Original subtitles

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

I think you lost something.

Ha!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

- Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick! - Setting down, okay? Quiet, please!

Very funny! Wrap it up!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No...

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick! Charly - No Dick!

Charly - No Dick!

So, Charly, Were you able to find your dick down there?

Constantin!

Okay. Charly, come on. Come. Come on.

I lost my dick.

I mean, my goggles.

Yeah, I'll... I'll just go, uh... yeah.

Dry yourself off, okay?

Constantin!

HARD FEELINGS

God, please!

Why me?

God, this is so embarrassing!

You're really making my life a living hell.

I know.

Honestly, did you guys see him do the breaststroke?

Oh man.

Hey, hey. Consti, Basti.

Helicopter.

Dude, put that away before you poke someone's eye out with it.

Fuck.

Hey, big dick, big responsibility. Why are you making that face?

I heard things aren't all happy and breezy between you and the school princess.

Oh, Marlene turned you down, huh?

Actually, Ziggy, I'm the one who turned her down, just so you know.

You know, he's just pissed

because Marlene didn't invite him to her house party.

Hey, Consti, chin up, man.

We've still got the graduation dance coming up.

And if not, life fucks everyone.

- Have I ever told you how smart you are? - I know.

Ah, you two are so gay.

Yeah, it's not our fault you only like pussy.

You're missing out on half the fun.

- Ready to go? - Let's go.

And what can you do, mini drone?

Oh no, my yogurt leaked all over.

Oh man, you've gotta see this.

There he is.

INDOOR SWIMMING POOL

Hey.

Same as always. My yogurt leaked again.

No, that's not a euphemism, I swear.

Yeah, ha ha.

You're just a little bit weird.

Good to see you, best friend.

No one's listening. Why are you doing that?

We've used Pig Latin since we were kids.

- Why ruin a lovely tradition? - Mm.

Yeah, but still, aren't we a little bit too old to talk in Pig Latin?

Ugh, age is just a number.

Did you miss me?

Oh yeah, you have no idea.

Heard about your big solo performance tomorrow.

Don't remind me. It's an absolute nightmare, man.

If you really hate it, just drop out.

My mom thinks my voice has exceptional tone

and the world should have a chance to hear it.

Is that so?

Maybe you belong in the choir.

- Charly, you don't have to sing. - I can't break her heart.

Yeah, then I guess you're on your own.

Gee, thanks.

- Sing for me then. - Why don't you sing?

I'm not in the one in the choir. I'm not the one with an exceptional voice.

Right, exceptional. Ha ha ha.

- Have you studied for finals yet? - Uh, no.

- Not yet. Why? Have you? - No, not yet.

When it's all done, we should take your car and go.

- Okay, where to? - We'll see.

- Want to come in? - No, my league's waiting.

Oh, and Charly?

From virgin to virgin, with no point of comparison,

- I'm completely sure that your dick is... - Okay. Bye.

I wouldn't look at your phone if you can manage to avoid it.

Bye.

This fridge has five compartments.

The middle compartment cools to between four and five degrees Celsius.

- There's a reason for that. - That's over-the-top. It's a fridge.

Charly? Charly, come here, please.

Mom, Dad, it's been a really long day and...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Charly, where would you store the yogurt if you had a choice?

- Where it's cold. - Aha.

Aha. We're playing that game, are we?

If that's the case, at least put it on the middle shelf, where it belongs.

Who cares which compartment? It's cold in the whole fridge, right?

I care. Okay?

And why in the world would anybody want to buy that much yogurt anyway?

Because they're on sale and because I happen to like yogurt.

Do you know why they're on sale?

Because they're covered in mold.

All of these yogurts are now expired.

The use-by date is a guideline, Sabine,

because you know what yogurt is usually made out of, don't you?

- Bacteria? - Bacteria.

So if it's a few days old, it's really not a problem.

No problem.

For you, it might not be.

It's me who has to sleep next to you every night while you lie there and shart.

Come on. Now you're just exaggerating.

You want to take my yogurt away too?

You are lactose intolerant, Rudi.

Sabine, take everything else, but leave my yogurt alone!

If your father were still alive, he'd be so proud of you two.

Who takes after Dad more, me or Paula?

Mm, Paula. You take after me more.

Hi, hon. How was school?

The usual. My league is waiting.

How come you kept them waiting so long?

- Is it 'cause of a boy? - None of your business.

Or is it because of a girl?

Ugh, Mom?

Mm.

Don't pressure your sister now, Phoebe.

- Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. - Mom!

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

- Oh God. - Wow. Wow.

Wow.

Yes! Good job there, Straight Shooter.

- Oh, Paula? - Yeah?

Check your DMs. I sent you a little surprise.

Although, it's not that little.

Oh, ugh!

Why is everything always about sex? Is it just because I'm a girl?

Don't they have mothers and sisters, Charly?

Do they just go, "Mom, would you pass me the salt, please?"

"And while you're at it, what do you think of my dick pic?"

"Did it turn out really well?"

"I just wanted to get your expert opinion, you know, as a woman and all."

It pisses me off!

Yeah, I totally get it.

That kind of stuff doesn't happen to guys. I'm sorry, Paula.

Yeah, if my dad was alive, he would've kicked their asses.

Thanks.

You'll be okay right?

No idea. I wish I had a do-over.

But once a video's on the Internet...

Charly - No Dick is here forever.

At least you're with me.

Did you hear that?

What?

Everything's so quiet all of a sudden.

Oh my God!

We just got hit by lightning! That was so... What the freak?

And we survived!

I saw it right in front of me! Ba-bam! It was a sign.

So freaking lucky we didn't die!

It was just like, "Bam! We're alive!"

Oh, you're hyperventilating. You're okay.

- I'm okay. - You're Okay.

- I'm okay. - You're good. You're good.

- I'm good. - You're okay.

I'm okay.

That was so weird.

Yeah.

Charly. Wake up.

The early bird gets the worm.

And by worm, I mean me, obviously.

Time to get up. I've been up for a while.

- Yeah? - Nothing?

God, this is really hard.

Whoa!

Hard.

Get it?

Here. Yoo-hoo!

Oh, at last.

