Original subtitles

BREAK!

LET'S MOVE IT. LET'S GO.

HUT!

20!

29!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL RIGHT. YOU TAKE THE INSIDE.

ON THIS ONE, YOU TAKE THE INSIDE.

54.

READY, SET...

2-85!

2-85!

HUT! HUT!

BACK! BACK!

THROW! THROW!

THROW THE BALL!

TOUCHDOWN, JOE.

LOOKING GOOD, ISN'T HE?

WHAT?

PENDLETON.

HE'S LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.

MM-HMM.

REALLY FALL INTO IT.

ALL RIGHT, JOE. COME ON, BABY.

SET...

HIKE!

GOOD MOVEMENT.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. LET'S TRY IT AGAIN.

18...

HIKE. HIKE.

[CLASHING]

HAVE THOSE MEN GO DEEP.

1-83!

1-83!

HUT!

HE'S LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.

HERE WE GO.

HUT! HUT!

HUSTLE BACK, HUSTLE BACK.

COME ON, GUYS. COME ON.

OPPOSITE LEFT, PLAY PAST 35. X-CURL ON 1.

READY? BREAK.

4-3, SET!

PLAY PAST 29...

2-81!

2-81!

HUT! HUT!

PASS! PASS! PASS!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

BALL! BALL! BALL!

ONCE AGAIN, WE HAD A FOUL-UP ON THAT SCRIMMAGE.

THE FULLBACK HAS BEEN SLOW ON HIS BLOCK.

THE GUARD ALMOST RAN INTO THAT POLE.

WE GOT TO DO IT TILL IT'S RIGHT.

FORMATION LEFT. SCREEN RIGHT ON 2.

READY? BREAK!

RIGHT, LEFT!

RIGHT, LEFT!

4-3...

SET!

2-85!

2-85!

HUT! HUT!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.

MM-HMM.

I'M THINKING OF STARTING HIM ON SUNDAY.

WHAT ABOUT JARRETT?

PENDLETON'S LOOKING BETTER.

2-81!

HUT!

HUT!

PASS! PASS! PASS!

BALL! BALL! BALL!

COME ON!

IS HE STILL ON CORTISONE?

NO.

DARVON, XYLOCAINE, ANY KIND OF PAINKILLER?

NOTHING.

HE'S LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.

2-84!

HUT! HUT! HUT!

HUT!

BALL! BALL! BALL!

I NEVER SAW A KNEE LIKE THAT

HEAL WITHOUT SURGERY, COACH.

HE'S LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.

THANKS A LOT.

OH, HI, JOE.

HOW YOU DOING?

GOOD. HOW'S THE KNEE?

GOOD.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE RAMS' CHANCES?

I THINK WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL.

WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

OFF THE RECORD. THINK YOU GOT A CHANCE?

OFF THE RECORD? WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL.

WE'RE GOING TO WIN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR COMPETITION?

JARRETT. MY COMPETITION?

HE'S OUR STARTING QUARTERBACK.

MY COMPETITION'S 25 OTHER TEAMS.

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]

HA HA HA HA.

[BLENDER WHIRS]

MAX?

WHEW! YEAH!

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S IN THIS BROWN STUFF?

OH, THAT'S MAINLY WHIPPED LIVER.

LIVER?

YEP. I PUT A LITTLE WHEY IN IT,

THEN MIX IT WITH A LITTLE ALFALFA SPROUTS,

SOME BEAN CURD, AND SPINACH MOLD.

IT'S A--IT'S A LIVER AND WHEY SHAKE.

[PLAYS SAXOPHONE]

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR JOE *

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU *

I DIDN'T THINK ANYBODY KNEW.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER, MAX.

I HOPE YOU HAVE A LOT MORE, KID.

THAT'S--THAT'S-- THAT'S--

AW...

WHAT'S THIS?

AW.

AHEM.

YAY! HA HA HA!

YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

AT MY AGE, IN ANY OTHER BUSINESS, I'D BE YOUNG.

LOOK AT IT THIS WAY--

SOON YOU CAN GET INTO ANOTHER BUSINESS

AND HAVE A REAL LIFE.

YEAH?

YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

THIS IS THE ONLY BUSINESS I KNOW.

I'M STUCK.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, STUCK?

I'VE BEEN WORKING MY WHOLE LIFE

TO GET A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING, AND...

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EVER

GOING TO GET A CHANCE TO DO IT.

HEY.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO FIX YOUR NECK.

DON'T DO THAT, JOE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT.

OH!

HOW'S THAT?

OH, BOY. YEAH,

BUT IT SCARES THE HELL OUT OF ME

EVERY TIME YOU DO THAT.

IF YOU DON'T PAY MORE ATTENTION TO HOW

YOUR TRAPEZIUS GOES UP INTO YOUR DELTOIDS,

YOU'RE GOING TO THROW OFF YOUR ENTIRE CERVICAL

AND YOUR LUMBAR AREAS.

ONLY I CAN FIX IT.

YOU OUGHT TO START LISTENING TO ME.

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO TRADE PLACES.

YOU BE THE TRAINER. I'LL START ON SUNDAY.

YEAH...WHAT?

I'M STARTING AGAINST DALLAS?

THEY DON'T WANT TO GO WITH JARRETT.

THEY WANT TO GO WITH YOU.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOE.

[HORN HONKS]

[HONK]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[CRASH]

[THUNDER]

HEY, MY WATCH STOPPED. LOOK AT THAT.

IT KEEPS FLASHING THE SAME TIME.

I'M DREAMING, HUH?

WELL, I...

HEY...

THIS IS AN AIRPLANE DREAM.

I FORGET WHAT THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO MEAN.

I THINK THEY'RE A GOOD SIGN, AREN'T THEY?

MR. PENDLETON.

MR. PENDLETON, YOU MUST WAIT FOR ME.

I'M YOUR ESCORT.

WAIT FOR ME, PLEASE, MR. PENDLETON.

THE END OF THE LINE, MR. PENDLETON, PLEASE.

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, YOU WANT TO HEAR A LITTLE MUSIC?

YOU HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE.

WHAT? THIS IS MY DREAM, ISN'T IT?

YOU MUSTN'T GET OUT OF LINE. REALLY!

CHAMBERLAIN, PAUL R.

ALL RIGHT. I THINK I'VE BROUGHT THE, UH...

I'VE ESCORTED THE FINAL--

ASTERISK THIS MANIFEST AS COMPLETE.

HI.

YOU CANNOT BOARD BEFORE YOUR TURN.

I DON'T NEED A TURN. I'M NOT BOARDING.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND.

THIS ISN'T YOUR ULTIMATE DESTINATION.

THIS IS A WAY STATION.

THAT WILL TAKE YOU TO YOUR ULTIMATE DESTINATION.

I'M NOT GOING.

I'M GOING TO RUN AROUND TILL I WAKE UP.

I'M AFRAID I HAVEN'T FULLY EXPLAINED THE BASIS

ON WHICH THIS SYSTEM IS ORGANIZED.

THIS WAY STATION'S RULES DERIVED FROM YOURS.

THEY'RE A PRODUCT OF YOUR IMAGE

AND THE IMAGE OF THOSE WHO SHARE YOUR IMAGE.

VIOLATE THE RULES, QUESTION THE PRINCIPLES--

YOU WANT TO SEE A TRICK?

I DO THIS ONCE IN A WHILE

TO KEEP MY ABDUCTOR POLLICIS LIMBER.

YOU WANT TO FEEL THAT?

THAT'S A PERFECTLY SOLID 50-CENT PIECE.

I JUST THROW THAT INTO THAT HAND, YOU SEE.

I SAY THE MAGIC WORDS, ABRACADABRA.

AND THEN PRESTO, IT'S GONE.

YOU PROBABLY THINK I STILL HAVE IT.

YOU'RE WRONG,

'CAUSE I CAN SEE IT COMING OUT OF YOUR EAR.

THAT'S THE ONLY TRICK I KNOW.

MR. PENDLETON!

GENTLEMEN.

GENTLEMEN, WHAT'S THE DELAY?

SIR, WE'VE RECEIVED A NEW ARRIVAL

WHO REFUSES TO BOARD.

BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

HAVE YOU EXPLAINED THE RULES TO HIM?

YES, SIR.

QUITE CLEARLY?

YES, SIR.

AND WHAT WAS HIS REBUTTAL?

HE TOOK A COIN OUT OF MY EAR.

DID HE?

PERHAPS I SHOULD HAVE A WORD WITH HIM.

YES, SIR.

MR. PENDLETON!

HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE, SIR.

MR. PENDLETON!

YEAH. HEY, YOU CAN CALL ME JOE.

HOW YOU DOING?

MR. PENDLETON,

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE, DON'T YOU?

I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A REALLY WEIRD DREAM.

YOU SEE THE PROBLEM?

JOE, COME HERE.

LOOK AT ME

AND LISTEN CAREFULLY TO WHAT I'M SAYING.

YEAH?

THIS IS NOT A DREAM.

YEAH.

LIFE HAS A CERTAIN QUALITY ALL ITS OWN,

A CERTAIN FEELING, AND SO DO DREAMS.

YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS NOT LIFE,

AND YOU KNOW NOW THAT THIS IS NOT A DREAM.

THIS IS A PLACE THAT COMES AFTER LIFE

AND AFTER DREAMS.

I'M SURE YOU'RE AWARE OF THAT

AND THAT YOU'LL TAKE YOUR PLACE WITH THE OTHERS.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME...

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE.

BUT YOU ARE HERE.

WELL, YOU GUYS MADE A MISTAKE.

THIS IS INSUPPORTABLE.

YOU'RE TALKING TO MR. JORDAN.

ANYBODY CAN MAKE A MISTAKE.

MR. JORDAN, WE'RE DUE TO TAKE OFF.

YES, I HAVE THE SITUATION IN HAND.

JOE, IF YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR PLACE,

THE OTHERS CAN'T COMPLETE THEIR JOURNEY.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR?

IF THIS IS REALLY HEAVEN,

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR.

I DIDN'T MAKE ANY MISTAKE.

THIS IS NOT HEAVEN. IT'S A WAY STATION.

THERE IS NO MISTAKE.

I WANT A CHECK-OUT ON JOSEPH PENDLETON.

WHEN IS HE DUE TO ARRIVE AT THIS WAY STATION?

SIR, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

A CHECK-OUT? WHY?

