Original subtitles

(TH EME MUSIC P LAYI N G)

Ooh, la, la ! (LAUG HI N G)

-Ah, good morn I ng, Mrs Migg I ns. -BonJour, monsieurl

What?

BonJour, monsieurl It's French.

So is eati ng frogs, cruelty to geese, a nd u ri nati ng I n the street.

But that's no reason to I nflict it on the rest of us.

But French is a ll the fash ion!

My coffee shop is fu ll of French ies.

And it's a ll beca use of that wonderfu I Sca rlet Pi m pernel!

The Sca rlet Pi m pernel is not wonderfu I, Mrs Migg I ns.

There is no reason whatsoever to ad m I re someone

for fi lli ng London with a load of ga rlic-chewi ng French toffs

cryi ng "Ooh-la-la " a nd looki ng for sym pathy a ll the ti me

j ust beca use thei r fathers had thei r heads cut off!

I'll have a cu p of coffee a nd some shepherd's pie, please.

Oh ! We don't serve pies a ny more.

My French clientele consider pies u ncouth.

Well, I ha rd ly th I n k that a nation that eats sna I ls

a nd wou ld go to bed with the kitchen si n k if it put on a tutu

is I n a ny position to preach couth ness!

So what is on the men u?

Well, today's hot choice,

is Ch icken Pi m pernel I n a Sca rlet sa uce.

Sca rlet Ch icken I n a Pi m pernel sa uce,

or h uge suspicious-looki ng sa usages

I n a Sca rlet Pi m pernel sa uce.

What exactly is Sca rlet Pi m pernel sa uce?

You ta ke a la rge, ri pe frog, sq ueeze it...

Yes, yes, a ll rig ht. I' m off to the pu b.

-Ah, BonJour, monsieurl -Sod off.

(CAT MEOWI N G)

(CAT YOWLI N G)

Oh, si r, poor little Mi ld red the cat!

What's he ever done to you?

It is the way of the world, Ba ld rick.

The a bused a lways kick downwa rds.

I' m a n noyed a nd so I kick the cat, the cat...

- (SQU EAKI N G) -... pou nces on the mouse,

-a nd fi na lly the mouse.. . -Arg h!

... bites you on the beh I nd.

-What do I do? - N oth I ng.

You a re last I n God's g reat cha I n.

U n less of cou rse, there's a n ea rwig a rou nd that you 'd li ke to victi m ise.

Ba ld rick, what's ha ppened to you r nose?

N ice, I n n it?

N o, it isn 't. It's revolti ng.

Oh, I'll ta ke it off then.

Ba ld rick, why a re you wea ri ng a fa lse boi I?

What a re we to expect next?

A be a uty wa rt? A cosmetic verruca?

-It's a Sca rlet Pi m ple, si r. - Rea lly?

Yea h, they're a ll the rage down ou r way.

Everyone wa nts to express thei r ad m I ration

for the g reat Pi m ple a nd h is bri llia nt d isg u ises.

(SI N GI N G) They seek him here They seek him there

Those Frenchies seek him everywhere

Is he in heaven or is he in hell

And what's that revolti ng ga rlic smell?

Ba ld rick, what has th is fellow done?

Apa rt from pop over to Fra nce,

to g ra b a few French nobs from the I neffectua I clutches

of some ma lnou rished, wh I ngei ng lefties,

ta ki ng the opportu n ity, wh I le there, no dou bt,

to pick u p some rea lly good chea p wi ne

a nd some of thei r ma rvellous open fru it fla ns!

Doesn't a nyone know? We hate the French . We fig ht wa rs aga I nst them.

Did a ll those men d ie I n va I n on the field of Ag I ncou rt?

Was the ma n who bu rnt Joa n of Arc si m ply wasti ng good matches?

(B ELL RI N GI N G)

Ah, H is Roya I H ig h ness, the Pi n head of Wa les su m mons me.

