Original subtitles

♪ It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♪

♪ everywhere you go ♪

♪ take a look in the five and ten ♪

♪ glistenin' once again ♪

♪ with candy canes and silver lanes aglow ♪

♪ it's beginnin' to look a lot like Christmas I

♪ toys in every store ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ but the prettiest sight to see ♪

♪ is the Holly that will be I

♪ on your own front door ♪

♪ a pair of hop along boots and a pistol that shoots ♪

♪ is the wish of Barney and Ben ♪

♪ dolls that will talk and will go for a walk ♪

♪ is the hope of Janice and Jen ♪

♪ and mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again ♪

♪ it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♪

♪ everywhere you go ♪

♪ there's a tree in the grand hotel ♪

♪ one in the park as well ♪

♪ the sturdy kind that doesn't mind the snow ♪

♪ it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♪

♪ soon the bells will start ♪

♪ ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ and the thing that'll make them ring ♪

♪ is the Carol that you sing ♪

♪ right within your heart ♪

♪ it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas ♪

♪ toys in every store ♪

♪ but the prettiest sight to see ♪

♪ is the Holly that will be ♪

♪ on your own front door ♪

♪ sure, it's Christmas once more ♪

I come tonight to warn you that you will be visited by three spirits.

What?

Was that the chance of hope that you mentioned, Jacob?

It was.

And you have yet the chance and hope of escaping my fate!

A chance and hope of my procuring, Ebenezer.

Thank you, Jacob.

Expect the first when the bell tolls one.

Shut up, Beth!

I don't care who started it, Max!

Ben Kuklinski started it and everybody knows it.

You even have the whole thing on video!

And you're gonna write an apology to the rest of your class

- for ruining the recital. - What were you thinking, Max?

That kid was twice your size!

Yeah, but Ben Kuklinski is always ragging on Christmas.

He even told the first graders that Santa

was just a cheap marketing ploy invented to sell Pepsi.

- Coke. - You know what I mean.

But not why you care.

Well, someone's gotta.

Here, let me see.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Eh, it's not so bad. Just keep icing it.

And was drop-kicking him into the manger

really the best way to handle this?

Okay, that was not my fault, I was under the influence.

All I had to eat was Christmas fudge and candy canes!

Well, I hate to sound harsh,

but every kid has to learn the truth someday.

Oh, I know, I just...

I didn't want it ruined.

For the little kids.

But is this a war on Christmas,

a war on over-political correctness, or...

- Looks great, mom. - A bunch of people who are just

way too easily offended?

Don't work too hard, though,

Sarah bought a bunch of cookies at the store.

It's Roger.

Thought you said you weren't working over Christmas?

I said no traveling over Christmas,

I still have to take a few calls.

Hey, Roger, what's up?

Wait, guys, aren't we still gonna watch Charlie brown

and wrap Christmas presents like always?

You know what, after what you pulled, you can do that alone, and quick!

Your cousins get here any minute.

Yeah, Roger.

Oh, it's a Christmas cluster-eff over here.

Beth, help me hang this.

Wait, mom, aren't we gonna watch Charlie brown?

I started, but...

I don't know what to ask for this year.

- Come here? - Because they are

our family, Beth!

- And it's only for a few days. - Well, I'm not sharing my room

with girls who pee standing up!

Last year I found shit in my bed, mom.

Human shit!

For the last time, that was their dog!

"They're why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed!"

Your words, mom, not mine!

I never said that!

I said maybe they should have to take a test

before they're allowed to breed.

Thanks, Omi.

Omi?

Do you still really believe in Santa?

What do you mean?

♪ oh come let us adore him ♪

Yeah, my cousins are crawling outta the shallow end

of the gene pool, so everyone's a little on edge.

Your mom popping Xanax again?

Like candy.

Tonight we're making a Japanese snowflake tree or some crap.

Takes a lotta work to make our family

look more awesome than it actually is, you know?

I like snowflakes, but I like my plan a lot better.

Very enticing,

but I think I'm stuck here.

Come on, people have escaped from Alcatraz before,

and I'm only four blocks away!

What?

What's wrong?

Everything.

Oh, crap.

Oh, crap.

Will you two knock it off?

Howie, stop ringing the doorbell!

- Well, carry something! - Howie, cut it out!

Okay, it's Christmas.

It's Christmas.

It's Christmas.

- Merry Christmas! - Hey, sis, Merry Christmas.

Oh, gosh, I'm so glad you guys could make it!

Oh, you have no idea!

Accidents all over the freeways

and nothing but crazy talk radio for six hours.

- Hey! - We brought you a little taste of home,

- though, didn't we? - Oh, wow!

Thank you, it looks... wow!

- You're welcome. - Come on, Linda, move it, move it!

We don't have to keep the traffic jam going now.

- Howard, let me help you... - Oh no, get...

- It's all right, Tom. - Thanks, Tommy.

- Sorry about that. - You give the Butler the night off,

- did you? - Ha ha, yeah.