It's me. Hi.

I would bow, but I feel a kind of stiff. A little penis joke.

Boo! You won't get rid of me that easy.

What's your problem? You talk to me all the time.

The only difference is now I finally can talk back.

- I'm talking to my penis. - Hello, big guy.

Uh...

Were you talking to your penis just then?

What?

No.

Do you mind?

- Get out! - Who's he talking to?

Uh, it wasn't his penis.

- I wasn't talking to my penis, Dad. - Like I said.

Why are we talking about his penis? Is he okay?

I think I might've caught him masturbating.

I wasn't masturbating!

Oh, believe me, we'd both be a lot happier if you had been.

Oh, would doing that make you shut up?

- Mom! - Oh, you are masturbating.

- Please, out! - Sorry.

- I just wanted to... - Can you knock? Buzz off!

I was just wondering if, uh...

- For real? - Um...

I was just wondering if you'd like, um, a ride to school?

Dad, can I please have a minute?

Okay.

Hmm.

Hmm.

'Sup?

Fuck!

I don't see your problem.

You finally have hand to hold through all this.

- Hey, you little asshole. - Ah!

I was waiting for ages.

Sorry, I totally forgot.

You forgot? I always drive you to school.

So, who's this then?

- Are you all right? - Hello, little itty bitty titties.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Then get off your bike, stop avoiding me, and get in the car!

Don't worry. I'm really enjoying the fresh air today. Thanks!

Look! Itty bitty titties is back.

- Why are you being a weirdo? - I'm a weirdo?

- You're driving a car on the bicycle path. - We really need to talk.

- You all want me to talk today. - What?

Charly, talk to her. You're the only one who can hear me...

How many times must I say shut up?

- Who are you talking to? - Myself!

Love it when you get hot and bothered.

- Wait a minute. Are you talking to your... - Shortcut!

- Ah! Ah! - See you later!

Ah! This hurts me as much as it hurts you, asshole.

- So what about her? Ah! - What?

If you sleep with her, you'll be rid of me.

- Paula? - Yeah.

Ah!

Listen.

As soon as you've done it for the first time, I'll be out of here.

- No. - Yes!

- No way! - Wait. What?

She's my best friend. My only friend. I don't wanna risk losing her.

All I hear is, "Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Okay, Charly. Let's start over. Look around you.

Tell me what you see.

Notice anything?

I'm the only one chatting with his genitals?

There are worse things, right?

The thing is, do you wanna be a boner loner?

The only one still holding onto their V-card after high school? Huh?

- Is that what you want? Huh? - Shut up now!

Hey, you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

What happened to your bike, huh?

Did something break?

Hmm.

Come on. Oh, Charly, you animal.

Where have you been hiding her?

Oh, yeah. Put me in coach!

Oh God. She's looking right at us.

Time to release your little tiger.

Go on. Talk to her. Say something.

Good morning, Marlene.

Okay, we'll get the next one.

The important thing is, I'm here to stay.

I'll take care of the bike.

Have a good day, yeah?

Charly.

Charly.

Charly.

Can you stop ignoring me?

Hey, will you please listen?

Psst!

Charly.

FOCUS

We're days away from your finals. And no one here is going to fail.

Not on my watch.

I want you all to leave here with the best prospects

and feeling proud of yourselves.

Less Boring. More Fucking.

Let's focus and go over the material.

Let's go over her materials.

The exam-relevant topics in biology are...

Fucking, fucking, fucking!

- Quiet! - Fucking.

Charly, wanna share with the class?

I have to... to shit.

Okay.

No shaming.

Ugh, Charly, Charly, Charly.

I sometimes think you actually want to stay a virgin.

- That's it. - Huh?

Oh.

Whoa!

Charly, you dirty dog, you.

During class. Oh, yes.

Just... shut... your... mouth.

Oh!

Ah. Oh.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello, there.

Oh.

I'm so happy to greet today both our outgoing class

and the delegation we have visiting from our partner school,

the Lycée Cousteau de Lyon.

Let's give them a warm welcome.

Just relax. Look, in the first row. Her. Yes. Yes.

- Mm. This is gonna be fun. - Bienvenue.

In your honor, our school choir has rehearsed a very special song,

which I think you'll all enjoy.

It's "Love Is All Around."

Mr. Pendergast.

WELCOME

Just trust me, Coach. It's my time to shine.

Charly, look. Oh God, she wants you.

Oh yes. Yes.

Those lips. Those eyes.

Imagine her naked.

Look at that. She's even smiling.

And I bet we could put a bigger smile on her face. Ah!

Look at his pants.

Hey! Hey! Hey, Charly!

What's wrong with you? Where are you going?

I guess you can stop calling him Charly - No Dick now.

You know, she's right.

I'm done! They call me No Dick my whole life,

and now that they can see I have a dick, they make fun of me for that.

But she smiled at you. Why did you run off?

'Cause you've ruined my life, yet again.

At least I stood up like a man. What about you?

- I'm a nerd. - Pendergast.

I can't help it.

I'm just shy. And it's the same thing every day.

- Pendergast. - Believe me.

I don't have it easy.

I'm a loser! I hate being the center of attention.

I... I can't figure out

how to talk to girls.

And I'm horny all the time.

Horny nerd got up onstage and got a boner.

- Oh my god. So embarrassing. - And posting.

It's really not as terrible as you think.

No, it's catastrophic!

How can I show my face at school

when everyone thinks I'm a pervert or something.

Oh my God, Charly.

Marlene posted a video, and it's already gone viral.

- "Horny nerd..." - Can we please not talk about it?

- No, take a look. - Please!

Okay.

You okay? You feel pretty tense.

Uh... ah...

And... your muscles have... have grown.

Oh, believe me, baby. They're not the only thing growing here.

Say something.

Wasn't there something you wanted to say?

Do... you...

want to sleep together?

Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No. Nah.

- Nah? - Nah.

- Yeah. Nah. - Nah.

Yeah, nah. No, 'cause that wouldn't be normal.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Nah, uh...

Would you please excuse me for a moment? Sound good?

Yeah...

- Yeah. - Mm. yeah.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

Oh my God! Oh my God!

