1
00:00:05,464 --> 00:00:06,705
What the hell is that?

2
00:00:07,257 --> 00:00:09,123
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Oh! Hey, guys.

3
00:00:09,593 --> 00:00:10,925
What are you doing down here?

4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:13,048
Well, we came to get more champagne

5
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,255
which is right behind... that magic door.

6
00:00:19,394 --> 00:00:21,431
- What door?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's going on?

7
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,680
Who are you, and why were you
talking about us?

8
00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:26,312
And what's the "good place,"
and what are "afterlife points"

9
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,101
and who has the most and... is it me?

10
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:31,191
Wait a second, I know this guy!
You're Zack Pizazz!

11
00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:32,772
He got me here from Jacksonville.

12
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:36,067
No, this is the librarian,
from the University.

13
00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:39,745
Well, I know him as Gordon Indigo,
a very rude Silicon Valley investor.

14
00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,284
MICHAEL CHUCKLES
Alright, guys.

15
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:44,417
I can explain everything.
Just give me one second, OK?

16
00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:46,745
How do we get out of this?

17
00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:49,581
Well, they heard us explaining
the entire system of the afterlife

18
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,839
and they saw an interdimensional door
open and close, so...

19
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:54,844
not a ton of wiggle room here.

20
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:58,302
But, you're forgetting one crucial piece
of information.

21
00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,394
Right?

22
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,415
I mean, you're forgetting one crucial piece
of information, that'll save us?

23
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:08,479
Yo! Buddy! You have like three seconds
to explain this crazy space door

24
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,969
or Chidi here is gonna beat you up!

25
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,936
- Yes!
- Oh, no... I'm... I'm... I'm not

26
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:14,530
but I would like to know
about the space door.

27
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:18,868
Alright. I don't know what choice we have.
I'll tell you the truth.

28
00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,535
My name is Special Agent Rick Justice.

29
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:25,457
And this is Lisa "Frenchy" Fuqua.

30
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:29,751
We're with the FBI,
and all of you are in grave danger.

31
00:01:32,050 --> 00:01:33,050
I knew it.

32
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:43,301
Agent Fuqua and I are...
paranormal investigators.

33
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,136
We're here to protect you from...

34
00:01:46,273 --> 00:01:49,812
demons. No, wait, that's real... um...
ghouls... ghouls!

35
00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:53,315
We're here to protect you from ghouls.
Now I had to appear...

36
00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:55,613
in different disguises to keep tabs on you

37
00:01:55,741 --> 00:01:58,449
but you are all involved together...

38
00:01:58,535 --> 00:01:59,992
in this FBI case.

39
00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:02,320
ELEANOR SNIGGERS
- No, we can... we can... prove this.

40
00:02:02,748 --> 00:02:04,660
We have detailed files on all of you.

41
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,286
- Ask Janet anything.
- JANET GASPS

42
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,954
- Who's Janet?
- "Frenchy".

43
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,960
JANET WHISPERS: Frenchy.
- HE SCOFFS: Sorry...

44
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,130
"Frenchy's" nickname is Janet.

45
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:13,695
I thought her nickname was "Frenchy".

46
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,134
It is.

47
00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:16,968
That's why they call her...

48
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:20,263
- Lisa "Double Nickname" Fuqua.
- Mm-hm.

49
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:24,725
OK. Guys, I used to work at a place
that was raided by the FBI pretty frequently.

50
00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:29,227
I know a Fed when I see one
and these two "jamokes" are not FBI, OK?

51
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:31,067
Who are you?

52
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,476
- Really.
- Fine, fine, fine.

53
00:02:33,612 --> 00:02:35,979
- Just give me one more second.
- One.

54
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,567
- Serious question?
- Yep?

55
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,441
- Should we kill them?
- What?

56
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:40,660
It might work!

57
00:02:41,328 --> 00:02:42,910
We kill them, go back through the door

58
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,488
somehow grab them
before they get to the Bad Place

59
00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,953
and regroup from there.
I could kill them right now.

60
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:51,036
And you know, it would be easy.
Their bodies are very poorly made.

