Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Marnie. (SIGHS)

And...

(SCOFFS) I think I'm a sex addict.

Even as I was saying it,

I knew I was probably in the wrong place.

Just to get you up to speed,

that's me telling a room full of strangers

how I'm such a horny bastard,

I can lose an entire day thinking about milking my mum,

fingering a horse,

or getting teabagged by my dentist.

And that's them thinking,

"You're not a sex addict, you're a danger to society."

Cut to...

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(SCOFFS) Thanks, love.

Would anyone else like to share?

CHARLIE: Er, yeah.

I'm Charlie, a porn addict.

And I've been sober for nearly a year.

MARNIE: This guy, though...

He's the real deal.

He actually gets off on the shit he thinks about.

They love him.

CHARLIE: I went to this phone shop.

And I remembered that's how it starts.

I remembered how it feels.

(CHARLIE STUTTERS)

MARNIE: He's had some wanks in some very interesting places.

The things his penis has seen...

Predominantly the inside of his hand and...

You want it. You need it. So you chase it.

You'll do anything to get it.

MARNIE: That, right there,

that is why I don't belong here.

I don't want anything to do with the shit I think about.

Ooh, hang on. He's getting to the climax.

...forever, and then you cum

and it's like all your thoughts,

all your fucking amazing thoughts

being sucked into your brain and exploding.

Feels... (SIGHS) Incredible.

You feel like you're finally... You.

MARNIE: That's the problem.

I don't know what me feels like.

Oh, hey.

I'm not a sex addict, am I?

CHARLIE: Yeah, no. You're not a sex addict.

(SMACKS LIPS) Everyone's gone for a cuppa.

(CHUCKLING) Think I'll give it a miss, thanks.

What you doing now?

Erm...

It was nice of you to wait.

But I don't really feel like being around people after that.

All right, bighead.

I wasn't waiting for you. I was waiting for her.

-Hey, Lynne. -Hi, Charlie. (CHUCKLES)

She runs introduction to felting.

The ancient craft of transforming

of wool fibres into textile material.

Oh, so, like, the opposite of porn.

-That's why I'm doing it. -(SCOFFS)

My therapist said it's avoidance,

but then I made him

a felt replica of his dog and he loved it.

-(CHUCKLES) -You should come.

Erm...

I don't know.

We're not gonna chain you up.

No, I know you won't, I mean...

-Obviously, why would you? -(CHUCKLES)

-You coming, Charlie? -Er, yes.

And, erm, so is she.

Oh.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) At least when I'm a mumbling, crazy woman

roaming the streets of London,

I'll be able to felt my own clothes out of dead rats.

-Lovely work, Charlie. -Thank you.

-Not a natural crafter either. -Don't know what I am.

-Quite a shit felter. -(CHUCKLES)

Maybe cos I'm not a menopausal woman?

-Fuck off. -(CHUCKLES)

I do activities is to keep me busy.

Alternative entertainment helps. (SIGHS)

And the group, obviously.

It's cool that you found your people.

Must be a group for people with sexy thoughts.

They're not sexy. They're disgusting.

What, so it's...

Pretty intense in your head, yeah?

Yeah.

What's happening now?

You just wanna perv.

(SCOFFS) Take more than a saucy anecdote to get me off.

Trust me.

(SIGHS)

Twenty minutes thinking about

the colour of Lynne's pubic hair.

Yeah. Well, I mean, who isn't?

And then another ten wondering why I'm thinking that.

And then...

What if I ripped off her pubes and felted that.

Come on, you amateur.

You're not layering your tuft.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

♪ In a suit made out of song ♪

♪ Come on ♪

MARNIE: It was really good.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

♪ Let's not insist on love ♪

♪ We're just alive ♪

-Looks like a hippie's merkin. -MARNIE: Ugh.

Give it to your mum. They love that shit.

(SIGHS) I moved to London

to stop my parents finding out I'm a perv.

I'm not sending them a snazzy pubic wig in the post.

But, it's art. And some art's shit.

Do you wanna go for a drink?

-I, erm... I actually don't... -Yeah, no, sorry.

-A bit intense. -No, no, I don't drink.

Yeah, er, not good for the head and all that.

