Original subtitles

[ muffled, discordant notes play]

Huh?

I choose to not understand these signs.

Aha!

Uh, B-Bender!

I-I was just not playing the holophonor!

Yeah? Well, you should try not stinking at it.

Well, I am trying.

I've been taking lessons.

Lessons? That's rich!

Isn't it time you gave up all hope

of ever improving yourself in any way?

I know I should, but I just can't.

Remember when I had those stomach worms that made me smart?

I could play the holophonor, and it made Leela like me.

Hey, Bender, as long as you know

I have a holophonor recital Tuesday

and I'd really like to have somebody there.

Please?

Fine, I'll go already.

You know, sometimes I wish your real parents were still alive.

Not often, though.

Mmm...

BOTH: Whoa, whoa.

Hey!

[ groans]

[ indistinct chatter]

Uh, hello, Mrs. Mellinger.

Hello, Philip.

And you must be Mr. Bender.

Philip's told me so much about you.

Is it true that you're a robot?

I prefer the term "lovemachine."

[ purrs]

[ playing "Fur Elise" skillfully]

[ tone rings]

[ tone rings]

[ applause]

Wow, your kid is great.

How hard did you say you had to hit him?

Fairly hard.

[ chair squeaks]

[ clears throat]: "The Grumpy Snail."

[ playing simple melody]

[ flat note]

[ growls]Sorry.

[ playing discordantly][ snail choking]

[ growling]

[ gasping]

[ screaming]

It's toogrumpy![ playing discordantly]

Ooh! Hey!

[ audience booing]

Whoo!

Mr. Bender, I simply cannot teach your child!

Then good day, Madame!

[ slams door]

We hope to see you soon for tea.

[ slams door]

FRY: It's hopeless.

I can hear all this great music in my head

but my stupid hands can't keep up.

Aw, you know what always cheers me up?

Laughing at other people's misfortunes.

[ laughs]

Hey, guys, you missed a great delivery to Space Earth.

Where you been all afternoon?

At a-a concert.

Ooh, was it jazz noodling?

My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax.

I used to listen for hours

while he sat naked on my couch and improvised.

So, musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein, huh?

Yeah, it's weird-- Sean was uneducated, unambitious

he was pasty and hunched...

[ under breath]: Pretty boy.

...but when he played

I could sense this incredible, beautiful, creative soul.

Then one day, I found someone else's couch fibers on his butt.

[ angry muttering]

That could be my beautiful soul

sitting naked on her couch

if I could just learn to play this stupid thing.

Oh, but you can!

Though you may have to metaphorically

make a deal with the Devil.

And by "Devil," I mean Robot Devil.

And by "metaphorically," I mean get your coat.

[ all screaming]

[ band plays "Welcome to Robot Hell"]

[ groans]

You hit a sour note about 200 years back, Doug!

Let's take it from the top.

[ grunting]

Ah, Bender, Fry!

You've come back for more eternal damnation.

No, this isn't a religious visit.

Fry just wants holophonor lessons.

Yep. I need to get really good without practicing.

[ fiendish laughter]

Hell is full of 10-year-olds

who wanted exactly the same thing!

Trouble is, you have what my old music teacher

Mrs. Mellinger, calls "Stupid Fingers."

With hands like that

you'll be lucky to master a belt buckle.

Now, wouldn't it be nice if you had a pair of robot hands

to replace them?

Sure would.

Oh, well. Good-bye.

Fry, you smelly idiot!

I think he's willing to make some kind

of a deal with the Devil with you.

He-He is? Great!

Wait-- what's the catch?

No catch.

I'll merely pick a robot at random

from somewhere in the universe--

probably one you've never even met--

and then I'll remove his hands

and switch them for yours.

It's just the sort of guy I am.

What do you say?

Um, I don't know.

It doesn't seem entirely moral to...

Fry, if you don't take this offer right now

I will lose all respect for you and punch you.

[ fiendish chuckle]

Well... all right.

You're sure I probably won't know him?

Definitely probably not.

Just sign this contract...

Wow.

[ pen squeaking]

And here we go!

[ cackling]

I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exam-Bot!

[ screams]

"Robot Devil?"

I get yourhands? 'Zam!

Oh, what an appallingly ironic outcome!

It's not ironic. It's just coincidental.

Now fork over those ladyfingers, cookie.

[ sighs]

You know, I only put my name on there

as a show of good faith for the other robots.

Stop being such a baby and chop my hands off.

Oh, very well.

How'd you do that?

They're very good hands.

At last!

At last I have the power to make Leela love me.

[ gagging]

Oh, sorry. That'll wear off in a couple of days.

[ choking]

Check it out, everyone.

I'm back from Hell

and I've got the Robot Devil's hands.

Neat! Let's see a trick.

All righty.

[ startled yelling]

[ yelling gibberish]

Somebody called the Robot Devil's here

to see somebody called Fry.

Uh-oh.

Where'd I go just now?

Hello, Fry.

[ fiendish laughter]

Just dropped by to make sure

you're as happy with our little deal as I am.

Oh... give me back my hands!

