All language subtitles for dear.white.people.s01e04.720p.webrip.x264-morose-eng

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[classical music playing]

[narrator] Thane Lockwood,

a son, a brother,

possibly a father...
DNA tests are still out.

As the star running back
for the mighty Griffins,

he holds records for
the most yards rushed

and the lowest GPA of any student
ever admitted to Winchester.

He was also known for
his penchant for flight.

[crowd chanting] Thane!
Thane! Thane! Thane!

[hip-hop music playing]

[Thane] Whoo!

[cheering]

Ooh, look at you.

Must you?

How did you get the color so even?

[gasps]

Oh.

[laughs]

[narrator] Despite being
promised a good time

by her white friends
who dragged her here,

Coco felt a tinge of melancholy that
had been with her, her entire life.

[woman] First, we're gonna have playtime

and then snack time

and then nap time.

Go play.

- Yeah!
- [children cheering]

Where's the rubber ducky?

And some me time.

No, you take the ugly one.

- [Sam] Really, Coco?
- What?

You want to be a freedom
fighter? Go ahead.

This may come as a shock to you,

but these people don't give a fuck
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.

They spend millions of dollars
on their lips, their tans,

their asses, Kanye tickets

because they want to be like us.

And they got to be for a night.

I'm not about to go out into the street
and protest a fucking Halloween party.

[groans]

[narrator] This
perspective on race

made the ideological
chasm between Sam and Coco

deeper than Thane's grave.

Too soon?

[squeals]

[gasps]

Not that I base my sense of
well-being on the male gaze.

But what, am I not pretty enough
to get invited to a Pegasus party?

Well, you know how I got in... Brian.

He still feels guilty
about giving you chlamyds?

Who gave you the STD?

Oh, me? I was just pretty enough.

The envy I feel will slowly eat me alive

until there's nothing
left but cashmere and bone.

- Oh, your goal weight.
- [cell phone chimes]

Um, no, sorry. Not
responding to that text.

You've been way too available.

[Sam over radio]
All right, y'all,

you're listening to Dear White
People with your girl Sam White.

Now, the station put baby
in a corner for a minute,

but she's back thanks to
the following disclaimer.

[man] Trigger warning.

The following program
deals with race relations

and is meant purely for
entertainment purposes.

[Sam] With that out the way,

here's a little game
I call "Woke or Not."

Up first, Troy Fairbanks.

[Troy] Kurt Fletcher and
Pastiche are ready

to address the
criticisms against them.

They're not responsible for
the Dear Black People party.

We should move on
if we're to heal.

[Sam] I say...

- [man yawns]
- ...not woke.

Isn't she talking about your boo?

Or is it "bae"?

They're not offish.

[Sam] That's right. Our leader
Troy Fairbanks pardoned Kurt Fletcher

and his clown confederacy.

So what are we gonna wear?

I was thinking something
very breast-forward.

[Sam] And speaking
of sleepwalkers,

we can't forget about
one Colandrea Conners.

[Coco] These people don't give a fuck
about no Harriet motherfucking Tubman.

♪ Motherfucking Tubman
Want lips, tans, asses ♪

♪ Go ahead
Motherfucking Tubman ♪

♪ Want lips, tans, asses ♪

- [silverware clanks]
- This bitch Auto-Tuned me?

♪ Motherfucking Tubman ♪

[chuckles]

Oh, look, it's Coco
and the marshmallows.

Normally, I wouldn't dignify
your rants with a response,

but today your entry-level black rage

is particularly galling, Rosa Sparks.

Tell me... is using your radio show

to drag other black women

part of your revolution?

If it brings truth to the masses, yes.

I drags who needs dragging.

Imagine the reaction

if your divisive revolutionary drivel

were coming from the
mouth of a real sister.

[laughs] A real sister?

You get away with murder because
you look more like them than I do.

That's your light-skin privilege.

Until you acknowledge that,

shut the fuck up

about who's woke or not.

[sighs] I thought she was
gonna call Sam the N-word.

I can't believe you
guys were ever friends.

[thunder rumbles]

[chattering]

No. This has to be a mistake.

I-I requested Bechet

or Waller or any house
other than Armstrong-Parker.