Yeah, sorry. God, I sound really desperate.

No, no, you don't. You don't. We should, erm...

We should... We should just stay in touch or something.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) It's just...

Other than this guy I vomited on,

and this woman I really offended,

you're the only person I've met in London.

-Stop it, you flirt. -(CHUCKLES)

What'd you do to her?

Er, something sexual.

Well, rule 101 of porn and sex addict support,

make amends.

Make amends?

I'm not a porn or sex addict.

What the fuck am I?

(SIGHS) I don't belong in a group,

not even felting.

Well, let's make our own one.

Just be you and me, so,

less chairs to put away at the end.

-(CHUCKLES) -I'm not chatting you up.

Stop chatting me up.

I wouldn't know what to do with you.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

MARNIE: Making amends

is an essential part of recovery.

Yes.

Wait. This is the 21st century.

People don't make amends in person.

That's creepy.

No.

I'll just send an e-mail.

SHEREEN: Do you want me to make you some breakfast?

-I don't mind. -Er, no,

I'm going out, I think.

Oh, was it a mad one last night?

-Are you on a comedown? -(CHUCKLES)

It was really PG, actually.

You meet anyone interesting?

-Er, yeah. I did. This guy. -(DOOR OPENS)

If you ever need to borrow my bed, just say.

Cos you won't fit a man in that cupboard.

(LAUGHS) Er, it's really more of a friends thing.

Er, right. Right, with benefits.

Sexual intercourse, running errands...

No, er, like, someone I can talk to about stuff.

You can talk to me about anything.

Okay.

So?

(SIGHS) Maybe not just yet

cos I've got this interview thing...

Oh, same. A load of women called Karen

are coming in to try and impress me.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

Well, wait a minute, I'll come with you.

(CHUCKLES)

MARNIE: I wish I was like her.

She is who she is

and she doesn't give a fuck what people think of her.

I give too many.

♪ When you're alone and life is making you lonely ♪

♪ You can always go ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ When you've got worries ♪

So, big interview. How are you feeling?

Fine. Excited.

♪ Downtown ♪

I see this a lot in HR.

-What? -Simmering panic.

-Your face, it's shaking. -No, it's not.

But if you need any tips for anxiety, I'm your gal.

I was a very nervous child. (CHUCKLES)

I used to chew holes in all my clothes.

Mother thought we had a moth problem.

I know what you should do.

Just picture everybody naked.

♪ Things will be great when you're -- ♪

MARNIE: Story of my life. (SIGHS)

Well, right now it's more of a harrowing tale.

♪ And you may find somebody kind ♪

♪ To help and understand you ♪

♪ Someone who is just like you ♪

♪ And needs a gentle hand to guide them along ♪

♪ So maybe I'll see you there ♪

♪ We can forget all our troubles ♪

♪ Forget all our cares ♪

♪ So go downtown ♪

♪ Things will be great when you're downtown ♪

♪ Don't wait a minute more ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Everything's waiting for you ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Hello.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

...doesn't equal.

Can you just... One moment... Just one moment.

(CLANGING)

WOMAN: Yeah, I'm fine. (CLEARS THROAT)

Hi.

-Hi. -Can you just come over here for a minute?

-Okay. -What the fuck are you doing here?

I know this is really weird of me, but I can explain.

-Go on, then. -Okay.

So, the gay thing first? Yeah. (SIGHS)

When I said you weren't my type...

(STUTTERS) It's cos

I like people who are a bit more masculine.

(CLEARS THROAT) Are you saying you tried to get with me

cos I look masculine

-or you didn't cos I don't? -Er, second one.

Erm, when I say masculine,

I mean...

So they're actually men.

-Not women. -You're a fanny tourist.

-If that's what it's called. -Yeah, it is.

(SIGHS) I'm really sorry.

People confuse me.

And I got this thing in my head

that I thought would unconfuse me,

so I had to do it, and... (SIGHS) That was you.

You know, this isn't Love Island,

you just can't do that to people.

Yeah, I know. (SIGHS) Must be something wrong with me.

Right. Is that it?

Cos I've an article to write on bi-curiosity.

There's something else, also.

Is that intern offer still a thing or...

You want to work here?

