Original subtitles

STARRING ANDY GRIFFITH...

WITH RONNY HOWARD...

ALSO STARRING DON KNOTTS.

HI, ANGE.

HELLO, BARN.

BOY, YOU SURE ARE HAPPY TODAY.

YEAH. YOU BET I AM.

AND HERE'S 300 LITTLE REASONS WHY.

$300?

THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S ALL YOU HAD IN THE BANK, AIN'T IT?

YEAH. I DREW IT OUT.

FOR WHAT?

GUESS. I CAN'T GUESS.

GUESS. I CAN'T GUESS.

GUESS! WELL...

I'M GONNA BUY A CAR.

YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?

I'M GONNA BUY A CAR.

I DREW MY SAVINGS OUT OF THE BANK

AND I'M GONNA GET MYSELF AN AUTOMOBILE.

THAT'S YOUR NEST EGG.

NEST EGG NOTWITHSTANDING, I'M GONNA LIVE A LITTLE.

ARE YOU SURE?

YOU'RE WELCOME TO THE PATROL CAR ANYTIME.

THANKS BUT NO, THANKS.

ABOUT TIME I HAD A CAR OF MY OWN.

FROM NOW ON, I AM MR. INDEPENDENT WHEELS.

HERE'S ONE FOR A FIXER-UPPER.

"1949 HUDSON TERRAPLANE --

"WAS FALLEN ON LAST SATURDAY BY A 30-TON SEMI TRAILER.

"LOTS OF MILES LEFT IN THE RUBBER.

CASH OR SWAP FOR 12 GOOD LAYING HENS."

I WONDER WHAT KIND OF SHAPE THAT'S IN.

HEY, BARN. HMM?

TOMORROW'S SUNDAY.

WHY DON'T YOU WAIT TILL THE FIRST OF THE WEEK

BEFORE YOU MAKE SUCH A BIG DECISION?

ANGE, WHEN THE OLD STEEL TRAP IN HERE HAS MADE UP ITS MIND,

THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.

HEY, ANGE?

HMM?

THIS LOOKS RIGHT UP MY STREET.

"AGED WIDOW MUST SELL

"BEAUTIFULLY MAINTAINED LOW-MILEAGE CAR.

"ONE OWNER. 1954 FORD SEDAN

"HAS BEEN DRIVEN ONLY TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY

"AND ONCE A YEAR TO AUNT MARTHA'S FOR THANKSGIVING.

"NO DEALERS.

"ANY REASONABLE OFFER.

THE GOOD LORD WILLING, YOU'LL CALL MP-3791."

THAT'S OVER IN MT. PILOT.

YOU SEE? THIS IS THE DAY I'M SUPPOSED TO BUY A CAR.

IT'S THE OLD HANDWRITING ON THE WALL.

"BUY A CAR TODAY, BARNEY!"

RELAX, BARN. COME ON. SIT DOWN.

THE CAR WILL BE HERE IN A MINUTE.

THIS IS JUST ABOUT THE BIGGEST THING I EVER BOUGHT.

IT'S A MAJOR STEP.

LAST BIG BUY I MADE WAS

MY MOM'S AND DAD'S ANNIVERSARY PRESENT.

WHAT'D YOU GET 'EM?

SEPTIC TANK.

FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY?

YEAH.

OH, THEY'RE REALLY HARD TO BUY FOR.

BESIDES, IT WAS SOMETHING THEY COULD USE.

THEY WERE REALLY THRILLED.

TWO TONS OF CONCRETE, ALL STEEL REINFORCED.

YOU'RE A FINE SON, BARN.

WELL, I TRY.

DID YOU SEE THAT?

THAT'S THE TIP-OFF.

THIS CAR'S JUST BEEN SITTIN' ON A VELVET PILLOW.

MRS. LESCH!

YES.

MR. FIFE?

THAT'S RIGHT, MA'AM.

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS THE, UH, THE CAR, HUH?

THIS IS, UH, MY LATE HUSBAND'S MACHINE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

OH, MY FRIEND ANDY TAYLOR.

HOW DO, MA'AM?

PLEASURE.

WELL, YOU MIND IF I GIVE HER A ONCE

OH, MERCY. YOU DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE.

ALL RIGHT.

I-I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

IT TOOK ME FOUR HOURS FROM MT. PILOT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TROUBLE, DID YOU?

