Original subtitles

Rumbling

thunder clap

Rattling

He vomits

is that you being sick in here, tinsel of the solar system?

Oh, abdab, 29 days, I have been on this ferry.

Britain does not want me, France does not want me.

America, why have you forsaken me?

Fear not, sparkle of the landmasses,

you still have me.

Oh...

There is only one solution.

If America will not contact me, I must contact America.

Abdab, I think you have just cut off my eyebrow.

160 apologies, master.

You are an imbecile, abdab.

Thank you, master.

Now shave me properly.

Yes, planet of the apes.

That's better.

Now, can you see the number?

I see nothing, master.

Oh, fool, when are you going to remove that blindfold?

In the holy scriptures, I am not...

Oh, shut up.

Ah, yes, there it is. I can just see the first few figures.

Master, I still do not understand

why you have a telephone number tattooed under your hair.

It is a highly secret coded radio frequency

which will put me in touch with my old CIA contacts.

Argh! You have cut my head open!

1,140 apologies, master.

Now go and do as I instructed! Go and find me that radio equipment.

And, abdab, make sure you are not seen.

At once, master. Good.

Argh!

Bungling fool!

Planet of the apes?!

Do I have to go on this TV show tonight, Deacon?

To back out now, sir, would be an act of cowardice.

Don't you think another day might be more suitable?

A day when I haven't just crushed two American citizens to death

with a United States helicopter.

You think it's safe to talk?

Puerto rican, sir. Understands nothing.

Of course, I was against it in the first place.

"Let's send the shah a message through his parrots", you said.

We got the goddamn thing loose, and it gets lost.

If that bird ever repeats what we told it to somebody else,

I mean, if Russia found out

we were sending the shah's men a quark bomb...

Sir!

If the lord had meant Russia to find out

that we were sending the shah's men a quark bomb,

he would never have given us pension schemes.

He wouldn't?

Faith, mr president, faith.

For I have a public relations staff to guide me.

They are insistent you take the statesmanlike cause tonight

and face the cameras.

Everyone will respect you for it.

And by tomorrow morning,

you will again be the most popular man in the United States.

He laughs

he pretends to cough

for the last time, mr grodd,

will you admit that cyclops ordered you to come here

to rescue the hoppers?

I see, very well.

Popigay, pull out another toenail.

There are no more left, commissar.

No more toenails?!

I've pulled them all out, commissar. See?

Very well.

Increase the current. Commissar.

Electricity pulses

you see, it is no use screaming for mercy!

If you do not tell me your...

Listen, where did you get that thing?

Popigay, pick it up. Yes, commissar.

You think you are pretty tough, don't you?

Tougher than you can handle, russki.

We shall see!

Popigay.

My back has gone again.

Popigay!

Come here. Help me out.

I am surrounded by idiots.

Very well, now we will go over to the other prisoner

and see what he can tell us.

Yes, commissar.

Wbc dateline news, around-the-clock, and around the globe.

I'm Jay garrick, and the world is an oyster.

First, news of the missing quark bomb,

formerly known as the Johnny cyclops bomb,

after the president of the same name.

CIA chief Gus mankowitz

today categorically laughed off suggestions

that the bomb is now in the hands

of the world's most-wanted terrorist, lacrobat,

the man of a thousand faces. He told reporters

that there was no way on this earth that lacrobat

could already have smuggled the device out of the country

cleverly concealed inside a rare Peruvian artefact.

Just to be on the safe side,

the entire CIA will now launch in a worldwide hunt

for the man sometimes known as the devil.

And already they have established beyond any doubt

that lacrobat's next appearance

will be at the port of Montevideo in Uruguay.

Crash

How do you do there, then, Johnny?

Get out of there at once, you revolting little weed.

Oh, certainly, my dear.

Now, then, what's all the kerfuffle?

Oh, what can I say? Still, I won't charge you for it.

'Tis only a scratch. It will never notice.

Look what you've done.

Oh, no, my dear, I didn't do that.

What do you mean?

No, no, hippo did that.

Hippo?

Oh, arr, that's hippo all right.

Arr, wait a minute.

This is rhino.

Now, that be hippo. Fresh this morning.

Smell that.

All right, please yourself.

Ahem.

Is this yours, sir?

Oh, glory be no, sir. Gorilla, I should think.

Oh, aye. Either gorilla or mandrill, sir.