I literally took a Sharpie
and redacted it from the page.

Trust me, you'll love
it... or not. Next.

[sighs]

- Black person!
- Hi.

Hi, I'm Samantha.

You got Armstrong-Parker, too?

It seems that way.

Colandrea, but friends call me Coco.

Colandrea's so pretty, though.

[sighs]

How are you not excited?

Armstrong-Parker is like
a mini Hillman College.

I don't know.

I was hoping to live somewhere
where the guys wouldn't be like,

"Yo, breezie, you kind of
pretty for a dark-skinned girl,"

which is so sweet, very Pablo Neruda.

[laughs]

Not sweeter than "zebra"
or "half-breed," but sweet.

[inhales deeply]

AP House is different.

- [thunder rumbles]
- You're gonna love it, trust me.

Shit.

[sighs]

Here you go. Let's get you inside.

Can't let this beautiful
chocolate melt in the rain.

I'm Troy. And I basically
grew up here, so...

if you need anything, I'm your man.

[Coco] What about Professor
Jackson's lazy eye, though?

I mean, I can never tell if
he's looking me in the eyes

or at my boobs.

- [Muffy] Oh, it's both.
- Yeah.

[laughing]

Thanks, Reggie, but I only
live one flight up from you.

You really didn't have
to walk me to my room.

Yeah, um, hey,

is your laptop still giving you trouble?

No, it's been working fine since you...

you know, you fixed it, so...

- Bye.
- Okay.

- Ow!
- Uh, he's cute.

Totes cute!

He's also totes avail, so...

you guys can toss a coin.

Oh, he's not exactly my type.

Oh, yeah? What is your type, Muffy?

I'd say I'm a total Franco chaser.

You know, the chiseled, sandy hair.

- Mm-hmm.
- Goofy, but secret smart.

What's your type, Sam?

Keep in mind, Malcolm X is dead,

and DeRay McKesson is strictly dickly.

- [laughs]
- Um...

I like my men like my coffee...

full-bodied and preferably
with Kenyan origins.

Okay, can I ask a dumb
white-girl question?

Um, if I said I only dated white guys,

that'd be racist, right?

Uh, I'm sorry. Is there a
secret black Franco brother?

- [laughing]
- I'm just saying it's a type, not a rule.

Right, look, there are
aspects of my experience

that no matter how hard they try,

a white guy could never understand.

Also, pink dicks just look weird to me.

All dicks look weird, though.

- [laughing]
- Right?

Drake could get it, though.

Oh, how about that Jesse Williams?

Oh, he is such a hottie.

I nicknamed my vibrator Idris.

[laughing]

[Sam] Dear white people,
having a black vibrator

does not count as an
interracial relationship.

[laughs] "Dear white people,"

dating a black guy to
piss off your parents

doesn't make you down...
it makes you an asshole.

[laughs] Dear white people, no,

you cannot take me home to meet
your parents for Thanksgiving.

If you need a prop to prove
how cultured you've become,

get a handbag.

Oh, my God, tell me why Muffy
invited me home the day after we met.

- Mm-mm. That's your crew.
- [sighs]

If eight years of private
school taught me anything,

it's that you got to join 'em early.

Besides, they mean well.

[laughs] Let you tell it.

I mean, how is Do the Right Thing

not in the canon of film?

Look at this.

David Lynch,

Mike Nichols, Woody Allen,

white, white, white.

This is bullshit.

Why are we at the reject table?

I mean, it's almost Thanksgiving

and still no burn from
not one of these guys.

They're all too busy with
their Alpha Delta Rhos.

Girl, relax, it ain't that deep.

These things just take time.

AP's a really inclusive place.

[tray thuds loudly]

Excuse me, this table's reserved
for the Black Student Union.

We were just leaving anyway.

Okay.

Bye.

What the fuck?

What if I wanted to join them?

Why do people always
assume I'm not down?

Dear half-white person,

you're just not black
enough for the Union.

- Tsk.
- [laughs]

- Just kidding.
- [both laugh]

Hey, are you around tonight?

I feel like hate-watching
Defamation.

Can't. My girls and I are going to the
Midsummer's Night Dream party.

Stop it. That thing where the
freshmen girls wander around outside

waiting for a senior to date-rape them?