THE LIKELIHOOD OF ONE INDIVIDUAL BEING RIGHT

INCREASES IN DIRECT PROPORTION

TO THE INTENSITY WITH WHICH OTHERS

ARE TRYING TO PROVE HIM WRONG.

PENDLETON, JOSEPH--

DUE TO ARRIVE 10:17 A.M.

MARCH 20th OF THE YEAR 2025.

SIR, I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I--

I TOOK HIM OUT--I--

I TOOK HIM OUT JUST BEFORE THE ACCIDENT.

YOU DID WHAT?

THAT CAR COULDN'T HAVE MISSED HIM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THE OUTCOME.

BUT I WAS SO SURE,

AND IT LOOKED LIKE IT WOULD BE PAINFUL.

WAIT. ARE YOU SAYING--

IS THIS YOUR FIRST ASSIGNMENT AS AN ESCORT?

YES, SIR.

HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED

THE RULES OF PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME?

EVERY QUESTION OF LIFE AND DEATH

REMAINS A PROBABILITY UNTIL THE OUTCOME.

SO HE JUMPED THE GUN.

PUT ME BACK WHERE YOU FOUND ME,

AND WE'LL FORGET THE WHOLE THING.

THIS MAN MUST BE PUT BACK INTO HIS BODY AT ONCE.

YEAH.

THANKS, MR. JORDAN.

HEY, I'LL SEE YOU IN ABOUT 50 YEARS.

HEY, HEY, MAX.

MAX, I'M BACK. I'M BACK.

HE CAN'T HEAR YOU, MR. PENDLETON.

I HOPE THEY GOT...

THE BEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN AMERICA IN HEAVEN,

AND I HOPE GOD MAKES YOU FIRST-STRING.

AW...

MAX, I'M GOING TO GET MY BODY BACK.

WHERE'S MY BODY? WHERE DO THEY KEEP--

OH, DEAR.

CREMATED. I SEE.

I'M STARTING AGAINST DALLAS ON SUNDAY.

JOE, THE BODY YOU OCCUPIED ON EARTH

HAS BEEN CREMATED.

WELL, UNCREMATE ME, THAT'S ALL.

YOU MUST BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHT.

DOES "NOT BEING A GOOD SPORT"

MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

JOE, WE CAN PUT YOU INTO ANOTHER MAN'S BODY,

PROVIDED HIS DEATH HAS NOT YET BEEN DISCOVERED.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

PUT ME INTO ANOTHER MAN'S BODY?

I JUST GOT MY BODY BACK IN SHAPE.

JOE, THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN RETURN TO LIFE

IS IN THE BODY OF ANOTHER MAN.

I SHALL HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE OF THIS CASE PERSONALLY.

INCREDIBLY GRACEFUL.

HE'S ABOUT YOUR AGE AND IN PERFECT CONDITION.

HE'S TOO SHORT. HE'D NEVER SEE OVER THE LINE.

AAH! AAH!

YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHAPE YOU GOTTA BE IN

TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL?

YES, JOE. I UNDERSTAND.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

HE'S NOT TALKING ENGLISH.

I TOLD YOU HE WAS GERMAN.

HEY, YOU TALK ANY ENGLISH?

WE CAN'T BE SEEN OR HEARD, JOE.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO TALK GERMAN.

[CRASH]

I GOT TO BE ABLE TO CALL PLAYS IN ENGLISH.

JOE, IF YOU COULD NOT SO MUCH LOWER

BUT BROADEN YOUR STANDARDS.

WE'VE SEEN MANY BODIES,

AND THE CHOICES ARE BECOMING LIMITED.

Julia, please, I beg of you.

I WANT A DRINK.

THERE'S PLENTY--

I'VE GOT TO HAVE A DRINK.

NO, NO, NO.

MR. FARNSWORTH LOATHES COLD CUCUMBER SOUP.

HEY, THIS IS SOME HOUSE. WHO LIVES HERE?

LEO FARNSWORTH, A MAN OF ENORMOUS POWER.

WE SHOULD MAKE THE ARRANGEMENT LATER THIS AFTERNOON.

THANK YOU, SISK.

JUST LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN AS YOU LEAVE, SISK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THE MORE SERVANTS WHO SEE US, THE BETTER.

Joe: THIS GUY? ARE YOU KIDDING?

Jordan: THAT'S NOT FARNSWORTH.

GIVE ME A DRINK. DON'T DRINK.

WHO ARE THEY?

FARNSWORTH'S WIFE AND HIS CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY.

YOU HATE ME.

DON'T BE RIDICULOUS. I LOVE YOU.

I WANT A DRINK! TONY--

IT WOULD BE BETTER IF YOU DIDN'T DRINK.

HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE THEY FIND HIM?

I DON'T KNOW, DARLING.

IT SHOULDN'T BE LONG, MY DEAREST.

I'M GLAD WE DID IT.

WE COULDN'T HELP IT.

JULIA, IT WOULD BE BETTER

IF YOU'D TRY NOT TO UNRAVEL NOW.

THANK YOU, JULIA.

IS FARNSWORTH DEAD YET?

NOT YET.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?

HE CAN'T KEEP HIS EYES OPEN.

HE'S BEEN DRUGGED BY THOSE TWO DOWNSTAIRS.

THIS IS A MURDER.

YOU SEE HOW HE'S SLOWLY SLIDING INTO THE WATER?

HEY, SOMEBODY, GET--

HEY, HEY, GET A DOCTOR. THERE'S A GUY--

HEY, GET A DOCTOR.

YOU GOT A GUY DROWNING IN THE BATHTUB.

YOU LEFT A BARE POT ON THE CARPET.

I CAN'T HOLD EVERYTHING AT ONCE.

MRS. FARNSWORTH

WOULD KILL YOU IF SHE SAW THAT.

HEY, SOMEBODY! YOU GOT, UH--

GIVE ME A DRINK. I'D LIKE A DRINK!

TRY NOT TO GO OVERBOARD, DEAR.

HE WAS A LECHEROUS, SADISTIC SON OF A BITCH.

EVERYONE WANTED HIM DEAD. I SHOULD BE CANONIZED!

PERHAPS ONE DRINK.

Woman: WHERE CAN THE MAN BE?

Sisk: I'M SORRY, MISS LOGAN.

WHAT HARM CAN THAT DO HIM?

Julia: WE DID IT,

BUT THAT MAN DESERVES TO BE DEAD.

Tony: PLEASE.

Joe: THEY'RE MURDERERS.

WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

I'M SORRY, SIR. IT'S THAT MISS LOGAN

HERE TO SEE MR. FARNSWORTH.

SHOW HER IN.

YES, SIR.

OH, MY GOD.

NO. IT'S THE PERFECT ALIBI.

SHE INSISTS ON SEEING HIM.

LET'S LOOK FOR ANOTHER BODY.

A SERVANT WILL FIND THE BODY.

KEEP SISK WITH YOU AT ALL TIMES

TO ESTABLISH YOUR WHEREABOUTS.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

Sisk: MISS LOGAN, SIR.

OH, MISS LOGAN. I'M TONY ABBOTT.

THIS IS THE LIBRARY.

THAT'S MRS. FARNSWORTH.

HELLO.

I'M GOING INTO THE LIVING ROOM.

WANT TO COME, SISK?

OH, YES. CERTAINLY, MADAM.

I'M MR. FARNSWORTH'S

PERSONAL AND PRIVATE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER YOU KNEW THAT.

I'M SORRY HE'S NOT DOWN YET.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'LL WAIT.

WOULD YOU TAKE A SEAT?

NO, THANK YOU.

PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO TELL ME WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

MR. FARNSWORTH HAS BEEN SENT HUNDREDS OF LETTERS

FROM A TOWN IN ENGLAND CALLED PAGGLESHAM.

THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE-- 1,600, INCLUDING MY FATHER--

ARE ABOUT TO BE FORCIBLY EVICTED FROM THEIR HOMES

TO MAKE WAY FOR THE PROPOSED EXO-GREY REFINERY.

NOT ONLY WILL HUNDREDS OF FAMILIES

BE FORCED TO FIND OTHER HOMES,

BUT THE FEW WHO REMAIN WILL HAVE THEIR HEALTH ENDANGERED

BY THE INEVITABLE POISONING OF THEIR AIR AND WATER,

THE DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE FOR WHICH I HAVE HERE,

ALONG WITH A PETITION

SIGNED BY THE 1,673 CITIZENS OF THAT AREA.

THIS IS WHAT I'M HERE

TO SEE MR. FARNSWORTH ABOUT.

YOU'RE AWARE MR. FARNSWORTH

CONDUCTS BUSINESS AT HIS OFFICE?

I'VE BEEN TO HIS OFFICE. HE REFUSED TO SEE ME.

I SERIOUSLY DOUBT HE'D SEE YOU HERE.

HE'LL HAVE TO, BECAUSE I'M NOT LEAVING.

I'M SORRY?

I'M NOT LEAVING.

I'VE COME 8,000 MILES, MR. ABBOTT,

TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT A TERRIBLE INJUSTICE

THAT THIS MAN LEO FARNSWORTH HAS PERPETRATED

ON HUNDREDS OF INNOCENT, DEFENSELESS PEOPLE.

SOMEBODY OUGHT TO HELP HER.

YOU CAN HELP HER, JOE.

YOU CAN BE FARNSWORTH.

IF MR. FARNSWORTH DOESN'T SEE ME,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.

Tony: IS THAT A THREAT?

YES.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FARNSWORTH.

THE DECISION IS YOURS.

MISS LOGAN, YOU GIVE ME NO CHOICE.

SISK!

IF I HAD TO BE FARNSWORTH,

COULD WE DO IT TEMPORARY?

YES.

WE COULD ARRANGE THAT IF YOU WISH IT.

SISK!

SISK, PLEASE TELL MR. FARNSWORTH

MISS LOGAN IS HERE

AND REFUSES TO LEAVE.

YES, SIR.

IF YOU REALLY WANT TO HELP HER,

YOU'D BETTER HURRY.

WELL, IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY, RIGHT?

THAT'S CORRECT.

ONLY FARNSWORTH CAN HELP HER.

ONCE THE BODY'S DISCOVERED, IT'LL BE TOO LATE.

HEY.

THAT'S ME.

I HAVEN'T CHANGED.

IT'S JUST ME.

Sisk: MR. FARNSWORTH?

NOW WHAT DO WE DO?

MR. FARNSWORTH, ARE YOU THERE, SIR?

I'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS.

