Original subtitles

Once he hits the base, you go.

Don't let me catch you!

- Okay, okay, underhand. Now, listen. - Okay.

- Listen. Brad, you're panicking. - I know.

- Okay, don't panic. It's a softball. - Okay, alright.

- It's not a hard ball. It's a softball. - Alright.

Let's go! Good job!

Oh, I did this when I did "Guys and Dolls" in high school!

I'm almost there. I'm almost there. Ah!

- Okay, now you, now you. - How about me?

- Sammy, you're late! - Sorry, Coach,

I had to stop and get some donuts.

Alright, here we go! Again!

Again!

- Keep going. - Okay.

Whoa, whoa! Settle, settle.

You start packing yet?

Oh, no. But, I will.

You want some help?

- From who, you? - Yes, from me.

God!

Well, 'cause you hate packing.

Everybody hates packing, Joel.

But, you know, we do the things

that we hate for the ones we love.

Oh my gosh, are you being tender with me?

- Yes. - Mm, I like it.

- Eh... - Um,

that would be so nice actually, yeah.

You know, I think having you there,

it'll feel less overwhelming.

Alright. Well, we'll be miserable together.

I'll bring snacks, and we can party.

Ten!

Yes!

Okay, Joel, you're up! Keep it goin'.

- Oh, I'm okay just being a cheerleader. - Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, Fred's really in his element out there.

Yes, he is. It's good for us.

Never hurts to move the body.

Yeah, speak for yourself.

- You make those? - I did.

They taste better than they look.

I'll see if I have any room left after my maple log.

You know, Sam, I wish you hadn't have brought those.

What, the donuts?

Fred's trying really hard to stay on track.

It isn't easy.

And the French toast for the table

and the donuts are not helping.

Well, he doesn't have to eat 'em if he doesn't want to.

It's not a big deal.

I'm not saying anything about how you live your life.

You do whatever you wanna do. Just...

don't bring down Fred with you.

Excuse me?

I-I just call it like I see it.

Ooh, snack time! Wee!

- Granola bar, anyone? - Oh, thanks, babe.

- No... - I'm okay.

Alright, kids, make sure you're hydrating.

- Uh, yes, Coach, yes. - Good.

Oh, it's the MVP.

Oh, I don't know about all that.

Um...

I wanted to ask if I could call you?

I know people don't like to pick up the phone anymore,

but would that be okay?

Yeah, anytime.

There's something I wanna do for Joel,

and I could, like, use your help.

Whatever you need.

- Thank you. - Alright, kids,

don't get too comfortable!

We gotta stay nice and loose

because, up next, soft hands! You've had enough.

- Well, I need my glove. - Get your glove.

So, this box, which is a yellow Post-it, is donate,

this box is, uh, toss-slash-recycling,

and that's the blue Post-it,

and the pink Post-it is for Sam.

Oh, I like it!

I'm just gonna look through this, uh, "toss"

to make sure there's not something I might need.

Oh, yeah, please. Be my guest.

- Do you want a drink before we get started? - Uh, yeah, I'll take a beer.

- Okay. - Thank you.

Oh, cutie.

Well, I ripped off the Band-Aid

and I finally went out to the farm.

You did?

- Mm-hmm. - How did it go?

Um, you know, it was good. He's nice enough.

And it seems like he's taking good care of the place, so...

Oh, good. So it wasn't that bad, see?

- Yeah. - What'd I tell ya? You just had to...

- Gotta get outta my head. - Get out of your own head.

I know, I know.

- Easier said than done. - I know.

What? What's wrong?

Oh, it's just a lot of change.

I know! It's a lot of change for me, too.

Hey,

but we're gonna have a lot of fun at the new house.

I guess...

- You know what I did? - Hm?

I got specially made napkins for the housewarming party.

Oh, how fun is that?

I think maybe that will make the church ladies like me.

I can't wait to meet those ladies.

I'm kidding! I'm gonna be on my best behavior!

