Original subtitles

Previously on "Miracle Workers"...

Eliza: All we have to do to save the world

is get these two to kiss.

Have you guys ever thought about a Kiss Cam?

Let's make it happen.

Announcer: Ooh, there's a cozy-looking couple.

Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! -They're choking.

I'm going home.

Okay, fine. Go home.

How are we gonna fix this?

Did someone order a miracle?

The bet's off. I'm here to save the world.

O-Okay.

Shit.

Oh, how's this thing going?

Raymond: My name is Raymond.

I work in the Department of Clouds.

We have no leadership. No direction.

Every day, you just come in

and make any kind of cloud you want.

Big puffy cloud, little dotty cloud,

long, streaky cloud...

fine, go for it.

No one cares.

Sometimes, I get so bored,

I like to make my cloud look like things.

Like a turtle or a car or something.

Occasionally, some kid will notice.

But, mostly, nobody looks up.

Nadia: Nadia. Department of Male Nipples.

They were supposed to squirt orange juice.

The male nipple doesn't work, and it never will.

But we still gotta clock in every morning

and pretend that today's the day

that we're gonna crack that nipple.

I'll be honest:

I'm always high, you know?

My name's Carla. I work in Bug Control.

Or should I say Bug "Control"?

We can't control them.

They do whatever they want.

They run all over the place, fly around in crazy circles.

They're nuts.

My name's Frank.

I make the Northern Lights.

Why are there no Eastern Lights?

Why can't I try some Western Lights?

I'll tell ya why.

The union.

We spent a thousand years

trying to make a "bug-controlling helmet."

You put it on, you're supposed to be able to steer a bug.

So stupid.

So stupid.

Collective bargaining my ass.

It's horse shit.

Okay. Great exit interview.

Do you have anything else you'd like to add?

Just that I'll be happy when this place goes under.

Well, right there with ya.

Good news is, we don't have too long to wait. Okay.

Gail: Department of Answered Prayers.

Reminder to please schedule your exit interview.

Department of Answered Prayers, remind--

Not yet.

Let's save this weird-ass planet.

Eliza: Status?

Rosie: Four blocks apart

and still drifting.We need to find a way

to get them back together.

Then we've only got one option:

We fence them in.

We block the roads they're on.

Then we seal off the side streets

so the only direction they can move is toward each other.

We corral them like cattle, closer and closer,

until their lips are touching.

Okay, I'm -- I'm not sure

we're gonna be able to do that, Eliza.

Craig, we can't afford to play it safe right now.

N-No, I'm not "playing it safe." I promise.

We -- We just don't have the manpower

to block off all those routes.

You're right.

Yeah, we need help. Let's get the other departments.

Rosie, Sanjay, you go east,

round up everyone from Bug Control to Erosion.

We'll go west and hit up the people

in Currents, Clouds, and Tides.

And I'll help, too.

-Yay. -Thank you.

You're helping by just being here.Yeah.

-That's so nice of you. -Great.

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello?

Where is everyone?

I don't know.

What is that?

Crowd: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

I got this.

-Oh! -Oh!

All right, everybody, look.

All of you are technically still employees here,

at least for the next...

thirty-eight minutes.

So if you don't help us,

you'll be in dereliction of your duty,

which means a forfeiture of all severance packages.

Oh, shit.

So go on. Get your gear.

We've got work to do.

Man: Yeah, let's fire it up!

Woman: Hey, guys, it's running!

Man #2: Over here.

Woman: 12 blocks apart.

-Okay, let's go! Let's go! -Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

I think we got a real shot here.

We just can't afford any mistakes.

Aah!Woman: Lightning initiated.

Lightning. Lightning.

We've got to get him out of here.

Aah!Woman: Lightning initiated.

More lightning.

Woman: 18 blocks apart.

19 blocks apart.

Hey, God. Hey! How are you?

So glad you found us.

Everybody was like, "Where's God? We need him."

Now, look, I'm -- I'm just glad I could help.

Speaking of which, uh...

