Original subtitles

Ooh

Ba-doo-doo-doo

If you were a wise man

Baby, you would drop

Every other ho ho ho

And put me on top

Up there on your tree

You better treat me like a star

Spend your cookie dough, dough, dough

Spend it on my heart

Skip the jet

Send a sleigh

It's a packed holiday

And I got options, babe

If you don't wanna buy me presents

Drink me like a warm glass of milk

If you're not gonna race here

From the North Pole to Beverly Hills

Just to keep my stocking filled

Well, I know somebody who will

Somebody who will

Somebody who will

Somebody who will

Buy me presents, baby

He's a little bit older

Got a bit of a dad bod

From a city that's colder

But damn it, he's so hot

He knows when I'm sleeping

And he knows when I'm not

I haven't, like, seen him in a while He's probably just busy at his workshop

Skip the jet

- Send a sleigh - Send a sleigh

It's a packed holiday

And I got options, babe

If you don't wanna buy me presents

Drink me like a warm glass of milk

If you're not gonna race here

From the North Pole to Beverly Hills

Just to keep my stocking filled

Well, I know somebody who will

Somebody who will

Somebody who will

Somebody who will

Buy me presents, baby

Come on, everyone!

If you don't wanna buy me presents

Drink me like a warm glass of milk

If you're not gonna race here

From the North Pole to Beverly Hills

Just to keep my stocking filled

Well, I know somebody who will

Welcome to A Nonsense Christmas.

You could've been anywhere tonight,

spending time with family, helping the less fortunate,

but instead, you're here, half watching a big screen

while scrolling social media on a smaller screen,

and for that, I'm forever grateful.

This special isn't just about Christmas though.

We're celebrating all the holidays.

So, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa,

and happy birthday, Natalie.

There's gotta be at least one person named Natalie whose birthday is today, right?

Well, either way, strap on

because tonight, I'm in the mood for a little nonsense.

It's the most nonsense time Of the year

They gave me a special They said it would test well

As if I had fear

It's the most nonsense time Of the year

It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all

The champagne is bubbling

Entendres are doubling

When I deck your halls

It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all

There'll be songs all crescendoing Hot innuendoing

Dancers who flex and keep time

There'll be wit for the smarties

And you know the best part is It's all on Netflix's dime

No, seriously, they told me I could have an unlimited budget as long as I go viral,

so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.

My leg!

He'll be fine.

It's the most nonsense time Of the year

If you're hot and you're young

And your stocking's well hung

By the chimney with care

It's the most nonsense time Of the year

There'll be singing and jesting Celebrity guesting

Huge packages under the tree

I'll be playing my bangers With elf doppelgängers

So please, please, please Have faith in me

There are comedy specials, and there are music specials,

and there are holiday specials.

But who does musical comedy holiday specials?

A lot of people.

But do those specials have celebrity guests?

Yes, they do!

Everyone with a musical comedy holiday special does them with celebrity guests,

and this is one of those.

There'll be divas so stunning And seasonal punning

And costumes in red and in green

You can watch with your aunties I might mention panties

But don't fret, its TV-14

Which means I'm allowed to say "fuck" three times.

Fuck.

Just one left.

Anyways…

Here we are.

We've arrived at my set. Isn't this cute?

It's exactly what my house looked like growing up.

A tree, three walls, and a live studio audience.

It's the most nonsense time Of the year

Well, I've learned all my blocking

So please stuff my stocking With holiday cheer

It's the most nonsense time

Yes, the most nonsense time

What's a third really good rhyme?

Of the year

You're in luck. I've trimmed my tree just for you.

Let's start the show.

Happy holidays.

What if it's like, "Happy holiday…"

No, I'm not British. Okay.

Maybe drier.

Happy holidays.

All right, stand by!

Like, happy holidays.

That's, like, a bit too sultry.

We are rolling. We are rolling. Quiet, please.

I'm not gonna say it.

Okay!

Oh my God.

Guys, it's frozen.

Oh, it's not frozen. Action.

Ooh!

Little beans.

So cute!

Mwah!

Want a drink?