- That was the perfect opportunity! - How?

She's my best friend.

She can't be my first time, 'cause I mean that's... that's incest!

"Your muscles have grown?" Seriously?

Mm, strange.

I thought that usually works on men.

How can I look at him after that?

Don't you think you're overreacting?

Overreacting? I've known her since kindergarten.

That doesn't mean you're related!

So what's the plan?

Just go over there and say,

"Hey, sorry. My talking vagina wanted me to ask if you wanted to have sex"?

It's called a vulva, sweetie. Who cares if he believes it?

I don't even believe it. Why would she believe this?

I'll settle for a hand job.

Oh, this is getting ridiculous!

Hey. I, um...

I have to go, sadly.

- Yes. - So I'll just... Okay, yeah.

Uh...

- So, see you tomorrow... bro. - Tomorrow.

Bro.

Oh.

Just do what I tell you, and I promise your whole life will change.

What if I lose her because of it?

- I mean, she's all I've got. - So what?

At least you'd get top-tier titties and premium pussy.

Stop. You don't get to talk about Paula like that.

Or what?

Or... or we don't have a deal.

Deal?

Keep talking.

If you leave Paula out of it, and I pass my finals,

I'll give it my best shot.

And I can't believe I'm saying this. I will listen to my penis.

- You won't regret this, Charly. - I already do.

Give me some skin, bro.

Oh! Not like that!

Yeah, got it.

- Morning. - Good morning, honey.

Where's Dad gone?

I don't know. I guess he needed some alone time.

What are you up to?

Swiping.

- I can see that from here. - There's food here for you.

Right. Um, I think I lost my appetite.

Hmm.

Dad!

- Hey, Dad! - Hey, Charly.

Can we talk?

Yeah, okay. I... I just have to finish up here.

Now, Dad.

What's going on?

Okay.

What's going on with Mom then?

I haven't got a clue.

Then why are you here?

Mom needed to have some space, so that's why I'm here.

So how's she doing?

She was on a dating app when I left the house.

A dating app?

Oh.

- That's not good. - Yeah, exactly, not good.

- How are things with you? - Not good.

- Oh? What's up? - It's complicated.

Make a plan!

What kind of plan?

Win her back somehow!

Invest in some fashionable underwear? What do I know?

- What's going on? - Hey, cool video.

Hey.

- Nice dick, my dude. - There he is.

- Hey, will you make a TikTok with me? - Yeah, let's make a TikTok, Charly.

Leave me alone.

Hey, what's your problem? You're like a hero, man.

- What? - Look.

I can't talk to girls. And I'm horny all the time.

Let's face it. We've all had embarrassing moments like these.

But, uh, how many of us can say we were brave enough

to stand up for ourselves like that?

Whoever that guy is, he should be an inspiration to us all.

I stand with Boner Boy.

Look. You're a star. Huh? I told ya!

You just gotta trust me.

Oh my God. Amy Speaks mentioned your video.

Ten thousand reposts already. You're TikTok famous.

And Charly's gone super viral, but not how you wanted.

Charly has some potential.

I have class. Sorry. I'm really sorry.

Hey, Charly. Listen up.

About last night, I hope things aren't weird...

No, don't worry about it, really. Later, broseph!

Broseph?

- Just one. - Just one selfie.

I have lessons. I have lessons. Sorry I have to get to...

- Here. I'll be quick. - Just one selfie.

- Thanks! You're the man! - Thank you so much.

Ooh la la.

Uh, I'm so sorry. Sorry.

Your name's Charly, non?

Yeah. Have we met?

They're all talking about you.

Oh, my name is Françoise,

and I don't know my way around here too well.

So I thought maybe you'd take me sightseeing? Tomorrow, perhaps?

I'm blowing my load.

- No. - Not really, dumbass.

- No? Okay. - Okay, Charly!

- Too bad. - We can salvage this!

- Ask her to go out with you! - Françoise.

What I actually meant was, no, you can't ask me that

because I wanted to ask you out first.

Oh God, you're such a boner loner.

Oh, but it worked! Awesome!

- Okay. - Oui, oui, oui.

Boring.

Stop wasting our time. He had his chance.

Uh-huh, hello, boot-ay.

I could definitely work with that.

Nice.

Hey, wrong way. Where are you going?

Anyone would thank their lucky stars

for the chance to sleep with someone like you.

You just have to let them.

I don't want just anyone though.

Paula, fulfillment comes from getting filled.

Would you Leave me alone, please?

Ah. This is about that guy.

Not a guy.

Of course it is. The guy you met on vacation two years ago.

He suddenly appeared in front of you.

Costa. Him and his little Costa, which was anything but little.

¿Cómo estás?

- Hi. - You speak English?

Yeah, I, uh...

We're having a beach party tonight.

I'd love it if you'd come by later.

- Okay. - We'll see you then.

Bye.

That was the first time a guy showed any interest in you.

And he was perfect with his abs and buns of steel.

What's wrong?

I was just thinking about my father.

This song reminds me of us.

Ugh, what... what's wrong with you?

Whatever, you feel weird down there.

And you ignore me because of that asshole?

That's not what it is.

You think he was right. Have you ever really looked at me?

Can we change the subject, please?

Uh-uh. Let's get back to basics and do something that's long overdue.

The Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text in Sanskrit

about sexuality, eroticism, and emotional fulfillment.

Can I borrow your hand mirror?

Exclusively an introduction to the 36 sex positions...

Wait. The Kama Sutra? ...as a handbook...

Have you ever...

Duh. Of course not,

'cause I'm ten years old.

Right.

Going on a safari?

Okay, you absolutely need a new haircut for our date tomorrow.

- What's the matter with my haircut? - Not up there.

A little penis tip:

the shorter the hair, the bigger the bad boy.

Um... I'm not sure.

Come on. Stop being so dramatic.

Panties down.

Mirror, please.

- Paula. - Yeah?

Ta-da!

And?

Well...

I mean, you're not exactly pretty.

- Look who's talking. - Hey now!

What? Charly, are you serious? You can't wear that.

I'm like your gift to Françoise.

So make sure I'm nicely wrapped, yeah? Presentation matters.

Imagine how excited she'll be when she unwraps me, huh?

