Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYI N G)

I m ust say, Ed m u nd, it was jolly n ice of you to ask me

to sha re you r brea kfast before the rigou rs of the day beg i n .

It is sa id, Percy, that a civi lised ma n seeks out good a nd i ntelligent com pa ny

so that th roug h lea rned d iscou rse,

he may rise a bove the savage, a nd closer to God .

Yes, I hea rd that.

Persona lly, however, I li ke to sta rt the day with a tota l d ickhead

to rem i nd me I' m best.

Be-sh rew me, Ed m u nd ! You ' re i n good fooli ng th is morn i ng !

Don 't say " Be-sh rew me", Percy. On ly stu pid actors say " Be-sh rew" me !

Oh, how I wou ld love to be a n actor.

I had a great talent for it in my youth . I was the man of a thousand faces.

So, how'd you come to choose the ug ly m ug you 've got now?

Ha ! Tush, My Lord !

Don 't say tush, either. It's on ly a short step from tush

to " hey non ny non ny. "

And then I'm afraid I shall have to call the police.

Well, God pats me on the head a nd says, "Good boy, Ed m u nd . "

-My Lord? -My a u nt a nd u ncle,

Lord and Lady Wh iteadder,

the two most fa natica l Pu rita ns i n Eng la nd

have i nvited themselves to d i n ner here, ton ig ht.

But a ren 't they the most frig htfu l bores?

Yep. But they have one g reat redeem i ng featu re.

Thei r wa llets.

More ca pacious tha n a n elepha nt's scrotu m

a nd j ust as d ifficu lt to get you r ha nds on .

At least, u nti l now!

For ton ig ht, they wish to d iscuss my i n herita nce.

H ey non ny non ny, My Lord ! Good news!

Ba ld rick!

Why have you got a piece of cheese tied to the end of you r nose?

To catch m ice, My Lord .

I lie on the floor with my mouth open a nd hope they scu rry i n .

-And do they? - N ot yet, My Lord .

Well, I' m not su rprised .

You r breath comes stra ig ht from Sata n 's bottom, Ba ld rick.

The on ly sort of mouse you ' re goi ng to catch

is one without a nose.

That's a pity, cos the nose is the best bit on a mouse.

Any bit of a mouse wi ll seem li ke luxu ry

com pa red to what Percy a nd I m ust eat ton ig ht.

We a re enterta i n i ng Pu rita n vegeta ble folk, Ba ld us,

a nd that mea ns no meat!

BALD RICK: In that case, I' ll prepa re my tu rn i p su rprise.

And the su rprise is?

There's noth i ng else i n it except the tu rn i p.

So, a nother word for tu rn i p su rprise wou ld be a tu rn i p.

Oh, yea h .

- (KN OCKI N G) -Get the door, Ba ld rick. Get the door.

Well, now, if th i ngs go as pla n ned ton ig ht,

it wou ld seem cong ratu lations a re i n order.

N ice try, Percy, but forget it. You ' re not getti ng a pen ny.

(LOU D CRAS HI N G)

Ba ld rick, I wou ld advise you to ma ke the expla nation you were a bout to g ive

phenomena lly good .

-You sa id, "Get the door. " - N ot good enoug h . You ' re fi red .

But, My Lord, I've been i n you r fa m i ly si nce 1532 !

So has syph i lis. N ow get out!

Very well.

By the way, there was a messenger outside when I got the door.

H e says the Queen wa nts to see you . Lord Melchett is very sick.

- Rea lly? -Yea h . H e's at death 's door.

Well, my fa ithfu l old rei nstated fa m i ly reta i ner.

Let's go a nd open it for h i m then !

Ed m u nd ! Qu ick!

Qu ick! Melchett's dyi ng ! We m ust do someth i ng !

Well, yes, of cou rse. Some sort of celebration .

But let's wa it ti ll he's actua lly sn uffed it, sha ll we?

N u rsie's old methods don 't seem to be worki ng .

Come on, little tu m my.

