Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

♪♪ [ Space Country Riff ]

- Yes? - Hi, Dad. It's me and my coworkers.

Open up, Leo. It's Amy and her weirdos.

Howdy, friends. Welcome to Mars.

Thanks so much for inviting us, Mr. Wong.

I've never been to a Mars Day barbecue.

Oh, Mars Day much better than Earth Day.

Dump trash wherever you want. Big, empty planet.

Okay, then. Make yourselves at home.

Don't mind if I already did. By the way,

do you have any more of this Dom Perignon bubble bath?

There was only enough to fill the tub halfway.

[ Both Grumble ]

This is quite a large ranch you have.

17.9 billion acres.

We own entire Western Hemisphere.

That the best hemisphere.It's the same on Earth.

[ Clattering ]

Here is most number one product of all-- the mighty buggalo.

They used for everything-- meat, milk, and the shells make good rowboat.

I broke your television.

Mon, it must take forever to brand all those cattle.

Not really. We own so much stuff,

it easier just to brand everything that not ours.

[ Hissing ]Please don't do that.

Hey! Betsy![ Clattering, Slurping ]

This is my sweet little Betsy.

I raised her from a larvae that ate one of my sweaters.

Yes, everybody love Betsy. We going to eat her at Amy's wedding--

if she ever get married.

Dad! Gleesh! Please don't say things like that...

when you meet my boyfriend tonight.

Ah, that right. We finally get to spend some time with this Mr. Kif.

I just hope he's a nice man who can make us lot of grandchildren.

This not some parallel universe where you getting any younger.

Now, remember, Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents.

Have sex with them and you're in.Actually, sir,

I'm-- I'm a little nervous about meeting her family.

That's natural. After all, you're meek and uninteresting.

Until now, you've gotten by on my leftover charisma,

scrounging off it like a tiny charisma parasite.

I just hope they like me.And why wouldn't they?

Yes, yes, I know-- tiny, meek, uninteresting.

Spare me your tedious life story, Kif.

And above all, have fun.

[ Chattering ]

Chicka-dan-dan! Get on down!

♪♪ [ Country ]

Oh, yeah. Drop another barnyard bomb on us, Vanilla Corn.

Yo, fool, it's Mixmaster Festus.

[ All Chattering ]

So what's Mars Day about, anyway?

It commemorate the day centuries ago...

when our ancestor, Sir Reginald Wong, bought Mars from stupid natives.

How can you call the native Martians stupid?

They sell whole planet for one bead. Sound stupid to me.

That is stupid!I can't believe you're laughing...

at the tragic exploitation of a proud, bead-loving people.

Lighten up, Leela. It's funny.

Of course it is. But you don't have to laugh.

Amy, no! Not on your parents' planet!

Howdy, Amy. Glad to see you've come back to the country.

It's where the flavor is.

R.J., this is my boyfriend, Kif.

This wimp? You've gone a long way, baby.

- Cigarette, pardner? - Oh, I don't--

[ Coughing ]

I haven't even lit it yet.Oh.

Is it lit now?Yep.

- [ Coughing ] - You're pathetic.

Host man, host woman, I'm having a wonderful time.

You here five hours and already you tear up couch,

draw mustache on priceless painting and fill pool with brine shrimp.

Not bad for a city boy, huh?

By the way, I took the liberty of fertilizing your caviar.

Um-- Um-- [ Stammering ]

Just relax. I'm sure my parents will love you.

You don't understand. When I get nervous,

I can't control my camouflage reflex.

Oh, dear. Oh, goodness. Oh, odds and bodkins.

I'll have a thorax and some feelers.

You want some salad with that?Yuck!

Mom, Dad, you remember Kif.

This your boyfriend? I have instant dislike of him.

He too scrawny to father grandchildren.

He's not scrawny. He's just small-boned.

Actually, I don't have bones.

I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that--

Yes, yes. You a big, squishy wuss.

Amy should be dating real man-- like him.

I can be manly too. I think I'll, uh,

light up a smoke.

Wrong way.

Smooth. [ Gasping ]

Look on the bright side.

My parents left after you passed out,

so they didn't even see you barf.

Oh, now they'll never think I'm manly enough to date their daughter.

[ Sobbing ]

It's okay, Kif. I'll go get you a tissue from your tote.

Hey, there, Amy. Like you to meet my buddy, Joe.

Sorry I'm late. My pool game ran long at the jazz club.

[ Chuckling ] Kids love him.

Hmm!

[ Droning ]

What's that weird sound?

Dust storm! Oh, dust storm!

Everybody into house! Hurry, before we die!

And wipe your damn feet!

[ Clattering ]

Whew! Everyone okay? No one considering lawsuit?

Mmm. I might have mental anguish.

I have you know I'm friends with every judge on planet.

- I'm okay, then. - Storm dying down.

Leo, check if buggalo herd is okay.

[ All Gasping ]Oh!

What happened to the buggalo?They been rustled under cover of storm.

