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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:06,705 What the hell is that? 2 00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,123 MICHAEL CHUCKLES Oh! Hey, guys. 3 00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:10,925 What are you doing down here? 4 00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,048 Well, we came to get more champagne 5 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,255 which is right behind... that magic door. 6 00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,431 - What door? - Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on? 7 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,680 Who are you, and why were you talking about us? 8 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,312 And what's the "good place," and what are "afterlife points" 9 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,101 and who has the most and... is it me? 10 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:31,191 Wait a second, I know this guy! You're Zack Pizazz! 11 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:32,772 He got me here from Jacksonville. 12 00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:36,067 No, this is the librarian, from the University. 13 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:39,745 Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo, a very rude Silicon Valley investor. 14 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,284 MICHAEL CHUCKLES Alright, guys. 15 00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:44,417 I can explain everything. Just give me one second, OK? 16 00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:46,745 How do we get out of this? 17 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,581 Well, they heard us explaining the entire system of the afterlife 18 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,839 and they saw an interdimensional door open and close, so... 19 00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,844 not a ton of wiggle room here. 20 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:58,302 But, you're forgetting one crucial piece of information. 21 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,394 Right? 22 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,415 I mean, you're forgetting one crucial piece of information, that'll save us? 23 00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:08,479 Yo! Buddy! You have like three seconds to explain this crazy space door 24 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,969 or Chidi here is gonna beat you up! 25 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,936 - Yes! - Oh, no... I'm... I'm... I'm not 26 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,530 but I would like to know about the space door. 27 00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:18,868 Alright. I don't know what choice we have. I'll tell you the truth. 28 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,535 My name is Special Agent Rick Justice. 29 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,457 And this is Lisa "Frenchy" Fuqua. 30 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:29,751 We're with the FBI, and all of you are in grave danger. 31 00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,050 I knew it. 32 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:43,301 Agent Fuqua and I are... paranormal investigators. 33 00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,136 We're here to protect you from... 34 00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,812 demons. No, wait, that's real... um... ghouls... ghouls! 35 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:53,315 We're here to protect you from ghouls. Now I had to appear... 36 00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,613 in different disguises to keep tabs on you 37 00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:58,449 but you are all involved together... 38 00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,992 in this FBI case. 39 00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:02,320 ELEANOR SNIGGERS - No, we can... we can... prove this. 40 00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,660 We have detailed files on all of you. 41 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,286 - Ask Janet anything. - JANET GASPS 42 00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,954 - Who's Janet? - "Frenchy". 43 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,960 JANET WHISPERS: Frenchy. - HE SCOFFS: Sorry... 44 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,130 "Frenchy's" nickname is Janet. 45 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:13,695 I thought her nickname was "Frenchy". 46 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,134 It is. 47 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:16,968 That's why they call her... 48 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:20,263 - Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua. - Mm-hm. 49 00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:24,725 OK. Guys, I used to work at a place that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently. 50 00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:29,227 I know a Fed when I see one and these two "jamokes" are not FBI, OK? 51 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,067 Who are you? 52 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,476 - Really. - Fine, fine, fine. 53 00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,979 - Just give me one more second. - One. 54 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,567 - Serious question? - Yep? 55 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,441 - Should we kill them? - What? 56 00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,660 It might work! 57 00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,910 We kill them, go back through the door 58 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,488 somehow grab them before they get to the Bad Place 59 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,953 and regroup from there. I could kill them right now. 60 00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:51,036 And you know, it would be easy. Their bodies are very poorly made. 61 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,995 They're mostly goo and juice. 62 00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,165 You just take the juice out and then they're dead. 63 00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,342 Michael... 64 00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,463 they've seen through the door into the afterlife 65 00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,010 and they heard how it works. 66 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,717 SHE SIGHS It's over. 67 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,599 Ah... 68 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,481 Fine. 69 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,175 Guess, I'll start at the beginning. 70 00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,693 You all died. 71 00:03:22,661 --> 00:03:24,072 Well, this sucks. 72 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,329 So, to sum up... 73 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:29,370 there is a heaven and hell 74 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,788 we've been to hell and... 75 00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:35,250 now, no matter how good we are for the rest of our lives 76 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,252 we're going back to hell. 77 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,134 Again, it's not the classic Christian "hell", but... 78 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,462 that's the gist, yes. 79 00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,806 As soon as you learned about the afterlife 80 00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:48,726 your motivation to be good was corrupted... 