(MELCH ETT G ROANS)

It a ll sta rted last n ig ht at a bout 2 :00, I was tucked i nto bed,

havi ng th is a bsolutely scru m my d rea m a bout pon ies,

when I was woken by a terrific ba ng i ng from Lord Melchett.

Well! I never knew he had it i n h i m !

It's true, I prom ise. H e was ba ng i ng on the castle gates,

fa lli ng over a nd si ng i ng a stra nge song

a bout a g i rl who possessed someth i ng ca lled a d icky d ido?

Oh, yes, it's a lovely old hym n, isn 't it?

Well, ma 'a m, I th i n k I know what's wrong with Lord Melchett,

a nd u nfortu nately, it isn 't fata l.

Well h u rry u p a nd cu re the horri ble ma n .

I' m fed u p with h i m lyi ng there moa n i ng a nd g roa n i ng .

And letti ng off such g reat fru its a nd fla bby woof-woofs!

One ca n 't believe one's ti ny nose !

The truth is, Lord Melchett j ust ca n 't ta ke h is a le.

I protest! I may be a little delicate th is morn i ng

but what I d ra n k last n ig ht wou ld have floored a rh i noceros.

If it was a llerg ic to lemonade.

It's Blackadder here who ca n 't ta ke h is a le.

H e's fa mous for it.

-Oh, yea h? -Yea h ! Yea h !

N u rsie, isn 't it exciti ng, the boys a re getti ng toug h !

I' m su re we a ll remem ber the sha me a nd em ba rrassment

of the Ki ng of Austria 's visit

when Blackadder was fou nd wa nderi ng na ked,

a mong the corridors of Ha m pton Cou rt

si ng i ng, "I' m Merli n the ha ppy pig . "

What d id you have last n ig ht? A whole ha lf pi nt of potato j u ice?

On the contra ry!

I had two flagons of cla ret a nd a dou ble helpi ng of cu rried tu rtle.

I ca n assu re you,

it's no holds ba rred with us at the a n n ua l com m u n ion wi ne-tasti ng !

An n ua l? Ha ! For me a nd the wi ld boys every n ig ht is d ri n key n ig ht.

-Says who? -Says me !

-Says you? -Yea h !

You wa n na come a rou nd someti me,

a nd have a look at the u nderside of my ta ble?

Ton ig ht!

Ton ig ht?

Yea h, come on, Melch ie, What a re you sca red of?

Perha ps you ' re rig ht. Perha ps he's a wet a nd a weed .

All rig ht, then . Ton ig ht. I' ll be there.

H ooray! And last one u nder the ta ble gets...

Ten thousa nd flori ns from the loser.

Ma 'a m?

All rig ht. Well, I' ll get the beer i n then .

N u rsie...

- Do you know what I' m goi ng to do? -What?

I' m goi ng to go a long a nd fi nd out

exactly what ha ppens at these boys' n ig hts.

Good idea, poppet!

And I' ll wea r a cloa k with a cowl so no-one wi ll recog n ise me.

-That's a nother good idea ! - (BOTH GIGG LE)

You ' re so clever today you better be ca refu l you r foot doesn 't fa ll off.

Does that ha ppen when you have lots of bri llia nt ideas?

You r foot fa lls off?

Certa i n ly does.

My brother, he had th is bri llia nt idea of cutti ng h is toena i Is with a scythe.

And h is foot fell off!

Rig ht. N ow the sort of person we' re looki ng for

is a n agg ressive d ru n ken lout with the i ntelligence of a fou r-yea r-old

a nd the sexua l soph istication of a don key.

Ca rd i na l Wolsey!

Ba ld rick!

My Lord?

Why?

I got fed u p with the a ll mouse d iet, My Lord .

Thoug ht I'd try a cat for va riety.

Good . Well done. And now, retu rn i ng to the rea l world ...

- Do you have a kn ife? -Yea h .

Good . Beca use I wish to q u ickly send off some pa rty i nvitations,

a nd to ma ke them look pa rticu la rly toug h,

I wish to write them i n blood .