61
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,995
They're mostly goo and juice.

62
00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:55,165
You just take the juice out
and then they're dead.

63
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:56,342
Michael...

64
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:58,463
they've seen through the door
into the afterlife

65
00:02:58,553 --> 00:03:00,010
and they heard how it works.

66
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,717
SHE SIGHS
It's over.

67
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,599
Ah...

68
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,481
Fine.

69
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,175
Guess, I'll start at the beginning.

70
00:03:14,361 --> 00:03:15,693
You all died.

71
00:03:22,661 --> 00:03:24,072
Well, this sucks.

72
00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:26,329
So, to sum up...

73
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:29,370
there is a heaven and hell

74
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,788
we've been to hell and...

75
00:03:32,587 --> 00:03:35,250
now, no matter how good we are
for the rest of our lives

76
00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,252
we're going back to hell.

77
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,134
Again, it's not the classic
Christian "hell", but...

78
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,462
that's the gist, yes.

79
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,806
As soon as you learned about the afterlife

80
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:48,726
your motivation to be good was corrupted...

81
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,182
so you can't earn points anymore.

82
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:55,107
So sorry for eternally dooming you.

83
00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,934
And that's our bad, guys.

84
00:03:57,028 --> 00:03:58,894
So, all the attempts you made to...

85
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:03,362
torture us, we must have been
in the afterlife for a hundred years.

86
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,159
Almost three hundred, actually.

87
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,265
Well, how is it possible that all these
things happened to us

88
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,391
but no time passed on Earth?

89
00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:10,748
Did you go back in time to save us?

90
00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:12,499
Uh, I didn't have to

91
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,578
because of "Jeremy Bearimy".

92
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,413
Who's Jeremy Bearimy?

93
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:21,709
OK, things in the afterlife don't happen

94
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:24,302
"while" things are happening here

95
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:28,053
because while time on Earth moves
in a straight line

96
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,386
one thing happens, then the next,
then the next...

97
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:35,815
Time in the afterlife moves
in a "Jeremy Bearimy."

98
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,308
What?

99
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:41,988
The afterlife time doubles back and loops
around and ends up looking something, like...

100
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:44,736
"Jeremy Bearimy".

101
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,489
This is the timeline in the afterlife.

102
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:51,827
Happens to kinda look like the name
"Jeremy Bearimy" in cursive English

103
00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:53,579
so that's what we call it.

104
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:56,669
Sorry, I'm... my brain is melting.

105
00:04:56,755 --> 00:05:03,218
How can events happen before
the ones that happened... before?

106
00:05:03,678 --> 00:05:07,217
Just the way it works. It's...
it's "Jeremy Bearimy."

107
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,683
I don't know what to tell you.
That's the easiest way to describe it.

108
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,927
OK, but, um...

109
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,896
what the hell is this?
The dot over the "I".

110
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:17,939
- The hell is that?
- OK, um...

111
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,109
how do I explain this concisely?

112
00:05:20,362 --> 00:05:22,979
This is Tuesdays...

113
00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,574
- and also July.
- And sometimes it's never.

114
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,784
That's true.
Occasionally, that moment...

115
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:32,159
on the "Bearimy" timeline
is the time-moment

116
00:05:32,207 --> 00:05:34,950
when nothing "never" occurs.

117
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,669
So...

118
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,546
you get it?

119
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:40,788
This broke me, uh...

120
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,382
The dot over the "I".

121
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,883
That broke me, I'm...

122
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:47,087
I'm done.

123
00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,722
You know what?
I'm glad this whole thing happened

124
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:53,760
because now I can go back to living
my life the way I used to

125
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:57,013
only caring about myself,
because being good is pointless.

126
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,941
- No, no. Ah, please, Eleanor, just...
- No, thank you. I'm outtie.

127
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,142
See ya in hell.

128
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,361
SHE GASPS
You know what I just realised?

129
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,647
I always say that when leaving a room

130
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:07,982
but right now, it's accurate!

131
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:12,112
I will literally see all of you in hell!

132
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:13,738
Not if I see you first!

