Original subtitles

Older Ted: In may of 2009, I was on the verge of scoring

my first big client as an independent architect.

I was willing to do anything to make it happen.

Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.

We're opening a restaurant called rib town,

and we want it to be shaped

like a cowboy hat.

Older Ted: Anything.

A cowboy hat?

That's brilliant. I love it!

I mean, nothing says delicious like the inside of a cowboy hat, right?

Look, I'm telling you, I'm your guy. I...

I think I was born to design this building. I just...

I see it.

I don't see it. I don't see it. I don't see it.

Hey.

What's so good about it?

Uh-oh. Up all night?

I told these guys I have a vision for this thing.

They want to see a pitch in a week, and I got nothing.

Oh, it's cute.

Cute?

Yeah. Robin,

I could be designing concert halls and Bridges.

Bridges so beautiful they could be in museums.

And I could design those museums.

But what am I designing instead? What has my career come to?

A two-story stetson with outdoor dining on the brim.

It's a sick cosmic joke. The universe is conspiring against me.

Oh, you just need to get out of the house. Take a walk. Get a bagel.

Yeah. Yeah, that'il solve everything.

I haven't slept for 34 hours, but a bagel is the answer.

A cinnamon-raisin bagel with a little cream cheese.

Actually, that sounds pretty good. I'm going to get a bagel.

Bring an umbrella.

It's supposed to rain, according to galoshes, our weather clown.

Your show has a clown who does the weather?

That's a little cheesy, don't you think?

Yeah.

And what's that restaurant you're designing shaped like, hoss?

Fine. You want me out of the house, I'll get out of the house.

Uh-huh.

Can't wait to see what the universe has lined up for me out there.

Older Ted: Kids, I've been telling you the story of how I met your mother.

And while there's many things to learn from this story,

this may be the biggest.

The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do.

They'll also be the things that happen to you.

No, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life.

You have to take action, and you will.

But never forget that, on any day,

you could step out the front door and your whole life can change forever.

You see, the universe has a plan, kids, and that plan is always in motion.

A butterfly flaps its wings,

And it starts to rain.

It's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful.

All these little parts of the machine constantly working,

making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be,

exactly when you're supposed to be there.

The right place at the right time.

Older Ted: Kids, it's a miracle that I ended up on that street corner,

especially when you consider how easy it would have been not to end up there.

I mean, for instance, when I first stepped out of the apartment,

I almost went right instead of left.

Why didn't I go right?

Well, to answer that, we have to go back a few days.

As you know, back then, your aunt Robin hosted a morning show.

Now eunice here makes all of these purses herself.

They are hand-embroidered with the world's finest silk.

And each one takes months to make.

I cannot emphasize how much work goes into...

Go to weather, you idiots.

Hey, everybody.

We got a high-pressure system coming in from the west and...

On the plus side, ibought the cutest purse today.

So, wait, why did you throw up?

You don't want to know.

Come on. Tell me.

I'm pregnant.

I will raise this child with you. You are not alone in this.

We can even get married if you want, but I'd still want to see other girls,

so it'd have to be one of those kinds of marriages.

God, stop it.

I'm not pregnant. It's food poisoning. God!

I ate something from this place,

and three hours later, I was spewing like an open hydrant.

God. From where?

Well, that's a gross question.

No, where was the food from?

I don't want to tell you. What?

Ted, Ted! Go to YouTube. Put in "Robin scherbatsky, morning show, vomit."

Oh, hey, Robin. Home so soon?

Someone already put it on YouTube?

Yeah. Someone.

So, why you been throwing up? You pregnant?

Yeah, Barney. I'm pregnant.

So, wait, why won't you tell me where you got food poisoning?

You love this place. If I tell you, it'll just ruin it.

Okay. That makes sense.

Yeah.

Don't tell me.

Is it that Indian place where the cat jumps on all the tables?

I'm not saying.

That Spanish place with the baby's crib

in the middle of the restaurant?

I'm not saying.

God, no. No, no, no.

Is it this place? Tell me, damn you!

Fine, you really want to know?

Yes!

It's schlegel's bagels.

Why did you tell me that?

Schlegel's? Thanks a lot, Robin.

Now I'm gonna have to try to find another place in New York

that serves bagels.

Older Ted: So, you see, kids, if I had gone to schlegel's bagels, as usual,

I would have taken a right.

Older Ted: I would have gotten a bagel,

gone home, worked on the old hat building,

and you kids might never have been born.

But I turned left instead, to go to my second-favorite bagel place,

and the rest is history.

Of course, istopped at that magazine stand on the way.

Why did I stop there? Here's why.

Yes.

Yes!

Bro's life magazine.

Page 83. Check it.

"What your paintball gun says about your personality."

Below that.

"That last five pounds. How to get her to lose them."

Above that.

"Petra petrova."

Petra petrova.

Bro's life magazine's girl of the year for may.

A delicate flower in stiletto pumps and leopard panties,

straddling an atv.

These magazines are so lame.

I mean, she's probably airbrushed and enhanced.

I have a date with her.