IT USUALLY TAKES JUST ABOUT A HOUR.

OH, WELL, I NEVER DRIVE THE MACHINE

OVER 25 MILES AN HOUR

AND I ALSO LIKE TO GIVE IT

A TEN-MINUTES' REST EVERY HALF HOUR.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR IT?

WELL, UH, COULDN'T WE TALK JUST A LITTLE BIT?

I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

OH, WELL, MRS. LESCH...

IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT HIS CREDIT RATING,

I CAN VOUCH FOR THAT.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU SEE, MY HUSBAND LOVED AND CHERISHED THIS MACHINE.

HE WANTED TO MAKE SURE IT-IT GOT A GOOD HOME

SO, SO YOU SEE, MONEY IS NOT

THE PRIME OBJECTIVE HERE.

WELL, I'M KNOWN AS A VERY NICE PERSON, MRS. LESCH.

YOU CAN ASK ANYBODY HERE IN TOWN, RIGHT, ANGE?

YOU CERTAINLY CAN.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

EVEN IF YOU HADN'T SAID ANYTHING,

I COULD TELL THERE WAS A LOT OF KINDNESS BEHIND THOSE EYES.

WELL, THAT'S ME.

KIND BEHIND THE EYES.

HOW MUCH DID YOU WANT?

WELL, UH, I DO OWE THE PILOT PINES FUNERAL PARLOR $140

AND THEN THERE'S THE LAWYER AND DAD DID LEAVE

A FEW DEBTS.

HE-HE WASN'T VERY GOOD WITH MONEY.

I BET HE HAD A GOOD HEART, THOUGH.

OH, BLESS YOU.

YOU TALK LIKE YOU KNEW HIM.

SUPPOSE I GIVE YOU...

UH, UH, UH, BARN...?

MRS. LESCH, WOULD YOU EXCUSE US JUST A MINUTE?

OF COURSE.

DON'T YOU THINK

YOU'RE JUMPING INTO THIS THING AWFUL FAST?

ANDY, I DON'T WANT TO LOSE IT.

THERE AIN'T ANOTHER BUYER IN 20 FEET OF YOU.

I'D ADVISE YOU TO TAKE A SPIN IN IT.

GO OVER TO THE FILLIN' STATION

AND LET WALLY CRAWL UNDERNEATH AND LOOK IT OVER.

I'D BE INSULTING HER.

IT WOULDN'T BE AN INSULT. THIS IS BUSINESS.

IT'S A BIG STEP IN YOUR LIFE.

MR. FIFE?

YES?

IF, UH, IF YOU'D LIKE

TO DRIVE THE CAR AROUND A LITTLE BIT,

YOU FEEL FREE TO DO SO.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU TAKE IT

TO A MECHANIC YOU CAN TRUST AND HAVE HIM LOOK IT OVER...

I TRUST YOU, MRS. LESCH.

WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT, BARN?

AFTER ALL, I AM A STRANGER TO YOU.

NOW, PLEASE, GET IN THE CAR AND, AND TAKE IT TO A MECHANIC.

NO!

NOW HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT, MRS. LESCH?

OH, I KNOW SO LITTLE ABOUT SUCH MATTERS...

WELL, UH, NOBODY ASKED ME,

BUT I'D SAY A HUNDRED DOLLARS IS A RIGHT FAIR PRICE.

THAT CAR IS NEARLY TEN YEARS OLD.

EXCUSE ME, MRS. LESCH.

ANDY, THAT'S AN INSULT.

I'VE GOT $300.

UH, MR. FIFE...

I-I HAVE THE TOTAL ON THOSE FIGURES.

THE FUNERAL HOME, THE LAWYER,

THE PROPERTY AND INHERITANCE TAX

AND IT COMES TO $297.50.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

I JUST HAPPEN TO HAVE...

WELL, IT'S PROBABLY MORE, BUT, UH,

I'M SO MUDDLE-HEADED SINCE MY DEAR LATE BERNARD PASSED ON.

BERNARD?

THAT WAS YOUR HUSBAND'S NAME?

THAT'S MY NAME!

THEY CALL ME BARNEY,

BUT THAT'S JUST A NICK FOR BERNARD.

B

YEAH.

OH. OH, I FEEL JUST AS IF THE CAR'S

GOING TO STAY IN THE FAMILY.

LET'S MAKE THE DEAL RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

HERE'S $300 EVEN.