...we -- we actually need your expertise right now...

In another room.

Really? 'Cause it seems like all the action's right here.

Oh, no. There's a lot more action in another room.

Oh, boy. I want to see that room.

All right.

Lead the way. All right.

All right, people! Back to work! Come on!

Let's do this thing!

Okay, Circuits. You're up.Man: All right.

All right!

Nice work.

Sewage initiated.

We're getting there.Okay, hydrant's on deck.

Hydrant failed.

Damn it!

Come -- You guys!

Where were you on that one?!

They were on their break.

We get 5 minutes every 45 minutes

and 10 minutes every hour.

You got a problem with that, bring it up at arbitration.

That stupid union.

Now Sam's way off course.

And there's nothing we can use to block the road.

What about that beehive?

Bug Control!

Can you control bugs?

Not really.What does that mean?

Well, we got this helmet.

But the last time we tested it, it didn't work out too hot.

Okay, well, we gotta try it again right now.

Be my guest.

But before you strap it on,

you might want to have a little chat with Henry.

He used the helmet six years ago

to try to move a potato bug away from a potato.

Been that way ever since.

Is he all right?No.

Best we can figure is,

his mind merged with the potato bug's mind.

Never really switched back.

Look, we need you to steer this bee towards Sam.

No way, lady.

I'm not risking my brain for some severance.

Sorry. Here. We need this.

No, no. You -- Okay.No, we just need it.

Okay. All right.

Bee me. What?

Strap it on. Throw the switch.

Bee me.

Wait. Hang on.

Craig...

are you sure you want to do this?

We have nineteen minutes until the Earth is destroyed,

so we can't afford to play it safe.

Right?

Bee me.

Bee me!

Oh, wait, wait!

Eliza.

If I don't come back, or if I come back as a bee,

I just want you to know that --

Yeeeaaaghh! Aah!

Craig!

Did it work?

Is he a bee?

Carla: Hey, look!

He's doing it,

sort of.

Whoa.

Get --

Yes!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Get him out. We're losing him!

Craig.

Craig, are you okay?

Craig!

Craig!

Bzzzzzzzzzz.

I'm joking.

Bzzzzzzzzzz.

So, he's legitimately messed up.

Yep.

Right, everybody, we're back on track.

Now let's finish the job.

-Yeah. -Come on.

You heard him.

Break's over!

Man.

I've never walked this far in my whole entire life.

What am I doing anyway?

Uh, we need you to pump love in the air

to make the people kiss.

We can do that?

Y-Yes.

We do it right here...

in the Department of Love.

Oh. Makes sense. Okay.

Sure is a lot of mammoth stuff in here.

So, this is the Love Machine.

It's a little complex,

but I know you can handle it.

Well, I'll try my best.

So, the trick is to press this button over and over again

and keep doing that and just stay here.

I won't let you down.

I love you, buddy.

Okay. I love you.

Aah!

Aah!

Almost there!

Woman: Balloon grounded.

What?!

Uh...

8 more minutes, people!

Wind!

Sam?

Laura?

Press. Press.

Press. Press.

Oh!

What the...

Make way! I got to plug this puppy in!

Okay.

-Oh! -Aah! Aah!

-Oh! Oh! -Oh! No!

Aah! Aah!

Whoa!

Aah! Oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, no! Oh!

Aah!

Aah!

Someone!

Aah!

Aaah!

-Oh! -Oh!

Woman: Heaven off.Sanjay: Oh, no, no, no, no.

Man: No. No.

Was that me?

Yes. How?

All I was doing was plugging in the Love Machine.

Man #2: What's a Love Machine?

-Does that even exist? -I don't think so.

Sanjay?

Were you trying to get rid of me?

You want to know something?

Yes.

Yes, I was trying to get rid of you.

Why?

Because you're an idiot!

You're a moron!

You made a crazy, stupid planet,

and now it's gonna blow up!

And you know what? It's all your fault.

It's all because of you.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, everybody.

