Original subtitles

Previously on The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh...

You the new Indians on the block?

Mrs. Mills?

Your teacher is Stu's mother?

That boy has a bony-bone.

Five dead rabbits.

Stu would never do this.

Love thy neighbor.

I'm making them a curry.

Did you make that with a dead rabbit?

I know what I'm doing, I'm a doctor.

Your license approval process is still a bit delayed.

I bet you can afford your own iCloud account.

You know, 'cause of all the drugs.

You have no idea the trouble their daughter got our poor Stu into.

He was banned from Ohio.

What happened in Ohio?

Something very, very illegal.

Our first two months in America were a frigid, fraught disaster.

But then came spring, just as I intended.

Are you taking credit for spring?

Yes.

Pittsburgh isn't as bad when it's not a...

Frozen shithole.

So, you saw the light at the end of the tunnel?

Yes.

That doesn't sound like you.

The light was the headlight of an oncoming train

about to splatter our brains all over the tracks.

There she is. Please, continue.

I was waiting to hear the fate of my medical career,

but my kids wouldn't leave me alone.

Mom, can you sign this permission slip?

It's for a field trip to a chemical plant in Ohio.

Shh!

I need new underwear.

How did that happen?

Well...

I was enlightening American students about pacifism.

I will not fight back, just as Gandhi taught.

He'll feel that tomorrow.

- Mom, can you sign this? - Mom, can you sew this?

Everyone stop. She's expecting an important call from the hospital.

I'd offer you lorazepam,

but I need it for the group shower portion of gymnasium class.

Here's your permission slip. Now for the undies.

Dr. Sudha Pradeep speaking.

Boys, I've signed you up for American sports.

First practice is this weekend.

Cool! I'll invite my posse to watch.

I don't have a posse. Nor desire to go.

The sooner you fit in, the less we'll have to spend on underwear.

No!

My medical license was rejected.

Now, tell me why your medical license was rejected.

Accreditation incompatibilities, AKA America hates brown foreigners.

Wow! Your career, gone!

That must've really pissed you off.

Made you want to take it out on the closest white people around.

Even if I was angry at America, why would I take it out on the Mills?

'Cause everywhere you looked, there they were, in your face.

All roads led to the Mills.

Definitely to Janice.

Yesterday, I saw Janice at the post office,

then the dry cleaner, and then the ATM.

She's everywhere.

Just like those tacky Terry Toyota billboards.

Oh, God. There she is again. Hit the gas! Hit the gas!

Sudha.

I ask for so little, Mahesh.

I know we got off to a rough start with the Mills,

but they're going to be in our lives for a long time.

Only because you don't have the courage to run them over.

Sudha wasn't seeing the big picture.

As my grandfather told me,

an enemy today could be a friend tomorrow.

He was a very wise man, and he was killed by his best friend.

Are you saying your family was friends or enemies with the Mills?

It depends on which Pradeep you ask.

My relationship with them changed through my rocket factory.

Right. The, um, former dildo factory?

That's a versatile space.

Yawn! Can we just get back to Sudha wanting to run over Janice?

Just like the bank tried to run over my dreams.

Denied? I don't understand.

I have a two million dollar SpaceX contract.

And all I need is a half million dollar start-up loan.

The terms of your contract are speculative, at best.

And you have no established credit in the U.S. It's too risky.

But I moved my family across the world for this.

Pulled my kids out of school. Cost my wife her medical career.

I see.

History of reckless decisions.

All right, kids, we need to know where you all stand.

The Mills... friends or enemies?

Lovers.

Your infatuation with Mrs. Mills is noted.

Bhanu, you had a thing for Stu. Is that what Ohio was all about?

Lady, nothing interesting ever happens in Ohio.

Damn it! This field trip is with sophomores?

Ugh, that means Kamal will be on it.

But at least he's not totally useless.

Let's go! Your brother's meds are selling like hotcakes.

Hotcakes laced with drugs.

This is from the last batch.

That's it? This won't get me my own apartment anytime soon.

Bhan-Bhan. We're gonna need a lot more pills

than you can skim off your brother for that.

- Did you just call me "Bhan-Bhan"? - Yeah, did you like it?

Yes-yes.

Cool.

I got an idea. Maybe I can steal my aunt's cat medication to sell.

All due respect to your auntie's cat, I think I have a better supply guy.

That's the school drug dealer.

- Hey, Trevor.

What's up, dude?

So, I've got a business proposition for you.

Hell no.

