Original subtitles

Okay, Rach, that's muffin and espresso, 4.50.

Ross, double latte, 2.75. Chandler, coffee and a scone, 4.25.

And, Pheebs, herbal tea, 1.25.

So all together that's 12.75.

This coming from the man who couldn't split our $80 phone bill in half.

- Hi. - Hi.

How much do I owe?

Oh, that's on the house, courtesy of Joey Tribbiani.

Oh. Great. Well, tell him thanks.

And since Joey seems like such a nice guy, maybe we could go on a date sometime?

Well, he's not used to women being so forward...

...but I could check with him. He says it's okay.

[CHUCKLES]

Great. Thanks. Bye-bye.

Hey, Joey, how come our stuff isn't free?

It will be when you look like that in a tight skirt.

This is great. I'm getting more dates than ever.

Wait, you're only giving away free stuff to the pretty girls?

Joey, that is so gross.

Hmm. How about a scone on the house, baby?

I'm pretty.

- Hey, does anyone have any gum? - Oh, I do.

Here. Sorry.

Oh, you know what?

No.

Wait a second.

- I know it's in here somewhere. - You know what? I'm good. I'm good.

- Hey. ROSS: Hey.

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?

[IN CONGESTED VOICE] They sent me home. They said I can't work if I'm sick.

ALL: Aw.

- I'm so sorry that you're sick. - I'm not sick.

I don't get sick.

Getting sick is for weaklings. It's for pansies.

Honey, no one thinks that you're a pansy.

But we do think that you need a tissue.

I have not been sick in over three years.

[SNEEZES]

- I'm gonna grab you some tissue. - I don't need a tissue. I'm fine.

When you put a D at the end of "fine," you're not fine.

I'm fine.

You know, it's a really hard word to say.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

CHANDLER: Yes? - Hi. Is Rachel here? I'm her sister.

- Oh, my God, Jill. - Oh, my God, Rachel.

Oh!

Oh, my God, introduce us.

- This is Chandler. - Hi.

And you know Monica and Ross.

JILL: Hi. - And that's Phoebe, and that's Joey.

- Hey. How you doing? - Don't.

- Honey, what are you doing here? JILL: Oh.

Which sister is this?

Is this the spoiled one or the one that bit her?

- Daddy cut me off. - Never mind, I got it.

And you know what I said to him?

I said, "I'm gonna hire a lawyer, sue you and take all your money...

...and then I'm gonna cut you off."

- What did he say? - He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.

Ah.

Then he told me to come and learn the value of money...

...from the one daughter he's proud of.

Oh.

Did you hear that? My dad's proud of me. My dad's proud of me. Ha, ha.

- Rach? - Oh, yeah, sorry.

Hey, honey, so, what did you do that made Dad cut you off?

- Okay, I bought a boat. - You bought a boat?

Yeah, but it wasn't for me, it was for a friend.

Boy, did we make friends with the wrong sister.

Jill, I think this is the best thing that could've ever happened to you.

You've needed to get out on your own anyway.

And you know, when I did it, at first I was scared...

...but then look at me now.

I am the only daughter that Dad is proud of.

Okay, well, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna get a job.

You're gonna get an apartment. And I'll help you.

You can stay with us. Right? She can stay with us?

- Of course, yeah. - Oh, that's so great.

Okay, I'm really gonna do this. I don't know how to thank you guys.

Aw. I like cars.

- You all finished here? - Yes.

Great.

- Okay, here are the tips for this morning. JOEY: Mm.

Jen gets 50, 50 for me, and Joey owes $8.

- What? - For all the free food you gave away.

Well, if it's free food, how come you're charging me for it?

We don't give anything away unless it's someone's birthday.

Oh. What if they came in third in a modeling contest?

- No. - Oh. Sorry.

I just had the hardest day. Some of these are so heavy.

Jill, how did you pay for all this? I thought your dad took your credit card.

Oh, please, I memorized those numbers when I was 15.

[JILL CHUCKLES]

But look at all the cool make-it-on-my-own stuff I got.

This is my "Please hire me" sweater.

And these are my "Don't you want to rent me this apartment?" pants.

I don't think charging clothes to your dad qualifies as making it on your own.

Oh, Mr. Scientist has to get all technical.

I don't think Rachel's gonna think it's a good idea.

- So who made her queen of the world? - I would love that job.

- Hey. What's going on? - Hey.

Jill.

Did you shop?

No.

They did.

- Yeah, we went shopping. - Yeah, we went shopping. Yeah.

You went shopping?

Then you came in here and paraded it right under Jill's nose...

...when you know she's trying to quit.

Wow. You guys, that's terrible.

- Sorry, Jill. - Sorry, Jill.

It's okay.