You know, I feel a lmost well-d isposed towa rds h I m th is morn I ng.

Utter ch u m p thoug h he may be, at least he's not French.

Un toast! Encore un toast! I say.

-Le PimPernel Scarletl - BOTH : Le PimPernel Scarletl

Ah ! Le Adder Noirl Come you I n!

Th is is the fellow to ask, you cha ps.

My butler. Terri bly clever. Brig hter tha n a bra I n pie.

(LAUG HI N G HAUG HTI )

Ah, Blackadder, we're tryi ng to g uess who the Sca rlet Pi m pernel is,

so we ca n send h I m a n enormous posta I order to express ou r ad m I ration.

Any ideas?

Well, I' m su re if you add ress the envelope to

"The Biggest Show-off I n London ", it wou ld reach h I m eventua lly.

Tish a nd pish!

Gadzooks! Ma la rkey!

H ow da re you say such a th I ng?

Da m n you, si r, if you're not the worst ki nd of swi ne!

Da m n that swi ne!

I' m sorry, si r. I was merely poi nti ng out

that snea ki ng a ristocrats out from u nder the noses of French revolutiona ries

is as a bout as d ifficu lt as putti ng on a hat.

Si n k me, si r, th is is treason!

The Sca rlet Pi m pernel is a hero.

And the revolution is orchestrated by a ruth less ba nd

of h ig h ly orga n ised ki llers!

- Da m n them . - Da m n those orga n ised ki llers!

George, if I remem ber rig htly,

we were j ust d iscussi ng the French Em bassy Ba ll

I n honou r of the exi led a ristocracy.

We certa I n ly were.

Where I I ntend to wea r the most mag n ificent pa I r of trousers

ever to issue forth from the delicate ha nds of Messers Sn I bcock a nd Tu rkey,

coutu riers to the very wea lthy a nd the extremely fat.

If the Pi m pernel does fi na lly revea I h I mself,

I don't wa nt to get ca ug ht out wea ri ng bori ng trousers.

Da m n those bori ng trousers!

Well, what say we bet you r cocksu re domestic 1 ,000 g u I neas

that he ca n't go to Fra nce, rescue a n a ristocrat

a nd present h I m at the ba ll.

Ha ! That's tu rned you wh ite, hasn't it?

That's frig htened you, you li ly-livered,

ca ra mel-kid neyed, custa rd-colou red cad.

- N ot so buoya nt now, a re you, eh? Eh? - Eh?

On the contra ry, si r. I'll j ust go a nd pack.

Oh.

Perha ps Lord Smed ley a nd Lord Topper wi ll accom pa ny me.

I' m su re it'll be a fa I rly easy tri p.

The odd death defyi ng lea p, a nd a modest a mou nt of denta I tortu re.

Wa nt to come?

-Oh, no ! Da m n ! -Oh, no ! Da m n!

Any day now, I've got a n a ppoi ntment with my doctor.

I've got a bit of a sn iffle com I ng on, I ca n feel it I n my bones.

Da m n bones, da m n bones, da m n ...

What a bout next week?

Oh, come on, you cha ps, get you r d ia ries out, come on.

Alrig ht.

- Da m n . - Da m n.

-I've left it beh I nd ! - Beh I nd!

And, besides, I've j ust remem bered, my father's j ust d ied.

I've got to be at h is fu nera I I n 10 m I n utes. Da m n sorry!

Good bye, you r H ig h ness!

Oh, da m n!

I' m the best ma n.

Da m n that dead father! Da m n h I m ! Good bye.

See you at the ba ll.

Oh, what a sha me they were so busy.

It wou ld have been lovely to have had them with us.

-Us? -Yes.

-You're com I ng, si r? -Oh, certa I n ly.

Ah.

And noth I ng I ca n say

a bout the m I nd-bend I ng horrors of the revolution cou ld put you off?

Absolutely not!

N ow, come on, Blackadder, let's get packi ng.