You r blood, to be precise.

H ow m uch blood wi ll you actua lly be req u i ri ng, My Lord?

N oth i ng m uch, j ust a sma ll pudd le.

Wi ll you be wa nti ng me to cut a nyth i ng off?

An a rm or a leg for i nsta nce?

Oh, good God, no. A little prick shou ld do.

Very well, My Lord . I a m you r bondsma n a nd m ust obey.

Oh, for God 's sa ke, Ba ld rick. I mea nt a little prick on you r fi nger.

I haven 't got one there !

Oh, forget it! Forget it.

Tha n k you, My Lord .

Rig ht, now, Perce, how's the list goi ng?

Very well i ndeed .

I thoug ht we cou ld i nvite my g i rlfriend, Gwendolyn .

Sorry, no ch icks! Who else?

That's a bout as fa r as I got, actua lly.

Rig ht. I' ll d ictate. Fi rst, Si mon Pa rtridge.

Oh, not Fa rters Pa rters? Also known as Mister Ostrich !

- Even he ! - But he's a fea rfu l oi n k!

Ta kes one to know one.

Second ly, Si r Jeffrey Pidd le.

H ere's to the hea lth of Ca rd i na l Ch u nder Pidd le?

The very sa me.

And th i rd ly, Fredd ie Frobisher, the flatu lent herm it of Li nd isfa rne.

Oh, pong, pong !

Rig ht. That shou ld do the trick.

Oh, a nd of cou rse,

Lord a nd Lady Wh iteadder wi ll be com i ng a nyway!

Oh, yes!

Oh, no !

I m ust say, it does look a teeny bit li ke tryi ng to get out of it.

Qu ite the wrong i m pression, ma 'a m !

I j ust wa nt to ma ke it a nother n ig ht, that's a ll.

Certa i n ly not!

I beg you r pa rdon?

Well, it's j ust one excuse after a nother, isn 't it?

N ext th i ng, he' ll be tryi ng to get out of h is bath a ll together.

H e isn 't ta lki ng a bout baths, N u rsie !

Well, he shou ld be.

H ow else wi ll he keep clea n?

Soon he' ll say he doesn 't wa nt h is na ppy cha nged .

N o, Blackadder doesn 't wea r a na ppy.

Well, i n that case,

it's even more i m porta nt that he has a bath !

Sh ut u p, N u rsie !

I know why you wa nt to get out of it,

beca use I remem ber the last ti me you had a pa rty.

I fou nd you face down i n a pudd le, wea ri ng a poi nty hat,

si ng i ng a song a bout gobli ns.

Yes. All rig ht. All rig ht. Ton ig ht it is!

Oh, Ed m u nd, I do love it when you get cross.

Someti mes, I th i n k a bout havi ng you executed,

j ust to see the expression on you r face.

Rig ht, now let's ma ke su re you 've got th is.

We a re havi ng two pa rties here ton ig ht

a nd they m ust be kept com pletely sepa rate.

Rig ht!

Fi rstly, a tota l piss-u p i nvolvi ng beer-th rowi ng, broken fu rn itu re,

a nd then wa ll-to-wa ll vom iti ng to be held here, i n Ba ld rick's bed room .

Ah, tha n k you very m uch, My Lord .

Second ly, Percy wi ll joi n me i n here for the gou rmet tu rn i p even i ng .

Is the tu rn i p su rprise ready?

- (S NICKERI N G) - BOTH : Yes, My Lord .

Then what is so fu n ny?

Well, My Lord, when Ba ld rick a nd I were prepa ri ng the tu rn i p su rprise,

we had a su rprise.

We ca me across a tu rn i p

that was exactly the sa me sha pe...

As a th i ngy!

A th i ngy?

A g reat big th i ngy! (LAUG HS)

It was terrific.

Size is no g ua ra ntee of q ua lity, Ba ld rick.

Most horses a re well-endowed

but that doesn 't necessa ri ly ma ke them sensitive lovers.

I trust you have removed th is h i la rious item .