AND I'LL GIVE YOU, UH, $2.50 CHANGE.

NO. MRS. LESCH...

THAT'S FOR MR. LESCH'S FAVORITE CHARITY.

BLESS YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL, UH, I'LL HAVE TO MAIL YOU

THE OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE.

MAIL HIM? BUT, UH, I THOUGHT...

ANDY, I'LL HANDLE THIS.

THAT'S PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT, MRS. LESCH.

HERE ARE THE KEYS.

RABBIT'S FOOT.

THAT WAS MY BARNEY'S.

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO KEEP THIS FOR YOUR SCRAPBOOK.

NO. I WANT YOU TO KEEP IT.

LET ME DRIVE YOU TO MT. PILOT?

NO, THANK YOU. THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY.

MY NEPHEW IS PICKING ME UP AT THE CHURCH AROUND THE CORNER.

I'LL HAVE A MOMENT TO MEDITATE.

BLESS YOU.

DON'T LOOK BACK, MRS. LESCH.

HOW'D YOU DO, MYRT?

UNLOADED ANOTHER ONE, JAKE.

300 EASY CLAMS FROM THE SUCKER OF THE WORLD.

LET'S BLOW.

BLESS YOU, JAKE.

NICE.

ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE, LET ME HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

LET ME HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

EVERYBODY, LET ME HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

OPE, DON'T LEAN AGAINST THE CAR.

LET'S GET THIS RIDE STARTED.

WHERE DO YOU WANT US TO SIT?

WELL, LET'S SEE.

UM, AUNT BEE...

LET'S SEE, I WANT TO DISTRIBUTE THE WEIGHT EVEN

SO SHE'LL RIDE SMOOTH.

FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES, BARN,

IT'S NOT A BOAT OR A AIRPLANE.

I JUST DON'T WANT TO OVERLOAD THE SPRINGS!

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

ALL RIGHT, NOW FOR THE BACK SEAT.

AUNT BEE, YOU SIT IN THE BACK SEAT

AND, GOMER, YOU SIT

IN THE BACK SEAT WITH AUNT BEE

AND, OPE, YOU SIT

IN THE BACK SEAT WITH GOMER AND AUNT BEE.

NOW THAT TAKES CARE OF THE BACK SEAT.

NOW FOR THE FRONT SEAT:

NOW, I'LL DRIVE, SO I'LL SIT IN THE FRONT SEAT

AND, THELMA LOU, YOU'LL SIT

IN THE FRONT SEAT NEXT TO THE DRIVER

AND, ANDY, YOU'LL SIT IN THE FRONT SEAT

NEXT TO THELMA LOU AND THE DRIVER.

AND THAT TAKES CARE OF THE FRONT SEAT.

OKAY, ANGE? FINE.

OKAY, ALL YOU PEOPLE ASSIGNED TO THE BACK SEAT

LOAD UP!

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, OPE. DON'T TOUCH THE DOOR.

I KNOW HOW TO OPEN A CAR DOOR.

I'LL HANDLE THE DOOR. LET'S GO. EVERYBODY IN.

AUNT BEE IN FIRST.

I LIKE THE BACK SEAT.

OKAY, THAT'S IT-- THEN OPE. OPE GOES IN NEXT.

YOU GOING TO DO IT, OR YOU WANT ME TO DO IT?

OH, JUST GET IN!

YOU ALL RIGHT THERE, GOMER?

THIS JUST HAPPENS TO BE

A VERY DELICATE PIECE OF MACHINERY

THAT'S BEEN TREATED WITH KID GLOVES

AND I INTEND TO CONTINUE

TO GIVE IT THAT SAME KIND OF CARE.

I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT, BARNEY.

THAT'S JUST WHAT I'D DO.

ALL RIGHT, IS EVERYBODY SET BACK THERE?

I'M ALL SET.

I'M ALL SET.

I'M ALL SET.

HOW ABOUT THE FRONT SEAT?

I'M ALL SET.

I'M ALL SET.

HOPE I DON'T GET CARSICK.

OPIE, YOU TRADE PLACES WITH GOMER.

I WANT HIM NEAR A WINDOW.

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

YOU MIGHT BE MASHING DOWN TOO HARD

ON YOUR ACCELERATION, FLOODING HER OUT.

I'LL HANDLE THIS, GOMER.

I THINK GOMER'S RIGHT. I SMELL GAS.

DO YOU SMELL GAS?