I wa nt to look my best for those fa bu lous French bi rds.

Si r, the type of women cu rrently favou red I n Fra nce

a re tooth less crones who j ust cackle I nsa nely.

Oh, ig nore that, they're j ust playi ng ha rd to get.

By removi ng a ll thei r teeth, goi ng mad a nd agei ng 40 yea rs?

That's rig ht, the little teasers!

Well, come on, u m.. . I th I n k a blend of si lks a nd sati ns.

I fea r not, si r.

If we a re to sta nd a ny cha nce of su rviva I I n Fra nce,

we sha ll have to d ress as the smelliest low-life I mag I na ble.

Oh, yes, what sort of th I ng?

Well, si r, let me show you ou r Pa ris Collection.

Ba ld rick is wea ri ng a sheep's bladder jacket,

with match I ng d u ng-ba ll accessories.

Ha I r by Crazy Meg of Bed la m Ha I r.

N otice how the overpoweri ng a roma of rotti ng pi lcha rds

has been woven cu n n I ng ly I nto the ensem ble.

Ba ld rick, when d id you last cha nge you r trousers?

-I've never cha nged my trousers. -Tha n k you.

You see the a ncient Greeks, si r, wrote I n legend

of a terri ble conta I ner I n wh ich a ll the evi ls of the world were tra pped.

H ow prophetic they were. All they got wrong was the na me.

They ca lled it " Pa ndora's Box",

when, of cou rse, they mea nt " Ba ld rick's Trousers".

It certa I n ly ca n get a bit wh iffy, there's no dou bt a bout that.

We a re told that when the box was opened,

the whole world tu rned to da rkness beca use of Pa ndora's fata I cu riosity.

I cha rge you now, Ba ld rick, for the good of a ll ma n ki nd,

never a llow cu riosity to lead you to open you r trousers.

N oth I ng of I nterest lies therei n.

H owever, You r H ig h ness, it is trousers exactly li ke these

that you wi ll have to wea r if we a re to pass safely I nto Fra nce.

(CLEARS TH ROAT) Yes, well, you know,

on second thoug ht, I th I n k I'm ig ht g ive th is whole th I ng a m iss.

You know, my tu m my's playi ng u p a bit.

Ah, wish I cou ld come, but j ust not poss with th is tu m.

I u ndersta nd perfectly, si r.

Also, the cha nces of me scori ng if I look a nd smell li ke h I m a re zero.

That's true, si r.

We sha ll retu rn presently to bid you fa rewell.

Mr B, I've been havi ng second thoug hts a bout th is tri p to Fra nce.

Oh, why?

Well, as fa r as I ca n see,

looki ng a nd smelli ng li ke th is

there's not m uch cha nce of me scori ng, either.

-Well, Blackadder, th is is it. -Yes, si r.

If I don't ma ke it back, please write to my mother

a nd tell her that I've been a live a ll the ti me,

it's j ust that I cou ld n't be bothered to get I n touch with the old bat.

Well, of cou rse, old ma n . It's the very least I cou ld do.

We m ust leave at once.

The shadows lengthen

a nd we have a long a nd a rd uous jou rney a head of us.

Fa rewell, dea r master a nd, da re I say, friend.

Fa rewell, brave li berator, a nd da re I say it, butler.

Rig ht, stick the kettle on, Ba lders.

What, a ren't we goi ng to Fra nce?

Of cou rse we're not goi ng to Fra nce.

It's I ncred I bly da ngerous there.

Well, how a re you goi ng to wi n you r bet?

As a lways, Ba ld rick, by the use of the la rge th I ng between my ea rs.

Oh, you r nose.

N o, Ba ld rick, my bra I n.

All we do is lie low here for a week,

then go to Mrs Migg I ns', pick u p a ny old French a ristocrat,

d rag h I m th roug h a pudd le, ta ke h I m to the ba ll

a nd cla I m ou r 1 ,000 g u I neas.

