All language subtitles for Abbott.Elementary.S04E09.1080p.WEB.h264-ETHEL.Hi

Finally, the district has started
a new community initiative

that sends volunteers
out to all the schools.

So we're gonna have some people

coming in next week
to help us out.

Thank God. 'Cause
I need some help.

I've been asking for
an aide for decades.

Janine: I'm already
so behind in grading.

It takes a surprising
amount of effort

to give everyone an A
for effort. [ Chuckles ]

I'm happy the community
wants to lend a hand

when there's nothing
in it for them.

Yeah, well, maybe
they can get someone

to come deep clean
the coffee machine.

[ Teachers clamoring
] Ava: Okay, I get it!

Didn't y'all hear me say
volunteers are coming?

Yeesh, y'all act like I
let this school fall apart.

[ Scoreboard creaking ]

[ Teachers screaming ]

Again?! Everybody okay?

What, you're haunted
now or something?

[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

♪♪

Miles: Why are you calling me?
It's 7:30 a.m. on a Monday.

Yes, it is good to hear from me.

So, listen, we need
a new scoreboard.

Just wondering when
y'all could drop one off.

Preferably something in
the Jumbotron family.

Hmm... looks like the earliest

I can get someone out
there is... never.

Excuse me? That's right.

Now that we're fully unionized,

you don't have any dirt on us

that could halt construction.

You're out of leverage,

and you're not
getting a scoreboard.

Listen to me, you
bespectacled little milksop...

Excuse me? What did you say? I will
have you... The volunteers are here.

Okay, Malala girl,
I'll talk to you later.

Guess which Malala that was.

Oh, thank goodness the
volunteers get here today.

It is so weird how
we all fall behind

after break when we get back.

Nope. Not me. I'm good.

I'm actually ahead of schedule.

Well, I'm drowning.

I could use some
help in the garden.

That special compost I put down

apparently has the raccoons

starting a little goofball
garden program of their own.

Aww, cute. No.

I need help with my vents.

Some of the seats in my room
are too cold, others too hot.

It's a whole Goldilocks sitch.

You know, if a girl
came into my house

and ate my porridge
and slept in my bed,

I'm eating her ass.

To be clear in this
hypothetical, I'm a bear.

The animal. [ Intercom beeps ]

Ava: Abbotts and Elementors,

the volunteers have arrived.

Come on down and
claim your minions.

Ah! New friends.

Thank you for giving
back to your...

well, not your... a community.

Here are your badges.

Oh, badges, huh?
Cool! Very cool!

Welcome to Abbott Elementary,

the best elementary
school in the universe.

Is that what this
is? Ignore her.

We are the best volunteers
in the universe.

This is Frank, I'm Mac,

Dee, Dennis, and Charlie.

How ya doin'? Hey, guys.

Dennis: Quick question.

Um, what's the deal
with all the cameras?

We have, like, a
"Vanderpump" thing going on.

Don't worry about it.

No, no, I don't think so.

I know quite a bit about
filming and consent,

and I think I'll
be spending my time

on the other side of the camera.

Thank you very
much. [ Chuckles ]

See? Yeah. Okay.

Charlie: He's camera shy.

Cool, well, um, do any of
you have any experience

with duct work?

Oh, I've done tons of duck work.

You said duck work
or... or duct?

W-What did you say?

Oh, has anyone ever
worked in a garden?

I lived outside.

Oh. Okay. Mm-hmm.

You guys look familiar to me.

No, we don't. Yeah, you do.

Like, I know you from somewhere.

I would have known if I saw you.
We don't do schools usually.

Yeah... Wait, did you ever get
into a fight at an Eagles game?

- Of course we have.
- Oh! Yeah, of course. - Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. Have you?

Oh, are you kidding?
When have I not?

Of course. Yeah, you gotta fight.
We gotta do what we gotta do.

Okay. That's what it is, then.

All right. Go, Birds!

Go Birds! Yeah, go
Birds! Go Birds.

I like her. That's cool.
Go Birds, of course.

If Caucasian Cultural
Exchange is over,

let's get to the free work.

- Okay? Yeah.
- Yeah.

But go Birds.

But what they were
not prepared for...

the scourge of trench warfare.

All right, your vent is fixed.

Thank you, Charlie.

That thing's been dumping
hot air on me for weeks.

I've been positively
sudoriferous.

Oh, yeah? You
got one of those?

Yeah, I got a rash. [ Scoffs ]

What you learning in here, huh?

Oh, about innovative wear.
Classic fashion concerns.

All right, well, first of
all, ironing is a myth.