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

And now imagine how excited she'll be when she unwraps me out of those.

Yeah.

First shave. Then go shopping.

Seriously, how many vulvas have you seen in your life?

- Not many... - Uh-huh.

So you're no expert.

Yeah, I guess, but...

Did you just fill my head with 50 vagines?

Thirty-eight.

And the plural of vagina is vaginas. But anyway, those are vulvas.

Self-love, sweetie.

Okay, real slow, yeah?

Pick me up, okay? Hold me gently. Good.

Okay. Extra careful now.

Um, why?

Because...

- Just because! - I'm careful.

What do you mean "just because"?

Oh!

The marbles!

Uh, is... is that my razor, hon?

Why don't you shave in the shower, Charly, like everyone else?

She's kidding. They'll squeeze the life out of me.

Look at me, Mom! I need space.

They're too tight.

Enough with the distractions.

You know, your father and I just grew apart. That's all.

I gave everything up for you and your Dad, always.

Now it's time to focus on me.

Oh. He sent me an eggplant.

- What? - On the dating app.

How romantic, wanting to get together and cook.

The eggplant is...

Oh, it's been ages since I've had a nice fat, juicy eggplant.

Even your mom gets more action than you do.

The poor guy's upset I haven't answered yet.

Aw, look. The eggplant's crying now.

It's been forever since last time your father cried.

- Oh, I like that pair. - No fucking way.

Okay, and now touch me.

Okay.

What the hell is that?

This is all made for men. Ugh. Typical.

It's not doing anything for me in the least.

Okay. Let's try this.

Close your eyes.

Give me a few details. Who's the guy? Constantin?

- No, he was with Marlene, you know. - Forget about Marlene.

Date the most popular guy in school and you can have anyone you like.

- Oldest trick in the book. - Mm.

Shower head, please.

Oh.

Ah.

Ah.

Ah.

I really need a long icicle.

Oh my God.

There really is a heaven.

Come to Mama.

Oh, this is what we need.

Yes! Yes! Ye...

Uh, no idea what that is, but yes.

- Oh my God, we need that! - No way! Who would even see that?

Blah blah blah. Stop thinking. I'm thinking for both of us now.

I need it!

I knew we were sex goddesses!

Just one thing, the fabric's clinging to my lips.

One size up would be great, though.

I have to say, our tits look fantastic.

Yep, fine.

- Oh and, uh, thanks. - My pleasure and yours.

Hello?

Hello?

Hmm. Why, hello, British Booty.

Ah, that's an excellent choice. Would you like me to wrap that for you?

No, thanks. Just put it in.

Ow, my vagina is numb.

I think they ripped something down there.

Is that what giving birth is like? Oh God.

Ugh, yeah.

Is that Paula?

Oh my God. What is she wearing?

What a slutbag.

Okay, let's do this. Get yourself comfortable.

Turn it on.

Get ready.

And go.

Ah!

Let's do that again.

Um, Amy Speaks. What's that about?

To be Honest, I have no clue. It's been weird since the concert.

Just start with a small kiss. On the neck.

I'm totally squished.

Going shopping with your mom was a really bad move.

He's touching himself. Touch me too! Say something hot.

Well, at least they can't call you Charly - No Dick.

- Yeah. - You call that hot?

Anyway...

I wanted to apologize to you for reacting so weirdly when you asked if we...

- Oh, right. Pff. - You know...

No, not "pff."

- It's not that I don't want to. - We want to!

We don't have to talk about that.

Exactly. Let's just do it. Now, under the stars.

You're really important to me as a friend.

- Yeah. - No. Huh?

- Ditto. - What? Oh, come on!

Man.

- Oh! - Oh man.

Something's different about you.

Did you get a haircut or change your makeup?

- No. - I could swear something different.

Hmm.

♪ You said, "Baby, do you want..."

Cute.

Girls.

It feels like a completely new world. I came like five freaking times in a row.

Just over and over again.

You know how lucky we are?

What the fuck?

Told you. Now you get it?

I didn't want to say anything, but I mean,

she totally blew the sex shop guy.

No shaming.

I admit, one time, I got a huge boner

from a pair of oranges that I saw one day.

They really looked like the ones on my Spanish teacher.

Sometimes I get hard on the bus because the seat vibrates.

I call it a bus boner.

Sometimes my dick gets hard when the sun shines on it.

Sometimes I get...

Wait a minute. Why is everything about penises?

It's just not funny when it's you.

I mean, sometimes I have to spend hours just walking around here with a boner.

It feels like everyone just stares at me all day.

To be honest, most of my erections just kind of happen randomly.

Like, I'll just be sitting in my grandpa's house,

where nothing is sexy, and I just have a hard-on.

Sometimes, it's just really weird like that.

Hey, Digger. No one wants to hear about your boner.

See what we started?

- You're an actual role model. You can... - Hi, Charly.

- Oh my God, Marlene! - Marlene.

Um, well, I wanted to ask you.

I'm having a small party this weekend.

Yep, I heard. Everyone's talking about it.

Exactly. It's gonna be totally awesome.

Marlene's into Charly. Crazy. Who'd have thought?

Bull crap. The whole school's going.

Oh right, you're not.

If you can, I'd love it if you'd come by for a while.

- Yeah? - Uh, yeah, for sure.

Okay, see you then.

Uh, I could just squeeze out a little tear.

Dude, I'm so proud of you, man.

Two hot toddies. You know what that means?

That I now have a big problem.

- Trying to make Constantin jealous? - No way.

I think Charly's really cute.

Ew.

Hey, Dad.

- Do you just live here now? - Sh.

- He's an eavesdropper. - What?

- The gardener. See? - What?

- I have a problem, I think. - Okay. Shoot.

This French exchange student asked me to go out with her.

Doesn't sound like a problem to me.

Uh, excuse me? Do you mind? It's a private talk. Yeah?

And?

The problem is that the coolest girl at school

invited me to her house for a party.

Mm.

Do you like one girl more than the other?

No.

There's a simple answer there.

Bring the exchange student to the party as your date.

Yeah, but, maybe...

I once went out with a girl and her sister at the same time.

