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1 Max: No, no, no, no no!

Oh, boy, I've heard that before. What did you do? Ask him to marry you?

No, I just asked him if I could go to Atlantic City with some guys.

Oh, you know, honey, he's probably relating

to when he was your age and wild and crazy...

Oh, no, that can't be.

You don't know how to work your father like I do.

No, I don't look as good in a halter top as you do.

Fran looked absolutely breathtaking in her wedding gown, didn't she?

Yeah.

Are you guys busy?

Nanny Fine, I am preparing Maxwell for a live TV interview.

He doesn't have any time for your mindless drivel.

Don't you look radiant this morning.

Well, maybe because you were so electrifying last night.

( Coughs ) When did you start smoking again?

Somewhere between "I" and "do."

Maxwell, I want to talk to you about Brighton

going to Atlantic City this weekend.

Now, darling, Brighton and I have discussed this at length.

He knows exactly how I feel about it, and I'd adamant.

Well, I think that... is adamant good or bad?

Bad.

Well, I think that we should reopen the discussion.

There is nothing left to discuss. I have made up my mind.

He's not going. Case closed.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause a problem between you and dad.

But I don't know if you saw the way he blew you off like that.

It seems to me he doesn't respect you or your opinion.

Look, I know what you're doing and it's not going to work.

Playing one parent against the other is the oldest trick in the book.

How could you not respect me or my opinion?

What are you talking about? Of course I respect your opinion, don't I?

Absolutely, sir.

Maybe, when I happen to agree with you, right, Niles?

Absolutely, madam.

And when does her opinion agree with mine?

Never, sir?

And when has he ever even asked me my opinion?

Never, ma'am?

Niles, would you just stop being so wishy-washy?

Yeah, would you say what you really think?

I can't. You sign my checks, you keep my secrets.

You hired me first, but you'll probably live longer.

How can I pick an answer that will be most beneficial to Niles?

I knew a little girl when I was growing up

and her parents didn't let her go away with her friends.

And do you know what she ended up doing? Shoplifting.

- What happened to her? - She married you.

Well, you see how marvelously it turned out for her.

I'm his father. I know what's best for him.

- And what am I? - You're the nanny.

( Gasps )

You called me the N word.

Did you hear that, Niles?

Niles: Do you get the house in the settlement?

- Uh-huh. - Every word of it.

♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ Till her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ What was she to do, where was she to go, she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ She was there to sell makeup but the father saw more ♪

♪ She had style, she had flair, she was there, that's how she became the Nanny ♪

♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we described ♪

♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ Now, the father finds her beguiling ♪

♪ Watch out, C.C. ♪

♪ And the kids are actually smiling such joie de vivre ♪

♪ She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ The flashy girl from Flushing, the Nanny named Fran ♪

I hate Theme Day at the home,

and why do they always have to pick Hawaii?

Well, maybe it's so everybody can wear their regular clothes.

Yetta, I wanted to talk to you. Me and Max had a fight and...

Oh, you better start drinking some more milk.

You're getting a real humpback here.

No, I put my brassiere on backwards.

It's easier to hook it in the front.

So I'm thinking maybe I came to the wrong place for advice.

So why are you here?

Well, I wanted to talk to you, because I knew ma would have a conniption if she knew

that me and Maxwell already had a fight.

Oh, my God!

What did you do to my son?

Ma, what are you doing here?

I've never been to Hawaii.

You should go back and beg forgiveness.

Why do you always take his side?

You're right. At your age, with your background,

there are plenty of millionaire producers.

All right, I get the point.

Meanwhile, I want him to start thinking of me

as his equal, not as his nanny.

Whatever turns him on.

Your father used to like me to dress up like a French maid.

With grandpa, it was Heidi.

He'd put his hair in little braids.

I'd put on the long beard.

Well, I'm beginning to see the future and it ain't pretty.

Oh, Ma, what am I going to do? I mean,

I want Maxwell to stop thinking

of me as his nanny and start thinking of me as his wife.

Well, act like his wife.

If you don't get what you want, deny him his...

Woo-wee.

Ma, I'm a grown woman. You can say the real word.

And I'm not going to deny him the bing-bing.

Your mother's right.

I've been holding out on your grandfather for the past 25 years.

But he's been dead for 26.

Don't judge me.

( Thinking ) All right, I'm going to give this holding out thing a shot.

I figure in 20 minutes, he'll say, "I'm sorry, and be begging for bing-bing."

The man is going to want me so much when I deny him

he's going to go crazy.

