Original subtitles

Okay, Morty, you're set?

Alright, settle down, people, please.

Please.

Okay, let's make one.

Roll it.

Lewis tater test, take one.

Alright, tater, come in.

Come in!

You didn't say action.

God.

Alright, I'll say action.

Action!

Walk over to Bernie.

Draw, Feebers.

Get up, Bernie.

Bang, bang.

Okay, now, Lewis, put the guns back

and walk forward to the chalk Mark.

Okay, now, walk... watch the chalk Mark.

That's right.

Look right into the lens.

Now take your hat off, tater.

Okay, now turn to the right.

Now turn to the left.

Now very slowly put the hat back on.

Alright, now turn to us.

Give me a real rugged gunfighter smile.

Cut.

Print it.

"The kid whirled and shot"...

Fired.

Whirled and fired...

"whirled and fired everything he had at the phantom riders."

"On they road, the kid"...

A Colt...

That's it...

"a Colt in either hamlike fist..."

"Scattered lead...

"At the retreating...

Dust."

"Scattered lead at the retreating dust."

"Again, Dean bender himself has asked me to convey

"his Sincere desire that you, too,

"through self-study in the privacy of your own home

"may someday saddle up

"and join its distinguished alumni,

"many of whom make up to $8,000 a year.

"The Dean has also asked me to remind you

"that a $25 remittance... Cash, stamps, or money order...

"will assure you a place

"in our corral of first semester home-learners.

Welcome, partner."

"Signed..."

"James Stokes, registrar."

Read that part again

about the silver-veined mountains.

"Located in titan, Nevada, at the foot of the beautiful

"silver-veined shoshone mountains,

"the university of titan correspondence school division

"is pleased to announce acceptance of your application

"to study by mail

with America's select fraternity of western writers."

Every time a man gets something together,

there's another fella

just as ready to take it away from him.

I want to know what this means.

It means instead of mailing my lessons in,

I'm gonna take my crop money out to titan and sign up.

Maybe hang around the campus for a while, study there,

see what the real west is like.

It's what I want to do. I've figured it all out.

I have.

Hello?

Hello?

I've got ears. You don't have to holler.

I want to know where I am.

Titan, n-e-v... short for Nevada.

Over there... California.

I thought since there wasn't any horses

or anything really western

that maybe I didn't come far enough.

However, I did notice your buffalo head you got up there.

Still see many of them around, do you?

I ain't never seen one in my life.

There ain't been a buffalo around here since the turn.

Some fancy mover left that thing in the freight room

18 years ago.

Anyhow, I'm lookin' for Dean bender.

You got any idea

how many old farts there are runnin' around up there?

Yeah, but he's...

I told ya, I didn't know him!

I have a letter saying the university of titan...

You want the university.

Well, hell, you can see it from here.

You can? Funny, I didn't notice it.

Not over there... here.

Boxes 17 to 24.

That's a school?

Be a tight squeeze gettin' ya in there, wouldn't it, Sonny?

They told me there was a university out here,

damn it... nestled at the foot

of the silver-veined shoshone mountains.

Dean bender himself wrote the letter personally...

You get your claws off there.

This whole thing is protected by the government.

You want some federal people comin',

crawlin' all over your ass?!

Listen, I'm gonna level with you.

This thing you're after is really a post-office box.

Once a week, two guys come in here and pick up the mail,

and there ain't no university...

Not around here there ain't.

What you'd better do is go on home.

You got a lot to learn.

Hey...

Anybody else get off the train?

Just me and an old couple.

The woman had a blue dress on with polka dots.

The man... 60, 65 years of age, moon-faced,

wore a dark suit and brown soiled shoes.

A man in my line gets paid to notice details like that.

What kind of line are ya in?

I'm a writer.

I come here to get a firsthand look at the west and study.

A lot of writers get rejected

simply because they don't have enough experience

with the material they're workin' with.

You can't take things out if you don't put them in.

Most of the good stuff I do

comes out of times just like this.

There's no such thing as wasted time for a writer.

He's always thinking.

I'll just sit here and think.

I mentioned that I'm a writer, didn't I?

Generally I make it a point not to talk too much.

Maybe it's the climate.

I like new climates.

New things help the imagination.

Right now, for instance...

Maybe I see a guy comin' in here with a long whip...

Real character.

I figure the west is full of interesting people.

It's easy to make 'em up.

Anyway, that is the start of a damn good yarn right there...

A guy with a whip.

Somethin' like that could be worth money, don't ya think?

Yeah?

In a minute.

Alright.

Remind me to put "no stamps accepted"

in the next ad.

You want to know something personal?

What I want is some assistance.

The door.

Who's the new guest in the lobby?

Some poor farmer

your phony-baloney ad suckered out here.

He thinks there's really a college.

The ad said it was a correspondence school.

It didn't say come out here.

Pathetic.

It takes all kinds.

Now, look, we pay you to go down to the station

to ferret out incoming postal authorities,

not set up a traveler's aid for wandering farm boys.

I better check on him.

These postal people are trained.

Sure he's got a whip alright.

Dandy.

He knows how to use it, too.

You can tell it from his eyes, easy...

A sure tip-off.

Dangerous man, killer, bullwhacker.

God, he takes that thing and...

Whack!

Whammo!

Takes it and... crack!

Crack!

Crack!

I was just acting out that story I was telling you about.

He's a writer.

A writer.

Zane grey does that, too.

One thing leads to another

and pretty soon he's got himself a story.

You writin' a book?

Short stories at the present.

Well, good luck.

Thank you.

Thank you.

A total rube.

Strange one, though.

Think he has any money?

Now, that would be the most idiotic thing you could pull.

Stay away from him.

I mean it.

You sleep here.

Where are you staying?

None of your business.

I was hoping we could, get to know one another.

Lie down and cool off.

Alright, now...

Who is it?