These things are always touching me in places.

[ sniggering]

Yeah, they get around.

But I'm afraid we had a deal.

Oh! Looks like I wasted a bus trip.

Yes, you did.

[ playing "The Grumpy Snail"]

[ playing "Fur Elise"]

[ pained yelp]

[ orchestra playing "Bolero"]

[ cheering]

Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso Philip Fry

play 900 of these classic themes in your own home

on this two-record set.

That's over 30 minutes of music for only $14.99.

Only $14.99 for a two-record set.

Two records!

Oh, Zoidberg, at last you're becoming a crafty consumer.

MAN: Hello.

Hello? I'll take eight.

[ doorbell ringing]

A Mr. Hedonismbot to see you.

Uh, show him in.

Very good, sir.

Ah, Fry, congratulations.

Your latest performance was as delectable

as dipping my bottom over and over

into a bath of the silkiest oils and creams.

Thank you, sir.

That's exactly what I was going for.

You are the sole diversion

in what has been a pale and un-amusing season.

And so, I would fain commission you write an opera.

But I've never written an opera.

And I've never heard one.

Still, if you can keep me amused through the overture

I shall consider it a smashing success.

But I wouldn't even know what to write about.

Unless...

[ slurping]

Okay, I'll do it

ifI can make it about Leela.

Me? Really?

A man writing an opera about a woman?

[ airy laughter]

Oh, sirrah, how deliciously absurd.

I shall see you at the premiere.

[ more airy laughter]

[ ethereal, echoing, alto sax-type riffs]

Is it part of the opera?

Leela! You shouldn't be listening.

I don't want you to hear it till it's done.

But it's so beautiful.

So is a peacock

but you don't eat it until it's cooked.

This has to be perfect.

I want you to hear exactly what I hear

when I think about you.

Oh, Fry, all this time you've had this incredible gift

and I never knew.

I've been a fool-- a fully justified, prudent fool.

[ screeches]

They're so cold!

ROBOT DEVIL: And yet Hell is so hot!

[ fiendish laughter]

Can I have my hands back now?

No!

You're not nice!

[ tuneless humming]

Hey!

Ah, Bender, this is a surprise...

for you, finding me in the refrigerator.

True, but at least I don't have the hiccups anymore.

What up?

Oh, well, it so happens

I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.

Forget it. you can't tempt me.

Really?

There's nothingyou want?

Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.

Well, I suppose I've always wondered

what it would be like to be more annoying.

[ laughing]: Oh...

nothing simpler.

And all I ask in return is your hands

to replace these bony hot dogs.

Grabby and Squeezy?

Never. I love these guys.

Oh! Well, is there anything else you would part with?

No, nothing, ain't going to happen.

Yes! With this built-in stadium air horn

I can reallyannoy people

and all it cost me was my crotch plate.

You certainly are a shrewd businessman, Bender.

Now, find someone and give them a good blast.

Yeah, that will teach the first person I see a lesson.

[ door opens]

Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan

is one quarter complete.

[ fiendish laughter]

Well, Fry's opera premieres tomorrow night.

I'm off to find a pair of formal gloves

that will fit over my enormous forearms.

[ air horn blasting]

[ laughing]

Pretty annoying, huh, Leela?

What? Are you talking?

Oh, God, I'm deaf!

Oops. I'm so, so sorry, Leela.

I just wanted to annoy you.

What? Oh, this is horrible!

I won't be able to hear Fry's opera!

[ sobbing]

Ah, how delightfully ironic.

It's not ironic.

It's just mean.

Take this!

[ air horn blast fizzles out]

Ooh, out of aerosol.

Also ironic.

Oh, yeah?

Well, bite my shiny metal...

Oh, no!!!

.

.

Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf.

If he found out I couldn't hear his opera

it'd break his heart.

Okay, deaf-o.

[ whirring]

Courtesans and gentlefops

I bid you welcome to myopera.

Let us cavort like the Greeks of old.

You know the ones I mean.

[ orchestra tuning up]

[ baton tapping stand]

[ audience gasping]

[ applause and cheers]

Yay, Fry.

I watch TV with that guy.

[ orchestra plays]

[ wind instrument solo]

♪ Who is this one-eyed female baby Moses? ♪

♪ With courage in her female baby smile? ♪

♪ A savior from the stars♪

♪ Or something stranger still?♪

♪ Or just a lonely, filthy, starving child? ♪

Amy, Fry's looking at me.

What am I supposed to be feeling?

Ah!

♪ Leela! ♪

♪ Leela, Leela! ♪

♪ Save him! ♪

♪ Save Fry, save Fry! ♪

♪ Godzilla will devour him ♪

♪ As for me, I must be off ♪

♪ To have my doctor check this cough ♪

[ coughing]

♪ Good-bye! ♪

I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla

but that is so what I would have done.

Oh, it was a lovely show.

[ crowd chatting]

[ laughing]

One diet double Martini, please.

And for you, sir?

I'll just have a Shirley Hemphill.

Extra, extra!

World's greatest opera only half over!

Half over?

Oh!