Yes, My Lord .

Good, beca use there's noth i ng more li kely to stop a n i n herita nce

tha n a th i ngy-sha ped tu rn i p.

Absolutely, Ed m u nd .

(LAUG HS) But it was jolly fu n ny.

Yes, yes, yes.

I fou nd it pa rticu la rly i ron ic, My Lord,

as I've got a th i ngy that's sha ped li ke a tu rn i p!

-I' m a g reat h it at pa rties. -Are you?

Yea h, I h ide i n the vegeta ble rack a nd frig hten the ch i ld ren .

What fu n .

Perha ps you forgot that I' m mea nt to be havi ng a d ri n ki ng com petition

here ton ig ht with Lord Melchett a nd 10,000 flori ns a re at sta ke.

Oh, dea r!

What do you mea n?

Fi rstly, you haven 't got 10,000 flori ns.

And th i rd ly, one d rop of the a le

a nd you fa ll flat on you r face a nd sta rt si ng i ng that song a bout the gobli ns.

That's nonsense !

But j ust i n case it's true...

-It is, actua lly. -Yes, a ll rig ht, it's true.

So the pla n is, when I ca ll for my i ncred i bly strong a le,

you m ust pass me water i n a n a le bottle. Have you got that?

Yea h . When you ca ll for a le, I pass water.

Percy, you r job is to stay here a nd suck u p to my a u nt.

I th i n k you ca n trust me to know how to ha nd le a woma n .

Oh, God !

- (KN OCKI N G) - Rig ht, here goes.

Yes, a ll rig ht.

U ncle ! Au nt! Greeti ngs! H ow n ice it is to see you !

Wicked ch i ld ! Don 't lie ! Everyone hates us a nd you know it.

Yes, now may I i ntrod uce my friend, Lord Percy.

Well, well, well, Edd ie.

You d id n 't tell me you had such a good-looki ng a u nt!

Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness.

I know what I li ke a nd I li ke what I see.

Be gone, Sata n !

Ah, yes, well, I hope you had a pleasa nt i n herita nce !

Did I say i n herita nce? I mea nt jou rney. N ow,

if you 'd j ust li ke to help you rself to a legacy.

Er. . . To a cha i r!

Cha i r!

You have cha i rs i n you r house?

Oh, yes.

Wicked ch i ld ! Cha i rs a re a n i nvention of Sata n !

In ou r house, Natha n iel sits on a spi ke !

And you rself?

I sit on Natha n iel.

Two spi kes wou ld be a n extravaga nce !

Well, q u ite rig ht.

I wi ll suffer comfort th is once.

We sha ll j ust have to stick forks i n ou r legs between cou rses.

I trust you remem ber we eat no meat!

H eaven forbid, no !

H ere we feast on ly on God 's lovely tu rn i p, mashed !

Mashed?

-Yes. -Wicked ch i ld !

Mash i ng is the a lso the work of Beeebu b!

For Sata n saw God 's blessed tu rn i p a nd he envied it

a nd mashed it to spoi l its sacred sha pe.

Ah .

I sha ll have my tu rn i p as God i ntended .

- Fi ne. Ba ld rick! -My Lord?

Wou ld you fetch my dea r a u nt a raw tu rn i p, please.

-We've on ly got the one. -J ust do it.

Tha n k you .

So, U ncle, wi ll you have you r tu rn i p mashed or as God i ntended?

H e wi ll not a nswer you . H e has ta ken a vow of si lence.

I believe that si lence is golden .

Ahem ! In herita nce.

- (KN OCKI N G) - Ed m u nd,

I trust that you have i nvited no other g uests.

Oh, certa i n ly not!

Good . For where there a re other g uests

there a re people to forn icate with !

(KN OCKI N G)

I' ll j ust go a nd tell them to forn icate off! Lord Percy!

(STAMMERI N G) U m, yes!

Er, Lord Wh iteadder, a vow of si lence?

That's q u ite a n i nteresti ng th i ng !

Tell me a bout it.

