Original subtitles

Do you want to come in? Oh, thanks.

If you'd like to follow me through to the studio.

Yoo-hoo, Lester! LOOK what I've brought you!

This is Mr Rose and he's going to do you proud, love.

Mrs Snape.

Gillian.

How do you do? How do you do? She's all yours.

May I take your coat, Mrs Snape?

Thank you, Mr Rose.

A drink? Get us in the mood. Not much on offer, I'm afraid.

A glass of sherry would do nicely.

My word!

Quite an act to follow!

Hmm?

Ah, yes.

Most of them dead, alas.

So now you're stuck with me.

Our father died just over a year ago, Mrs Wainthropp.

My sister had this idea of lifting Mother's spirits. Stupid!

Don't start! We paid for her to have a make-over.

It's a day at a beauty parlour. All over pampering. 66 quid!

Extra for the photo, which we didn't know!

- I paid my share of it. - We're not saying you didn't!

This is your mother? He's given her nice shoulders.

That's not all he's given her! D'you mind? Just 12 weeks and he's well in!

They're getting married on Saturday.

What is it you don't like about him?

'Well, he's a Casanova.'

The face of a mature woman is infinitely more...

The face of a mature woman is infinitely more... beguiling to me than any young slip of a girl.

'AND he's a barefaced liar.

'Public school, Stonyhurst. Captain of the Rugby XV. Tosh! He was never there.

'Bryan checked the records.'

You've just got to look at him, Mrs Wainthropp. He's seedy.

We've only ever seen the one suit.

And his shoes.

- Well, before she bought him a new pair. - Italian. Very snazzy.

The point is, there's money involved. Not just this house, but quite a lot in stocks and shares.

Father did very well out of polythene bags and bin liners.

And our seedy friend is out for every penny!

We think he's tried it before. Unsuccessfully if he's trying again. Why do you think this?

Well, he's got no bank account, no medical history and no credit rating, not under the name of Rose!

You found this out? Bryan didn't like doing it!

I can answer for myself, Kelly.

My prime concern is for Gillian.

Come on, she's MY mother, not yours. Can't she live her life without YOU hounding her?

I'm sorry, it wasn't MY idea to call you.

< She's wrong!

We want to stop a horrible mistake!

What you're asking

is that I investigate his past in the hope of finding something incriminating.

It's anything that proves our point and you've got five days to do it.

How are we going to start? You start with what you know.

Here, slow down.

I'm not showing my colours just yet so it's all on you at this stage.

Get in there and ask for information on a make-over.

What's that, Mrs Wainthropp?

It's when you have a facial, body massage, legs waxed, unwanted hair removed.

I'm not asking for that!

Get in.

Auntie Mabel will feel a ton of difference when we're finished.

Oh, is that her there?

No! ..Yes, yes.

Haven't you spoilt the surprise? I told her I was coming in to see my girlfriend.

Asking her out, like, on a date. Come back when you're shaving, chuck

Right.

When she's had this make-over, my auntie, she goes and has her photo taken.

Over there, is it? They say this Lester Rose is the best.

They've been going four months, the salon and Mr Rose. Doing nicely.

I asked was he married because my Auntie Mabel was widowed.

She said she'd been asked that before but he's spoken for.

Well done, Geoffrey.

They've just gone in over there.

What now, I wonder?

If we know where he lives I could get chatting to a neighbour. You could.

Even though we're clutching at straws. 26 Radley Street.

I'll keep watch on things here.

Where's Radley Street? Don't ask me. Ask a policeman.

I don't know what I've done to deserve you, Lester.

I thought I had no chance of happiness.

And you were wrong, weren't you?

You can still change your mind.

I won't sue you for breach of promise.

'I don't believe my eyes, Geoffrey, I don't!'

What you've done is a violation of somebody's rights!

It weren't theft, I was looking for clues. You broke in! What damage did you do?

Nothing. I just lifted the window.

Geoffrey, not back to the bad old days. Oh, I thought we'd drummed all this out of you once and for all.

I'll take it back then. You can't.

He might be there, then you'd be nicked.

It goes back first thing tomorrow.

After he's gone off to work.

Do you understand that, Geoffrey?

Right, no problem.

In the meanwhile...

What do you say we should do, Robert?

Well, what's done can't be undone.

We may as well open it.