I'd give anything to hear the rest.

Anything?

[ gasps]

[ glass breaking]

Thank you, sir.

Now, as I was saying...

Anything?

Because I can give you newrobotic ears.

What?

You can give me new ears?

Wait.

What seemingly reasonable thing do you want in return?

Just your hands, my dear.

Whatever you said, forget it!

All right, then.

Just one hand.

Just... my left hand?

Um... uh...

USHER: Please take your seats for Act Two.

HEDONISMBOT: But I'm not done vomiting!

[ airy laugh]

Oh, Daddy, I love...

I can't stand it!

[ deep breath]

Okay, you can have my hand.

Wonderful!

Just sign here.

Calculon, old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.

Well, I do owe you for giving me this unholy...

acting talent!

[ ethereal music plays]

I can hear!

I can hear like a safecracker.

Hey, aren't you going to take my hand?

In good time. You go enjoy the opera.

[ music plays]

♪ To win Leela's heart with the holophonor's art ♪

♪ I need hands of transcendental quickness ♪

♪ Well, I don't see any danger ♪

♪ In gambling with a stranger ♪

♪ For my head is of a most amazing thickness. ♪

Ooh!

[ laughter]

[ angry groan]

♪ I'm stupid, I'm stupid ♪

♪ I'm stupider than you ♪

♪ I'm stupider than you in every way! ♪

Stupider?

Bah!

This opera is as lousy as it is brilliant.

[ groans][ pained grunt]

[ gasping]

[ whimpers]

Your lyrics lack subtlety.

You can't just

have your characters announce how they feel.

That makes me feel angry.

Look, what do you want?

♪ I want my hands back. ♪

[ fiendish laughter]

Never!

♪ A deal's a deal ♪

♪ Even with a dirty dealer ♪

♪ Very well ♪

♪ Then I'll take what I want from Leela. ♪

Whoa!

♪ Leela has promised me her hand ♪

[ all gasping]

♪ Fry, you do not understand! ♪

♪ I should have revealed ♪

♪ I'd been deafened by Bender ♪

♪ The shame ♪

♪ The shame! ♪

♪ But I feared you'd stop writing ♪

♪ This musical splendor ♪

♪ Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender ♪

♪ He gave me mechanical ears ♪

♪ Effective, though just a bit garish ♪

♪ In return without shedding a tear ♪

♪ I agreed that I'd give him my hand ♪

♪ In marriage! ♪

Huh?What?

♪ You'll give me your hand in marriage ♪

♪ Is this really happening ♪

♪ Or just being staged? ♪

♪ It can't be real ♪

♪ Not if Leela is engaged ♪

♪ That isn't what I meant ♪

♪ That isn't what I signed ♪

♪ You should have checked the wording ♪

♪ In the fine... ♪

♪ Print ♪

"I'll give you my hand... "

♪ In marriage! ♪

♪ The use of words expressing something other ♪

♪ Than their literal intention ♪

♪ Now that is irony ♪

[ gasping and grunting]

♪ I will marry her now and confine her to Hell ♪

♪ How droll! ♪

♪ How droll! ♪

[ grunts]

♪ Where Styx is a river and not just a band ♪

♪ Though they'll play our reception ♪

♪ If all goes as planned ♪

♪ Unless Fry-- you surrender myhands! ♪

[ dramatic orchestral crescendo]

[ quiet string and percussion solo]

♪ Destiny has cheated me ♪

♪ By forcing me to decide upon ♪

♪ The woman that I idolize ♪

♪ Or the hands of an automaton ♪

♪ Without these hands I can't complete ♪

♪ The opera that was captivating her ♪

♪ But if keep them, and she marries him ♪

♪ Then he probably won't want me dating her. ♪

[ applause and cheering]Arooo!

Brave-o!

En-core!

♪ I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving ♪

♪ I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing. ♪

Oh. Ugh.

♪ By the power vested in me ♪

♪ By the state of New New York... ♪

No! Stop!

Take my hands

♪ You evil... metal... dork! ♪

[ sobbing]

[ fiendish laughter]

[ gasps]

Surgery in an opera?

How wonderfully decadent!

And just as I was beginning to lose interest.

Jambi, the chocolate icing!

Oh!

Oh, my, yes!

[ giggling]

Ooh.

My hands!

My horrible human hands!

[ gasps]

And what did you do to my nails?

I cleaned them.

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's my poker night

and I feel lucky.

[ giggling]

So it's back to Hell for me!

Come on, Nixon.

Huh?

[ muttering]

[ Robot Devil chuckling]

Less reality, more fantasy!

Resume the opera!

But I can't play anymore!

Yes, you can!

The beauty was in your heart

not your hands.

[ plays discordant notes]

[ booing]

Your music's bad, and you should feel bad.

[ booing]

[ grunting]

Ah, ooh!

Whoa. Aah! Hey!

Whoa-oh!

Extra, extra!

Greatest opera of all time sucks!

I'll take eight.

[ footsteps echoing]

LEELA: Please don't stop playing, Fry.

I want to hear how it ends.

[ playing simple melody]