Well, what if the Pri nce fi nds us here?

H e ca n't fi nd h is own fly-buttons. Let a lone the kitchen door.

What a pa I r of trousers!

I sha ll be the belle of the Em bassy Ba ll!

N ow, how do you put them on? Blackadder!

Oh, no, da m n ! H e's gone to Fra nce.

Well, I'll do it myself. Shou ld n't be too d ifficu lt. Erm ...

Er...

Well, Ba ld rick, what a very pleasa nt week.

We m ust do th is more often.

Yes, I sha ll certa I n ly choose

revolutiona ry Fra nce for my holiday aga I n next yea r.

N ow, ti me to go to work.

Off to Mrs Migg I ns' to pick u p a ny old French toff.

(BAN GI N G)

What do you th I n k that is?

Well, if I was feeli ng ma licious,

I'd say it's the Pri nce sti ll tryi ng to put h is trousers on after a week.

Oh, da m n!

Ah, Mrs Migg I ns.

I'd li ke a massive plate of pigs' trotters,

frogs' legs, a nd sna I ls' ea rs, please,

a ll d renched I n you r lovely Sca rlet Pi m pernel sa uce.

N ot so hosti le to the French ies now, Mr B.

Certa I n ly not, Mrs M. I'd sooner be hosti le to my own serva nt.

In fact, I ca me here specifica lly to meet lovely French ies.

Well, vive to that a nd a n ecla I r for both of us!

Vive, I ndeed . N ow, what I' m looki ng for, Mrs M,

is a pa rticu la r ki nd of French ie,

na mely one who is tra nspa rently of noble blood,

but a lso short on cash.

Oh, I've got j ust the fellow for you,

over there by the wi ndow,

the Comte de Frou- Frou.

H e's pretty down on h is luck,

a nd he's made that horse's wi lly last a ll morn I ng.

We have struck ga rlic!

- N ow you ca n have some lu nch, Ba ld rick. -Tha n k you.

Le Comte de Frou- Frou, I believe.

Eh?

- Do you spea k Eng lish? -A little.

Yes, when you say "a little" what exactly do you mea n?

I mea n, ca n we ta lk, or a re we goi ng to spend

the rest of the afternoon aski ng each other the way to the beach

I n very loud voices?

Ah, no. I ca n order coffee, dea I with wa iters,

ma ke sexy ch it-chat with g I rls, that type of th I ng.

Oh, good.

Just don't ask me to ta ke a physiology class

or d I rect a lig ht opera.

N o, I won't.

N ow, listen, Frou- Frou, wou ld you li ke to ea rn some money?

N o, I wou ld n 't.

I wou ld li ke other people to ea rn it a nd then g ive it to me.

Just li ke I n Fra nce I n the good old days.

Yes, but th is is a cha nce to retu rn to the good old days.

Oh, how I wou ld love that!

I hate th is life ! The food is fi lthy!

Th is h uge sa usage is very suspicious.

If I d id n't know better, I'd say it was a horse's...

Yes, yes, a ll rig ht. N ow, listen.

The pla n is th is.

I have a bet on with someone that I ca n get a French ma n out of Pa ris.

I wa nt you to be that French ma n.

All you have to do is come to the em bassy with me,

say that I rescued you,

a nd then wa lk away with 50 g u I neas

a nd a ll the vol-au-vents you ca n stuff I n you r pockets.

-What do you say? -It wi ll be a pleasu re.

If there's one th I ng we a ristocrats enjoy it's a fa bu lous pa rty.

Oh, the m usic! Oh, the la ug hter!

If on ly I'd broug ht my mongoose costu me.

Yes, well, obviously it hasn't rea lly got goi ng yet.

I th I n k that is a bit of a n u nderstatement, Frou- Frou.

I've been at a utopsies with more pa rty atmosphere.