Oh wow. Thank God we installed that seasonal doorbell.

It's Tyla, everybody!

Hang all the mistletoe

I'm gonna get to know you better

This Christmas

And as we trim the tree

How much fun it's gonna be together

This Christmas

Fireside is blazing bright

We're caroling through the night

And this Christmas will be

A very special Christmas for me

Tell 'em, Tyla.

Presents and cards are here

My world is filled with cheer and you

This Christmas

And as I look around

Your eyes outshine the town

They do

This Christmas

Fireside is blazing bright

And we're caroling through the night

And this Christmas will be

A very special Christmas for me

Shake a hand, shake a hand now

Come on, everybody. Let's dance.

You all better be standing wherever you guys are watching this.

If you're in your living rooms, come on, dance with us.

Shake it, shake it, shake it

Merry Christmas to your brothers.

To your sisters.

To your mister.

To your cousins.

To your dogs? What?

Fireside is blazing bright

We're caroling through the night

And this Christmas will be

A very special Christmas

For me

Shake a hand, shake a hand now

Hey, hey, come on

Let's party, everybody.

Merry Christmas to everyone back home.

Merry Christmas, Sabrina.

- Merry Christmas, Tyla. - Yes.

My feathers are all over this place.

Cut, and we cut, and we cut.

Starting from when I was two years old,

my dad would get his VHS

and film our Christmas morning every single year.

And for some reason, I never wanted to open my presents.

I just wanted chocolate cake.

- Oh my gosh! - Dad.

When we're done opening our presents, can we have a piece of cake?

Is that all you think about?

I just had an ulterior motive, and it was chocolate.

And it kinda still is.

So… …there's the story.

Santa

Doesn't know you like I do

I've been there Through the good and bad

Know how to make you laugh

Kiss all your tears away, babe

Only I can do that

Why don't you just come over?

You've been acting so cold

No, I don't want nothing crazy

Just wanna get you alone

And all of this snow is falling

I can make you fall too

So tell me what's on your wish list

I wanna make it come true

Santa

Doesn't know you like I do

I've been there Through the good and bad

Know how to make you laugh

Kiss all your tears away, babe

Only I can do that

Santa

Doesn't know you like I do

I know all of your favorite songs

Pick up each time you call

So why can't I be the one

To give you everything you want?

I

Want you to tell me That you feel the same way

I

Don't think I'm gonna make it Through the winter

Well, don't you wanna wrap me up

And mistle-touch under the tree?

He won't bring you somebody That loves you more than me

- No - Santa

- He doesn't know you like I do - Doesn't know you like I do

I've been there Through the good and bad

Know how to make you laugh

Kiss all your tears away, babe

Only I can do that

Santa

- Doesn't know you like I do - Doesn't know you like I do

I know all of your favorite songs

Pick up each time you call

So why can't I be the one

To give you everything you want?

Santa

Doesn't know you like I do

Well, maybe this Christmastime

You'll finally realize

That I could be the one

To give you everything you want

I'm working late

Because I'm Santa

Sabrina, can I pitch you a "Nonsense" outro?

Girl, this season's Got me feeling feral

Gotta love a dirty Christmas carol

I love it when I don my gay apparel

- If, like, this was gay, this was gayer. - Right.

- Do you love that? - Yeah--

- I'd use it if I were you. - Owen, I gotta go to set.

- No worries. - Don't sing at me again.

Have a good day.

Debbie, I cannot wait to finally get to meet your man.

You've been a bad friend ever since getting into a relationship. I'm kidding!

No, I know. It's like since we're long distance,

it's just been so hard to combine the friend groups, you know?

- Well, I promise we will love him. - Aw.

Oh, speak of the devil! He's walking up, guys.

- So fun. - Ho ho ho ho ho!

Oh ho ho! There's my nice girl!

Come on over.

Oh my.

Oh! You guys, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Nick.

Well, it is great to meet you. I've heard nothing but great things.

Aw. Same, um, as us.

Yeah. Uh…

Uh, can I get you anything?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe a warm glass of milk.

Yuck.

