Original subtitles

[ humming]

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

Whoa! Ah!

Shman! The great rad spot

is mega-sweet for party-boarding!

Indeed.

Any calls while I was out?

Yeah.

You got a telesonic transmission from Kif a couple hours ago.

[ gasps]

My Kiffy called?

Kif?

Ooh, Amy, you're back!

Another hour and I would have thought about hanging up.

Why didn't you just leave a message, sweetie?

Well, um, I've left hundreds of messages

with your answering machine

but you... never seem to get them.

Bender!

It's not my fault if you don't check me.

[ babbling]

Messages erased.

Oh, dearest, this long distance relationship

is too much to bare.

When even an inch separates us, I quiver with misery.

So you can imagine how I feel when it's a billion light-years.

[ crying]

Kif, don't cry, or you'll get a tummy ache.

Lieutenant, some things came off me

and clogged the drain

so if you could... Oh-ho!

What's this?

[ beep]

Well, well, well.

Do my eyes believe me

or it that my bosomy swan, Leela?

Say again? You're breaking up.

Oh!

Good news, everyone!

You'll be delivering pain medicine

to the Hive Mind of Nigel Seven.

Scruffy's rolling out a large pill.

You're going to Nigel 7?

Kif's on patrol near there.

You could drop me off on the way.

We could, but we won't!

It's a spaceship, damn it, not a prom limousine.

Ooh! If anyone needs me, I'll be in the angry dome.

[ grumbling]

[ grumbling and mumbling]

LEELA: This is a very long trip

so we'll all have to go into hibernative naptosis

to save oxygen.

Aw, I don't even breathe... oxygen.

[ snoring]

Here I come, Kif.

[ laughing]

[ laughing]

They jumped right out of their pants.

[ alarm sounds]

Oh, what now?

Activate glass window.

[ gasps]

Kif, I'm sensing a very

sensual disturbance in the force.

Prepare for ship-to-ship intimacy.

Yes, sir, Captain.

[ snoring]

[ loud clang]

[ screeching]

[ shrieks]

How about I help you finish that dream

you were having about me?

Okay. I was just at this part.

[ battle cry]

[ groans]

Oh... eh... let's try that

a little lower and a lot softer.

Imagine you stowing away

and stealing a licensed starship!

Oh, it's so romantic, it gives me the shivers!

[ shivering]

I don't care how much trouble I get in.

I needed to feel my lips pressed against your lipless beak.

Oh, Amy, I can't stand having a whole universe between us.

I've been thinking a lot about this

and, well, would you move in with me?

Here? But, uh...

wouldn't it be crowded?

Well, no, no.

It's really twice the size.

You can use the floor, and I'll have the ceiling.

See?

[ giggles]

Kif, you have so much creativity and niceness

but I'm not sure if I...

Hush. Before you answer, come thither.

KIF: This is the Holo-Shed.

It can simulate anything you desire

and nothing can hurt you

except when it malfunctions

and the holograms become real.

Well, that probably won't happen this time.

I wanted to show you

what life could be like if we were together.

Computer, run program "Kif One."

[ whirring]

[ gasps]

This is so beautiful!

Spirit!

Kif, that's the pony I always wanted

but my parents said

I had too many ponies already.

Yes, I programmed it in for you.

Four million lines of BASIC.

And-and if this isn't the life you want

how about this?

Run program "Kif Two."

[ whirring]

Oh, Kif!

We could live here at the shore of the Tranquilibrius Sea

in a time-share.

And I would pluck the moon from the sky

just to see you smile.

[ grunting]

Almost got it.

It seems to be sort of stuck.

[ groaning]

I love you!

[ gurgling]

Ooh!

[ coughing]

Run program "Kif colon slash slash three."

[ whirring]

[ wind blowing]

AMY: This isn't bad.

My aunt had a place like this.

Amy, we could live in a bus station bathroom for all I care.

As long as we're together, it'll feel like a castle to me.

Kif, I'd love to live with you... someday.

But before then, there's still lots

I want to do on my own.

[ creaking and static]

What was that?

Oh, dear. I fear the Holo-Shed might be broken again.

Well, as long as we don't cross paths with Attila the...

[ Attila roars]

[ Kif sighs]

AMY: Look... Spirit!

[ loud, horrific neighing]

KIF: And there's Professor Moriarty.

Jack the Ripper.

Evil Lincoln.

[ evil laughter]

Right-o, gents.