Waiting for a senior to kiss them.

You're confusing it with The
Taming of the Shrew party.

That's next month. [laughs]

[pop music playing]

Gloria Steinem would be
rolling over in her grave

if she saw us here.

Gloria Steinem isn't dead.

[sighs]

Okay, well, what else
were we supposed to do?

Open-mic night?

You want to play darts in the lounge?

Everything we do is on the off
chance it'll help us get laid by a guy

who might make one of us
First fucking Lady someday

so we actually have a
shot at leaving our mark

on this ass-backwards, patriarchal,

corporate republic we call a country.

I took 60 milligrams of Adderall, but
I promise I'm gonna be fine. I just...

I think my heart might explode.

Pull it together, Muffy.

- Okay.
- [man] Hey, you.

Let's go.

Muffy's a low-key freak, y'all.

Yeah, well, I'm a high-key freak,

and I need to get some tonight.

And I broke Idris.

[laughs]

[man] You waiting for me?

Ready?

[man] Hey. Allow me.

Worst night ever.

I know.

It's on every network.

Wait, what? How is that possible?

If you're just tuning in, again,
there will be no indictments

for Officer Stevens
and Lieutenant Smith

in the shooting death of
17-year-old Caleb Jones.

Now, Jones had been stopped by
Stevens and Smith allegedly...

They can't keep doing this to us.

Turn that off. How can
you watch this shit?

[man] As it turns out...

I know it's graphic,
but we got to stay woke.

We can't put our heads in the sand.

I was born woke, Sam.

The shit I saw growing up...

In addition to that,
the police chief,

Peter Austin, now
claiming that his officers

found traces of marijuana
in Jones' jeans pocket.

Of course they did.

And therefore he deserved to die.

I just can't.

[man continues speaking]

[woman] I don't know, guys.
So what do you want to do?

Boycott our classes, a
hunger strike, a sit-in?

These people have convinced themselves

that a sleepover in
the president's office

is going to help Caleb Jones.

How do you know it won't?

Uh...

Hey. Hi.

I'm Sam.

A freshman.

Look, I know we all feel

a little hopeless,

at least I do.

I feel a million miles away from Caleb.

But, y'all, that could
have been any of us.

These aren't freak incidents.

They happen way too often
for us to not do more.

[fingers snapping]

No matter their color,
kids at Winchester

don't think things like this
have anything to do with them.

But we have a responsibility
to make them see it does.

Maybe.

- [applause]
- [clamoring]

[Coco] It's still not
gonna change anything.

[Sam] I wish you'd stop saying that.

[Karen] Sam, is it?

Nice little speech.

And your hair, it's everything.

Where'd you get it?

My head.

Bitch.

Mine too.

Obviously.

What's up, ladies?

What's up, Karen?

Fuckboys. Am I right?

- Everything you say is right.
- I guess.

So... our Alpha Delta Rho
informational is this week.

We're always looking for motivated,

bright young ladies like yourselves.

So better see you bad
chicas there.

Sounds good. Thanks for the invite.

Sure thing. We'll be there.

We will not be there.

[gasps] Bitch, we're going.

You're better than this.

I am not.

What I am is horny as fuck and
too cute to be this pressed.

- Did you see Troy?
- You mean Clarence Thomas?

He was under her spell.

Whatever baby-nectar voodoo shit

the Alpha Deltas are
drinking, I want it.

Can I throw shade the entire time?

You can shade. You cannot read.

Deal.

[squeals] Thank you, thank you.

- [kissing]
- Oh, oh.

Now we got to do something about this.

Ooh!

Afro puffs.

That wasn't a "no."

Ow.

Is this really what you want to do?

[moans]

Beauty is pain.

Do you guys know what you're doing?

Providing a public service.

Where else you gonna get
your hair did around here?

Yeah, black hair matters.

What are your majors?

Neurobiology.

- And yours, Tanika?
- [coughs]

Tanika dropped out last
semester and won't leave.

- Ain't nobody talking to you, Abigail.
- [Coco moans]

Two words... traction alopecia.

Sam, I love you,

but this weave is
going to change my life.

[voice breaking] Now shut
up and hand me an Advil.