133
00:06:14,332 --> 00:06:15,332
Let's go, Jason.

134
00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:18,334
No, no, look, look!
You guys, this is not over!

135
00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:20,958
We have to stay together.
Look, we'll figure something out!

136
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,211
Like, just one idea I had,
I could kill all of you!

137
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,294
That's my birthday.

138
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:35,802
Hey, buddy, it's my birthday.
One free margarita please!

139
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:37,353
Well, happy birthday!

140
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:38,850
- Can I just see some ID?
- No.

141
00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:41,937
- Why not?
- Well, because it's not really my birthday,

142
00:06:42,027 --> 00:06:43,188
I just want a free margarita.

143
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:47,021
Well, if I just randomly gave you
a free drink, I'd have to do it for everyone.

144
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:48,301
Pretty soon I'd go out of business.

145
00:06:48,325 --> 00:06:50,317
- SHE FAKE LAUGHS
- Then don't do it for everyone.

146
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,743
Just do it for me
because it's my birthday!

147
00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:54,413
Happy Birthday.

148
00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:59,409
Jason, I have an idea but...

149
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:00,753
It's a little risky.

150
00:07:00,837 --> 00:07:02,544
I need you to act as my bodyguard

151
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,499
like my friend, Kevin Costner,
in that movie where <i>he</i> was a bodyguard.

152
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,176
<i>The Bodyguard.</i>

153
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,881
No problem. My cousin once hired me
to do crowd control

154
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,073
for his off-brand Sea World.

155
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:14,841
Well, technically, it was just a bunch
of kiddie pools full of jellyfish.

156
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,643
And instead of a killer whale,
they killed a whale.

157
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,272
JASON:
Excuse me, miss.

158
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,691
We'd like to buy one opera, please!

159
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:29,068
Uh... what he means is "I would like to give
two million dollars to the Sydney Opera".

160
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,069
Miss Al-Jamil, this is...

161
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:34,072
so generous.
With a donation of that size

162
00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,867
we will dedicate our rehearsal hall
in your honour.

163
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,038
Thank you, but no.

164
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:42,209
Lovely as it sounds to add to my collection
of wings and atria

165
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,831
the gift will be anonymous.

166
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,959
As you wish. I'll draw up the papers.

167
00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:49,963
Why don't you want your name
on the opera house?

168
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,464
I love getting my name on stuff!

169
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:54,096
In Jacksonville, I got a flu virus named
after me

170
00:07:54,182 --> 00:07:55,639
cos I kissed a bat on a dare.

171
00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,802
Well, I was thinking about
why I was sent to hell

172
00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:02,434
as one is wont to do when one has recently
been told that one had been sent to hell

173
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,854
and it occurred to me,
I have always been held captive

174
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,689
by my desire for attention.

175
00:08:08,238 --> 00:08:09,729
Now that I know how it all ends

176
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,448
I just want to be virtuous,
for virtue's sake.

177
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:13,949
JASON:
That's beautiful.

178
00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:16,452
I gotta say, though,
if you want to do more charity

179
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:18,805
I know a way that could be a lot of fun!

180
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:21,125
SHE CHUCKLES

181
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,292
Hey. Do you wanna talk to God?

182
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:28,674
"God is dead.

183
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:31,007
God remains dead.
And we have killed him.

184
00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:33,761
Who will wipe this blood off us?

185
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:39,801
What festivals of atonement,
what sacred games shall we have to invent?"

186
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,098
Friedrich Nietzsche, 1882.

187
00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,960
I was just trying to sell you some drugs
and you made it weird.

188
00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:47,517
SPRINKLERS CLICK INTO LIFE

189
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,032
I've never written a manifesto before.

190
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,827
What are you gonna say?
It'll be a complete account

191
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,286
of everything we've learned

192
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,005
from the beginning
of my Neighbourhood to right now.

193
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,582
- Mm...
- And then a recommendation

194
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:14,301
of how we feel
the afterlife could be improved.

195
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,130
When we turn ourselves in,
we'll give it to the Judge

196
00:09:17,474 --> 00:09:18,681
and hopefully she'll read it.