-You said you needed interns. -(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)

-I know what I did was fucked up. -Yeah.

I don't normally do things as fucked up as that.

Well, recently I do. But that wasn't me.

This is me.

Hello. (SIGHS)

I know you probably think

I'm just some random Scottish person you met in a club.

Yeah.

But, if you gave me a chance,

I would try really hard not to fuck it up

like I've fucked up our previous interactions.

I'll do anything.

(SIGHS) Nothing sexual, though, cos I'm a professional.

Sorry.

One day.

What? Seriously?

Yeah, we could actually do with the help today.

And for the love of God, if anyone asks,

-I found you on LinkedIn. -Okay.

Oh, this is fucked up. Don't fuck this up.

I won't. I won't, I promise.

(CHUCKLES)

-Are you gonna come with me? -Yeah, mmm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Right. (SIGHS) We'll set you up here.

-Simi is on holidays again. -Cool.

Sit here. All right.

(CLICKS)

Erm, ignore these. These are freebies.

She's not like, some sort of sexual deviant.

Do you know how to use a landline?

Er...

Hello... (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Right. Well, I have shit to do,

so can you just answer the phones and try to be normal?

Yeah. Er, thanks again for this.

If you want me to be normal,

then maybe don't seat me at a desk

covered in genitals.

That's not normal.

Hi.

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Yeah.

Good morning, colleague.

-I'm Marnie. -Yeah, we met.

You're the one who... (MIMICS VOMITING)

Oh, I know. Maybe we could just forget about that

-cos of the Amber thing. -Okay.

Hello, stranger.

-Nice to meet you. -For the first time ever.

-(WHISPERING) Can you not... -Yeah, I won't.

Does anyone want tea?

-That's you. The tea. -Oh, yeah. Sure.

You better ask people what they want.

Cos, Yorkshire and one isn't good enough for some people.

I'll have one, though.

-Can you do... -Tea. Yeah, I'm on it.

LIBBY: Spring/Summer content.

How this year's number one styles are... (SIGHS)

Bullshit.

I'm not wearing waders as shoes

just cos some designer twat's been fishing.

(SIGHS)

-So, how's sobriety? -AMBER: Er, pros...

Whose was the green tea?

Pros... Erm,

cheap, glowing skin, clarity of thought...

-Who the green tea? -...which is...

Er, it's kind of like grieving.

There's the stage one,

-which is regret. -That's jasmine.

-"What the fuck am I doing?" -MARNIE: Oh, wait.

This is the green tea.

Sorry, can you just put those down, so we can...

-Yeah, sorry. -Thanks.

(SIGHS)

-Can you just sit there? -Okay.

-Sorry, Amby, you were saying... -(AMBER SIGHS)

Oh, sorry, er, stage two, you got smugness.

My skin is like marble.

Er, stage three, arrogance.

I could do this for life.

Er, stage four, you got glee.

I cannot wait for a fucking drink tonight. (SIGHS)

But at least with sobriety,

remember all your sexual conquests.

(COUGHS)

That's the problem.

I'm actually thinking celibacy for my next piece.

Cos the mad, scattergun approach

to having sex is too much of an effort.

(COUGHS)

Yeah, everyone, sorry, this is...

Marnie.

LIBBY: Marnie.

So, tell us about yourself.

(MARNIE CLEARS THROAT)

(SIGHS)

Hi. I'm Marnie.

(CLEARS THROAT) And, er...

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY)

What are you... Get the fuck off the table.

Get off the... (SCREAMS)

Er...

Er...

I'm a 24-year-old woman...

Currently living in London.

LIBBY: Did anyone see Newsnight last night?

AMBER: I thought you said... (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ Hey, moon ♪

(SIGHS)

♪ It's just you and me tonight ♪

♪ Everyone else is asleep ♪

♪ Hey, moon ♪

♪ If I was to fall ♪

♪ I would fall so deep ♪

♪ Hey, moon ♪

♪ Come back soon ♪

Does everyone think I'm basic?

(WHISPERING) Should you be talking to me?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

All I could say was age, sex, location.

That's kind of basic. Like I'm a dead body.

How can you be basic with Pantone 292 C vomit?

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Which is still there, by the way.

I think I saw a tomato plant growing out of it this morning.

