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1
00:00:11,965 --> 00:00:14,565
If you're watching this,
then I'm not around anymore.
2
00:00:14,645 --> 00:00:17,605
I couldn't say any of this to your face.
It's too embarrassing.
3
00:00:18,285 --> 00:00:20,285
For you, not for me, obviously.
4
00:00:20,845 --> 00:00:23,085
You're never very good
at hearing how lovely you are.
5
00:00:23,445 --> 00:00:24,405
But you are.
6
00:00:24,485 --> 00:00:25,725
You are. You're lovely.
7
00:00:26,925 --> 00:00:29,005
But you're absolutely fucking useless.
8
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,885
So I thought I'd leave you
a little guide to life without me.
9
00:00:33,965 --> 00:00:35,965
You've gotta turn the alarm off
in the morning, yeah?
10
00:00:36,045 --> 00:00:37,565
If you open the door, it'll set it off,
11
00:00:37,645 --> 00:00:39,765
then the alarm company
think we're getting broken into.
12
00:00:40,245 --> 00:00:42,405
If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.
13
00:00:42,485 --> 00:00:46,325
The number's in your phone under "alarm."
The alarm code is 8645.
14
00:00:46,765 --> 00:00:47,845
That's your PIN code.
15
00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:49,525
You know this.
16
00:00:50,005 --> 00:00:53,165
And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.
17
00:00:53,685 --> 00:00:55,845
And feed the dog, yeah?
18
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:58,285
First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.
19
00:00:58,845 --> 00:01:00,165
And what else?
20
00:01:00,405 --> 00:01:02,405
Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.
21
00:01:02,485 --> 00:01:03,965
Black bin is household waste,
22
00:01:04,045 --> 00:01:05,245
green bin is recy-
23
00:01:26,725 --> 00:01:29,645
♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪
24
00:01:31,845 --> 00:01:34,405
♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪
25
00:01:36,605 --> 00:01:39,125
♪ And somethingwithout warning, love ♪
26
00:01:41,325 --> 00:01:43,605
♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪
27
00:01:45,445 --> 00:01:47,245
♪ Then I look at you ♪
28
00:01:49,125 --> 00:01:51,925
♪ And the world's all right with me ♪
29
00:01:55,205 --> 00:01:56,725
♪ Just one look at you ♪
30
00:01:59,205 --> 00:02:00,725
♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪
31
00:02:04,085 --> 00:02:05,525
♪ A lovely day ♪
32
00:02:05,645 --> 00:02:09,805
♪ Lovely day, lovely day
Lovely day, lovely day ♪
33
00:02:09,884 --> 00:02:12,405
♪ Lovely day, lovely day... ♪
34
00:02:12,485 --> 00:02:14,645
♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪
35
00:02:14,725 --> 00:02:19,645
♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
Lovely day, lovely day ♪
36
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:24,205
♪ Lovely day, lovely day,
Lovely day, lovely day... ♪
37
00:02:36,325 --> 00:02:37,245
Where's your bowl?
38
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:39,525
There it is.
39
00:02:42,925 --> 00:02:44,325
Oh, fuck!
40
00:02:49,405 --> 00:02:51,205
No dog food.
41
00:02:52,285 --> 00:02:53,845
Baked beans or vegetable curry?
42
00:02:55,885 --> 00:02:56,805
Thought so.
43
00:02:58,045 --> 00:02:59,045
Oh, sorry.
44
00:02:59,925 --> 00:03:01,725
I'll get you some real food later.
45
00:03:14,085 --> 00:03:15,165
Fuckin' hell.
46
00:03:17,285 --> 00:03:18,805
Vegetable curry for me then.
47
00:03:20,245 --> 00:03:21,085
Oh!
48
00:03:35,925 --> 00:03:37,445
.Hello.
- Hello.
49
00:03:37,925 --> 00:03:39,245
I'm starting here today.
50
00:03:39,325 --> 00:03:41,045
I'm starting work here today.
51
00:03:41,125 --> 00:03:42,885
Okay. Do you have a name?
52
00:03:43,085 --> 00:03:44,725
Yes. Sandy.
53
00:03:45,045 --> 00:03:47,005
No, I mean,
who are you meant to meet here?
54
00:03:47,605 --> 00:03:48,605
Who hired you?
55
00:03:48,685 --> 00:03:50,165
Oh. Mr. Braden.
56
00:04:07,245 --> 00:04:08,325
Come here. Good girl.
57
00:04:09,765 --> 00:04:11,405
Your dog should be on a lead.
58
00:04:11,765 --> 00:04:13,285
- What?
- Dogs should be on a lead.
59
00:04:13,405 --> 00:04:15,485
Can't you read? The park's for everyone.
60
00:04:16,445 --> 00:04:17,524
Oh, right. Oh, sorry.
61
00:04:17,605 --> 00:04:18,964
Thank you. Come here, girl.
62
00:04:19,045 --> 00:04:19,885
Come here.
63
00:04:21,005 --> 00:04:24,885
What?! He is not a fat, hairy,
nosy cocksucker.
64
00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:26,205
Bad girl, Brandy.