- That's what I'm saying. - He asked us for advice.

- He asked me for my advice. Me. - That doesn't mean to have to yell at me.

- Who's yelling? - You're getting aggressive.

I'm not being aggressive.

Well, maybe you should get anger management therapy.

I don't think I need that kind of therapy, man. No.

- You live in your office. - What a butt load of bullshit.

We can see you.

- When? - At night, when you dance.

You spy on me?

Yeah, me and, uh, Maggie from the kitchen, Alexander, the trash guy.

All of us.

Hey, Paula.

Yay! Okay, stay cool, sweetheart.

- Hi. - Hi.

Um,

are you going to Marlene's party this weekend?

- Yeah. Yeah, of course. - Yeah?

Um,

I thought it would be cool for us to go, you know, together if you want.

And we're wet.

- Uh, yeah. I'd like that a lot. - Yeah?

- Okay, cool. Yeah, um, I'll be there. - Okay.

Oh my God. What just happened?

We are so going to hit that later.

Gonna tell us about that?

What?

I think she's cute.

Don't you?

Yes, come in.

Hello.

Take a seat. I'll be with you in a minute.

Is it normal for you work so late?

Hmm?

Hmm? Yeah.

Yeah, lots to do.

Lots to do.

Even on weekends?

You do know that you are not allowed to sleep in your office, right?

Oh yeah.

Good.

Phoebe, it's important. I need help.

Did you finally kill someone?

What? Of course I didn't do that.

I have a date.

- You look amazing, by the way. - Oh, thanks.

I got bored and messed around.

Chic.

- All right, here we are. - Here we are.

- You ring the bell at your own house? - Oh no, this isn't my house, uh...

Charly, you're here.

And you brought somebody. Terrific.

- Enchantée. - I'm good. Come on in.

Two girls fighting over us.

Two girls!

That's four tits, two vaginas, four nipples, two tongues,

four lips, twenty toes, four kneecaps.

Ah! Take cover!

- Mr. Fluffles. He's a good boy. - I said take cover!

- Find some other balls. - You made a friend.

Help. Scat, shoo.

Oh, he heard me.

- Out, Mr. Fluffles. - Okay, that was close.

Uh-oh, we're losing her.

That's not good. We have to keep her juices flowing.

- Ah bon? This is an interesting party. - Quick. Say something.

- Yeah. - Be a little more creative.

- Cool. - Ask her a question.

- You want a drink? - Not that question.

- Shots? - What?

- Join me? - Charly!

Hard liquor doesn't equal hard on.

- No, Charly! No, no, no, no, Charly! - Okay.

This is it. The moment we've been waiting for.

And his hand is so close to your tit.

Looks like there's a new Marlene in town.

Everyone's looking at us!

Slutbag.

That's right, bitch. We look awesome.

Hi.

How's it going, Marlene?

Wanna get a drink?

Yep.

Let's go.

Uh, Paula, focus.

Let her have that pony. You're riding a mustang tonight.

Ew.

Best day ever!

What?

I said...

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey, hey, hey.

You have the sexiest tits in the entire world.

Oh, thanks.

You look so damn good. Where have you been all this time?

- Ah, keep talking, baby. - I'm right here.

Maybe you just never looked closely enough.

- Those lips! - Well, to us.

What can I say? I'm so proud of you.

I couldn't have done it better myself.

Ah.

Well, hello.

Um, would you please go get us another really good tequila drink?

I just need a sec.

- Whatever you want, my queen. - Okay.

Charly, hi.

Marlene, hi.

Hi!

Ladies, I have a big enough penis for both of you.

Yes, threesome!

Give me an S. Give me an E. Give me an X. I want sex!

Let's get some!

Occupied.

She's seriously with Constantin. At Marlene's party. She's insane.

What do you expect though? The outfit? The sex shop?

Paula has to be a hooker.

Sex worker.

Well, that would explain why she went down on the sex store worker.

I bet Constantin is her appetizer.

Who knows how many blow jobs she'll give tonight.

Double digits, at least.

How much do you think she gets by the hour?

Double digits, max.

No shaming.

♪ Stuck on my mind

It's your fault they think I'm a tramp.

Nonsense. You're the star here tonight.

- Paula, there you are. - Mm, Mr. Nut Muffin.

- I think I'm gonna leave. - What?

What?

Was it something I said?

- Don't back out now. - I'm not gonna...

It's not... Um...

Oh. Hey, come on.

I don't want you to go home all emotional. Let's go talk.

- Okay? - Okay.

Paula, it's happening.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

- I don't think we should be in here. - Yes, we should.

Don't worry. It's okay.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Let's sit down.

Uh, yeah, so, um

Will you tell me what's up?

I mean, you, uh...

Mm.

Uh, I, uh...

I...

I have a kind of friend, who, uh...

Team Vulva in the house! Bam!

...who, um, I happened...

I took her advice because I trusted her,

and now everyone thinks I'm this skanky...

Mm. Come to Mama.

No, I'm not that kind of girl. I don't really do that.

But you're so hot. It's just so...

This is what we dreamed about. Lie back and enjoy.

Uh, okay. Maybe he's a little out of practice.

Help him. What are you waiting for?

Oh, a mini weenie...

Uh...

uh, uh...

For real?

My condolences.

Uh...

Shit, man!

Fuck! Ugh!

Are you okay?

Man, nothing is okay. It's...

Could you just keep this between us? It's...

it's really embarrassing.

Hey.

I...

I understand. Okay?

Rumors are shit.

Mm...

I promise you have nothing to be worried about.

I was so sure that would work.

What? Don't look at me like that.

I didn't look too bad in it.

Were you in that bedroom? Paula just came out of there.

Dude, barely at the party for ten minutes and he's already gotten laid.

I didn't sleep with her.

- She wanted me to fuck her. - Paula?

Uh-huh?

And she's really into doing anal.

So, Basti, looks like your reign is over.

Huh?

Yeah, there's a new anal queen in town. I'm pretty impressed.

Bitch.

Yeah, I'm telling you. She's a... sex addict.

It's... it's unreal, really. It's...

Hey, Mr. Fluffles. Hello. Hi.

Oh, you.

You're a good boy.