Yeah, we, uh, brought Rosie.

You don't have a cat, do you?

It's fine, it's fine, right? It's fine.

Merry Christmas, girls! Come on in!

Don't you look cute in your matching jackets?

They're just a little cranky 'cause the steelers lost, so...

Uh, Jordan, Stevie, why don't you tell your aunt Sarah

about your presidential fitness award, huh?

- It's a good story. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Hey, Howie.

So what'd you ask Santa for this year?

- They're really nice. - They did look pretty good.

- It looks bigger in here. - Um, toy car?

Look what Max has got in his pocket. A letter to Santa.

Video games?

Phone?

Dialysis?

- That long drive. - Thank you. Thank you, guys.

Where do you want this stuff, Tom, just anywhere?

Yeah, uh...

Christ on a stick, would it kill you to shove! Your walk?

I could've broken a hip out there!

Surprise!

Please don't be mad.

Oh, aunt Dorothy, it's so great to see you.

Yeah, well, your sister's no Mother Teresa,

but at least she swings by every once in a while

to make sure that I'm not dead.

So where's the nog?

I need to get merry!

Uh, it... it's in the kitchen. Help yourself.

- Oh, Tom, let me take that. - Oh, hey! That's okay, that's okay.

Lord almighty.

Looks like Martha Stewart threw up in here.

- We left the door open... - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

- We're such a mess, honestly. - Gosh!

- Six hours, I mean, come on! - Uh...

Sorry, wasn't there another...?

Child?

Chrissy! Darn it!

Jordan, I told you to bring her inside!

- Not my kid. - Come on, girls!

- Tommy, help me get the baby... - Yeah.

And the rest of the girl crap out of the truck.

Do you mind? Thank you.

All right, let's make some memories, huh?

Thank you, honey! Thank you! Oh, my goodness.

A holiday roast is a surprise.

Haemorrhoids are a surprise.

She is a goddamn nightmare! What were you thinking?

Come on, she's not that bad!

- Oh! - She's not!

Besides, she tricked me, okay?

I thought we were just dropping off gifts and she came to the door with a suitcase.

What was I supposed to do, tell her she has to spend Christmas by herself?

No, but at least you could've warned me

when one of your mistakes is gonna become my problem.

You think everything I do is a mistake.

Sorry, look out!

Look out!

- Hey, honey. - Ooh, oh!

I think this warhead's armed.

Wow, you're so stinky!

Okay, I'm gonna go change her.

Let's go this way.

Just set that up wherever you want, t.

The whole truck smells like shit.

So what's for dinner?

That's my boy!

That's my boy!

It sure is.

I'm gettin' Howie Jr. into game shape.

By the time he gets to high school,

he's gonna be the biggest lineman in the state.

Did you ever spend any time on the field, Tommy?

No, actually, I didn't have time in my younger years,

I was in training mostly.

What were you training for?

Uh. Army?

Marines?

It was the eagle scouts.

Eagle scouts.

Now eagle scouts, kids, that's where you weave baskets

and help little old ladies across the street.

- Am I right? - No, no.

No, no, no, no, it was actually quite a bit of survival training.

“So“ -well, the only survival training I need

is my ol' smoke pole and that big, fat box of buckshot

that I keep out in that truck.

A Shepherd has gotta protect his flock.

Honey, we said no gun talk at the dinner table.

This family needs a little gun talk,

whether it's at the dinner table or anywhere else.

- Wow! - Know what I'm saying?

Looks like Chrissy's really enjoying my gravlax.

Careful, kids, remember that your aunt Sarah

likes everything to be clean and perfect,

and that's why she makes so much food

that you can't pronounce!

Well, I just thought you guys might like a break

from macaroni and cheese with hot dogs.

- Yeah, okay. - Well, you were wrong.

And who doesn't make a ham at Christmas?

What are you now, a Jew?

Maybe it's time for dessert, hmm?

- It's delicious, honey. - It's a little dry.

Okay, well, mine's delicious!

Well, I guess I should've gotten your bird.

You can just say something nice.

I'll say it when she gets back, if dessert's good.

Well, if you could just do me a favor.

- Tell him about Santa. - Just say something nice

- about dessert. - Hey, maxi-pad.

You hear what happened to Santa?

No, Stevie, what happened to Santa?

Heard it on the news.

His sleigh crashed in the rockies.

Shattered both his legs.

Frostbite took care of his pain, but not his hunger.

So, to survive, he had to slaughter and eat his reindeer.

Including Rudolph.

Ate tiny reindeer, get it?

Knock it off!

Don't start anything.

Hey, guys, take it easy.

They're just playin', Tommy.

Macaroni and cheese and hot dogs.

Oh, Jesus!

So what kind of godforsaken concoction

are you whippin' up now?

You know how this fancy food clogs my pipes.

Well, how about we go to your trailer

for Christmas next year, hmm?

And after you've spent weeks

decorating and cooking and cleaning,

I might just waddle in and start bitching and moaning

about everything you've worked so hard on!