65
00:04:26,285 --> 00:04:27,605
Sorry about that.
66
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:29,405
- Disgusting.
- See you later.
67
00:04:51,685 --> 00:04:52,925
Good girl.
68
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:26,685
Right.
69
00:05:31,445 --> 00:05:32,765
I've gotta go to work.
70
00:05:33,445 --> 00:05:34,685
See you later.
71
00:05:36,045 --> 00:05:37,525
I'll bring you some food.
72
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,445
Good girl. Good girl.
73
00:05:39,525 --> 00:05:40,645
Good girl.
74
00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:52,165
Here you go.
75
00:05:52,245 --> 00:05:53,205
What?
76
00:05:53,845 --> 00:05:54,805
It's your post.
77
00:05:55,285 --> 00:05:56,325
Put it through the door.
78
00:05:56,925 --> 00:05:58,925
Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.
79
00:06:00,045 --> 00:06:02,285
- I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
- Why not?
80
00:06:03,285 --> 00:06:04,445
You're new, aren't you?
81
00:06:04,525 --> 00:06:05,605
Yeah, I was transferred...
82
00:06:05,685 --> 00:06:06,925
No, I don't care.
83
00:06:07,205 --> 00:06:10,165
Presumably in your old round, you put
things through the door, didn't you?
84
00:06:10,245 --> 00:06:11,765
Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.
85
00:06:11,845 --> 00:06:14,005
- Why are you talking to me like this?
- Will you report me?
86
00:06:14,085 --> 00:06:15,565
Yeah. What's your name?
87
00:06:16,685 --> 00:06:17,525
You'll laugh.
88
00:06:17,605 --> 00:06:18,445
Trust me.
89
00:06:21,045 --> 00:06:21,885
It's Pat.
90
00:06:22,285 --> 00:06:23,165
Postman Pat?
91
00:06:23,245 --> 00:06:24,085
Yeah.
92
00:06:25,245 --> 00:06:26,525
Put it through the door.
93
00:06:36,005 --> 00:06:37,365
That was easy, wasn't it?
94
00:06:37,445 --> 00:06:39,245
- You could've done that.
- No, I couldn't.
95
00:06:39,325 --> 00:06:40,565
- Why not?
- I'm not a postman.
96
00:06:42,245 --> 00:06:43,085
Go on.
97
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:53,565
Hi, George.
98
00:06:54,405 --> 00:06:55,325
Hi.
99
00:06:55,725 --> 00:06:56,685
Who's that?
100
00:06:56,925 --> 00:06:57,805
He's my uncle.
101
00:06:58,685 --> 00:06:59,805
Pedo!
102
00:07:00,205 --> 00:07:01,045
What?
103
00:07:01,125 --> 00:07:02,005
Pedo!
104
00:07:03,525 --> 00:07:04,685
I'm not a pedo.
105
00:07:04,765 --> 00:07:07,045
And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.
106
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:12,565
Welcome.
107
00:07:12,645 --> 00:07:13,725
Great to have you.
108
00:07:13,805 --> 00:07:16,325
I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?
109
00:07:16,405 --> 00:07:18,165
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Great place to work, this.
110
00:07:18,245 --> 00:07:21,285
Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.
111
00:07:21,365 --> 00:07:23,365
Really excellent bunch of people.
112
00:07:24,245 --> 00:07:25,165
Hard working.
113
00:07:25,885 --> 00:07:28,765
It's very rewarding as well.
You get to go out into the community.
114
00:07:29,165 --> 00:07:32,605
And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,
115
00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,765
erm... entertainment, finance.
116
00:07:36,845 --> 00:07:37,885
So, yeah.
117
00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:39,445
Kath does the advertising.
118
00:07:39,765 --> 00:07:42,525
Be nice to her, and she might take you
to the opening of a new restaurant,
119
00:07:42,605 --> 00:07:44,285
give you a free meal.
120
00:07:44,365 --> 00:07:46,245
Lenny does all the photography,
121
00:07:46,325 --> 00:07:47,725
so if you're interested in that...
122
00:07:47,805 --> 00:07:49,925
Everyone chips in on everything, really.
123
00:07:50,005 --> 00:07:52,365
So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?
124
00:07:52,445 --> 00:07:53,965
Writing features.
125
00:07:54,045 --> 00:07:55,085
Perfect. That's great.
126
00:07:55,205 --> 00:07:56,565
You'll definitely do that here.
127
00:07:57,045 --> 00:07:59,045
Lots of features. Sky's the limit.
128
00:07:59,485 --> 00:08:00,325
Erm...
129
00:08:01,005 --> 00:08:02,605
Tony's the head of features.
130
00:08:02,685 --> 00:08:03,605
He's not here.
131
00:08:04,445 --> 00:08:05,605
He's a very good writer.
132
00:08:05,685 --> 00:08:08,325
Very smart, very experienced,
good guy. Erm...
133
00:08:10,605 --> 00:08:12,885
He's not himself at the minute,
to be honest.
134
00:08:13,245 --> 00:08:14,965
He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...
135
00:08:15,925 --> 00:08:18,085
His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.