God damn it, I want to know who it is!

Holy Jesus!

What do you want?!

Just tell me what you want.

Just tell me what you want!

You want my typewriter?

You're probably in the wrong room!

Hey, wait a minute.

Hey, wait, fella, wait.

What are you doing in there?

Stop that.

Hold it! Hold it a minute!

What do you think you're doing, anyway?!

You fool!

What's the matter with you?

Hey! Hey, stop! Thief!

Hey, stop that man!

Forget him.

He'll never survive out there.

We'll drop by tomorrow and pick up the body.

♪ Git along, little dogies

♪ yippy ti yi yo

♪ git along, little dogies

♪ it's your misfortune and none of my own ♪

♪ Yippy ti yi yo

♪ git along, little dogies

♪ it's your misfortune

♪ and you know that Wyoming will be your new home ♪

♪ Yippy ti yi yi!

♪ Little dogies

♪ go home, little dogies

♪ yippy ti

he rode where nobody else rode.

He stared that face right in the eyes

and he defied it.

There was no one quite like the kid

for quickness and everything else.

He was a wonder.

He led... he led a dream life...

A life of no ease.

Hey, there.

Hey, mister, you can thank your lucky stars

you weren't run over a moment ago.

You fellas cowboys?

Howard, we gotta go.

Yeah.

Come on, friend.

Get up here.

Hang on just a little longer now.

He's alright, Howard.

Hey, Jackson, give us a hand here, will ya?

Give us a hand here.

Who you got there, Howard?

Easy with him, now... easy, easy.

Got him?

Yeah, we got him.

Where'd you come from, boy?

What is all this?

You seen pictures, ain't ya? Theaters?

Well, that's what you're lookin' at.

This is talkin' pictures.

This is the real thing.

You mean you guys ain't cowboys?

Well, sure, we're cowboys.

What do you suppose we are, weasels?

Look at that guy's face right there.

Show him your profile, Wally.

Now, don't that look like a western type to you?

That right there is a cowboy's face.

Wreaks character.

That's what they told me... wreaks.

What happened?

Unless this gentleman's got something to say about it,

it ain't nobody's business but his own.

Hey, trouty, over here.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

She'll fix you up.

Come on, boys? Let's move it.

Just one more setup. Give me a break.

Go on, move it to the corral.

Ew. You alright?

Alright, let's go. Come on.

Who's your milliner?

Where did you get your... Hat?

My god!

What'd you do to your noggin?

I don't know.

I was asleep in a hotel, and the next thing I knew,

a bandit was in my room beating on me.

Probably trying to steal my typewriter.

I escaped into the desert where the cowboys found me,

wandering parched and thirsty across the barren waste.

"Parched and thirsty across the barren waste"?

Who talks like that?

I'm a writer...

Western prose.

Well, listen I'm not an m.D.,

but I've got some tincture of iodine in the truck, okay?

It's gonna burn like hell, though.

Wounds suffered in tropical climes

can all too swiftly become nasty infections.

In the chops.

In the slats, Lyle.

Right in the slats, now.

In the teeth. Get him right in the teeth, now.

Watch his feet.

Watch his feet, Lyle.

Watch his feet.

He's a punk, he's a punk.

He's a punk, Lyle. He's a punk.

I need a little facial expressions.

In the kisser, now, in the kisser.

Get him one in the chops.

And down.

You got it.

Down.

Down, Lyle.

Down, Lyle!

And on him.

Gunshot.

Gunshot!

Gunshot!

God damn it, what a couple of apes!

Don't you guys listen to anything?!

Lyle, give me another take?

I'm sorry.

Try it again, Lyle, please.

Lyle?

Hey, Lyle?

Lyle, I'm sorry, Lyle.

Will ya give me another take?

Give me another take.

Hey, kid.

Hey, kid, train's leavin'.

We're movin' out.

Where are you goin'?

We're goin' back to L.A.

I don't know where I'm going, really.

Well, you want a lift, you're welcome.

Sure thing. Can't stick around here.

Okay.

Once we get there, you're on your own.

Fair enough.

Thank you.

Hollywood.

I killed ol' Jackson smartly today, didn't I, Jack?

I guess.

Hey, Jackson, how come you alw get it first?

I don't always get it first.

The hell you don't.

He gets it first 'cause he's ugly

and they want to get rid of him quick.

I heard 'em talkin' about it.

You know, if this great land

had been filled with tiny turds like yourself

runnin' around in leather vests

and shootin' their mouths off,

it would still belong to Mr. red man.

Give me that bottle.

How much does this kind of work pay?

Depends on what you do and how you do it.

Take a fall, that's so much.

If you get one in the gut, that's somethin' else.

Depends, too, on if they like ya.

Me, they like.

You the star of this picture?

Yeah, I'm the star.

That's why I'm ridin' back here with these shitkickers.

Now, they're up there somewhere in the buick.

That's where the money is.

Is it?

Wads of it.

Ask ol' Howard how it feels to be ridin' up front.

I hear it's pretty grand.

- Goodnight, Jackson. - Bye, Howard.

- See ya, Sam. - Goodnight, boys.

Vaya con dios.

Adios, kid.

So long, fellas.

Thanks a lot.

Okay, kid.

Well, I'd have you come in, kid,

but I've, I've got company.

Same here, kid.

Well, that's perfectly fine.

I understand.

There's a half-dozen boardinghouses over there.

Is that right?

Goodnight.

See you fellas later.

Hoo-hoo!

"He found himself..."

"In a tropical..."

"Hellhole of savages..."

"...living by his wits..."

"And prairie cunning..."

"He met the challenge of this womanless land"...

Womanless land.

Womanless.

Hello.

Do you just walk in places unannounced?

Well, the guys up front said she was back here.

Ignore him. He's dyspeptic.

Hey, how's that bump doin',

it's about flat, thanks...