Oh, Sarah, you know...

No, aunt Dorothy, please!

For your sake, just...

Stay the fuck outta my kitchen!

You know, reindeer are actually a sustainable food source

in the northern territories and Alaska, Canada.

This time of year we refer to reindeer

as a transportation system for Santa claus.

- Most people... - We know you still believe

in the big, fat creeper.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You sure about that?

- Max, stop! - Flying through the sky...

"Dear Santa,

I know I haven't been great this year,

and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping

you could help out me and my family this Christmas.

We need you."

Oh, maxi-pad, that's so sweet.

- Give it back! - Stop, Max!

Blah, blah, blah, bullshit, bullshit.

Ah, here we go, maxi's wish list.

- Stevie, stop, that's enough! - Wait, you're up first, Beth.

"I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to.

You might have noticed that I don't have tons of friends."

Oh, no, really, Max?

"I wish my mom and dad could fall in love again.

I know they get upset a lot,

with dad away from home so much.

I think they really just miss each other."

"Also, I wish things weren't so hard

for uncle Howard and aunt Linda."

"So maybe you can lend them a hand the rest of the year too.

And...

And that..."

Screw you, dad does not wish we were boys!

Okay, who wants Crème brûlée?

Give me the letter!

- Give me it back! - Hey, Max!

Hey, hey, hey!

Hey!

Girls!

Hey!

- Hey! - Hey!

- Up up! - Come on, Howard.

- Stevie, Jordan! - Come on!

All right, all right, that's enough!

- Now are you okay, honey? - That's enough.

I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it!

I hate Christmas!

- I hate all of you! - Max.

Max!

Oh, lay off of him.

Kid deserves a prize just for tellin' the truth.

- Can I come in? - No.

You know, they're leaving right after Christmas,

so we only have to survive another three days.

I don't get it.

Every year it gets worse!

Why do we have to put up with their crap just 'cause we share DNA?

Because that's what a family is, Max.

People you try to be friends with

even though you don't have a whole lot in common.

- But why? - Because...

Okay, you kinda got me there.

Or maybe it makes us work a little harder

to find what we do have in common, you know?

Put everything aside, think of other people for a change.

Friends, family,

even the assholes you normally can't stand.

Like uncle Howard?

Didn't wanna name names.

Dad, do you really believe in all that?

I want to, Max.

But, hey,

bet there's still time to drop that letter in the mailbox, huh?

Don't you find it the least bit strange?

I mean, they can see dust specks on Mars,

but no one noticed a giant blizzard hurtling towards us!

Well, as soon as the power's back,

you can write an angry e-mail

to the national weather service, but, in the meantime,

let's just try and stay calm.

Mom, there's something weird outside.

I am calm, I would just be calmer

if I knew how we were gonna survive Christmas

with 12 people stuck in a house

with no hot water, no heat, and no electricity!

Or food.

Well, there's plenty of leftovers, Howard.

Beer it is!

Phone's dead too.

- Mom! - What, Max?

There's a snowman in our yard.

See?

That's...

That's great, Max.

- But who built it? - You can barely see across the street,

but it doesn't look like it's just us.

I can walk over, check with the turners.

The turners are in Hawaii.

The lamberts are in Florida

and the Cartwrights stopped talking to us

after Max's noodle incident.

After his what?

Max, please go and get Omi out of the fireplace

before she burns the whole house down.

I'll get it!

Fine!

Seriously, what are we gonna do?

- Merry Christmas. - Whoa!

- Sign here. - Yeah!

Wow!

Honey, stuff to carry!

Some weather, huh?

Yeah, it's a ghost town out there.

Roads are a nightmare.

Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, these, too?

Uh, not mine.

Uh, must be from the boys in brown.

- All right. - Merry Christmas.

Yeah, you, too.

- Ah, what is it? - Hey, look at this, huh?

They got more stuff.

Man, how come rich people get all the free shit?

I don't know, honey.

Democrats, probably.

Oh, my god!

Who needs this much cheese?

It's one singular moment.

- You're saying I do it all... - You guys, I've texted Derek

like nine times and he still hasn't written back.

That is not normal!

It's the blizzard, honey, nothing's working right now.

Then can I walk over and check on him?

It's only a few blocks.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Well, I could see if anyone else has power on the way.

You know, you kids don't have a damn bit of Patience.

When I was your age, I didn't hear from my boyfriend

for two years while he was off fightin' Charlie.

She'll be fine.

Okay. One hour.

But when you get back, I want you to spend

some girl time with Jordan and Stevie,

- got it? - Ow, ow, ow!

You call that a reversal?

Come on, jordy, plant your feet! Plant your feet!

- All right, here we go. - Right.

- Again, again! - You know what I mean.

- Thanks. - Get off me!

Be careful, okay?

Okay, back later!

Love you.

One hour!

Okay!

Max, I told you to get omi out of...

She says hot chocolate makes everything better.

Oh my god.