WHAT WILL WE DO NOW?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ANSWER HIM.

PEOPLE CAN HEAR ME NOW?

OF COURSE.

BUT HE KNOWS THE OTHER GUY'S VOICE.

MR. FARNSWORTH, IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN THERE?

ANSWER HIM.

AHEM. UM, WILL YOU TAKE IT EASY?

I'LL BE OUT IN A MINUTE.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

It works.

OF COURSE. INWARDLY, YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED.

YOU'RE STILL JOE PENDLETON.

THAT'S WHAT YOU AND I SEE.

BUT OUTWARDLY, YOU'RE LEO FARNSWORTH,

AND THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE ELSE WILL SEE.

MISS BETTY LOGAN IS DOWNSTAIRS, SIR.

SHE INSISTS UPON SEEING YOU.

DO YOU WISH TO DRESS, SIR?

OH, UH, SURE, SURE.

VERY GOOD, SIR.

YOU MEAN I'M GOING TO SOUND LIKE THIS GUY,

NO MATTER WHAT I TALK LIKE?

I BEG YOUR PARDON, MR. FARNSWORTH?

YOU SEE?

HA HA HA HA.

HEH HEH HEH HEH.

WELL...

AHH.

WHOA.

JULIA, JULIA, JULIA, PLEASE, PLEASE, DEAR.

PLEASE, DEAR, NOT NOW. NOT NOW.

I WANT A SIP.

YOU'RE SORRY YOU HELPED, AREN'T YOU?

YOU WISH HE WERE ALIVE.

WHY DON'T YOU SAY IT'S NOT TRUE?

YOU DIDN'T SAY IT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S NOT TRUE.

SAY IT AGAIN.

DARLING, DARLING, IT'S NOT TRUE.

I DON'T HATE YOU. I LOVE YOU.

THERE, SIR.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

AHEM.

YOUR HELMET, SIR.

HUH?

YOUR POLO HELMET, SIR.

OH, THANKS. THANKS. UH, DO I PLAY POLO?

OH, NOT REALLY, SIR.

SIR?

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THIS LOGAN GIRL IS A GODSEND.

WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?

PICK UP THE FOUNTAINHEAD. PRETEND YOU'RE READING.

Lavinia: RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

Corinne: YOU GO UP.

ALL RIGHT.

MISS LOGAN, SIR.

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU'VE HEARD WHAT I HAVE TO SAY.

UH, OH, YEAH. WELL, GOOD.

YOU'VE BEEN SENT HUNDREDS OF LETTERS

FROM A TOWN IN ENGLAND CALLED PAGGLESHAM.

I KNOW ABOUT THAT SITUATION.

HAVE YOU READ THE LETTERS?

WELL...

UH...

WELL, NO.

NO, YOU HAVEN'T. I SUSPECTED AS MUCH.

THAT'S WHY I'VE FLOWN OVER HERE.

I AND THE 1,673 PEOPLE WHOM I REPRESENT

AND WHOSE NAMES ARE ON THIS PETITION

ARE NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEIR FUTURES

TO BE DETERMINED BY MINDLESS BUREAUCRATS

AT THE BECK AND CALL

OF CERTAIN SO-CALLED INDUSTRIALISTS

FOR WHOM ELDERLY MEN AND WOMEN AND CHILDREN

ARE JUST FIGURES TO BE ENTERED

IN YOUR LEDGERS' PROFIT AND LOSS COLUMN.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

YEAH, BUT--

THERE ARE NO BUTS. YOU CAN HAVE ME DRAGGED OUT.

IT WOULD BE BAD PUBLICITY FOR EXO-GREY INDUSTRIES.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN?

I PREFER TO STAND.

WE CAN STAND UP.

I'VE MADE IT MY BUSINESS

TO FIND OUT ABOUT EXO-GREY INDUSTRIES.

FACTS THAT WOULD MAKE INTERESTING NEWSPAPER COPY.

AH. WELL...

YOUR TEA, MR. FARNSWORTH.

OH, RIGHT. UH, YEAH.

MY--MY--MY TEA.

UH...

ANYTHING ELSE, MR. FARNSWORTH?

UH, NO. I THINK THAT'S ABOUT IT.

UH, THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU. UH, YOU WANT SOME TEA?

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO ABOUT PAGGLESHAM.

PAGGLESHAM! PAGGLESHAM!

IT'S WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

THESE PEOPLE CARE VERY MUCH

THAT THEIR COMMUNITY DOESN'T BECOME DESTROYED

IN THE NAME OF FREE ENTERPRISE.

THEY CARE BECAUSE THEY ARE A COMMUNITY

WHERE HUNDREDS OF FAMILIES HAVE LIVED FOR GENERATIONS.

I KNOW.

THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO ALLOW YOU

TO INTIMIDATE AND FRIGHTEN THEM.

I DON'T FRIGHTEN ANYBODY.

AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH! AAH! MMMF!

MMMF!

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT?

WELL, THAT-- THAT WAS M--

UH, MY-- MY MRS. FARNSWORTH.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MR. FARNSWORTH.

MRS. FARNSWORTH SAW A MOUSE,

BUT SHE'S BETTER NOW.

SHE JUST SAW A MOUSE?

NO. BEFORE. OUTSIDE. BUT SHE RELIVES IT.

I'LL BE IN THE OTHER ROOM IF YOU NEED ME, SIR.

EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HER?

WELL, LISTEN, UH... I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S REALLY NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

YOUR WIFE'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS?

WAIT. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND ONE THING.

WE WILL NEVER ALLOW YOU TO BUILD THAT REFINERY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL BUILD MY REFINERY IN SOME OTHER PLACE.

VERY FUNNY.

IF YOU THINK I'M GOING BACK TO PAGGLESHAM, YOU'RE WRONG.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF ME.

YOU THINK A SCHOOLTEACHER FROM A SMALL TOWN

IS NO CHALLENGE FOR A WORLD-FAMOUS INDUSTRIALIST.

WILL YOU PLEASE LISTEN?

JUST BE QUIET A MINUTE.

JUST LET ME SAY ONE THING.

WHAT IS IT?

SIT DOWN.

WHY?

IF YOU'D JUST SIT DOWN,

I THINK I CAN EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU

THAT'LL CLEAR THIS WHOLE THING UP.

I'M NOT REALLY LEO FARNSWORTH.

WHAT?

MY NAME IS JOE.

VERY FUNNY, MR. FARNSWORTH.

I'M SURE YOU ENJOY PLAYING THESE INSULTING LITTLE GAMES.

HOWEVER, I HAPPEN TO KNOW ABOUT

YOUR BOARD MEETING ON THURSDAY,

WHICH MAY MEAN NOTHING TO YOU,

BUT IF YOU THINK YOU CAN TREAT WOMEN

WITH THE SAME CONTEMPT YOUR COMPANY TREATS THE WORLD,

YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT

THE STRENGTH AND PERSISTENCE OF PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF.

DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS.

YOU GOT TILL THAT BOARD MEETING ON THURSDAY

TO FIND ME A BODY THAT CAN PLAY QUARTERBACK.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

DARLING, I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO.

I'M GOING TO LET YOU GO NOW.

LISTEN. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE FRIGHTENED OF.

THERE'S PLENTY TO BE WORRIED ABOUT,

BUT THERE IS NOTHING TO BE FRIGHTENED OF.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? CAN I TRUST YOU?

YES, DEAREST? HMM.

HMM.

YOU LOCKED ME IN A CLOSET.

ONLY FOR A MOMENT.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

YOU SAW A MOUSE.

I'M NOT GOOD AT SPUR- OF-THE-MOMENT ALIBIS.

HE'S PROBABLY GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE

TO LOCK US AWAY FOREVER.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS.

I SAW HIM INHALE THE NOSE SPRAY.

HE NEVER REALLY INHALED IT.

HE OVERHEARD US SOMEHOW.

MAYBE HE'S GOT US BUGGED RIGHT NOW.

AN ELECTRONICS EXPERT SWEEPS THE PLACE DAILY.

HE'S AFRAID OF BEING BUGGED, TOO.

HE'S PLAYING WITH US.

HE'S PLAYING A GAME WITH US,

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

YOU LOCKED ME IN A CLOSET. WHY?

AAH! AAH!

HELLO.

MR. FARNSWORTH WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU NOW.

YES, INDEED. YES.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME, MRS. FARNSWORTH?

YES, OF COURSE, MR. ABBOTT.

WE COULD TAKE IT UP AT THE BOARD MEETING,

BUT I'M SURE IT'S LEGAL.

CAN'T YOU DO SOMETHING LEGAL AND BE WRONG?

IN WHAT SENSE?

BAD FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

WHAT ARE YOU REFERRING TO?

LIKE THIS REFINERY IN PAGGLESHAM.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

WAS THAT THE LIVING ROOM?

NO. THAT WAS MY OFFICE.

MY COORDINATION IS SHOT, HUH?

YES, SIR.

JUST NOT MY DAY.

NO, SIR.

I WANTED TO DISCUSS THE HAITIAN ARRANGEMENT,

THE 2 1/2 MILLION ACRES.

WHAT 2 1/2 MILLION ACRES?

THE SUGAR DEAL.

IT'S NO GOOD.

THE DEAL?

NO. SUGAR. IT'S BAD FOR THE BODY.

WANT ME TO SPEAK TO THE HAITIAN AMBASSADOR?

CHECK ON THAT PAGGLESHAM THING.

SEE IF WE'RE HURTING ANYBODY.

IF WE'RE HURTING ANYBODY?

YEAH.

Is the wicket bugged?

WE CERTAINLY WOULDN'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY.

THAT'S THE LAST THING

EXO-GREY WOULD EVER WANT TO DO, ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

YEAH. WE DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY.

THANK YOU.

AH. "PAGGLESHAM."

He pretended not to know what a stockholder was.

I can't tell whether he's toying with me

or if he'd precipitate a crisis in the company.

Of course he's toying.

Think he'll forget being drugged?

Why would he pretend?

For the same reason

he pretended to inhale the nose spray--to bait us.

He's waiting for us to crack.

Do you actually think he's playing that saxophone?

There's a tape inside.

That's why we hear the same song over and over.

It's like those idiot costumes of his.

YOU ARE DUMB, AREN'T YOU?

THANKS.

THANK YOU.

TV: THEIR MAGIC NUMBER IS NOW JUST ONE,

MEANING A RAM VICTORY SUNDAY

OR NEXT WEEK AGAINST THE FALCONS

OR A 49er LOSS,

AND THE RAMS CLINCH THE NFL WESTERN DIVISION TITLE.