197
00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,471
We've failed, Janet.

198
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:25,061
But maybe one day someone else will succeed.

199
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:27,481
OK, so...

200
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:30,152
A...

201
00:09:31,029 --> 00:09:32,065
Ma...

202
00:09:32,363 --> 00:09:33,444
ni...

203
00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:34,905
fes...

204
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:36,402
to.

205
00:09:37,202 --> 00:09:38,202
By...

206
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,368
Mi...

207
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:41,870
Where's the "H"?

208
00:09:42,332 --> 00:09:44,132
- This keyboard doesn't have an "H".
- Well...

209
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,166
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait...
I see it. I see it.

210
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,164
MICHAEL CHUCKLES

211
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,872
- Oh, no, no, no. Look what I did!
- Yeah.

212
00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,881
I wrote "Micahel".
HE CHUCKLES

213
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:55,880
Oh, that's...
OK, back, back, back, back, back.

214
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,927
Maybe you should dictate and I should type.

215
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,141
Good call
- JANET CHUCKLES

216
00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,095
Just laying out some early details.

217
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:04,972
Go ahead and start dictating.

218
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:09,439
Look, there have to be rules.
Every place has rules.

219
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,233
Ugh! Fine, here are my rules...

220
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:15,237
Rule number one, I get to do whatever I want
and you all just have to deal with it.

221
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:17,944
Rule two, no more Spider-Man movies!

222
00:10:17,992 --> 00:10:19,858
There's way too many Spider-Man movies.

223
00:10:19,994 --> 00:10:22,202
Too many dorky little twerpy Spider-men.

224
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,206
SHE SLURPS

225
00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:26,199
Rule three, everyone leave me alone.

226
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,667
So you just take care of yourself

227
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,998
you don't owe anything to anyone else?
HE CHUCKLES

228
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:33,047
If people lived that way,
society would break down.

229
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:35,629
Yeah! In America everyone does
whatever they want

230
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,924
society did break down, it's terrible,
and it's great!

231
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,679
You only look out for Number One

232
00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,677
scream at whoever disagrees with you.

233
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:45,342
There are no bees because they all died

234
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:48,012
and if you need surgery
you just beg for money on the internet.

235
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,267
It's a perfect system!

236
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:51,519
Now get me another drink.
Tomorrow's my birthday.

237
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:57,109
Well, well, well, a wallet.

238
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:58,824
SHE GASPS

239
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:03,118
My rules say I get to take the cash out
and keep it, because in my society

240
00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,116
I do whatever I want cos I'm awesome.

241
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,210
Just take it.

242
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:12,419
Take it, Eleanor. Just...

243
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,506
Ugh!

244
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,884
Alright, this is the address on the licence.
That'll be 58 bucks.

245
00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:22,304
Keep the meter running, as soon as I'm done
here I'm gonna head to the airport

246
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,868
get the hell out of this trash country

247
00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:26,555
where everyone is either
a criminal or a spider.

248
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,396
Hello, ma'am.
Is there a Fred Booth here?

249
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:35,647
I found his wallet, and now I'm doing a nice
thing and returning it, because I suck.

250
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,605
Sorry, he moved. I can give you his new
address if you'd like?

251
00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:40,985
Actually, I have some of his mail.

252
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,115
If you're gonna go see him
could you bring it along?

253
00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:46,745
Of course, I would love
to bring some "rando" his mail.

254
00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:48,785
Anything else you want me to schlep over?

255
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:52,709
Well, this awesome day gets "awesomer."

256
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,880
Before the airport, we're heading
to 78 Palmer Street.

257
00:11:57,175 --> 00:11:59,462
Ha! That's right next to the bar
where I picked you up!

258
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,003
I feel like a bloody boomerang!
HE LAUGHS

259
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:03,804
Of course you do.

260
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,423
SHE FAKE LAUGHS

261
00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,231
- Uh...
- Hello.

262
00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:24,692
Sir, you, uh... can't shop here
without a shirt.

263
00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,078
Oh.

264
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,373
Sir, that'll be 880 dollars.