When I was up on that stage,

he just came on out and said hello to the world.

Who am I to hold him back? Who?

- You're a total inspiration, brother. - Charly.

- Paula. - Hey, the itty titties.

This is my best friend.

- Françoise. Marlene, Klaus. - A word?

Robbie.

What were you saying to him?

- Yeah, I think you've had enough now. - Hey!

You don't have to be jealous.

- I've got enough here to go round. - Yeah, I see that.

I don't need you. Let go. You're just a training pussy, Paula.

Ah!

Training pussy?

Whoo!

What an asshole!

Charly! Charly!

Charly! Charly! Charly!

Boner Boy! Boner Boy! Boner Boy!

Boner Boy! Boner Boy! Boner Boy!

Look how cute you look.

Last night was so special.

Did we...

All night.

Are you serious? It was my first time and I forgot it?

Yeah me too, bro.

The first time is supposed to be special, and now I don't even...

Wait a minute.

- Hello? - Hi.

After my first time, I thought you were supposed to buzz off.

Charly, Charly, Charly.

If you don't remember, how am I supposed to remember, huh?

But maybe she's in the mood for a second round.

Then I'll buzz off. I promise.

- Hey. - My parents are on their way.

You gotta go.

Looks like the two of us will be hanging out for a while longer.

Oh well.

Sabine, left foot on yellow.

What is happening in here?

Hi, honey.

Hi.

Just a little gathering with all my friends.

Ran on a little longer than expected.

Hey! Boner Boy.

- Animal! - Respect.

Nice job, man.

Charly, hi.

I'll See you at break, okay?

Mm, mm, mm. See? That's what I'm talking about.

I guess I have a girlfriend.

- It's official. - And not just any girlfriend.

The hottest girl in school.

I would never leave you hanging, dude.

A little penis joke.

Feels good to be loved, right?

Hey, Françoise.

Hello.

Okay, no love from Françoise.

We can always give that another shot if things don't work out with Marlene.

Or Paula. I forgot about her!

HEY, PAULA, WHAT HAPPENED AT MARLENE'S PARTY?

Oh, look. It's the school slut.

Hey, babe.

Do I know you?

Not yet. Wanna meet this guy?

Asshole!

Whoa!

Girl, what's your problem? We could've had him.

I fucked Paula last night for hours.

Really? You and the school slut?

Yeah, dude. Constantin said she's a sex addict, man.

- My God. We're sex celebrities. - Did you know she loves anal?

- What have you been telling everyone? - What?

Hey, get your paws off. This jacket's luxury.

I could tell everyone what really happened.

And who's gonna side with the school slut?

- What? - Yeah.

Who do you think they'll believe? Hmm?

Me, the popular boy at this school?

Or you?

Hey, I don't get it. Why is school slut a bad thing?

I think you're looking at this all wrong.

Hey, guys, did you know Paula sells sex as a side gig?

As if.

Yeah. Her rate is like five euros an hour.

But she accepts credit cards too.

- You know she's a sex addict? - Oh, ugh.

I hope we didn't use the same toilet. That'd be gross.

Yikes.

Oh my God.

I'd never thought of it like that.

We could actually make money with this!

CHEAP & EAGER PAULA 01575 3262784

Hey, cool, man.

If it isn't the school slutbag?

Charly, what are you doing? Why are you behaving like a jerk?

Aw. What language were you trying to use? Hobbitish?

Aren't we a bit too old for Pig Latin, Paula?

Our first customer!

Hey, honey. Want to have some fun? Huh?

HEY, FEEL LIKE A QUICK FUCK?

SO, DO YOU ALWAYS MOAN THAT LOUD?

SLUT.

Not very nice what you said about Paula.

Spreading the rumor that someone's a sex addict?

That's pretty childish, even for you.

Yeah, you know you're not that much better.

Stringing along a guy like Charly, who's clearly below your level

and who you clearly haven't the slightest bit of interest in.

That was a bitch move, if you ask me.

Who says I'm not interested in him?

Charly's really nice, you know? Unlike that slutty little tramp Paula.

Sheathe those claws, Marlene. Charly's a little wuss, and you know it.

My goodness, Constantin. I didn't think of you as a jealous man.

I'm not jealous of that fool.

Seriously?

He doesn't have your muscles, I admit, but he makes me laugh.

Oh yeah, sure he does.

But you know what makes me laugh the hardest?

You lowering yourself to Paula, of all people. So embarrassing.

Marlene, calm down. I didn't think of you as a jealous woman.

Oh, I'm jealous.

Of Paula.

Yeah.

Well, that's a good one.

Um,

Marlene, tell me. Are you going to the dance?

You asking me to be your date?

Definitely. Do you accept or nah?

We'll see.

Hey, babe.

Hi.

So, we've been together for about two weeks...

You haven't even given me any.

- Charly, I've told you again and again. - I'm about to explode!

I'm saving our next time for after the dance.

- But... why? - Okay?

- Then we can sleep with each other. - Wait. I didn't mean it like that.

I thought we might spend some time together and talk.

- Talk? All we do is talk. - Too right. Blah, blah, blah.

- Walk with me, Charly. - More fucking, less talking!

Wait. That's not what I meant by that.

What I meant was, I don't know you outside of class.

Like, who you are as a person.

I want to know what you care about, what you like.

- I mean there are things that I like... - Moon sign Gemini.

And I kid you not, my ascendant is guess...

Aquarius,

meaning I'm a triple air sign.

So if my sun was in Libra, right, I'd be emotional.

But I'm a Gemini, twins, so I'm unemotional and dry.

So that's why I never get along with Pisces. You know, fish?

I don't vibe with Pisces.

And...

- Hmm. - ...I'm soft.

Hold on, I'm a Pisces.

Exactly.

Listen. I really don't think it's okay for you to ignore me.

Ooh, check out that ass. Paula. Paula!

Paula. Help me. Marlene hates fish.

Honestly, Charly, I don't give a shit what Marlene eats.

Paula, that's... that's not what I meant. I meant...

Stop.

Let me just...

Paula.

I wouldn't go in there.

Oh, you really turn me on.

You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment.

We belong together, Marlene.