Doesn't work. Oh, no. Uh...

you mean the "Industrial War."

[ Laughs ] Apologies.

The students say I
have the handwriting

of a possessed doll.

No, I-I knew that.
Yeah, Industrial War.

And that was a...
that was a big one.

'Cause, you know, the...
the industries, you know,

the... were fighting
each other... big robots.

And there were, of course,

lots of Marines and crazy vermin

and, uh, aliens.

And that was, uh, very
baffling for them.

And, well, you don't
need me teaching.

Seems like you got it.

Maybe I'll see if there's
any other fashion classes

for me to pop in on and,
uh, give some more pointers.

Never iron.

This school, man.

Hey! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. What are you doing?

Composting.

Compost is made of food
waste, not batteries.

No, no. Batteries
are robot food.

They're full of
rare earth metals.

Plants love 'em.

You throw any more
of my trash in there,

and I won't be responsible
for what happens next.

Is that a threat? You damn
right that's a threat.

Okay, okay. All right,
hold on. Calm down.

This is exactly what
the raccoons want.

The game plan for today

is to get the compost
back into the planters

and spread garlic and
chili powder around

to deter the raccoons.

Garlic and chili powder?

You're gonna make the
dirt taste delicious.

There's only one way
to get rid of raccoons.

Intimidation.

You try and intimidate
a raccoon...

that'll be the last
thing you ever do.

You gotta trap 'em.

Raccoons is too smart for traps.

You need pelts with
alpha predator urine.

Yeah, I'm definitely
not doing that.

Suit yourself.

But you should rename this
place "A Buffet Elementary."

That's not our name.

We're named after a
historical racist.

Congratulations.

All right, so maybe you can
hang up the kids' drawings

while I just help
them with the lesson.

You got it. Cool.

Penn? Oh, hell yeah!

[ Shouts ] Yeah,
Penn! I went to Penn!

[ Normal voice ] I'm so sorry.

That is a knee-jerk
reaction I have.

[ Chuckles ] Don't
you dare apologize.

I went there, too!

What?

Yeah. I basically
lived on Locust Walk.

Wha... [ Chuckles
] As you should!

Because how else
are you gonna get

to Smokey Joe's!
To Smokey Joe's!

No way! [ Laughs ]

Uh, hello?

Oh, h-hi. Okay, just go ahead

and double-check your work
if you're finished, okay?

Yeah, and remember to
write your name at the top.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah, they always
forget to do that.

You are a natural.

I appreciate you
seeing me. Of course.

Hey, class, can I
have your attention?

Just real quick up here.

I just want you to know...

you are being
taught by a genius.

Okay.

Well, the, uh, school's
all fixed up now,

so I was thinking, since
we gave you such a boost,

maybe you could sign
this volunteer slip

and we could get out of your
hair for the rest of the week,

you know, sort of
let the school soar.

Stop wasting paper.

District says you're
here for the whole week.

Find something useful to do.

I already have a white guy
that comes in here to annoy me.

Does anybody else think
there's something seriously off

about these volunteers?

That guy Frank accused my
soil of lacking lithium.

Yeah, I don't think they
have backgrounds in education

or, like, educations, period.

Okay, well, my volunteer
certainly does.

She went to Penn,
which is an Ivy.

A lot of people confuse it
for a state school. I know.

Is she the one that stuck her
head in my classroom asking

can she "light up in here"?

The tall, skinny one who's,
like, hiding behind the cameras,

he keeps asking me
out to some gross bar

with like 300 one-star reviews.

Wait. A gross bar
in South? Yeah.

I knew I knew those schlubs.

Guys. What?

Come on!

Hey, hey, you guys, you
own that Paddy's Pub.

That's the skeeviest
bar I ever been to.

You're a bunch of lowlifes.

Nope. Hey!

What exactly are you doing here?

We are volunteering for
community service. Yeah.

What's your angle?
If there even is one.

Guys, there's no angle.
We're here to help.

Yes! For at least 100 hours.

As the court order dictates.

Snakes in the garden!
You're criminals.

Okay. Oh, come on. No!

I-Is it a crime to
dump 100 gallons

of baby oil in the Schuylkill?

And 500 Paddy's Pub T-shirts.

And a Cybertruck?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yeah, the judge thought so, too.

She's right. We're criminals.

Of course they're criminals. That explains why
Frank asked when he gets his one phone call.

Let's get 'em outta here.

Okay, somebody just
give me the word

and I will have them
disappeared like that.

Ava, please remove
these improper people

from the premises post-haste.

Hold on. Dee has been
super helpful in my class.

She took down the Christmas
decorations I can't reach.