THE WAY THEY'VE BEEN PLAYING,

THE TEAM FEELS THIS IS THE RAMS' YEAR

TO GO TO THE SUPER BOWL.

JARRETT HAS COMPLETED AN ASTOUNDING 62%

OF HIS PASSES FOR 18 TOUCHDOWNS.

THE DEFENSE HAS GIVEN UP BUT 10 POINTS A GAME,

WHILE THE OFFENSE IS SCORING 21 POINTS A GAME.

THE RAMS' RECORD IS THE BEST...

WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT, UM...

NOBODY SHOULD HAVE THAT INFORMATION,

BECAUSE IF 2 BIG COMPANIES GET TOGETHER,

THEY'RE WORTH MORE MONEY, HUH?

YES, SIR.

THAT'S WHY THE RUMOR OF A MERGER

MAKES THE PRICE OF THE STOCK RISE.

IF IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SECRET,

HOW DOES THE RUMOR START?

WELL, SIR, WRONG AS IT SEEMS,

THEY LEAK IT.

BUT THAT'S DISHONEST, ISN'T IT?

YES, IT IS.

WELL...

IF I GOT A BOARD MEETING TOMORROW,

I GOT TO DO A LOT OF STUDYING TONIGHT.

YES, SIR.

HOW YOU DOING DOWN THERE?

OH, I'M DOING FINE. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YEAH?

THANKS.

THANKS A LOT.

SAY, UH, THANKS FOR DINNER.

I THINK WE SHOULD DO IT RIGHT AWAY.

SISK, MAY WE HAVE SOME MORE COFFEE, PLEASE?

[SAXOPHONE PLAYING]

AND NOW FOR YOUR HAT, SIR.

DO YOU WISH THE HOMBURG OR THE BOWLER, SIR,

OR SOMETHING THAT MAKES MORE OF A STATEMENT?

WHATEVER YOU SAY.

WHY HAVE I GOT SO MANY OF THESE SAILOR OUTFITS?

OH, SIR, YOU HAVE ALWAYS FANCIED THE SEA.

UH-HUH. DO I SAIL?

[SNICKERS]

NOT REALLY, SIR.

UH-HUH.

OK, OK.

MR. FARNSWORTH, I'M HELEN RICH FROM THE TIMES.

I'VE THIS PETITION FROM THE CITIZENS OF PAGGLESHAM.

DO YOU PLAN TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

WE'RE TAKING THAT UNDER CONSIDERATION.

WE REALLY HAVE TO BE GOING.

MR. FARNSWORTH, IS IT TRUE

THAT 3 NEWLY PROPOSED EXO-GREY FACTORIES

WILL DISPLACE 11 COMMUNITIES?

11? IS IT THAT MANY?

THEY GRANTED THE PERMITS TO BUILD THEM.

I GUESS SO, IF WE GOT 'EM.

HOW DID EXO-GREY GET THOSE PERMITS?

BEATS ME. I GUESS WE BRIBED SOMEBODY.

HE'S JOKING.

REALLY, WE MUST BE GOING.

MR. FARNSWORTH,

WHAT ABOUT ACRILONITRILE?

WHAT ABOUT WHAT?

ACRILONITRILE--

THE TOXIC SUBSTANCE RELEASED

BY THE PLASTIC BOTTLES YOUR COMPANY MARKETS

DESPITE THE CONSUMER PROTECTION LEAGUE'S LAWSUIT

FORCING YOU TO DELAY DISTRIBUTION

UNTIL THE EFFECTS HAVE BEEN TESTED.

I'VE BEEN STUDYING THIS THING.

WHY DON'T YOU COME INSIDE

AND SEE WHAT'S GOING ON YOURSELVES?

YOU CAN'T HAVE OUTSIDERS--

SURE, WE CAN.

COME ON IN, EVERYBODY.

Joe: HI.

HI. HOW YOU DOING, EVERYBODY? I, UH...

THESE PEOPLE ARE REPORTERS FROM SOME OF THE NEWSPAPERS.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD

IF THEY SAW HOW WE DID THINGS.

LEO, THIS IS A VERY DANGEROUS PRECEDENT.

WE HAVE A VERY FULL AGENDA TODAY ALREADY.

I DON'T SEE THAT WE HAVE TIME FOR A PRESS--

COULDN'T AN ACCIDENT IN YOUR WEST COAST NUCLEAR PLANT

STIMULATE SEISMIC ACTIVITY IN THE SAN ANDREAS FAULT,

WHICH COULD DESTROY MOST OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA?

I THINK YOU'D HAVE TO DEFINE "DESTROY."

EXCUSE ME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'D LIKE TO MAKE SOMETHING PERFECTLY CLEAR.

THE EXO-GREY NUCLEAR FACILITY

HAS A FOOLPROOF BUILT-IN SAFETY SYSTEM

THAT GUARANTEES NO DANGER OF ANY KIND.

THAT'S RUBBISH.

IF THERE'S NO DANGER,

WHY ARE WE IN A LAWSUIT?

IT'S A PROTEST, NOT A LAWSUIT.

THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

WE'RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

EVERYBODY'S SUING US.

WE GOT A LAWSUIT FROM A REFINERY,

A NUCLEAR LAWSUIT.

A GUY NAMED PORPOISE IS SUING US.

UH, MR. FARNSWORTH,

THAT'S AN ECOLOGICAL SUIT

BROUGHT AGAINST OUR CANNING FACTORY

FOR DESTROYING PORPOISES.

AHEM. UH...

FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE KNOWS THAT.

WE CAN PORPOISES?

OUR SAN DIEGO FLEET IS...

AS EVERYBODY HERE KNOWS,

WE CAN TUNA.

IN NETTING THE TUNA,

WE KILL A NUMBER OF PORPOISES.

SINCE THEY'RE MAMMALS OF ALLEGED HIGH INTELLIGENCE,

THERE'S BEEN AN OUTCRY.

YEAH...WELL...

UH...

YEAH.

UH...

YEAH.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHY IS HE BRINGING THE PRESS IN HERE?

YOU KNOW LEO FARNSWORTH.

MAYBE I DON'T KNOW LEO FARNSWORTH.

EXACTLY.

WE HAVE A CORPORATE RESPONSIBILITY

EXTENDING TO THOUSANDS OF SHAREHOLDERS

OF MODERATE MEANS,

PEOPLE WHO ARE LESS WELL OFF

THAN THE ECOLOGICAL GROUPS FIGHTING US.

IF WE WERE A FOOTBALL TEAM,

WOULD YOU SAY WE HAD A WINNING SEASON SO FAR?

LEO, I HAVEN'T THE FAINTEST IDEA WHAT YOU'RE--

JUST GENERALLY.

WOULD YOU SAY WE GOT A WINNING SEASON?

I WOULD SAY ON BALANCE

WE HAVE HAD AN EXTREMELY GOOD YEAR.

WE'VE GOT A WINNING SEASON.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE AHEAD IN THE GAME?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

I'LL TELL YOU, YOU DON'T MAKE MISTAKES.

YOU DON'T GAMBLE UNNECESSARILY.

YOU GOT TO PROTECT YOUR LEAD.

YOU DON'T PASS FROM YOUR OWN END ZONE.

YOU MAKE SURE NOBODY GETS HURT.

YOU GOT TO USE THESE GUYS IN THE NEXT GAME.

WE WON THIS GAME.

WE GOT TO STAY IN SHAPE FOR THE REST OF THE GAME.

THAT'S THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.

IT'S LIKE WHEN EVERYBODY WAS SUPPOSED

TO STOP EATING GRAPES.

I DIDN'T

'CAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.

A LOT OF GUYS WILL KEEP EATING TUNA.

BUT I WAS THINKING, WHAT IF WE HAD

A GOOD-GUY TUNA COMPANY ON THE PORPOISE TEAM?

GUYS WOULD BUY THAT

SO KIDS WOULDN'T GET MAD AT THEM.

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE TAKING IN ACCOUNT...

THE EXPENSE.

WE DON'T CARE HOW MUCH IT COSTS,

JUST HOW MUCH IT MAKES.

IF IT COSTS TOO MUCH, WE CHARGE A PENNY MORE.

WOULD YOU PAY MORE TO SAVE FISH WHO THINKS?

AND WE HANDLE ALL THE LAWSUITS THAT WAY.

LET OTHER TEAMS BUILD POWER PLANTS

IN THE WRONG PLACES.

LET THE OTHER QUARTERBACK THROW A GURGLE OUT

SO NEWSPAPERS GET AHOLD OF IT.

LET'S BE THE TEAM THAT MAKES THE RULES.

LET US BE THE TEAM THAT PLAYS FAIR.

LET'S BE THE POPULAR PLAYERS.

WE'LL HAVE TO FORGET THESE NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS

UNTIL WE KNOW THEY'RE SAFE.

THAT REFINERY IN PAGGLESHAM,

WE'LL HAVE TO RELOCATE IT.

IT'LL COST US $35 MILLION,

BUT WE'RE GOING TO COME OUT AHEAD.

WHATEVER THAT STUFF IS WE'RE MAKING, THAT PLASTIC,

WE'LL HAVE TO STOP.

WE'RE NOT IN HERE FOR JUST ONE GAME, ARE WE?

WE'RE GOING ALL THE WAY.

LET'S GET TO THE SUPER BOWL!

WHEN WE GET THERE, LET'S ALREADY HAVE WON!

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

OH, JUST FINE. THANK YOU.

VERY WELL. MM-HMM. I'M JUST...

WHAT IS HAPPENING?

TV: ...AND GIVE THE RAMS HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE

THROUGH THE PLAYOFFS AND THE SUPER BOWL.

THIS SUPER BOWL IS SET FOR THE COLISEUM.

IF HE WEREN'T GOING TO BE DEAD SOON,

HE'D NEED YEARS OF PSYCHIATRIC HELP.

LET'S DO IT TONIGHT.

TV: THE RAMS WILL PROBABLY FACE DALLAS

IN THE OPENING ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS.

IF THEY WIN--

MR. PENDLETON.

HEY!

TV: ...CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE 26th.

AM I GLAD TO SEE YOU.

LINE UP ANY BODIES YET?

WE HAVEN'T GOT A LOT OF TIME--

UH...THE, UH...

TV: ...AND ONLY 4 MEASLY FIELD GOALS.

UH, HI.