Hello, darling. I've been thinking about this afternoon,

and I... I really do think I made the right decision about not letting Brighton go.

( Thinking ) Oh, you do, do you?

Well, you haven't seen this pose.

Well, honey, if that's the way you feel, that's the way you feel.

( Thinking ) Oh, here he comes. No, no, no.

Oy, does he smell delicious.

Well, I'm glad you understand how I feel, sweetheart.

Isn't it wonderful how we're communicating as a married couple?

( Thinking ) What did he say?

Oh, who cares. Oh, is that a tushy.

- Don't you think so? - Yeah.

So, how was your day at Yetta's?

How much can a woman take?

Max: I know those homes can be a little depressing,

but, you know, Yetta forgets she's there,

so every day is like a new adventure for her.

Well, I got an early start tomorrow.

( Thinking ) And here comes the robe.

Good night, sweetheart.

( Thinking ) Oh, God, I can't take it anymore.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, Harry Winston earrings.

I see denying your husband worked out beautifully.

Oh, Ma, of all the times that I ignored your advice,

this was the best time I ever had.

What do you mean you didn't take my advice?

Why couldn't you hold out like I do?

Because my husband looks like James Bond

and your husband looks like James Coco.

James Coco? I wish.

I've got to go now.

I've got a very important thing to take care of before dinner.

- What? - Lunch.

I thought you were gonna go with Maxwell to "Entertainment Tonight."

Oh, you know how he gets. He said, "Darling, you know I want you by my side",

but I'd just be so nervous knowing someone I loved was watching me so closely."

I know, I was standing next to you. He was talking to me.

"Where the heck are my manila envelopes?" That was to you.

Oh, look, he's on, he's on. He really wanted me to be by his side,

but he said he'd be too nervous having me watching him so closely.

- He was talking to me. - He was talking to me.

Now, let's get this straight. Wife. Butler. Manila envelope getter.

Shh! He's on.

Oh, he looks good! In control, no nervous laughter...

( nervous laughter )

It's great to have you here, Maxwell.

Oh, thanks, Bob.

We're going to get to your new show in just a second,

but I understand that congratulations are in order.

( nervous laughter )

You're laughing. What?

Oh, am I?

Well, yeah. Anyway, congratulations

to you and the new Mrs. Sheffield. It's great.

Uh, who? Oh, oh, my nanny.

What, you married your nanny?

No, no, no, she's not my nanny. She used to be my nanny.

Well, what does she do now?

Same thing she did when she was my nanny. Nothing.

Oh, no, I mean, not my wife. My nanny did nothing.

My wife is hopefully not seeing this.

Oh, you poor woman.

For a husband to treat his wife that way...

You see that is why I never got married.

Yeah, that's why.

- Hi, Val. - Oh, Fran.

I saw "ET" last night. I am so sorry, but don't worry.

I got the perfect solution.

Oh, no, it's okay. We made up last night, and he was just nervous.

- It was a slip of the tongue. - Is that a new necklace?

Yeah. Matches the earrings.

( Gasps )

I think Maxwell is beginning to realize

that he cannot afford to keep making these mistakes.

Well, what was your solution?

Well, I've been thinking about it,

and he's always going to see you as the nanny until...

Until what?

Well, that's as far as I thought it out.

How about until I hire another nanny?

Sure. Easy after I gave you the first part.

Now, I've already hired one for your information,

and it wasn't easy either finding a woman that's great with the kids like I am

and gets along with Maxwell.

'Cause, while he's working at the house, he's gonna see a lot of her.

Good morning, Mrs. Sheffield.

Good morning, Nanny Bower. Would you like a biscuit?

Oh, no. That would not be proper etiquette,

for the nanny to sit down and eat with her employers.

Guess I cut nanny college that day.

If you don't mind I think that I will just go and pick up Grace from ballet

and take Brighton to the dentist.

When are you going to do your nails and your hair and go shopping at Loehmann's?

I do all that on my day off, ma'am.

- Day off? Oh, that's novel. - I never thought of that.

Well, I guess I am a lady of leisure, Val.

Now I've just got to figure out what a lady of leisure does.

Yeah.

Oh, Niles, tell me, what did the first Mrs. Sheffield

do with all of her free time?

Well, she loved to do her own dusting, cleaning, and vacuuming.

All right, she spent a lot of time at a country club.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

Say, I wonder if they've got a water slide.

Gee, I'm beginning to think that I'm the first brunette

that's ever been allowed in this club.

So you're not enjoying your first day here?

Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a little turned off.

I mean, no one's playing Marco Polo in the pool.

Went to the clubhouse, no comedian.