She graded a spelling quiz.

And she did go to one of the
best schools in the country.

Janine, you're an adult.

Stop bragging about something
you did when you were 17.

They're not
"criminal" criminals,

you know, just a misdemeanor.

Plus, if you kick them out,

the district will never
send us help ever again.

The "free" of it all
is hard to say no to.

All right, the criminals
can stay for now.

What? And I'll treat them
just like everyone else,

with the utmost disrespect.

Hey, Melissa. Um...
Charlie: Oh, we're in here?

Uh, whoa! Uh-oh. [ Chuckles ]

Look at all the
colors in here, man.

This is so much
cooler than your room.

Um, do you have
anything that Charlie

could help out with,
maybe in... in your class?

Nope. Don't want him.

Take him back up
to the older kids.

Hey, Charlie. Why don't, um...

Why don't you check
some of the kids work?

Throw down some
knowledge on these guys?

Sounds good. Sure.

Yeah. I'm afraid that, uh,

seventh-grade curriculum
might be a little advanced

for Charlie to help out with.

Honestly, I don't even
know if he can read.

He couldn't make out
anything on the board.

That doesn't mean he can't read.

I'm dyslexic, you prick.
Lots of adults are.

Maybe he is, too.

Got a question over here?

How do you spell "light"?

Uh, light... light? Yeah.

Well, uh, that's easy, really.

It's L, I, Y, T...
there's another L,

which is one of those letters

that hides behind
the other letter.

Well, maybe he can't read.

This doesn't make any sense.

Raccoons hate chili
powder and garlic.

How is it worse?

I told you, the only way

to get rid of a raccoon
is intimidation.

Now, I've got
these premium pelts

back at my place.

I'm gonna soak 'em

in the dankest urine
you ever smelled.

You'll never see another
raccoon as long as you live.

This is a garden, not a
Hollywood bachelor pad.

We need a huge cage.

Have you ever even
met a raccoon?

I met a famous one last spring.

I think what we have here is
an embarrassment of riches.

So I'm just gonna
let... two have at it.

You're trash. You know that?

Coming from the
sheriff of trash.

Principal Coleman, good morning!

Hmm.

This coffee is cute
as hell. [ Chuckles ]

You know, I've been trying
to get Dia to do this,

but Dia says that her

[louder] arthritis makes
her hand shake too bad.

Right. Uh, it was my pleasure.

Let me know if there's
anything you need.

And I mean anything.

Hmm. I could use a white guy

to serve as my vice presid...

I mean, principal.
[ Chuckles ]

You can start by
planning a fire drill.

This place is a tinderbox.

Yes, I could do that. Or...

when was the last time
you had your car detailed?

Oh, well, just yesterday.

But go ahead and
fill 'er up, too.

And when Ben Franklin
touched the key

he had tied to the kite...

[ Imitates being
electrocuted ] [ Laughter ]

My bones!

[ Knock on door ]
That is so good.

Oh. Hi. Hello, Miss Teagues.

Can I borrow the
left-handed scissors?

Oh, yeah. Of course.
Be right back.

Guys, keep working.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Say, what brings a hunk like you

into a classroom like this?

The left-handed scissors.

You don't say. Yeah.

Well, fun fact about
me... I am ambidextrous,

and you know what they say about

ambidextrous girls...

That they can write
with both hands?

[ Laughs loudly ]

You are so funny.

Isn't he? Yeah.

Got 'em.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Mm-hmm. Thank you.

All right, guys. Who
can name something else

that Ben Franklin invented?

Yo. White kid. How
about over here?

What's Mr. Eddie's deal?

Whoa. Check this out.

There's gotta be like
100 books in here.

Yeah, why don't you go

take a look at
some of the covers?

So, how's it going
with that one?

My suspicions were first
piqued when... He can't read.

You sure?

Uh-oh! This one doesn't
even have pictures.

You know, I used to teach
adult literacy classes,

and it's far more common
nowadays than you think.

Okay. Charlie!

I am Mrs. Barbara
Howard, educator.

And I'd like to ask
you a question. Sure.

Do you have trouble
reading? No.

I mean [clears throat] no, no.

I can read any word at any time.

My friends and I were
actually talking about

how well-read I am.

Yes, well, adult
illiteracy is very common,

and there is no shame
in needing help.

You know what? I'm
not feeling great.

I got a bit of a tummy ache.

Uh, you got, like, a
hall pass or something?

Jacob: It's on the wall.

On the wall. I see it, okay?

All right. I'll be back.

That...

He could probably recognize

the word "bathroom,"
though, right?

Charlie! Hurry!

