, I'll have that and a bottle of ale.

And give me the ale first," I said.

"Well, now, I couldn't give you the ale and the Simple Simon.

If you're thinking of substituting the ale for the milk," she said.

"But if you wanna take it on the Simple Simon--"

I guess that sounds as idiotic to you as it does to me, doesn't it?

More.

I'll answer that.

If that's my cab again, you're not gonna--

Good afternoon, Mrs. Poole.

Hello, Mr. Poole.

- Miss Novick. - Oh.

Isn't he sweet?

Don't you touch that baby.

He's ours and we have the papers to prove it.

I know he's yours.

I got him for you. What is the matter with you, Mrs. Poole?

But, Miss Novick, why did you come here?

Why, to say goodbye and to return your loan.

What loan?

The thousand dollars, of course.

My husband sold his book, and he got an advance.

Here, I brought you an inscribed copy.

Tondo: The Story Of A Savage by Rene Novick.

That's my husband.

I can't thank you enough for all your kindness, Mr. Poole.

I don't know how I ever would have had my baby without you.

Your--

Your baby?

Yes. Here's a picture.

A darling little girl.

Yes, she's darling.

And now that she's big enough, we leave to join my husband.

Well, thank you again for everything, Mr. Poole.

I must say, we did a remarkable job of matching you up.

That's what everybody says.

Well, goodbye.

I'll write you from Australia.

Now, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Now, don't give me that.

You had a guilty conscience about something.

Well, that's true, dear, and I deserved everything I got.

But darling, maybe you didn't know me as well as you thought you did.

I was a frustrated man.

I couldn't sell my drawings, and I couldn't have a child.

Oh, Augie, I don't know how you did it.

How you switched it around...

...but suddenly, I feel guilty, as if it were all my fault.

No, dear, it's nobody's fault.

Don't blame yourself. Whatever happened hasn't changed my--

I mean, whatever didn't happen hasn't changed my love for you.

Can't you believe me?

Oh, Augie, I wanna believe you.

I want to love you.

I don't wanna throw away the six years we've had together.

Oh, darling.

Oh, not now, Augie.

I'm so exhausted.

And I've got such an empty feeling.

Oh, well, maybe you're hungry. I'm starving myself.

I'll go in and fix something.

Oh, there's nothing in the house but milk and pablum.

Okay, I'll run into the village. What will I get?

Stop at the Shanghai Gardens...

...and get me a double order of moo goo gai pan.

Okay, dear. Sure.

Moo goo gai pan?

I've had an irrepressible longing for it all week.

Darling.

What are your other symptoms?

- Symptoms? - Yeah.

What symptoms?

I'm just starved, that's all.

Oh, they told us this usually happens when you adopt one.

Darling, I've got a feeling little Augie's going to have a little sister.

Oh, listen, honey, let's put this house on the market and move back to the city.

The country's no place to bring up kids.

Our baby's gonna be born in Manhattan, in a normal, healthy atmosphere.

And this time, I hope it looks like you.

Oh, Augie.