Ooh, and an oversized chocolate-chip cookie

dusted lightly with candy cane shards, if you've got it.

Oh bummer. I think we're out of shards.

I'm sorry, are people saying "sharts"?

- "Shards." - Oh, look at that.

- My clothes are all covered in soot. - Oh no! Oh no!

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

Hey. This is actually insane, but, um, that's Santa Claus, right?

Oh my God.

What kind of a messed-up thing is that to say?

What?

Debbie, it's not messed up. Hello.

Come on. The big, white, scruffy beard.

So? He did "No-Shave November."

- He has the classic big belly. - Yeah.

And there it is. The body shaming. Wow. Wow.

What is this, Mean Girls the movie? The musical?

Okay, chill out.

He's jolly. He's sweet.

He's not Santa.

Okay, we'll drop it. He's not Santa.

- No one's Santa, I guess. - Yeah.

- And he's back! - Oh, hey.

I forgot the presents. They're in the car.

- Oh, that's so sweet of you, Nick. - So nice.

So what does he do for a living that he can buy us all gifts?

He told me, but I zoned out because it was boring.

I think he's, like, a toy manufacturer or something.

Uh, Deb, that's what Santa does.

No, because it doesn't pay.

What? Why doesn't it pay?

Yeah. He doesn't make money or have any credit cards. So?

- That's creepy. - That's weird.

Is your boyfriend on the roof?

I mean, he's probably, like, fixing something up there.

He's super handy 'cause, you know,

my boyfriend can actually make something, like a man.

Your boyfriend's just a lazy surgeon.

What the hell, Deb?

Besides, guys, if he was Santa,

then why is he so good in bed?

I'm sorry, is Santa supposed to be, like, bad in bed?

No.

If you read the original Turkish folklore text,

Santa doesn't last.

I didn't read that.

I brought very intentional gifts.

- How thoughtful. - Here you are, my boy.

- It's not weird at all. - Wow.

- Oh my God, a Nerf Vortex Vigilon. - Thank you for my gift.

I loved these growing up. I asked Santa for this every year.

A Tickle Me Elmo.

A Tickle Me Elmo.

The only time I ever admitted to wanting one of these is my letter to Santa Claus

when I was 15.

Well, if he's really Santa,

then he'd know the only thing I asked for as a little girl

was to sing a duet with Shania Twain.

Sorry.

Is that Mrs. Claus?

Is my husband here?

Your husband?

You're married?!

We've been married 400 years.

Yes, but after the first hundred,

we decided to be open.

That was my idea.

- Santa! - Santa!

He's not Santa!

Thank you.

Thank you guys so much for coming to be in this sketch.

Oh my God, it's so fun.

I love your set kitchen, by the way. Does any of the stuff really work?

No, but we're gonna fix it all in post.

- Yum! Delicious. - Wow!

Hi, Shania.

- All right, Sabrina. - Are you ready?

I'm so ready.

Santa baby Slip a sable under the tree

For me

Been an awfully good girl

Santa baby

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Mmm, Santa baby

A '54 convertible too

Light blue

Yeah, I'll wait up for you, dear

Santa baby

And hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the fellas That I haven't kissed

Well, next year I could Be just as good

If you checked off my Christmas list

Santa baby

I want a yacht, and really that's not

- That's it? - That's not a lot

I've been an angel all year

Santa baby

And hurry down the chimney tonight

Mmm, Santa honey

One little thing I really need

The deed

To a platinum mine

Santa baby

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Sing it!

Come and trim my Christmas tree

With some decorations Bought at Tiffany

I really do believe in you

And let's see if you believe in me

Santa baby Forgot to mention one little thing

A ring

I don't mean on the phone

Santa baby

- So hurry down the chimney tonight - Hey

Hurry down the chimney tonight

- Hurry down the chimney tonight - Yes, sir

- I said hurry down the chimney tonight - Hurry

Hurry down the chimney

Tonight

Shania Twain, everybody.

- That was beautiful, Sabrina. - So beautiful!

Oh my God. I can't believe you're here.

Sabrina!

Thank you, guys!

I'm one of those girls who believes it's better to give than receive

when it comes to presents.