Don't worry! In a moment we wi ll hea r the sou nd of m usic a nd ha ppy la ug hter.

(LAUG HI N G MENACI N G )

(BOTH S P EAKI N G FREN CH )

Ah, good even I ng, my ma n.

- Do you spea k Eng lish? -A little.

Good, well j ust ta ke me to the Am bassador then, wi ll you?

Pardon?

I have rescued a n a ristocrat

from the clutches of the evi I revolutiona ries.

Please ta ke me to the Am bassador.

N o, I won't.

I a m a n evi I revolutiona ry

a nd I have m u rdered the Am bassador

a nd tu rned h I m I nto paté.

-Ah . -And you, a risto-pig, a re tra pped.

Pig? Ha!

You wi ll reg ret you r I nsolence, revolutiona ry dog.

Dog? Ha!

You wi ll reg ret you r a rroga nce, roya list sna ke.

Sna ke? Ha!

I' m sorry to I nterru pt th is very I nteresti ng d iscussion,

but, rea lly, it is none of my busi ness,

so I th I n k I'll be on my way. Come on, Ba ld rick.

Ah, a h, a h. N ot so fast, Eng lish!

In rescu I ng th is boite de sti n ky weed,

you have attem pted to pervert revolutiona ry j ustice.

Do you know what they do to people who do that?

They're g iven a little present a nd a llowed to go free?

N o.

They're smacked a nd told not to be na ug hty, but basica lly let off.

- N o. -I th I n k I know.

-What? -They're put I n prison for the n ig ht

a nd bruta lly g u I lloti ned I n the morn I ng.

Well done, Ba ld rick.

You r little g nome is correct, monsieur.

Gentlemen ! Welcome to the last day of you r life!

H ow da re you, you fi lthy weasel.

Weasel? Ha!

You're one to ta lk, a risto-wa rthog.

-Wa rthog? Ha ! - Ha!

Excuse me, Frou- Frou . Look, mate, me old mate...

We're both worki ng class.

We both hate these rich basta rds. I mea n, come on.

Come on, me old m ucker.

Just let me go, you've got noth I ng aga I nst me.

On the contra ry.

I hate you Eng lish with you r bori ng trousers

a nd you r sh I ny toi let pa per

a nd you r rid icu lous preconception that French men a re g reat lovers.

I' m French a nd I' m h u ng li ke a ba by ca rrot

a nd a cou ple of Petits Pois.

Fa rewell, old m ucker, a nd death to the a ristos!

- Death to the a ristos! -Sh ut u p, mousebra I n!

Onsieur, why do you waste you r words on th is scu m?

Have no fea r!

-The Sca rlet Pi m pernel wi ll save us. - Ha ! Some hope.

The Pi m pernel is the most overrated h u ma n bei ng

si nce J udas Isca riot won the A. D. 31 Best Disci ple Com petition.

Well, if he shou ld fa I I us, here,

I have these su icide pi lls.

One for me, one for you,

a nd one for the dwa rf.

-Say tha n k you, Ba ld rick. -Tha n k you, Mr Frou.

(KEYS JI N G LI N G)

-Ah, the Pi m pernel! - H ooray!

Ah, the Am bassador, hooray.

H m m, I've got noth I ng to do.

So I th I n k I wi ll tortu re...

You, a risto-mong rel!

Mong rel? Ha ! I look forwa rd to it, proleta ria n sku n k!

Sku n k? Ha!

We'll see a bout that, a ristocratic ha ppypota m us!

Ha ppypota m us? Ha ! We'll soon see who's the ha ppypota m us.

I' m g lad to say,

I don't th I n k you ' ll be need I ng those pi lls, Mr B.

Am I j u m pi ng the g u n, Ba ld rick,

or a re the words "I have a cu n n I ng pla n "

ma rch I ng with I ll-deserved confidence

I n the d I rection of th is conversation?

They certa I n ly a re!