I--I'M JUST...

TV: THEY'RE HOME AGAINST CINCINNATI...

WHAT'S UP?

WE HAVE A NUMBER OF INTERESTING PROBABILITIES.

I KEPT MY WORD TO BETTY LOGAN.

DID YOU FIND A BODY IN GOOD SHAPE?

I WANT TO SEE SOME BODIES.

AHEM.

Joe: SOMEBODY WITH GOOD LEGS, GOOD ARMS.

THE SUPER BOWL'S COMING UP.

YOU MUST HAVE CHECKED A LOT OF BODIES--

WHO IS IT?

IT'S SISK, SIR.

COME IN, SISK.

SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, MR. FARNSWORTH,

BUT MISS BETTY LOGAN IS DOWNSTAIRS

AND ASKS IF SHE MIGHT HAVE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME.

BETTY L--

UH...

TELL HER I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN.

AH. VERY GOOD, SIR.

DO YOU, UH...

DO YOU WISH THE DOOR CLOSED, SIR?

UH... CLOSED IS FINE.

THANK YOU.

DO THE BEST YOU CAN DO.

I GOT TO SEE WHAT SHE WANTS.

HI.

UM...

MR. FARNSWORTH,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU MUST THINK OF ME

AFTER MY BEHAVIOR AT OUR FIRST MEETING,

BUT I FEEL I MUST TELL YOU

WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY THING IT IS YOU DID TODAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY--

NO, IT'S...

BECAUSE I--I--

YOU KNOW WHAT? UH...

YOU LOOK A LITTLE PALE.

YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BENTLEY. EVERETT.

MISS LOGAN'S GOING TO HAVE DINNER WITH US,

SO PUT ON ANOTHER PLATE.

WHIP UP A LIVER AND WHEY SHAKE.

WHERE YOU GOING?

OH, I THOUGHT...

YOU THOUGHT I MEANT TO GO OUT.

SISK, WE'RE GOING OUT.

COME ON.

BENTLEY! EVERETT!

WE'RE GOING OUT AND EAT.

WHICH HAT WOULD YOU PREFER?

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO WEAR A HAT.

I'M SICK OF HATS.

DON'T SHOW ME ANY MORE HATS.

YES, SIR.

NO MORE HATS.

IT'S, UH...

DO YOU EAT HERE OFTEN?

ARE YOU--NAH, LOOK...

I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D WANT PEOPLE

TO SEE YOU OUT WITH A GUY LIKE ME.

I SEE.

[POLICE SIREN]

P.A.: PICK UP 24. PICK UP 28.

I'M SORRY.

I JUST CAN'T STOP STARING AT YOU.

I SEEM TO BE STARING AT YOU, TOO.

EVEN WHEN I WAS TRYING TO HATE YOU,

I COULDN'T HELP SEEING SOMETHING ELSE,

SOMETHING...

WHAT?

IN YOUR EYES. DOES THAT SOUND SILLY?

WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT A PERSON LOOKS LIKE

OR WHO THEY ARE OR ANYTHING.

WHAT IS IT?

THIS ISN'T WHAT I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME.

LISTEN, I GOT TO TALK TO SOMEBODY RIGHT AWAY.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I TOOK YOU HOME?

UH...

I, UH...

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD--GOOD NIGHT.

OH, HEY, BY THE WAY,

I'M GETTING A DIVORCE.

BUT YOU AND YOUR WIFE AREN'T EVEN SEPARATED.

OH, SURE, WE ARE. IT'S A BIG HOUSE.

OH.

HEY! HOW YOU DOING, BENTLEY?

FINE, SIR.

MR. PENDLETON?

OH.

HI.

UH...

I DON'T WANT THAT BODY

WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT.

SOMETHING HAPPENED TONIGHT.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

WE'VE GONE TO ENORMOUS DIFFICULTIES

TO FIND YOU AN ATHLETE.

I WANTED IT, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE.

SOMETHING HAPPENED WITH BETTY LOGAN.

I CHANGED MY MIND, THAT'S ALL.

I'LL GET FARNSWORTH'S BODY INTO SHAPE.

I'LL GET CORKLE TO HELP ME...

BACK IN THERE, EH?

OH, YES.

Joe: I CAN DO IT.

I KNOW MORE ABOUT GETTING INTO SHAPE THAN ANYBODY.

SO HOLD UP ON THAT BODY.

HOLD UP ON THE BODY?

TELL MR. JORDAN NOT TO WORRY ABOUT IT.

THANK HIM. I'M VERY SORRY.

I WANT TO GET INTO SHAPE WITH THIS BODY.

YOU LEAVE ME SPEECHLESS.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO THAT.

I CAN'T EVEN THINK HOW TO RETORT

TO SOMETHING AS RIDICULOUS AS TURNING DOWN A BODY

WE'VE GONE TO SUCH EXTREMES TO FIND,

AND AN ATHLETE AT THAT, IN PRIME CONDITION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WHAT DO I DO WITH HIS COCOA?

I DON'T WANT TO DISTURB HIM,

BUT IT'LL GET COLD.

I NOTICE THERE ARE 2 CUPS.

SISK FELT SINCE HE WAS PRETENDING

TO TALK TO SOMEBODY,

HE MIGHT WANT TO PRETEND TO GIVE HIM COCOA, TOO.

HEY, HOW YOU DOING, EVERETT?

HOW YOU DOING, BENTLEY?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hurry up. Hurry up.

WAIT A MINUTE. JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT WE DON'T LOVE EACH OTHER,

SO LET'S GET DIVORCED.

LEO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

COME ON. YES, YOU DO.

ABBOTT, THERE'S A TRAINER FOR THE RAMS

NAMED MAX CORKLE.

COULD YOU CALL AND ASK HIM TO COME SEE ME?

Tony: YES, MR. FARNSWORTH.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU IDIOT! YOU IDIOT!

WHY DID YOU ANSWER HIM?

I COULDN'T RESIST. HIS WILL IS TOO STRONG.

TV: THAT'S OUR WEEKEND FORECAST.

NOW HERE'S BRYANT GUMBEL WITH TONIGHT'S SPORTS.

LEACH AND CHAR WILL HAVE TO--

HE'S DEAD.

IT'S OVER WITH.

TV: ...LEFT FOR PHILADELPHIA THIS MORNING,

HOPING TO PLAY THEIR LAST ROAD--

AT LAST, AT LAST.

AT LAST, MY DEAREST.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YES! JUST A MINUTE. YES!

YES, SISK.

AND, UH, ABBOTT,

CORKLE'S NUMBER IS 654-1654.

YES, MR. FARNSWORTH.

OK.

OH, MY GOD.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

MR. FARNSWORTH IS WAITING FOR YOU

IN THE BALLROOM.

FOLLOW ME, PLEASE.

MR. CORKLE, SIR.

MAX.

HOW YOU DOING?

FINE.

MAX...

HEY, LOST A LITTLE WEIGHT, HUH?

HAVE WE MET?

UH, SORT OF. YEAH.

THANKS, SISK.

HEY.

MAX, HA!

HEY. I HEAR YOU GOT

ALL JOE PENDLETON'S ATHLETIC EQUIPMENT.

YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

I'D LIKE TO BUY IT FROM YOU.

I'D LIKE TO BRING IT IN HERE.

NO, I'M SORRY, MR. FARNSWORTH.

THAT'S NOT FOR SALE.

NO?

WHAT DO YOU WANT IT FOR?

I'D LIKE YOU TO HELP ME TRAIN.

OH, TRAIN?

YEAH. AS SOON AS I'M READY...

I WANT YOU TO GET ME A TRYOUT WITH THE RAMS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING OUT FOR?

QUARTERBACK.

QUARTERBACK.

YEAH, WELL, THE POINT IS, MR. FARNSWORTH,

WE ALREADY GOT A QUARTERBACK WORKING WITH THE TEAM.

WE GOT A COUPLE OF PRETTY GOOD BACKUPS.

YOU CALL HODGES GOOD, HUH?

THE POINT IS WE DON'T NEED A QUARTERBACK.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU TRY ONE OF THE OTHER TEAMS?

THE OAKLAND RAIDERS ARE PRETTY CLOSE TO L.A.

GIVE THEM A CALL AND SEE WHAT THEY SAY.

I WANT TO GET IN SHAPE

IN TIME FOR THE SUPER BOWL.

WHAT WOULD IT COST TO TRY OUT?

LOOK, MR. FARNSWORTH, NO TEAM WANTS A CRAZY TRAINER,

AND ONLY A CRAZY TRAINER WOULD ARRANGE A TRYOUT FOR YOU.

YOU KEEP YOUR MONEY, I'LL KEEP MY JOB,

AND WE'LL KEEP THIS LITTLE MISUNDERSTANDING TO OURSELVES.

HEY, LISTEN-- THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL FINISH THAT UP.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU

I WAS A PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL PLAYER?

BOY, HEY, THESE-- THESE ARE NICE.

MAX...

YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE DIE?

YEAH. WHY?

AND AFTER THEY DIE, THEY GO TO HEAVEN?

I GUESS, IF--IF THEY'RE GOOD.

I MEAN, WHY NOT?

YOU KNOW HOW IT WORKS IN HEAVEN?

NOT EXACTLY.

IT'S PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME.

PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME.

PROBABILITY AND OUTCOME.

I NEVER KNEW THAT.

LET'S SAY THERE'S A PROBABILITY

THAT SOME GUY'S GOING TO DIE.

WHAT HAPPENS IS AN ESCORT

FROM HIS WAY STATION GETS A SIGNAL.

HE GOES DOWN AND WAITS FOR THE OUTCOME.

IF THE GUY LIVES, HE WASTED A TRIP.

IF HE DIES, HE PICKS HIM UP

AND TAKES HIM BACK TO HIS WAY STATION.

HE PUTS HIM IN LINE FOR HIS FINAL DESTINATION.

MIND IF I SMOKE?

GO AHEAD.

LET'S SAY THERE'S A NEW ESCORT.

HE GETS A SIGNAL.

HE TAKES OFF AND SEES A GUY

RIDING A BICYCLE INTO A TUNNEL.

THE CAR'S COMING THE OTHER WAY.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO WAIT FOR THE OUTCOME,

BUT HE'S NEW AND FIGURES THE GUY'S A GONER.

HE FIGURES, WHY SHOULD I HAVE THE CAR HIT HIM?