I love to spoil my family.

Hey, you haven't given me anything yet.

Right.

Okay.

So what? He just, like, hangs out?

Yeah, when he's not at work.

- What's his job again? - Oh, I forget.

Seriously, what the hell do I get him?

A phone charger.

I love it!

I've always needed one of these.

You're so interesting.

Where'd you get this?

You're like a genius. You're really something special, Sabrina.

May I hug you?

Yeah. Okay.

You made this a really awesome Christmas. I really care about you.

- Honey, stop hugging my sister. - Oh, I'm sorry about that.

What the f&*% Do I get my brother-in-law?

- Hey, Sabrina. - Yeah?

Um, I got an idea for you. I don't know if you're open to…

Sure.

This is not what I usually do, so…

- But, um, yeah. - Okay.

- Let me know what you're… thinking. - Well, I'll just do it.

- Okay, cool. Just, like, go. - Um…

Why's everybody always lying to me?

You gotta stop lying to me

Everybody I know is lying to me

I wish they'd stop lying to me

So, like, a… It's like a song?

I mean, like, to me, the whole… It's more the spirit of, like…

Why's everybody always lying to me?

Oh, the spirit.

You gotta stop lying to me

Yeah… Yeah, it's, like, less holiday maybe than we were going…

- Okay. - …for.

The network might not get it.

The elves keep lying to me

Maybe if you say "the elves."

Actually, yeah. If you say "the elves," maybe.

- Okay, cool. - Cool.

- I'll type something up. - Okay.

- What is your email? - Let me get you my manager's info.

- No, I'd like your personal email. - Okay.

Setting for the duet with Kali Uchis.

All right, steady cam is up.

All right, ladies, you ready? Here we go.

Action.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus

Underneath the mistletoe last night

She didn't see me creep

Down the stairs to have a peep

She thought that I was tucked up

In my bedroom fast asleep

Then I saw Mommy

Tickle Santa Claus

Underneath his beard so snowy white

Oh, what a laugh it would've been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

I saw Mommy kissing

Kissing, kissing Santa Claus

Underneath the mistletoe last night

What a laugh it would have been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

Oh, what a laugh it would've been

If Daddy had only seen

Mommy kissing Santa Claus

Last night

Ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho. Ho ho ho.

Yo, Cratchit, what up?

Yes, you have work tomorrow.

Why? 'Cause it's Christmas?

What, are we 12, dude?

No, we have content to create.

Yeah.

Be here at nine with a ring light and Nobu breakfast sushi, okay?

All right. Humbug, player.

Adios.

Wakey-wakey.

Annie? Uh, what are you doing here?

I'm the spirit of Ghosted Past.

We went on five dates, and I never heard from you again.

I… got really busy at work.

And then I… and then I lost my phone.

No. I saw you peeping my stories.

That's strange. That's really weird. I gotta talk to Zuck about that.

If you didn't want to keep seeing me, you should've just told me.

I really liked you. What it was was I went out of town.

- I went to this place with no service-- - Ugh, shut up.

You ghosted me, and it made me feel crazy

when you're the one that couldn't handle "an honest conversation."

Because telling someone you don't wanna date them is awkward AF.

It's worse to leave someone on read! Learn from this!

Hi.

Allie. How… how'd you get in here?

Oh, I figured out where you live

from the breadcrumbs you left on your TikTok for me to find.

- What? - Haven't heard from you in a couple days.

And you said we were going to go see Wicked together, so here I am.

Right. Right. Yes. I… I did say that, didn't I?

I am the spirit of Ghosted Present,

and is it just me or are you ignoring me until I go away?

Allie. It ain't even like that.

You love bombed me for a month, then I never heard from you.

Is it something I did? Is it…

It's not you. It's him.

W-- Oh my God. Ghosted Past?

Wait. Oh my God. Ghosted Present.

- I hate that we're meeting like this. - I know.

- I love your bangs. They're cute. - Thank you.

I got them 'cause he ghosted me, so…

By the way, you're about to get ghosted too.

- What?! - Ladies, ladies, please.

