Original subtitles

Congratulations.

Oh, my God! Darce, I'm kvelling.

I am positively kvelling right now.

- It looks just like me. - Hey! Look over here.

- Let me just get your eyes. - No.

- I wanna get the light on your eyes. - Nine hours of labor.

- It's so cinematic. - I'm covered in sweat.

- This is not a good look. - Oh.

- Would you like me to hold the camera? - Oh, that's perfect.

Make sure you frame all three of us, please?

Howard, it's our baby.

Or it will be, right?

When do you think this thing is gonna hatch?

I don't know. It's gonna hatch in... you know, uh...

whatever the normal...

In an instant, Howard and Darcy The Duck's whole world changed.

Little did they know

their child was destined to change everyone else's too.

Time.

Space.

Reality.

It's more than a linear path.

It's a prism of endless possibility,

where a single choice can branch out into infinite realities,

creating alternate worlds from the ones you know.

I am the Watcher.

I am your guide through these vast new realities.

Follow me and ponder the question...

"What if?"

And to think a romance that could change the world,

all began at a party.

An intergalactic blowout thrown by the party prince of Asgard himself...

Huzzah!

...that introduced Earth to the stars...

...and Howard The Duck to Darcy Lewis.

Well, it's happy hour. Want some half-priced nachos?

Okay, fine, Duck. But this is not a date.

She was right.

It was so much more.

I now pronounce you Darcy, and uh, Duck.

But Howard and Darcy's lives weren't the only ones changed

by Thor's Midgard rager.

The party may have ended but the guests never left,

as the worlds of Earth and the Cosmos became forever intertwined,

just like Howard and Darcy.

♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪

♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪

♪ You know that! ♪

♪ I can't get enough of you... ♪

♪ I can't get enough of you, Egg baby... ♪

Hey, enough! The '80s called, they want their song back.

That's so funny.

Or it would be, except for the fact that KISS wrote that song in '79! A-duh!

Sorry, Mrs. Switzler, we're just trying to put the baby to sleep.

With what? Torture?

Hey, we worked really hard on those two-part harmonies!

Okay. And I'm sure the baby loves them.

Look, look, look. See...

fast asleep.

I don't appreciate how dismissive she is.

Okay, it doesn't matter.

Will you look at us... nesting?

Well, we are the The Ducks.

I guess that tracks.

Huh?

You've been served...

- What? - What? No.

Those charges were dropped.

With two tickets.

All expenses paid to the Grandmaster's Grand Cruise Across the Stars.

- Hello. - Wait! For us?

- Targeted advertising. - Oh.

It'll be an experience you'll never forget.

Ahoy there, Sailors of the Stars.

Time to check your worries at the gate, and toss those inhibitions overboard

because when you're riding on the SS Grand Master,

adventure has no boundaries.

Howard, have you seen this itinerary?

Couples cliff diving on Vormir...

Oh, yeah, they say you can only truly appreciate it with someone you love.

Oh, a lava boat ride through the canals of Muspelheim.

Wait, you don't think that could, like, hard-boil our baby or anything, right?

Darce, you heard the lady. This is a family cruise line.

- They know what they're doing. - Of course.

Now come on, I wanna hit that buffet before everyone breathes on it.

Howard, oh, my God! Hold on to the baby.

- The baby, get it. - All right, I got it.

Whoa! Oh-ho!

- We're floating! - I see we're lightening up already.

I got eyes on the package.

Inform the buyer we'll intercept it off-world.

- Oh, boy! - This is very nice.

This is just too much. Look at us.

- I know. Look at us. - Lei for your neck.

Welcome cocktail to lower inhibitions.

Darcy, check out these leis. They're not even plastic.

That is a classy touch.

Ooh, and this welcome drink. It tastes like a warm hug,

and vodka, mostly vodka.

- Here. Have another. - Have another.

Okay. That's not...

Please, I insist.

On the SS Grand Master, it's not a bad decision

- if you don't remember it. - Oh, my God! Howard! It's the guy.

- I gotta fight this guy? - No, no, no.

- DJ Foam. - DJ Foam!

- Yeah. - The Grandmaster.

Bowing is optional. I'm not that big of a deal.

- I take that back. I am a big deal. - Hey!

Really, we cannot thank you enough for these tickets.

Ah, for you crazy kids? Nothing I love more than a wholesome...

- Oh! Oh! - Uh...

This must be the adorable little reason we're all here today.

Now, look at this.

Now, what you have here is the Galaxy's finest selection

of sitters, swaddlers, sleep trainers, nannies, au pairs, governesses, plus...

