Original subtitles

FARNSWORTH: Oh, Lordy Lou! Help!

Ooh! Ah!

( shouting ): I know you've rejected me a lot before

but frankly, I wasn't sure

we were right for each other, either.

But now I am, so how about a date tonight?

Sorry, I think I, uh, I think I left my toaster on.

FARNSWORTH: Buddha! Zeus!

God! One of you guys do something!

Come on, Leela.

What's the real reason you won't go out with me?

Help, Satan, you owe me!

Look, um, I'm embarrassed to admit this

but you've forced me to.

I can't go out tonight because...

( yelling stops )

I have sweaty boot rash!

No spluh. Why do you think

I'm sitting over here in the stink-free zone?

( laughs )

So, will you go out with me?

Good news, everyone.

I'm still technically alive. Yes.

But I need you to dispose of this crazy-ass experiment

that almost killed me.

You'll have to throw it into the sun itself

for only the thermonuclear inferno of the sun

has enough energy to ensure its total destruction.

I could hit it with a shovel.

That's not good enough.

This one time, I pounded a guy

into the ground like a stake with a shovel.

Yes, yes.

So what's in the box already?

No peeking!

( gasping )

I don't know what's in there

but I'm sure

our minds would be unable to comprehend it.

Oh! You hurt my collator!

I don't care.

Listen well.

No matter what happens

no matter how great your curiosity

you are forbidden to look in this box.

Forbidden!

Pretty tantalizing, though.

FRYE: Whatever's in there

it's the only thing I've ever wanted.

In my experience, boxes are usually empty

or maybe with a little cheese stuck to the top

and one time, pepperoni.

What a day that was!

( warbling scream )

Give me the box!

Scram, you lousy green snakes!

( all yelling )

Here, Leela, take this

and use it to shoot those guys.

Right.

If they try to look in the box.

Whatever.

Let's just forget about the box.

The Professor said to stay away.

Fry, how can you be so naive?

He was joking. Get it?

No.

That's what makes it so funny.

( laughs )

Okay, he wasn't joking.

Now shut up and follow me.

( hissing )

FRY: Oh, it's hot.

The cream cheese in my pocket is melting.

( whirring )

( whirring )

( snoring )

( chuckles )

( whirring )

We thank you, Bender

for the gift we're about to receive.

( both gasp )

Tangled-up Christmas lights.

We can take shifts untangling them.

And unlabeled booze.

Wide mouth, too.

( grunting )

That ought to keep those dopes occupied.

I can guard the real box in peace

now that no one's curious about it.

( humming )

( forced humming )

Well, I got through the night and no one looked in the box--

not even me, the person who gave up her whole evening

to watch it.

A whole evening of TV gone.

What a mockery of justice

that I can't take even a little tiny peek.

( sighs )

I need coffee.

Okay, heads-- I look.

Tails-- I don't.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Heads!

I mean, all right, then.

No. I have a duty not to look.

Then again, I promised the coin I would.

Oh, it's deep.

Deeper than a small box should be.

( yells )

( grunts )

Ouch! My lawyer will hear about this.

( door opens )

FRY: Leela, what have you done?

Nothing.

What do you mean, why was I looking in the box?

I meant you hair. It's all differenty.

Bender, is that you?

You know it. Large and in charge.

Leela? Oh...

There's a woman for you.

Always dyeing her hair

instead of not looking in a box.

I didn't dye my hair.

This is how I always look.

No, that's how you always look.

( both gasp )

This throws my entire perception of reality into question.

Clone, robot or long-lost twin?

Taking all bets.

I also offer video poker.

It's some guy wearing a Leela costume.

Get him.

Hold it.

You have this all wrong.

I just fell into the box

and then I fell out somehow.

You shut up, sir.

No, wait. I've got it.

I know what's in the box.

Oh, I've been as dumb as Fry.

Am not.

It contains a parallel universe

and when you create

a parallel universe, it's almost always populated by evil twins.

Now look, I am not evil.

My loan officer said so.

Oh, you'd like us to believe that

wouldn't you, Leela?

Or should I say, Evilla?!

Aw, this is awful.

Somewhere there's a more evil Bender than me.

I do my best, damn it!

Leela-- the good Leela--

I want you to snoop

around the other universe

and find out how evil they are.

Here.

I tell you, they're not evil

but don't be confused-- they are jerks.

( grunts )

ZOIDBERG: Hello.

( martial arts yell )

Come out of your universe with your hands up.

Oh, wow, it's like that drug trip

I saw in that movie

when I was on that drug trip.

Astonishing!

I must have created a parallel universe.

Baldercrap!

I created your universe.

All you created was my fist parallel to your face.

Ow.