Oh, come on. I'll buy in bulk.

Here's the first installment.

No, then you'll start poaching my customers.

You really think I want you as a competitor?

You people already fucked me over on the SATs.

It's not my fault we excel academically.

Mrs. Mills? They're from my aunt's bakery.

Oh, I get it. Brownie points.

That is so much better than what I thought of.

Please, don't read my note. It says "extra bread-it."

- Oh. - Mrs. Mills, I can carry those for you.

Hey, don't glom on to my suck-up.

Thank you, Kamal. The Lord smiles on good Samaritans.

Do you Hindus have that story in your Bible?

No. But we have a story about a king

who burns his children alive and gets eaten by a lion god.

Funny. See, in our Bible, everything's true.

How'd we get on Bibles and brownies?

How should I know?

Bhanu, if you don't want to tell us about Ohio, maybe Kamal will.

I didn't even go on the field trip. My mom took me to a psychiatrist.

Psychiatrist? Juicy, do tell.

Dear God, can we please stay on Ohio?

- Seriously? - Yeah.

I think we all know who wins "Shrink v. Ohio."

Anxiety, depression, OCD, trypophobia, agoraphobia,

and PTSD from the Flubber movie.

Those are the ones my Mummi says I have.

But the Internet tells me I also have Bennet syndrome,

- Bertrand syndrome, Beckett syndrome... - Kamal.

Are you involved with any extracurricular activities

to take your mind off of all of this?

Papa signed me up for basketball.

Which only triggers my fear of shiny wood floors, repetitive bouncing,

team work, public cheering, whistles...

I have so many phobias, Dr. Hewitt had to get a second notebook.

And though I might be the nutty Pradeep, my sister Bhanu is the naughty Pradeep.

What happened in Ohio?

Nothing.

Had to be something big for a student to get banned from the whole state.

Oh!

I told you. We know things you don't know we know.

Well, if you know so much, you tell me what happened.

All right.

I know exactly how punks like you are.

Ugh, no luck with Trevor.

Fuck Trevor. Sounds like a dog's name anyway.

Where you going on your field trip tomorrow?

- Steubenville. Ohio. - That place is a pill mill.

Their pharmacies dispense 937% more pills than the national average.

It's perfect for people like us. You know, immoral delinquents.

Fortunately, our hubris makes us think we are smarter than the law.

Unless, a whip-smart, statuesque, Candice Bergen-type interrogator

cracks the case with no help from her deadweight, rookie partner.

She's the full package.

Her last boyfriend really blew a good thing

leaving her for that congresswoman.

Let's go commit interstate crime with the naiveté of dumb youths.

Oh, your disregard for the law turns me on.

You scared yet?

You got nothing.

And you're still not gonna get anything from me. Oh!

Sudha, I want to talk to you about your son seeing a psychiatrist.

Did Kamal get the help from Dr. Hewitt for all his... stuff?

Yes.

Your son has a mess of issues. Though, some are imagined.

Like what?

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

Who prescribed your son's meds before?

Me.

Okay. So, crazy unethical.

Maybe that's why you can't practice medicine here.

No, that is because of racism.

Oh, honey, I'm Black, Jewish, and gay. Get in line.

Maybe the bar is higher for me because I'm a surgeon who saves lives,

whereas you just... chit-chat.

I sense your pain, Dr. Pradeep.

You're the first person to even acknowledge that.

Well, your pain is super obvious.

No, I mean you're the only person who has called me Dr. Pradeep.

Makes me so angry.

What makes you angry?

I've always been Dr. Sudha Pradeep.

And now, I'm just Sudha,

Costco member and reluctant watcher of Judge Judy.

I feel so lost.

I never imagined that my life would be this.

As I hugged that fake silk pillow, I poured my heart out to that fake doctor.

But then I had a real break-through.

Not because that fake doctor was any good,

but because her fake listening reminded me I was once a real doctor.

I was having an identity crisis.

Thank you for letting me use your bathroom.

Wash your hands three more times. Deadly germs are everywhere.

Yes, Mummi.

- So, that explains his germaphobia. - My son can't see me like this.

You just need to establish a new identity here, in this country.

Find a place where you belong.

I told you, I belong to Costco.

I'm in this great book club. We're meeting tomorrow. Come.

Do I have to read the book by then?

Nah. Book clubs here are more about brie and booze.

I could read the book by then, you know.

Uh-huh, I'm sure you could.

I really wanted to punch her fake-doctor face.

