Original subtitles

- THANK YOU, OLD GUS,

FOR BRIGHTENING OUR LIVES, OUR HEARTS

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OUR SHOES.

[applause]

- THIS TRULY IS A DAY OF MIXED EMOTIONS FOR ME.

I'M SAD THAT OLD GUS IS LEAVING.

BUT IT ALLOWS ME TO HELP ANDY RESTART HIS LIFE

AS PIONEER HALL'S NEW SHOESHINE GUY.

- WELL, I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOUR BORING SPEECHES

FOR THE LAST 50 YEARS.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO ONE OF MINE.

YOU KNOW A DAY LIKE THIS

MAKES A MAN REFLECT UPON HIS LIFE.

AND I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION

THAT I'VE COMPLETELY WASTED MINE.

AND JUST FOR THE RECORD,

I NEVER EVER LIKED BEING CALLED OLD GUS.

I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT WHEN I WAS IN MY 20S

AND I SURE HATE IT NOW.

SO GO TO HELL, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

SCREW PAWNEE AND SCREW YOUR DAMN SHOES.

AH!

- OLD GUS IS CLASSIC.

[upbeat music]

*

- SO I PROPOSE THAT WE CHANGE OUR NAME

FROM THE SUBCOMMITTEE FOR PIT BEAUTIFICATION

TO THE SUBCOMMITTEE FOR LOT BEAUTIFICATION.

APRIL, STOP THAT. WHO ARE YOU TEXTING?

- YOU.

- AWW. SHE'S TEXTING ME.

I'M SORRY YOU'RE BORED.

- UH, HEY, EVERYONE.

OH, HEY, ANN.

UM, LESLIE, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

- FINE. TOM YOU'RE IN CHARGE.

KEEP THE MOMENTUM GOING. KEEP THESE MINDS WORKING.

- ABSOLUTELY, CHIEF.

- OKAY, WOULD YOU RATHER BE ABLE TO FLY

OR SPEAK FLUENT FRENCH?

DONNA, GO. - FRENCH.

- I DON'T WANNA FREAK YOU OUT,

BUT ANOTHER DEPARTMENT FILED A PLANNING CLAIM

FOR LOT 48.

- WHO?

NO...

- YEAH. - DAMN IT!

THE LIBRARY?

PAWNEE'S LIBRARY DEPARTMENT IS THE MOST DIABOLICAL,

RUTHLESS BUNCH OF BUREAUCRATS I'VE EVER SEEN.

THEY'RE LIKE A BIKER GANG.

BUT INSTEAD OF SHOTGUNS AND CRYSTAL METH

THEY USE POLITICAL SAVVY.

AND SHUSHING.

- IT'S GONNA BE OKAY. IT'S NOT A DONE DEAL.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THANKS FOR PULLING ME OUT OF THERE.

I NEED A GOOD PLAN, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE A PANIC.

NEWS FLASH, WE'RE SCREWED.

WE GOT A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE LIBRARY.

- PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS.

- WAIT, WHY DO WE HATE THE LIBRARY?

- THE LIBRARY IS THE WORST GROUP OF PEOPLE

EVER ASSEMBLED IN HISTORY.

THEY'RE MEAN, CONNIVING, RUDE

AND EXTREMELY WELL READ, WHICH MAKES THEM VERY DANGEROUS.

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO STEAL LOT 48 FOR A NEW BRANCH.

all: WHAT? - YEAH.

- GET OUT OF HERE. - YEAH.

- ON 48? - YEAH!

- THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- I ACTUALLY THINK A LIBRARY WOULD BE NICE

THAT CLOSE TO MY HOUSE.

BUT I'M NOT ABOUT TO SAY THAT IN THERE.

- A NEW BRANCH? - YES!

- OH, I HATE THEM.

- OKAY, WE NEED TO MAKE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE THERE.

DOES ANYBODY KNOW ANYBODY THAT WORKS AT THE LIBRARY?

- UH, WELL, WE ACTUALLY KIND OF DO.