Please!

Somebody help me!

Please!

Get anything?

It's the weirdest thing.

There's no cars, no people, not even a salt truck.

Don't suppose you got me a backup generator

for Christmas, did you?

Yeah, it's under the tree,

next to your ties and underwear.

Good.

It's getting late.

Beth should be home by now.

She's fine, she's at Derek's.

All the more reason to worry.

Hey, hon, relax.

Just for once, okay?

How's everybody else doing?

You know, cranky, bored,

sick of the snow, and each other.

'Tis the season.

Oh, god, I miss us.

Me too.

Mom? Dad?

It's already dark out and Beth isn't back yet.

I'll tell you what.

If I was a bum freezin' on the street right now,

I'd just... End it.

- Christ, aunt Dorothy! - What?

Even on a nice day you wonder why they bother.

Hey, Howard?

Do you think your Hummer could get through this mess?

Lucinda?

I could point her due east, hit the gas,

and she'd be stormin' the beaches at normandy by sunrise.

- What's on your mind, t? - Well, it, it's Beth.

She went to her boyfriend's earlier

and she hasn't come back yet.

See? Let 'em out of your sight for one second

and, boom, shotgun wedding!

Aunt Dorothy, please.

Well, you oughta know.

Look, it's probably nothing,

but I thought we'd go pick her up,

take a quick swing around town,

see what's goin' on out there.

A little recon mission, huh?

Thought you'd never ask!

Okay.

- Go to mama. - Yep.

- All righty. - Thomas.

Thomas.

What? Why?

What the hell is she so riled up about?

She says not to go.

That it's too dangerous and that we should wait until the storm's over.

- Tom... - No, I got this.

Hey, mom, we have to go pick up Beth,

but Max and Sarah will take care of you while I'm gone, okay?

Mom, hey, mom, listen.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Global warming, my ass!

Must be negative 20 out here.

This just doesn't make any sense.

You try am?

Yeah, I tried everything.

The storm probably knocked out the radio stations too.

I guess so.

- Oh! - Weather service...

Here we go.

A blizzard warning for the entire central Ohio area,

including Franklin county, Delaware county,

Ramona falls, and Warren valley.

With temperatures reaching minus 20 degrees,

residents are urged to avoid travel

and seek shelter immediately.

Amen to that!

This has been a recording.

What I wouldn't give for a little bing Crosby

right about now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, slow down. What is that?

Is that a snowplow?

Hello?

Christ!

Poor bastard must've sailed clear through.

Looks more like the opposite.

What do you mean?

The glass is punched in.

We gotta find Beth.

You packed guns on Christmas.

Always be prepared, boy scout!

It's kinda heavy.

It's Linda's.

Oh, my gosh!

You had mom's angel this whole time?

Yeah, I thought you knew.

Remember how we used to fight over who got to place her?

Yeah, and you fought dirty.

I think I still have the scars.

Where do you think my girls get it from?

Wow.

You saved everything.

I figured that's what mom would've done, you know?

You always do everything right.

I'm just really good at making it look like I do.

Most days I wake up with one hand on the panic button.

Come on!

I mean, you've got everything!

I mean, your house looks like one big SkyMall catalog.

Yeah, but with Tom traveling and, uh,

Max always holed up in his room

doing whatever it is boys do,

and Beth spending all her time with Derek...

I mean, things can get a little, I don't know,

quiet.

I'm sorry, it's just...

The grass is always greener, you know?

I mean, I'm three years younger

and I've managed to squeeze out twice as many kids.

Oh, yeah, do that math, right?

Hm, I know.

You guys always seem so...

Happy, like you could care less what anyone else thinks.

Are you jealous?

- No, no! - You're jealous!

No, I only...

It's just nice to have you around,

Omi, try not to use up all the firewood, okay?

We need to make it last.

Mom?

Probably just squirrels.

In this weather?

See?

- Squirrels. - Right.

Probably playing with their nuts.

Beth?

Derek?

- Beth! - Quiet, Tommy!

I don't like this.

Whoever did this is a demented son of a bitch.

Don't worry, we'll find her, buddy.

Looks like a gas line blew.

What's that?

I've hunted a lotta game in my day.

Those are hooves, big ones too.

Could be an elk or a goat.

What kinda goat walks on its hind legs?

- Beth! - Help me!

Beth!

Help!

- Beth! - Help!

- Help! - Beth!

Tommy!

Wait up!

Howard!

Oh my god!

Hold on, Howard!

- Help! - Oh my god!

Tom, help me!

Tommy!

Tom, something's biting me!

Don't let go!

Tommy?

Let's go!

What was that thing?

I don't know, but we have to move!

- Oh my god! - Oh!

Lucinda!

Where do you think you're going?

- To find them, I don't like this! - What are you talking about?

Tom and Howard know what they're doing, they're fine!

- Are they? - Mom?

Honey, I'll be right back, I promise.

Just lock the door...

- Oh god! - Max, get the first aid kit!