You'd think at a place like this

they'd have at least one Pac-Man machine in the lobby.

What do people do around here?

Well, when in Rome, can I have a mochaccino blended with Equal, please?

Make it a venti.

( classical music playing )

Fran! Dad, have you seen Fran?

Oh, now, Grace. You can't go on running off

to Fran for every little thing.

She's no longer the nanny, you know? She's my wife now.

Wow. One night on the couch sure whipped you into shape.

I did not spend the night on the couch. Fran and I made up.

Now, why don't you let me help you with your problem, hmm?

Well, Dad, um,

all my friends are already on their cycles.

Why aren't I?

You see? We didn't have to bother Fran with that.

I'll buy you a bicycle.

Dad, I'm talking about my period.

Fran, darling? Fran?

Mrs. Sheffield is at the club, sir. Is there something I can do for you?

Oh, no. No, thank you.

You know, sir, nobody seems to need me for anything around here.

I mean, if you don't mind my asking, what did the last nanny do?

Well, she... she would, ah...

Niles...

Well, in addition to tending to the children,

her duties were dusting, cleaning, vacuuming...

Oh, no, I am onto you.

Your daughter, C.C., warned me about your shenanigans.

Well, actually, besides taking care of the children,

I suppose the nanny would make sure the tie that she picked out for me

matched the shoes she had picked out for me.

Then she'd make reservations for dinner

for myself and... her.

And then sometimes, when I was working late at night,

she'd come in here to the office, jump up on my desk,

cross her legs in a most enticing manner.

Well, I...

Wait, No, no, no! No! Not necessary!

Hated that, didn't care for it at all. No.

You know, it's really none of my business,

but it sounds to me like she was more of a wife than a nanny.

Well, that's why I married her.

Oh? I was under the impression that your nanny was a nightmare.

- Who the heck told you that? - Your first wife, C.C.

- Oh, hi, honey. - Thank God you're home.

I went up to dad and I was completely honest with him

and told him I wanted to spend the night over at my boyfriend's house,

and he said no.

You were completely honest? With your father?

Oh, honey, one day I'm gone and already this whole place is falling apart.

Fran, I mean, I'm 20 years old.

I mean, doesn't dad know that... you know.

I'm active?

You're doing the bing-bing?

Honey, you know, I love that you feel so comfortable

that you want to be totally honest with me,

so let me be totally honest with you.

Get upstairs! What, are you crazy?

And you're never leaving the house again!

- Oh, darling, you're back. - Sweetie!

How was your day as a lady of leisure?

You know. No good.

Oh, I'm sorry. If you didn't enjoy yourself, you don't have to go back there.

Oh, good. 'Cause we're not allowed there anymore.

Darling, as a matter of fact, I was going to

come down to the club and bring you home.

- Grace has a little problem. - Oh?

It seems that she's the only one of her classmates whose

"friend" hasn't visited her.

Oh, honey, you're so archaic.

I learned that at the club.

Anyway, don't worry.

I'll talk to her and I'll simply explain to her

that the longer her friend takes to visit,

the happier we'll all be.

Who ate the last Nutter Butter? And why don't we have any backup?

Oh.

Well, welcome to hell, honey.

I'm glad you're home.

Oh, you and me both, sweetie. You know,

I'm not cut out to be one of those fancy wives

whose nanny knows their kids better than they do.

I want to be the nanny.

Well, I want you to be the nanny. That's who I fell in love with.

That's who's raised my kids so beautifully.

And that's who I wanted to marry me.

Oh, what a sweet thing to say. I love you.

I love you, my darling.

Oh, good, you guys made up.

I got to tell you, I was torturing myself.

I mean, I'm upstairs, I'm beginning to think this entire thing was all my fault,

but yet, here you are, trying to raise me as a very mature...

You're still not going to Atlantic City.

Yeah, well. Okay. Yeah.

See, darling? We are both equals. He hates us both.

I think that I could be very happy being the nanny and your wife.

What do you say I take the two of you upstairs?

Oh, Mr. Sheffield!

You're embarrassing me.

Which one do you want to be wearing this?

Could you just excuse me for one moment, please?

The agency sent another nanny over.

Well, just tell her that we're not replacing Nanny Bowers.

Please, couldn't we just hire her for the day?

The cast of "All my Children" is signing pictures at the Paramus Mall.

Niles. Erica Kane coming?

Mm-hmm.

I guess we're hiring a new nanny.

Hi.

I'm sorry, but the position has already been filled.

Thank you very much.

Are you out of your mind?

( Jazz music playing )