136
00:08:18,485 --> 00:08:21,245
Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,
137
00:08:22,045 --> 00:08:22,965
who died.
138
00:08:24,685 --> 00:08:25,565
Cancer.
139
00:08:27,405 --> 00:08:29,525
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
140
00:08:30,005 --> 00:08:32,005
And he was obviously devastated.
141
00:08:33,125 --> 00:08:34,245
Err... suicidal.
142
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,605
Right.
143
00:08:37,924 --> 00:08:39,885
I should warn you, he might...
144
00:08:39,965 --> 00:08:41,965
say a few things that are a bit...
145
00:08:42,325 --> 00:08:43,245
err...
146
00:08:43,485 --> 00:08:44,325
brutal...
147
00:08:45,045 --> 00:08:48,205
at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.
148
00:08:48,805 --> 00:08:51,205
I mean, you will be
working closely with him.
149
00:08:52,565 --> 00:08:53,405
Anyway, err...
150
00:08:53,685 --> 00:08:55,165
have fun.
151
00:08:56,765 --> 00:08:57,685
Thanks.
152
00:08:58,925 --> 00:08:59,805
So, how are you?
153
00:09:01,005 --> 00:09:02,005
Same.
154
00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:03,885
Bad then?
155
00:09:04,125 --> 00:09:06,165
I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.
156
00:09:06,605 --> 00:09:08,685
But I guess a good day
157
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,565
is when I don't go around
158
00:09:10,645 --> 00:09:12,845
wanting to shoot random strangers
in the face
159
00:09:12,925 --> 00:09:14,525
and then turn the gun on myself.
160
00:09:21,045 --> 00:09:22,445
One of my clients
161
00:09:22,965 --> 00:09:25,565
fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...
162
00:09:26,525 --> 00:09:28,045
...when he's masturbating.
163
00:09:28,805 --> 00:09:30,045
Why are you telling me that?
164
00:09:30,125 --> 00:09:31,205
I didn't say his name.
165
00:09:31,285 --> 00:09:32,805
No, I know, but...
166
00:09:32,885 --> 00:09:33,765
how does that help me?
167
00:09:35,445 --> 00:09:36,565
I dunno.
168
00:09:37,485 --> 00:09:40,245
I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.
169
00:09:41,125 --> 00:09:41,965
Only what?
170
00:09:42,045 --> 00:09:43,845
Well, the only mental case out there.
171
00:09:44,565 --> 00:09:45,845
I mean, y'know...
172
00:09:47,245 --> 00:09:49,405
the only guy with mental problems.
173
00:09:49,925 --> 00:09:51,525
- I've got problems.
- Go on.
174
00:09:51,605 --> 00:09:53,285
God, man, where do I start?
175
00:09:53,925 --> 00:09:56,045
Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...
176
00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:01,365
- Morning.
- Morning.
177
00:10:01,925 --> 00:10:04,645
Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.
178
00:10:05,445 --> 00:10:06,965
Hardly scarred for life.
179
00:10:07,045 --> 00:10:08,245
She's 93.
180
00:10:08,805 --> 00:10:11,525
If she lives to 100, she's only been
scarred for seven percent of her life.
181
00:10:21,165 --> 00:10:22,165
You're late.
182
00:10:22,725 --> 00:10:23,605
You're boring.
183
00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:24,925
You're joking, aren't you?
184
00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:26,685
I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?
185
00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:28,245
It's distribution day.
186
00:10:28,325 --> 00:10:31,325
No, I mean, why would you think
I was joking about you being boring?
187
00:10:31,405 --> 00:10:33,925
Have you got a... counterargument or...
188
00:10:35,485 --> 00:10:38,045
- Why do you let him get away with this?
- I don't.
189
00:10:38,125 --> 00:10:39,685
Tony, come on. What's going on?
190
00:10:40,565 --> 00:10:43,285
We're putting out a free local newspaper
that no one cares about.
191
00:10:43,365 --> 00:10:45,245
No, that's not true.
192
00:10:45,325 --> 00:10:47,085
And that's not wh...
Can you come in my office?
193
00:10:47,445 --> 00:10:48,285
Sure.
194
00:10:48,365 --> 00:10:51,485
A lot of people rely on our paper.
Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?
195
00:10:52,165 --> 00:10:53,445
Back to work, everyone.
196
00:10:55,965 --> 00:10:57,005
What do you want me to say?
197
00:10:57,085 --> 00:11:00,445
That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up?
'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.
198
00:11:01,125 --> 00:11:03,205
Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,
199
00:11:03,285 --> 00:11:05,485
- okay, since you lost Lisa.
- Do you reckon...
200
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,165
my wife dying affected me a bit?
201
00:11:07,245 --> 00:11:10,045
Of course, and you know I get that.
I even told Sandy about it.
202
00:11:10,285 --> 00:11:12,485
- Who's Sandy?
- The new girl.
203
00:11:12,565 --> 00:11:14,325
I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.
204
00:11:14,725 --> 00:11:16,285
I had to say something.
205
00:11:16,925 --> 00:11:19,485
Look, I just need a bit of professionalism
around here, okay, Tony.
206
00:11:19,565 --> 00:11:20,485
- Please?