- Okay. - You know, I love new people. It's like my thing now.

Good! I'm so happy to hear it.

Wait, donate? Joel.

You're not getting rid of the piano, are you?

- Yeah. I am. - But...

- But, we love this piano. You love this piano. - I know,

but Brad already has a piano.

There's no room for this.

It's just a thing.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right, you're right. It's...

It's just a thing.

Okay. Put me in, Coach. What do you need me to do?

You want me to sit down and watch you,

or, um, go lie down in the bedroom?

Oh, my God, who knew that this baby boy

was gonna grow up and have size 14s?

And a little bonnet! I mean, Joel! Oh, my God!

This is so sweet.

Um, okay, so is this gonna be for bedroom or for...

Nah, just toss it.

Toss it? Are you crazy?

Joel! Come on, we're not tossing this!

How sweet.

Oh, have you...

Have you been saving this for your kids?

It's okay, I...

We're not gonna have kids.

You're not gonna have kids? What are you talking about?

You've always wanted kids, Joel.

It's right there in the middle of your vision board.

Yeah, well, I did...

but things change.

Things change?

Okay...

The piano, I-I guess I can understand, but...

you have always wanted to be a dad, Joel.

That doesn't just go away.

Yeah, I know, but...

Sam, you just... You know, it's life.

You have to make compromises.

Besides, I'm gonna be a stepfather now.

I mean, they're 30, and you've never even met them.

Well, that's a lot to look forward to.

Okay.

You know what? If you're good, I'm good.

- I'm good. - Promise?

Yes, promise!

Okay.

Well, can I keep this?

Sure, why?

Because I wanna wear it to your housewarming party.

- Oh, God. Please don't. - I think I can make it work.

It's got just enough give to pop over these things.

Hi. I'm Joel's best friend.

"All I want for Christmas is my two front cunts."

You have outdone yourself.

I told you I was full of surprises.

And I'm gonna be first on everyone's shopping list.

I just can't believe that you came up

with all these by yourself.

I feel cheated!

Do your boyfriends know

that they're banging a big cunt mogul?

Uh, no,

and I would never tell them about these!

It's kind of fun though. It's like I'm a superhero,

with some secret identity. I love it.

And I love the money!

What's it like being able to go out to dinner

without checking your bank balance first?

It's glorious.

You gotta gimme a raise, you cunt.

- I'll get there. - Ew, here. Will you talk to him?

I don't wanna let him ruin my good mood.

Wha...

This isn't good.

Hi, again. Um...

I just need to go down to the basement and, um, grab that map.

- Yeah, all yours. - Okay.

I think I know where it is.

Oh. Bingo.

Hi. Sorry it took me a second.

My dad's not the most organized person,

- but I did find it, so... - Great.

You two really love your meat, huh?

We do.

Okay, well, um, Tricia's waiting, so...

- You com... You gonna... Uh, we'll catch up. - Yeah.

Okay.

Nine, ten, eleven, twe...

- Oh, my God! - Did you find it yet?

No! And stop talking, I'm concentrating.

I'm trying to figure out what Dad's doing here!

- Just give it to me, I'll find it. - No! I'll lose my place, stop!

Okay, I think this is it.

Seriously!

- What's so funny? - Nothing.

Alright, well, these are actually Dad's paces,

so you're more his size, you do it.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey!

- Um... How do you say his name again? - No, I have no idea.

Hey! Um, can you come over here?

We need your help.

Wait, Wesley.

Oh, sure, just take your fucking time.

- We got nowhere better to be. - Come on, let's go.

Ah! Found it.

Oh, my God. Thank God. Okay, great.

- Um... Thanks. - Here you go.

Sam, just take a picture of that

so we never have to do this ever again, okay?

Um, great, so I'm gonna call Rusty and I'll have him come over,

look at the septic tank.

And we'll take care of it.

Um, so are you good? Do you need anything else, or...?