Sort of like my wallet.

I'm looking for a job.

You and the rest of the country.

I suppose you're a cowboy?

I know a lot about them 'course.

Basically, however, I'm a writer.

Yeah, that's right...

Western prose.

I was wondering... it struck me...

Somebody must write your...

"Scenario" is the word you're searching for.

That's it... scenarios. Somebody must write 'em.

Yeah, well, somebody does.

These days it's usually Kessler, the boss himself.

The writers we used to use are all out

on Santa Monica boulevard sellin' apples.

You want one?

Thanks.

Listen, I've got my own typewriter.

Sorry, partner. It doesn't mean a thing.

If you don't have any writing positions,

maybe there's something else I can do,

something where I can soak up a little western atmosphere.

Can you ride a horse?

Sure.

Look, fill this out.

Put your name, place where we can reach ya.

I don't know.

Western atmosphere?

Kid, are you handy with your mitts?

Sure.

Think you can deal with tough, ornery cowpokes

day in and day out?

I know I can.

Howard, there's nothin' around.

Got to be room for a kid like this at the rio.

Why don't you give 'em a jingle?

The rio? That sounds swell. Is it a ranch?

Hey, where you been hidin'?

Nowhere. I only just started here this morning.

Hard times?

A guy like you washin' dishes.

There gonna have me doin' somethin' else later.

You're not the type, right?

I can tell a lot about a man from little things...

The way he moves, the way he uses his hands.

That sort of thing.

Observation...

That's the chief way you learn things about people.

You, for instance,

you got a kind of artistic way about you.

What are you, a musician?

Well, then, let's see.

The manager.

I dare say I'll catch it.

A writer!

I'm a western writer.

I knew it was somethin' like that.

Who is it?

Mrs. stern.

What do you want?

You got a call.

You have a call for me?

That's what she says.

When you hear my whistle, I want to see gunfire...

Lots of it.

Keep it up until you hear my second whistle.

Jackson...

Jackson, you take the first bullet.

Then Wally... And you, kid.

Space it out.

Burt.

Men, keep it simple, but make me believe it.

Everyone got that?

Okay, no mistakes, please.

Everyone up on the hill and behind your rock.

Move your asses!

First Jackson and then Wally and then me,

wasn't that it?

Correct.

I think I'm gonna take one right through the forehead.

The forehead's terrible, it's awful.

In this business, a man gets shot through the heart.

It's clean. Unless, of course, they're lookin' to graze him,

in which case the gun hand or the shoulder is acceptable.

The leaded messenger of death took the kid by surprise,

driving deep into his shoulder.

Although the pain was enormous, he did not fall.

Howard...

Yeah?

Do you think this outfit looks alright?

The fit seems kind of tight.

What do you think of trouty, Howard?

I mean, in terms of general attractiveness.

Walkin' around in slacks the way she does,

woman like that's hard to tell.

Could be her sexual interests are deviant.

I know Kessler's been chasin' her ass for years

without success.

'Course, that's Kessler.

Everybody ready?

Roll it.

I'm rushin' him.

Stay here!

Aha!

In the rocks, you dumb putz!

Burt, no, he's just a kid.

Burt, you promised me.

Burt, please.

He's just a kid.

I'll kill him!

No, he's just a kid.

Burt, you promised me.

Burt, please.

What made me do a thing like that?

Don't worry about it, kid.

I'll do better, really.

I've never done anything so stupid before.

Well, you gotta relax, act natural.

You're too tight.

Nobody cares about that kind of stuff

unless you got a big part.

Just die natural.

Anyway, you might pull a muscle.

Well, think you boys can take another two days of this...

Roughing it?

Seriously, though, compadres,

that was really punk out there today...

I mean stinko.

I think we all know that.

If we're gonna come in under the wire,

we're gonna have to catch fire here.

You lousy sons of bitches

aren't getting soft on me now, are ya?

Hell no.

Give him one, Sam.

Yee!

Yee-aha!

Yah!

Hoo!

That's what I like to hear!

World beaters, every one of ya!

Wild-ass Sage kickers!

Thank you very much!

Don't let me down!

You're not gonna let me down, are ya?

Is he gone?

Yup.

Asshole.

He gets a little behind schedule,

he's a regular pain in the neck.

He's okay by me. Let's get one more big one.

Hoo!

Hoo!

Knock it off, kid.

You see...

What we gotta do here

is set up a little public relations, that's all.

The more we carry on, the better he feels.

If you did okay, they ask you back.

You'll catch on.

Course, it don't always work out that way.

Some guys get the axe...

Especially if they've fouled up.

No offense intended.

I know one tenderfoot's gonna get his pecker shot off

if he don't turn in.

This cast is beginning to itch.

Good.

Fellas, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't disappointed.

Alright, I'm willing to raise my previous offer $3.

That brings the total up to $7.50.

That's 7 dollars and 50 cents.

Well, my foot's all swolled up

from the lizard bite I got last night or I'd be glad to.

I'd be the last one in the world

to hold anything over a man's head,

but the object of this outfit is making films.

If we can't get a man to jump on that horse,

then I suggest we all ought to take a long, hard look

in the shaving mirror tomorrow morning when we get up,

see what kind of men are looking back!

Speaking for myself, Mr. Kessler, I'd be glad to do it,

if it wasn't for my back.

Fellas, I know it's not easy. I know that.

And Lyle, if he was a better rider,

he'd be the first one in the world to do his own stunts,

but he ain't.

As big a heart as that man's got,

he still can't ride for shit,

and there ain't a thing in the world we can do about it!

Can I get somebody?!

How about $8.50?

You got your man!

And you don't have to pay me a dime extra for it.

Sid... sid!

You think you can do it, kid?

- Sure. - What's your name, kid?

Lewis tater.

Well, listen, Taylor,

the one thing I'm worried about is the window.