Ow.

Ow... ow, ow, ow, ow.

[inhales sharply]

[exhales deeply]

Oh, you think this is funny, bitch?

No, no.

[laughs] A little.

That Advil didn't work.

You think I'll overdose
if I take the whole bottle?

I look too cute to die tonight. [groans]

[exhales deeply]

[inhales deeply] Oh, yeah.

Here...

hit this.

What is this?

This is Goldie.

Goldie, meet Coco.

This is the answer to all of
your weave-related ailments.

From me to my best friend.

Girl, who sold you this?

I don't feel anything.

I feel everything.

[sighs happily]

[breathes deeply]

Oh, yeah, mm-hmm.

This feels so good.

[laughs] Shh.

Keep it down.

People gonna think
we're scissor sisters.

Mmm. [laughs]

Wait, what have you heard?

[laughing]

The extraordinary women
of the Xi Lambda Chapter

of Alpha Delta Rho Sorority Incorporated
aspire to have a positive impact

on local low-income communities

through tutoring, food banks

and clothing drives.

You see, what we want to do...

You know the BSU does the same things,

and we don't adhere to
regressive gender roles.

[whispering] The library's
closed. Shade only.

Oh, look...

to serve the community with these girls,

you only need to pay them
a $1,500 initiation fee.

And what's the fee to get
you to shut the fuck up?

Okay, we got to go in,
and we got to hit hard.

You are the sorriest
bunch of pledges, I swear.

And you...

I gave you one job.

What's listed for Coleman Lounge
for this Sunday at 3:00 p.m.?

BSU fund-raiser.

Shit, I made the request for
Coleman Hall not Coleman Lounge.

Don't worry, Big Sister Too
Fabulous, I'll get it fixed.

You're damn right you will.

Sam, I need your help.

Did you book Coleman Lounge for BSU?

Yeah, we're raising money
for Caleb Jones' family.

I was supposed to reserve
it for the Alpha Delta

Sassy but Classy Etiquette
Tea, but I fucked up and...

"Sassy but Classy"?
That is a terrible name.

Could you possibly find another venue?

We've already sold a bunch of tickets.

And this is kind of my big project.

Can't you have your
sass-tea somewhere else?

Sassy but Classy.

Look, the BSU wants
to make a difference.

We care about things like that.

[Coco] Oh, we do?

Because not that long ago,

BSU didn't want you at their table.

[sighs] You know what?

I'm just trying to wake this campus up.

Sweets, the oppressed
do not get their freedom

by appealing to the
morality of their oppressor.

Ever think of that?
Assata Shakur did, so boom.

Don't Assata Shakur me. I
told you about Assata Shakur.

And what would she say

about you overdrawing your
bank account for a weave?

You have a rat's nest on your head

with a comb sticking out
of it, running around campus

trying to be Miss Blackety Black-Black.

I wanted an avant-garde
look, like Solange...

something that says, "I'm woke,

but I'll also kick your
ass in an elevator."

Dear white people, let me
tell you about yourselves

when I don't even
know who the hell I am.

Oh, I don't know who I am, Colandrea?

No, you don't, but I do.

You're the girl who didn't learn
she was black until Beth Wheeler

left you out of her
second-grade sleepover

'cause you'd be "the only one."

That is the last time I share
a personal story with you.

Well, you see, with me,
there is no confusion.

People take one look at my skin,

and they assume that I'm
poor or uneducated or ratchet.

So, yeah, I tone it down,

make myself more
palatable, join a sorority.

What's so wrong with that?

[scoffs] Everything.

Dear white people,

you made me hate myself as a kid,

so now I hate you, and
that's my secret shame.

Dear white people, if you
wanted to demoralize us

with your European beauty standards,

mission accomplished.

Ooh, ow, ooh, ow.

Dear white people, you're a selfish bitch,
and I don't want to live with you anymore.

[cell phone ringing]

[sighs]

Greetings, Big Sister Too Fabulous.

No man can resist you.
How may I assist you?

Of course. I'll see you in two shakes.

"Of course. I'll see you in two shakes."

[Karen] She gots all the hair.

[Tracey] Miss Chicago,
queen of Hyde Park.

[Karen] She told me
she was from Evanston.

