Original subtitles

If you're watching this, then I'm not around anymore.

I couldn't say any of this to your face. It's too embarrassing.

For you, not for me, obviously.

You're never very good at hearing how lovely you are.

But you are.

You are. You're lovely.

But you're absolutely fucking useless.

So I thought I'd leave you a little guide to life without me.

You've gotta turn the alarm off in the morning, yeah?

If you open the door, it'll set it off,

then the alarm company think we're getting broken into.

If you do set it off, you've gotta ring 'em.

The number's in your phone under "alarm." The alarm code is 8645.

That's your PIN code.

You know this.

And... put it on "perimeter," otherwise the dog will set it off.

And feed the dog, yeah?

First thing in the morning and when you get in from work.

And what else?

Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.

Black bin is household waste,

green bin is recy-

♪ When I wake up in the morning, love ♪

♪ And the sunlight hurts my eyes ♪

♪ And something without warning, love ♪

♪ Bears heavy on my mind ♪

♪ Then I look at you ♪

♪ And the world's all right with me ♪

♪ Just one look at you ♪

♪ And I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ A lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day Lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day... ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day, Lovely day, lovely day ♪

♪ Lovely day, lovely day, Lovely day, lovely day... ♪

Where's your bowl?

There it is.

Oh, fuck!

No dog food.

Baked beans or vegetable curry?

Thought so.

Oh, sorry.

I'll get you some real food later.

Fuckin' hell.

Vegetable curry for me then.

Oh!

.Hello. - Hello.

I'm starting here today.

I'm starting work here today.

Okay. Do you have a name?

Yes. Sandy.

No, I mean, who are you meant to meet here?

Who hired you?

Oh. Mr. Braden.

Come here. Good girl.

Your dog should be on a lead.

- What? - Dogs should be on a lead.

Can't you read? The park's for everyone.

Oh, right. Oh, sorry.

Thank you. Come here, girl.

Come here.

What?! He is not a fat, hairy, nosy cocksucker.

Bad girl, Brandy.

Sorry about that.

- Disgusting. - See you later.

Good girl.

Right.

I've gotta go to work.

See you later.

I'll bring you some food.

Good girl. Good girl.

Good girl.

Here you go.

What?

It's your post.

Put it through the door.

Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.

- I don't wanna walk with it, do I? - Why not?

You're new, aren't you?

Yeah, I was transferred...

No, I don't care.

Presumably in your old round, you put things through the door, didn't you?

Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.

- Why are you talking to me like this? - Will you report me?

Yeah. What's your name?

You'll laugh.

Trust me.

It's Pat.

Postman Pat?

Yeah.

Put it through the door.

That was easy, wasn't it?

- You could've done that. - No, I couldn't.

- Why not? - I'm not a postman.

Go on.

Hi, George.

Hi.

Who's that?

He's my uncle.

Pedo!

What?

Pedo!

I'm not a pedo.

And if I was, you'd be safe, you tubby, little ginger cunt.

Welcome.

Great to have you.

I remember my first day, and it is exciting, isn't it?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Great place to work, this.

Very dynamic, lots of people in and out all the time.

Really excellent bunch of people.

Hard working.

It's very rewarding as well. You get to go out into the community.

And that can be anything from local stories, you know,

erm... entertainment, finance.

So, yeah.

Kath does the advertising.

Be nice to her, and she might take you to the opening of a new restaurant,

give you a free meal.

Lenny does all the photography,

so if you're interested in that...

Everyone chips in on everything, really.

So what kind of thing are you interested in, would you say?

Writing features.

Perfect. That's great.

You'll definitely do that here.

Lots of features. Sky's the limit.

Erm...

Tony's the head of features.

He's not here.

He's a very good writer.

Very smart, very experienced, good guy. Erm...

He's not himself at the minute, to be honest.

He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...

His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.

Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,

who died.

Cancer.

- Sorry. - Yeah.

And he was obviously devastated.

Err... suicidal.

Right.

I should warn you, he might...

say a few things that are a bit...

err...

brutal...

at times, so, you know, don't take it personally.

I mean, you will be working closely with him.

Anyway, err...

have fun.

Thanks.

So, how are you?

Same.

Bad then?

I've honestly nothing to compare it to anymore.

But I guess a good day

is when I don't go around

wanting to shoot random strangers in the face

and then turn the gun on myself.

One of my clients

fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...

...when he's masturbating.

Why are you telling me that?

I didn't say his name.

No, I know, but...

how does that help me?

I dunno.

I guess to let you know you're not the only one.

Only what?

Well, the only mental case out there.

I mean, y'know...

the only guy with mental problems.

- I've got problems. - Go on.

God, man, where do I start?

Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...

- Morning. - Morning.

Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.

Hardly scarred for life.

She's 93.

If she lives to 100, she's only been scarred for seven percent of her life.

You're late.

You're boring.

You're joking, aren't you?

I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?

It's distribution day.

No, I mean, why would you think I was joking about you being boring?

Have you got a... counterargument or...

- Why do you let him get away with this? - I don't.

Tony, come on. What's going on?

We're putting out a free local newspaper that no one cares about.