- No.
207
00:11:20,565 --> 00:11:22,125
I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
208
00:11:22,205 --> 00:11:24,045
You can't just go around
being rude to people.
209
00:11:24,125 --> 00:11:24,965
You can, though.
210
00:11:25,445 --> 00:11:26,605
That's the beauty of it.
211
00:11:27,045 --> 00:11:29,885
There's no advantage
to being nice and thoughtful
212
00:11:29,965 --> 00:11:32,005
and caring and having integrity.
213
00:11:32,085 --> 00:11:33,925
It's a disadvantage, if anything.
214
00:11:34,005 --> 00:11:36,645
Well, if you carry on like this,
I might have to let you go.
215
00:11:36,725 --> 00:11:37,605
No, you won't.
216
00:11:38,205 --> 00:11:40,645
You won't, that's what I'm saying,
'cause you're a nice bloke.
217
00:11:40,725 --> 00:11:42,685
So I'll take advantage of you,
218
00:11:42,765 --> 00:11:44,045
like everyone else does here.
219
00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:45,805
- You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
- What?
220
00:11:45,885 --> 00:11:47,725
You'll give me another warning.
I'll ignore it.
221
00:11:47,805 --> 00:11:49,445
I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.
222
00:11:49,525 --> 00:11:51,885
Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.
223
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,445
The girls here have discovered
224
00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:57,485
that you won't even question
"women's problems."
225
00:11:57,565 --> 00:11:59,405
Kath's had three periods this month.
226
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,685
She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.
227
00:12:01,765 --> 00:12:04,165
She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.
228
00:12:04,245 --> 00:12:06,685
So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.
229
00:12:06,765 --> 00:12:07,845
Why would you wanna do that?
230
00:12:07,925 --> 00:12:10,205
Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?
231
00:12:10,285 --> 00:12:12,365
There's only one thing
that'd make me better and happy,
232
00:12:12,445 --> 00:12:14,965
and that's Lisa being around,
and that can't happen.
233
00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:17,805
So that's why I nearly killed myself
straight away.
234
00:12:17,885 --> 00:12:20,485
Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?
235
00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:23,685
So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.
236
00:12:23,765 --> 00:12:25,125
The look on the dog's face.
237
00:12:25,845 --> 00:12:28,085
She was hungry,
so I thought I'd better feed her.
238
00:12:28,365 --> 00:12:29,845
It gave me time to think,
239
00:12:29,925 --> 00:12:31,165
"I should be dead now."
240
00:12:31,245 --> 00:12:32,165
I didn't care.
241
00:12:32,245 --> 00:12:33,685
So, everything's a bonus.
242
00:12:34,685 --> 00:12:36,205
If I become an arsehole,
243
00:12:36,285 --> 00:12:39,005
and I do and say what the fuck I want
244
00:12:39,085 --> 00:12:40,445
for as long as I want,
245
00:12:40,525 --> 00:12:42,045
and then when it all gets too much,
246
00:12:42,125 --> 00:12:43,445
I can always kill myself.
247
00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:44,965
It's like a superpower.
248
00:12:45,205 --> 00:12:47,605
That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.
249
00:12:48,525 --> 00:12:49,685
That's the way it is now.
250
00:12:49,765 --> 00:12:50,845
So what? So...
251
00:12:52,245 --> 00:12:55,845
My job now is to make you happy
before you kill yourself?
252
00:12:55,925 --> 00:12:58,605
That's like a constant ticking clock
for me now, is it?
253
00:12:58,685 --> 00:12:59,725
If you like.
254
00:12:59,805 --> 00:13:01,085
Well, I don't like.
255
00:13:01,165 --> 00:13:03,205
Anyway, that's the way it is.
256
00:13:03,645 --> 00:13:05,565
Okay, well,
I'm glad we had this chat.
257
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:07,085
Yeah, very constructive.
258
00:13:08,725 --> 00:13:09,845
All right, erm...
259
00:13:10,645 --> 00:13:12,645
So this is... This is Sandy.
260
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:16,165
She's just started today.
It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,
261
00:13:16,245 --> 00:13:18,205
she's gonna be working under you.
If you could...
262
00:13:18,285 --> 00:13:19,885
show her the ropes, tell her what's what.
263
00:13:21,645 --> 00:13:23,325
Here's what's what...
264
00:13:23,725 --> 00:13:25,165
humanity is a plague.
265
00:13:25,245 --> 00:13:29,165
We're a disgusting, narcissistic,
selfish parasite,
266
00:13:29,445 --> 00:13:31,525
and the world would be
a better place without us.
267
00:13:31,605 --> 00:13:33,805
It should be everyone's moral duty
to kill themselves.
268
00:13:33,885 --> 00:13:36,445
I could do it now.
Quite happily just go upstairs,
269
00:13:36,525 --> 00:13:37,765
jump off the roof,
270
00:13:37,845 --> 00:13:40,325
and make sure I landed
on some cunt from accounts.
271
00:13:41,005 --> 00:13:42,485
That the sort of thing...
272
00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:44,605
you meant?
273
00:13:44,685 --> 00:13:45,685
No.