- So, what did you get? - Oh, well, all right. I got... Thank you.

I got, um, this, you know, "I want a job" sweater.

RACHEL: Oh.

And then I got, uh... These are apartment pants.

Apartment pants?

Yeah, you've never heard of them?

No, of course. Of course I've heard of them.

- Ross, what did you get? - Huh?

I got this...

This.

- A pashmina? - Yeah.

Oh, I love these babies.

- Really? ROSS: Mm-hm.

Ross, what's a pashmina?

It's a rug.

Jill?

[SOBBING]

I'm sorry, Rachel.

Oh, come on, you really think that's gonna work on me?

I invented that.

Oh, right. But I am sorry.

All right, it's okay. One little setback is okay.

- But don't let it happen again, all right? - Okay.

Now, since Daddy paid for all this stuff, I should take it all away.

But I'm just gonna take the pashmina.

And the pants.

You know what? I'm just gonna take it all, because that way, you'll learn the lesson.

Alrighty.

I'm gonna run a couple of errands, and I will see you at dinner.

[JILL SIGHS]

She took all my stuff.

Yeah. Everything but the little blue one.

[GASPS]

That's the best one.

- Oh, my God. Thank you so much. - Oh. Well, hey.

Oh, my gosh, that was so lame. Like a pashmina could be a rug.

Oh, yeah? Well, how about you with the:

[SOBS]

- [IN FALSETTO VOICE] "I'm sorry." - Shut up. I wasn't like that at all.

What about what I said, you know, about the apartment pants?

How dumb was I?

- Were you this cute in high school? - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Oh, stop.

- No, you stop. - No, you stop.

You stop.

Okay, why don't I sit here and then you'll both stop it?

Okay, so, what do you wanna do? Let's do something crazy.

I know, let's rest and drink lots of fluids.

Okay, I'll rest.

But, you know, if I'm going to bed, then you're coming with me.

[MONICA SNIFFS]

See, that would be impossible to resist if you weren't all drippy here.

Are you saying that you don't wanna get with this?

Yeah, I don't think you should say that even when you're healthy.

Oh. Come on.

[MONICA COUGHING]

Don't take this personally, okay?

It's just that I just can't have sex with a sick person.

I'm with you, Chandler.

I can't have sex with a sick person either. That's disgusting.

But I'm not sick. Let me prove it to you.

We are two healthy people in the prime of life.

See, that's the thing. I would like to stay in...

[IN CONGESTED VOICE] ...the prime of life.

Hey.

- Hey. - What's up?

Um, I think there's something you should maybe know.

It better not be about the apartment pants...

...because I just pitched the idea to my boss at Ralph Lauren, and she loved it.

No, no. It's just, I was, um...

I was with Ross and Jill after you left...

...and I'm pretty sure I saw a little spark between them.

- What? - Yeah, I mean, it's probably nothing.

But I just wanted to warn you that there might be something there.

- With Ross and Jill? - Yeah.

With Ross and my sister?

Yeah.

With my sister Jill and my ex-boyfriend Ross?

Yeah.

- Oh, there is no way. - Okay, then.

Oh, my God. I cannot believe that.

I don't really like it when Ross goes out with anyone, but my sister?

Isn't that like incest or something?

Oh, my God, and they're gonna have sex. Oh, no. What if he marries her too?

Oh, this is just terrible. This is just terrible.

And I can't stop it. I don't own Ross, you know?

And Jill, she should be able to do whatever it is she wants to do.

Oh, my God, I can't believe Ross is marrying my little sister.

This is just...

Oh, my God, this is just the worst thing that could've ever happened to me.

But great news about the apartment pants, huh?

That'll be 3.85.

What do you mean? Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay.

It's just I can't, because my manager said that I...

[SINGING] Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

- Happy birthday, dear Annie... - Amy.

Amy

Happy birthday to you

- Hey. - Hey, that's weird, today's my birthday too.

Yeah, not in here it isn't.

Sorry I'm late. What's up?

Oh, hey. Uh...

You know, I just wanted to see if there were any leads on the old job front.

Oh. No. But I just walked past three sales and I didn't go in.

- How strong am I? - Oh.

That is great.

Hey, you know who doesn't have to job-hunt?

- Ross. He works at the university. - Yeah?

Oh, so you know that? You guys talked? So you get along? So you're gonna go out?

Me go out with Ross? No. God, no. What would make you think that?

It's just Phoebe...

...said she, you know, thought she saw something between you guys.

- No. I mean, he's nice. RACHEL: Yeah.

He's the kind of guy you're friends with but not the kind of guy you date.

I mean, he's the kind of guy you date, because you did, but me?

Hmm, not so much.

Oh, not so much? What do you mean?