As Sudha and I had a check-in over chai,

I was forced to hide our grim outlook.

How'd it go at the bank? Did you get the loan?

Did I get the loan?

You should've heard the banker go on about my boldness

in uprooting our family for this daring venture.

She said it was a no-brainer.

At least that's some good news.

Papa, do I have to do basketball?

I'm not comfortable with communal sweating or showing my knees.

But I have no problem showing my knees.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Pittsburgh hoop superstar Vinod Pradeep!

American fun, here I come!

That's not accurate.

No star-spangled uniform?

No, there was. Just no spotlight. Or announcer.

I think Vinod just wanted to fit in.

Your shrink was right, belonging is important.

Especially in the struggle of immigrants.

America's noblest citizens.

Come with me.

- There was an announcer. - No, there wasn't.

You're siding with the Pradeeps.

I'm trying to understand them.

No, what we're trying to understand is

how everything they're telling us is connected to the Mills.

- What--

My wife just passed her citizenship test.

She's Chinese today, but in six to eight weeks,

she's gonna be Chinese-American.

Uh-huh. Congrats.

Did Bhanu tell you about Ohio yet?

She wouldn't crack.

But I have a new intricate strategy

to find out how it's all connected to Mr. and Mrs. Mills.

How is this all connected to you, Mr. and Mrs. Mills?

Our house was burned down.

I got Bhanu to crack like a walnut.

She and your son were getting pills from Ohio.

She said it was all his idea.

Proverbs 19:9 clearly states that God hates bullshit liars.

And that whole family, bullshit liars.

Why do you hate the Pradeeps?

Oh, it didn't start that way. I am open to other cultures.

It's true. She does "Taco Tuesday."

And every day is "Margarita Monday."

But Bhanu corrupted our poor, sweet Stu.

Lured him into her sleazy drug ring.

It all went down in Ohio.

Bhanu turned her field trip into an interstate crime spree.

First of all, she was disregarding the educational benefits

of a school sponsored activity, which is just sad.

Which goes to the next...

As a teacher, it breaks my heart

to see a student turn their back on knowledge.

But all Bhanu could think of was getting out of there to do her dirty deed.

She seduced my innocent son into being her accomplice.

It was like "Bhanu and Clyde." But Clyde was a good boy, my boy.

Got my mom's prescription pad. But we only got 30 minutes.

- I don't feel right about this.

Shut up and drive!

Yes, ma'am.

She also made him break the speed limit.

Which is never okay.

Bhanu had no problem breaking every law known to God and man.

And the FDA.

We've sinned. If we repent now...

- Get your shit together!

I'm nervous driving back with all these pills.

They have cops at the state line.

They won't search a school bus.

You are Satan's harlot.

Damn right.

And just like that, she snuck back in, all covered in sin.

Did you know your daughter was doing drug deals with Stu Mills?

That's not true.

And if it were, which again, it is not, Stu made her do it.

Janice said Bhanu made Stu do it.

Of course, she did. She's out to get us.

She has always hated me and takes it out on my whole family.

Janice didn't always hate you as much as you think.

I'm an expert in measuring people's dislike of other people.

Janice's dislike of me was a 9.7.

Mine of her was immeasurable because she's a liar.

Even about brownies.

What's with these... brownies?!

Well, they showed up again at the book club.

Sudha, meet Minerva.

Welcome. I don't care if you use coasters as long as you drink.

I'm perfectly capable of using coasters either way.

Sorry to keep yinz waitin'! Now we can start this party.

What is she doing here?

You know Janice?

She's my mortal enemy.

Well, hey there, neighbor!

Funny seeing you here. What a coinkidink.

Oh, you know that curry you made us. It did not sit well with Jimbo.

- Oh, no. - Came out both ends.

This is the revenge curry you made from the dead rabbits?

That their son put on our porch as a hate crime, yes.

May I continue?

How are you in a book club with her? She has a furry Bible.

Minerva waxes us both.

Oh, what an unfortunate Venn diagram.

Soo-da? Am I saying that right?

No.

Do you use Minerva?

No, Dr. Hewitt invited me.

Oh, you should use Minerva.

I know ethnic hair shows up more down there. Your hubby will thank you.

Okay, everyone, help yourself to my homemade brownies.

They pair perfectly with Minerva's margaritas.

Homemade? Kamal told me a girl in his class brought Janice brownies.

I bet those are them. Such a liar.

Who wants to be naughty yet open-minded and micro-dose MDMA?