(SI N GI N G) HaPPy birthday to you

HaPPy birthday to you

HaPPy birthday

Eddie, baby

HaPPy birthday to you

But It's not my bi rthday. . . Archdeacon !

Ha ! Well, well, get stuck i n, boys!

Stuck i n ! Wa-hay! Get it?

Well, it sou nds a bit rude, doesn 't it? Stuck i n !

(KN OCKI N G)

Sorry. Back i n a tick.

Wa-hay! A tick, lads!

That sou nds a bit rude, doesn 't it? That sou nds a bit li ke " bu m " !

(ALL LAUG H )

Ah, Melchett! Late, I see. To avoid the ea rly d ri n ki ng?

Ah, Melch ie, you rea lly a re a beg i n ner.

You ' re not even wea ri ng a pa i r of comedy breasts!

Au contraire.

Ah, well, let's wa it ti ll we get down to the serious d ri n ki ng, sha ll we?

Er, no, j ust th is way.

H ere we a re.

(ALL YELLI N G)

Good even i ng .

Lads, th is is Lord Melchett.

(ALL S H OUT)

Give h i m a la rge one, wi ll you?

A la rge one ! Wa-hay! Get it?

N o !

Yes, you do. La rge one ! Sou nds a bit rude.

(ALL LAUG H )

You may fi nd the conversation a bit over a bove head at fi rst, Melchy,

but you ' ll soon get used to it.

Well, down the hatch !

(ALL CH EER)

(LAUG HS)

(KN OCKI N G)

I hea rd there was a pa rty on .

N o, yes, there a re two. And you ' re i nvited to neither.

But I' m a friend of Lord Percy's.

Ah, you m ust be Gwendolyn . You were i nvited a nyway, come i n .

- Do. -Tha n k you very m uch .

It's i n here.

-Tha n k you . -There we go.

Sorry a bout that. Ca rol si ngers.

(CLEARI N G TH ROAT)

Sorry. H e's sick.

Leprosy of the bra i n .

What he is tryi ng to tell you

is that you a ppea r to be wea ri ng a pa i r of devi l's d u m pli ngs!

Oh, my God ! My ea r-m uffs have fa llen down .

It's getti ng ...

Wou ld you li ke a pa i r? It's getti ng rather cold .

N o, tha n k you .

Cold is God 's way of telli ng us to bu rn more Catholics.

Qu ite rig ht, wh ich rem i nds me, Au ntie...

Don 't ca ll me Au ntie !

Au nties a re relatives, a nd relatives a re evidence of sex!

And sex is ha rd ly a fitti ng su bject for the d i n ner ta ble.

Or i ndeed a ny ta ble.

Except perha ps a ta ble i n a brothel.

Ow!

Percy, you seem to have fa llen off you r cha i r.

Well, now, what was I sayi ng? Oh, my God !

You r tu rn i p, My Lady.

Very good, very good .

(CH UCKLES SO )

You know, Natha n iel,

th is ta kes me rig ht back to ou r wedd i ng n ig ht.

We had raw tu rn i ps that n ig ht, too.

(MEN S H OUTI N G I N DISTAN CE)

What was that?

What was what?

That noise.

N oise?

Did you hea r a noise, Percy?

- N o. -Good .

Apa rt from that colossa l d ru n ken roa r.

Ow!

Oh, that noise !

Oh, it's the Catholics next door, I' m afra id .

(B ELLOWS)

I' ll j ust go a nd bu rn them . Back i n a m i n ute. Percy!

(KN OCKI N G)

Yes?

-I' m suffocati ng . -Tha n k God you knocked !

Come on, ta ke a deep breath .

(GAS PS)

And a nother.

- Better? -Yes.

Good .

Mi nd you, I' ll say one th i ng for Catholics.

They do have natu ra l rhyth m .

(CH EERI N G) Melchett!

I notice you ' re not d ri n ki ng, Blackadder.

Ah, don 't you worry a bout me. I' m hold i ng my own here.