For someone who's
not getting paid,

Mac has made himself surprisingly
useful. [ Drill whirring ]

Now he's texting me
to come outside and...

Can you keep that down?

I'm pontificating over here.
And what is that smell?

It's the pelts.
They're soaked in pee,

which isn't gonna do anything.

Here you go.

Gassed up, detailed, and
I rotated your tires.

My tires rotate
every time I drive.

Is that cinnamon air freshener?

Even better. Oh!

Yeah. Still warm?

There's probably not
even anything left for us

to do this week, so if you could
just go ahead and sign the slip.

Oh, not right now.
My hands are sticky.

[ Tires squeal, car departs ]

Ooh. Valentines in January.

Nice, Miss Dee. Head start.

Oh. I did not know you had
a crush on Mr. Eddie, Bekka.

What? No, she doesn't.
She better not.

No, she's doing it for me.

Wh... Wha... What?
Why? What do you mean?

'Cause when Gregory finds
out that I used the kids

to let him know how I feel
about him, he's just gonna melt.

[ School bell
rings ] But, uh...

Bye, kids. Bye.

Wait. Um, you...
you like Gregory?

Uh [chuckles] yeah. You've
seen those shoulders.

What is his deal? Is
he in a relationship?

Ooh, if he is, is he a cheater?

[ Laughs ] No. Okay.

So, uh, he is actually
with someone... me.

What?! Yeah.

Janine! Nice pull.

Thank you. It
took a long time.

Yeah. You're good if I
take a spin, though, yeah?

Hey, does he have any tattoos?

Never... You know what?
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

I want it to be a surprise.
Shh! Shh! Shh! No.

Um, so it's actually
like a real relationship.

He's my boyfriend. Like,
my very loyal boyfriend.

So it's a competition then?

No.

Very well. Best
of luck to you.

So, he likes big feet.

Good.

Mine are enormous.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Mockingly breathing
heavily ] What?

Ava, the others were right.

These volunteers have got to go.

No, you were right.

They're amazing, and they're
staying. [ Chuckles ]

I might even frame 'em for another
crime to get their hours up.

Did I tell you to stop steaming?

[ Steam hisses ]

Charlie, I've helped many adults
who've struggled to read...

Yeah, but I'm not
struggling. I read good.

It's okay. It's okay, Charlie.

All we have to do is find
out, what do you like?

Beer. Uh... They
don't have that.

Milk steak... uh,
bird law. Okay.

Birds! Okay, Barbara.

Birds. We can work with that.

- Birds. - Barb!
- Okay.

All right. "Protected
Birds of Pennsylvania,

Fun Facts, Cool Birds." Yes!

Oh, yeah? Cool birds.
Okay, here you go.

All right, let's
start right here.

What sound does
this letter make?

I don't need to sound it out
'cause I can read it perfectly.

It says, "The Philadelphia
Eagles' name is Swoop

and he has a jetpack."

It doesn't. It doesn't?

Go Birds?

Go Birds, man.

Let's keep trying.

Janine: You know,
I feel bad for Dee.

It must be hard to
have a crush on Gregory

when I'm already with him.

Hopefully I can smooth
things over today.

[ Knock on door ]

Expecting someone else?

Yeah, I just wanted
you to get a load

of the tower of a woman

you're about to
lose your man to.

Okay, class, why don't
you, um, work quietly

while Miss Dee and I have
a talk in the hallway?

Dee... Mm.

I'm sorry about
yesterday... Mm.

But Gregory and I are in a
serious, committed relationship.

Yeah, you already said that.

It only makes me want him more.

Do you love him? Wha...
D... [ Stammering ]

Because I love him. And
when I see him next,

that's exactly what
I'm gonna tell him.

Okay.

I thought you learned
your lesson yesterday,

but I guess you
gotta get held back.

How you gonna hold me back?
Your arms are way too short.

My arms are not short.
Your arms are too short.

My arms are a normal size.
Try it. Reach me. Reach me.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's going on? I'll
tell you what's going on.

This psycho, she was just going off
about... You know what she said?

She said, "[Whiny voice] He's
too much of a man for me."

I didn't say that.
"I can't handle him."

Yes, she did. She did. No,
I didn't. I didn't say that.

And you know what? One
more thing... I love you.

She did say that. I
didn't say the first part.

I would never say that.

Are you okay? Yes, I am fine.

But this bird-ass bird
is gonna get real hurt.

Don't call me... I will call
you... Okay, okay, okay.

Excuse me just one second.
worse things than a bird.

Thank you. It's just
what I thought of.

What's happening?

She's trying to seduce you
and make you her boyfriend.