No, that's not true.

And that's not wh... Can you come in my office?

Sure.

A lot of people rely on our paper. Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?

Back to work, everyone.

What do you want me to say?

That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up? 'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.

Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,

- okay, since you lost Lisa. - Do you reckon...

my wife dying affected me a bit?

Of course, and you know I get that. I even told Sandy about it.

- Who's Sandy? - The new girl.

I didn't want her thinking this is a madhouse.

I had to say something.

Look, I just need a bit of professionalism around here, okay, Tony.

- Please? - No.

I shouldn't have to explain this to you.

You can't just go around being rude to people.

You can, though.

That's the beauty of it.

There's no advantage to being nice and thoughtful

and caring and having integrity.

It's a disadvantage, if anything.

Well, if you carry on like this, I might have to let you go.

No, you won't.

You won't, that's what I'm saying, 'cause you're a nice bloke.

So I'll take advantage of you,

like everyone else does here.

- You'll warn me. I'll ignore it. - What?

You'll give me another warning. I'll ignore it.

I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.

Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.

The girls here have discovered

that you won't even question "women's problems."

Kath's had three periods this month.

She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.

She gets away with it 'cause she's an arsehole.

So, I thought, right, let's have a bit of that.

Why would you wanna do that?

Why wouldn't you just rather get better and be happy?

There's only one thing that'd make me better and happy,

and that's Lisa being around, and that can't happen.

So that's why I nearly killed myself straight away.

Right, okay, but you didn't kill yourself, did you?

So, clearly, you know, something made you stop.

The look on the dog's face.

She was hungry, so I thought I'd better feed her.

It gave me time to think,

"I should be dead now."

I didn't care.

So, everything's a bonus.

If I become an arsehole,

and I do and say what the fuck I want

for as long as I want,

and then when it all gets too much,

I can always kill myself.

It's like a superpower.

That's the worst superhero I've ever heard of.

That's the way it is now.

So what? So...

My job now is to make you happy before you kill yourself?

That's like a constant ticking clock for me now, is it?

If you like.

Well, I don't like.

Anyway, that's the way it is.

Okay, well, I'm glad we had this chat.

Yeah, very constructive.

All right, erm...

So this is... This is Sandy.

She's just started today. It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,

she's gonna be working under you. If you could...

show her the ropes, tell her what's what.

Here's what's what...

humanity is a plague.

We're a disgusting, narcissistic, selfish parasite,

and the world would be a better place without us.

It should be everyone's moral duty to kill themselves.

I could do it now. Quite happily just go upstairs,

jump off the roof,

and make sure I landed on some cunt from accounts.

That the sort of thing...

you meant?

No.

Just, erm... ignore that.

Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?

Sure thing.

Gotta get the papers out. Thank you.

- You showing her the ropes, yeah? - Big time.

Can I guess the bullet points?

Get in.

Eat in front of the computer.

Go to the pub.

Eat in front of the quiz machine.

Go home.

Eat in front of the telly.

Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?

I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.

I've gotta go.

Want me to bring you more doughnuts, fat boy?

Yes, please.

Do you mind him talking to you like that?

Nah, he's a mate.

It distracts him.

You don't take any shit off him, all right?

I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.

- Julian? - Yeah.

We've had a few calls from people

saying that their building didn't get any papers delivered.

Ah.

Okay, look, that's weird 'cause I definitely

delivered them all.

You know you've got to ring a buzzer to get into the actual building?

You can't just leave them outside.

A lot of the old people can't get up and down the stairs or go out.

Yeah, I know that, boss.

I will be extra careful with these.

Okay.

Can I get paid now?

You will do a good job, won't you?

You can trust me, yeah.

- Thirty-five pounds, right? - Yeah.

All right. Cheers.

Okay.

Hot date?

Sorry, what?

Just saw you washing

in a puddle from a drain,

and I wondered if it was a special occasion.

Not really, no.

Gonna buy drugs with that and dump the papers in the skip?

Well,

I should probably dump them first, then buy the drugs.

I'll forget otherwise, won't I?

Where's Lisa?

She's dead, Dad.

Remember?

She died earlier this year.

She was here this morning.

No, she wasn't.

Hi.

Hi.

Right.

Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?

If it was a dog, you'd put it down.

It?

I was sort of being nice, that...

I feel sorry for him.

Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?

I worry when they cry.

We say there's nothing going on inside to make ourselves feel better,

but there's definitely something going on.

Hey?

You married?

No time for that.

I'll give you a good seeing to.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Never heard any complaints.

Kept the wife happy.

I've gotta go.

See you later.

See you, Dad.

Bring Lisa with you.

Fuck me!

Yeah, all right.

Jesus Christ!

Good girl.

Ah, fuckin' hell.

No bowls.

Fuck's sake.

No fuckin' milk!

Don't wallow, hey?

Stay active.

And keep our house tidy.

Our lovely house.

And don't get drunk all the time, all right?

'Cause it'll only make you feel worse in the long run.

I'm not a doctor,

but I have spoken to loads of 'em over the last few months,

and they all reckon it's not ideal to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.