- Close the door! - Sarah, lock the door!

Girls! Make some room for your dad!

Oh my god!

- Where's Beth? - We heard gunshots!

I'll explain everything, but right now everybody just needs

to stay calm and stay inside!

Get away from the windows!

Swords, guns, knives, pots, pans!

- Get whatever you can! - Howard!

- What? - Not here.

Jiminy Christmas, what happened out there?

Nothin', it's just a scratch.

Oh my god, it looks like something bit you!

Nope!

Probably a bear trap under the snow or something.

We don't have bears here.

Okay, um...

Kids, why don't you go into the kitchen and get something to eat now, okay?

Oh, come on, you just don't wanna tell us what's really going on here!

Everybody, in the kitchen right now, Max!

- Okay, right now! - Come on, let's go. Girls, come on.

It's okay.

Aunt Dorothy, will you keep an eye on them?

Why me?

I never liked kids, even when I was one!

Please.

Oh, all right.

All right!

Come on, guys, I'm gonna teach you

how to make peppermint schnapps.

Mom.

Mom, will you please go into the kitchen and help with the kids?

- Oh! - Come here, baby.

See, a little sugar and a little spice...

Makes everything nice!

All right, but don't you rat me out.

But who or what did all this?

Your guess is as good as mine.

First I thought it was a gang thing...

But between this and all the crazy stuff we saw out there,

it just doesn't add up.

It could be terrorists, right?

Yeah, terrorists.

They traded in their suicide vests for rabid snow dogs?

Tommy, ah!

- Tom, god! - Sorry, sorry.

And, um,

okay, she wasn't at Derek's,

but that doesn't mean anything.

- She may have found somewhere safe. - So she's still out there.

Yes, and we will find her, I promise,

but I had to make sure you guys were safe.

- I had to get Howard... - I don't care how long it takes, Tom,

we have to keep looking. We have to pair up and take turns...

- Yes... - We can't go back out there!

You see this?

It's damn near frostbite in under four minutes!

Honey, keep your voice down.

Besides it being sub-zero out there,

someone's tearing through your fancy-ass neighborhood

picking everybody off, it's the truth!

Honey, sweetheart, listen, why don't we just leave, right?

We can all pile in the truck and we'll just see as far as we can get

- and... and we pick up Beth... - The truck's gone.

Torn to pieces.

- What? - Yeah, and even if she wasn't,

the streets are totally screwed.

We can't go anywhere. It's too dangerous, you got it?

Howard, how much ammo do you have?

A couple shells still loaded, maybe a dozen in my pocket.

Why?

I think our best bet is to stay put.

Board up all the doors and windows.

And, as soon as the weather breaks, we'll go find her.

I told you we should've gone to my brother's!

Sure, Howard, Christmas on a pig farm!

- Jesus was born in a barn! - Knock it off, you guys!

What about the kids, what are we gonna tell them?

I don't know, the truth?

Sure, which version of it?

- Hey, you guys! - Oh, god.

How much of that did you hear?

Enough.

Mama, did someone take Beth?

- Are they coming for us? - No!

No, babies, no, everything's fine.

Beth's just with her boyfriend, that's all.

And nothing bad's gonna happen on Christmas, right?

You know what, let's have a camp-out, okay?

We'll watch a movie, yeah?

Let's get cozy on the couch. Go get your sister, Stevie.

Come on, baby, come on.

We'll find her, I promise.

"And lo, the angel of the lord came upon them.

And the glory of the lord shone round about them.

And they were so afraid.

And the angel said unto them..."

"'Fear not, for, behold, [Bring you..."'

Won't the battery die?

Gotta die sometime.

Might as well enjoy it while we can.

"A savior,

which is Christ the lord."

Hey.

Beth's a tough girl.

Takes after her mom.

I'm sure she's fine.

Thank you.

Hey, Tommy?

I, um...

I just wanna say thanks for, uh, you know,

saving my ass back there.

Oh, well,

sure, no problem.

And I just wanna say I'm sorry for...

Thinking you're such a spineless dick all these years.

You should get some sleep, pal.

How?

Hm, good point.

Hey, dad?

Are we gonna die?

Hey. No, no, no.

Omi's been acting different.

Ever since the storm.

Yeah, well, you know,

She always gets a little weird around Christmas.

How come?

I don't know, she never wanted to talk about it.

Max, come on.

Time for bed.

It's gonna be fine.

All right.

You know, Linda and I, we butt heads, but...

I can't imagine life without her.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

One of us should probably stay up and keep watch.

That's a good idea. I'll go first.

No, you go ahead and catch some winks with your family.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

A Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.

- Night, Howard. - Good night.

♪ silent night ♪

♪ holy night ♪

♪ all is calm ♪

♪ all is bright ♪

♪ round yon virgin ♪

♪ mother and child ♪

♪ holy infant so tender and mild ♪

♪ sleep in heavenly peace ♪

Mom!

- Howie! - Dad, dad!

Mom!