THE NEW DEPUTY DIRECTOR OF THE DEPARTMENT

IS TAMMY SWANSON.

- RON'S EX-WIFE?

THAT'S TERRIFIC. OR IS THAT AWFUL?

I MEAN, HE HATES HER, BUT HE KNOWS HER.

EVERYTHING'S OKAY. OR IS IT JUST THE SAME?

- LESLIE, YOU'RE THINKING OUT LOUD AGAIN.

- AM I? I AM.

- OF COURSE, THAT BITCH OF AN EX-WIFE

IS WORKING FOR THE LIBRARY NOW.

THAT IS PERFECT.

THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

WORKING AT THE WORST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

- I HAVE TO GO TALK TO HER.

AND YOU GOTTA GIVE ME SOMETHING I CAN USE.

DOES SHE HAVE ANY WEAKNESSES?

- NO.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO? EVERYBODY HAS A WEAKNESS.

-NOT MACHINES.

I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT SHE WAS PROGRAMMED

BY SOMEONE FROM THE FUTURE

TO COME BACK AND DESTROY ALL HAPPINESS.

- I SEE.

JUST, I KNEW THAT YOU HAD TWO EX-WIVES NAMED TAMMY.

SO I WAS HOPING THAT THERE WAS ONE

THAT YOU GOT ALONG WITH.

- NO. I HATE 'EM BOTH.

ON MY DEATH BED,

MY FINAL WISH IS TO HAVE MY EX-WIVES RUSHED TO MY SIDE

SO I CAN USE MY DYING BREATH

TO TELL THEM BOTH TO GO TO HELL ONE LAST TIME.

WOULD I GET MARRIED AGAIN? OH, ABSOLUTELY.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN LOVE, WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING?

- I'M JUST LOOKING FORWARD TO A THOUGHTFUL DEBATE

WITH TAMMY ABOUT THE RELATIVE MERITS

OF PARKS VERSUS LIBRARIES.

AND IN CASE SOMETHING BAD GOES DOWN,

I WORE MY SHARPEST RINGS.

THIS ONE WILL TEAR YOU UP.

HELLO. HI.

I'M LESLIE KNOPE. I CALLED A LITTLE WHILE AGO.

- YOU HAVE A LOT OF NERVE SHOWING YOUR FACE HERE.

- EXCUSE ME?

- YOU HAVE OVERDUE BOOK FEES TOTALING $3.00 MISSY.

- THAT IS SO TYPICAL.

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU'D USE A LOW-BLOW,

DIRTY POOL, B.S. MOVE LIKE THAT.

THAT'S WHY EVERYBODY HATES THE LIBRARY.

HERE, YOU KNOW WHAT, HERE'S YOUR $3.00.

AND I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL.

- LESLIE, LESLIE, LESLIE, I WAS JUST KIDDING.

MY GOSH.

I MEAN, YOU DID HAVE $3.00 WORTH OF FINES,

BUT I CLEARED THEM.

WE GOVERNMENT GALS

HAVE TO WATCH EACH OTHER'S BACKS, RIGHT?

- I KNOW THIS IS A TRAP. BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW.

- OKAY. DID YOU TALK TO RON?

UM, RON TENDS TO EXAGGERATE WHEN IT COMES TO ME.

I SWEAR I DON'T HAVE CLOVEN FEET.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

-SHINE, SHINE, SHINE YOUR SHOES?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, SIR? MA'AM, SHOESHINE?

I WON'T LOOK UP YOUR SKIRT.

- ANN, WHOA. OH, MY GOSH--CRAZY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S ME, IT'S ANDY.

- HI, ANDY. - SO, ANN, HOW YOU BEEN?

- GOOD.

YEAH, LESLIE TOLD ME YOU WERE WORKING HERE NOW.

- YEAH, JUST JOINING THE RAT RACE.

CHASING THE CHEESE. RACING THE RATS.

TRYING TO GET THE CHEESE.

ENOUGH TECHNICAL BUSINESS TALK.