I SMELL GAS.

I SMELL GAS. I SMELL GAS.

I SMELL GAS, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, YOU SMELL GAS! 'COURSE YOU SMELL GAS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS CAR RUNS ON, COAL?

All: * HERE A QUACK, THERE A QUACK, EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK *

* OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM

* EE-I-EE-I-O

* AND ON HIS FARM, HE HAD A...

CHICKEN. CHICKEN.

* EE-I-EE-I-O

* WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE * WAIT A MINUTE.

* HERE A CHICK, THERE A CHICK, EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK *

HOLD IT, EVERYBODY. LISTEN.

JUST BUMPS ON THE ROAD.

WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME.

JUST BUMPS ON THE ROAD.

THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE TO ME.

ME TOO.

THAT AIN'T NO BUMPS ON THE ROAD.

WONDER WHAT THAT IS.

WHATEVER IT WAS, IT FELL OFF AND CAN'T HURT YOU ANYMORE.

ANDY?

MA'AM?

IS THAT THE JOHNSON FARM DOWN THERE?

UH-HUH.

I SEE THEY PAINTED THEIR BARN.

I LOVE RED BARNS.

I THINK THE JOHNSONS KEEP THEIR FARM UP

BETTER THAN ANYBODY AROUND HERE.

THEIR FARM'S A PICTURE NO ARTIST COULD DRAW.

OH, BY THE WAY, GOMER, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

SICK AS A DOG, BUT HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE.

Opie: WOULD YOU TAKE ME OUT TO JOHNSONS' SOMETIME, PA?

Andy: SURE.

MR. JOHNSON MIGHT LET YOU MILK A COW.

[ INDIAN SNAKE-CHARMER BACKGROUND MUSIC PLAYS ]

WOULD YOU TAKE ME OUT TO JOHNSONS' SOMETIME, BAA... RNEY!

LOOKS LIKE TO ME

YOU GOT TOO MUCH GREASE IN YOUR STEERING COLUMN.

I DON'T BELIEVE

I'VE EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE.

I HEAR A HISSING SOUND, TOO, BARN.

LISTEN.

BOY, SHE'S BOILING BUT GOOD.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET SOME WATER, BARN.

THEN WE'D BETTER HEAD BACK.

BACK, YEAH. HEAD BACK.

I'LL FETCH IT.

EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. JUST FINE.

FINE, JUST FINE.

IT JUST RUN OUT OF WATER, BARN.

A LITTLE EXTRA GREASE...

THAT DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

[ RHYTHMIC CLANKING, WHISTLING, GRATING AND THUDDING ]

I'M SORRY, BARN.

IT'S A SHAME.

Gomer: HEY, ANDY! HEY, BARN!

Andy: HEY, GOMER.

DID WALLY CHECK THE CAR OVER?

HE WENT THROUGH HER

WITH AS FINE A TOOTH COMB AS YOU CAN IMAGINE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S HAVE THE BAD NEWS.

WELL, HE GOT HER RUNNING.

I BROUGHT HER OVER HERE WITH ME.

BUT SHE'S GOING TO NEED...

PLUGS, POINTS, BEARINGS, VALVES, RINGS, STARTER SWITCH,

IGNITION WIRES, WATER PUMP, FUEL PUMP, OIL PUMP,

CLUTCH, CLUTCH BEARINGS,

CLUTCH PLATES, BRAKE LINING, BRAKE SHOES, BRAKE DRUMS,

RADIATOR HOSE, AND RADIATOR HOSE COUPLING.

OH, NO.

AND I'D GIVE HER A GOOD WASH, TOO.

UH, GOMER...

OH, HERE'S SOMETHING ELSE.

SEE THAT? SAWDUST.

COME OUT OF YOUR DIFFERENTIAL AND TRANSMISSION.

THAT DOES IT.

HUH?

SAWDUST. THAT'S THE OLDEST CAR HUSTLER'S TRICK IN THE WORLD.

MAKES WORN-OUT GEARS RUN SMOOTH AS SILK...

FOR A FEW DAYS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

THAT'S ALL THE EVIDENCE WE'LL NEED.

COME ON, BARN.

LET'S TAKE THAT CAR RIGHT BACK

TO THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN MT. PILOT.

I THINK SHE'S ABOUT HAD IT, BARN.

I BETTER GO FIND A PHONE AND CALL GOMER

AND TELL HIM TO COME OUT HERE AND TOW US IN.