If we have to do a second take, replace the window,

you're talking about 25 smackers.

You got me?

Don't worry about a thing.

Alright, settle down, people, please.

Roll it.

Action!

Action!

Those damn cowboys!

I always said they were great, didn't I?

Always said you can't beat 'em.

You always said you couldn't trust them.

Well, you misunderstood me.

He didn't wear a cup.

Son of a bitch.

Didn't anybody tell him?

I think they're pushed somewhere up around my chest.

He ain't even gettin' paid for it, that's the awful part.

Whenever they want something special,

like that kind of a jump, you've got to wait 'em out.

You wait till the price gets high enough

till it makes it worth your while.

You never do it for nothin'.

You'll ruin the business.

Right.

Nobody's gonna like you.

I can't help it.

I get excited.

God damn it!

I gotta watch that. I keep forgetting.

What's that, arthritis?

No, I fell from a box elder.

Box elder's a tree.

I did it jumping a guy during a fight scene.

Interesting things have been happening

since I've been last here.

Let's see, well, for instance...

And this'll act as evidence to prove I'm not a liar...

I got all these damn bruises.

Got 'em in fight scenes, action stunts,

that sort of thing.

The fact is...

I am in moving pictures.

There is one bruise, though, that is private.

I caught it jumping a horse.

As I say, it is private, unless, of course,

you might find it int...

I was wondering if, possibly,

you knew the young man who just exited?

We have reason to believe, you see,

that the lad has attached himself

to a moving picture company.

Who wants to know?

His father wants to know.

His father?

Yes, his father.

That poor gentleman suffers from a heart disorder.

And he wants to see his son.

Perhaps, for the last time.

I'm sorry, but I've never seen him before in my life.

Excuse me.

Rio.

How many?

Wait a minute.

Jack, are you still with... Yeah, triangle.

Okay.

2 blts down.

1 tuna rye, hold the Mayo.

2 tangos and a... Milky way.

Alright.

Hey, trouty, here's that stunt I was telling you about.

Is that me? Let me see, lucky.

No, it's not you.

Kid, I sent you for coffee.

What the hell you been doin', playin' football with it?

What a pissant!

He thinks he's gonna make that kind of money as a heavy!

He's crazy. Nobody, and I mean nobody's gonna give it to him.

Let him find out for himself.

I wash my hands off that guy.

If I were you guys...

I'd take a powder.

Things aren't what you'd call cordial around here.

Now what?

You gonna honor your commitment?

Hell yes. Hell yes, I'm gonna honor it.

One thing about me is I don't get nervous

when something like this happens.

Guys like Lester are hamburger in this business...

So much a pound.

Hey, hold it!

How many times do I have to tell you guys?

You want to hang around, do it outside.

This ain't a goddamn corral.

You're the kid that jumped the horse, right?

Yes, sir.

Okay, come with me.

Sit down, kid.

Go ahead, relax.

You ever deliver any lines?

Deliver what?

Lines.

Talkin'. You ever spoke before in a movin' picture?

I never have.

It doesn't matter. It's probably better.

You just do everything I tell you from now on,

we'll get along just fine.

Kid, how would you like to make $55 a week?

Wait a minute.

Let's make that $60.

- I'd like to. - Sure you would.

It's a hell of a thing. Kid your age making that kinda money.

I'm not gonna fool around.

We're pushing through a new feature,

and you just got the nod for a nice part.

You interested?

I think so.

You think so?

Well, kid, you better be damn sure.

What do you say?

Mr. gates, this is...

Lewis tater.

Mr. Taylor, our new, young heavy.

Tater.

Right.

Mr. gates represents a distributing chain.

We make 'em, he gets 'em out.

Fair enough?

I know it isn't easy, but that's the way I want it.

Well, everybody's got a different head...

Contour, shape. Nothing's the same.

What's good for Zane grey isn't necessarily good for you.

You mean you aren't even trying to match it?

Well, of course I'm trying.

What the hell makes you think I'm not?

Because it doesn't look right.

I saw that!

First of all, the damn guy's a writer, not an actor.

So what?

You want me to cut it so you can write a book or be in a movie?

I want you to cut it like the picture. That's how I want it.

Hold it. Jesus.

Sit down.

Hey, tater, let's make one!

Tater, move your ass!

That's me they want.

Please don't. Please don't.

You don't have to act so refined around me.

This ain't a cotillion.

Tater, please. We're falling behind.

Go on, go on, it's alright.

Come on.

Alright, please, everyone, settle down.

This is the rehearsal. Burt.

Go ahead.

Please... don't.

Please don't.

You don't have to act so refined around me.

This ain't a cotillion.

Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

That's awful.

Come here.

Let's look at it from a different angle, alright?

Let's try and take it from her point of view.

You're coming on good-looking, in a...

In a twisted kind of way.

And naturally she's gonna be suspicious of your intentions.

That's what we want. That's her job.

Right now, she's got nothing to interest her.

Yeah, I know that's right.

Kid, you're lacking nothing but confidence.

Come here. I want to show you something.

Take a look at that.

What do you see?

Why, hell, with those features and that outfit...

I get goosebumps just lookin' at it.

Do you think any woman in her right mind's

gonna be able to resist that?

Nope.

You think she can?

I don't know.

Well, I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen

if you want to know. You want to know?

Sure.

You're gonna end up breakin' her damn heart.

That's what's gonna happen. What do you think about that?

I am?

You believe me?

I think I do.

Come on. Let's shoot.

Please don't.

You don't have to act so refined around me.

This ain't a cotillion.

I don't know what you mean.

I think you do, alright.

Take your hands off me!

Come here.

Ugghh!

A-a-a-and cut.

Beautiful, Lyle.

Really beautiful.

What do you think?

Gates?

I'm sorry, you're gonna have to interpret that for me.

It means okay.

I gotta admit, that kid wasn't too bad.

The kid?