Forg ive me if I don't j u m p u p a nd down with g lee,

you r record I n th is depa rtment is not exactly 100%.

-So, what's the pla n? -We do noth I ng.

Yep, that's a nother world-beater.

Wa it, I haven't fi n ished.

We do noth I ng u nti I ou r heads have actua lly been cut off.

And then we spri ng I nto action?

Exactly!

You know how when you cut a ch icken's head off,

-it ru ns rou nd a nd rou nd the fa rmya rd? -Yea h.

Well, we wa it u nti I ou r heads have been cut off,

then we ru n rou nd a nd rou nd the fa rmya rd,

out the fa rm gate a nd esca pe.

What do you th I n k?

My opi n ions a re rather d ifficu lt to express I n words.

So, perha ps I ca n put it th is way...

It doesn't rea lly matter,

cos the Sca rlet Pi m pernel wi ll save us, a nyway.

N o, he won't, Ba ld rick.

Either I th I n k u p a n idea, or tomorrow we d ie,

wh ich, Ba ld rick, I have to tell you, I have no I ntention of doi ng,

beca use I wa nt to be you ng a nd wi ld,

a nd then I wa nt to be m idd le-aged a nd rich,

a nd then I wa nt to be old a nd a n noy people

by pretend I ng that I' m deaf.

Just be q u iet a nd let me th I n k.

- BALD RICK: I ca n't sleep, Mr Blackadder. -I sa id, sh ut u p!

I' m so excited to th I n k that the Sca rlet Pi m pernel

wi ll be here at a ny moment.

I wish you 'd forget th is rid icu lous fa ntasy, Ba ld rick.

Even if he d id tu rn u p, the g ua rds wou ld be woken

by the scra pi ng noise

as he tried to sq ueeze h is massive, swollen head th roug h the door.

I cou ld n't sleep when I was little.

You sti ll a re little, Ba ld rick.

Yea h, well, when I was even littler.

See, we used to live I n th is ha u nted hovel.

Every n ig ht, my fa m I ly were trou bled

by a visitation from th is d isg usti ng g hou I.

It was terri ble.

Fi rst there was th is u n holy smell,

then th is ti ny, cla m my, ha I ry creatu re

wou ld materia lise I n the bed between them.

Fortu nately, I cou ld never see it myself.

Yes, tell me, Ba ld rick, when you left home,

d id th is repu lsive entity mysteriously d isa ppea r?

That very day.

I th I n k then that the mystery is solved.

N ow, sh ut u p.

Either I th I n k of a n idea, or tomorrow we meet ou r ma ker.

In my case, God . In you r case, God knows,

but I'd be su rprised if he's won a ny desig n awa rds.

Wa it a m I n ute,

-I've thoug ht of a pla n ! - BALD RICK: H ooray!

B LACKAD D ER: Also, I thoug ht of a way to get you to sleep.

- BALD RICK: What? Ow! - (TH U D DI N G)

Morn I ng, scu m . Did we sleep well?

Li ke a tot, tha n k you.

But, by j I m I ny, you m ust be feeli ng th I rsty

after you r long n ig ht's bruta lity.

Dri n k?

Oh, non, merci, not wh I le I' m on d uty.

Ah, perha ps later.

For you, monsieur, there is no later.

Beca use gentlemen, I a m proud to I ntrod uce

Fra nce's most vicious woma n,

u nexpected ly a rrived from Pa ris th is morn I ng.

Wou ld you please welcome Mada me Gu I lloti ne herself!

(CACKLI N G)

(S H RI LL VOICE) Are these the Eng lish pigs?

Yes, that's us.

Leave them with me, onsieurAmbassadeur.

I I ntend to tortu re them I n a ma n ner so u n be a ra bly g ruesome,

even you wi ll not be a ble to sta nd it!

I don't th I n k I wi ll have a problem, madame.

N o, you wi ll be sick.

What if I stay for the fi rst few m I n utes

a nd I'll leave if I' m feeli ng q ueasy.