Oh, no, thank you. Jesus is my drug.

I won't judge, but He will.

Hit me.

I woke up to find my four-year-old staring at me with murder in his eyes.

I'll do some too. My cat has glaucoma,

so it's really hard to watch him bat at things that aren't there.

It's so stressful.

You're stressed?

I was ripped from the womb of my life

and stripped of my very essence

by the Allegheny County Board of Medical Supervisors.

You're a little keyed up. Maybe just have a little Kim Crawford.

Doctor's orders.

You're not a real doctor.

I get it. You acted out. Janice was there.

I couldn't get rid of her.

Like a yeast infection that keeps flaring up.

The Mills did show up in our lives a lot, but I took it as a sign from the universe.

What's in that sandwich?

Oh, it's bok choy, avocado, and corn chips

with a drizzle of ranch dressing and soy sauce.

My wife makes it. You gotta try it, it's life changing.

Exquisite.

So, what do you mean "a sign from the universe"?

Karma.

So, you're saying Sudha did something bad

to deserve Janice always showing up in her life?

That's not how karma works. It's existential.

Veiled in causality and purpose.

Sometimes, we find the answer in a shape we never expected.

But always needed.

You could so easily start a cult. I mean, white girls would just line up.

Oh, you flatter me.

Well, what shape did karma take in your life?

The shape of a kind man with a knack and a love for coaching young boys.

- Yeah!

Hey, there, neighbor! What a coinkidink.

Jimbo, what are you doing here?

Well, it seems I'm your boy's b-ball coach.

Ain't that a kick in the nuts?

Does Mrs. Mills ever come here? Like, as a cheerleader?

There's Mo and Willa. My posse.

Hey, posse!

Thanks for the invite, never been courtside.

I feel like Matt Damon.

It's just a practice. Drills and such.

It beats eating Cheez-its and watching Mo play Xbox in his parents' basement.

You said you liked that.

I don't.

By the way, that uniform's on point.

Thank you. Etsy really delivered.

Don't worry, Mahesh, I'm gonna whip your boys into little LeBrons.

I don't think you should use "whip" in the context of a Black man.

Right. Don't want to get Me Too'd.

Dribble, dribble, dribble, dribble...

Jimbo was quite a coach. He turned Vinod into a real baller.

Go Vinod! Whoo!

Even his lady friend took notice.

And he helped Kamal as much as anyone could help Kamal.

Embrace the germs. Raw-dog it, boy!

Ugh!

Jimbo missed a flagrant foul by a jealous boyfriend on Vinod.

Walk it off, Big V!

But he got Vinod back onto his feet and back into the action.

Your little guy's a natural. Kamal's still wiping his balls.

He's a work in progress.

Aren't we all? How's your rocket business going?

Taking off yet? Get it?

I do. Rockets take off.

Oh. I was making a different joke.

So, business is good?

Oh, very good. Yes! So good, so good.

Hey! How's book club?

Hell. Please, come and pick me up.

Why are you such a bitch to Janice? Huh?

She's an angel.

I see the drugs have taken effect.

Who's on drugs?

Everyone. But worse, Janice Mills is here.

That's so funny. Jimbo Mills is the boys' coach.

I think he'd call this a double-coinkidink.

Why can't we get away from the Mills?

What did I do in my past life to deserve this karma?

That's not how karma works. It's existential.

Veiled in causality and purpose.

As my husband blathered on about karma,

karma was about to hand me a big win.

Sudha, sweetie, can you pass me one of those brownies?

I accidentally handed Janice a drug-soaked brownie.

If I only knew what terrible thing I had done.

Mmm. Mmm! So moist. Jesus has truly blessed my baking hands.

Because if I had known, I would've enjoyed it.

Damn!

The Pradeeps couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting the Mills.

It must've been torture for them seeing them everywhere.

Seeing them everywhere isn't a motive to burn down their house.

Don't go soft on them because of your situation.

What situation?

Your immigrant Chinese wife. Don't make me say it.

You just said it. What part didn't you say?

You know what, forget it.

Let's go back to how I did a great job

tying the Mills to two threads you didn't think were worth pursuing.

Settle down. We still have a loose end.

Not for long.

You told Sudha you got the bank loan, but you also told Jimbo

that your business was doing well.

Lying to your wife, I get it, but your kids' coach?

You can't get that trust back.

I know. I felt so dirty.

But the truth set us all free at the end of basketball practice.