Topaz here is actually an excellent wet nurse.

That part's extra.

All at your disposal.

So you two can enjoy some much-deserved mommy and daddy time.

Uh...

I mean, he doesn't not have a point.

Mmm.

Wow!

First-time parents?

Mm-hmm. Yep. Our first one.

Yeah, I can tell.

The Grandmaster's Grand Welcome Brunch will begin shortly.

The "Grand" part wasn't false advertising, I'll give him that. This is quite grand.

Now, of course, our guests of honor have a special seat reserved for them

at the head of the table.

Oh!

- Well, that's nice. - Very fancy.

- The chair is well-padded. - Ahem, ahem!

Diners and dinettes, gather in, settle down.

Hmm.

And, uh, most importantly, raise a glass.

Hope you all came hungry, because once you get a taste...

Quite the hoopla just for breakfast, huh?

Hey! Hey, Howard, Howard, I can't make heads or tails of this menu.

- You speak, uh, hoity-toity? - I do not.

But my phone does.

Yeah, let's see what we got.

Here we go. "The Grandmaster invites you

"to feast on Howard and Darcy The Duck."

Wait! What?

Wait, wait, wait. It's "feast your eyes."

"Feast your eyes." Okay, I guess that's nice.

Ah...

Uh, today's special

is an entrée, uh-huh, like no other.

Born of two worlds...

Born of two worlds?

...a true cosmic wonder.

- Uh, Howard... - Wait, it says,

"To feast your eyes on Howard and Darcy The Duck's

- "homemade..." - Howard!

Oh, no, is this supposed to be a potluck?

Howard!

- Look at the baby! - Yep. Hold on.

Darce, they wanna eat the baby!

No, duh, Howard, we've got a Hannibal Lecter situation!

Oh, let the brunch begi...

What? Oh, my gosh! Captain Mohawk saved our baby!

Sorry to spoil y'all's breakfast, folks.

But I was hopin' to grab a little somethin' to go. Ta-ta!

Oh, my gosh! Captain Mohawk stole our baby!

No, no, no! Hey, Space Pirates!

What're you waiting for? Come on, Duck!

Coast clear, let's get to the life rafts!

All right, here we go!

Howard, are you sure you can fly this?

Are you kidding? I'm a duck. I was born to fly. Strap in.

Oh, move over!

Faster, baby! Faster! We almost got him!

Aah, come on, get it together, Darcy.

This is just like Galaga.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- What? - Aah!

- It just... It just disappear... - But they were right...

I don't know what we were thinking. Nothing good ever happens on a cruise!

I'm sorry.

This was a mistake.

Our baby is... gone.

We had one job.

And we failed.

What? What are you doing?

Calling the fuzz! Clearly, we can't do this on our own!

Um, it's about the Convergence case, sir.

This couple could be the lead we've been waiting for.

And what did you say their name was?

- That would be the The Ducks, sir. - Huh?

What the hell is going on, Director?

First the Grandmaster, now the Ravagers?

Why are all these people after our baby?

I assure you, Mr. and Mrs... The Duck,

recovering your egg has become S.H.I.E.L.D.'s priority number one.

Oh, yeah? You and everyone else in the galaxy, apparently.

What the hell is so special about our kid, anyway?

- Howard! - Ow!

I mean, besides the fact that they're our kid.

What do you know about the Cosmic Convergence?

Wait. The Convergence?

- Wasn't that on my due date? - Exactly.

And many believe the planetary alignment was a sign.

The birth of a great new power.

You think it's our child?

I guess, deep down, I always knew

our little champ was destined for big things.

Uh, a word, sir.

...our satellites picked up a Ravager ship making the jump

out of the Cat's Eye Nebula.

It could indicate they're meeting with The Collector.

Hm.

Best you leave this with the experts, Mr. and Mrs... The Duck.

We'll see to it your Egg stays out of the wrong hands.

Fury out!

Screw this! Well, I'm not waiting for the five-oh.

If the Ravagers are workin' for The Collector,

then we know where they're headed.

- Where? - Knowhere.

- What? - Knowhere.

Well, they've gotta be going somewhere.

Knowhere.

- Howard? - Knowhere.

Where are they going?

Milord Yondu Udonta,

I present to you, Kaecilius, Master of the Dark Arts.

Only in silence can you hear the whispers from the Dark.

Oh-ho! Whoa!

What happened to The Collector?

He's been... collected.

Trapped inside the Mirror Dimension.

But we knew the most powerful relics in the Cosmos

always seem to find their way here... eventually.