You know I didn't sleep with him, right?

- Yeah. - He just passed out in my bed.

People are talking.

You know how it is with rumors.

Yeah.

I understand.

I say, let them.

Hi, this is Paula. Please leave a message.

Hey, honey.

Hey.

So have you seen your dad lately, hon?

No, I haven't.

Oh.

Well, I was just thinking...

...I forgot what a drag dating is.

I do miss him.

He and I made such a good team.

How come you and Dad are all that we talk about lately?

What about me? It's never about me. Who's the child here?

- I'm not sure what you're asking. - You know what?

I dropped out of the choir.

- I'm done! - But you have such an amazing, angelic...

I hate my voice, Mom!

- Okay, I will agree to disagree on that. - Out!

Please.

Yeah, sure.

You're right. I'm sorry to upset you.

I just wanted to wish you good luck

for your final exams tomorrow.

Hmm?

Your time is up.

So, time is up.

- Please finish your last sentence. - Finish your last sentence, please.

Oh. Up, up.

Charly, you too.

Put your pen down. Down!

Down! Pen down!

Charly, you're finished. That's it.

Pen down. That's it!

Hey, there's nothing to fuck here.

But I want to fuck. You want to fuck. We want to fuck...

I don't wanna hear it. I said shut up!

Okay, your five minutes are up, but life goes on.

- So, where were we? - I want you to stop.

Hey, whoa!

- Uh, Charly, everything okay? - Yeah.

Except that my life's ruined because of you.

What are you planning to do? Don't do anything stupid.

We're a team. Right, Coach?

- Be quiet! - Drop the glass.

Come on, Charly. Charly!

Shut your mouth!

Just shut your mouth for once!

I told you to shut your mouth!

Is it... Am I... off?

- I can't do this anymore. - Paula?

Paula, be reasonable.

There's no one on this bridge for us to fuck.

- This is nuts! - Oh, nuts?

Says my talking vagina?

You ruined everything! Everything in my life!

I can't look at my phone at all

without being reminded of the disgusting rumors...

- It's called a vulva. - Just shut up.

Seriously! Shut up now!

Who should shut up?

Paula, have you been talking to your vagina?

- Vulva! It's a... - Yeah, idiot!

- It's called a vulva. - That's okay though.

And why does it matter to you?

- Because I get it. - Spit it out.

- I've been talking to my penis. - Yup.

- Yeah, just like all men. - Mine answers.

That sounds ridiculous.

Why didn't you tell me until now?

Same reason you didn't tell me, I guess?

It's ridiculous.

Can you get down now, please?

Okay.

Mr. and Mrs. Perfect played us.

But do you know what the worst thing is?

Our genitals are speaking to us?

We're not friends anymore.

Paula, I'm really sorry.

Are you screwing with me right now?

I reject your apology.

- Hold on, I'm not the enemy. - You're not?

- You called me a training pussy. - What?

I was being completely torn to shreds by the rumor wolves,

and you were too busy kissing your own ass to notice I wasn't all right.

Everyone called me a slut for no reason

while you were doing your thing and getting praised.

Paula, I didn't mean any disres...

Why are the people I love the most never there when I need them the most?

What are you looking at me like that for?

Shut the fuck up.

I think I've lost my best friend.

Can't you just say you're sorry?

I think we're past the point of saying we're sorry.

Hmm.

So all you can really do right now, Charly,

is keep telling Paula just how much she means to you

and how much you truly love her.

And what if that doesn't work out?

Then

you have to let her go, son.

Dad?

Please don't give up.

Why is life so complicated?

And the only person I want to talk to about everything...

...is dead.

I miss him like crazy.

You know, Paula I never really knew Dad.

So I never really had to miss him...

...'cause you were always here.

Paula,

you're the strongest person that I've ever known.

And you might even be the strongest in the world.

I love you, Phoeb.

I love you too.

I can't breathe.

What in the...

Jackass.

- Yes, you're right. I behaved like a jerk. - A massive jerk.

- She makes that sound bad. - That's true.

I... I wish I had a wand I could wave to undo it.

I... I mean, they played both of us.

- Someone's going to pay. - You don't believe that.

Why not?

People like Constantin and Marlene never pay in the end.

The rumors aren't true, you know. I saw him with his pants off.

Mini weenie.

What? She's had more action that we have?

I have an idea.

For the graduation dance tomorrow.

I'm really gonna need your help, though, to pull it off.

Will you go with me?

Okay.

I'll help you.

But I'm not going as your date to the dance. Not officially.

After all of this, we're so done.

- Paula, please. - We have a deal?

We have a deal.

Whoa, that's really hard.

Unlike me.

Ha. Ha ha.

Now we can head in.

Paula, wait!

Okay, what's the plan?

We're going to...

- Charly, I swear if you... - Okay!

- We're making Constantin pay. - Good. And Marlene?

She'll never get over it. Tonight means everything to her.

- Good! - Oh.

How are we going to do this?

It's really simple. We find Françoise and you convince her to help.

Oh, so that's what you need me for, Charly?

That's not what I said.

She won't give you the time of day, but she'll talk to me.

- Hey, I just thought if you... - Fucking talk to her yourself, Charly.

- I'm not fixing your mess! - All right!

All right!

Any day.

Wait a second.

- Just go talk. - I'll talk when I'm ready, all right?

Ready.

There she is.

And... well, do you think I could bring two of my friends with us?

Hola, Françoise.

Like, uh, Fabienne? You met her last week.

She was the one with long, blond hair.

You know what?

I think she has a crush on Marko or Markus.

He's a little devil though.

Hi, Françoise. So Sorry.

- Oh, your outfit. C'est chouette. - Thanks.

Oh, um, I catch up with you in a bit, okay?

Listen, I know he doesn't deserve it, but I could really use a favor.

Okay.

What can I do?

Well, first of all, this little prick wants to apologize to you.

Yes, um, Françoise.

I'm so incredibly sorry about it all,

and I really wish I knew what happened, but I don't remember.

Um, yeah, I know that sounds like an excuse,

but I totally blacked out at Marlene's party that night.

Yeah. Makes you wish you were into girls.

Did I ever say I wasn't?

Nah.