[scoffs] She just gets
farther and farther north.

She gonna be Canadian by Christmas.

[Elizabeth] I wish we
had gotten that chick Sam.

That girl's gonna change the world.

[Karen] Mm, yes.

- [laughing]
- I know, right?

- [items clatter]
- Sisterhood, huh?

Tracey, you got an 850 on your SATs.

If you weren't legacy,
you'd be a flight attendant

on Spirit Airlines.

Elizabeth, your underarms
are not your strong suit,

and Mike dumped you 'cause
you smell like slave socks.

And, Karen,

you're a fucking slut.

You fuck so many horny freshmen

your pussy's got a
four-star rating on Yelp.

And you can have this back

'cause I damn sure don't need it.

And I'm taking this 'cause
laundry detergent costs a grip.

[scoffs]

[chattering]

[Sam] Now, I know it sounds extreme,

but my thinking is we
should go to the office

and we should... [grunts]
bang the door down.

[chattering continues]

[hip-hop music playing]

This place is so VIP.

It feels like any moment,

they're gonna tell us what
actually happened to JFK.

I've always wondered how the
1%'s offspring amuse themselves.

Oh, well, the guys, they...

they invent these secret clubs,

and then they host hot girls
like us in their mansions

so they can do cocaine
and make flimsy promises.

- Mm.
- Oh, I'm having the best time.

- [chuckles]
- [mouths word]

I almost panicked.

I thought the two prettiest
girls left the party.

Yeah, the hot quotient dropped by
12 the second you guys disappeared.

- Oh, Chad, you're incorrigible.
- Thank you so much.

[Karen] Hey, Coco.

Hey, gorgeous.

Coco, get us in.

Who is that?

Only the head of the biggest
black sorority on campus.

I can't believe she can't get in.

Karen, I'll be right down.

[Karen] Coco, I'm so glad you're here.

This guy acts like he
doesn't know who I am.

Well, do you know these girls?

I do!

- [door slams]
- [gasps]

- Oh.
- What?

- [sighs]
- [Muffy] Are you okay?

[inhales deeply]

I just had my first powergasm.

Would you like to have your second?

Oh, okay, how about another drink?

[cell phone buzzes]

[heels clomping]

Um...

No, um...

not while I'm standing here.

"It's my 'light-skinned privilege'
to give you this peace offering.

Sam."

What'd you ever see in Sam?

[kissing]

Fat ass.

I'm kidding.

This is why I don't fuck with niggas.

You're so quick to claim girls like Sam,
but then you hit me with a "come thru."

To think I turned down Chad Townsend V.

He's a fifth.

Girl, who the fuck is Chad Townsend?

I'm not this girl, Troy. Bye.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why don't you come with me to
the football game on Saturday?

President Fletcher will be there,
and my dad thinks I should show face.

So... will you come?

I don't know.

Will I?

♪ Hold me close ♪

♪ I'm wasting away ♪

♪ Hold me close ♪

♪ I'm too fucked to stand ♪

["Precious Possession" playing]

Mmm.

♪ Blank slate, big smile
Nice pout, long hair ♪

♪ Toned thighs, big legs
Full breasts, blank stare ♪

♪ I'm addicted to myself ♪

♪ I'm addicted to my wealth ♪

♪ And lying to myself I am
your precious possession ♪

♪ Put your hands on my face ♪

♪ Put your hands
on my waist ♪

♪ Put your hands on my face ♪

♪ I need your protection ♪

♪ I'm addicted to myself ♪

♪ I'm addicted to my wealth ♪

♪ And lying to myself I am
your precious possession ♪

♪ Put your hands on my face ♪

♪ Put your hands
on my waist ♪

♪ Put your hands on my face ♪

♪ I need your protection ♪

♪ I'm addicted to myself ♪

♪ I'm addicted to my wealth ♪

♪ And lying to myself I am
your precious possession ♪

♪ I'm addicted to myself ♪

♪ I'm addicted to my wealth ♪

♪ And lying to myself ♪

♪ I am your precious
possession ♪

♪ Put your hands on my face ♪

♪ Put your hands
on my waist ♪

♪ Put your hands on my face ♪

♪ I need your protection ♪