Why'd you trip me earlier?

I'm sick of you showboating with your fancy working legs,

trying to steal my girl.

I'm not trying to steal Willa.

Yeah, Mo, chill out.

I will not chill out. I don't feel cherished by you anymore.

You never want to make out.

I told you I'm not ready.

Willa, if Mo's not ready, he's not ready.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to be late for my group shower.

Don't talk to my girlfriend about your steamy showers!

It appears my son Vinod is embroiled in a love triangle.

Nice! You want me to give him the old talk?

You know, sex stuff's always less awkward coming from a coach.

You're very kind, Jimbo.

Helping Kamal with his OCD,

offering to teach Vinod about intercourse.

Well, coaching doesn't stop on the court.

It's even more important in the game of life.

I could use some coaching.

Lay it on me, big guy.

I lied to you. My rocket business isn't taking off.

I have no funding.

If I don't get some soon, we may have to move back to India.

Oh, buddy, you just got here.

Listen, I might be able to get you an investor.

I know a guy.

Oh, that's exciting. Tell me more.

I can make an introduction as long as you don't ask any questions.

- Is it legal? - I said no questions.

Yes or no, bud?

Yes.

Great! Let me know if you have any questions.

Did you know your husband was doing business deals with Jimbo Mills?

- That's not true. - Oh.

And if it were, which again, it is not,

Jimbo made him do it.

Is that why you burned their house?

Ali-Baba, why is it that every time one of these morons almost dies,

everyone blames me?

Every time? Was there some other time

that you were accused of trying to kill a Mills?

Okay, maybe, Janice, a little.

Personally, I found Of Women and Salt a really compelling narrative...

Holy moly! Janice?

Ooh! How many margaritas did she have?

What's that brown stuff in the foam?

I think it's brownie.

Someone must have dosed her.

You think I poisoned Janice?

I saw you give her a brownie.

The brownies she lied about making?

- Somebody call 911!

There's no time. She needs a gastric lavage.

Unfortunately, I took a Hippocratic Oath which forced me to save Janice's life.

There was no time to sanitize the fish tank equipment.

And even if I could, I wouldn't.

Janice would have to take the dirty fish tube, fish poo and all.

Baking soda. Fizzy water.

I had to funnel more liquid into her than a frat boy during Rush Week.

- Oh!

And just like that frat boy, it all came back up.

Thank you, Dr. Pradeep, for saving my life.

Fuck those idiots for not approving your medical license.

Dr. Pradeep! Dr. Pradeep!

- Oh, yeah! Pradeep! Doctor! - Dr. Pradeep!

Dr. Pradeep!

Okay, maybe Janice didn't thank me and nobody chanted.

But someone clapped.

What happened?

I saved your life.

I still think she poisoned her.

Sudha poisoned Janice. Mahesh was into shady deals with Jimbo.

The Mills were like quicksand, sucking them in.

- This helps our case. - Sure does!

Where you at with Ohio?

Bhanu's stonewalling, but I got an ace up my sleeve.

Hey, sneaky sneak. I saw you sneak out from the field trip.

Where'd you sneak off to?

Nowhere.

Your knuckles are white from clutching your bag.

Tell me.

- Mr. Marshall! - Shh!

Okay, fine. I got pills in town.

Go you. I want in.

It was a one-time thing.

It doesn't have to be.

My aunt owns a bakery.

She delivers out here.

Cut me in and we could use her truck.

The driver's chill. We just gotta throw him a little something.

One condition.

What?

You have to give my brother a hand job

so he stops jerking off to my boyfriend's mom.

Weird.

But deal.

And that's just a little taste of what happened.

Bhanu thought she could hide her dirty little secrets,

but there's always a rat to uncover her cheese.

Before this rat tells you anymore, I'm gonna need full immunity.

Sure. Why not?

Do we have that kind of power?

- Yes. - Yes.

Go ahead. Tell us everything you know, Lexi.

Okay.

Next on The Pradeeps of Pittsburgh...

I'm thinking about having sex with Stu.

I'll give you a crash course.

A fruity "thank you" for working on getting me that investor.

It's not a done deal, but with this gift, the pressure's really on.

Then Sudha came for my Mitables business.

Can't wait to steal your crown, Janice.

That's a lot of Mitables.

What the fudge?!

I was busy dealing with a steamy love triangle.

What is this, huh? Bros before hoes?

Cover your ears, Vinod. I'm about to pop off on this jerk.

I would like to speak to my lawyer.