274
00:13:46,605 --> 00:13:47,965
Just, erm... ignore that.
275
00:13:48,445 --> 00:13:50,765
Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?
276
00:13:50,845 --> 00:13:51,845
Sure thing.
277
00:13:51,925 --> 00:13:53,725
Gotta get the papers out.
Thank you.
278
00:13:53,805 --> 00:13:56,045
- You showing her the ropes, yeah?
- Big time.
279
00:13:56,165 --> 00:13:57,405
Can I guess the bullet points?
280
00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:00,005
Get in.
281
00:14:00,845 --> 00:14:02,045
Eat in front of the computer.
282
00:14:02,285 --> 00:14:03,125
Go to the pub.
283
00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:04,485
Eat in front of the quiz machine.
284
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:05,725
Go home.
285
00:14:05,805 --> 00:14:07,125
Eat in front of the telly.
286
00:14:07,445 --> 00:14:09,205
Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?
287
00:14:09,605 --> 00:14:11,565
I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.
288
00:14:15,805 --> 00:14:17,245
I've gotta go.
289
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,045
Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?
290
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,125
Yes, please.
291
00:14:26,125 --> 00:14:28,205
Do you mind him talking to you like that?
292
00:14:28,525 --> 00:14:29,485
Nah, he's a mate.
293
00:14:30,005 --> 00:14:31,205
It distracts him.
294
00:14:32,445 --> 00:14:34,845
You don't take any shit off him,
all right?
295
00:14:35,205 --> 00:14:37,805
I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.
296
00:14:38,685 --> 00:14:39,965
- Julian?
- Yeah.
297
00:14:40,125 --> 00:14:41,765
We've had a few calls
from people
298
00:14:41,845 --> 00:14:44,405
saying that their building didn't get
any papers delivered.
299
00:14:44,485 --> 00:14:45,525
Ah.
300
00:14:45,605 --> 00:14:47,765
Okay, look, that's weird
'cause I definitely
301
00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:48,965
delivered them all.
302
00:14:49,765 --> 00:14:52,965
You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?
303
00:14:53,045 --> 00:14:54,365
You can't just leave them outside.
304
00:14:54,445 --> 00:14:57,045
A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.
305
00:14:57,125 --> 00:14:58,325
Yeah, I know that, boss.
306
00:14:58,405 --> 00:15:00,405
I will be extra careful with these.
307
00:15:01,765 --> 00:15:02,605
Okay.
308
00:15:03,445 --> 00:15:05,525
Can I get paid now?
309
00:15:08,885 --> 00:15:10,325
You will do a good job, won't you?
310
00:15:10,405 --> 00:15:11,845
You can trust me, yeah.
311
00:15:12,805 --> 00:15:14,485
- Thirty-five pounds, right?
- Yeah.
312
00:15:14,845 --> 00:15:15,885
All right. Cheers.
313
00:15:15,965 --> 00:15:16,925
Okay.
314
00:15:26,245 --> 00:15:27,325
Hot date?
315
00:15:29,525 --> 00:15:30,445
Sorry, what?
316
00:15:31,005 --> 00:15:32,005
Just saw you washing
317
00:15:32,325 --> 00:15:34,085
in a puddle from a drain,
318
00:15:34,165 --> 00:15:36,245
and I wondered
if it was a special occasion.
319
00:15:36,805 --> 00:15:37,805
Not really, no.
320
00:15:38,925 --> 00:15:42,085
Gonna buy drugs with that
and dump the papers in the skip?
321
00:15:43,365 --> 00:15:44,205
Well,
322
00:15:44,285 --> 00:15:46,685
I should probably dump them first,
then buy the drugs.
323
00:15:46,765 --> 00:15:48,765
I'll forget otherwise, won't I?
324
00:16:19,365 --> 00:16:20,525
Where's Lisa?
325
00:16:23,245 --> 00:16:24,445
She's dead, Dad.
326
00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:26,325
Remember?
327
00:16:27,125 --> 00:16:28,485
She died earlier this year.
328
00:16:29,925 --> 00:16:31,525
She was here this morning.
329
00:16:32,605 --> 00:16:33,805
No, she wasn't.
330
00:16:35,965 --> 00:16:36,805
Hi.
331
00:16:37,525 --> 00:16:38,365
Hi.
332
00:16:39,325 --> 00:16:40,485
Right.
333
00:16:42,205 --> 00:16:44,205
Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?
334
00:16:46,925 --> 00:16:48,805
If it was a dog, you'd put it down.
335
00:16:49,925 --> 00:16:50,805
It?
336
00:16:51,365 --> 00:16:53,045
I was sort of being nice, that...
337
00:16:54,365 --> 00:16:55,645
I feel sorry for him.
338
00:16:58,925 --> 00:17:00,925
Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?
339
00:17:02,205 --> 00:17:03,605
I worry when they cry.
340
00:17:05,685 --> 00:17:08,724
We say there's nothing going on inside
to make ourselves feel better,
341
00:17:08,805 --> 00:17:10,765
but there's definitely something going on.
342
00:17:11,244 --> 00:17:12,085
Hey?