YOU LOOK RAVISHING.

- NOT A LOT OF CUSTOMERS, HUH?

- YEAH, BUSINESS IS A LITTLE SLOW.

IT IS DEFINITELY DUE TO THE ECONOMY.

UM, I'VE BEEN HEARING A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THAT A LOT

ABOUT A LOT OF STUFF.

WHOA, MARK! YOU WANT THOSE SHOES SHINED?

I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE YOU'RE A FRIEND OF ANN'S.

- WELL, I'M MORE THAN A FRIEND OF ANN'S.

- OH, NOT FOR LONG.

- I'M SORRY? - I DON'T KNOW.

AT LEAST HE FINALLY HAS A REAL JOB.

WHEN WE WERE DATING THE ONLY JOB HE HAD

WAS SENDING AUDITION TAPES

TO SURVIVOR AND DEAL OR NO DEAL.

- HI, MY NAME IS ANDY DWYER,

AND I WOULD BE A PERFECT CONTESTANT FOR DEAL OR NO DEAL.

- I WANT IT TO BE A PERFECT PARK,

WITH A STATE-OF-THE-ART SWING SET

AND BASKETBALL COURTS.

AND OFF TO THE SIDE A LOVELY SITTING AREA

FOR KIDS WITH ASTHMA TO WATCH OTHER KIDS PLAY.

WOW, IF I'D HAD A PARK LIKE THAT

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THROUGH

SUCH A PROLONGED MALL SLUT PHASE.

- WELL, THAT'S--THAT'S THE GOAL, TAMMY.

- LISTEN, YOU GUYS GOT THERE FIRST.

I'M GONNA WITHDRAW MY REQUEST FOR THE LOT

AS A PROFESSIONAL COURTESY TO YOU.

GOVERNMENT GALS, RIGHT?

- GOVERNMENT GALS.

- SO YOU TALKED TO TAMMY.

WHAT'S IT LIKE TO STARE INTO THE EYE

OF SATAN'S BUTT HOLE?

- SHE'S CHANGED, RON.

SHE'S A DIFFERENT PERSON.

I JUST--I THINK IT WOULD BE HEALTHY

FOR YOU TO GET A SENSE OF CLOSURE.

LOOK AT MARK AND ME.

WE SLEPT TOGETHER. WE TALKED ABOUT IT.

WE'RE STILL FRIENDS.

- YOU SLEPT WITH BRENDANAWICZ?

- NO!

- LOOK, TAMMY AND I DON'T WORK.

WE ARE OIL AND WATER.

OR OIL AND TNT AND C-4 AND A DETONATOR

AND A BUTANE TORCH.

NOTHING GOOD WILL COME...

WAIT...

SHE'S HERE, ISN'T SHE?

- HI, RON.

- TAMMY.

- GOOD. GOOD START.

- I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS,

BUT I JUST REALLY WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

COULDN'T WE GO HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?

- LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

- THANKS, RON.

IT MEANS A LOT.

YOU'RE A MIRACLE WORKER.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST DID?

- YES, DONNA.

I GOT TWO PEOPLE TO PUT ASIDE YEARS OF HOSTILITY

AND OPEN A DOOR TO THE POSSIBILITY OF FRIENDSHIP.

- YOU WERE NOT HERE WHEN RON AND TAMMY GOT DIVORCED.

I WAS. THOSE TWO ARE CRAZY.

- YEAH, AND YOU JUST OPENED THE GATES.

TO CRAZY TOWN.

- FRANKLY, I THINK RON WAS ACTING LIKE A BABY.

A LITTLE BIT.

I MEAN, WHAT IS HE AFRAID OF?

TAMMY'S JUST A WOMAN. A NICE WOMAN.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT A MURDERER.

SHE'S NOT A DRAGON.

- IT'S REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU, RON.

- YOU'VE AGED HORRIBLY.

- YOU SON OF A BITCH.

- THAT DIDN'T TAKE LONG. - OH, MY GOD!