You really don't recall?

D'accord. Alors...

Everything was fine at first. We had a lot of fun. We danced, drank.

But then...

Come, Charly.

Françoise, don't worry. When I get back, it's your turn.

Yeah, Charly. Two babes.

Yes.

I never even said I wanted to sleep with you.

I'm so sorry. Really. I... I don't usually drink a ton of alcohol,

and I was totally wasted that night.

He's been asking his dick for advice.

- All guys do that. - Mm, yeah, but with this one...

Paula, I... I think that we got it.

Okay.

What do you say we teach a lesson to an asshole

who's an asshole when he's sober?

I'm in.

Bonsoir.

Go for it, baby.

Oh, quelle petite.

His dick's really tiny!

Whoa!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick! Consti - No Dick!

- Consti - No Dick! - Oh my God. I feel like shit.

- We're just as bad as them. - Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

Consti - No Dick!

- Consti - No Dick! - Ah! Free at last.

Hey, fans, it's me.

We'll get a selfie later. Hey, Françoise.

You're an asshole, but even an asshole doesn't deserve this.

And neither does Paula.

No more shaming!

Look at me.

Kneel before Princess Pussy/!

What's the point of this bullying?

Why don't we show each other respect...

regardless of our genitals?

We all have insecurities.

We're all the same in the end.

We are who we are.

No more shaming.

- No more shaming. - No more shaming.

- No more shaming. - No more shaming.

Vive les parties génitales!

- No more shaming! - Yeah, man.

No more shaming!

No more shaming!

No more shaming! No more shaming!

No more shaming!

No more shaming!

I'm totally getting fired for this.

No more shaming! No more shaming!

No more shaming!

Mr. Pendergast.

No.

No more shaming! No more shaming!

No more shaming! No more shaming!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Charly.

Hi, Miss Voigt.

Say, what exactly happened with your exams?

Uh, it's complicated.

Have you heard this? A wise man once said,

"Don't let your schooling interfere with your education."

Oh, wow. That really is quite wise.

Well, did you know that an even wiser woman once said,

"I'll see you next year, kid"?

Hey, guys!

I, um...

I... I mean, I've never felt so free.

That's great. I'm so glad.

- Oh my God. I forgot. - What?

Somebody knocked the lights out on your bike.

Oh.

Oh God.

Uh, you said lights, I think, but only one is broken.

Huh. That's right.

That one was for calling me a slut.

Wha...

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Uh...

It's over, Constantin.

Betrayal.

- Marlene. Wait! - Asshole.

Mm. Mm.

Don't touch me like that! You fat ass!

I didn't want to say anything, but you've really put on weight.

Yeah, and you stink.

You know what? Your giant feet are way too big for your little body.

Plus, we hate Mr. Fluffles. He has aggression problems.

Hmm.

No shaming!

Mr. Fluffles does not have aggression problems!

- Did you seriously give me the finger? - Marlene, wait.

She fell into my lap. It was an accident.

Marlene.

So you are definitely the coolest students here.

To be honest, I only did this exchange program to have a little bit of fun.

If you guys are interested, I would be up for a ménage à trois.

Hmm?

I think I'm saving myself for a special girl.

Uh, thanks. We'll get back to you on that.

Okay, my offer stands.

Call anytime. See you.

What they hell was that? Is everyone deaf? Charly, come on.

Um...

so you've moved on to someone new?

Actually, I've known her for a while.

But I screwed it up. I was an idiot.

Quick! Françoise is over there. We can catch up with her.

Okay, I think we nailed it. Let's go to the after-party.

I see.

I guess we're done here.

I, um...

I guess so.

Sure.

It was an honor to get to be your best friend for all these years.

Okay. Bye.

- I don't believe it. - For real?

- Is this finally it? - Oh my God. Oh my God.

- I think... - More games.

- No, I think this is really it. - Okay, we're doing it.

- Help him. Come on. - Yes, come on.

- Sorry, hold on. - Let's get started.

- Okay, wait... - Dreams Coming true.

- It's happening! - Come on.

- You got this. You got this. - Ah?

Yes!

10 SECONDS LATER

Oh, wow.

Yeah, um, wow.

Sorry that I, uh...

It's okay.

- You didn't? - No, uh...

Oh.

Uh...

One more?

11 SECONDS LATER

Ah, dude!

Wha... Wow.

Yeah, was that better?

That was, um, good.

You still didn't?

Nah...

Huh.

I know exactly what I want, though.

Do you hear that?

What?

Exactly.

- Good morning. - Morning.

Okay.

Okay.

- So I'll come pick you up. - Sounds good.

- See you later. - Later.

- Okay, let it out. - Yes.

Yeah.

Haven't been this nervous in a while.

My last date was 20 years ago.

I hope I can do it.

A lot's changed over the last few years.

I mean, you used to have to wait until the third date for a kiss.

Let's see. Maybe today, I can let the little tiger out.

- Not the little tiger, Dad. Please. - But I shouldn't give up on myself.

No, I said you shouldn't give up on Mom.

Oh God. I'm sweating like a pig.

- Um, do I look all right? - Dad.

Are you sure you wanna go through with this?

Yeah.

This is a good thing.

Oh, hello.

My name is Rudi.

Mm, you're even prettier in person than you are in your profile picture.

Beautiful hair.

And lovely long legs, like me.

Mm-hmm.

It's Mom!

Oh.

Your profile didn't mention you had kids.

Mm, well, I didn't wanna risk scaring you off right from the jump.

The plan was first let's see how the date goes,

and then I'd break it to you gently.

Very funny.

Charly, don't wait up for us.

So, where are we going?

I have a reservation at a nice restaurant pretty far out of town.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

Because I've been thinking of trying that yogurt place by the park.

Oh, I love yogurt.

Hopefully they have eggplant there, right?

Eggplant, you say?

Meow.

All right, I'm ready.

How far is the drive?

Don't know.

And we're back with the weather.

There's a definite chance of a hard front coming in.

Yes, it'll be quite wet the next few days.

Did I mention the hard front?

And did I mention just how wet it's going to get? Like, really wet.

Did you miss us?

FOR BERNIE

HARD FEELINGS