Look, it doesn't matter who created what.

The important thing is...

( martial arts yell )

...we're exactly the same.

I know all her moves.

Therefore, I've got the upper hand.

BOTH: Ow!

Now, now, perfectly symmetrical violence

never solved anything.

Let's recap what's happened so far.

As you can see, I accidentally created

a box containing your universe.

While I, in a simultaneous blunder

created a box containing your universe.

This is getting confusing.

Why don't we call our universe "Universe A"

and this universe "Universe B"?

Hey, why can't we be "Universe A"?

Yeah!

Yeah! It's the best letter!

We called it first.

Besides, this place kind of feels

like a "B," you know?

All right, you can be crummy "Universe A"

and we'll be "Universe One."

Or "The Mongooses."

That's a cool team name.

"The Fighting Mongooses."

Wait a second.

If everyone is identical

why did our Leela look into the box

and your Leela didn't?

Well, to be honest, I tossed a coin.

It came up tails, so I didn't look.

That's weird.

Mine came up heads, so I did.

Interesting.

Apparently, the key difference between our universes

is that coin flips have opposite outcomes.

That explains Fruity here.

I tossed a coin to pick my finish.

Foghat Gray.

Hey, bite my glorious golden ass.

You people and your slight differences disgust me.

I'm going home.

Where's that blue box with our universe in it?

Oh, you'd like to get back

to your evil universe, wouldn't you

and destroy your box with our universe inside it?

Nonsense.

I would never do such a thing

unless you were already having been going to do that.

Wha...?

You heard me.

In any case, I've hidden the box

and it will remain hidden

until I'm convinced you're not evil.

Everyone, keep an eye on your evil counterpart.

And you all do the same.

Um, can Fry and I watch our parallel selves together?

We have plans tonight.

You guys are dating?

Oh, no, no.

We're married.

I got my eye on you, boy.

Don't even think about it, lunch pail.

You'd be dead before you hit the ground.

Good point.

What do you say we just hit a strip joint?

I was waiting for one of us to say that.

( both cheering )

Bender A, you're a prince among robots.

Can you forgive me for distrusting you?

Aw, I can't stay mad at what is essentially me.

I love me.

( both chuckling )

This is so great!

I always wanted an imaginary friend.

I'm not imaginary; I'm parallel.

We're exactly the same, right down to the...

Splech! Is that pink nail polish?

Is that not pink nail polish?

The Professor's right-- you a evil...

and shallow.

I am not evil.

So, Fry, Leela, how'd you two get together?

Funny story.

I asked Leela out a million times

but she just kept rejecting me.

I'd make up stuff like "I have sweaty boot rash"

or "I have to meet the President."

( chuckling )

Oh, man, you never heard such excuses

but, like a dope, I believed her.

Looking back on it now, it's kind of funny.

It sure is.

Right, Leela?

Funny. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Then one night, when Fry asked me out

the only excuse I could think of involved ghosts.

I knew he wouldn't buy it.

So, I did what I always do in those situations.

Oh, Lord.

I flipped a coin.

It came up heads and we went out.

You mean, you flipped a coin, too

and it was tails?

So, that's why you said you had to meet that ghost.

You really missed out on something, Leela.

That date was magical.

One year later, I gave Leela a diamond scrunchy

and we were married.

Ooh...

One year later, I got beat up at a Neil Diamond concert

by a guy named Scrunchy.

( grunting )

( grunting )

( grunting )

( grunting )

Well, that was pointless.

Say, I hope you won't think it "evil" of me

to ask how you got that stylish head wound.

Oh, this old thing?

I was experimenting to see if I could remove my own brain.

Of course.

I had the same idea.

I flipped a coin to decide if I should proceed

but it came up tails.

So, I didn't.

How'd it go?

Well, getting the brain out was the easy part.

The hard part was getting the brain out.

( crazy laughter )

( chuckling ): Oh, you.

( flies buzzing )

So, tell me about yourself.

Well, don't look into it

but I'm a respected internal medicine doctor.

Ooh, a can!

( slurping loudly )

As for me, I design mansions

then live in them.

( sobbing ): I'm lying.

I'm an appalling failure.

( sobbing ): Me, too.

A big fat one.

And those coworkers--

always looking down on us Zoidbergs.

What are they, from Nob Hill?

They're all alike--

"Stop spraying me with ink, Zoidberg.

"Put on pants, Zoidberg.

Don't touch our fancy box, Zoidberg."

Ooh, that box!

Too good for us, is it?

Bah! Someday they'll watch

from down in the gutter, they will

as King Zoidberg caresses their fancy box.

You know, maybe a certain blue lobster saw

where Professor hid the box.