The vehicle.

Oh, arr! Soddy's jolly jungle and sealion circus, sir.

And you are Mr...? Soddy.

Gabriel Garfield soddy, sir,

of spinner, stetson, snelgrove, hiplar, soddy and gob, sir,

zookeepers in taunton for over 200 years, and not ashamed of it.

What's wrong with a bit of dung?

What's under this?

Oh, that's my Stella, sir.

Stella?

Ah, 14 years, the star attraction, sir.

Still, not even a walrus lasts forever.

So I'm taking her to avignon to have her stuffed.

Stuffed? I think it's what she would have wanted,

if she was still alive.

Avignon.

I expect you know the firm, sir.

Montecha, valde, corbigny, pissoir and cognac, sir.

Taxidermists to the zoos of the world.

They do a real top-quality glass eyeball, sir.

None of your ping-pong balls on skewers.

Sign this.

With equanimity, sir.

And keep it covered up. Certainly, sir.

Sorry about the mess on the paper, sir.

Still, vulture hardly ever stains.

Buzzing

a little more to the left, abdab!

Very good.

Arghhh!

Perfect!

Hello? Hello, is that pig bay control?

This is Gulf lion two.

Get me a special linkup through the CIA big boy space satellite.

Hello?

Is there anyone there?

Hello?

Come in, big boy.

Please.

Big boy, hurry up!

For the last time, we know that you are on your way to the shah

with a message from cyclops.

Now, will you tell me what it was?

I see, we have a smart-arse parrot on our hands.

Well, if you do not tell me, I will...

'Hello, big boy.

'Come in, please.

'Do you read me?

'Please acknowledge.'

where is that coming from?

'Hello.'

'hello.'

'big boy?'

get away from there!

You, shut up.

This man has a radio concealed in his left nipple.

'This is mashiq rassim, the shah of Iran.

'Please, speak to me.'

parrot: 'Your imperial majesty.

'This is president cyclops of the United States.'

squawks

you may have noticed I'm sending this message by means of a parrot.

That's because what I'm about to say

is of a highly sensitive and confidential...

Squawks

are you getting all this?

'We have arranged for an international mercenary

'to deliver the quark bomb to one of your men in Iran.'

and we hope to have you off that ferry very soon.

Ferry?

Argh! Switch off, you goddamn fool,

you're being monitored by the kgb!

Kgb? Oh!

Abdab yells

all prepared, mr president?

Thank you, honey.

You know I hate appearing in front of cameras, Deacon.

It is expected of you, sir.

The one thing the American people need right now

is reassurance from their president.

Besides, we have anticipated every possible question

you could be asked.

Just let me run through them again, will you?

Let me see.

"No." "never at any time."

"I have since fired the man responsible.

"Absolutely untrue."

"Only once, and it made me sick."

Well, I'm about as ready as I'm ever gonna be.

Knock at door mr cyclops?

This is it, sir, coast-to-coast. The nation awaits president cyclops.

All right, let's get it over with.

Ok, marnie, now let's see our next pair of...

Celebrity knees!

Applause

And will our mystery celebrity now knock his knees, please?

Any ideas at all, Donovan?

Well, I don't know, but I will say one thing,

with his knees knocking that much, it oughta be Johnny cyclops.

Audience laughs

well, it's funny you should say that, Donovan, because...

Cheering and applause

There we are, the president of the United States, ladies and gentlemen.

Stay and have a short chat with us, won't you, sir?

Why, I'd be glad to, Dean.

I've always been a big fan of your...

Gunshot

screaming

sirens blare

oh, god, I have sinned.

I have sinned!

Hush. He'll hear you.

Besides, you're not gonna die.

The gunman's bullet is lodged harmlessly in your shoulder.

In my shoulder? Oh, thank goodness he was a terrible shot.

Terrible? He was a brilliant shot.

The finest marksman in the CIA.

The CIA?

Mr president, have you any idea

what effect this vicious and heartless attack

will have on your flagging popularity?

You'll be a national hero. What?

Ok, what about this one, the doctor says,

"I'm afraid we're gonna have to amputate at the elbow."

And cyclops says, "that's ok, I'm all for arms limitation."

Isn't that awful? My god, what a Turkey.

It's genius material. Write it down.

I don't like the sound of all this.

Sir, if the lord had meant us to like the sound of everything,

he would never have given us commercial radio.