THERE'S A STORE BACK THERE ABOUT A HALF A MILE.

YOU BE ALL RIGHT?

IT'LL BE GETTING DARK PRETTY SOON.

I SURE HOPE HE CAN FIND US.

ANGE?

HMM?

WE'RE MOVING.

HMM?

WE'RE MOVING.

HMM.

HMM, I'LL BE DOGGED.

GOMER MUST HAVE FOUND US.

I DIDN'T EVEN HEAR HIM HOOK US UP.

HMM. WAIT A MINUTE.

THAT AIN'T GOMER'S TOW TRUCK PULLING US.

HUH?

THAT'S SOMEBODY ELSE.

WELL, WHO IN THE WORLD...

HEY, YOU UP THERE! HOLD IT!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

SCRUNCH DOWN.

LET'S SEE WHERE THEY'RE TAKING US.

SCRUNCH DOWN.

WE STOPPED.

CAN I PUT MY BULLET IN?

I THINK YOU BETTER.

GET DOWN.

OKAY.

THAT'S MRS. LESCH!

YEAH.

IT'S THE FOURTH ONE THIS WEEK, MYRT.

THE BOYS ARE DOING A PRETTY GOOD JOB.

WELL, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THIS LITTLE GEM YOU BROUGHT IN.

YEAH, WE'LL RUN IT THROUGH THE USUAL ROUTINE.

SPRAY IT UP A LITTLE. KNOCK OUT SOME OF THE DENTS.

HIT THE CHROME... OOH! WHAT'S WITH YOU?

DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE IT?!

THAT'S THE CLUNKER I SOLD TO THAT BOOB IN MAYBERRY.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S ALL!

YOU'VE HAD IT!

HOWDY.

MR. FIFE!

YOU DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE FOOLING ANYBODY,

DID YOU, MRS. LESCH?

DEAR HUSBAND BERNARD. NEVER OVER 25 MILES AN HOUR.

COME ON NOW, REALLY!

ALL RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT US.

LET ME MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED,

AND I'LL LET YOU HAVE A SWEET 1958 CUSTOM SEDAN

THAT'S BEEN IN THE GARAGE UP ON BLOCKS SINCE 1959.

LOW MILEAGE?

BROKEN IN.

WITH WHITEWALL TIRES.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE WHAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR!

BARN!

ALL RIGHT! LINE UP!

HI, BARN. WHAT YOU DOING?

WELL, NOW THAT I GOT MY MONEY BACK,

I'M GONNA BE A LITTLE MORE CAREFUL.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ANOTHER CAR AD.

PARTY'S ON ITS WAY OVER, BUT DON'T YOU WORRY, PAL.

I LEARNED MY LESSON -- TRUST NOBODY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO THAT FAR.

I'M GONNA GO OVER THIS CAR WITH A FINE-TOOTH COMB.

YOU CAN FOOL BARNEY FIFE ONCE, MAYBE -- JUST ONCE,

BUT NEVER AGAIN.

WELL...

EXCUSE ME. I'M LOOKING FOR MR. FIFE.

I'M MR. FIFE.

I'M MRS. TEMPLE.

I'M HERE WITH MY CAR, MR. FIFE.

ARE YOU STILL INTERESTED?

WELL, MAYBE I AM, AND MAYBE I AIN'T.

WHAT KIND OF A CAR IS IT?

1959 FORD -- IT'S IN EXCELLENT CONDITION.

LOW MILEAGE, OF COURSE.

OH, YES.

UH-HUH.

AND YOU ONLY USED IT TO DRIVE TO CHURCH ON SUNDAYS, RIGHT?

WHY, AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DID.

SEE, I HAVE A NEPHEW WHO'S A CLERGYMAN AT --

WHO ARE YOU KIDDING, SISTER?

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

BARN. WHO YOU WORKING WITH --

HUBCAP SLASH OR YOU GOT YOUR OWN RACKET?

BARNEY.

OH, I CAN SEE THROUGH HER LIKE A LACE CURTAIN.

ALL RIGHT, OUT, OUT, OUT, OUT, BEFORE I THROW YOU IN.

WELL, HAVE YOU FOUND A BUYER FOR THE CAR, AUNT ROSE?

Andy: UH.

HE'D LIKE TO THINK ABOUT IT, REVEREND.

WOULDN'T YOU, BARN?