265
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:40,753
Here's my credit card.

266
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,260
Why don't you just charge it,
and keep it forever?

267
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,967
And, also, here's the keys to my car.

268
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:48,787
Wait, do you guys have, like,
a "take a car, leave a car" tray?

269
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,886
No? You know, just take it. Just take it.

270
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,932
Excuse me, sir?
Would you like some free money?

271
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,814
Now you can buy fingers for your gloves.

272
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:02,028
Hello, Madam. Are you poor?

273
00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,364
Here's 5,000 dollars for a new stroller.

274
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,490
Have a nice day!

275
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,910
You don't have to say
the "are you poor?" part.

276
00:13:07,954 --> 00:13:08,912
Right.

277
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,199
Hello! Here's some money.

278
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,412
- Here you go.
- Hello.

279
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,706
VIOLIN PLAYS
Here you go.

280
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:14,499
Now you can buy a bigger chin guitar.

281
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,587
This was a truly great plan.

282
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:19,754
Ah, thanks.

283
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:23,796
Man, there are so many times
that just this amount of money

284
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,260
would have changed my life.

285
00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,345
I could have paid my rent.

286
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:29,048
I could've gone to a real doctor

287
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,930
instead of pretending
I was a big dog so I could go to the vet.

288
00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:35,683
You know, that gives me an idea.

289
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,294
Which I suppose, one could argue means

290
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,980
that anything could've given me an idea.

291
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:41,653
Come with me.

292
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,487
I'm sorry, Miss Al-Jamil

293
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,406
but I just don't feel comfortable

294
00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:47,608
processing this request.

295
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,493
- Why not?
- Well, it just seems a bit... odd

296
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,698
to transfer the totality of your account

297
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:57,580
131 million British pounds
to the account of...

298
00:13:58,171 --> 00:13:59,171
this person...

299
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,958
a man who is so flagrantly ignoring
the "one lollipop per customer" rule.

300
00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:07,507
No, I walked out and back in each time,
so I'm "different" customers.

301
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,882
We're technically supposed to shut down
the bank

302
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,183
if anyone from Florida even walks in.

303
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,850
Look, all my life this money has been
a weight around my neck.

304
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:20,107
Like the Heart of the Ocean necklace
my friend James Cameron once gave me.

305
00:14:20,777 --> 00:14:22,643
I don't want the money.
My friend Jason does.

306
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,444
I would like to give it to him.

307
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,193
If it's easier, you can just put it
on a Game Stop gift card.

308
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,654
That does not make it "easier."

309
00:14:30,036 --> 00:14:31,618
I can't help you. I'm sorry.

310
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:36,833
- G'day.
- Fred?

311
00:14:37,043 --> 00:14:39,251
My name is Eleanor Shellstrop.
I have all your crap.

312
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:42,879
- Thank you!
- And your wallet.

313
00:14:43,174 --> 00:14:44,460
Oh, my goodness!

314
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,589
- Thank you so much!
- It was nothing.

315
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:51,801
Dude, I didn't take your money.
I would never even think of doing that.

316
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,598
No, no, no, I'm not worried about that.

317
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,680
Ah, here it is.

318
00:14:57,313 --> 00:14:59,350
I started a new job
a few months ago and...

319
00:14:59,941 --> 00:15:01,022
I got really nervous.

320
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:04,523
So my daughter Carolyn drew this for me,
to make me feel better.

321
00:15:04,654 --> 00:15:05,986
Ah, it's my good luck charm.

322
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:09,106
Every time I'm stressed at work now,
I just have to look at this

323
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:10,903
and I feel...

324
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:11,952
you know... safe.

325
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:15,371
Look, a lot of people wouldn't
have tried so hard to get this to me.

326
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,656
You are a good person, Eleanor.

327
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,951
I really hope my daughter turns out
like you when she grows up.

328
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,045
HE CHUCKLES

329
00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,252
- Are you alright?
- No, <i>you</i> shut up!

330
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:27,750
Sorry. It's been a weird day.