There were racing papers in his room with horses ringed.

So, he's a betting man.

That'd account for his shabbiness.

The Queen Mary.

April, 1963.

What would he be doing on that? Ship's photographer, perhaps.

Do you think the monkey chewed the golf ball?

He's got a mate called Studger,

who is skint. No date.

Look at this!

"Darling Ricky, When are you coming to ruffle my feathers? Your fluffy little Barn Owl."

Ricky?

June '63. That's two months after the Queen Mary.

Address, Lytham.

I wonder if she's still there. Quite an old barn owl by now!

Do you think she's the fluffy little barn owl or just another conquest?

With BM.

Southport, August '93.

Can you find anything from Southport?

Ah!

Yes, Inland Revenue, red. But it's not for Mr Rose.

Who's it for then? Mr Peterson, 12 Mallard Road, Southport.

Will you do something for me tomorrow?

As long as it's not breaking the law All right.

Be outside the photo shop when he comes out at dinnertime.

See where he goes, who he talks to and what he gets up to generally.

What will you and Geoffrey be doing?

We'll be photocopying this.

..And this.

And this.

And we'll be taking this back.

And then we'll be off to the seaside.

Go on!

Excuse me, I'm sorry to bother you.

Em... you haven't seen a black Labrador, have you, running this way?

I was walking it for a friend. The lead slipped and the dog, he went off!

Well, now, he hasn't come my way.

Has he a disc, a phone number?

What name does he answer to?

Bl-Blackie.

Blackie? Yes. That's handy.

Now, you say you were coming down here and you saw him running where?

I was coming up there and the dog went off there.

In the general direction of home. Yes. His home.

That's where he lives. That's where he's probably headed.

Why don't you try there first?

Yes, I will.

Thank you.

Blackie!

Blackie! I do hope you find him.

Try next door.

No.

Someone of the older generation, I think,

with a keen eye on the world.

No, they weren't called Rose.

What were they called, Arnold, that couple, 12 month back?

No, he were Richard and she had a double-barrelled name.

Was it Peterson?

I don't think they were married but they were very pleasant. He always had a twinkle.

But if me memory serves me... Wasn't there something wrong with her?

Anyway, one day,

Anyway, one day, she vanished!

Vanished? Yes, into thin air.

How do you mean? Well, one day she were there, the next, gone!

And he were like a lost soul for a day and then he were gone too!

I think they left owing money.

Shame when that happens. Didn't they owe money?

Do you remember how he earned his living?

I think he was on the smudge - snapping tourists. He had a monkey on a chain.

And they used to drink in the... Up Steps, wasn't it? Oh, Arnold will know.

These are detectives, dear, asking after that couple across the road.

Caught up with him at last? Tell him he still owes me 20 quid.

I never knew that! No, our Ivy, I never told you!

Your wife doesn't think they were married. They weren't.

What were their Christian names? Richard and Beatrice-Marie. To find her, dig up that garden!

If you felt that, you'd have told the police.

I'm saying nowt for fear of upsetting the wife.

It's for t'others to find out. Good day!

Em... excuse me for interrupting but I want some advice.

It's my wife's birthday today but I'm no punter myself so what do you recommend?

You're asking me to pick you a winner?

You don't have to, it's just that you look like a man who... might've had a whisper from the stable yard.

Well, then, now...

Is it pizza tonight or do you want a la carte?

Sorry? Is your dear lady worth risking your shirt for?

She's worth something but I couldn't afford more than a tenner. I'm redundant, you see.

Nukupuku, Haydock, the 1.30.

Oh! Right!

Nuku... puku.

Form good, then? None at all, that's why it's 40:1. Everything to play for. Hmm.

Nukupuku.

'And the 40:1 outsider Nukupuku is maintaining his very good start.'

Yeah, sat over there, lunchtime and evening,

two or three times a week.

Somebody's left them money. We're trying to trace them. That's lucky, he owed plenty.

So, he had a slate. Who settled up?

Mrs Peterson?

Beatrice-Marie. What's that to you?

It's common in cases of this kind.

Is it? Yes.

We also represent some of his creditors so with this windfall we aim to get everyone satisfied.

He left owing me £42.

You've a sharp memory. For some things. So, back to my question.

Was it Mrs Peterson? Aye, it were mostly her purse.

Except when he won, then he were a gentleman. Drinks all round.