( chuckling deviously )

( chuckling )

Good news, everyones.

After carefully reading the Scriptures

we've concluded that none of us are evil.

Yes, the Bible is the real "good news."

Anyhow, you're all free to go back to your own universe.

What's going on here?

Why aren't you all out destroying the Professor's box?

Hermes, aren't you curious

about the fact that there's two of everybody?

No. Now, like my Granny used to say

back in her tarpaper shack on Montego Bay--

"If you want a box hurled into the Sun

you got to do it yourself."

Your granny can go to hell.

I've hidden the box so no one can destroy

the home universe of my handsome friend, here.

Oh, go on.

Wait a second.

If your Hermes was

about to destroy the box containing our universe...

Then your Hermes...

Oh, my.

ANNOUNCER: And sure enough...

( Hermes humming )

Like Granny said

"If you want a box hurled into the Sun

you got to do it yourself."

God rest her zombie bones.

LEELA B: So we go back through the box and stop Hermes.

Right. Good thing Professor B there

hid it in the coelacanth tank.

No one but a crazy lobster would look there.

It's gone!

( radio static )

All hail Zoidberg

the king with the box.

( loud smooching )

Now it's my turn maybe?

The box says no.

ANNOUNCER: Meanwhile, in Universe A

Hermes A heads toward the sun... A.

"Item one: box."

Check.

"Item two: sun."

( sizzling )

That's a big check.

If I know parallel Hermes, he's at the sun by now.

Our universe is doomed!

Dooooomed! Dooooomed!

Now, don't give up yet, you crybabies.

The box is gone, but we still have

one preposterously slim hope.

Is it a kind of hair spray?

No! We must attempt to make

another box containing our universe. Doy.

( electronic buzzing and zapping )

( Professors yelling )

Well

is that your universes in there?

Nope. Too cold.

Hmm. All women.

I'll put this one aside for later.

( Leela screaming )

Oh, mon, it's hopeless.

We'll never find your universe in time.

Plus, this box is stuck on my fat head.

Yes, it's the Apocalypse, all right.

I always thought I'd have a hand in it.

I'm not sad...

because I finally found someone as great as me.

It's like I always say:

"Make new friends, but keep the old.

One is silver..."

( voice breaking ): "And the other's gold."

( loud clunk )

( both sobbing )

Why with the long faces?

( gasps ): The idiots have the box!

I think she means you.

Grab them!

( Zoidbergs whimpering )

You coward! Wait for me!

Blug! Which one did they go into?

Oh, let's all ask each other!

That'll solve this problem!

We'll each have to search a universe.

Everyone grab a length of wire first

so you can find your way back.

Woo-woo! Woo-woo!

Hello?

Did you see two smelly lobsters?

We didn't see anything...

ever.

Yo, uh, did two shellfish in scrubs go by?

Hell, no. Shut up.

Beat it, jerk!

Uh, have you robot versions of you guys

seen any extra Zoidbergs around here?

( mechanically ): Negative. Will you go out with me?

Uh, access denied.

( chalk squeaking )

Hey, pal, look what I snagged from the leprechaun universe.

Yeah, leprechaun universe is fine...

if you haven't seen pirate universe.

( gasps ): Faith and begorra!

Que?

Quick! Into another box!

There aren't any in this universe, there aren't.

Hey, you, what with the no boxes?

Baby, they're somewhere.

Everything's, like, somewhere.

Place is kind of au naturel right now.

There they are!

( both gasp )

Gotcha!

Dig it, all of you fitting in this box

is, like, seriously freaked up.

Nonsense! Why, there's a whole universe in there.

Dude, there's a universe in all of us.

Right on, Professor Freaksworth!

Get a job!

We've got the box!

Everyone pull your wires!

( grunting and gasping )

( all yelling )

Hurry! Back to Universe A!

( grunting )

( all grunting )

Hermes! Don't press that button!

Okay.

Bye, Leela. Bye-bye. So long.

So long, Your Majesty.

There but for the flip of a coin go we.

So, um, Leela, seeing how the universe wasn't destroyed

uh, you want to catch an ape fight?

You know, together?

Well... I guess you deserve one more flip.

So? Heads or tails?

You know, let's just say it's heads.

Ready?

BOTH PROFESSORS: One, two, three... pull!

There.

That space-time eversion

has given us their box, and vice versa.

So what you think you just explained to us is that...

Correct! This box contains our own universe!

( all gasp )

Sweet honeybee of infinity!

( people grunting and gasping )

Bender, quit destroying the universe.

But... Oh!

Yes, all that is and ever shall be is in that box.

And the box itself is probably worth something, too.

We must cherish it

as we cherish every moment of our lives.

( rumbling )

( sighs )