WHY NOT TAKE HIM OUT A FEW SECONDS EARLY

AND TAKE HIM UP TO HIS WAY STATION?

LISTEN, I, UH... NEED A MATCH.

THAT CLOCK, THAT'S A LIGHTER.

SO THE THING IS,

THE GUY HE TAKES UP TO THE WAY STATION

ISN'T JUST SOME ORDINARY GUY.

HE'S AN ATHLETE WITH FANTASTIC REFLEXES.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE HIT THE CAR AT ALL, SEE?

HOW DO YOU LIGHT THIS?

THE GUY WASN'T REALLY DEAD.

HIS NUMBER WASN'T UP FOR YEARS.

HE WOULD HAVE MISSED THE CAR.

LOOK AT THE TIME. IS THIS LIGHTER RIGHT?

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT HIM BACK IN HIS BODY,

BUT THEY CAN'T 'CAUSE HE'S BEEN CREMATED.

THEY HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER BODY FOR HIM.

NOW, LOOK, MR. FARNSWORTH, I'M JUST A TRAINER.

WHAT YOU NEED IS LIKE A REALLY GOOD DOCTOR.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY?

SURE. THAT'S A HELL OF A STORY.

MAX, YOU-- MR. JORDAN.

I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

I'M TRYING TO GET FARNSWORTH

INTO SHAPE FOR THE SUPER BOWL.

I WANT CORKLE TO HELP ME.

SOMEBODY WITH US? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

MR. JORDAN. HE RUNS THE WAY STATION.

YOU CAN'T SEE HIM. YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

YOU PROBABLY GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT.

I'LL BE ON MY WAY.

WAIT A SECOND, MAX.

TELL HIM WHO YOU ARE, JOE.

HE'S NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE ME.

HE'S THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

WHO CAN GET ME A TRYOUT WITH THE RAMS.

YOU CAN MAKE HIM BELIEVE YOU.

MAX! I'M NOT FARNSWORTH. I'M JOE PENDLETON.

FARNSWORTH'S WIFE AND SECRETARY MURDERED HIM.

THIS IS JUST A BODY THEY FOUND FOR ME.

THEY DRUGGED HIM, STUCK HIM IN A BATHTUB,

THEN I STEPPED IN.

IT'S NOT BAD MATERIAL. I CAN GET IT INTO SHAPE.

MAX, PLEASE.

LOOK, I REALLY WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

I WON'T TELL A WORD TO ANYBODY.

I PROMISE. IT'LL BE OUR LITTLE SECRET.

LIKE WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT YOUR SISTER

AND THE COCA-COLA SALESMAN?

WHAT ABOUT THAT SCAR YOU GOT

ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR TONGUE?

WHAT DID YOU DO AT YOUR UNCLE'S WEDDING?

WHAT ABOUT THE FIRST TIME

I FIXED YOUR NECK IN PITTSBURGH?

[CRACK]

NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME, MAX?

PLEASE SAY YOU BELIEVE ME.

THEY DON'T HAVE A FOOTBALL TEAM IN HEAVEN,

SO GOD COULDN'T MAKE ME FIRST-STRING.

HE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME, MR. JORDAN.

TRY A LITTLE MUSIC, JOE.

THAT'S A GREAT PERSUADER.

JOE, YOU NEVER COULD PLAY THAT THING.

JOE.

YOU ALL RIGHT, MAX?

MAX... YOU ALL RIGHT?

SISK!

EVERETT!

BENTLEY!

WHIP UP A LIVER AND WHEY SHAKE RIGHT AWAY!

I'M GONNA PLAY QUARTERBACK IN THE SUPER BOWL.

AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT, RIGHT, MR. JORDAN?

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'VE GOT COMING TO YOU.

HE'S STILL HERE?

RIGHT THERE.

MAX, LISTEN TO ME.

FARNSWORTH ISN'T IN BAD SHAPE.

I STILL KNOW THE MOVES.

JUST HELP ME WITH THE BODY.

THANKS, MR. JORDAN.

SISK! HOW ABOUT THAT LIVER AND WHEY SHAKE?

HURRY UP. HURRY UP.

I NEED IT FOR MR. CORKLE.

YES, SIR. RIGHT AWAY.

I WANT THE WHOLE STAFF TO SUIT UP.

WE'RE GOING INTO TRAINING.

UH, LISTEN, MR., UH...JORDAN, IS IT?

HUH?

YOU STILL THERE?

UH, ANYTIME YOU WANT TO CHIME IN...

WHY, JUST FEEL FREE.

FEEL FREE. I'M TELLING YOU TO FEEL FREE.

YOU GOT TO HELP ME TALK JOE OUT OF THIS.

IF I DO GET HIM A TRYOUT,

THAT TEAM WILL PUT HIM OUT OF COMMISSION LIKE THAT.

CHRIST, I CAN'T EVEN SNAP MY FINGERS ANYMORE.

OH, SORRY.

HE'S NOT THERE, MAX.

DON'T GET CRAZY ON ME. I'M COUNTING ON YOU.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

THIS JUST ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

THESE ARE THE L.A. RAMS WE'RE FOOLING WITH.

IT--IT'S JUST-- WELL, ALL RIGHT.

I'M STILL FIGURING OUT WHAT I'LL SAY. I...

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

YOU'RE PLAYING FOOTBALL WITH A BUNCH OF BUTLERS.

WE'RE IN THE SUPER BOWL. THIS WON'T WORK.

DON'T WORRY. I FIXED ALL THAT.

HOW?

I BOUGHT THE RAMS.

LEO FARNSWORTH HAS BOUGHT THIS TEAM,

AND HE WANTS TO PLAY QUARTERBACK.

SHIT!

CRAZY SON OF A BITCH.

WE WON'T TAKE THIS BULLSHIT, COACH.

WAIT A MINUTE. LISTEN, FELLAS.

THIS IS THE WAY IT IS.

HE'LL PLAY QUARTERBACK IN WEDNESDAY'S SCRIMMAGE.

AT WHICH TIME, HE AND THE COACH WILL DECIDE

WHETHER HE'S QUALIFIED FOR THE JOB OR NOT.

MR. FARNSWORTH SAYS, "TELL NO ONE TO HOLD BACK."

THESE WERE HIS WORDS.

"LET'S PLAY THAT SCRIMMAGE LIKE THE SUPER BOWL."

TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD.

LET'S KILL HIM.

MY TEAM.

THAT SON OF A BITCH GOT MY TEAM.

WHAT KIND OF PRESSURE DID HE USE, MILT?

WELL, I ASKED FOR 67 MILLION, AND...

HE SAID, "OK."

RUTHLESS BASTARD.

WELL, VERY, VERY NICE.

VERY, VERY, IMPRESSIVE.

I'M TONY ABBOTT,

MR. FARNSWORTH'S PERSONAL SECRETARY.

VERY NICE. VERY...VERY NICE.

DON'T LET ANY OF MR. FARNSWORTH'S

RACIAL STATEMENTS OFFEND YOU,

FOR GOD'S SAKES.

NICE--NICE TALKING TO YOU.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

GET RID OF THAT BALL FAST, ALL RIGHT?

GOOD LUCK, MR. FARNSWORTH.

ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE PLAYS.

I THINK I GOT THEM DOWN LAST NIGHT.

I WANT TO RUN A SPLIT RIGHT, X-GO,

Z-CURL, A Y-STRAIGHT.

LIKE THE SUPER BOWL. BREAK.

READY? BREAK.

LOOK AT GORMAN AND KOWALSKY.

THAT'S HOW THEY LOOK WHEN THEY EAT.

4-3, SET!

HUT!

2-85!

2-85!

HUT.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

SORRY, MR. FARNSWORTH.

NICE.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN, MR. FARNSWORTH.

OK, GET HIM BACK IN THERE.

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!

TRY IT WITH THE BALL!

COME ON, POSITIONS!

PLAYING FOOTBALL IS SO MUCH FUN.

SET!

COME ON NOW!

2-81!

2-81!

HUT!

HUT!

HUT!

HUT!

HUT--

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY, MR. FARNSWORTH.

THIS IS REALLY EMBARRASSING.

HELP HIM UP.

I GUESS YOU WENT OFFSIDES.

COME ON, GUYS,

GET HIM, GET HIM, GET HIM.

GIVE ME A LITTLE MORE ROOM, BILLY.

SET!

LET'S ALL TRY AND STAY ONSIDES.

2-85!

HUT!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

BETTER GET A STRETCHER.

JESUS!

LOOK, HARRY, HE'S AN ECCENTRIC.

WE'VE ALWAYS KNOWN THAT ABOUT FARNSWORTH.

BUYING A FOOTBALL TEAM FOR 67 MILLION

THAT HAS A BOOK VALUE OF 19?

3 WEEKS AGO, THE STOCK SOLD AT 56.

THIS MORNING IT OPENED AT 14.

YOU WANT A REST, MR. FARNSWORTH?

NO, NO, IT'S OK.

MR. LEO FARNSWORTH INTENDS TO TAKE THE LOS ANGELES RAMS

TO THE SUPER BOWL THIS SEASON AS THEIR QUARTERBACK.

NO SIGN OF ABERRATION IN HIS BEHAVIOR?

NOTHING IN HIS PERSONAL LIFE BOTHERING HIM?

I THINK THIS STATEMENT SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

ALL RIGHT,

I'M GOING TO SAVE YOU GUYS SOME TROUBLE.

WANT ME TO QUIT?

GIVE ME THE BALL ONCE.

IF I DON'T HIT EVANS, I'LL QUIT.

READY? BREAK!

HEY, NOW!

ON 3!

SET!

HUT!

BEAUTIFUL! HA HA HA!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

THERE'S A POTENTIAL THERE, HUH? HE'S...

OK, OK.

TAKE IT EASY, MR. FARNSWORTH.

I KNOW.

SHIT, MAN, WHAT YOU DOING?

WHAT'S HE DOING?

READY? BREAK.

RED RIGHT, RED RIGHT. WATCH THE PASS.

4-3.

SET! 3!

HUT!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

1-81! HUT!

I THINK WE GOT US A RICH QUARTERBACK.

HE'S LOOKING AWFUL GOOD.

BOY, YOU PULLED IT OFF.

YOU REALLY PULLED IT OFF.

YEAH? I DON'T KNOW. I THINK I CAN DO IT.

HEY, MR. FARNSWORTH, PLAY ANY COLLEGE BALL?

NO. I PLAYED A LITTLE POLO.

LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

HE BROUGHT THE WHOLE GODDAMN TEAM HOME.