Listen, man. Word on the street here

is that this egg is a pretty hot damn commodity.

I got offers comin' in from Dark Elves and an Olympic God.

You get what I'm sayin'? So, our price just went up.

I'm sorry, Captain,

but Dormammu does not come to bargain.

Jeez, easy, Darce. The wall, the wall.

- It's fine! - Oh, oh!

Quiet, Howard!

You know I can't park when someone is watching!

I'm lookin' away.

That was great, babe. Wow.

Whoa, can't believe you escaped through the sewage tunnels.

You won't even use a public restroom.

I'm not proud of it. I did what I had to do.

Shh! Howard, I hear something creepy.

Do you hear that?

- Yeah, it's very creepy. - It's very creepy!

Howard!

What in the name of Eyes Wide Shut!

- ...Dormammu. - ...Dormammu.

- Yeah, that is right. - Crushin' it.

That's our baby!

Oh, no! There's gotta be something we can do!

So, uh, excuse me. What's the deal with the magic act?

We know. Obviously. We just wanna hear it in your words.

Quiet! The "ensoulment" is about to begin.

- Ensoulment? - Ensoulment?

Behold, our Dark Master, Dormammu!

Dormammu, we present to you an offering.

A powerful vessel to serve as your host body,

from which you will be born anew.

Howard! I think

they're tryna Rosemary's Baby this Dormammu guy into our baby!

No. No. No.

Did I get it?

- What the... - What? No!

S.H.I.E.L.D.! Nobody move!

I didn't do it! I'm innocent, I tell you!

Relax, Howard. He's not here for us, remember?

Right. Right. It's just a force of habit.

Hands out of your robes, now!

You are in possession of unauthorized level 11 cosmic contraband.

I would suggest you stand down, Director.

You've no idea what you've found yourself in the middle of.

I understand enough to know that the galaxy will be safest

with that Egg in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hands.

Uh, S.H.I.E.L.D.'s hands?

Thanks, but no thanks, my dude.

Yeah. Look, Your Honor, I appreciate the search and rescue,

but I don't think we're in the market for childcare.

Who the hell are these two?

We're the parents.

I'm sorry, Mr. and Mrs. The Duck,

but S.H.I.E.L.D. can't entrust a being this powerful

to a first-time mom and a gambling addict.

- Hey! - Recovering gambling addict, thank you!

I got the chip. That's the wrong chip.

Coulson, carton it.

It appears you need some help reorienting your perspective.

I don't like it!

If that's how it's gonna be...

For Dormam...

Get it, get it!

- Get it! - Get it! I got my...

Huh?

All right.

Let's go.

Do you hear that?

- Oh? - Oh-ho-ho!

Ask and you shall receive.

I didn't hear you ask anyone.

Well, I was askin', babe. You know, in my head.

Breaking Space News, Terran defense force, S.H.I.E.L.D.,

has issued an Ivory Alert for a missing cosmic relic,

last seen leaving Knowhere in a Sakaaran vessel.

Well, look at us, like an intergalactic Bonnie and Clyde.

Have you seen that movie, Howard? It does not end great for them.

Look, we need to find someplace where we can lay low.

Not to worry. I know just the place where we can chill.

For too long, Jotunheim has been relegated to the shadows.

But with this, the Nine Realms will have no choice

but to bear witness to our glorious purpose.

Right here at the Jotun Slopes luxury hotel, resort, and casino.

The future of intergalactic winter sports.

That's pretty cool, right?

I mean, my father's not 100% on board just yet,

but, you know, I'm gonna get him there.

Dude, we didn't come here for a sales pitch. We came for your help.

You know, I thought so, and let me just cut to the chase.

I can't wait to be your baby's godfather.

I'm so honored. Thank you. This means the world.

- Is this guy serious right now? - Uh.

Listen, as swell as that offer is...

- Yeah. - Really, we're very touched.

What we need right now is shelter.

We're kinda on the lam from a couple of cops.

- And sorcerers. - Pirates, too.

So, what do you say? Can you help us out?

What're you talking about?

You're my brother from another mother's old lady's sister from another mister.

Uh...

You're practically family.

Thanks, man. I mean, it has been a long trip,

and we have not been able to catch a break.

Oh! Is that guests already? Hang on, wait, our soft opening isn't for a few days.

I don't think they're here for you.

Mr. and Mrs. The Duck, I told you to leave this to us!

Ah, Sir Nicholas Fury!

Let's go!

Quickly. Quickly.

Oh, Father!