343
00:17:15,925 --> 00:17:17,005
You married?
344
00:17:18,925 --> 00:17:20,365
No time for that.
345
00:17:21,444 --> 00:17:23,005
I'll give you a good seeing to.
346
00:17:23,444 --> 00:17:24,365
I'm sorry.
347
00:17:24,805 --> 00:17:25,724
It's all right.
348
00:17:27,525 --> 00:17:29,165
Never heard any complaints.
349
00:17:30,325 --> 00:17:31,725
Kept the wife happy.
350
00:17:36,325 --> 00:17:37,685
I've gotta go.
351
00:17:40,245 --> 00:17:41,165
See you later.
352
00:17:41,525 --> 00:17:42,485
See you, Dad.
353
00:17:43,805 --> 00:17:45,125
Bring Lisa with you.
354
00:17:45,485 --> 00:17:46,525
Fuck me!
355
00:17:46,925 --> 00:17:48,085
Yeah, all right.
356
00:17:48,165 --> 00:17:49,525
Jesus Christ!
357
00:17:51,485 --> 00:17:52,325
Good girl.
358
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:00,765
Ah, fuckin' hell.
359
00:18:03,765 --> 00:18:04,765
No bowls.
360
00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:06,645
Fuck's sake.
361
00:18:23,845 --> 00:18:26,205
No fuckin' milk!
362
00:18:48,645 --> 00:18:50,085
Don't wallow, hey?
363
00:18:50,165 --> 00:18:51,365
Stay active.
364
00:18:52,045 --> 00:18:53,725
And keep our house tidy.
365
00:18:54,085 --> 00:18:55,165
Our lovely house.
366
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,925
And don't get drunk all the time,
all right?
367
00:18:59,325 --> 00:19:01,565
'Cause it'll only make you feel worse
in the long run.
368
00:19:02,125 --> 00:19:03,205
I'm not a doctor,
369
00:19:03,285 --> 00:19:05,685
but I have spoken to loads of 'em
over the last few months,
370
00:19:05,765 --> 00:19:09,845
and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.
371
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:14,085
If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,
372
00:19:14,165 --> 00:19:15,085
it don't build up.
373
00:19:15,645 --> 00:19:17,605
And change the salt every now and then.
374
00:19:17,685 --> 00:19:18,965
The salt's in the garage.
375
00:19:19,445 --> 00:19:22,125
The garage is that massive thing
on the side of the 'ouse.
376
00:19:28,765 --> 00:19:30,765
Oh, fuck's sake.
377
00:19:32,325 --> 00:19:33,525
You all right, yeah?
378
00:19:34,125 --> 00:19:35,325
I was worried about you.
379
00:19:35,765 --> 00:19:37,525
- Why?
- What do you mean, "why"?
380
00:19:37,605 --> 00:19:39,365
Because you always talk about
killing yourself.
381
00:19:40,165 --> 00:19:42,645
Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.
382
00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:45,485
Come to the pub.
Me and Len are going for lunch.
383
00:19:45,565 --> 00:19:46,885
No, I've had lunch.
384
00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:47,805
Come on.
385
00:19:48,085 --> 00:19:49,765
- We used to go to the pub all the time.
- No!
386
00:19:49,845 --> 00:19:52,285
Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.
387
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,405
Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.
388
00:19:54,925 --> 00:19:56,085
It'll do you good.
389
00:19:56,365 --> 00:19:58,565
Come on, please.
All journalists go to the pub for lunch.
390
00:19:58,645 --> 00:19:59,805
We're not journalists.
391
00:19:59,885 --> 00:20:01,805
We are journalists.
We work for a newspaper.
392
00:20:02,165 --> 00:20:05,205
Yeah, and that newspaper
is used to line cat litter trays
393
00:20:05,285 --> 00:20:07,005
by old ladies, once a week.
394
00:20:07,525 --> 00:20:09,085
And they read it before they do that.
395
00:20:09,165 --> 00:20:10,405
- We're not journalists.
- We are.
396
00:20:10,485 --> 00:20:11,845
- We're journalists.
- No, we're not.
397
00:20:11,925 --> 00:20:12,925
- Yes, we are.
- Not.
398
00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,365
- Stop saying that. We are.
- Not.
399
00:20:14,445 --> 00:20:15,885
Fuckin' hell!
400
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,165
Can you hear that?
401
00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:21,685
Fuckin' fat cunt
eating like a fuckin' slug.
402
00:20:22,645 --> 00:20:25,165
- Doing my fuckin' head in.
- All right.
403
00:20:25,565 --> 00:20:27,245
Why don't you throw yourself
into your work?
404
00:20:27,325 --> 00:20:29,085
I can't concentrate with that...
405
00:20:29,205 --> 00:20:31,085
They're crisps. They're crunchy.
406
00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,525
But why does he have to do all that
"mm mmm"?
407
00:20:36,285 --> 00:20:37,325
Well, this is fun.
408
00:20:37,405 --> 00:20:38,325
Told you.
409
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:39,845
You told me? Great.
410
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:41,845
Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?
411
00:20:41,925 --> 00:20:43,885
And do you think that might be you
on this occasion?