We ruined!No-o-o!

Don't worry, Daddy. It'll be okay.

Oh, really? Who gonna save us?

One eye? Lobster mooch? Drunken garbage can?

This sounds like a job for--Lt. Kif Kroker.

All right, then.

Hi-ya! Those buggalo were what made Wong family so rich and powerful.

Oh, Inez, with them stolen, we ruined!Okay, I want a divorce.

Mom, Dad, don't ask me to choose!

They're not your parents, I'm not your sister...

and that's not your golf cart.

Aw![ Beeping ]

Everybody just calm down. Kif promised he'd catch the rustlers.

Mrs. Wong, do you have a neckerchief I could borrow?

My plan is to take all the remaining buggalo...

and lead them on a rough, tough cattle drive.

Then, when the rustlers attack, I'll make a citizen's arrest.

It sounds dangerous. Someone could get killed.

Fry, Leela, Bender, I want you to go with him.

[ All Grumbling ]

Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Wong.

I'll get your cattle back or die trying.

- Hey, we can't lose. - No, Kif. It's too risky.

- You don't have to do this to prove your manliness. - Oh, yes, he does.

Here are your mounts.

- She's got a fine coat. - Now, we need buggalo to lure the rustlers.

How many are left?You're looking at her.

Betsy's the only one left. She was curled up in my hamper when the storm hit.

Ooh! Oh!

Aw. She likes you!

Ooh! Ooh! Saddle up, men.

Oh! We got some no-good rustlers to-- ooh!-- catch.

♪ We gotta right to pick a little fight with rustlers ♪

♪ Somebody wants to pick a fight with us he better bite my ass ♪

Yee-haw!

Wow, look at that. Olympus Mons,

the tallest volcano in the solar system.

Where?Right in front of you.

[ Fry ] Oh! Oh!

We'll camp near the top. The rustlers will be sure to spot us there.

Where?

And even though the computer...

was off and unplugged,

an image stayed on the screen.

It was... the Windows logo!

- Pss! That's not scary. - It is if you're a laser printer.

Okay. My turn to tell a ghost story.

- Once there was this woman driving-- - Hook on the hand!

- Okay, I've got one. This family-- - Man in the attic!

Fine, Mr. Know-it-all- about-something-finally.

You tell a story.With pleasure.

Once, not far from here,

four people set out on a cattle drive.

Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! Sorry, go on.

And then, while they sat helplessly around the campfire,

a demented, knife-wielding, escaped-lunatic Libertarian zombie mutant snuck up and--

[ Amy ] Surprise![ Screams ] [ Gasping ]

- Amy, what are you doing here? - I forgot to give you something before you left.

Oh. What?

Is that your camouflage reflex...

or are you just happy to see me?

I love it out here, Amy. I feel so manly.

I have a blister. I-I spit.

A-And of course, I tell no one my feelings.

But you still have them, right?Oh, yes,

but I keep them inside until I can write them in my diary.

Ah. It's a wonderful night.

It sure is. I could just lie here beside you...

staring at the sky all night.

I can't.Ooh!

[ Rumbling ]

[ Gasps ] What's that?

Maybe we just made love.

The buggalo! They're in the crater!

The rustlers must have seen me coming and run off scared.

Oh, Kif, you're so brave.Shh! They'll hear us!

Okay, the dynamite's in place.

Are you sure there's no other way to get the buggalo out?

Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.

- Well, actually-- - Too late. This is more fun.

Kif, you did it!

But how did you know the dynamite would work?

I once took a seminar in ejecting chickens from a sand dune.

The principle's essentially the same.

[ Droning ]

Hey, it's that "barbecue's over" sound again.

Sandstorm!

[ All Shouting ]

[ All Grunting ]

We're in the eye of the storm!Where?

[ Buzzing ]What's that?

Oh, my God!Who are they?

Feh.We are the native Martians.

[ All Gasping ]

Also, I didn't know buggalo could fly.

Only those who revere Mother Mars can fly buggalo.

And only they shall have buggalo. And they're us.

But Your, um, Martian-ness.

These buggalo aren't yours. They belong to the Wong family.

You mean family that took all Martian land and gave us one lousy bead?

Uh-huh. Amy Wong. And you are?Mad at Wong family.

We plan to ruin them by stealing buggalo.

But now we take girl instead.

Wait! I'm too rich to be kidnapped!

Amy! No-o-o!

[ Sobbing ]

Don't worry, Kif. I'm sure some other...

beautiful, rich girl will fall in love with you.

[ Laughing ]

- Hooray! You bring back cattle! - Yes, but...

I'm afraid I've got some bad news as well.

Let Amy tell us. That way, it soften the blow.

- Why Amy being so quiet? - Um-- Well, um--

That is, um-- [ Droning ]

Oh, no! Martians kidnap Amy!

I know it them, 'cause they no use good grammar.

I'll get your daughter back, sir. I swear.