You are my hero! Are you serious?

How do you have a date with her?

Not part of the story.

Ted, I have been waiting a long time to say this.

This girl is the one.

Of course, she's the one. You have to marry those.

Her.

Marry?

No. I have something much, much more special in mind.

Petra here, if all goes well,

will be my... Wait for it... 200th.

Sorry, I couldn't wait. It's all too exciting.

Your 200th, as in "sex with"?

As in "sex with." I request the highest of fives.

Not if I was wearing a Hazmat suit.

Two hundred is too many.

Oh. Right, 'cause there can be too many of something wonderful.

"Hey, babe Ruth, easy, big fella. Let's not hit too many homers."

"Hey, Steve guttenberg, maybe just make three police academy movies.

"America's laughed enough."

Who are these girls?

That was rhetorical. Don't show me the list.

A hundred and ninety-nine satisfied customers.

Anyway, the big night is Thursday.

I'm having a celebratory soirée beforehand at maclaren's.

Prepare a toast. Black tie optional, but preferred.

Gifts are, look, I would say unnecessary, but follow your heart.

Barney, 200's too many.

It's not too many. It's too many!

It's not too many.

Thank you.

No, don't get me wrong.

You're disgusting,

and the cops should probably clamp a boot on your genitals,

but that number should be higher.

After Barney told me about all this, I crunched the numbers and, well,

I had some charts made up.

Barney here hits on roughly 20 girls a week.

Whoa! It's way more than 20. And b. Smooth don't do nothing roughly.

Let's say 20. So, 20 girls a week means 1,040 girls a year.

In Barney's 16 years of sexual activity,

that means he's hit on 16,640 girls.

Now, if he's bedded 199 of them,

that's a success rate of

a little over one percent.

That's a batting average of12,

eight times worse than the career batting average

of one-handed pitcher, that's right, pitcher, Jim abbott.

Jealous. Jealous.

Hero.

Suspiciously quiet during this conversation

about number of sex partners.

Hero.

It's the grand total. That's the only number that matters.

Says who?

Matthew panning,

the stud of port Richmond middle school.

Sfinson, youte such a dweeb-o.

I bet you never even done it with a girl.

Neither have you.

How many times do I have to explain this?

I've done it with 100 girls.

They're seventh graders at my cousin's school on long island.

Well, you know what, Matthew? Someday, I'm gonna do it with 200.

Yeah. Call me when that happens.

And call him I will.

I think he's gonna say it again really slow.

Call him

iwill.

Hey, you listed Gaby Allan twice, as 78 and 162.

What? Let me see.

Seven... one... oh, my god.

Wait I... I counted the same girl twice? That means I'm only at 198?

Well, that only means that you're half a percent less gross than we thought.

I'm seducing a Czech supermodel in two hours.

I can't squander that on 199.

Petra has to be 200.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I mean, it's not like you're gonna find someone new

to have sex with in the next two hours.

Hi, Barney Stinson, millionaire astronaut.

Wanna come back to my place and see some moon shells?

Go away.

I just got back from my wife's grave.

Put her in the ground a year ago today.

Man, I miss her. I sure could use some comfort.

You're creepy.

Man, aren't you sick of all the games? I just want to settle down

and have a gaggle of rug rats, like, right now.

I have mace, and I enjoy using it.

Marshall.

Knowing how important this is to me, do you think Lily would even consider...

And by the way, I would do all the work...

I will end your life.

Right.

Where'd Barney go? It's been over an hour.

You know, looking over the names on this list,

I'm not sensing a lot of ethnic diversity.

He should really look at that in himself.

Okay. All done.

One hundred and ninety-nine down, one more to go.

Hey, you done with your drink?

There's the stuff.

What the hell happened to you?

So, there's this girl at my gym, pauline.

She's been after me for some time.

Why'd you wait until now?

She's not exactly my type.

Barney: Looking good, pauline.

You are gonna rip it up

at the women's pumping iron classic in sarasota this fall.

So, I was thinking about you and me,

and if you're still interested...

Okay, blondie, time for mama's cardio.

Sweet mommy!

Every inch of her tasted like roast beef and creatine.

But I did it.

I did it, and I still have 30 minutes before I'm supposed to meet Petra.

Robin, do you have any concealer handy?

I'd really like to cover up some bruises and razor burn.

Barney,

I hate to break this to you, but...

What?

Well, you did count Gaby Allan twice,

but you also went from 138 to 138.

You used the same number twice.

Wait, so that means

pauline wasn't 199, pauline was 200?

Congratulations!

No! Hey, that was supposed to be Petra! Petra was supposed to be 200!

Gorgeous, feminine, doesn't-wear-a-weight-belt -in-bed Petra!

Hey, come on. You made it to 200.

Yeah.

You should be proud.

You should be tested, but you should be proud.

Who cares if pauline doesn't pose for bikini pictures in magazines?

Actually, she does.

She's gonna be in next week's issue of muscle sexxy.

And, like many of the ladies in that magazine,

"sexxy" has two x's and one y.