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

NOTHING'S CHANGED, HAS IT?

WHO SET THE BED ON FIRE? - EXCUSE ME, FOLKS.

- I DID, OKAY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR?

[overlapping chatter] - PLEASE.

PLEASE.

- WHEN YOU MEDDLE IN SOMEONE'S PERSONAL LIFE

IT'S JUST SO REWARDING.

- OH, GOD! YEAH!

OH GOD, YEAH!

OH, GOD!

OH, YES, BABY! GUN IT!

USUAL PLACE?

[laughing]

[laughing]

- * HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL

* READS THE CARD OF A MAN

* A KNIGHT WITHOUT ARMOR IN A SAVAGE LAND *

GOOD MORNING, JERRY.

THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL SWEATER VEST.

APRIL!

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE $20.00.

AM I RIGHT? - WHY?

- 'CAUSE YOU'RE A KID AND KIDS ALWAYS NEED MONEY.

- I NEED MONEY. - HA!

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE MY FAVORITE, TOM.

- WHEN TIGER WOODS FEELS INVINCIBLE

HE WEARS A RED SHIRT AND BLACK PANTS.

- GOOD MORNING, DEPUTY.

- RON WEARS THE SAME THING AFTER HE'S HAD SEX.

- I'M A SIMPLE MAN.

I LIKE PRETTY, DARK-HAIRED WOMEN

AND BREAKFAST FOOD.

BUT THIS STOCK PHOTO

I BOUGHT AT A FRAMING STORE ISN'T REAL.

TODAY I GOT THE REAL THING.

A NAKED TAMMY MADE ME BREAKFAST THIS MORNING.

I SHOULD'VE TAKEN A PICTURE OF IT.

- HEY, TOM.

- WHAT'S UP?

- MY GIRLFRIEND'S EX IS WORKING 100 FEET AWAY FROM MY DESK.

AND HE'S BEEN PRETTY CLEAR ABOUT WANTING HER BACK.

WHAT DO I DO WITH THAT?

- HMM. THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.

- YOU SHOULD BREAK UP WITH HER AND TELL HER TO GO OUT WITH ME.

- THAT'S GOOD. CAN I ASK YOU ANOTHER QUESTION?

WHY DID I COME TO YOU FOR ADVICE?

- YEAH, OKAY.

I THINK YOU SHOULD PLAY THIS ONE COOL, MAN.

BE THE GROWN-UP. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

- YEAH. - ANN'S A CLASSY CHICK.

IF YOU GET DOWN IN THE MUD,

YOU'RE JUST GONNA LOSE HER RESPECT.

- UH...

YOU'VE JUST MADE A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF SENSE, TOM.

THANK YOU.

- I'VE NEVER TAKEN THE HIGH ROAD.

BUT I TELL OTHER PEOPLE TO.

'CAUSE THEN THERE'S MORE ROOM FOR ME ON THE LOW ROAD.

- SO HOW DID YOUR COFFEE WITH TAMMY GO?

- LESLIE, I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH

FOR STICKING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DIDN'T BELONG.

- I KNEW IT.

SO WHAT DID YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT?

OLD TIMES? I LOVE TALKING ABOUT OLD TIMES.

NEW TIMES ARE GREAT TOO.

BUT THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT OLD TIMES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? - WE DIDN'T TALK.

WE MADE LOVE.

- OH, MY, MMM...

GOOD. OH, WELL, SPARE ME THE DETAILS.

I'M JUST HAPPY-- - IT WAS SO INTENSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE MY FLESH STOPPED AND HERS BEGAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- YEAH.

- OUR MARRIAGE WAS ALWAYS A COMPLETE DISASTER,

BUT WE DID HAVE THAT, THE TWO OF US.

IT'S LIKE DOING PEYOTE

AND SNEEZING SLOWLY FOR SIX HOURS.

- THIS SEEMS LIKE A PRIVATE MATTER.

BUT I'M JUST SO--

- THAT WOMAN REALLY KNOWS HER WAY AROUND A PENIS.