THAT'S NOT A FOOTBALL TEAM.

THERE ARE OLDER MEN AND SKINNY YOUNGER MEN.

LOOK AT THE WOMEN.

THAT'S THE ECOLOGY GROUP

THAT EXO-GREY IS FUNDING.

HE'S GETTING READY TO SPRING SOME KIND OF A TRAP.

THIS WHOLE THING-- THE FOOTBALL TEAM GAG,

THE ECOLOGY CRAP, THE DIVORCE BIT--

IT'S ALL PART OF SOME PLOT.

THE MINUTE HE ANNOUNCES OUR DIVORCE,

I'LL BE THE FIRST SUSPECT WHEN WE KILL HIM.

DARLING, PERHAPS I'M JUST BEING SILLY,

BUT I'D BE MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE--

HAVE I OFFENDED YOU IN SOME WAY?

DON'T PUT YOUR HAND OVER MY MOUTH AGAIN.

I'M SORRY, DARLING. YOU USED TO LIKE IT.

IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING, WE'LL LOSE IT ALL.

I SHOULD HAVE MY HEAD EXAMINED

FOR SIGNING A PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT.

I'LL WIND UP WITH MY WARDROBE AND SOME ALLOWANCE.

YOU'LL BE FIRED WITHOUT REFERENCES.

WE'LL STILL HAVE EACH OTHER.

NOT AFTER THE LAST 2 MURDERS. DON'T YOU TRY IT.

THE PROBLEM IS, IF A NEIGHBOR'S TREE

IS IN THE WAY OF THE SEWER...

WANT TO MAKE A WISH?

YES.

ALL RIGHT.

THERE.

GO AHEAD.

HEY, VERY GOOD.

[PLOP]

HEY.

UH...

TELL ME, DO YOU THINK IT'S SILLY,

ME TRYING TO BE A FOOTBALL PLAYER?

OF COURSE NOT. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

YOU THINK I CAN DO IT?

I THINK YOU COULD DO ANYTHING YOU WANTED.

ANYTHING YOU COMMITTED TO DO YOU COULD DO.

'CAUSE I'M A BIG WHEEL AT EXO-GREY.

IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT AFRAID OF THINGS.

AFRAID OF THINGS?

WHY WOULD I BE AFRAID?

WELL, YOU KNOW,

MOST PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF SOMETHING, AREN'T THEY?

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE ONLY THING I'M AFRAID OF?

HOW I'D FEEL IF I COULDN'T BE WITH YOU.

THEN THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF, IS THERE?

[HORN HONKS]

GOT TO GO.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

I'D--THE--

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT MARRYING ME?

IT'S CRAZY, HUH?

NO, IT DOESN'T SOUND CRAZY.

YOU KNOW, IF--IF I...

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT IS IT?

COULD YOU WAIT HERE? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'M SORRY, MR. PENDLETON.

I'M AFRAID YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO USE

MR. FARNSWORTH'S BODY ANY LONGER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

JUST WHAT I SAID--

YOUR TIME IS UP. YOU DON'T FIT.

YOU SAID I'D GET TO THE SUPER BOWL.

YOU CAN'T DO IT WITH MR. FARNSWORTH'S BODY.

WHY NOT?

IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

WHY NOT?

DON'T KEEP SAYING "WHY NOT?"

YOU THINK I'LL PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKE?

LOOK, MR. PENDLETON--

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

TELL MR. JORDAN I'D LIKE TO TALK TO HIM.

WE'LL SETTLE THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL.

GET OUT OF HERE. YOU'RE BAD NEWS.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

UM, NO, IT'S--

I JUST GOT TO STRAIGHTEN SOMETHING OUT.

MAYBE I BETTER WALK YOU TO THE CAR.

OH.

SOMETHING IS WRONG, ISN'T IT?

I WAS JUST THINKING, BETTY.

WE GOT A GREAT LIFE AHEAD, YOU AND ME,

AND NOBODY'S GOING TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM US.

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?

I'M JUST MEMORIZING YOUR FACE.

I WANT TO MEMORIZE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I WON'T FORGET YOU.

WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN?

NOTHING'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

YOU'D NEVER FORGET ME EITHER, WOULD YOU?

NO.

THAT THING YOU SAID YOU SAW IN ME...

IT WAS SOMETHING IN MY EYES. REMEMBER?

IF SOMEDAY SOMEBODY CAME UP TO YOU--

MAYBE A FOOTBALL PLAYER--

AND HE ACTED LIKE HE'D SEEN YOU BEFORE,

YOU'D NOTICE THAT SAME THING, RIGHT?

YOU'D GIVE HIM A CHANCE, RIGHT?

HE COULD EVEN BE A QUARTERBACK.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

AHH, I'M JUST ACTING CRAZY.

BETTY?

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

YOU MUST ABIDE BY WHAT IS WRITTEN.

WHY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THERE'S A REASON FOR EVERYTHING.

THERE'S ALWAYS A PLAN.

HOW CAN I GIVE UP FARNSWORTH NOW?

I'M SORRY, JOE.

YOU SAID WE'D GET TO THE SUPER BOWL.

IF IT'S MEANT TO BE.

I'M NOT LEAVING.

SORRY.

I'M NOT LEAVING, MR. JORDAN.

JOE, YOU YOURSELF ASKED FOR A TEMPORARY ARRANGEMENT.

I NEVER WENT BACK ON A DEAL,

BUT I'M DOING IT NOW.

YOUR DESTINY IS NOT IN MY HANDS.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE IT MORE DIFFICULT.

I WON'T. I'M JUST NOT GOING TO DO IT.

JOE, YOU MUST ABIDE BY WHAT IS WRITTEN.

SHE LOVES ME, MR. JORDAN.

JOE, YOU MUST ABIDE BY WHAT IS WRITTEN.

[SPLASH]

DON'T BE AFRAID, JOE. THERE IS A PLAN.

THERE'S ALWAYS A PLAN.

MR. FARNSWORTH?

HELLO, BENTLEY.

HAVE YOU SEEN MR. FARNSWORTH?

NO, SIR, I HAVEN'T.

GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP LOOKING.

YES, SIR.

JOE?

JOE, YOU IN HERE?

ARE YOU IN THERE, MR. FARNSWORTH?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

YES.

YES!

LISTEN, YOUR HIGHNESS, I'M TELLING YOU

WHAT I TOLD THE MAYOR LAST WEEK.

BY THE END OF THE WEEK, I'LL CRACK THIS CASE.

RIGHT.

ANOTHER ARAB.

SON OF A BITCH FARNSWORTH WAS INTO EVERYTHING,

AND NOW HE'S VANISHED, DISAPPEARED.

THIS IS THE CRAZIEST NUT

I'VE EVER HAD TO DEAL WITH.

IF HE WAS ALIVE, HE'D BE HERE.

YOU'RE ASKING ME TO BELIEVE

LEO FARNSWORTH ASKED YOU TO MARRY HIM?

YES. HE WAS GOING TO GET A DIVORCE.

HE SAID HE'D CALL ME, BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T CALL ME,

AND HE WOULD HAVE KEPT HIS WORD.

HMM.

TV: WITH LESS THAN 24 HOURS BEFORE THE BIG GAME,

THE WHEREABOUTS OF LEO FARNSWORTH

REMAINS A MYSTERY.

FARNSWORTH SAID HIS WIFE AND TONY ABBOTT

WERE TRYING TO KILL HIM,

AND HE TOLD ME HOW. LET ME TALK TO ABBOTT.

I CAN MAKE HIM CRACK.

OK.

TAKE CORKLE TO THE FARNSWORTH HOUSE.

THE GAME.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

AND IF YOU WIN THIS ONE...

YOU'RE GOING TO BE CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD.

AND THEY CAN TAKE AWAY THE MONEY AND THE CHEERS.

THEY CAN...

TAKE AWAY THE GOOD LOOKS,

BUT NOBODY WILL EVER TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU.

LET'S GO.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU'RE SAYING YOU SAW NO SPECIFIC CHANGES

IN MR. FARNSWORTH'S BEHAVIOR?

NO, SIR. A BIT MORE TALKATIVE,

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, NORMAL.

AND THAT'S YOUR OPINION, TOO, MR. SISK?

YES. I DID NOTICE

HE SEEMED TO TAKE A DISLIKE TO HIS HATS,

BUT IT WAS NEVER VIOLENT.

Max: WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME WHATEVER YOU WANT AND--

MR. CORKLE, PLEASE. MR. EVERETT.

OH. UH, Y-Y-YES?

YOU HAD COCOA WITH HIM EVERY NIGHT.

UH, YES.

WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT?

WELL, HE'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

UH, "THIS COCOA IS GOOD, ISN'T IT?"

AND I'D SAY, UH, "YES, IT IS."

AND THEN HE'D SAY SOMETHING LIKE, UH,

"I WISH THE MARSHMALLOW WOULD LAST LONGER."

AND I'D SAY, UH, "SO DO I."

UH...

SOMETIMES HE TALKED ABOUT COOKIES.

THANK YOU, MR. EVERETT.

OH, DID HE EVER MENTION DISLIKING HIS HATS?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE--

I'M FOLLOWING A LINE OF QUESTIONING HERE.

DID HE EVER SAY ANYTHING TO YOU ABOUT HIS HATS?

NEVER, SIR.

THANK YOU, MR. EVERETT.

WHAT DID YOU DISCUSS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW HIM?

HE WAS CONSIDERING BUYING HAITI.

YES, SIR. THE COUNTRY?

THANK YOU, MR. ABBOTT.

NOTHING ABOUT HATS?

NO.

THANK YOU, MR. ABBOTT.

MRS. FARNSWORTH,

WHAT WAS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR HUSBAND?

VERY, VERY CLOSE. VERY, VERY SPECIAL.

MISS LOGAN CLAIMS HE WAS GETTING A DIVORCE

AND THAT HE ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM.

I DON'T DOUBT THAT.

MY HUSBAND LOVED ME VERY, VERY MUCH,

BUT HE WAS A MAN.

HE WOULD SAY OR DO ANYTHING TO MAKE A CONQUEST,

BUT, LIEUTENANT, IT NEVER TOUCHED OUR MARRIAGE.

THAT'S WHAT MADE IT SO SPECIAL.

THEY'RE TRYING TO PIN IT ON BETTY.

MISS LOGAN, I AM SORRY

IF I'VE SAID ANYTHING THAT'S HURT YOU.