Forget it, Squishy. You the one lose her in first place.

You done enough.Yeah!

This time we get most decorated lawman in the whole universe.

You mean-- Oh, no, please. I beg you. Oh, for the love of--

I am the man with no name.

Zapp Branigan, at your service.[ Sighs ]

Please, Mr. Branigan, we need you go get our daughter back.

Very well. I'll clean up Kif's mess.

I shall go bargain with the Martians personally.

- [ Both Gasping ] - Your gasps intrigue me. Explain.

Martians have no land. They've been gently encouraged...

to live on reservation deep underground.

No one ever dare go there.

This mission is incredibly dangerous.

Someone's sure to be killed.

Fry, Leela, Bender--

Damn you, old man!

Aw, look. Betsy followed you, Kif.

I didn't realize you were bringing your girlfriend, Lieutenant.

[ Snickering ]Oh. She won't leave me alone.

Did I say "girlfriend"? She sounds more like a wife.

[ Wind Gusting ]

[ Branigan ] Behold, the Great Stone Face of Mars.

- Hmm. - The only known entrance to the Martian reservation.

What about the Great Stone Ass of Mars?

Well, yeah, but it's way on the other side of the planet.

Noseward, ho!

[ All Grumbling ]

[ Gasping ]

Feh!I am Singing Wind, Chief of the Martian tribe.

Take me to your leader.

Moving along. Why you trespass on our land?

We come to negotiate the release of Amy Wong.

And, just to clarify, land is the stuff that has sky over it.

They have such respect for the planet.

[ Sniffles ] Cynthia used to drink Slurm.

We will give back girl when we get back planet surface.

How do we even know she's alive?I'm fine.

Shh! You're weakening our bargaining position.

How about instead, you give us the girl...

and we carve a bunch of our presidents into your sacred mountain.

You waste words. We want return of land that was taken from us.

Uh, actually, you traded it for a bead.

Tribe suffer heap big buyer's remorse. We want land back.

Chief, my people are people of law,

and that law is... no "backsies."

The time for stupid statements is over.

♪♪ [ Single Note ] [ Droning ]

[ All Droning ]

Ooh, boy.

Ow! Oh! Oh! Ow! My eye!

Ma, Pa, our precious ranch!

Oof! Ay! Ah!

[ Droning Continues ]

[ Screaming ]

Amy, no! It's too windy!

[ Screaming Continues ]

Stay calm, dearest. I'll save you!

Kif! [ Gasps ] You're flying Betsy!

Need a lift? Oh! Oh! Ooh!

Great Mother Mars.

He has the gift.

[ Droning Ceases ]

[ All Cheering ]

Kroker, that was one Branigan-esque feat of heroism.

We have misjudged you, green one.

You fly the buggalo like us.

You have true reverence for Mother Mars.

Let there be peace between us.

- Yes. Let us smoke-um peace pipe. - Smoke-um?

Here. Take.Oh, no, thanks. I'm on the peace patch.

You must smoke peace pipe and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you!

Oh, well, it's just, really, that I don't feel that--

Don't be such a chicken, Kif. Teenagers all smoke,

and they seem pretty on-the-ball.

Yeah! Yes, sir.Way to suck it!

Hey. I-I'm smoking!

I'm the greatest!

[ All Gasping ]

Oh, monkey trumpets.

You have coughed at our offer of peace, so you must die.

The very bead used to crush our dreams...

shall be used to crush your bones!

Actually, I don't have bones.

I'm supported by a system of fluid-filled bladders that--

[ Gasps ]

[ Shuddering ]

[ Fry ] Wait. That's the bead you traded your land for?

It's a gigantic diamond! That thing must be worth a fortune!

Really?

Ahh! Whew!

[ Stammering ]

Oh, Chief, you've made me the happiest girl in the world! Ow!

You know, if you still want your land, we could just trade back for it.

Hmm. We always thought bead was worthless.

We assumed our ancestors were cheated because they not have concept of ownership.

- So we can have the diamond? - No. We do have concept of ownership.

You are free to go. Sorry about all the rustling and kidnapping.

- But what about your sacred land? - Land, schmand.

We don't want to live on this planet. It's a dump.

We'll buy new planet and act like it's sacred.

With cash like this, who's going to argue? Nobody, that's who.

Then Kif flew Betsy, rescued me from the tornado,

and made peace with the Martians.

Please. He too much of a wimp.Yeah.

I'm sure it was all Mr. Zapp Branigan here.

Please. You give me too little credit.

- [ Sighs ] - Captain Branigan,

you are always welcome here at Rancho Zoidberg.

[ Yells, Groans ]

Eee! Money doesn't make good people. No, sirree.

Thanks for saving my life, Kif. You're my hero.

Oh. You're kind.

But your parents still don't like me.Well, "gloviously."

But if they liked you, then I wouldn't.

Don't you know anything about girls?

[ Rumbling ]

[ Clattering ]

"Dear Diary,

I just made love for the second time."