Hang on, Howie!

Dad!

Sarah, hold on, Sarah!

Mom!

Howie, hold on!

Howie, hold on!

- I got you! - Hold on!

Max, get the fire extinguisher!

Tom, help!

Help me, help me!

Sarah!

I got you!

Pull me down!

I got you!

No' -no!

Hey!

No, Howie!

No, no, no!

Oh my god, oh, my god!

Honey, are you okay? Are you hurt?

Hon?

What UN... holy thing was that?

Howard.

Howard.

- It's my fault. - No.

I... I fell asleep!

And they got our boy. It's all my fault!

Tom, what's she saying?

This is all of our fault?

He's come for us all?

He who?

- Who's he? - I... I don't know.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Please. Listen.

English, I knew it.

I must tell you something.

All of you.

It started with the wind.

On a cold winter night, much like this.

It was almost Christmas,

but this Christmas was darker,

less cheerful.

But I still believed in Santa,

in magic...

And miracles

and the hope that we could find joy again.

But our village had given up,

on miracles...

And on each other.

They had forgotten the spirit of Christmas.

The sacrifice of giving.

And my family was no different.

I tried to help them to believe again,

but we were no longer the loving family I remembered.

They, too, had given up.

And, eventually, so did I.

And, for the first time, I didn't wish for a miracle.

I wished for them to go away.

A wish I would come to regret.

And that night, in the darkness of a howling blizzard,

I got my wish.

I knew Saint Nicholas was not coming this year.

Instead, it was a much darker, more ancient spirit.

The shadow of Saint Nicholas.

It was Krampus.

And as he had for thousands of years,

Krampus came not to reward...

But to punish.

Not to give, but to take.

He and his helpers.

I could only listen as they dragged

my family into the underworld,

knowing that I would be next.

But Krampus didn't take me that night.

He left me as a reminder of what happens when hope is lost,

when belief is forgotten,

and the Christmas spirit dies.

And here I thought I was the one losin' it.

- Howard. - What?

- You believe this senile horseshit? - I don't know.

Evil Santa? Jesus h. Almighty!

She'll be yammerin' about a rabid easter bunny come spring!

Howard, that's enough.

You're damn right it's enough.

Whoever the hell's messing with us

took my boy and your daughter,

and we're sittin' around iistenin' to some twisted bedtime story?

Screw that!

- I'm getting' Howie back. - Hey!

- Daddy, daddy, don't go! - Howard, what are you doing?

Tommy, don't! Don't, Tommy!

- Daddy, don't! - Whoa, whoa!

I'm starting to like you, I am,

but this is my choice.

Howard, what are you doing?

We've got four other kids here to protect.

- Howard. - Baby, please don't do this.

Listen, we can figure something else out, okay? Honey?

This is how I figure things out.

Howard, you don't wanna do this.

Howard!

Howard!

Howie!

Howie!

No, no, no, shut the door! Inside, shut it!

Don't open the door.

Dad?

What are we gonna do now?

We keep the fire hot.

It's from my Halloween stash.

Thanks.

Think you'll be all right for a minute?

- Yeah. - Okay.

Love you.

We need to talk to omi about what's going on.

Omi, can we ask you something?

Hey.

When they took Howie, what did you see up there?

You believe that story, right?

Do you?

I don't know what I believe anymore.

I know I'm going out there to find Beth, I have to.

I... I don't even care if I die trying.

No, listen, let's get Howard and Linda.

I have an idea.

But what if you've been good, like, all year?

And you leave out milk and cookies

and do everything else right?

It's not what you do, it's what you believe,

and what you've given up in here.

But can't we make him go away?

What's she saying?

I'm not sure.

She says we're fucked.

- How'd you... - Because I'm old enough

to know when life is coming at you with his dick out.

Linda?

Can we talk with you and Howard for a minute?

Can it wait?

I just wanna get these rewrapped for the kids.

It's important.

The snowplow?

The keys were in the ignition

and it was beat to hell, but, if it runs,

I drive it back here, then everyone piles in the car

and follows while I clear a path in front of us.

And go where?

The mail doubles as an emergency shelter.

And, if it's empty, we'll try the police station.

And what if they're gone too?

Then we keep driving 'til we see lights or people,

a plowed road, somewhere safe for the kids.

And then we bring help back here.

For Beth and Howie.

You're not thinkin' of going for the plow by yourself, are you?

Well, a Shepherd has gotta protect his flock.

Hey, Stevie?

I think aunt Dorothy clogged up the shitter.

So use the one upstairs.

What, you afraid to go by yourself?

- Well. - Jesus.

Come on.

The plow is only three blocks away.

Three blocks is gonna feel like three miles in this mess.

And what about that thing under the snow?

We hurt it once, we can do it again.

- Hey, Stevie? - Yeah?

Do you think they took Howie

'cause of the time he painted the cats?

I don't know, Jordan.

Do you think he's dead?

I don't know.

Jordan?

Beth, you up there?

Stevie? Jordan?