Taylor.

Maybe you ought to give him a test or a two-reeler.

See what happens.

You think so?

Why not?

No, no, I was thinking the same thing myself.

One thing, though... don't say anything to him about it.

Let me handle it. It'll be cheaper that way.

Okay?

Where you goin'?

Where you goin'?

- Hey, Lewis. - Why, hi.

Lewis, we just saw your footage.

How was it?

Strictly standard stuff, kid.

How about the scene with the lady?

Let's go to the rio and get a cup of coffee.

Listen, I'd like you to stop by Bruno's and get some 8x10s.

I'd just like to see you in some different duds.

- Who's Bruno? - He's a photog...

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Come see me in the office tomorrow, okay?

Okay.

I said to the guy, I said,

I can't consider myself...

I think I'll skip the coffee, Burt. Thanks, anyway.

So, anyway...

Hey, mind if I butt in?

No.

Good.

I-I got a package back there at tumbleweed

needs carryin' home.

Could you give me a hand?

Sure.

Good, then, we'll cross over here.

Come on.

Well, we're almost certain

he's with a moving picture company.

Nobody by that description?

Listen, one more thing...

I know it sounds a little vague,

but the young man is very physical.

He runs like a gazelle.

Doesn't ring a bell?

Well, thanks.

Thanks anyway.

Ix-nay?

What am I carrying, anyway?

If it's nothing personal.

No. It's just a radio.

I won it last night at a screeno game at the pantages.

Just my luck... the heaviest prize.

It's probably very well made.

Hey, how are you holdin' up?

Okay.

It's just that where I come from, it's very level.

Yeah, where's that?

- Nevada. - Really?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Lots of exciting things happen in Nevada.

Yeah? Like what, for instance?

Well, you, got your... your Indians...

Your, mesquite, your precious metals

your Indians sell.

Where are you really from, Lewis?

Iowa.

I don't know what made me say Nevada.

Forget it.

Most of the cowpokes we use are from back east, anyway.

Maybe it's the acting. I never figured on it.

Thanks.

Where shall I set it?

Yeah...

How about over there?

Okey-dokey.

Lewis the reluctant cowboy.

Most guys I know would mortgage their mother

to ride the celluloid trail.

But you would rather write.

Hey, you know, you ought to let Howard pike

take a look at your stuff.

Howard? Why?

I shouldn't really tell you this, but...

Kessler's been makin' westerns for 16 years...

Cannot handle cowboy lingo.

So he pays pike 5 simoleons a week under the table

to help him out.

Howard pike? No kidding?

Yeah.

He's a great old coot...!

Well, look at that.

Shall we join her?

Pardon me?

One dance and then you gotta go, soldier.

Do they dance in Iowa?

Sure.

♪ Tender lips that once were mine ♪

♪ Tender eyes that shine

♪ they will light... My way tonight ♪

♪ I'll see you in...

This is very interesting.

I've always wondered what kind of place you dwelled in.

Mystery lady's lair.

Are there other rooms in this place?

I mean, where do you sleep?

In my bedchamber...

Through those doors over there.

Is it?

Do you mind if I look in there?

Mnh-mnh. Be my guest.

It's not that I'm nosy.

I try and make it a point when I'm in a new place

to get the lay of the land... Jesus!

You know the first thing a writer does

in a situation like this?

Fixes things in his mind.

Draws a bead on it.

You know what I mean by that?

It means finding a word you can remember...

One that tells you something about it.

This bed here, for instance...

I'd say it was resourceful...

or maybe...

Ingenious.

Now, that's not bad.

As a matter of fact, that's good.

For instance...

Shut up, Lewis.

♪...where the daisies cover the country lanes♪

♪We'll make Cain while the sun shines♪

♪We'll make love when it rains...♪

Sorry, kid. The bell doesn't work.

What are you doin' walkin' around in all this sunshine?

You're wet as a fish.

Take off your coat.

Put it over there.

You got a match?

Let me check here.

I don't believe I do.

Never mind.

My rock.

Fell on me during a climbin' stunt up at vasquez.

I thought about cuttin' it in half or somethin',

but I figured it wouldn't have the same meaning, you know?

That what you called me about?

This?

Yeah, it is...

Something I wrote.

Western novel, actually.

I finished it over a year ago.

Trouty told me maybe you'd, read it sometime,

and give me your opinion.

She did?

I don't know if I've ever discussed the fact with you,

Howard, but what I am really, see, is a writer.

Writer.

I think I've heard you mention that once or twice.

You ever been published?

Well, no, I'm...

Well, kid...

If a person saying he was something

was all there was to it, this country would be full

of rich men and good-looking women.

Kings and queens, you know what I mean?

Too bad it isn't that easy?

In short, when someone else says you're a writer,

that's when you're a writer...

Not before.

Mucho pages, amigo.

2 1/2 pounds.

I weighed it.

"Hearts of the west...

A novel by Lewis tater."

Well, sometimes it's a little bit difficult to determine

with these ribald kids,

but I'd say he's a 16 1/2, 35.

You got any idea how many lugs I have to outfit

during the course of a week?

Look, I'd like to help you if I could,

but right now, I have to make a living.

Is that okay with you?

Kid, you made the wall of the rio.

Looks a little like maynard.

Or maybe Billy pueblo.

- Don't he? - Bullshit I do.

He does, alright...

Kind of hunched up and ready to strike.

Pueblo... now he wrote great westerns.

I read "trail of gold" eight times.

Never did see any of the movies he acted in, though.

Frugal man.

Never spent a dime he didn't have to.

Put everything into a Montana weasel ranch.

Weasel pelts took a jump three years later,

now he walks around a big house in silk pajamas.

Wonderful success.

We're talkin' about independent wealth.

Money.

Guy comes up...

Salesman.

He says, "yes, sir, what'll it be?"

You say, "Taj Mahal, please."