N o, you wi ll be sick I m med iately.

What if I a m sick q u ietly, I n a bag?

I mea n, what is I n you r m I nd?

(MUMB LI N G)

(RETCHI N G)

So ! Scu m!

Prepa re to be I n pa I n!

Yes, certa I n ly.

But fi rst, perha ps, a toast to you r be a uty.

Oh, tha n k you. Okay.

Cheers.

So I expect you were expecti ng to be rescued, h u h?

H u h, some bloody hope.

(N O RMAL VOICE) On the contra ry! I' m j ust sorry I' m so late.

What?

Yes, Gentlemen, I have come to ta ke you to freedom!

- H ooray! -My God, Smed ley!

But I thoug ht you were a n a bsolute fathead.

N o, j ust a da m n fi ne actor!

Tha n k God I got here before you took a ny of those awfu I su icide pi lls!

Yes, I su ppose, if someone had ta ken one

a nd wished that he had n 't, he'd be a ble to do someth I ng a bout it.

N o, no, they're very odd th I ngs, you see.

The sym ptoms a re most pecu lia r.

Fi rst of a ll, the victi ms become very, very depressed.

Oh, God!

Th is whole revolution is so depressi ng,

I mea n, someti mes I wonder why I bother.

I mea n, I' m so lonely, a nd nobody loves me.

And after the depression comes death?

N o, after the depression comes the loss of tem per,

you stuck-u p basta rd!

-What a re you sta ri ng at? -Oh.

And after the tem per comes death?

N o ! After the tem per comes the, er...

-Comes the, er.. . - Forgetfu lness?

- Er, yes, that's it. Er, comes the.. . - Forgetfu lness.

Yes, yes. Rig ht I n the m idd le of a th I ngy,

you com pletely forget what it was you.. . Oh, n ice pa I r of shoes!

And after the forgetfu lness, you d ie?

Oh, no ! I forgot one!

After the forgetfu lness comes a moment of exq u isite ha ppi ness!

J u m pi ng u p a nd down, a nd wavi ng you r a rms I n the a I r,

a nd knowi ng that I n a m I n ute we're a ll goi ng to be free ! Free ! Free!

-And then death? - N o, you j u m p I n the corner fi rst.

- H ooray! It's the Sca rlet Pi m pernel! -Yes, Ba ld rick.

-And you ki lled h I m ! -Yes, Ba ld rick.

What's the bloody poi nt of bei ng the Sca rlet Pi m pernel

if you're goi ng to fa ll for the old poisoned cu p routi ne?

Sca rlet Pi m pernel, my foot. Sca rlet Git, more li ke it.

Wa it! H ere's ou r cha nce to esca pe!

But what a bout Mr Frou?

Forget Frou- Frou.

I wou ld n't pick my nose to save h is life.

Ah, Frou- Frou, my old friend a nd com rade, what a re you doi ng here?

I esca ped ! What ha ppened here?

Oh, er, noth I ng, noth I ng.

Er, I thoug ht for a moment the Sca rlet Pi m pernel had saved you.

(LAUG HI N G)

Ah, cha ps, good to see you.

Just tryi ng on the new trousers.

I retu rn, si r, as prom ised,

plus one toff French a ristocrat fresh from the Basti lle.

Ah, pleased to meet you, monsieur. Do sit down.

Enchante.

Da m n sorry a bout the revolution a nd a ll that ca per.

Most awfu lly bad luck.

So tell me, Blackadder, how the devi I d id you get h I m out?

Si r, it's a n extraord I na ry ta le of cou rage a nd heroism

wh ich I blush from telli ng myself,

-but seei ng as there's no one else.. . -I cou ld try.

We left Eng la nd I n good weather,

but that was as fa r as ou r luck held.

In the m idd le of Dover ha rbou r,

we were struck by a tida I wave.