81 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,182 so you can't earn points anymore. 82 00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:55,107 So sorry for eternally dooming you. 83 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,934 And that's our bad, guys. 84 00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,894 So, all the attempts you made to... 85 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:03,362 torture us, we must have been in the afterlife for a hundred years. 86 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,159 Almost three hundred, actually. 87 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,265 Well, how is it possible that all these things happened to us 88 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,391 but no time passed on Earth? 89 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,748 Did you go back in time to save us? 90 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,499 Uh, I didn't have to 91 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,578 because of "Jeremy Bearimy". 92 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,413 Who's Jeremy Bearimy? 93 00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:21,709 OK, things in the afterlife don't happen 94 00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,302 "while" things are happening here 95 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:28,053 because while time on Earth moves in a straight line 96 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,386 one thing happens, then the next, then the next... 97 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,815 Time in the afterlife moves in a "Jeremy Bearimy." 98 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,308 What? 99 00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:41,988 The afterlife time doubles back and loops around and ends up looking something, like... 100 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,736 "Jeremy Bearimy". 101 00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,489 This is the timeline in the afterlife. 102 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:51,827 Happens to kinda look like the name "Jeremy Bearimy" in cursive English 103 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,579 so that's what we call it. 104 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:56,669 Sorry, I'm... my brain is melting. 105 00:04:56,755 --> 00:05:03,218 How can events happen before the ones that happened... before? 106 00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:07,217 Just the way it works. It's... it's "Jeremy Bearimy." 107 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,683 I don't know what to tell you. That's the easiest way to describe it. 108 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,927 OK, but, um... 109 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,896 what the hell is this? The dot over the "I". 110 00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,939 - The hell is that? - OK, um... 111 00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,109 how do I explain this concisely? 112 00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,979 This is Tuesdays... 113 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,574 - and also July. - And sometimes it's never. 114 00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,784 That's true. Occasionally, that moment... 115 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:32,159 on the "Bearimy" timeline is the time-moment 116 00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,950 when nothing "never" occurs. 117 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,669 So... 118 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,546 you get it? 119 00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,788 This broke me, uh... 120 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,382 The dot over the "I". 121 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,883 That broke me, I'm... 122 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,087 I'm done. 123 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,722 You know what? I'm glad this whole thing happened 124 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,760 because now I can go back to living my life the way I used to 125 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:57,013 only caring about myself, because being good is pointless. 126 00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,941 - No, no. Ah, please, Eleanor, just... - No, thank you. I'm outtie. 127 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,142 See ya in hell. 128 00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,361 SHE GASPS You know what I just realised? 129 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,647 I always say that when leaving a room 130 00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,982 but right now, it's accurate! 131 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:12,112 I will literally see all of you in hell! 132 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,738 Not if I see you first! 133 00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,332 Let's go, Jason. 134 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,334 No, no, look, look! You guys, this is not over! 135 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,958 We have to stay together. Look, we'll figure something out! 136 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,211 Like, just one idea I had, I could kill all of you! 137 00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,294 That's my birthday. 138 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:35,802 Hey, buddy, it's my birthday. One free margarita please! 139 00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,353 Well, happy birthday! 140 00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:38,850 - Can I just see some ID? - No. 141 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,937 - Why not? - Well, because it's not really my birthday, 142 00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,188 I just want a free margarita. 143 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:47,021 Well, if I just randomly gave you a free drink, I'd have to do it for everyone. 144 00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,301 Pretty soon I'd go out of business. 145 00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,317 - SHE FAKE LAUGHS - Then don't do it for everyone. 146 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,743 Just do it for me because it's my birthday! 147 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,413 Happy Birthday. 148 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:59,409 Jason, I have an idea but... 149 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:00,753 It's a little risky. 150 00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,544 I need you to act as my bodyguard 151 00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,499 like my friend, Kevin Costner, in that movie where he was a bodyguard. 152 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,176 The Bodyguard. 153 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,881 No problem. My cousin once hired me to do crowd control 154 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,073 for his off-brand Sea World. 