Wa hey! H old i ng my own ! N ow that sou nds i ncred i bly rude !

(ALL LAUG H )

Yes, well, I never went to u n iversity, of cou rse.

Blackadder, that doesn 't expla i n why you ' re not d ri n ki ng with us.

Ah, yes, that's what I actua lly ca me to ta lk to you a bout.

What do you say to the idea of ten m i n utes of a bsolute si lence

to get some rea lly serious d ri n ki ng i n?

ALL: Yea h !

(S H US HI N G)

Yes, I sa id, please g ive me si lence, not d rench me with d ri bble.

N ow, here's a n ice g lass of cider.

Oh ! On ly cider! I' m goi ng to go put some bra ndy i n it!

ALL: H ooray! MELCH ETT: Qu iet! Sh h !

(ELIZAB ETH S H RI EKS)

(ALL YELLI N G)

H ow a re we a ll goi ng, now?

N ot well.

Let us d iscuss you r i n herita nce.

Ah, yes, good . A little d ri n k fi rst?

Dri n k! Wicked ch i ld .

Dri n k is u ri ne from the last leper i n hell!

Oh, no, no. Th is is on ly water!

Th is is a house of si m ple pu rity.

(VOMITI N G)

Great booze-u p, Ed m u nd !

(S PITS)

(YELLI N G)

Do you know that ma n?

N o.

H e ca lled you Ed m u nd .

Oh, know h i m? Oh, yes, I do.

Then ca n you expla i n what he mea nt by "g reat booze-u p"?

Yes, I ca n .

My friend is a m issiona ry.

And on h is last visit a broad,

broug ht back with h i m the ch ief of a fa mous tri be.

H is na me is Great Boo.

H e's been sufferi ng from sleepi ng sickness.

And he's obviously j ust woken .

As you hea rd, Great Boo's u p.

Well done, Ed m u nd !

I th i n k I'd better go visit h i m ! Perce, over to you !

Yes.

H ow a bout some sort of ga me?

H ow a bout a cou ple of rou nds of shove-piggy-shove?

Blackadder, you cha llenged me to a d ri n ki ng com petition ea rlier today

a nd I haven 't seen you touch a d rop.

- N onsense ! -It's true.

You twist a nd tu rn li ke a . . . Twisty-tu rny th i ng .

I say you ' re a weedy pigeon .

And you ca n ca ll me Susa n if it isn 't so.

All rig ht, Ba ld rick!

Fetch my i ncred i bly strong a le.

N ot Dr McGloo's Am ber Enema?

(SCO FFS) A d ri n k for schoolg i rls!

Su rely, not Strollop's Lobster Scru m py?

N o, it is Blackadder's Bowel- Basher.

A brew g ua ra nteed to knock the backside off a concrete elepha nt.

Is it not, Ba ld rick?

N o, it's water.

-What? -Water?

(B LACKAD D ER LAUG HS N ERVOUS )

N o, but seriously, Ba ld rick,

a nd presu m i ng, you wish to see a nother dawn .

You d id ca ll for you r i ncred i bly strong a le?

Yes, that's rig ht.

Well, that's a relief. I thoug ht I'd made a m ista ke.

Oh ! H e's rig ht! It is water!

Come on, lads! Let's g ive h i m a rea l d ri n k.

Oh, fi ne !

Bu ms u p!

Wa it! Bu ms!

Sou nds a bit li ke bu m, doesn 't it?

Dri n k, Blackadder, d ri n k!

(ALL CH EERI N G)

Percy!

I lost the bet.

Ed m u nd, expla i n you rself!

(S LU RRI N G) I ca n 't. N ot j ust li ke that.

I' m a com plicated person, you see, Au ntie.

Someti mes I' m n ice.

And someti mes I' m nasty.

(GIGG LES)

And someti mes I j ust li ke to si ng little songs li ke...

(SI N GI N G) See the Iittle goblin

I mea n, expla i n why you ' re wea ri ng a ca rd i na l's hat,

why you ' re g ri n n i ng i na nely,

a nd why you have a n ostrich feather sticki ng out of you r britches.

