Original subtitles

Previously on "Miracle Workers"...

You want to destroy the entire world?

Yeah. But that's not why I brought you in here.

This here is a restaurant.

What?I call it...Lazy Susan's.

I already have a prototype for the claw.

Eliza: All we have to do is get these two to kiss.

Friday? Friday.

Yes!

Yes!

Is that enough time?

Just barely.

This is it.

The big day.

If I don't land these investors...

Lazy Susan's doesn't stand a chance.

Who you pitching to?

A couple of real power players.

Mom, Dad?

I'm coming home.

No, buddy. No, youlisten to me,okay?

What don't you understand about supply and "command"?

I mean, it's easy.

I want those numbers going up, not down.

And if you can't -- Sorry.

If you can't put -- Then it's your ass, all right?

I-I want -- Yes.

At the end of the quarter, I want those numbers

on my desk, yesterday.

Right.

Woman: We're sorry.

Wow.

Sorry. Work stuff.

Just, if I leave for a minute, it's, uh...

Anyway, hi.

Hey, there, kiddo.It's been a while.

Bring it in.

Mom, Dad.

Okay.

All right, guys, how's it looking?

All good here. Sam showered today.

Good here, too. Laura's picked out her least-stained shirt.

Craig, have they finalized their plans for the date?

Yes. They are going to the cinema.

That is perfect!

Dark theater, sitting next to each other...

It doesn't get more romantic than that.

What are they seeing?Oh. This.

Herzog: The sewer.

Tunnels filled with feces.

Rats and slime.

The stench of human waste.

Descend with me into this nightmare world

of our own making...

in 3-D.

Yeah, they're not gonna kiss watching that.

What do we do?

We gotta get them on a better date.

So, how's your planet, son?

It's going great, Dad. Thanks for asking.

We just celebrated another million years without war.

Wow.Somebody's going after his mom's record.

And, sweetheart,

I heard you're doing an amazing job running your planet.

Well, you know, it's a utopia,

so it kind of runs itself.

Of course.

God:

Me too.

What?

Oh, uh, yeah, I'm also doing really good.

Oh, right.

Your...planet.

Uh, how is Turd?

It's -- It's "Earth."

Earth. Right. Sorry.

Earth.

My apologies.

It's going really great.

Thanks for asking.

But -- ahem --

I've actually been working on a whole new project.

Here we go. All right.

Mom, Dad, it's pitch time.

Come on.

Okay, okay, new pitch.

Uh, how about a romantic carriage ride?

Nope. Sam's afraid of horses.

Doesn't like their eyes.

All right, then, uh, what about an eyeless horse?

We get some crows, right?

Wait, where are you getting crows from?

It's Earth. Anywhere.

We get them to swoop down

and peck the eyes out of the horse.

No, crows only peck eyes out of dead things, though.

So unless you're gonna get a dead horse...

Then I'll get a dead horse!

Have you guys ever thought about a Kiss Cam?

Rosie. That's brilliant!

Sorry. What -- W-What is a "Kiss Cam"?

Oh, it's this thing they do at sporting events.

They find two people in the stands,

point a camera at them, and they have to kiss.

Sanjay: There's a basketball game tonight.

The arena is in Sam and Laura's neighborhood.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Are we all -- We all positive

this is the best idea, just putting them on a massive screen

in front of loads of people?

Let's make it happen.

Yeah.

And on this island, there are dozens of capable chefs

making all sorts of foods --

pizza, pasta, even French, right?

And when you see a food you like,

you grab it with this long claw.

And it all goes down...

at Lazy Susan's.

I don't know how they put up with this.

Whoo!

Okay, Nelson, I think we've got it,

but let's just get a few more takes,

just to be on the safe si--Wow.

So, I guess what's left is to talk numbers?

Well, uh, before your father and I invest in this...thing,

we need to talk in private.Yes.

Ohh! I see. You want to get together your offer.

All right.

But if you think you're gonna take more than 49%,

you got another thing coming.

All right.

I was just kidding.

I love you guys.

Love you.

Hey, Sam. So, this is weird,

but it looks like the theater we were gonna go to tonight

is on fire.

Is everyone okay?

No. A lot of people died.

Oh, God.So, is there anything else

you might want to do tonight?

This is gonna sound weird, but, uh,

two tickets to a basketball game landed on my head.

What?Yeah, I was eating lunch,

and a crow dropped them on me.

They look like pretty good seats.

Okay.

Should we do that?

Sure.

Nice.

What? -I just...

How can we even be sure they're going to end up on camera?

All right, there's gonna be dozens

of other couples going to this game.

Actually, there's...

212. -Right.

So there's virtually no chance

of Sam and Laura getting picked.

Craig's right.

We need to cull the herd.What?

We take out all the other couples, by any means necessary.