331
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:33,589
<i>♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot,
and eat them both up ♪</i>

332
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:37,142
<i>♪ You put the Peeps in the chilipot,
and add the MandMs ♪</i>

333
00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:41,772
You put the Peeps in the chili pot,
It makes it taste... bad!

334
00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:44,353
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
I'm gonna eat all this chili

335
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:47,857
and/or die trying.

336
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,358
Anyone want any?

337
00:15:49,449 --> 00:15:51,281
I'm just gonna put it right down here.

338
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:53,776
Come on. Dip your balls in my chili.

339
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,370
Scoop your little mittens right in the stew.

340
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:57,663
STUDENT:
Professor?

341
00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:00,741
I can see that you're going through
something, but exams are next week.

342
00:16:00,835 --> 00:16:02,747
So can you teach us anything?

343
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,828
Alright, nerd.

344
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,293
You want to learn something?
I'll teach you something.

345
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,499
I'm gonna teach you the meaning of life.

346
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,134
How do ya like them apples?

347
00:16:11,262 --> 00:16:15,222
Now over the last, 25 hundred years

348
00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:20,185
Western philosophers have formed three
main theories on how to live an ethical life.

349
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,847
Now first off, there's "virtue ethics."

350
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:26,688
Aristotle believed that there were
certain virtues

351
00:16:26,777 --> 00:16:28,860
of mind and character, like courage...

352
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:33,358
or generosity, and you should try to develop
yourself in accordance with those virtues.

353
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,408
The gift will be anonymous.

354
00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:37,820
Next, there's consequentialism.

355
00:16:38,206 --> 00:16:41,790
The basis for judgment about whether
something is right or wrong

356
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,998
stems from the consequences of that action.

357
00:16:45,129 --> 00:16:48,088
How much utility, or good, did it accomplish

358
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,086
versus how much pain, or bad.

359
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,338
And finally, there's deontology -

360
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:57,598
the school of thought that there are strict
rules and duties that everyone must adhere to

361
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:58,966
in a functioning society.

362
00:16:59,060 --> 00:17:02,553
Being ethical is simply identifying
and obeying those duties

363
00:17:02,772 --> 00:17:04,513
and following those rules.

364
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,450
But here's the thing, my little chili babies

365
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,439
all three of those theories are hot,
stinky, cat "dookie".

366
00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,987
The true meaning of life

367
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:16,283
the actual ethical system
that you should all follow

368
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:17,572
is nihilism.

369
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:21,038
The world is empty.

370
00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:24,291
There is no point to anything

371
00:17:24,335 --> 00:17:25,917
and you're just gonna die.

372
00:17:26,963 --> 00:17:28,170
So do whatever!

373
00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:32,792
And now, I'm gonna eat my marshmallow
candy chili in silence

374
00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:37,175
and you all can jump up your own butts.

375
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,223
- Is that going to be on the test?
- Yes.

376
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:41,810
And no.

377
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,015
And you all get "A"s or "F"s.

378
00:17:44,355 --> 00:17:45,516
And there is no test.

379
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:47,514
And you all failed it,
and you all got "A"s.

380
00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:48,858
Who cares?

381
00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:50,354
Goodbye.

382
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:54,567
IN A GROANING VOICE:
Good-byeeeeeeee.

383
00:17:59,453 --> 00:18:00,453
Cool lecture.

384
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:02,411
And cooler shirt.

385
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:04,291
Feeling alright?

386
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:05,500
I feel fine.

387
00:18:05,626 --> 00:18:07,538
- Mm...
- I do have a stomach ache.

388
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:10,537
Why do I always have a stomach ache?

389
00:18:10,673 --> 00:18:13,290
Well, you just ate 50 pounds of chilli, bro,
this one's on you.

390
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:16,422
Look, I know the future seems bleak

391
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,003
but I have a plan.

392
00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:19,472
Come with me.

393
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:23,600
Nah-ah-ah! Leave that chilli, weirdo.

394
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:30,524
A complete account of every single thing
we've done and learned.

395
00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:34,938
I added all the data we've gathered
here on Earth, in chart and graph form.