Older Ted: And so, on my way to get a bagel,

I stopped at a news stand for a full minute to check out a picture of Barney's 200th.

Barney!

Older Ted: Ifl hadn't done that, I would've walked right by the news stand,

cut down 77th and gotten to that corner a minute early.

I would've gotten the bagel, done some work,

and you kids might never have been born.

Now, why did I cut down 77th and give a dollar to the homeless guy?

Here's why.

Back when Marshall first started working at Goliath national bank...

Fran, I don't mean to bother you, but I have a big presentation tomorrow,

and it would really help

if I could get, like, some charts and graphs made up.

Could you help me with that?

Honey, this is the graphics department.

We can make as many graphs, as many charts, in as many colors,

on as many kinds of paper as you want.

Oh, Fran.

Oh, franny, franny, Fran.

We are gonna have some fun.

I ranked the presidents in order of how dirty their names sound.

One, Johnson.

Two, bush.

Three, Harding.

Four, polk.

This circle represents "people who are breaking my heart,"

and this circle represents

"people who are shaking my confidence daily."

And where they overlap,

Cecilia.

This is a pie chart describing my favorite bars.

And this is a bar graph describing my favorite pies.

What's going on?

Enough with the charts.

And the graphs.

Really, any visual representation of data.

I'm not an idiot. Okay?

I know how you guys feel about my charts and my graphs.

As a matter of fact, I've made a chart of your reaction to my charts.

Let's take a look. Yes, it is true.

Since Cecilia, your interest in my charts has been steadily dropping.

But, based on recent trends, I have also made

a projection chart!

And look, huge spike in interest coming!

And this isn'tjust some dead cat bounce.

This is big, sustainable growth over the long term.

You're a big, sustainable growth.

Okay. So, I have prepared a few charts

to demonstrate how setting up a shell corporation in Bermuda

could help minimize our second-quarter losses

and save you all some jail time.

To begin with...

Could you just please excuse me?

Mosbius designs.

What the hell happened to my charts?

We threw them away.

What?

That's how an intervention works, Marshall.

You wouldn't stop using, so we flushed your stash.

Come on, Ted! I need my charts, man!

Just for today, and then I promise I will never ever use charts again.

I'm under a lot of pressure here. I need my charts, Jack!

My god, you're doing charts at work?

They're for work, you idiot! I'm giving a big presentation right now,

and if I don't have those charts, I'm gonna get fired!

Oh, crap. Okay, stay right there. I'll bring them to you.

Hurry up! I'll try to think of a way to stall them.

Hi. Okay.

I'm sorry, but there's been a little delay with the charts.

But we will get started in just a minute.

Fish are weird, right?

I mean, what's up with fish?

Milt: Charts! Get your charts here!

Oh! Excuse me, milt. I think those are my charts.

These charts? Yeah.

On my blanket?

That's also my blanket. We'll get to that later.

But I really need these charts.

Oh good, 'cause they're for sale.

Fine, how much?

One million dollars.

I'll give you five bucks.

A million dollars.

No one's gonna pay a million dollars for these charts.

One million dollars.

Okay, milt, you win.

I'm gonna give you one million dollars.

Urinating...

The problem is, the atm...

The alien time machine.

The alien time machine has a withdrawal limit.

So, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna give you one dollar a day,

for a million days.

Thats_.

That's 2,700 years.

Yeah.

Deal!

Okay.

Suckeh

I'm sorry, is there a land bass I don't know about?

Let's get started.

Older Ted: And so, if! Hadn't bought those charts back for Marshall,

I wouldn't have had to cut down 77th to give milt his daily dollar

and, well, you know the rest.

Milt: Thank you.

Older Ted: So, there you have it, kids.

There's a lot of little reasons

why the big things in our lives happen.

If I had known then where all those little things were leading me,

and how grateful I'd be to get there,

we", [probably would've done something

like this.

Hey, hey, glad girls only want to get you high

hey, hey, glad girls only want to get you high

hey, hey, glad girls only want to get you high

and they're all right and they're all right

and they're all right and they're all right

glad girls only want to get you high

and they're all right and they're all right

older Ted: Because, somehow, I ended up in the right place at the right time.

And, as a result, my life would never be the same.

Older Ted: The next day, uncle Barney finally confronted Matthew panning,

the stud of port Richmond middle school.

So, Barney, great to hear from you after all this time.

What's been going on?

I've had sex with 200 women.

Oh god! That's way too many.

I mean, that's just gross.

Have you sought counseling for sex addiction?

Because you're a prime candidate.

Have you sought counseling for I win-you lose?

Yeah, suddenly those 100 girls you nailed in the seventh grade

aren't so impressive.

A hundred girls? Is that what this is about?

Barney, I lied.

Sure you did.

I was 12. Of course I was lying.

I didn't have a pet ewok, either.

Sure you didn't.

Your whole adult life has been built around

something I lied about when I was 12?

Jealous?

Look, I gotta go pick my kids up at school.

It sounds like you got a lot of problems.

Good luck, I guess.

I'm awesome.

Okay, 200.

Now what?