Her purse? He'd bring it to the bar.

Big, black velvet thing with a gold snake catch.

And then they just stopped coming?

Person you want is Studger, Mr Sturridge. He knew them best.

'That's your lot, mate, Studge.'

Where do we find Mr Sturridge?

Fish and chip parlour. He owns it.

Out of here, up to the front, left and follow your nose.

You go over, Geoffrey.

That table there.

I never heard what happened but their last night here she were upset.

Upset?

She ran out, crying her eyes out and he sat there with his head in his hands.

That's all I can tell you.

You've been most helpful. Thank you.

No! Detective Chief Inspector Adams.

..Could you tell him to ring Hetty Wainthropp at home after 5 o'clock.

Yes, of course it's urgent!

'What was she crying about, Lester?

'Was it a row that night which led to violence?

'Murder.'

He's out, is Mr Sturridge. That's a pity.

He'll be back about six, they said. Well, we must press on.

The fluffy little barn owl? No, we'll leave her for another day.

I'll need to get home to solve this vanishing act mystery. I'll leave Studger to you. Great.

Don't eat too many. Not good for your pimples.

Hello?

Robert!

Abandon the case? Yes.

So what if he is a con artist? If he makes her laugh, feel good, she's lucky.

Or have you found something?

No. Nothing yet. Whether I do or don't, either way helps your mother.

You have to understand we are a jealous and mean-spirited lot.

You can blame our father for that,

treating us like dirt. Mother especially.

When Mr Rose moves in, if he does,

you'll be looking for a place, I imagine.

Me? I can't wait to get out.

I'm only here to see Mum all right. She was depressed, stuck in here.

I tried to hire a housekeeper and her husband to do the garden, but... I've got your case, love.

Oh! You've got company, dear. Mother, this is...

Mrs Winstanley. I came about the housekeeping,

and my husband as gardener. Your daughter kindly saw me.

Yes, of course. Housekeeper?

I'm not sure... I don't think it would quite suit. The garden would be too much for my husband.

Thank you for your time. Lady come about the housekeeping, dear, but she's just leaving.

Don't carry that further, ducky!

We've... We've met before, haven't we?

Oh! I'd lost my dog. That's right.

Yes. This morning, outside my house.

Did you find him? He went home, just like you said. I'm so relieved.

Lester Rose. How do you do?

How do you do. Thank you!

My dear Lysette.

I've arrived, it seems.

It seems you have, Lester.

Where now? Upwards? Well, you should know, dear.

Outside your house, Lester? Yes.

Nothing to do with me.

I walked right into him. Hang on, love, who are we talking about?

Lysette Snape and her mother AND Mr Lester Rose.

I think you should take her advice and quit. I can't, not now.

He could be a murderer. His neighbours in Southport think there's a body in the back garden!

He's not like that! How do you know?

Because I met him as per your wishes.

He was charming. Gave me a tip in the bookies.

I put a fiver on Nukupuku in the 1.30 and watched him romp home second at 40:1.

Fifty-five quid I made us! Fifty-five smackers.

Ain't coming? What do you mean? He's got a cold, Mr Sturridge.

Cold? We've all got stinking colds.

Enough germs round here to kill off an army.

Richard Peterson or possibly Lester Rose.

Who? Peterson or Rose. Weren't you a friend of his?

Who wants to know? He's my uncle.

Uncle? Fancy that!

I've come to tell him he's been left some money. Uncle Richard? Money?

A fair bit. In a will. Not his Auntie Dorothy?

Yeah. She was my... great-aunt. Grand old lady.

Two haddock specials.

Poor old Auntie Dorothy. Snuffed it at last, has she? And they sent you to tell me about it.

To help find him. We heard he was in Mallard Road with Beatrice-Marie.

Shog off.

What? No, this is important.

I just invented Auntie Dorothy.

And what would Uncle Richard be doing with a scruffy oik like you? He's a toff. Went to public school.

Well out of your class, sunshine.

Yeah, all right. Fair enough.

You wouldn't believe what I really am. Wouldn't I?

No, you wouldn't. I'm a private detective.

Well, fancy that. You're just what I'm looking for.

Picking over the bones of this case and Geoffrey not here to keep my grey cells in order,

I don't know which way to turn.

Well, it's about women and money.