If you put the dishes straight in the dishwasher,

it don't build up.

And change the salt every now and then.

The salt's in the garage.

The garage is that massive thing on the side of the 'ouse.

Oh, fuck's sake.

You all right, yeah?

I was worried about you.

- Why? - What do you mean, "why"?

Because you always talk about killing yourself.

Also, you should be at work, but you know I'll let that slide.

Come to the pub. Me and Len are going for lunch.

No, I've had lunch.

Come on.

- We used to go to the pub all the time. - No!

Someone will make me angry, and that's the day ruined.

Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.

It'll do you good.

Come on, please. All journalists go to the pub for lunch.

We're not journalists.

We are journalists. We work for a newspaper.

Yeah, and that newspaper is used to line cat litter trays

by old ladies, once a week.

And they read it before they do that.

- We're not journalists. - We are.

- We're journalists. - No, we're not.

- Yes, we are. - Not.

- Stop saying that. We are. - Not.

Fuckin' hell!

Can you hear that?

Fuckin' fat cunt eating like a fuckin' slug.

- Doing my fuckin' head in. - All right.

Why don't you throw yourself into your work?

I can't concentrate with that...

They're crisps. They're crunchy.

But why does he have to do all that "mm mmm"?

Well, this is fun.

Told you.

You told me? Great.

Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?

And do you think that might be you on this occasion?

No.

Look, just ignore him, okay.

As I was saying, why don't you throw yourself into your work?

It's what depressed people do.

Sometimes.

It's hard for me to throw myself into my work, when my work

is often talking to a plumber on the estate

who's grown a potato that looks like Lionel Richie.

That made the front cover.

It did look like him, though.

Actually, this is a good time.

We've got some exciting leads at the moment.

- Leads? - Yeah.

Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?

- They are leads. - Go on. What leads?

- What "leads" do we have? - All right.

A woman called us, when she drags her dustbin

it sounds like Chewbacca.

- No. - No? All right.

Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.

And she wasn't before.

No, I get the angle.

Man who got sent the same birthday card five times.

- Really? - Really?

- Yeah. - Right, let's get to the bottom of that

ASAP.

Well, yes. Why don't you?

'Cause that is your job.

- I know. - Yeah.

Ring the doorbell.

You disgusting...

I didn't wanna do it in his house.

Go to the doctor. You've got bowel cancer.

- Hello. - Don't come out. This fat cunt's

- shat himself. - Are you from the paper?

Yeah. Leave him there for a while.

You fuckin' pig.

When I got the first one, I thought,

"That's a nice card."

And then I got the second, and I thought, "Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"

But then when I got the third,

I thought, "Well, what are the chances of that?"

Astronomical.

And then the fourth...

Wow!

Wow.

But then, five... I mean,

I bet that's never 'appened before.

Not on record anyway.

- Are you taking notes? - Yeah, all in there.

Is this going to be in next week's newspaper?

Yeah, we'll rush this through.

Quite a scoop.

My Denise would be tickled by this.

It's my wife.

She passed away last year.

Light of my life.

Anything that happens,

I go to tell her.

Then I remember.

Nothing's as good if you don't share it.

Still have my downs,

but then life throws you these interesting little things, doesn't it?

You can't feel sorry for yourself.

Got to keep going.

Happy birthday.

Oh. Thanks.

Fuck's sake.

Excuse me. Where's the dog food?

It's by the cat food.

Right, well...

I've got another question then.

Where's the cat food?

Tinned products, aisle two.

Cheers. Don't get up.

Okay.

- That everything? - Yeah.

Oh.

All right, mate. You got any money?

- Yeah. - What?

Yes, I've got money.

Give it to me then.

Why?

'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.

Does that usually work, does it?

To most people,

the threat of death is worse than giving you money,

but...

Or they're worried you'll hurt their family or...

I haven't got any family.

I'm not gonna go into it, but I don't care about anything anymore.

I'm not giving you any money.

Are you mental?

No, I'm just tired of doing things I don't wanna do,

and we always have a choice.

And if I've read this right,

my choice

is either violence

or hand over my money peacefully

to two useless little cunts.

- Are you mad? - No.

Fuck off! Okay?

Just fuck off.

There you go.

It's no one's fault what's happened.

Don't go blaming the world.

You know how grumpy you get when things don't go your way.

But you've got such a good heart.

You're born like it. You can't contrive it. You're just decent.

I knew it, first time I met you.

Hit me like a bolt of lightning.

And I've loved you ever since.

You fat twat!

Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!

You're not a real vicar, I can tell.

Oh, Tony!

Ah!

Oh my God!

- What? - Why'd you do this to me?

It's good for you. It gets your heart going.

- It gets your metabolism up. - No! You...

♪ Satellite's gone up to the skies ♪

♪ Things like that drive me out of my mind ♪

♪ I watched it for a little while ♪

♪ I like to watch things on TV ♪

♪ Satellite of love ♪

♪ Bong bong bong ♪

♪ Satellite of love ♪

♪ Bong bong bong ♪

♪ Satellite of love ♪

♪ Sat-el-ite of... ♪