- That's it, thanks. - Mm-hmm.

Did he just smile at me? So weird.

What's weird about a smile?

- Don't at him! - He's still looking at us!

- Don't look! Oh, my God. - It's creepy.

Hi! Wow.

- Right on time. - Oh yeah. Hoo!

Well, I actually got here about 10 minutes ago.

- I've just been standing out there. - Well, why didn't you knock?

I didn't wanna be rude.

- Okay. Alright, come on in. - Okay.

You want me to take your coat?

Or you can just throw it on the chair, whatever.

I can, I can put it on the chair.

Alright. Oh, something fell off a tree

- and landed on your shoulder. - Oh, really?

Yeah.

So, where does Joel think you are?

- At the gym. - Mm!

Okay, so what do we have, like, 20 minutes or...

- That's just me. - Well, more like 90.

Wow! You really put in some work.

Well, I'm seeing a younger guy. I have...

- I can't let this all go. I have to keep it together. - Okay.

Um, okay, well, what do you wanna do?

You wanna talk about the lyrics, or we could jump in on music?

- Uh... - I'm not really that good on the piano,

so I thought if we try something simple.

- Um... - Yeah.

You know, whatever. I just think Joel's gonna freak out

as soon as you start singing.

I was actually hoping that you would sing it.

Oh, no, I'm not singing. This is... This is your thing.

I'm... I'm just gonna help you write the song.

Uh-huh. Um...

You've heard me sing...

Of course, I've heard you sing.

You have a lot of power.

True, but...

This is different.

I've never been comfortable

expressing my feelings in public,

- you know? - Yeah.

I think I understand that. But,

you know, I think that's what's so great about singing.

You know, somehow, the music just makes it so much easier.

It's like you're not doing it alone.

- Oh. - I mean, that's how I think about it.

Anyway, let's just start and see what happens.

- Okay. Okay. - Okay? Did you do your homework?

Of course, I did. I'm a teacher.

Oh.

"Things I Love About Joel."

Well, it's a world-class giggle.

Yes, "very prompt". Oh, you got "he's kind" on here twice.

I guess you mean it.

Well, I think I...

- that's a mistake. - No, no, no mistakes here.

"Sense of humor, drink mixing skills."

I happen to also love that.-

"The way he looks at me"?

That might be cheating. Uh, it's more about me.

We can... We can leave that off.

No, I like that.

What is it about that? You know, the way that he looks at you?

Nobody's...

ever looked at me the way he does.

I guess it's just love.

Yeah.

He's a good one, right?

- He is. - Wow. What is it? Is it like, um...

- No, I didn't... - No.

- No. - Or is it more like...

Not quite, but closer.

Okay.

It's more like, um...

- Oh, he's a clown. - Yes, he's a clown.

Welcome.

- Hi. Hi, Gail. - I'm Gail.

- Here, let me take that for you. - Oh.

- Yeah, careful. It's heavy. - Oh. Oh!

Who should I tell them it's from?

- Uh, It's from me. I'm Sam. Sam, yeah. - Sam.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, Gail.

Oh, hi!

- Are you limping? - Oh, no. I'm sorry I'm late.

But I, uh, I brought you that.

Oh, thank you!

It's good because Brad's church friends drink

like they just made bail.

I also brought a gift, but, uh,

some lady took it from me at the door.

- You brought a gift? Aw! - I did.

Oh.

Is it that professionally wrapped one over there?

It might be. How'd you know?

Oh, a mother knows.

But, you didn't have to do that.

Don't spend your money on me and Brad.

Oh, come on, I'm fine. I wanted to.

Hi, Sam!

Can I get you some bubbles

or a-a-a signature cocktail?

You have to try Joel's French martini.

Oh!

- And these hors d'oeuvres are fabulous. - Aw.

Oh, what did you say they were again?

St. Louis Sushi.

- They're a signature. - Oh, well, they are divine!

Get you a drink!