You had me deliberately shot just to get public sympathy?

Desperate diseases require desperate remedies, sir.

Ok, I've got it.

They wheel him into the operating room,

and then the doctor opens up his chest. And cyclops says,

"I sure hope congress will approve these cuts."

Everything I write is crap.

Listen, Deacon, who are all these people?

Please, sir, be still.

They're just here to furnish you with a few ad libs,

as I believe they're termed in the vernacular.

Ad libs?

Oh, no, they're all here on your idiot board, sir.

These are your openers, ok?

"My lungs are both full of lead.

"Now I know what it feels like to breathe in Detroit."

And then, as they're stitching in the sutures, you say,

"hey, you guys, I'm so unpopular, you'd better put in a zip."

I think it will work if you hit the word zip, sir.

Most agreeable, gentlemen.

And this is the big finish, sir.

After the operation, you're having a cup of coffee.

Yeah, yeah, and then you bleed all over the cup and saucer,

and you say, "that's ok, I never did like red China."

That's red China. Red China... I like that.

Mark my words, sir, your public standing will rocket this time.

Hennessy and his democrat vipers will be left at the starting line.

Wbc dateline news, I'm Jay garrick.

Praise him from whom all blessings flow.

And here are the Sunday headlines.

Messages of sympathy and good wishes

have begun flooding in from all over America

following a cruel and brutal incident

that has shocked the civilised world.

Presidential candidate Jimmy hennessy

was today knocked down by a mad speeding ambulance,

which mounted the sidewalk outside his home, crushing his legs

and causing serious multiple injuries.

The ambulance in question was on its way to hospital

carrying president Johnny cyclops,

who is understood to have received only mild flesh wounds

after an attempt on his life at a TV studio this afternoon.

Nathan klugman has the details.

Thanks, Jay. As the hearts of all Americans

go out tonight to Jimmy hennessy,

president cyclops appears to be making rather a meal

of his own somewhat trivial injuries.

When asked by a nurse how he was feeling, he replied,

"both my lungs are full of lead. Maybe they ought to put in a zip."

Earlier on, it is understood

he asked to have both his arms amputated,

apparently as a protest against red China.

Mr cyclops' popularity rating

is now reported to be fractionally below that of the Boston strangler.

You are quite clear about your instructions, abdab?

Completely, trinket of the dominions.

Go out and find you something inconspicuous to wear,

and then bring it back here at once

so that you can leave the boat at calais

without being recognised,

"and take off that bloody blindfold, or we'll get nowhere."

Right, off you go.

Clattering

Be very careful out there, master.

They've put a porthole in the floor.

You incompetent, brainless simpleton!

Yes, yes, yes, master, strike me again, I am unworthy.

Stop enjoying it when I hit you! Yes, master.

Foghorn blasts

my god, we are already there.

The kgb is onto me!

Oh, quickly, abdab!

Quickly, be ready.

The next man to enter this door

is going to provide me with my new set of clothes.

C'est possible qu'il soit...

Lacrobat.

Le diable, hein?

Qu'il a cache la bombe quark...

Dans un grand morceau de glace.

Il faut le chercher a tout prix. Et surtout...

Capitaine! Regardez!

All clamour c'est lui! Attrapez! Vite!

Shouting depechez-vous!

Ugh!

God in heaven.

Still, I suppose it will have to do.

Come on, abdab, we have no time to spare.

Eh bien, monsieur lacrobat.

Enfin.

He chuckles

rassim!

Mais vous etes mort!

Capitaine?

Capitaine, nous avons trouve le morceau de glace.

Oui, c'est vrai. Vite! Vite!

Dieu merci.

Alors, enleve-le. Capitaine?

Quelle direction?

Bof...

N'importe ou. Les lavatoires.

Maintenant, la grande promotion, hein?

Oui, bien sur!

He chuckles

The president shouldn't really be disturbed.

Well, this one is.

We have to make the best of it. Wake him up, please, nurse.

Thank you, nurse.

No, no, cheater, leave.

Cheater, leave...

Oh!

Wh-what time is it, Deacon?

Late, mr president. Perhaps too late.

I bring good news and bad news.

Uh-huh.

First of all, Jimmy hennessy died during the night.

Oh, my god!

And the bad news...

In the early hours of this morning, the Soviet union

launched a full-scale military invasion of Iran.

He gulps

nurse!

Right here, mr president.

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