"Not for sale," he says. "Sorry."

"Well, then," you say,

"I'll take the whole damn country.

Whatever it is, wrap it up."

"Yes, sir," he says smiling.

And he does, wraps it up.

That's independent wealth for you.

Anyway, I've seen a lot of them, and I'll tell you this much...

None of them takes as good a glossy as this one...

Not the first time around, anyway.

How much are them monkeys gonna pay ya?

I don't know. We're gonna talk about it tomorrow.

Now, listen... personally,

I wouldn't accept anything less than $150 a week.

When you're in with Kessler,

wait till he starts to squawk, then head slowly for the door.

- What'll happen? - You won't reach the knob.

Guaranteed.

Play him like a fish.

- $150? - Yeah.

Anything less than that, tell him to take a dunk.

Take a dunk.

Do what?

Mr. Kessler, I'm not working for $110.

Who said you were?

Just try to look at it from a different point of view.

Fair enough?

You know what it costs?

$75.

Now, you add to that $87.50 for the outfit,

$20 for glossies, $15 for miscellaneous expenses...

You're talking about faith, the faith of one man... me...

And the future of neddy wales.

It's a matter of perspective.

On the one hand, we have a side

represented by yourself, the artist,

that says I saw him go through the turnstile.

At this point, nobody's got a beef.

All you want is your fair share of the pie.

I'm not working for any $110.

Well, of course you're not.

I'm trying to explain something to you for your own good.

I'm talking about something beyond conventional value.

I'm talking about wisdom, experience...

Things like that.

Now, we see the patrons of the competition

circling the globe like earthworms, Lewis.

How many? Millions.

Let's look back at our line, at how many people?

Hundreds, thousands.

Do you know why, Lewis? I'll tell you why.

Because you are small potatoes, Lewis!

You are small, pitiful potatoes!

What you are is a maybe,

and maybes don't draw big bankrolls!

I'm willing to go $115.

- Screw $115. - $120, then.

This can be worked out. I feel that way, we're close.

I don't feel anything.

Kid, I'm gonna extend myself for both of our sakes.

You know, I can do a lot for a kid like you,

but we've got to build. We've got to take it slow.

You got to be a steady Eddie.

$130. I think $130 is very fair.

Why don't we... Why don't we drink to that?

Do you want a drink? Let's... let's drink to 1-3-0.

Let's just have a drink, okay?

Drink to 1-3-0.

Where are you goin'? What are you doin'?

Where are you goin'?

You're fired, pissant!

Fired!

Fired!

Cut.

- Print. - Alright.

Lunch... one hour!

Trouty!

Lewis, what are you doin' here?

Lucky told me you were fillin' in here today.

I gotta talk to ya.

What'd you do, enlist?

I couldn't even get through the damn gate at this place.

I borrowed it from an extra for a buck.

It's gotta be back before lunch is over.

Okay, what's up?

I got fired.

What?

Kessler fired you?

He wouldn't give me the $150 I asked for.

$150 per?

That's more than Lyle gets.

Howard told me if he...

Howard pike?!

I told you to ask him for literary, not economic, advice.

Look, I like Howard,

but he doesn't know his ass from his elbow about money.

Lewis, did you ever hear of Billy pueblo?

Next time you're at the rio, take a look at Billy's photo

and see if it doesn't remind you of your financial advisor.

Howard pike is Billy pueblo?

One and the same, with some bad years in between.

That's why I told you to show him some of your yarns.

Billy pueblo has read my novel.

No, Howard told me...

Billy pueblo walks around all day in silk pajamas.

He's got a big weasel ranch.

Weasel ranch? That's a pip.

He's got a job working for Burt Kessler

is what he's got.

Excuse me.

You know, I feel like the good fairy

handing out these morsels of assistance.

Lewis, do you know who a.J. Nietz is?

Who?

My god, don't they teach writers how to survive anymore?

A.j. nietz.

He publishes pulps.

You get along with a guy like that,

- and life will prove bearable. - So?

So I used to work for his brother-in-law...

A schlock musical producer.

You know, maybe he can get you in to see nietz.

I'll call him tomorrow. The rest is up to you.

♪ Come with me... the moonbeams ♪

♪ Fine tahitian skies

♪ and the starlit waters

♪ linger in your eyes

♪ hey, them hills are calling

♪ to them we belong

♪ and we'll cheer each other

♪ with a pagan love song

♪ hey, them hills are calling ♪

♪ To them we belong

♪ and we'll cheer each other ♪

♪ With... the... pagan love s-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-ong ♪

Okay, kids, relax.

Well, what do you think?

If you enjoy entertaining the crew, not bad.

Otherwise, it belongs in a rehearsal hall.

A rehearsal hall is where you rehearse, not here.

This is a soundstage.

You're the kid trout called about?

Well, what shall I do with it?

Well, the first thing I would do

is get rid of that noodle in the pith helmet.

And then...

shoot it.

Okay, let's make it.

Listen, I feel like hell about this, but, ol' a.J.

Is up to his ass in new projects,

and, frankly, I-i told trout I'm in no position to butt in.

Maybe if you can come back in a couple of months, we could...

You know.

What's that?

Don't even ask.

Breaks my heart.

Is it a tragedy?

For me, yes.

I'm 2 grand short of getting it off the ground.

"The rainbow trail."

A western?

Mounted police.

A beauty in 12 chapters.

I could start it tomorrow if I had the $2,000 today.

Maybe we can help each other out here.

How do you mean?

Well, if I can raise the money, do you think...

If you could raise the money,

I'll get you in to see nietz somehow.

I'll see what I can do.

Bruce crater, right?

Lewis tater.

T-a-t-e-r.

I love all your fish.

What's the matter? I scare ya?

Trouty, you're gonna have to leave.

What? What kind of a welcome is that?

I carried this damn cutout all the way from tumbleweed and...