I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH FOR YOU TO HURT ME.

I HOPE YOU DON'T DOUBT MY WORD.

I DON'T. I'M ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT YOU'RE LYING.

I ASSUME IF MR. FARNSWORTH

TOLD YOU ANYTHING ABOUT DISLIKING HIS HATS,

YOU'D LET US KNOW.

YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT HIS HATS?

HE DIDN'T CARE,

BUT HE WOULDN'T WEAR SOCKS WITH A SUIT!

EVERY TIME HE CROSSED HIS LEGS,

YOU COULD SEE HIS ANKLES WERE BARE!

AND HE THOUGHT HATS LOOKED FUNNY WITHOUT SOCKS!

BUT HE NEVER TOLD YOU HE DISLIKED THEM.

WHAT?

HIS HATS.

WHAT KIND OF QUESTIONS ARE YOU ASKING?

ALL RIGHT. SIT DOWN.

CONWAY, TURN THAT THING ON.

LET HIM WATCH THE GAME.

EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.

Krim: WE'RE GETTING A CLEARER PICTURE

OF MR. FARNSWORTH'S PATTERNS.

THERE'S A REASON FOR EVERYTHING.

THERE'S GOT TO BE.

TV: IT'S A DEMANDING DEFENSE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT HER.

TOM JARRETT, THE RAMS' QUARTERBACK,

BACK TO PASS.

LOOKING, SCRAMBLING. HE'S IN TROUBLE.

AND HE'S HIT HARD! DOWN HE GOES!

WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME, MR. ABBOTT,

IS THAT MR. FARNSWORTH NEVER CARRIED ANY MONEY

OR CREDIT CARDS, RIGHT?

AND NO IDENTIFICATION PAPERS, RIGHT?

RIGHT, SIR. YES.

THEN WHAT WE HAVE HERE...

TV: THE SCORE, 24-24. OVERTIME.

THE WAY HE WAS HIT, TOM JARRETT IS HURT.

WE CAN SEE THE RAM PLAYERS ARE CONCERNED

AND THEY'RE CALLING FOR THE STRETCHER.

JARRETT HAS NOT MOVED.

IT'LL BE A MIRACLE, FRANKLY,

AND I HOPE HE'S WELL.

HE REALLY GOT HIT.

NOW THEY ORDER JERRY HODGES

TO START WARMING UP ON THE SIDELINES.

THE PITTSBURGH DEFENSE HAS BEEN BRILLIANT.

THEY'VE STOPPED THE RAMS WITH--

THE HAITIAN AMBASSADOR'S HERE.

OH, YES. YES, THANK YOU, SISK.

GIVE HIM A COKE. TELL HIM TO WAIT.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

YOU HAVE A NERVE TO CALL THIS AN INVESTIGATION!

NOW!

HOW'D YOU DO IT THIS TIME, HUH?

DID YOU DRUG HIM LIKE YOU DID BEFORE?

TV: THIS ONE HAS SEESAWED BACK AND FORTH.

Julia: LIEUTENANT, I WILL NOT BE SPOKEN TO IN THIS WAY

IN MY HOUSE.

[MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE JARRETT?

BECAUSE IT'S HIS TIME, JOE.

IT'S HIS DESTINY.

LOOK AT THE PUPILS!

BILL, BILL! GET THAT AMBULANCE!

[CROWD CHEERS]

TV: AND JARRETT'S COMING BACK INTO THE GAME.

JOE...

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

OH, MY GOD! IT'S HIS JACKET!

TV: [CROWD CHEERS]

SO IT'S YOU, MR. ABBOTT!

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I COULDN'T TRUST YOU.

LIEUTENANT, HERE'S YOUR MURDERER!

SHE DID IT!

I'LL SIGN A CONFESSION THAT SHE DID IT!

SHE'S BEEN PLANNING IT FOR YEARS!

CORKLE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING TO THE COLISEUM.

I'M CONDUCTING AN INVESTIGATION HERE.

I'M GOING TO THE GAME. TAKE THIS INVESTIGATION

AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

3-23. HUT! HUT!

Radio: IT'S SUDDEN DEATH OVERTIME!

JARRETT'S SENDING THIS CROWD INTO DELIRIUM!

THE CROWD WATCHING JARRETT. HE WAS SACKED HARD.

HE'S GETTING UP. HE'S OK.

[CROWD CHEERS]

2-3...SET!

2-85! 2-85!

HUT! HUT!

A REMARKABLE COMEBACK BY JARRETT.

JARRETT TRYING TO GET THEM INTO FIELD GOAL POSITION.

SET!

2...

[MARCHING BAND PLAYS]

[HORNS HONKING]

ALL RIGHT!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

WE'RE NUMBER ONE!

WE DID IT!

Corkle: JOE!

HI, MAX.

I AM RIGHT. IT IS YOU, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.

HA HA HA HA!

I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!

I WAS WATCHING THE TV,

AND I SAID, "THAT'S HIM! THAT'S HIM!"

THE RAMS ARE SUPER BOWL CHAMPIONS!

HERE'S THE STAR, TOM JARRETT.

HE LED HIS TEAM TO VICTORY.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?

GOOD.

I MEAN, CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR FEELINGS?

WORLD CHAMPIONS!

I, UH, I FEEL GOOD.

PLEASE, PLEASE.

I HAVE TO GO NOW, JOE.

IT'S TIME.

I CAN'T STAY HERE ANY LONGER.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE TOM JARRETT?

AND WHEN I'VE GONE, YOU WON'T REMEMBER ME.

YOU'LL BE THOMAS JARRETT

WITH NO MEMORY OF JOE PENDLETON

OR LEO FARNSWORTH OR ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED.

THIS IS YOUR DESTINY, JOE.

YOU'RE BACK ON YOUR OWN ROAD NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I WON'T REMEMBER?

GOOD-BYE, JOE.

THERE'S A LOT OF CONFUSION.

WAIT. I GOT TO TALK TO YOU. WAIT.

GOOD-BYE.

TOM, CONGRATULATIONS.

HERE HE IS-- COACH OF...

YOU OK, TOM? YOU OK?

HERE'S LAMAR CRAWFORD,

THE MAN WHO CAUGHT ONE OF THOSE KEY PASSES.

I'M JUST HAPPY THAT WE WON.

IN SEPTEMBER, I TOLD YOU THE BEGINNING OF THIS SEASON!

HA HA!

HEY, BENNY!

HEY, JOE! UH, TOM!

HEY, DOC. DID TOM LEAVE?

HE'S PUTTING SOME ICE ON HIS EYE.

HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S SOMETHING ABOUT FARNSWORTH, ISN'T IT?

POOR SON OF A BITCH.

YEAH, ISN'T IT?

HEY. CORKLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, CLOSING UP THE JOINT?

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU PLAYED THAT THING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HMM? IS THAT YOURS?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, JOE?

AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

COME ON.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ME, HUH?

HEY, I'M THE GUY THAT GOT HIT IN THE HEAD.

YOU SURE YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, CORKLE?

HUH? HUH?

HEY, PLAY SOMETHING FOR ME ON THIS THING, HUH?

THAT'S THE WAY IT IS WITH CHAMPAGNE, HUH?

YOU JUST KEEP SWALLOWING IT

'CAUSE IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE ANYTHING,

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'RE DRUNK.

YOU GOING TO THE PARTY, CORKLE?

I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE.

HEY, YOU--

A LITTLE FRESH AIR WOULDN'T HURT.

HEY, LOOK. JUST DO ME ONE FAVOR.

UH, LOOK AT ME.

JUST--JUST... JUST LOOK AT ME.

WHAT?

WHAT?

JOE.

JOE.

[VOICES]

UH...

YOU WANT TO TELL ME WHY YOU'RE CALLING ME JOE?

I GUESS IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH...

JOE PENDLETON.

HEY, UH...

I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T THINK, CORKLE.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT A RIDE?

NO, I'LL JUST, UH...

I'M GOING TO SIT HERE FOR A MINUTE.

OK.

HEY, SON, YOU--

YOU PLAYED A HELL OF A GAME.

OH, THANKS, CORKLE.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

YEAH.

OK.

OH, EXCUSE ME.

WHERE MIGHT I FIND MAX CORKLE?

I BELIEVE HE'S HERE SOMEWHERE.

YEAH. HE'S IN THE LOCKER ROOM.

GO BACK UP THERE THE WAY YOU CAME

OR TAKE A RIGHT AND THEN A LEFT.

IT'S THE SECOND DOOR ON THE RIGHT.

I SEE. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

HE'S NOT EXPECTING ME.

IS IT OK IF I JUST WALK IN?

SURE. HE'S THE ONLY GUY IN THERE, UH...

HAVE WE MET?

NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

NO, I GUESS WE HAVEN'T.

I'M SORRY, UH...

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE GAME?

I--I DIDN'T SEE IT.

DOES YOUR EYE HURT?

NO, NO, I...

LISTEN, MY NAME'S TOM JARRETT.

HELLO. I'M BETTY LOGAN.

YEAH. WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

YOU MUST PLAY FOR THE RAMS.

YOU'RE INTERESTED IN FOOTBALL?

A FRIEND OF MINE WAS.

WAS?

LEO FARNSWORTH.

I'M SORRY. WAS HE A CLOSE FRIEND?

YES, HE WAS VERY CLOSE.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD. I'M SORRY.

HAVE YOU PUT SOME ICE ON THAT?

[GASP]

[MACHINE SOUND]

WHAT'S THAT?

THEY'RE JUST CLOSING UP THE PLACE.

HERE, GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

UH...YOU CAN--YOU--

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

WHAT?

JUST THEN, WHEN YOU SAID--

"THERE'S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF,"

YOUR VOICE SOUNDED SO FAMILIAR.

YEAH?

WELL, LIKE I SAID,

I THOUGHT I KNEW YOU, TOO.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS THINKING THEY KNEW SOMEBODY BEFORE.

YES, THEY ARE.

UH, I WAS GOING TO MEET A BUNCH OF PEOPLE.

WE'RE HAVING A PARTY, AND I'M A LITTLE LATE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH, NO, NO, NO, UH...

I MEAN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

I DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING TO A BIG PARTY, AND--

AND, UH, I THOUGHT MAYBE IF--

I MEAN...

YOU WANT TO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?

WELL, I GUESS NOT.

YOU'RE THE QUARTERBACK.

YEAH.

HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?

YES, I'D LOVE TO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE WITH YOU.

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