- We're opening gifts! - Oh, great.

Look at these little oven mitts that Belinda got them!

Aren't they so cute?

And these are the last pieces.

Oh, okay. Oh, wow.

Let's see. Um...

"I love my two Dads."

I know, I-I know.

It doesn't make any sense.

- Well... - But it was the only gay thing we could find.

You guys are the best.

- Thank you. - Oh, we had to.

They're so fun.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna take a quick lap.

- Oh, I'll take... I'll come with you. - Oh, we need more cocktails.

- Oh, yes! I need a whole full glass! - Oh, okay. Okay.

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out!

I was on the field with the team.

- What?! - Yes, I know. I'm going crazy!

And Susie got the whole thing on tape. Didn't you, Susie?

- I sure did. - It was the best day of my life.

- Well, of course, other than my wedding day, baby. - Hm...

- I'm starving, I'm so sorry. - Yeah, get in here!

- Okay. - You know what? I'll take, uh,

one of these.

Mm, delicious.

One more!

♪ She'll be coming on the mountain when she comes ♪

When she comes!

♪ She'll be coming on the mountain when she comes ♪

When she comes!

♪ She got the biggest damn titties ♪

♪ In the whole fuckin' city ♪

♪ She'll be coming on the mountain when she comes ♪

When she comes!

♪ She'll be riding eight whole inches when she comes ♪

Sammy!

I told you this shit gets wild!

- What did we miss? - What's going on?

♪ She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes ♪ - Sam: No, stop! Stop!

Stop!

Well,

we finally have everyone in the same room.

- Would now be a good time? - Um,

it'd be a great time.

Okay.

Okay, everyone! Uh, uh, come on,

come on in and make yourselves comfortable!

- Scooch. - Wait, what's happening?

You'll see.

- Okay. Okay. - Oh, my boobs.

Okay.

- Yeah, sit here. Sit here. - Surprises. Mm.

Um, I've never...

been comfortable, um...

um, showing my emotion in public,

and...

But, I think I found someone that, uh,

makes me wanna go beyond my comfort zone, so...

Uh, what do... what is it that I say now, Sam?

- Uh, you say "Hit the track." - Hit the track.

Okay. Okay.

It's okay.

I got you.

♪ I wake in the morning and I ♪

♪ See your face ♪

♪ I'm the luckiest guy ♪

♪ In the entire human race ♪

♪ A cup of coffee or a ♪

♪ Trip to the store ♪

♪ I'll take forever ♪

♪ And then I'll take some more ♪

♪ Seems so simple ♪

♪ Now that we're here ♪

♪ Didn't know what I was missin' ♪

♪ Then came the kissin' ♪

♪ Now, it's crystal clear ♪

♪ But, oh ♪

♪ The way you look at me ♪

♪ I can't explain it ♪

♪ I guess it's just love ♪

♪ Oh, love ♪

♪ Love ♪

You okay?

You can do this.

♪ When we're walking, you say ♪

♪ Let's take the sunny side ♪

♪ And then you smile at me ♪

♪ You crack my heart open wide ♪

♪ All of God's creatures ♪

♪ Here on Earth ♪

♪ Each one a miracle ♪

♪ But, I'll always pick you first ♪

♪ 'Cause, oh ♪

♪ The way you look at me ♪

♪ I can't explain it ♪

♪ But, I know it's love ♪

♪ Oh, love ♪

♪ Love... ♪

- Beautiful. - Nice.

Just cheers to love! Love, love, love, love!

That was so good!

That was so good!

Thank you, Sam.

It was beautiful, Brad. Really beautiful.

It was a fun night.

- Yeah. - And I loved the song. It was beautiful.

Well, I was just trying to help the old guy out.

He really loves you.

Like, a lot.

- Mm. Yeah. - Oh, forgot.

Come here.

- I got a little surprise for you. - For me?

- It's too much! - I didn't have time to wrap it.

Oh!

Is it stupid or is it cutie? - It's cutie!