So much for this grand opening of yours, my son.

These are my friends. See them to safety, yes?

Or we can take this...

- Dad! What are you doing? - No, no, no!

- Give it back. - And return Jotunheim to its former glory.

No! No return to former glory!

- This is embarrassing! - S.H.I.E.L.D.!

- Nobody move! - Dad!

Surrender the artifact!

My brother from another mother will not look kindly on this.

See? I told you.

I don't think it's who you think it is.

Kneel before Zeus!

Oh, good, you're already kneeling.

Now, where is this Egg I saw written in the stars?

Okay, cool. Well, we're heading south for the winter.

Never been much of a snowbird anyway.

- Darce, let's get outta here. - Come on!

Hey, what do I got?

Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt, thunderbolt!

That guy shocked me!

I'm comin' back for you, buddy!

Darce!

Hark, the child born under the stars of the Convergence is ours to take.

And with it, we shall finally plunge the Nine Realms into eternal darkness.

Get out of my way! I am a Master of the Dark Arts!

I'm a Dark Elf. It's in the name, you dimwit!

- Heretic! - Thunderbolt!

Hey!

Hear me and rejoice.

Oh, no! You're not getting your mitts on our magical kid!

What? No. We're just here for a company retreat.

- We have a Groupon. - Okay.

Uh, wait. Did you say "magical kid"?

- Howard! - Sorry!

We might want to call this one in.

Thunderbolt for you!

Get up, no, no...

Mama's got you, Junior!

My fabulous Egg.

- DJ Foam? - The omelet man!

We meet again. What're the odds?

No, seriously, I'm asking you, what are the odds?

- No, no, no. Howard! - Oh, no!

- Oh, no, no, no! - No, no, no!

Oh, come to Papa.

- Sparkles! Huh? - Oh, no, we're going down. Abandon ship.

No, no, no! Howard!

Excuse me. Just makin' my way. Daddy's got you, baby.

Faster, Howard, faster!

I'm running as fast as I can!

The Stones? Is this about the Stones?

Have you found them? Where are they?

An egg? You called me for an egg?

It's magical?

Yello.

Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Oh. Whoa. - Come on, Duck!

No!

Yeah! Yodelheim rules!

Yeah! The The Ducks can't be stopped!

- No! - Hold up.

And there goes your trust fund.

All of it?

This can't be it, Howard. Can it?

Who can say?

I never would've thunk a life like this could've been written in the stars.

A girl like you...

I mean, a duck like me.

Thank God that bar was offering half-price nachos.

Well, the nachos might've sealed the deal, but...

I always knew.

We were brought together for something more.

I always knew it, too.

♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪

♪ I can't get enough of you, baby ♪

♪ Can you get enough of me? ♪

Never.

♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪

♪ I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪

♪ You know that! ♪

Uh...

Darce...

- Ah, that power. - So pure.

- It's divine. - So beautiful.

Just as it was written in the stars.

Seize it!

Wow! Darce, look at this.

This kid might have some magic of its own!

Maybe we should keep singing?

♪ Oh, I was made for lovin' you, baby ♪

♪ You were made for lovin' me ♪

♪ And I can't get enough of you, baby ♪

♪ Can you get enough of me? ♪

- You all right, Coulson? - I'm good, boss.

So, you know, what do you think of the resort?

There's... There's too many of them.

No! There's gotta be somethin' else we can do.

Howard, the baby!

Okay, okay, this was fun, but I have an orgy to get to.

Um, Howard?

And to think I was worried you wouldn't be able to protect her.

Yeah, yeah. She's a natural-born slugger, just like her old man.

Oh, no need for that. I was wrong.

Power that great is safest with its family.

You guys got this.

Fury out!

Hi, guys. Hi, hi.

Listen, I've talked it over with my father and to make amends...

We'd like to comp you a room at the lodge. And...

Honestly, it's the least we could do. Really, my friends. We insist.

Full minibar.

Mm.

What do you think, babe?

Never been one to turn down a free trip,

but there's only one place in the world I wanna be.

Even in an endless universe, there's no place like home.

And parents are the greatest heroes of all.

Aw. Our little Byrdie. She's perfect.

Yeah. She is, isn't she?

All right, like we rehearsed.

Step...

- Step. And step. And step. - Step. And step. And step.

- You get the door. - Fine.

- No! - Oh, God. Did you do the bottle?

- You're supposed to do the bottle. - No, the bottle's fine, Howard.

No, it's way too hot. You can't give a bottle that hot.

It's the blanket. She hates the color!

Why'd we get her this color?