It's another simulation gone mad, so murder and mayhem.

Standard procedure.

[ wild yelling]

Real holographic simulated evil Lincoln is back!

[ grunts]

[ gasps][ alarm blaring]

[ Amy whimpering]

The Holo-Shed's on the fritz again.

The characters turned real!

Damn! The last time that happened

I got slapped with three paternity suits.

[ fierce neighing]

Oh, my God!I want Daddy!

Listen up, history's greatest villains.

Get back into the Holo-Shed before I start blasting

Stop!

No shoot fire-stick in space canoe!

Cause explosive decompression!

Spare me your space-age techno-babble, Attila the Hun.

[ zapping]

[ screaming]

[ screaming]

Hey...!

Kif, hold on!

I totally want to!

[ gasps]

[ grunting and groaning]

[ yells]

Grab on!

Over here!

Please hold me. Oh, dear.

Have a good one.

[ screaming]

Ow! Oh...

[ grunts and groans]

Aw, man!

Whew! After all that, I could use some relaxation.

I'll be in the Holo-Shed.

[ whirring]

Well, except for a few broken bones

some internal hemorrhaging

and a partially barfed-up heart

everyone appears fine.

ALL: Whew!

Oh, and Kif is pregnant.

[ gasps]

[ all gasping]

Oh, joy!

Amy, isn't it wonderful?

I'm pregnant.

Yes... it's great.

A great miracle.

And not one of those bogus everyday miracles

like a sunrise.

Aren't you a male?

Yeah, what's the deal?

Just when I thought

I figured out you biological creatures

it's something else!

Let me at him!

I'm going to take...

[ Bender grunting]

Look, I'm sure we're all

a little unclear on how anyone gets pregnant

so, Kif, pray explain

and don't spare the dirty words where appropriate.

Well, it's quite simple, really.

When one of my species

experiences deep feelings of love

we enter a so-called "receptive state."

You disgust me. Go on.

At that point

our skin becomes a semi-permeable membrane

which allows the passage of genetic material.

I held Amy's hand, and voila.

Well, okay, but that better be all there is.

Oh, Amy, you'll be a mother!

What a wondrous affirmation of our love

and all from the touch of your hand.

[ giggling]

Dude, hold up.

Remember when Zapp blew a hole in the ship?

Indeed.

FRY: Kif touched everybody there.

Couldn't any one of us be the mother?

Hey, yeah!

I mean, what about that, Kif?

Well, I suppose I might have gotten pregnant that way

or even from a toilet seat

though that's impossible since I have a private washroom.

[ toilet flushes]

Ah, my home away from home.

By the way, Kif

your flush seems to be set on "stun" not "kill."

[ nervous stuttering]

Look, Kif, I probably am the mother

although maybe I'm not.

Of course, I hope I am

but just in case I'm not, maybe we should have a test.

A test!

I demand a test!

Even I laughed at me

when I built this alien cross-species genetic analyzer

but I guess I showed myself.

Subjects, please enter the chamber.

Now to take a DNA sample.

[ inhales deeply]

When I pull this switch

the maternifuge will spin at 10,000 RPM

separating out everyone who isn't the mother...

father... whatever.

[ all screaming]

Faster, faster!

Good! Fry's ejection indicates that he is not the man-mama.

[ grunting]

Nor is Captain Brannigan.

Oh, thank you, merciful God.

[ grunts]

Zoidberg? What the hell were you doing in there?

That's where I live.

I have no home.

[ scream]

Amy? But that means...

Leela must have impregnated me

when she grabbed my ungloved hand.

That explains the poster in hygiene class--

"No glove, no love."

Wow, this is all so confusing.

Leela, how could you?

Our love has had to endure your constant hatred

and now this?

Stop testing our love!

Oh, please, Captain.

I thank Leela for the DNA she gave me

but in my species

the true parent is the one

who inspired the initial feeling of love.

We call that person the smizmar

and my smizmar is Amy.

So the toilet seat is like the uncle or something?

Sorry I got your boyfriend pregnant.

That's okay.

At least Kif's baby shower should be fun.

I better put it on my calendar.

Thursday, baby shower. Enter.

Might as well plan for my new life while I'm at it.

Set motherhood mode.

To motherhood.

[ chugging noises]

Mom, Dad, I know this is weird, but...

Yeah, yeah, we don't care how squishy alien get pregnant.

All we care is that we have grandchild now.

You're very open-minded, Mrs. Wong.