Good job, Craig. -Amazing work.

-This is really great. -Thanks?

Thank you.

The good news is that we are very proud of you.

And we love that you have...ideas.

-Great. -That being said,

with the market being what it is,

we just don't think now is a good time

for us to invest in anything.

What about them?

You invest in their stuff all the time.

Well, uh...

we just think the concept for your restaurant...

might be difficult to execute.

Oh, well, I mean, if you have any notes at all,

I mean, big or small, I'm -- I'm totally open.

Well, if you're asking for notes, um, the "food claw"...

Yeah, the claw stays. I'm married to the claw.

You lose the claw, and you're compromising

the integrity of Lazy Susan's.

I mean...

"Get rid of the claw," she says.

Anything else?

All right, guys. Keep it up.

Only a few couples left.

Come on, baby.

Nice work, Eliza.

Aah!

Aah! Aah! No!

Ah! Great job, Rosie.

I can't go to the game.

I have diarrhea.

Sanjay, gross.

That wasn't me. That guy just has diarrhea.

Oh.

Well, anyway, we're in great shape.

Look.

Not as many people as I expected.

Yeah, looks like we have this entire row

to ourselves.

Maybe these are bad teams?

That's okay.

Honestly, I don't know that much about basketball anyway.

Me neither.

I was just gonna start cheering for the team

that you started cheering for.

Wait. That was my plan, too.

Cheers? Cheers.

Ahh.

You know, I'm glad those tickets fell on your head.

This is fun.

You're not bored?

I think you could have taken me anywhere tonight,

and I wouldn't have been bored.

No, okay. I think we should disable the Kiss Camera.

Craig.No. They are getting there on their own.

They don't need any extra pressure.

The Kiss Cam's gonna work.

I mean, think about it.

Put yourself in Sam's shoes.

How so?

Imagine you're, like, this lonely guy,

not a lot of friends, socially awkward,

everyone thinks you're weird.

Okay, I will imagine that.

And then one day, out of the blue, this girl shows up,

and you think she's the coolest person you've ever met.

Right, yes.And the more you spend time with her,

the more you realize this girl kicks ass.

She's awesome. You really like her.

Okay.And it builds, and it builds

until, one night, she's sitting right next to you...

like, as close as I am to you right now.

Mm-hmm.And everyone's looking.

You'd go for it. Right?

Well, no, not necessarily.

Not if I was unsure about how she felt about me,

or was scared to death of losing her as a friend,

and also pretty frightened of her in general.

What? What?

Anyway, let's put it to a vote.

Um, all against.

All for.

Okay, well, I suppose I have no choice

but to accept the will of the group.

This is a democracy, after all,

so, yeah, consider the matter settled.

-Craig! -Whoa!

-Hold on! -What the

No! You're wrong! These are two very shy people!

-Oh! -I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry. That was unprofessional.

And I'm completely out of line.

Frankly, I am ashamed of myself.

No! -Oh!

-You open that cabinet! -No!

-Yes. -No, you'll ruin this!

Do not put me in there! No!

-Get him in. -No! No, no!

Ah, you're making a huge mistake!

Let's get back to work.

You guys, I -- I

I-I don't get the hesitation, right?

You love the concept.

And there's hardly any overhead.

There's no tables, no waiters,

no bathrooms, no walls...

Why aren't there any bathrooms?

Well, because it's a lazy river.

So people would just...

Yeah. They just go.

Son, I'm not sure this is for us.

Why?

It just seems like a -- a very ambitious project,

and we're worried...

That you might not be able to handle it.

Whoa.

Y-You don't think I can do this?

You think I'm not... good enough?

You think there's something wrong with me?

No. No, sweetie,

that's not what we were saying at all!

No, no, no, no. We -- We -- We love the river restaurant.

Really?

Yep. Count us in, champ.

Okay, good!

Now, for the first 10 locations, I've budgeted --

-Are you kidding me? -You're gonna bankroll this?!

He's very passionate about it.

It -- It seems unique.

That's just what you said about the Earth.

Okay, wait. This is way different from the Earth.

Mom, it's not. It's the same thing.

Just another water circle with people scrambling for food

and shitting everywhere!

Look.

Remember when he pitched this?

It was insane.

It makes no sense.

But we haaaad to be supportive 'cause he's the baby.

Yeah, let's just forget that he flunked out of school

and write him a blank check to start his own planet.

Hey, I started nineplanets.

Yeah, well, you only got one of them to work.

Kids, that's enough.

Your brother tried his best.

That's what makes it so sad.

You guys are being too harsh.

How bad can Turd possibly be?

We'll tell you.

Oh!

Whoo!

Announcer: What-What-What-What. What the what?!

It's time for the Jammin' 103 Kiss Cam!

Brought to you by T.J. and Piggie In The Morning.