Lester plays the horses, loses more than he wins, so he skips off owing money.

His friend, Studger. Studger?

Never heard of that name before! Helpful contributions only, please.

His friend, Studger, that neighbour at Southport, the income tax... I prefer them golden brown to black!

They ARE golden brown. DEEP golden brown.

You go and sit down, love, and I'll serve up. All right!

Where do you go next with that kind of life? As far away as possible from folk who want their money back.

That's right! If you've got a pleasing eye for the ladies... Then you're home and dry.

And very nice too! I hope Geoffrey's eating properly.

I miss his helping hand to keep me on the right path. There's a wise old head on those young shoulders.

I wouldn't mind a young head on these old shoulders. PHONE RINGS I'll go!

The question is who set Lester up in that shop?

Lights, cameras, rent. That's not cheap!

Who's paid for all that?

Wainthropp Detective Agency.

It's Geoffrey!

Mrs Wainthropp, I got myself a job at Mr Sturridge's fish parlour. Clever, eh?

And where will you spend the night?

In a B&B. I'm getting somewhere. They were in the army together. Germany.

I've got to go. I'll ring tomorrow.

Where is he? In his idea of paradise.

There is nothing. No murder,

not even a death recorded of one Beatrice-Marie Peterson in Southport on the date you mention.

Perhaps she hasn't been found yet.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

- Miss Devlin, I believe. - Yes.

Sidney Sturridge. Remember me? We met at your mum's funeral.

Oh, yes.

Fish and chips.

Please! MISTER Fish and Chips.

- What do you want? - Are you still looking for her old pal, Ricardo?

'Oh, he was such a beautiful young rascal.'

He called me his barn owl!

Who could resist?

I was on the Queen Mary on my way home from New York.

Oh, he knew how to snap a girl!

Lester Rose is still... Oh, no, dear.

He was Rick Peters then.

Ricky boy!

Herbert never knew!

He'd have divorced me.

Oh, but we were shameless.

..And afterwards?

You stayed in touch.

He never left my heart, if that's what you mean.

But Herbert...

his legs have got him further than mine.

..Sorry, what was your question?

Ricky. He came back?

Oh, yes. But that was years later.

It was quite recent.

Turned up in his last pair of shoes.

Oh, what a state they were in!

And did you help him with money? Good God!

What else would he want from me? A quick grope!?

Mrs McCarthy,

I have to ask you... did he blackmail you not to tell your husband?

Blackmail? No, never.

What would poor old Herbert care now?

Oh, but he was a bastard!

..No.

No, that was someone else.

Lester Rose... Er, Ricky?

Did YOU set him up in Blackburn?

In his photography shop? Well, of course!

Is he making a hash of it?

Did the gee-gees let him down? Oh, no.

The gee-gees are running his way, Mrs McCarthy. He's getting married.

At last! I TOLD him he should.

I said "Ricky, darling, stop farting about and find yourself a nice, rich widow

"and your troubles will be over!"

So I'm booked in for the whole lot, including photo.

Who'll pay for it? You will.

From your ill-gotten gains.

I was going to buy you a dress and a dinner.

Kind of you.

I can't let you do it! You said he could be a murderer.

YOU said he was charming.

Yes, but all alone and him knowing you're on to him!

Look, Robert, all I have is other people's opinions.

The only way to get to the bottom of this is to decide for myself,

get him to reveal his true colours.

Hetty! So, no more arguments.

And you can have tea ready for when I get back.

You know what I think?

I think you've fallen under his spell!

Look, I've told you what I know, you've told me nothing. That's not keeping to our bargain.

Friday night, sunshine. Frying tonight. Plenty of time tomorrow.

That's very good. Getting the hang of it.

Wainthropp Detective Agency.

You're looking for Beatrice-Marie Devlin?

Who is this? ..Hello?

Beatrice-Marie Devlin? Is that you?

No!

But I know where you'll find her.

Lester!

Lester!

Look what I've brought you.

Good evening. I've come to pick up my wife.

Mrs Wainthropp. You're going to be so thrilled!

She's getting finished off by Mr Rose.

A drink... To get us acquainted?

Only sherry, it seems.

Then I'll pass.

But I don't want to stop you having one.

I had a dog.

Yorkshire terrier. Got run over.

I was six. Cried my eyes out.

For days. But then...

What is life but a catalogue of woes?