Okay?

"Okay?" That'd be
an actual nightmare.

Agreed. Listen, Janine...

I'm with you.

I'm not interested
in any other woman.

Especially not that woman.

Okay.

Okay, I feel better.

Much better.

All right. All
right, thank you.

Mm-hmm. I'll go back.

That was so hot. [ Chuckles ]

Meet me behind the
gym mats in 15.

And if I'm late, you
just keep waiting.

"Green!" Yes.

"Her-ons." Unh...

"Herons." That's it.

Uh, "spend soumare."

Uh, it's a French word I think.

No, it's not.

Oh! "Summer in Philadelphia

and then flies soothe..."

South... "soothes...

south for wine."

No. "Win-Winter"?

"Winter!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

Charlie, I am so proud of you!

Look at you, you crazy
S.O.B. You did it.

You can read,
Charlie. I did it!

I actually read, which
I always could do.

What's going on in here?
Somebody walking on water?

Even better, we taught
one of the criminals

to read at a kindergarten level.

Wow. I guess
miracles do happen.

Charlie: Yeah, Mac,
check this out.

I'm gonna read, uh, one
of the tough sentences,

like, from the back
of the book. Yes.

Um, "Protected, uh, birds

include, uh, the gold-breathe...

bre... "I don't know
this one. Breasted.

"Breasted! Nuthatch
and loggerhead Shrek...

shrike." Say that again.

Really?

"Pro-tec-ted birds inc... Yes.

[ Sighs ] "Protected
birds include

the gold-breasted nuthatch
and loggerhead shrike."

Dang! Well, that's
why you're principal.

Mel, you still got that egg guy?

Human or animal? Doesn't
matter. Got both. Why?

We got a species to protect.

V.P., I have your
next mission.

We caught the
raccoon! It's huge!

Really?

You want to bash his
brains in or should I?

No, man. That's Frank.

I know that. Get
me outta here.

Were you the one eating
the compost the whole time?

Only after you put the garlic
and the chili powder on it.

Came back last
night for some more.

I saw that pudding cup was
full, and I got stuck in here.

Why you wearing piss
pelts? It was freezing.

But by the way, the
piss pelts worked.

I didn't see one raccoon.

All right, I've hit my limit.

Uh, Mr. Johnson, hose him off

and get him inside
before the kids see this.

Very good, by the way, if
you'd like to try some.

Miles: Ava, for the last
time, Girard Creek Golf

will not be giving
Abbott a new scoreboard.

That's not why I'm calling.

You see, my white vice principal

was passing by your
construction site,

and something caught his eye.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

You should have just
received a photo.

It's eggs.

Yes. Loggerhead shrike eggs.

A protected bird in Pennsylvania
found at your golf course.

If the Bird and Game
Commission saw that,

I wonder what it would do to
your construction progress?

[ Sighs ] I'll be in touch.

[ Chuckles ]

Through perseverance,
Charlie has achieved

what once seemed impossible.

And so congratulations

to Abbott Elementary's
newest reader...

Charlie Kelly!

Yeah!

[ Applause ]

I feel bad about all
the compost I ate.

So if you just put
this in the garden,

the plants will love it and
then we'll call it square.

If you took that from
Mr. Johnson's car, go put it back.

Yeah.

It's a weird week, huh?

Really? I didn't notice.

Last chance.

What do you say we, uh,
drive away from this place

and never look back?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

So...

Whatever.

Hey, boss, so the, uh...

new scoreboard looks
pretty good, huh?

So I guess that means you
sh... you should sign this.

[ Sighs ]

No.

You're the best free
worker I've ever had.

Come on. I got
your car detailed.

I blackmailed a golf course.

I even went the extra mile

and wrote thank-you notes
to all the teachers.

You did what?

They run on insults.

You don't get what
I'm doing here at all.

Get the hell outta my school.

Oh, God. Let's never
ask for help again.

Well, I tried to tell yous.

Oh, this week wasn't so bad.

We taught a guy to read.

Jacob, how are you
always so optimistic?

Are you kidding me?

We live in the City of
Brotherly Love, my brother.

It's always sunny in...

It is amazing what we were
able to accomplish this week.

I mean, when we got here,
this place was falling apart.

And now... they
send children here.

So, it turns out Greg's
gay, uh, which is a bummer.

I do feel bad for Janine,

but that can happen
to the short ones.

I got to work the land.

I got to eat some fiber.

Charlie learned to read.

Community service is great.

Crime is worth it.
Plain and simple.

I'm ready to get out of
here. This school's haunted.

They play basketball
against ghosts.

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