Ooh, there's a cozy-looking couple.

Ho-ho! A little shy, I guess.

Crowd: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!Come on. Kiss her.

Come on. Get it over with.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Craig was right.They're choking.

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

You guys, it's gonna be fine, okay?

Just relax. They're gonna do it.

Wait, what the hell is this now?!

Announcer: Uh-oh. Look who's on the prowl!

Here comes a real stud, folks.

It's M.C. Dunks. Go get 'em, Dunks!

Looks like M.C. Dunks wants a smooch.

Damn it, M.C. Dunks! Get away from them.

Announcer: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss.

I said, "Get...away"!

Oh!

Aah! Help!

Ohh! Oh, help!Oh!

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh. Aah! Hey, man.

-What are you -- What -- -Hey, you gotta help me.

What are you talking about?!

-Oh, my -- -Help me!

-What? Stop! -Please!

-Aah! -Oh!

M.C. Dunks is dead.

He's dead!

They killed him.

Man: Murderers!

-They're leaving the arena. -It's over.

Explain cows.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Tell Mom and Dad what a cow is.

It's like a big dog you can drink from.

And what's a dog?

A small cow you can be friends with.

Tell them about giraffes.

What's a giraffe?

It's just a tall dog with...

Louder. Speak up.

Tall dog with a leg for a neck.

What is going on? What is happening?

Are -- Are these real animals?

You made all these things?

This is what you did with the 4 grand we gave you?!

T-T-That's it. I'm done.

I-I'm not talking about this anymore.

We're almost finished.

Explain your pièce de résistance.

Explain humans.

Oh, come on, Ricky. Just stop it!

You made your point.

These creatures live on his planet.

But only on the surface, because he forgot to build the middle.

So the inside is just fire.

Anyway, these humans are born nude -- like, fully naked.

He gave them no instructions,

and they just do whatever they want.

What do you mean?

He gave them free will.

Son, is this true?

Why would you do that?

I thought it would make them happy.

I thought, with all that freedom,

they -- they could do great things.

Instead, they -- they just mostly ended up...

like me.

Ah...

It was supposed to be better.

So, um...

I'm sorry we put you in the cabinet.

Craig: No, I'm -- I'm sorry.

And, also, guys, I've been thinking about it,

and you're absolutely right.

The Kiss Cam really is our best shot.

-It failed. -Oh.

I mean, m-maybe it's not all bad.

I mean, traumatic events bring people together,

so -- so maybe Sam and Laura can bond over this.

Right? Maybe?

That was horrible.

Yeah.

So, uh, I guess you want to go home now.

What do you mean?

Well, um, I don't know.

Because you just said that you were having

a horrible time, so...That's not what I said.

Well, that's what it sounded like you said.

Okay, well, sounds like youwant to go home.

What? What do you mean?

Like, you're the one who keeps talking about going home, so...

Well, that's 'cause I-I was thinking

that you wanted to go home.

W-Well, I kind of do, now.

Okay, fine. So, um...

I'm going home.

Okay, fine. Go home.

I'll go home. We'll both go home.

Okay.

Good night.

Okay.

Bye.

Goodbye.

You know what?

No. I'm not giving up.

Son, it's a bad restaurant.

I'm not talking about Lazy Susan's.

I know my planet is weird.

I mean, it's frozen on the top and bottom,

and the sky changes colors,

and people, they don't know what they're doing,

and they mess up a lot.

But I love it.

And I'm proud of it.

And, come on. Giraffes are cool.

I mean, if you don't get giraffes,

if you can't find the joy

in a tall dog with a leg for a neck,

then I feel sorry for you.

I mean, you guys can pick on me all you want.

But don't pick on Earth.

'Cause it's here to stay.

I'm not gonna blow it up.

You were gonna blow it up?Well, yeah.

I got this whole gold-ball thing

that is setting off this asteroid that's coming to...

You know what? It's over your head.

How are we gonna fix this?

Did someone order a miracle?

The bet's off.

I'm here to save the world.

-O-Okay. Okay.

-Oh, um, it's not gonna... -Ah.

Craig: Okay.

-Ah. -Ah! Aah.

-Oh, no! -Aah!

-Don't hurt yourself. -Stop it.

That's just -- Okay.

Whew! Damn it. Rosie!

It's sealed -- permanently.

Remember?

Shit.

Okay.

Oh, how's this thing going?

A basketball game became a horror show tonight

when a beloved mascot died in screaming agony

in front of hundreds of fans.

James "M.C. Dunks" Morowitz collapsed suddenly

during tonight's game due to what doctors diagnosed

as an "explosive rupture of the appendix."

The mascot has already been permanently retired,

as psychologists believe even seeing his image

may trigger scarring flashbacks for those unlucky enough

to have witnessed his nightmarish demise.

Sports, ironically, is next.