155 00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:14,841 Well, technically, it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish. 156 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,643 And instead of a killer whale, they killed a whale. 157 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,272 JASON: Excuse me, miss. 158 00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,691 We'd like to buy one opera, please! 159 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:29,068 Uh... what he means is "I would like to give two million dollars to the Sydney Opera". 160 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,069 Miss Al-Jamil, this is... 161 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,072 so generous. With a donation of that size 162 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,867 we will dedicate our rehearsal hall in your honour. 163 00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,038 Thank you, but no. 164 00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:42,209 Lovely as it sounds to add to my collection of wings and atria 165 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,831 the gift will be anonymous. 166 00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,959 As you wish. I'll draw up the papers. 167 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,963 Why don't you want your name on the opera house? 168 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,464 I love getting my name on stuff! 169 00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,096 In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named after me 170 00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,639 cos I kissed a bat on a dare. 171 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,802 Well, I was thinking about why I was sent to hell 172 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:02,434 as one is wont to do when one has recently been told that one had been sent to hell 173 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,854 and it occurred to me, I have always been held captive 174 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,689 by my desire for attention. 175 00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,729 Now that I know how it all ends 176 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,448 I just want to be virtuous, for virtue's sake. 177 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:13,949 JASON: That's beautiful. 178 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,452 I gotta say, though, if you want to do more charity 179 00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,805 I know a way that could be a lot of fun! 180 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,125 SHE CHUCKLES 181 00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,292 Hey. Do you wanna talk to God? 182 00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,674 "God is dead. 183 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,007 God remains dead. And we have killed him. 184 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,761 Who will wipe this blood off us? 185 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:39,801 What festivals of atonement, what sacred games shall we have to invent?" 186 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,098 Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882. 187 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,960 I was just trying to sell you some drugs and you made it weird. 188 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,517 SPRINKLERS CLICK INTO LIFE 189 00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,032 I've never written a manifesto before. 190 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,827 What are you gonna say? It'll be a complete account 191 00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,286 of everything we've learned 192 00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,005 from the beginning of my Neighbourhood to right now. 193 00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,582 - Mm... - And then a recommendation 194 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,301 of how we feel the afterlife could be improved. 195 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,130 When we turn ourselves in, we'll give it to the Judge 196 00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:18,681 and hopefully she'll read it. 197 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,471 We've failed, Janet. 198 00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:25,061 But maybe one day someone else will succeed. 199 00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,481 OK, so... 200 00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,152 A... 201 00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,065 Ma... 202 00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,444 ni... 203 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:34,905 fes... 204 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,402 to. 205 00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,202 By... 206 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,368 Mi... 207 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:41,870 Where's the "H"? 208 00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,132 - This keyboard doesn't have an "H". - Well... 209 00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,166 Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait... I see it. I see it. 210 00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,164 MICHAEL CHUCKLES 211 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,872 - Oh, no, no, no. Look what I did! - Yeah. 212 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,881 I wrote "Micahel". HE CHUCKLES 213 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,880 Oh, that's... OK, back, back, back, back, back. 214 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,927 Maybe you should dictate and I should type. 215 00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,141 Good call - JANET CHUCKLES 216 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,095 Just laying out some early details. 217 00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:04,972 Go ahead and start dictating. 218 00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,439 Look, there have to be rules. Every place has rules. 219 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,233 Ugh! Fine, here are my rules... 220 00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:15,237 Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want and you all just have to deal with it. 221 00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,944 Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies! 222 00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,858 There's way too many Spider-Man movies. 223 00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,202 Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-men. 224 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,206 SHE SLURPS 225 00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:26,199 Rule three, everyone leave me alone. 226 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,667 So you just take care of yourself 227 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,998 you don't owe anything to anyone else? HE CHUCKLES 228 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,047 If people lived that way, society would break down. 229 00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:35,629 Yeah! In America everyone does whatever they want 230 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,924 society did break down, it's terrible, and it's great! 