I'm a good guy.

- I'm an uncle to daughters. - Okay, why aren't you texting me back?

Life has been crazy.

I mean, my boy Cratchit,

he's got this son with a… crazy cough.

Bob Cratchit?

You barely pay him for editing out your falls in your skateboard videos.

And you invented energy-drink cologne, so we know the money is there.

Whatever. Get off my jock.

Whoo!

Ebby?

Hey. Hi.

It's Bri. From Coachella.

The Sahara Tent.

Right. Bri, yes.

Hello. How is your bird?

Oh, still sick.

But I'm so happy we ran into each other here.

- Yeah. Me too. Hey. - So fun.

Yeah. Wait. Let me get your number.

- Oh, yeah. - What?!

- No! - No! No.

- You're gonna get ghosted. - What?

You're the spirit of Ghosted Future, babe. He's not gonna change.

But he seems so sweet. Oh.

Ugh, I can't believe I even liked you.

You know what? We should just hang out.

Yes!

- Oh my God! - Okay, stop, stop.

Stop, please.

I've seen the errors of my ways.

I'm gonna text back. I'm gonna be transparent.

And I'm gonna have honest conversations, even if they're the difficult ones.

Cratchit? Hey, hombre.

It's Ebby Scrouge.

You don't have to make content tomorrow. It's Christmas!

It's actually no big deal. I like girls anyway.

Ladies, turkey leg for you.

- Turkey leg for you. - Thanks.

Turkey leg for you.

- Is it vegan? - Just… just take it.

All right. Merry Christmas!

And God bless us, every one.

My mic is also in between my butt cheeks.

Cut the cam.

What up? It's Nico.

Happy holidays.

Shout out to Sabrina. Thank you for having me.

Merry Christmas.

- Hey, Sabrina. - Hey, Cara.

Are you working on the new lyrics for your "Nonsense" outro?

No, and I'm kind of worried. I'm really feeling the pressure.

I just don't wanna, like, disappoint the fans, you know?

Don't worry. It's… it's easy, right?

I've got one.

Gotta give a shoutout to my boy, Nick.

Wouldn't let him hit it, just the cane tip.

Guess I stayed consistent with my strange tricks. Right?

- Yeah. - No?

- You can use it. Just give me 10%. - It's not the worst one I've ever heard.

- It's not the worst. - It's not.

I hope I helped. Bye!

Take the tinsel out of your hair as soon as possible.

You love it.

- I love you. - I love you too.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day You gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I′ll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day You gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy

I keep my distance But you still catch my eye

Tell me, baby, do you recognize me?

Well, it′s been a year It doesn't surprise me

"Merry Christmas" I wrapped it up and sent it

With a note saying "I love you" I meant it

Now I know what a fool I've been

But if you kissed me now I know you′d fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day You gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I′ll give it to someone special

A crowded room Friends with tired eyes

I′m hiding from you And your soul of ice

My God I thought you were someone to rely on

Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover With a fire in his heart

A man under cover But you tore me apart

Ooh

Now I've found a real love

You′ll never fool me again

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day You gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I'll give it to someone special

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart

But the very next day You gave it away

And this year, to save me from tears

I′ll give it to someone special

I′ll give it to someone

Special

I′ll give it to someone special

Special

Maybe next year.

Maybe.

A face on a lover With a fire in his heart

- Made you mine - A man under cover

But you tore him apart

I'll give it to someone

I'll give it to someone special

I saw you laughing In one of his pictures

But you'll be the one With his ring on your finger

There's red and green everywhere But I'm so blue

Cindy Lou Who

Maybe he met you Somewhere in the desert

While he was soul-searching He found someone better

Guess you make him happy Like I couldn't do

Cindy Lou Who

With your hair so long, lips so red

Maybe we met once, I forget

Scrolling five years back I'm obsessed

Breaking my heart 'Tis the season, I guess

With your hair so long, lips so red

If you're waking up now in his old bed

At his family's house

Know that you're just Breaking my heart

'Tis the season, I guess

The snow's gonna fall And the tree's gonna glisten

And I'm gonna puke At the thought of you kissin'

The boy who I love Is now in love with you

Cindy Lou Who

I told all my friends They said it can't be true

Cindy Lou Who

Good night, everybody.