What you got there?

Nothing.

Lewis.

Lewis, I thought you were broke.

I am.

What's that, a banana?

Hey, where am I going? I just got here! Lewis!

I thought we could go for a walk or something.

You never let me know what happened.

Trouty, I'll call you later.

Lewis!

Mr. weeks claims to be the assistant registrar.

Claim to be and am.

I'm sorry, Mr. weeks,

it's just that we rarely see a college administrator

in a windbreaker.

It's an agricultural college.

Mr. weeks, I understand

you'd like to open an account for the university of titan

and make a withdrawal on the same day.

Correct.

And you are depositing... $1,100 in currency,

and $2,575 in money orders.

Correct.

Normally, our procedure is to allow six to eight days

for clearance of money orders.

In these days, with banks falling like duckpins,

and a university is willing to deposit $3,675

as a pledge of good faith in the economy

and in your bank, in particular.

I guess these funds are destined for other coffers.

Mr. weeks, how much is it you'd like to withdraw?

$2,000.

Leaving the bank with $1,675 of the university's resources.

Unbelievable.

Listen, I'll call nietz right away.

You may as well give him this when you see him.

What's Mr. nietz have to do with this money?

Are you kidding?

He's paying for the serial.

Okay, look,

my brother-in-law the publisher puts up the money...

$10,000. If I go over budget... Which I won't...

He dips into this 2 grand.

When the picture's wrapped,

he gives us back our money, you got it?

The same check?

If that's important to you, yes.

I want you to know this is not my money.

It's borrowed from a lot of different people.

This check is gonna go right into a safe.

It'll never be touched.

Look...

Don't let him know whose money it is, will ya?

I'd rather he thought

it comes from the account of yours truly?

Take a hat.

Please.

Any one?

Good choice.

You write westerns, don't you?

Mostly.

Would you like to hear something about my novel?

Have you...

Ever been...

In love?

Love is a great experience.

Perhaps the greatest.

That's what I've heard.

Love seeketh not itself to please.

Come on!

The coldest critic of them all.

You don't mind, do you?

I-I guess not.

Thank you, mister...

Tater.

Do you have something for me in an envelope, Mr. tater?

I almost forgot.

Mr. tater...

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Well, he's kind of a big galoot

with an athletic neck, you know?

A blond kid?

Sorry, boys.

Well, can you tell us how to get to beechwood place?

Follow your nose one mile.

Can you shake and shift with that thing on your hand?

Do birds fly?

Mr. tater...

A Mr. nietz called.

He wants to see you tomorrow at noon.

Here's the address.

What for? Did he say?

Brunch.

Brunch?

What is brunch?

Want a bagel, sir?

Alright.

Thank you.

Lox, sir?

Might I suggest the sturgeon?

The lox is very salty here. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

Give the gentleman some sturgeon.

You'll like it. It'll even go with the cream cheese.

Sturgeon, sir.

Thank you.

I'll have some, too.

That again? Eww!

Sturgeon for me.

Have you seen what Von sternburg has done with her?

I know he's German, but he's obsessed with women...

Naturally... like all Germans are.

And he's taken her, this beautiful woman,

this goddess,

and he's transformed her into an evil bird.

Hello, Rita.

She's really a very sick girl.

She's been in deep analysis for four years.

She'll be hysterical in another hour.

Actually, the cause of it is her white diet.

She can only eat white things, you know?

A.j.

A.j.

Okay, okay, Larry.

Go bore somebody else.

Did you read the new Franz werfel?

I read it, I read it.

Did it break your heart?

It broke it.

You're enjoying yourself?

Very interesting brunch...

All this unusual food.

What you got there?

Sturgeon... that's good.

The lox is a little salty this week.

Mike.

Mr. Frankfurt represents the times.

He's, he's a critic.

Mr. Frankfurt is currently reading a manuscript

submitted to me under cloudy circumstances.

The vast pacific.

That's right.

As I was saying, Mr. Frankfurt is reading a piece of material

submitted to me under cloudy circumstances.

Cloudy?

A curious piece...

Rough in spots, but altogether alive.

Possessed of a disarming, childlike simplicity.

Sounds very interesting.

I have two copies of this remarkable manuscript

from separate sources.

Peculiar?

A pain in the ass.

What's it called?

"Hearts of the west."

You have two copies?

Two.

I don't understand.

Neither do I.

However, I would like to leave that for the moment

and introduce you to the author.

The author?

The author.

Howard.

Hey, compadre.

I thought that since you two gentlemen

share similar tastes in western literature,

you might enjoy meeting.

Now, listen, kid...

Before you go and fly off the handle,

I'd advise you...

I don't need any more of your advice, Howard.

Billy pueblo.

You were goddamn Billy pueblo!

You meant something to people, Howard!

I was backed in a corner, kid...

Headin' for alimony jail...

buyin' a few extra days.

You got to hear me out...

I told you, I don't want your damn advice!

Didn't I tell you that?!

I didn't know he was gonna publish it...

Did you read it?!

I looked at it.

Uhhhhh!

Well, it just, gives out, you know?

Causing death.

Naturally, when they requested, I traced their missing son.

I simply couldn't refuse.

That him?

- Please? - Listen...

- I said please. - Kessler, I am very tired.

Just one drink. And I promise to go.

I gotta be at the rio in 20 minutes, anyway.

- I'm paying the check. - You're paying for sid's stag?

Yeah, it's the least I could do.

You make me feel like socially inferior!

I don't want things to get out of hand.

How could anything get out of hand in 20 minutes?

We're both adults.

20 minutes and you're out, Kessler.

You're a hell of a hostess, you know that?

Lewis!

I thought you were on location.

It's neddy wales, the cowboy prince!

When's the coronation, kid?

Lewis, where are you goin'?

It's just like back home.

Every time we have soup for supper,

I get a peppercorn on the first swallow.