231 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,679 You only look out for Number One 232 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,677 scream at whoever disagrees with you. 233 00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:45,342 There are no bees because they all died 234 00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,012 and if you need surgery you just beg for money on the internet. 235 00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,267 It's a perfect system! 236 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,519 Now get me another drink. Tomorrow's my birthday. 237 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:57,109 Well, well, well, a wallet. 238 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:58,824 SHE GASPS 239 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:03,118 My rules say I get to take the cash out and keep it, because in my society 240 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,116 I do whatever I want cos I'm awesome. 241 00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,210 Just take it. 242 00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,419 Take it, Eleanor. Just... 243 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,506 Ugh! 244 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,884 Alright, this is the address on the licence. That'll be 58 bucks. 245 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:22,304 Keep the meter running, as soon as I'm done here I'm gonna head to the airport 246 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,868 get the hell out of this trash country 247 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:26,555 where everyone is either a criminal or a spider. 248 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,396 Hello, ma'am. Is there a Fred Booth here? 249 00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:35,647 I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice thing and returning it, because I suck. 250 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,605 Sorry, he moved. I can give you his new address if you'd like? 251 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,985 Actually, I have some of his mail. 252 00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,115 If you're gonna go see him could you bring it along? 253 00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:46,745 Of course, I would love to bring some "rando" his mail. 254 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,785 Anything else you want me to schlep over? 255 00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,709 Well, this awesome day gets "awesomer." 256 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,880 Before the airport, we're heading to 78 Palmer Street. 257 00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:59,462 Ha! That's right next to the bar where I picked you up! 258 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,003 I feel like a bloody boomerang! HE LAUGHS 259 00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:03,804 Of course you do. 260 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,423 SHE FAKE LAUGHS 261 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,231 - Uh... - Hello. 262 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,692 Sir, you, uh... can't shop here without a shirt. 263 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,078 Oh. 264 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,373 Sir, that'll be 880 dollars. 265 00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:40,753 Here's my credit card. 266 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,260 Why don't you just charge it, and keep it forever? 267 00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,967 And, also, here's the keys to my car. 268 00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,787 Wait, do you guys have, like, a "take a car, leave a car" tray? 269 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,886 No? You know, just take it. Just take it. 270 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,932 Excuse me, sir? Would you like some free money? 271 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,814 Now you can buy fingers for your gloves. 272 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,028 Hello, Madam. Are you poor? 273 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,364 Here's 5,000 dollars for a new stroller. 274 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,490 Have a nice day! 275 00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,910 You don't have to say the "are you poor?" part. 276 00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:08,912 Right. 277 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,199 Hello! Here's some money. 278 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,412 - Here you go. - Hello. 279 00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,706 VIOLIN PLAYS Here you go. 280 00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,499 Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar. 281 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,587 This was a truly great plan. 282 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:19,754 Ah, thanks. 283 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:23,796 Man, there are so many times that just this amount of money 284 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,260 would have changed my life. 285 00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,345 I could have paid my rent. 286 00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,048 I could've gone to a real doctor 287 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,930 instead of pretending I was a big dog so I could go to the vet. 288 00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,683 You know, that gives me an idea. 289 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,294 Which I suppose, one could argue means 290 00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,980 that anything could've given me an idea. 291 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,653 Come with me. 292 00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,487 I'm sorry, Miss Al-Jamil 293 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,406 but I just don't feel comfortable 294 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,608 processing this request. 295 00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,493 - Why not? - Well, it just seems a bit... odd 296 00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,698 to transfer the totality of your account 297 00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:57,580 131 million British pounds to the account of... 298 00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,171 this person... 299 00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,958 a man who is so flagrantly ignoring the "one lollipop per customer" rule. 300 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:07,507 No, I walked out and back in each time, so I'm "different" customers. 301 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,882 We're technically supposed to shut down the bank 302 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,183 if anyone from Florida even walks in. 303 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,850 Look, all my life this money has been a weight around my neck. 304 00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:20,107 Like the Heart of the Ocean necklace my friend James Cameron once gave me. 305 00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,643 I don't want the money. My friend Jason does. 306 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,444 I would like to give it to him. 307 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,193 If it's easier, you can just put it on a Game Stop gift card. 308 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,654 That does not make it "easier." 