- [sighing] OKAY.

WELL, I'M HAPPY THAT IT WENT WELL

AND THAT YOU ENJOYED YOUR COFFEE.

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT EVERYONE

SHOULD BE FRIENDS WITH THEIR EXES.

I CAN'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MANY OF MY EXES' WEDDINGS

I'VE BEEN TO.

[cackling]

- THEY'RE READING THEIR OLD DIVORCE PAPERS.

- THREE FISTFULS OF HAIR?

THAT'S NOT EVEN POSSIBLE.

- WELL, I'M TOO CLASSY TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO, DONNA.

SO I WROTE IT ON A POST IT.

- LESLIE.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF.

I MEAN YOU SPEND SO MUCH TIME WORRYING ABOUT THIS PARK.

BUT REALLY, WHO CARES?

- I CARE. I CARE A LOT.

IT'S KINDA MY THING. REMEMBER?

- BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY WHAT DOES IT MATTER

IF THE LOT BECOMES A PARK OR A MUSEUM

OR A MEGA CHURCH?

OR A LIBRARY.

- NOBODY SAID LIBRARY.

- RON, YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO TAMMY ABOUT THE LOT?

- NO.

I SWEAR ON A GRAVE.

- OH, MY GOD! RON!

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

ARE YOU GIVING HER THE LOT?

- NOT GIVING.

WE HAVE DISCUSSED A TRADE.

- FOR WHAT?

- [muttering]

- EXCUSE ME.

- MORE SEX.

- OH, GOD!

TAMMY, CAN I SPEAK WITH YOU FOR A SECOND?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT RON.

YOU'RE JUST USING HIM TO GET LOT 48 FOR YOUR LIBRARY.

- LESLIE, THAT'S CRAZY. AND CORRECT.

- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

- LES, THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF WOMEN IN THIS WORLD.

THERE ARE WOMEN WHO WORK HARD

AND STRESS OUT ABOUT DOING THE RIGHT THING

AND THEN THERE ARE WOMEN WHO ARE COOL.

YOU COULD EITHER BE A CLEOPATRA

OR YOU COULD BE AN ELEANOR ROOSEVELT.

I'D RATHER BE CLEOPATRA.

- WHAT KIND OF LUNATIC WOULD WANNA BE CLEOPATRA

OVER ELEANOR ROOSEVELT?

- HAVEN'T YOU EVER MESSED WITH A MAN'S HEAD

JUST TO SEE WHAT YOU COULD GET HIM TO DO FOR YOU?

WE DO IT ALL THE TIME IN THE LIBRARY DEPARTMENT.

YOU SHOULD COME JOIN US SOMETIME.

- I WOULD NEVER WORK AT THE LIBRARY DEPARTMENT.

I'M GONNA TELL RON WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

AND THIS LITTLE GAME THAT YOU'RE PLAYING

IS GONNA BE OVER.

- OKIE DOKE.

- YEAH, YOU BETTER RUN.

WE'RE NO LONGER GOVERNMENT GALS.

LOOK, WE NEED TO TALK.

RON, NO.

THE PLANNING DEPARTMENT REPRIORITIZATION DOCUMENT?

- CALM DOWN. I HAVEN'T SIGNED IT YET.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE GOING TO.

BECAUSE TAMMY WANTS YOU TO

AND YOU DO EVERYTHING THAT SHE WANTS.

- SHE MADE SOME REALLY GOOD POINTS ABOUT LIBRARIES.

- ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF?

YOU'RE DEFENDING THE LIBRARY NOW?

RON, THE LIBRARY.

OF ALL THE HORRIFYING, MISERABLE THINGS IN THE WORLD.

- SOME PEOPLE LIKE LIBRARIES.

- I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE WHAT I'M HEARING.

SOME PEOPLE LIKE LIBRARIES.

RON, SHE'S IN YOUR HEAD.

YOU SAID THAT SHE WAS A MANIPULATIVE MONSTER

AND YOU WERE RIGHT.