You didn't think I was gonna leave you crying on Christmas, did you?

Wait. Missing something.

Hit it!

It's the holiday remix

Think I only want you Under my mistletoe

I might change your contact To "Has a huge North Pole"

You said you like my stockings Better on the floor

Boy, I've been a bad girl I guess I'm gettin' coal

Let me come warm you up You've been out in the snow

Baby, my tongue goes numb Sounds like "ho ho ho"

I don't want Santa's elves Underneath this ol' tree

Here's a little carol I wrote It's about you and me

You're my wish list

Lookin' at you Got me thinking Christmas

Snowflakes in my stomach When we're kissin'

And when you're comin' down the chimney Oh, it feels so good

I need that Charles Dickens

You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.

I'll take you for a ride I'll be your vixen

I don't even know I'm talkin' Christmas

I'm talkin', I'm talkin'

I'm talkin' deckin' all the halls Spikin' eggnog

Opposite of small I'm talkin' big snowballs

You got a new toy for me I'm out here trimmin' the tree

I caught that holiday glee My true love gave it to me

Let me come warm you up You been out in the snow

Baby, my tongue goes numb It sounds like "ho ho ho"

And I don't want Santa's elves Underneath this ol' tree

Here's a lil' carol I wrote It's about you and me

You're my wish list

Lookin' at you Got me thinking Christmas

Snowflakes in my stomach When we're kissin'

And when you're comin' down the chimney Oh, it feels so good

I need that Charles Dickens

You'll be Santa Claus and I'll be Mrs.

I'll take you for a ride I'll be your vixen

I don't even know I'm talkin' Christmas

I'm talkin', I'm talkin', I'm talkin'

Whoo!

Look at all these presents That's a big sack

Boy, that package Is too big to gift-wrap

Woke up this morning Thought I'd write a "Chrismash"

How quickly can you build a snowman?

Well, here we are My special at its ending

Love you all And thank you for attending

I can't believe I kept it family-"friendling"

Aw. Thanks.

Oh, a massager. Thank you!

Wow!

The Christmas spirit is so

infectious.

We did it all. Fire juggling, lion wrestling, a live on-camera birth.

Some of this stuff may have been cut out for time,

but truly, this has been such a dream.

Thank you to all my guests for being a part of it.

Thank you to you for being a part of it.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

Love, Sabrina Claus.

They told me I could have an unlimited budget as long as I go viral,

so I'm gonna break the set just to do it.

Reset! Reset! No, no, no!

Well, we should do that one more time.

Whoa!

It's the ho ho ho-iest special of all

The prompter stopped working

So we have to start over

Gotta stay consistent with my strange tricks.

- Yeah. - No?

You can use it.

- I'm not using that. - It's coming. I just needed to--

- Oh, it's coming. - Yeah.

I've used that, so…

You look so beautiful.

I look so… straight.

You look so straight?!

- Did you… - Here we go!

- Three… - No. Don't say that.

- Not now! - Not now.

All right, ladies, you ready? Here we go.

This is not my… you know, my typical…

- Oh, whoa. - Let me take it again.

Look at me I'm hanging with Meg Stalter

I like being naked and having sex

I like having sex naked

During sex

I think I should be in, um, one of the songs.

How do you appear out the mist again?

Love to don my super gay apparel

When you say something's gay, do you know what you're saying? Knock it off.

And that's true.

Please

Please, please

Don't prove I'm right

- Should I be singing… - Don't prove I'm right

Did you guys hear? I sounded kinda like Sabrina. Right? No one?

- We've been married 400 years. - Yeah.

And after the first hundred, we agreed to be

separate.

Wait, what?

Yeah, and after the first hundred, we agreed to be separate. Open!

- Just tickle your Elmo. - Open. Open.

Ho ho ho.

Can't even say that anymore.

Santa baby

Slip a stable under--

Not a stable

Let's do that again

And that's Christmas.

And that's Christmas.

Fuck.