396
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:39,571
And I added a pretty tasty little recipe
for cinnamon rolls made out of pizza dough.

397
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,700
SHE CHUCKLES
- MICHAEL: Ha!

398
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:45,072
Maybe someone, someday,
can learn from our mistakes

399
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:49,243
and enact real change in the process
of judging people.

400
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,171
But, for now Janet, old friend

401
00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:55,794
we are going to enjoy our time on Earth

402
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,501
before we're retired.

403
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,131
- Hm.
- So, let's get started.

404
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:00,716
I know it's touristy

405
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,640
but I'd really like to visit
a lens crafters.

406
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:05,558
JANET:
Ooh, and I'd like to get bangs.

407
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,686
MICHAEL GASPS
Hey, guys!

408
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:10,522
It... it's really nice to see you, um...

409
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,315
is everything OK?

410
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,443
Other than, you know... everything?

411
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:17,237
We've started to accept our fates.

412
00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:19,314
It's all chilli under the bridge.

413
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:22,150
JASON:
Oh, good. You're all here.

414
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:23,364
Big news everyone!

415
00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:26,162
- We got married!
- We got tacos!

416
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,617
Oh, oh yeah. We got married
and then after we got married

417
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,828
- we got tacos!
- Wow!

418
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,747
Wow, that's crazy!
JANET SIGHS WEAKLY

419
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,628
Well, it's strictly platonic, of course.

420
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:41,341
We only did it so I could legally give Jason
half my money.

421
00:19:41,555 --> 00:19:44,138
We just popped over to the British Embassy
and signed the papers.

422
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,558
That's insane, but it's also, like...

423
00:19:47,061 --> 00:19:49,849
the eleventh most insane thing
to happen today, so...

424
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,189
who cares?
I need everyone to focus up.

425
00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,190
So, the four of us...

426
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,403
the six of us, really, are doomed.

427
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,530
Our fates are sealed.

428
00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:02,441
But I think we have one move left.

429
00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:04,527
We can try.

430
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,487
Try what?

431
00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:08,575
Try to do good.

432
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,376
That stupid little voice in my head
told me to do something good today

433
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:13,542
and it was so annoying

434
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:18,169
but it also made a dork and his very
untalented daughter super happy.

435
00:20:19,093 --> 00:20:22,837
Me trying, just a little bit,
put some good out into the world.

436
00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:26,260
The six of us are not getting in
to the Good Place.

437
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,726
But there are still people in this world
that we care about

438
00:20:30,020 --> 00:20:33,730
so I say we try and help <i>them</i>
be good people.

439
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,102
Try and help them get in.

440
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:36,562
I mean, why not try?

441
00:20:36,652 --> 00:20:38,484
It's better than not trying, right?

442
00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:40,437
That's a lovely sentiment, Eleanor.

443
00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:42,568
Let's try.

444
00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:44,278
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.

445
00:20:45,035 --> 00:20:47,618
I'm gonna remember this day forever
because of your dope speech.

446
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:49,738
And also because of the great tacos I had

447
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,640
and also because I got married
and I found out I was going to hell

448
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:55,272
- and also I became a hundred millionaire.
- Alright, we get it. We get it.

449
00:20:55,296 --> 00:20:56,958
It goes without saying
that we're in.

450
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,789
Let's say it anyway.

451
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:00,837
- We're i... Alright, you go.
- We're...

452
00:21:01,051 --> 00:21:03,919
- We're i...
- We're in! We're just so excited.

453
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:05,180
We're in!

454
00:21:05,556 --> 00:21:08,094
What do you say, bud?
You want to join the soul squad?

455
00:21:08,184 --> 00:21:09,516
Try to save some souls?

456
00:21:10,144 --> 00:21:11,760
Yeah, I'm in.

457
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:15,644
But first, I have to go
to the bathroom forever.

458
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:17,770
There you are, my love!

459
00:21:18,486 --> 00:21:21,194
I was just on my way to the MRI lab,
thought I heard your voice.

460
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:24,697
Ready to go to the airport?
Start our lives together?

461
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,827
Go ahead Tahani, we're rolling.