Hey, you call her Grandma now.

Call me Grandma like crazy.

All the time.

Check it out, y'all.

Everyone we invited is here...

Also Zoidberg!

...so let's open the gifts!

[ cheering]

We'll start with this one from Bender.

It's my booties from when I was a kid.

Uh, they're already bronzed.

They arebronze.

And this one's from Leela.

Oh, I just love the bow.

I wonder what it is.

Yes, I wonder what wegot you.

[ grunts]

It's a basket.

For picnics?

It means a lot to me.

It's the basket my parents left me in

at the orphanarium.

You could use it for picnics.

Here, Amy.

We get this one for you.

Oh, is it a new party-board?

It's a board, all right.

An ironing board.

We had your old party-board converted

now that you not be partying anymore.

You-you trashed my party-board?

Damn right.

Now you a mom, the only surfing you do

is under a big wave of responsibility.

Oh, this is the happiest moment of my life.

You all brought such wonderful gifts

but the greatest gift...

Mine!

...is the bond

I share with my smizmar, Amy

for soon, the quivering mass of life within me

will depend upon us both.

Even now, I can sense it

feeding, squirming, searching, questing

and shortly, it will rend my loins in twain

burst forth and pull us down, down, down

into the deep, dark waters of commitment.

That's so beautiful.

[ sniffling]

Yes, it's... it's...

[ sobbing]

No, I can't do this!

[ all gasping]

[ infant-like crying]

Oh, how could Amy leave me?

When will women learn to take responsibility

for the children they've helped create?

[ gurgling]

The quickening!

My time is near!

I must return to my homeworld

to perform the ancient birthing rites.

Let me know how that turns out.

I must now embark on a perilous journey

to give birth in precisely the same swamp

in which I was born.

If it's so dangerous, I'd better go with you.

A gal has to protect her DNA.

No, Leela.

Tradition demands that

I make this journey with my smizmar

and since Amy isn't here, I must go it alone.

Farewell, for we may never meet again.

[ grunts]

My scrapes feel a little better now.

[ grunting]

Hey, what's this fat, ugly thing?

A frog, a toad, or yo' mama?

[ laughing]

[ muffled screaming]

It's a poisonous froad!

No one move.

[ inhaling deeply]

[ squeals]

I'm back, baby.

[ bubbling]

Behold...

the sacred ancestral birthing grounds of my family.

[ sniffing]

Smells like a jockstrap.

I am the Grand Midwife!

Hi.

I am Kif, of the clan Kroker

come to bear my young.

Then let the tea of new life be brewed.

As it is writ

"And both shall lift the jug together."

Where is your smizmar?

She is not with me.

Oh, the sorrow!

Oh, the shame!

I'm sorry. I'm probably just making you feel worse.

As long as Amy is with me in my heart

I will have the strength of two.

[ strained grunting]

Apparently Amy hasn't been working out much lately.

As the tea boils

please join hands with your beloved smizmar.

Oh, right.

Sorry, but I've memorized the ceremony by rote

and it mentions her a lot.

I'll try to endure.

Good, 'cause I'm not changing it.

Now turn, ye two

and gaze deeply into each other's eyes.

What are you looking at?

May the love I sense between you at this moment

remain with you both through all your days.

[ sobbing]

The tea of new life is ready.

Let those whose love created this life

speak each other's names, then drink.

[ quietly]: Amy.

AMY: Kif!

[ all gasping]

Amy, is it you or have I gone crazy with loneliness?

Both!

[ squeals]

I still don't know if I'm ready for this

but I do know I love you

and I want to be here beside you.

Great, now I lost my place.

I'm starting over.

Oh, no time.

It is begun.

[ pained moaning]

[ squishing noises]

Ew.

Neat!

You can do it, Kif.

[ moaning]

Ooh, nilly!

[ groaning]

[ liquid whoosh]

[ gasping]

Oh, man!

Amy, my love, tell me--

are they making it to the water?

Amy!

Shoo!

Stay away from my babies!

The birthing is complete.

[ cheering]

Oh, thank goodness.

I will now take my leave.

I live here, so I won't actually be going anywhere

but you don't have to talk to me anymore.

Congratulations!Nice work.

Way to go, squishy!

LEELA: There goes my DNA.

What a disgusting and beautiful process.

That's birth for you.

Well, we've given them a great start, Amy

and in 20 years they'll sprout legs

and crawl back onto land as children.

I'll be ready then.