309 00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,618 I can't help you. I'm sorry. 310 00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:36,833 - G'day. - Fred? 311 00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,251 My name is Eleanor Shellstrop. I have all your crap. 312 00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,879 - Thank you! - And your wallet. 313 00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,460 Oh, my goodness! 314 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,589 - Thank you so much! - It was nothing. 315 00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:51,801 Dude, I didn't take your money. I would never even think of doing that. 316 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,598 No, no, no, I'm not worried about that. 317 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,680 Ah, here it is. 318 00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,350 I started a new job a few months ago and... 319 00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,022 I got really nervous. 320 00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:04,523 So my daughter Carolyn drew this for me, to make me feel better. 321 00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:05,986 Ah, it's my good luck charm. 322 00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:09,106 Every time I'm stressed at work now, I just have to look at this 323 00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,903 and I feel... 324 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:11,952 you know... safe. 325 00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,371 Look, a lot of people wouldn't have tried so hard to get this to me. 326 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,656 You are a good person, Eleanor. 327 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,951 I really hope my daughter turns out like you when she grows up. 328 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,045 HE CHUCKLES 329 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,252 - Are you alright? - No, you shut up! 330 00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,750 Sorry. It's been a weird day. 331 00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,589 ♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and eat them both up ♪ 332 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:37,142 ♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot, and add the M&Ms ♪ 333 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:41,772 You put the Peeps in the chili pot, It makes it taste... bad! 334 00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,353 HE CLEARS HIS THROAT I'm gonna eat all this chili 335 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,857 and/or die trying. 336 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,358 Anyone want any? 337 00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,281 I'm just gonna put it right down here. 338 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,776 Come on. Dip your balls in my chili. 339 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,370 Scoop your little mittens right in the stew. 340 00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,663 STUDENT: Professor? 341 00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:00,741 I can see that you're going through something, but exams are next week. 342 00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,747 So can you teach us anything? 343 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,828 Alright, nerd. 344 00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,293 You want to learn something? I'll teach you something. 345 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,499 I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life. 346 00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,134 How do ya like them apples? 347 00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:15,222 Now over the last, 25 hundred years 348 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:20,185 Western philosophers have formed three main theories on how to live an ethical life. 349 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,847 Now first off, there's "virtue ethics." 350 00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,688 Aristotle believed that there were certain virtues 351 00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,860 of mind and character, like courage... 352 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:33,358 or generosity, and you should try to develop yourself in accordance with those virtues. 353 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,408 The gift will be anonymous. 354 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,820 Next, there's consequentialism. 355 00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:41,790 The basis for judgment about whether something is right or wrong 356 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,998 stems from the consequences of that action. 357 00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,088 How much utility, or good, did it accomplish 358 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,086 versus how much pain, or bad. 359 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,338 And finally, there's deontology - 360 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:57,598 the school of thought that there are strict rules and duties that everyone must adhere to 361 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:58,966 in a functioning society. 362 00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:02,553 Being ethical is simply identifying and obeying those duties 363 00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,513 and following those rules. 364 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,450 But here's the thing, my little chili babies 365 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,439 all three of those theories are hot, stinky, cat "dookie". 366 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,987 The true meaning of life 367 00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:16,283 the actual ethical system that you should all follow 368 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,572 is nihilism. 369 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:21,038 The world is empty. 370 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:24,291 There is no point to anything 371 00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,917 and you're just gonna die. 372 00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,170 So do whatever! 373 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:32,792 And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow candy chili in silence 374 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:37,175 and you all can jump up your own butts. 375 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,223 - Is that going to be on the test? - Yes. 376 00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:41,810 And no. 377 00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,015 And you all get "A"s or "F"s. 378 00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,516 And there is no test. 379 00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,514 And you all failed it, and you all got "A"s. 380 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:48,858 Who cares? 381 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,354 Goodbye. 382 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,567 IN A GROANING VOICE: Good-byeeeeeeee. 383 00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,453 Cool lecture. 384 00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,411 And cooler shirt. 385 00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:04,291 Feeling alright? 