What are you doing?

Where have you been?

Everyone's freaking out!

Come up here and I'll show you.

I've been waiting for you guys.

Hurry!

Have you told Max yet?

No, not yet.

What? Jordan?

Stevie?

Where are they? Where did they go?

They were just here. I think they went to the bathroom.

And you just let them go?

Was there another option?

Jordan! Stevie!

- Linda! - Jordan!

Listen.

Honey, who was that?

Howard, stay here.

- Omi? - Hmm?

I think all this might be my fault.

- Uncle Howard? - Shh!

Rosie.

Come here, girl.

Useless turd.

All right, wait here.

Jordan?

Okay, okay.

Jordan?

Stevie?

You guys.

The hell is this?

God damn it!

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

It's okay, I got ya.

You're gonna be okay.

Shh!

Oh, come on!

- Oh my god! - What, what?

No!

Oh, my god!

Shoot it, Tom, shoot it!

For god's sake, shoot it!

Linda!

We should've gone to my brother's!

- Where'd it go? - I don't know!

Oh my god!

- Bear! - What?

Bear!

You gotta be kidding me!

Merry Christmas, mother...

There he is! Charge!

Ah, that's a good girl.

Linda!

Stevie? Stevie!

Come here!

Hey! Give me back my kids, you... fudger!

Jordan!

Stevie.

I'm coming, baby!

Stevie, baby.

It's okay, mama's here.

Mama's here. There you go!

Mom, it got Jordan.

It was gonna eat me next!

Thanks, honey.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, are you okay?

Mom!

Max!

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby, it's okay.

Max, are you okay?

- Yeah. - What happened up there?

They got Jordan.

Who?

Mom?

I think it's panicking, trying to get outside.

Well, we boarded everything up.

Howard, that's Jordan.

We gotta get in there, we gotta get in there and get her out.

Linda, what are we dealing with? What did you see up there?

You don't wanna know, sweetheart.

Honey, I just got my ass kicked

by a bunch of Christmas cookies, so trust me when I say I can take it!

Shh, shh, shh!

No, no, no, Max, what are you doing?

Go get 'em, girl!

Get 'em, Rosie.

Rosie?

For god's sake, Howard, shoot it!

- No, no! - Dad!

- Get it off! - Dad!

You bitch!

Dad, no!

Dad!

Omi!

Aunt Dorothy?

- Finish it. - With pleasure!

Aw, shit!

Max!

Mom!

Stay behind me!

Howard, where's Chrissy?

- I don't know! - Where's the baby?

Honey, where's your sister?

- No, Linda, no! - Howard!

Howard, the baby!

See you in hell!

Twisted fairytale horseshit!

Howard, no!

Oh, great!

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Max, get the ammo!

Wait, where did they go?

I'm more worried about when they come back.

We need to make a break for it.

For what, Tom?

The snowplow. It's our only shot.

And then we're going after 'em.

What is going on?

Sarah, what's going on?

Mom, come on, we're leaving.

You're gonna be okay.

Mom, we have to go, now!

It's him.

♪ up on the housetop reindeer pause ♪

♪ out jumps good old Santa Claus ♪

♪ down through the chimney with lots of toys ♪

♪ all for the little one's ♪

- let's go. - ♪ Christmas joys ♪

-♪ ho ho ho ♪ -Max, Max, come, come, come!

Okay, come on.

- Let's tie it up. - Let's do our best.

- Hurry! - Get your gloves on.

Here, put your hood up.

♪ first comes the stocking of little Neil ♪

- okay, ready? - ♪ oh dear Santa ♪

♪ give her a Dolly that laughs and cries ♪

everybody just hold onto each other.

Omi!

Be good.

Omi! Omi!

Omi, no!

Omi!

Mom!

Mom, open the door!

- Mom!

Mom, you open this door now!

The window.

Dad!

She wants to face him!

She's trying to help!

Let's go.

Let's go, let's go, go!

♪ ho ho ho, who wouldn't go ♪

♪ ho ho ho, who wouldn't go ♪

♪ up on the housetop ♪

♪ click, click, click ♪

♪ down through the chimney with good Saint Nick ♪

Keep moving!

Go! Go, get behind me, go!

Go, go, go, keep moving!

Come on, buddy!

Come on!

You have to go. You have to go.

- I need you to go! - No.

All of you, you have to go, do you understand?

Just keep driving! Do you understand?

I love you!

I love you, buddy!

Go, now, go!

Come on!

Come on.

Keep going, keep going!

Oh my god, get in!

I want you to get up in here and I don't want you to move, okay?

You stay here, you don't move!

Mom!

Okay, you understand?

Mom, mom, please!

Sarah! Baby, go with your aunt Sarah.

Sarah, go, go on!

Stevie, sweetheart, it's okay!

- Mom! - It's okay!

Come on.

Sarah!

Stay here, I'll be right back!

Sarah!

Mom, no!

I love you.

Mom!

Mom!

Max, we gotta go.