412
00:20:43,965 --> 00:20:45,085
No.
413
00:20:45,165 --> 00:20:47,805
Look, just ignore him, okay.
414
00:20:47,885 --> 00:20:50,365
As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?
415
00:20:50,445 --> 00:20:51,845
It's what depressed people do.
416
00:20:51,925 --> 00:20:52,805
Sometimes.
417
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:55,565
It's hard for me to throw myself
into my work, when my work
418
00:20:55,645 --> 00:20:58,365
is often talking to a plumber
on the estate
419
00:20:58,445 --> 00:21:00,965
who's grown a potato
that looks like Lionel Richie.
420
00:21:01,045 --> 00:21:02,285
That made the front cover.
421
00:21:02,365 --> 00:21:03,525
It did look like him, though.
422
00:21:03,605 --> 00:21:04,765
Actually, this is a good time.
423
00:21:04,845 --> 00:21:06,525
We've got some exciting leads
at the moment.
424
00:21:06,605 --> 00:21:07,725
- Leads?
- Yeah.
425
00:21:07,805 --> 00:21:09,445
Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?
426
00:21:09,525 --> 00:21:10,925
- They are leads.
- Go on. What leads?
427
00:21:11,005 --> 00:21:12,645
- What "leads" do we have?
- All right.
428
00:21:12,725 --> 00:21:14,605
A woman called us,
when she drags her dustbin
429
00:21:14,685 --> 00:21:16,045
it sounds like Chewbacca.
430
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:20,245
- No.
- No? All right.
431
00:21:20,325 --> 00:21:22,285
Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.
432
00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:25,485
And she wasn't before.
433
00:21:26,405 --> 00:21:27,645
No, I get the angle.
434
00:21:27,725 --> 00:21:31,045
Man who got sent
the same birthday card five times.
435
00:21:31,125 --> 00:21:32,325
- Really?
- Really?
436
00:21:32,405 --> 00:21:34,685
- Yeah.
- Right, let's get to the bottom of that
437
00:21:34,765 --> 00:21:35,885
ASAP.
438
00:21:36,925 --> 00:21:38,365
Well, yes. Why don't you?
439
00:21:38,445 --> 00:21:39,885
'Cause that is your job.
440
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,045
- I know.
- Yeah.
441
00:21:48,045 --> 00:21:49,325
Ring the doorbell.
442
00:21:54,205 --> 00:21:55,085
You disgusting...
443
00:21:55,165 --> 00:21:56,805
I didn't wanna do it
in his house.
444
00:21:56,885 --> 00:21:58,645
Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.
445
00:21:58,765 --> 00:22:00,165
- Hello.
- Don't come out. This fat cunt's
446
00:22:00,245 --> 00:22:01,725
- shat himself.
- Are you from the paper?
447
00:22:01,805 --> 00:22:03,125
Yeah. Leave him there for a while.
448
00:22:03,205 --> 00:22:04,445
You fuckin' pig.
449
00:22:10,645 --> 00:22:12,245
When I got the first one,
I thought,
450
00:22:12,325 --> 00:22:14,405
"That's a nice card."
451
00:22:14,845 --> 00:22:18,405
And then I got the second, and I thought,
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"
452
00:22:18,725 --> 00:22:20,965
But then when I got the third,
453
00:22:21,405 --> 00:22:23,525
I thought,
"Well, what are the chances of that?"
454
00:22:23,605 --> 00:22:24,805
Astronomical.
455
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:25,845
And then the fourth...
456
00:22:26,685 --> 00:22:27,525
Wow!
457
00:22:27,885 --> 00:22:28,845
Wow.
458
00:22:28,925 --> 00:22:30,845
But then, five... I mean,
459
00:22:30,925 --> 00:22:32,885
I bet that's never 'appened before.
460
00:22:32,965 --> 00:22:34,685
Not on record anyway.
461
00:22:35,245 --> 00:22:37,885
- Are you taking notes?
- Yeah, all in there.
462
00:22:39,445 --> 00:22:41,685
Is this going to be
in next week's newspaper?
463
00:22:42,085 --> 00:22:43,845
Yeah, we'll rush this through.
464
00:22:43,925 --> 00:22:44,805
Quite a scoop.
465
00:22:45,365 --> 00:22:47,885
My Denise would be tickled by this.
466
00:22:47,965 --> 00:22:49,205
It's my wife.
467
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:51,205
She passed away last year.
468
00:22:52,445 --> 00:22:53,525
Light of my life.
469
00:22:54,405 --> 00:22:55,285
Anything that happens,
470
00:22:55,365 --> 00:22:56,965
I go to tell her.
471
00:22:57,045 --> 00:22:58,365
Then I remember.
472
00:22:59,285 --> 00:23:01,325
Nothing's as good if you don't share it.
473
00:23:02,605 --> 00:23:04,325
Still have my downs,
474
00:23:04,405 --> 00:23:08,405
but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?
475
00:23:08,885 --> 00:23:10,605
You can't feel sorry for yourself.
476
00:23:11,285 --> 00:23:12,485
Got to keep going.