Lewis!

Lew...

♪happy days are here again♪

♪The skies above are clear again♪

♪So let's sing a song of cheer again♪

♪Happy days are here again♪

♪Altogether, shout it now♪

♪There's no one who can doubt it now♪

♪So let's tell the world about it now♪

♪Happy days are here again♪

♪Your cares and troubles are gone♪

♪There'll be no more from now on♪

♪Happy days are here again♪

♪The skies...♪

Wait, wait, I wouldn't go in there, ma'am!

Okay, hold it down, boys!

Hold it down.

Story time.

Howard, have you seen Lewis?

Where's Lewis?

Screw him.

Can you hear me?

Alright, cut it out.

I'm only kidding around.

Lewis is in trouble. I can't find him.

Well, he ain't here, you can see that.

Fellas, who's got a story? Who's got a...

Sam, come on up and tell us a story!

Somebody's been to his apartment.

That's no sweat off my hocks. What are you doing here?

This affair is gents-only.

Howard!

Let's hear it for Howard!

Excuse me, troutster.

Duty calls.

Our own Howard.

Want me to tell it straight?

You know me... no bullshit.

You think you can handle this assignment?

Give 'em hell, you leathery son of a bitch.

Well, let's see.

One time Jackson and me was ridin' out by the wicker ranch.

We run into some bad weather

and had to put up there for the night.

Now, at that time,

old man wicker's girls was about 16 years old.

Locomotive and caboose we called 'em.

One of 'em, Clarice, she looked like she had hid

a couple of prize hens up under her sweater.

And the other one... Loraleen, I believe it was...

She has hers all behind... Biggest ass I've ever seen.

That's why, locomotive and caboose...

One of 'em up front, and the other, behind.

Well, anyhow...

Trouty, he's at my place.

Jackson spied this inner tube,

and, he brought it over to me and had this...

Had this big grin on his face...

923 north bower.

Hey, Jackson, why don't you tell it?

You were the one pulled the trick on those girls.

Come on, come on.

Get Jackson up here to tell it.

Hey, Howard, where you goin'?

Look, trouty, just because I'm from Iowa.

When I see a man in a tuxedo with two glasses in his hand...

Forget Kessler. He was on his way to sid's stag.

He wanted to kibitz for a minute. I couldn't keep him out.

Listen, Lewis, I went to your place after you ran out.

It looked like the crimean war had played there.

You didn't turn on the lights, did you?

Yes, I turned on the lights.

Lewis, what kind of trouble are you in?

Who said I'm in any trouble?

Why don't you just step over there and push down that latch?

I don't expect any problems.

Sometimes it's just better to play it safe, that's all.

My god! Hey!

Don't say another word and you may survive this evening.

Hey, listen, let her go.

She doesn't know a damn thing.

What I told the lady goes for you, too, junior.

Hey, hold it.

What do you think you're doing?

Look, I'd give you back the money, but it's gone.

I put most of it in a moving picture.

The rest's in a bank... Honest.

Look, how was I gonna get it back to ya?

Wait a minute. You want land... farm land?

You don't want it now, but someday you'll wanna retire.

You'll have to share it, of course,

but it's good land... fertile.

Come on, yes or no?

You're hurting me.

I am tired of this whole thing.

Maybe it's my fault for not making that clear.

First you come in the door...

Ruin the lock.

Who is gonna pay for somethin' like that?

I'm a guest in this house.

You abuse the lady... And you take my wallet.

Well, it should be no surprise to you, then,

to know that I'm fed up.

Jesus, you shot me in the elbow.

I can hardly believe you really did that.

Give me that.

I think you killed him!

Howard, you're terrific.

You looked like old Billy pueblo comin' through that door

all hunched up and ready to strike.

And you killed that skinny bastard.

If I did, it was a miracle of the lord,

'cause I was shootin' blanks.

Blanks? Really?

No kiddin'.

That's terrific.

Better get this man some medical attention, trouty.

Jesus, there's a hole in my leg, a round hole.

Well, it isn't really round, but it's a hole.

Howard, I can't believe it.

They come in here, shoot, don't even ask.

Shoot me in the elbow and the leg...

Once here and once here. Bandits.

Help me get my pants on.

Take it easy, take it easy.

Twice.

I've been shot by bandits.

Where?

Bower and fountain.

Yes, yes, please. Will you hurry?

I want you to know that this whole affair

has been a terrible embarrassment.

I really never meant for things to go quite that far.

Take it easy.

Easy does it, easy does it.

I come all the way out here and what happens?

Place goes crazy.

Watch your feet there.

Shootout.

The room lit up with gunfire.

Alright, up.

Howard? Howard?

Yeah?

This would make one hell of a story, don't you think?

Sure it would.

Thing like this could be worth a lot of money.

We're talkin' about independent wealth here.

Salesman, he says, "what'll it be, sir?"

And you tell him, "Taj Mahal."

"Sorry," he says. "That's not for sale."

"Well, then," you say,

"give me the whole damn country."

"Yes, sir," he says.

And he does.

He wraps it on up.

That's independent wealth, for ya.

Weasels and silk pajamas.

Troutster, you go along with the boy.

Who is that kid?

Lewis tater.

He's a writer.

Just sold his first novel.

The slightest smile broke across the kid's face

as the barking revolvers became nothing but a memory.

Secure in the knowledge of his friendship

with the old trapper and the girl,

he sped along...

He had done his job.

♪ Hold you in my arms

♪ someone took you out of my arms ♪

♪ Still I feel the thrill of your charms ♪

♪ Lips that once were mine

♪ tender eyes that shine

♪ they will light my way tonight ♪

♪ I'll see you in my dreams

♪ lips that once were mine

♪ tender eyes that shine

♪ they will light my way tonight ♪

♪ I'll see... You... In... My... Dr-e-e-e-eams ♪