- NO, NO. TAMMY'S CHANGED.

- LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME THAT SHE'S CHANGED.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

- I'M SO SCREWED NOW.

HER HOOKS ARE IN MY BRAIN. - YEP.

SHE HAS ALL THE POWER AND I HAVE NOTHING.

I'M SO LITTLE.

- WHY DON'T YOU JUST BREAK UP WITH HER?

- I DON'T THINK I CAN.

WE WOULD JUST END UP NAKED.

AND I'D GIVE HER YOUR LOT AND MY HOUSE

AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE.

I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY ACTIONS.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S CRAWLED UP INSIDE ME--

- OH, GOD, RON.

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING SEX ANYMORE.

OKAY, NOW SACK UP.

YOU ARE RON FREAKIN' SWANSON!

- NOT AROUND HER I'M NOT.

IT TOOK YEARS OF INTENSE, FOCUSED HATRED

TO GET OVER HER.

AND NOW I'VE UNDONE ALL THAT GREAT WORK.

YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME BREAK UP WITH HER.

- I DON'T THINK I SHOULD GET INVOLVED IN THIS.

- OH, NOW YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED?

"IT'S JUST COFFEE, RON."

"SHE'S CHANGED, RON."

"I LET MARK NAIL ME AND WE'RE STILL FRIENDS."

- OKAY, I NEVER--I WOULD NEVER USE THOSE WORDS.

I NEVER SAID--POINT TAKEN.

LET'S GO DUMP YOUR EX.

- THANK YOU.

- SO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE IN THE ROOM

WHEN I TELL HER IT'S OVER

OR WOULD YOU RATHER WAIT OUTSIDE?

- IN THE ROOM.

I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK I'M A WIMP.

- HERE ARE THE GROUND RULES. DON'T TALK TO HER.

DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HER.

DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING SHE SAYS.

JUST SIT THERE LIKE A POTTED PLANT.

CAN YOU DO THAT?

COME ON.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY TOM-- - MARK!

- HEY. - HEY! DONNA.

- SO HOW'S THE SHOESHINE GAME?

- I'M ON A BREAK.

ONE OF THE MANY ADVANTAGES OF OWNING YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

- YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT YOUR SITUATION, RIGHT?

- YEAH. LISTEN, DONNA.

- YES. - QUICK QUESTION.

ANN IS TRYING TO DECIDE BETWEEN MARK AND MYSELF.

- NO, SHE'S NOT, ACTUALLY.

- IF YOU HAD TO CHOOSE, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

RIGHT NOW, ON THE SPOT. - I'M NOT SURE.

WHY DON'T YOU SPIN AROUND FOR ME.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN WE TALK PRIVATELY?

- SURE. - JUST OUT HERE.

- MMM, ANDY.

- SO, TAMMY, FOR THAT AND MANY OTHER REASONS

RON HAS DECIDED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

RON BROUGHT YOU HERE

TO BREAK UP WITH ME FOR HIM?

- SHE VOLUNTEERED.

- LESLIE,

RON DOESN'T WANT TO BREAK UP WITH ME.

WHAT RON WANTS TO DO IS LEAVE HERE RIGHT NOW.

GO TO THE SLEAZIEST MOTEL IN TOWN

AND WRAP HIMSELF AROUND ME LIKE A COILED SNAKE.

- NO, HE DOESN'T.

- I'M PRETTY SURE HE DOES.

- [groaning]

- SEE? HE'S COMPLETELY OVER YOU.

- LOOK, I UNDERSTAND THAT THIS ANN SITUATION

IS AWKWARD.

BUT I LIKE YOU A LOT AS A DUDE.

AND I JUST HOPE THAT THERE IS SOME WAY THAT WE CAN BOTH BE

MATURE AND MAYBE BE FRIENDS.

- YEAH, I DOUBT IT.

I MEAN, I THINK YOU'RE A COOL DUDE TOO.

I LIKE YOU AS WELL.