And I was forced to swi m to Bou log ne

with the u nconscious Ba ld rick tucked I nto my trousers.

Then, we were ta ken to Pa ris,

where I was su m ma ri ly tried a nd condem ned to death,

a nd then h u ng by the la rger of my testicles

from the wa lls of the Basti lle.

It was then that I decided I had had enoug h.

Bravo!

I rescued the Cou nt,

ki lled the g ua rds, j u m ped the moat,

ra n to Versa I lles,

where I cli m bed I nto Mr Robespierre's bed room,

leavi ng h I m a sma ll tray of m I lk chocolates

a nd a n I nsu lti ng note.

The rest was easy.

That is a n I ncred I ble story,

worthy of the Sca rlet Pi m pernel h I mself.

Well, I wou ld n't know.

I, on the other ha nd, wou ld.

Beca use, you see, si r...

(EN G LIS H ACCENT) I a m the Sca rlet Pi m pernel.

-U h-oh . - BALD RICK: H ooray!

-Good Lord ! Topper! -Yes, You r H ig h ness.

But egads a nd by j I ngo with d u m pli ngs,

stea k a nd kid neys, a nd a good solid helpi ng of sprouts,

I ca n't believe it!

You're the fellow who has si ng le-ha nded ly

saved a ll those da m n French ies from the chop?

N ot q u ite si ng le-ha nded ly, si r.

I operated with the help of my friend, Smed ley,

but he seems to have d isa ppea red for the moment,

slig htly mysteriously.

-Sh ut u p, Ba ld rick. -Yes, Mr Blackadder.

So Blackadder rescued the Sca rlet Pi m pernel.

- N o, si r, he d id not. - Eh?

Prepa re you rself for a story of d ishonou r a nd deceit

that wi ll ma ke you r stomach tu rn.

Th is is I nteresti ng, isn't it, Blackadder?

N ot on ly that,

but I trust it wi ll lead to the I m prison ment of a ma n

who is a lia r, a bou nder a nd a cad.

Oh, bravo,

beca use we hate lia rs, bou nders a nd cads, don't we, Blackadder?

Genera lly spea ki ng, yes, si r.

But perha ps before Lord Topper sta rts to ta lk,

he m ig ht li ke a g lass of wi ne.

- H e's looki ng a little sha ken . -Sha ken, but not sti rred.

It a ll bega n last week.

I was sitti ng I n Mrs Migg I ns' coffee shop when ...

Oh, God!

All th is treachery is so depressi ng.

I mea n, the whole th I ng j ust ma kes you I ncred I bly a ng ry!

And it j ust ma kes you wa nt to...

N ice wa istcoat, You r Majesty.

I' m sorry, I've com pletely forgotten what I was ta lki ng a bout.

A story of d ishonou r a nd deceit...

Oh, that's a g reat story! That's g reat!

Oh, that's a wonderfu I story!

Let me j ust j u m p I nto the corner fi rst.

Roast my ra isi ns! H e's popped it!

I say, Blackadder, do you th I n k he rea lly was the Sca rlet Pi m pernel?

Well, j udg I ng from the rid icu lous ostentatiousness of h is death,

I wou ld say that he was.

Well, then, that's a da m n sha me,

beca use I wa nted to g ive h I m th is enormous posta I order.

Please, si r, let me fi n ish.

I wou ld say that he wasn't.

You see, the Sca rlet Pi m pernel wou ld never, ever revea I h is identity.

That's h is g reat secret.

So what you're actua lly looki ng for

is someone who has, say, j ust been to Fra nce

a nd rescued a n a ristocrat,

but when asked, "Are you the Sca rlet Pi m pernel?"

H e replies, "Absolutely not. "

But, wa it a m I n ute ! Blackadder, you've j ust been to Fra nce,

a nd you've rescued a French a ristocrat.

Oh, Blackadder, a re you the Sca rlet Pi m pernel?

Absolutely not, si r.

H ooray!