477
00:23:14,725 --> 00:23:15,765
Happy birthday.
478
00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:18,285
Oh. Thanks.
479
00:23:22,685 --> 00:23:24,365
Fuck's sake.
480
00:23:29,605 --> 00:23:32,285
Excuse me. Where's the dog food?
481
00:23:32,565 --> 00:23:33,965
It's by the cat food.
482
00:23:34,325 --> 00:23:35,685
Right, well...
483
00:23:35,765 --> 00:23:37,365
I've got another question then.
484
00:23:37,445 --> 00:23:38,725
Where's the cat food?
485
00:23:39,165 --> 00:23:41,125
Tinned products, aisle two.
486
00:23:41,805 --> 00:23:43,525
Cheers. Don't get up.
487
00:23:44,165 --> 00:23:45,045
Okay.
488
00:23:48,205 --> 00:23:49,685
- That everything?
- Yeah.
489
00:23:49,925 --> 00:23:51,285
Oh.
490
00:24:06,005 --> 00:24:08,125
All right, mate. You got any money?
491
00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:12,565
- Yeah.
- What?
492
00:24:15,525 --> 00:24:17,085
Yes, I've got money.
493
00:24:18,005 --> 00:24:19,125
Give it to me then.
494
00:24:25,085 --> 00:24:25,925
Why?
495
00:24:26,005 --> 00:24:28,045
'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.
496
00:24:30,285 --> 00:24:31,725
Does that usually work, does it?
497
00:24:32,165 --> 00:24:33,485
To most people,
498
00:24:33,565 --> 00:24:36,885
the threat of death
is worse than giving you money,
499
00:24:37,645 --> 00:24:38,565
but...
500
00:24:38,645 --> 00:24:40,685
Or they're worried
you'll hurt their family or...
501
00:24:40,965 --> 00:24:42,245
I haven't got any family.
502
00:24:42,805 --> 00:24:45,685
I'm not gonna go into it,
but I don't care about anything anymore.
503
00:24:45,765 --> 00:24:46,885
I'm not giving you any money.
504
00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:48,325
Are you mental?
505
00:24:48,405 --> 00:24:51,605
No, I'm just tired of doing things
I don't wanna do,
506
00:24:51,685 --> 00:24:52,965
and we always have a choice.
507
00:24:53,045 --> 00:24:54,445
And if I've read this right,
508
00:24:54,925 --> 00:24:55,965
my choice
509
00:24:56,205 --> 00:24:57,285
is either violence
510
00:24:57,765 --> 00:24:59,925
or hand over my money peacefully
511
00:25:01,085 --> 00:25:02,765
to two useless little cunts.
512
00:25:03,445 --> 00:25:04,725
- Are you mad?
- No.
513
00:25:05,085 --> 00:25:07,205
Fuck off! Okay?
514
00:25:09,005 --> 00:25:10,885
Just fuck off.
515
00:25:45,605 --> 00:25:46,725
There you go.
516
00:25:46,805 --> 00:25:48,485
It's no one's faultwhat's happened.
517
00:25:48,565 --> 00:25:49,925
Don't go blaming the world.
518
00:25:50,325 --> 00:25:52,805
You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.
519
00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:55,005
But you've got such a good heart.
520
00:25:55,565 --> 00:25:58,045
You're born like it.
You can't contrive it. You're just decent.
521
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:01,565
I knew it, first time I met you.
522
00:26:02,285 --> 00:26:03,885
Hit me like a bolt of lightning.
523
00:26:07,365 --> 00:26:09,045
And I've loved you ever since.
524
00:26:10,085 --> 00:26:11,445
You fat twat!
525
00:26:28,445 --> 00:26:31,565
Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!
526
00:26:31,645 --> 00:26:34,165
You're not a real vicar,I can tell.
527
00:26:34,245 --> 00:26:35,885
Oh, Tony!
528
00:26:35,965 --> 00:26:36,805
Ah!
529
00:26:36,885 --> 00:26:38,325
Oh my God!
530
00:26:38,405 --> 00:26:39,965
- What?
- Why'd you do this to me?
531
00:26:40,045 --> 00:26:42,005
It's good for you.
It gets your heart going.
532
00:26:42,085 --> 00:26:44,685
- It gets your metabolism up.
- No! You...
533
00:26:49,925 --> 00:26:53,845
♪ Satellite's gone up to the skies ♪
534
00:26:57,885 --> 00:27:01,685
♪ Things like that
drive me out of my mind ♪
535
00:27:05,485 --> 00:27:08,205
♪ I watched it for a little while ♪
536
00:27:09,205 --> 00:27:11,725
♪ I like to watch things on TV ♪
537
00:27:16,165 --> 00:27:18,765
♪ Satellite of love ♪
538
00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:20,125
♪ Bong bong bong ♪
539
00:27:20,205 --> 00:27:22,445
♪ Satellite of love ♪
540
00:27:22,725 --> 00:27:24,045
♪ Bong bong bong ♪
541
00:27:24,125 --> 00:27:26,325
♪ Satellite of love ♪
542
00:27:26,725 --> 00:27:31,365
♪ Sat-el-ite of... ♪
38273
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