BUT I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH ANN.

I COULDN'T HAVE BEEN MORE UPFRONT ABOUT THAT.

- IS PUNCHING ALLOWED ON THE HIGH ROAD?

- I'M SORRY, LESLIE.

SHE WINS. I CAN'T RESIST HER.

- BUT, RON, YOU HAVE TO.

-STAY OUT OF THIS. THIS IS OUR RELATIONSHIP.

HE'S MY MAN

AND WE HAVE SOMETHING TWISTED AND BEAUTIFUL.

OH...

YOU WANT RON.

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

- NO, THAT'S INSANE.

FINE, I HAD ONE DREAM, BUT NO, NO.

- BABY, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

SHE'S MANIPULATING YOU BECAUSE SHE'S JEALOUS OF ME

AND THE THINGS I GET TO DO TO YOUR BODY AND FACE.

- I'M HERE BECAUSE RON IS MY FRIEND.

AND I DON'T LIKE SEEING MY FRIENDS MISERABLE.

AND YOU, TAMMY, YOU MAKE HIM MISERABLE.

SO, RON, YOU CAN GIVE HER THE LOT OR DON'T.

WHATEVER.

JUST PLEASE, FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY.

- NO, WAIT.

- RON, IT'S OKAY. JUST SIGN THE THING.

- NO, LESLIE. IT'S NOT OKAY.

YOU JUST PUT MY NEEDS IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN.

NO WOMAN HAS EVER DONE THAT FOR ME BEFORE.

- I'M SURE THAT'S NOT TRUE.

- YOU SEE THE KIND OF WOMEN THAT I CHOOSE, RIGHT?

LOOK, JUST WAIT FOR ME DOWNSTAIRS.

IF I'M NOT DOWN IN FIVE MINUTES,

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I'M RECEIVING A PLEASURE SO INTENSE--

- OH, MY GOD!

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

ANDY AND ANN'S FAMILY SHOESHINE?

- I THOUGHT IT HAD A NICE RING TO IT.

- OH, MY GOD.

LOOK, MARK HAS BEEN REALLY COOL ABOUT ALL THIS.

AND YOU'RE THROWING IT IN HIS FACE.

- BUT I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU.

OKAY. I SAID IT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

NOT MENTION THOSE FEELINGS TO YOUR BOYFRIEND?

- YES! - YES.

AND YOU MIGHT WANNA TAKE THESE PICTURES DOWN.

- OH, MY GOD. TAKE THOSE PICTURES DOWN.

- WHAT? IT'S FINE.

WHAT DID I-- - ALL OF IT!

- I'M GONNA. - NOW!

OH, MY GOD.

GIVE ME THE BIKINI ONE.

- THE TEENY ONE? - BIKINI ONE.

- YOU DIDN'T GIVE HER THE LOT.

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

- IS PART OF YOUR MOUSTACHE MISSING?

- YES. JUST KEEP WALKING.

- THERE'S A PUSH PIN IN YOUR FACE.

- LEAVE IT IN.

CAN'T YOU WALK FASTER?

- MY LEGS ARE SHORTER THAN YOURS.

- WE HAD A GOOD RUN.

- THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY FUTURE PARK.

I KNOW THAT MUST HAVE BEEN HARD FOR YOU.

YOU DIDN'T KILL TAMMY, DID YOU?

- I'M AFRAID SHE CAN'T BE KILLED.

TO EXES.

MAY THEY ALWAYS STAY THAT WAY.

TAMMY IS A MEAN PERSON.

- COME ON, RON. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.

- SHE'S A GRADE-A BITCH.

- THERE WE GO.

- EVERY TIME SHE LAUGHS AN ANGEL DIES.

EVEN TELEMARKETERS AVOID HER.

HER BIRTH WAS PAYBACK FOR THE SINS OF MAN.

BUT YOU KNOW THE WORST THING ABOUT HER?

- SHE WORKS FOR THE LIBRARY.

- SHE WORKS FOR THE LIBRARY.