I mean, is there something wrong with Ross?

Oh, no, no, no. He's just...

I don't know. You know, he's just a little bookish.

- Are you saying he's a geek? - You think so too?

No. No. Ross is not a geek.

[SIGHS]

Fine. Then let's just say he's not my type.

What, handsome is not your type?

Smart, kind, good kisser? What, those things aren't on your list?

Ross is a great guy. You would be lucky to be with him.

Well, okay, if it means that much to you, I'll ask him out.

Oh, no, no, no. That's not what I meant. I was just...

You know what, Rachel? You're right. You know, he has been really nice to me.

Yeah, but he's not your type.

But maybe that's a good thing.

You know, I'm doing all these different things.

Maybe I should just try dating a geek too.

Yeah, but you don't, you know... You don't wanna try too much too fast.

I mean, you do remember what happened to the little girl...

...who tried too much too fast, don't you?

What?

She died, Jill.

MONICA: Chandler.

CHANDLER: What is it, honey? You need some tea? Some soup?

Oh. Oh.

Calling Dr. Big. Dr. Big to the bed.

Oh, jeez, honey, I thought you were asleep.

How could I be asleep knowing that you were in the next room?

I was asleep.

[SHIVERS]

Oh, no, no, no, honey. You know what's sexy? Layers.

Layers are sexy.

And blankets are sexy. And, oh, hot water bottles are sexy.

Come on, get into bed. I wanna prove that I'm not sick.

I wanna make you feel as good as I feel.

[SNEEZES]

- Would you please get some rest? - I'm fine.

[COUGHING]

[SINGING] Happy birthday to you

- You're paying for that. - What? No, no, it's her birthday.

You've sung "Happy Birthday" to 20 different women today.

- But it... - You are no longer authorized...

...to distribute birthday muffins.

Damn it.

Rach.

- Hi. - Hi. Ahem.

Did you tell your sister to ask me out?

- Well, yeah. - Oh, wow. I mean, wow.

[CHUCKLES]

I think she's cute...

...but I never would've thought of going out with her. Never.

- Really? - Yeah.

But after you said it was okay, I figured, why not?

Oh, so not really "never." Heh.

I have to say, you are a much bigger person than I am.

I mean, after all we've been through. I just...

You know what? I wish I had a brother to reciprocate.

Aw.

Hey, if you ever wanna go out with Monica, you have my blessing.

And mine.

Chandler?

I think I'm sick.

Really?

Struck down in the...

[IN CONGESTED VOICE] ...prime of life.

Okay, fine, I admit it. I feel terrible.

- Will you please rub this on my chest? - Okay.

No, no, no. You are not getting me this way.

- Come on, I really need your help here. - No, no, no.

- Fine, I'll rub it on myself. - Okay.

So you're just kind of rubbing it on yourself?

- Yeah. - It's nice.

Are you kidding me? Is this turning you on?

Yes.

I can't believe it. Is it the rubbing or the smell?

It's all very, very good.

So you wanna go, uh...

...mix it up?

- Not now, I'm sick. - Oh, come on, you big faker.

What about your rule about never sleeping with sick people?

Well, that was before all the vaporizing action.

- Okay, if you really wanna have sex. - Okay.

Worked like a charm.

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doing here?

This is where Ross and I are meeting for our date. So, what do you think?

I don't like it.

- Really? - It's kind of slutty.

It's yours.

Yeah, well, I'm a slut.

Me too.

- Hi, Jill. - Hey.

Hi...

- Rachel. - Rachel.

Heh. You're not at home, you're right here.

Yeah, I know.

And I bet you thought it would be weird. But it's not.

[JILL & RACHEL CHUCKLE]

Okay.

So, well, I'll, um...

I'll have her home by midnight. Ha, ha.

[LAUGHING]

[SOBBING]

Why aren't you home yet?

MONICA: Is someone there?

Oh, yeah, it's me. Sorry.

CHANDLER: What are you doing here?

Uh, I'm just looking out your window at the view.

What are you guys doing?

CHANDLER: We got some VapoRub in some places.

[RACHEL GASPS]

Oh. He brought her back to his apartment.

Who?

Is that your sister?

Ugh. She is a slut.

God. Ross is on a date with your sister. How weird is that?

Oh, my God, look, he's taking off her clothes.

He's taking off her coat.

RACHEL: Oh, this is just terrible.

Oh, no, it's not. It was the first date. I'm sure that nothing is gonna...

[RACHEL GASPS]

Hoo-hoo. He's gonna get some.

Of the glare...

...from the streetlight out of his apartment.

You know, so, um, he's closed the drapes there...

...so he can have a nice pleasant conversation with your little sister.

Well, I'm off to bed.