(GROANS) You should call the council.

-Or a fox. -(LAUGHS)

MARNIE: Do I want that? (SIGHS)

I can't remember what I decided.

Came to see how she's getting on.

Yeah, good, yeah. (SIGHS)

Very clean. (SIGHS)

-What are you up to tonight? -Nothing.

Hanging out with the girl I live with.

We have this drinks thing after for some investors.

Can you stick around for it?

Yeah.

RSVP. (CHUCKLES)

You can go now. You just come back around 7:00.

Great.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

(PHONE BEEPS)

♪ Is it time to dance? ♪

♪ I'll fall ♪

♪ You know I like to fall ♪

♪ I'm hopeful for ♪

♪ The rush-hour car stares ♪

♪ And the memory of your piano ♪

♪ Can I feel you? ♪

♪ Are you mythological? ♪

(SOFTLY) Hey. Hey. Come here.

-Don't you have a job? -Nah, sabbatical.

Why are we in a medical library?

Alumni. Get my money's worth.

(CLEARS THROAT) And my uni class was cancelled.

-If I don't keep busy I just fap. -Fap?

(MIMICS MASTURBATION)

Onomatopoeic term for masturbation.

(SHUSHES)

I was doing some research for you

to help you with, er, what you are.

Thanks, but I don't need you to mansplain

something that's been going on in my brain

for the last 10 years.

No, no. No, I wouldn't.

I know... I know you know yourself,

and you've just met me. (SIGHS)

But I wanna help you with your...

-Head. -(CHUCKLES)

And I won't be mansplaining. I'll just be reading.

-All right? -Fine.

But if the NHS can't tell me,

then an unqualified man with a book isn't going to.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

You're welcome.

I don't have OCD.

Wait. Just hear me out. Whoa, whoa!

-(SHUSHING) -CHARLIE: "OCD

"is a psychiatric disorder

"characterised by obsessive thoughts

-"and compulsive actions..." -I'm really untidy.

I don't wash my hands for long enough.

And I always leave the house

with tealights accidentally burning.

And I don't care. Cos they're little and they just go out.

"Obsessions manifest as recurring intrusive thoughts

"which are disturbing thoughts, images or ideas.

"Compulsions are the actions sufferers carry out

"to relieve the anxiety they cause."

MARNIE: Liking wine, moving to London,

and gate-crashing random support groups

are not compulsions. They're subtle cries for help.

-(SHUSHES) No talking. -CHARLIE: "Typical

-"obsessive things include... -We're going.

"...contamination, illness...

-I'm sorry. Come on, Charlie. -"...orderliness, but sufferers

"also obsess about violence, murder, blasphemy and sex."

What?

"Sexual obsessions can include doubts over deviant behaviours,

"but also unfaithfulness,

"or suitability of one's partner or sexual orientation."

That sounds like me.

"What if I sinned?

"What if I don't really love my partner?

"What if I feel sexual love for a parent?

"What if I assaulted someone?

"What if I'm infected?

"What if I'm sexually attracted to animals?

"What if my entire personal identity is wrong?"

Give me this.

(SIGHS)

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Fuck!

Char... Charlie, it's OCD!

-I've got OCD. -Told you, kiddo.

Fuck! Fuck!

-(SHUSHES) -(CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS) Fuck!

(EXHALES)

♪ Come tomorrow way down south in St. Amore ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh ♪

Yesterday, that would've been a bollock flying at my head.

Today, it's just an unwashed Pink Lady.

I am sick in the head,

and there are thousands of other people

just as fucked up as me.

I'm finally part of a community.

♪ Jezahel ♪

♪ Jezahel ♪

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

Hey...

-Babe, I said 7:00. -It's only half past.

Sorry I didn't know it was a bang-on-seven thing. I didn't...

I wanted you to help set up.

And you're meant to be pouring that into folks' glasses.

Not down your throat.

Oh, my God. Shit! I, er... Didn't know it was work.

I thought it was social. I'm so sorry.

It's fine. Maybe I wasn't clear.

Just keep people topped up, all right?

Yes, I was actually a waitress...

Brilliant!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

MAN: Yeah.

Here you go. Enjoy.