Sorry I let you all down.

I'll just let myself out.

God: Oh, come on.

-Hey. -Let's go, guys.

Laura!

Sam!

Hi.

Hi.

Man: ...the right sequence.

Heaven on.

Okay. They are just one meter apart now.

What's the plan?

Okay, I've located a pair of rabid pigeons.

I say that we blow some bread crumbs

into the back of their heads.

The pigeons dive-bomb them, smash their faces together.

Maybe their lips touch. I don't know.

What else have we got?

Do it! Pigeons! Go!

Wait!

I think they're gonna do this on their own.

There's no way. They're cowards.

They've choked every time.

Yeah, I know.

But sometimes people surprise you.

I thought you wanted to go home.

I thought youwanted to go home.

No, I only wanted to go home

because I thought you wanted to go home.

Well, I didn't.

Well, why did you say you did?

'Cause I was...

scared.

I thought, if I said that I wanted to stay,

and you said you wanted to go,

then that would mean that I was the only one

who wanted to stay.

I was scared of the same thing.

I'm sorry i-if I've been weird.

It's just...

it's been a weird couple weeks.

Do you ever feel like everything in life

is just, like, totally out of your control?

10...

Together: 9, 8...

7, 6...

Yeah. ...5...

Always. ...4...

...3...

Almost always.2...

Yes! Yeah!

Yes!

Whoo-hoo! Oh! Oh!

Yes!

Jordan.

Sanjay: Hey.

We just wanted to let you know that Earth's been saved.

Oh.

Well, you must be really mad, then.

Since you hate it so much

and think it's stupid and everything.

We don't hate it.

I-I mean, sure, it's messy.

-And frightening. -And unfair.

I mean, you know, objectively, it's...not good.

But maybe that's the point.

You made Earth a hard place

so that we have to learn how to be strong.

Maybe.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Hold on.

You knew how this would turn out all along, didn't you?

You had it all planned from the very beginning.

You've been secretly guiding us every step of the way.

It all happened for a reason.

It was all part of your awesome plan,

your grand, unknowable design.

No.

That would have been cool, though.

-Oh. -Oh.

-You could have just said yes. -Right.

We'd have believed you.

Oh, hey.

Do you want to come to the party?

There's a party?

Of course. Everyone's celebrating.

Why?

'Cause they love Earth.

I love you, buddy.

Okay.

I love you!

I love you, too.

You kind of forget how beautiful it is.

They have no idea how close they came to total annihilation.

I still can't believe we pulled it off.

We're not done yet.

A job well done.

-Conga line! -Whoo-hoo!

Aren't you coming?

Not really much of a dancer.

You love to dance.

You dance every time you find someone's keys.

Well, no, that's more of a --

sort of like a subtle shimmy, though.

I don't know any of the, uh --

yeah, the popular steps.

Um...you know, although I...

I could probably learn if someone would --

were to teach me.

I don't follow.

Would -- Would you like to dance with me?

-Okay. Here. I'll lead. -Okay.

Okay, yes. That's definitely for the best. Okay.

So, like this. Right.

Mm. Okay.

Um, and let's just stay --

We'll stay away from that ledge, won't we?

Oh? Yeah, yeah. No. We got it. Yeah.

A freak mega-storm rocked the metropolitan area this evening,

pummeling the city with hurricane-force winds, hail,

lightning, snow, and rain simultaneously

for several seconds, before disappearing entirely.

The damage caused is still being assessed,

but, tragically, we have confirmed that the destruction

includes the beloved 13th Street Tunnel,

once blessed by Saint Mother Teresa herself.

Finally, on a personal note, I'd like to announce

that I will be taking a much-needed vacation.

The stresses of the recent news cycle

have shaken me to my very core.

I'm a journalist, but I'm also a man.

My wife is worried about me.

That's why, tomorrow morning,

I'm flying her and our two daughters

to the white-sand beaches of sunny Aruba.

Life's short. You gotta seize the day.

This is Laron Ron St. Claire signing off.