This is maybe the best gift

I've ever received in my entire life.

- Really? - Yeah.

I thought it was, too.

Oh, Joel, what is up with those church ladies?

What?

I think they're nice and everything,

but they just sort of, like, treat you guys

like you're, like, a gay mascot or something.

Meh, they're harmless.

Yeah, maybe.

And that church is... I mean...

it's not exactly my style, but...

Well...

like, can't you be a couple and just not go to church together?

God, I've...

I've never really thought about that.

I... I don't know how it works. Just ignore me.

Okay, drink your water.

If I drink that, I'm gonna piss all over this couch.

Is that bad?

No, you won't. Drink your water.

And yes, it is bad.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Who's gonna get me hydrated

if you're not there to keep me... give me my dinky-dinkies?

We're still gonna talk to each other every day.

- You sure? - Yes.

- I still need our nightly tuck-ins. - Oh. You promise?

I promise.

Okay.

Then won't you get the fuck off the couch? I'd like to go to bed.

- Yes, I can do that. - Sorry if I spit on you.

You didn't.

Night-night.

- Wait. - Hm?

Joel...

Do I bring you down?

What are you talking about?

Um...

Nothing, I think I'm just drunk.

Okay. Well, time to go nighty-nights, okay?

Okay.

How did you sleep?

Real good. Thank you.

This is a, a fun little setup. Do you do this every day?

Most days, and always when Joel's here.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, that's nice.

I still can't get over that Dutch oven you gave us.

- That was too generous. - Yeah, well,

saw the name, and it just... I had to.

It cracked me up.

Wh-What's... What's funny about a Dutch oven?

What's funny about that?

- What? - Well,

it's when you, uh, you know,

it's when you trap a fart under the covers,

and you make the other person smell it. You...

- Oh. - Yeah, you-you've never heard of that?

No, I didn't know you could do that.

You can. I-I just did.

Except I was the only one there.

That'll be a fun trick to try out.

Yeah.

I hope scrambled are okay.

Oh, anything right now. Thank you.

Hey, um, Joel was telling me

that it's been a little tough for you,

losing the income from his place.

Oh, he did?

W-We're more than happy to float you some cash

if that's helpful for you.

Oh, n-no, I-I'm really okay.

- Okay. Alright. - Yeah.

Well, if you change your mind...

- I will let you know. - Okay.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Look at you two, up with the sun.

Sam was just telling me

what a Dutch oven is.

Well,

Sam has legendary Dutch ovens.

Oh. Okay. Here.

I'm good, I'm good.

- No? - No.

Yeah, guys, I-I think I gotta do something about this hangover.

- Okay. - You know what? I'm gonna let you guys

have your morning, um,

and I'm gonna, uh... Let's just... I'll...

- I-I'll call you later. - But we haven't even debriefed about last night yet.

Oh, I know... I know. We will, we will.

Ew!

Oh, God. Oh...

I'm a real fucking...

real fucking picture right now.

Oh, God.

Oh!

Oh, shit, I better go.

Oops... Fuck.

♪ Have you received your invitation ♪

♪ To the time of your life? ♪

♪ You ought to come to my party ♪

♪ I bet you were surprised this morning ♪

♪ When you found the invitation ♪

♪ That I slipped under your door ♪

♪ Bet you were surprised, baby, you were surprised ♪

♪ Bet you thought you'd never ever hear from me ♪

♪ Anymore ♪

♪ Wear something chilling, nothing too revealing ♪

♪ Leave the rest up to my mind ♪

♪ My champagne lady ♪

♪ You're like the rarest of wine ♪

♪ Hey, baby, won't you come to my party? ♪

♪ Hey, stop by, girl ♪

♪ Baby, won't you come to my party ♪

♪ Gonna send the whole world ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Hey, baby, won't you come to my party? ♪

♪ You better not miss it, girl ♪

♪ Baby, won't you come to my party... ♪