386 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,500 I feel fine. 387 00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,538 - Mm... - I do have a stomach ache. 388 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,537 Why do I always have a stomach ache? 389 00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:13,290 Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chilli, bro, this one's on you. 390 00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,422 Look, I know the future seems bleak 391 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,003 but I have a plan. 392 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,472 Come with me. 393 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,600 Nah-ah-ah! Leave that chilli, weirdo. 394 00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:30,524 A complete account of every single thing we've done and learned. 395 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:34,938 I added all the data we've gathered here on Earth, in chart and graph form. 396 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:39,571 And I added a pretty tasty little recipe for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough. 397 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,700 SHE CHUCKLES - MICHAEL: Ha! 398 00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:45,072 Maybe someone, someday, can learn from our mistakes 399 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:49,243 and enact real change in the process of judging people. 400 00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,171 But, for now Janet, old friend 401 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,794 we are going to enjoy our time on Earth 402 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,501 before we're retired. 403 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,131 - Hm. - So, let's get started. 404 00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:00,716 I know it's touristy 405 00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,640 but I'd really like to visit a lens crafters. 406 00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,558 JANET: Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs. 407 00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,686 MICHAEL GASPS Hey, guys! 408 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,522 It... it's really nice to see you, um... 409 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,315 is everything OK? 410 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,443 Other than, you know... everything? 411 00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,237 We've started to accept our fates. 412 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,314 It's all chilli under the bridge. 413 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,150 JASON: Oh, good. You're all here. 414 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,364 Big news everyone! 415 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,162 - We got married! - We got tacos! 416 00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,617 Oh, oh yeah. We got married and then after we got married 417 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,828 - we got tacos! - Wow! 418 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,747 Wow, that's crazy! JANET SIGHS WEAKLY 419 00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,628 Well, it's strictly platonic, of course. 420 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,341 We only did it so I could legally give Jason half my money. 421 00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,138 We just popped over to the British Embassy and signed the papers. 422 00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,558 That's insane, but it's also, like... 423 00:19:47,061 --> 00:19:49,849 the eleventh most insane thing to happen today, so... 424 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,189 who cares? I need everyone to focus up. 425 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,190 So, the four of us... 426 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,403 the six of us, really, are doomed. 427 00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,530 Our fates are sealed. 428 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,441 But I think we have one move left. 429 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:04,527 We can try. 430 00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,487 Try what? 431 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:08,575 Try to do good. 432 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,376 That stupid little voice in my head told me to do something good today 433 00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,542 and it was so annoying 434 00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:18,169 but it also made a dork and his very untalented daughter super happy. 435 00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:22,837 Me trying, just a little bit, put some good out into the world. 436 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:26,260 The six of us are not getting in to the Good Place. 437 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,726 But there are still people in this world that we care about 438 00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,730 so I say we try and help them be good people. 439 00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,102 Try and help them get in. 440 00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,562 I mean, why not try? 441 00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,484 It's better than not trying, right? 442 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,437 That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor. 443 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,568 Let's try. 444 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,278 - I'm in. - I'm in too. 445 00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:47,618 I'm gonna remember this day forever because of your dope speech. 446 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,738 And also because of the great tacos I had 447 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,640 and also because I got married and I found out I was going to hell 448 00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:55,272 - and also I became a hundred millionaire. - Alright, we get it. We get it. 449 00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,958 It goes without saying that we're in. 450 00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,789 Let's say it anyway. 451 00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,837 - We're i... Alright, you go. - We're... 452 00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,919 - We're i... - We're in! We're just so excited. 453 00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,180 We're in! 454 00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:08,094 What do you say, bud? You want to join the soul squad? 455 00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,516 Try to save some souls? 456 00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,760 Yeah, I'm in. 457 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,644 But first, I have to go to the bathroom forever. 458 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:17,770 There you are, my love! 459 00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:21,194 I was just on my way to the MRI lab, thought I heard your voice. 460 00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,697 Ready to go to the airport? Start our lives together? 461 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,827 Go ahead Tahani, we're rolling. 35945

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