♪ When I'm with you, baby, I go out of my head ♪

♪ I just can get enough ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

♪ And everything you said ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ I just can't get enough ♪

♪ We slip and slide as we fall in love ♪

♪ And I just can't seem to get enough ♪

♪ Do, do, do-do, do-do ♪

♪ Do, do, do-do, do-do ♪

♪ Do, do, do-do, do-do ♪

♪ Do, do, do-do, do-do, do ♪

Marnie.

I'm just gonna dump these and I'll be back with the wine.

No, babe, come have a rest.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

...but our aim over the next few quarters is to really expand

our male-targeted content.

I mean, we're doing our bit, obviously.

Token male.

Er, hello.

(SIGHS)

And investing in new talent is another important one.

Hi.

Marnie is doing some work experience for us.

Yeah, er, experiencing the work.

She's not from here. Are you?

-I'm from Scotland. -WOMAN: Whereabouts?

I wouldn't know it cos it's in Scotland. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) It's just this tiny place no one's ever heard of.

People drive straight through it to get to somewhere better.

-(CHUCKLES) -(MARNIE SIGHS)

Unless they've got to stop in the lay-by

to vom or do dogging or something.

I wouldn't.

-Stop, I mean. Not do dogging. -(ALL LAUGHING)

I wouldn't do dogging, either, though.

Unless it's a toss up between that

and getting out of the car.

-Ooh, toss up? -(CHUCKLES)

Cos it's dogging.

I'm just gonna do these.

WOMAN: She certainly has a unique perspective.

(AMBER CHUCKLES)

There you are.

Thought you'd change your mind

halfway through again and run off.

And I was like, (GROANS) "Can't take the rejection."

Nope. Still here. Glasses.

-Cleaner will do them. -I don't mind.

Well, everyone's bailed cos it's a school night,

and I have to get Sef home

cos she had white wine and she shouldn't, so...

(CHUCKLES)

-Thanks for tonight. -Thanks for letting me in.

That was good work today.

(WINCES) Was it, though?

(LIFT BELL DINGS)

-AMBER: See you tomorrow. -See you.

Wait... What?

Yes!

(HUMMING)

Hi. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(DOOR RATTLING)

-There's a button on the side. -What?

You gotta press the button.

(DOOR BEEPS)

(CHUCKLES)

Amber's gone, if you're waiting for her.

I wasn't.

Uber. Mahmoud. 4.9 stars.

(SIGHS)

I wanted to get you alone, actually.

Not in a creepy way.

Erm, to say thanks for the whole vom sitch.

I'm glad it was you and not a sex offender. (CHUCKLES)

Me too.

I stayed in London cos of you.

Not cos of you, but cos of what you said.

About people not giving a shit.

So, thanks.

-How you getting home? -Just gonna tube it.

I'll come with you.

What about your Uber?

It's cancelled.

(MARNIE CHUCKLES)

MARNIE: Not bad for a day's work.

I can still count my friends on one hand,

but at least I know why

I sometimes picture that hand fisting them.

Life is good,

or at least not as shit as it has been.

(TRAIN SCREECHING)

(CHUCKLES)

-(CHUCKLES) Sorry. -It's fine.

WOMAN: (ON PA) The next station is Finsbury Park.

The doors will open on the right-hand side.

Change for the Piccadilly Line and National Rail Services.

(TRAIN SCREECHING)

(HEART BEATING)

MARNIE: Fuck! No, no, no.

(MAN GRUNTING)

(WOMEN MOANING)

No, stop!

Oh, God!

-(MOANING) -MARNIE: Fuck!

(MOANING)

-(ALARM BEEPING) -It's not me. It's not me.

-(GROANING) -It's not me. It's my OCD.

It's not me. It's my OCD.

It's not me. It's my OCD.

It's not me.

It's my OCD.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay.

(CHUCKLES)

Wow. I actually am okay.

Oh, hello.

♪ It's a wonderful life ♪

♪ It's a wonderful life ♪

♪ I wore ♪

♪ A rooster's blood ♪

♪ When it flew ♪

♪ Like doves ♪

♪ I'm a bog ♪

♪ Of poison frogs ♪

♪ It's a wonderful life ♪

♪ It's a wonderful life ♪