I' m wea ri ng a ca rd i na l's hat beca use I' m Ca rd i na l Ch u nder.

I have a n ostrich feather u p my bottom

cos Mister Ostrich put it there to keep i n the little pixie.

And I' m g ri n n i ng i na nely

beca use I th i n k I've j ust a bout succeeded

i n con n i ng you a nd you r daft h usba nd out of a whoppi ng g reat i n herita nce.

(GIGG LES)

Is that rig ht?

May I rem i nd you, cu rsed creatu re,

that you r i n herita nce depends u pon you r not d ri n ki ng a nd not ga m bli ng .

Oh, yes, da m n . Percy, the devi l fa rts i n my face once more.

N ot mention i ng fa rts was a lso a cond ition .

Shove off, you old trout!

H ow da re you spea k to my h usba nd li ke that!

Natha n iel, we' re leavi ng .

-And you . . . -Yes?

Has a nyone ever told you you ' re a g igg li ng i m beci le?

Oh, yes.

Good .

Good ridda nce, you old witch !

(KN OCKI N G)

Oh ! She's forgotten her broomstick.

Look,

I j ust wa nted to say tha n ks for a splend id even i ng .

Yes. Fi rst rate, a ll rou nd .

Pa rticu la rly you r jester.

By the way, I loved the tu rn i p.

Very fu n ny.

Exactly the sa me sha pe as a th i ngy!

Good God !

Well, look who it is!

MAN : Who is it?

Well, it's a boys' pa rty, she's a g i rl...

So she m ust be the stri pper!

(ALL CH EERI N G)

Oh, no !

Don 't get too depressed, Ed m u nd .

I mea n ...

Money isn 't everyth i ng .

Well, th i n k of clouds a nd da isies

a nd the lovely sm i les on little ba bies' faces.

Be q u iet, Percy.

Th is way!

(REVELLERS YELLI N G)

MELCH ETT: Whoa ! Another stri pper!

ALL: H ooray!

MELCH ETT: And a ma le stri pper! ALL: H ooray!

Oh, yes! Th is is m uch more li ke it! Ooh !

And she's come d ressed as the q ueen !

Ooh ! Sexy!

(ALL LAUG H )

Do you know who I a m?

Yes, I know who you a re.

Who?

You ' re Merli n the ha ppy pig .

ALL: H ooray!

Wrong, I' m afra id .

I a m the Queen of Eng la nd .

I may have the body of a wea k a nd feeble woma n,

but I have the hea rt a nd stomach

of a concrete elepha nt.

Prove it!

Certa i n ly wi ll.

Fi rst, I' m goi ng to have a little d ri n kie.

And then I' m gon na execute the whole ba lly lot of you .

See the Iittle goblin, See his Iittle feet

And his Iittle nosey-wose Isn 't the goblin sweetl

ALL: Yes! ELIZAB ETH : Wa it a m i n ute !

I' m su re there was someth i ng very i m porta nt

I had to do to you a ll th is morn i ng .

(ALL LAUG HI N G)

Remem ber someth i ng a bout 10,000 flori ns, was it?

I th i n k it was someth i ng a bout a n i n herita nce.

Look, do you lot wa nt to hea r a bout the gobli n or not?

ALL: Yes!

Rig ht, perha ps th is ti me I m ig ht be a llowed to conti n ue,

a nd, perha ps fi n ish, with a ny luck!

Luck? (CH UCKLES)

Wa-hay! Get it?

ALL: U m, no.

Oh, come on ! Luck!

Sou nds a lmost exactly li ke f...

(TH EME MUSIC P LAYI N G)

BIackadder's calling for his beer

The art of boozing he 's not mastered

Andl, your merry balladeer

Am also well and trulyPIastered

BIackadder, BIackadder

A bit Iike Robin Hood

BIackadder, BIackadder

But nothing Iike as good

BIackadder, BIackadder

I thought that he had died

BIackadder, BIackadder

Dur writers must have Iied