One... scratches around looking for some...

..skin to inhabit, don't you find?

One tries being this person, that person.

What does it all amount to in the end?

I find that a very sad view of life.

Oh...

Then you must be one of the lucky ones.

Sure you won't join me?

Very well. Just this once.

Good.

I hate drinking alone in the company of ladies.

Now...

Who would you like to be? Would you care to choose a hat?

I can offer you My Fair Lady.

Or... The Wicked Lady!

Julie Andrews or Margaret Lockwood.

Can you do Marlene Dietrich?

Night, Mrs Webb. See you tomorrow. Night, Wendy, love.

Night, Mr Wainthropp. I hope you'll be pleased. She looks lovely. See ya!

There now...

Oh, yes... that's good. VERY good.

So, now...

Hetty Wainthropp, my dear ducky,

how many bodies have you dug up from my putrified past?

Was it Lysette told you?

No...!

After the dog and the housekeeper I was entitled to ask some questions.

No, it was that tiresome woman over the way.

It seems you're famous.

I have dug up some skeletons, Mr Rose.

Will you name them?

You've changed your name quite often,

Rick Peters, Richard Peterson, Lester Rose,

and that's just the ones I've found.

Rose. My mother's name.

I can understand that family wanting me vetted

but a private eye! Who do they think I am, Bluebeard?

They think you're marrying Gillian for her money.

Well, it'll come in very handy. Can't one turn over a new leaf?

I am what I am and she loves me.

As for taking the family silver, well...

She'll outlive me. They usually do, widows.

Turn your head towards me. ..Towards me.

Or do they seriously think I'm planning to poison her?

And I WAS captain of rugby at Stonyhurst under my real name - Leslie Richards.

I've a photo to prove it. In your tin box? So you did take it?

It's something I regret. I'm sorry. We put it back.

Thank you.

You didn't find the rugby team?

Well then, it's lost.

Mrs Wainthropp...

all that's really undone me, and if you're any sort of detective you'll know it,

is a love of the gee-gees who weren't always kind to me.

And beautiful women who, most invariably, WERE.

What happened to Beatrice-Marie?

Does he usually take this long!?

I'm going over there! No, no...

He's just getting it right.

< Don't fret.

I've got some gin here.

She's the only one I've truly loved.

Her illness was also her strength.

On her high days, sheer joy...!

Marriage...

No.

Too many clinics.

I'd already stopped her from ending it twice.

Then, one night near... Hebden Bridge where she came from...

..where she now lies.

So, Mrs Wainthropp, are you going to shop me

or is the joke on me?

The person we have to consider is Gillian.

..Tomorrow?

Well, it's a punt, I grant you.

But... odds of five to one.

There's a bit of form.

You have to tell me now, old dear.

Will you be my guest tomorrow?

Or the spectre at my feast?

May I bring me husband?

I just can't believe it, any of it!

Believe what you like but that's the barefaced truth.

But he's getting married today! You'll have to come. No, no.

Can't stand weddings, morbid affairs.

Well, it seems he isn't marrying for money after all.

He has some of his own. What?

A legacy from a friend. Her daughter contacted us yesterday.

Thank you for informing us, Mrs Wainthropp.

That's very good news for everyone.

Come on, Bryan, dearest.

No, Robert, it's a family affair.

I must talk to you. Let them get their nuptials done.

Mrs Wainthropp! We know, Geoffrey. You... About Beatrice-Marie and how she took her life.

And the life insurance she took out for him. He can pay for all this.

Or is it still the bride who pays?

Something else! What?

Lester Rose, the groom... Yes?

He's married.

To some fraulein in Germany. On his national service.

After a drunken binge, Mr Sturridge said. He was his best man.

As far as he knows it were never...

Consummated? No, annulled! Never annulled.

Just cause or impediment. Have to tell the registrar.

No, Robert, wait! Don't be hasty.

Are you sure this man was telling the truth, or joking?

No, why should he? He was serious.

We best be going. You can't! We're guests of honour.

We can't join that party if this is true.

Oh, look...

I'll have a quiet word with him after the honeymoon. I'm sure there's a simple answer.

It'll be all right.

Doesn't seem all right to me at all.

Oh, Robert...!

Let's give romance a chance.

Eh?

Subtitles by Subtitling Unit, BBC Scotland. 1996.