Max, we gotta go!

Max! Come on!

Come on!

It's not starting, it's not starting!

- Why isn't it starting? Come on! - Come on, Max, please!

I'm trying! I don't even know how to drive a stick!

We have a hybrid!

Come on, please!

Get off of me!

Stevie! Stevie!

I said get off!

Max!

Max!

No, no, no, no!

Max!

Stevie!

He left me as a reminder

of what happens when hope is lost,

when belief is forgotten,

and the Christmas spirit dies.

Help!

Help me, Max!

Max!

Get off of me!

Asshole!

I take back my wish!

I take it all back!

Give me back my family!

Max!

Let her go!

Help, Max!

Please.

I know you can fix this.

Give them back!

Take me instead.

No, what are you doing? I said take me.

- No, take me! - No, no, no!

- No, what are you doing? Take me! - No!

Stevie!

No, let me go! Let me go!

No, no, please!

I'm sorry.

I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be.

Good throw, aunt Sarah!

- You want down? - You may learn a thing or two.

- Thank you, I appreciate that. - Cookie? No, that's your cookie!

Hope this dog didn't keep you guys up, she likes to bark at night.

- She sure does. - Rosie, come here!

- Thanks for making pancakes. - ♪ have yourself ♪

♪ a merry little Christmas ♪

about time you got up, we've been waiting forever!

Oh, hey, there he is! Hey, kiddo,

we thought the sugarplum fairies may have gotten ya!

You're all alive.

- Barely! - ♪ from now own ♪

I haven't felt this hungover since the pope died.

What's up, buddy, you okay?

Yeah, I just...

Just had a bad dream, I guess.

- Aw! - ♪ have yourself ♪

enough with the sappy crap! Let's open up the damn presents.

Okay, okay, already! Come on, Linda, let's do this,

- you wanna help me? - All right.

Okay.

Merry Christmas, Max.

- Girls. - I got two beverages.

♪ as in olden days ♪

Stevie, sweetheart.

- Thanks, mom. - Are you excited?

- Yeah! - Jordan.

You should be.

Oh ho ho ho!

Isn't that fun?

- Hey, maxi-pad! - Training bagging gloves!

What could that possibly be?

Oh, my god!

"Oh, my god," is right!

- That's from me and the girls. - Oh my!

- I had to reattach the foot. - Disgusting!

But, yeah, if you look closely, um,

he did a really good job of reattaching it.

The darn thing, when we came up on it...

- Oh, thank you. - This is great.

Wow!

What's this all about?

It's... it's nothing. Just...

Merry Christmas.

Aw, well, Merry Christmas to you, too, Max.

- Merry Christmas, son. - ♪ have yourself ♪

♪ a merry little Christmas now ♪

- Oh my, I can't... - Right?

I cannot believe this.

This is the best!

Oh, man.

I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be.

That's what a family is, Max.

Nothing bad's gonna happen on Christmas, right?

I just got my ass kicked by a bunch of Christmas cookies,

so trust me when [say I can take it!

"They're why some people shouldn't be allowed to breed!"

Do you think they took Howie 'cause of the time he painted the cats?

And as he had for thousands of years,

Krampus came not to reward,

but to punish.

Not to give,

but to take.

♪ you better watch out ♪

♪ you better not cry ♪

♪ you better not pout, I'm telling you why ♪

-♪ why? ♪ -♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

♪ gather round ♪

♪ he's making a list ♪

♪ and checking it twice ♪

♪ he's gonna find out who's naughty and nice ♪

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

♪ he sees you when you're sleeping ♪

♪ he knows when you're awake ♪

♪ he knows if you've been bad or good ♪

♪ so be good for goodness sake ♪

♪ you better watch out ♪

♪ you better not cry ♪

♪ you better not pout, I'm telling you why ♪

♪ Santa Claus is coming to town ♪

♪ children take care, please be aware ♪

♪ all that you've done will come to bear ♪

♪ have you been good? Behaved as you should? ♪

♪ those who have not, it's understood ♪

♪ Krampus will come looking for some ♪

♪ you are not safe, best that you run ♪

♪ you're on his list, not what you wished ♪

♪ this Christmas you will be missed ♪

♪ there is someone watching over ♪

♪ all that you have done this year ♪

♪ every little boy and girl please listen ♪

♪ keep Christmas spirit alive ♪

♪ if you believe, given reprieve ♪

♪ don't lose your faith next Christmas Eve ♪

♪ Christmas is real, show how you feel ♪

♪ if you forget, your fate is sealed ♪

♪ as you grow old, you have been told ♪

♪ stay warm of heart, keep out the cold ♪

♪ now that you know, reap what you sow ♪

♪ you have been warned, you have been warned ♪

♪ all of you naughty children ♪

♪ best prepare for some yuletide fear ♪

♪ this will be a very scary Christmas ♪

♪ if he finds you on his list ♪

♪ this will be a very scary Christmas ♪

♪ quiet now I think he's here ♪