Original subtitles

So then he's all like, "You gotta go before my roommate gets home."

And I'm like, "Who cares?" And he's like...

You're a moped. Huh.

How did you know? And what's it mean? Because...

Mopeds are fun, but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.

Oh. Yeah.

I thought he meant I was fuel-efficient. I only had 10 beers.

Forties? No.

Yes. Hence the shandy.

My head feels like a bunch of monkeys fighting over a bucket of marbles.

So stick that horn in your ass!

Nut sack.

And what time is it? Well, it's 9:01, but...

And what time is late?

Technically, 9:01 also.

But I'm sure Cheryl has a good excuse this time.

Right, like the time her ocelot was sick? Well...

Or yesterday, when she had to walk to work because there was a midget on the train?

I think she said it was a dwarf. And I said that was her last chance.

But... She's fired.

I want her desk cleaned out and a new secretary by lunch.

That's kind of more Pam's department. Who is also late.

And I just can't wait to hear that lame excuse.

Just get her in the damn van.

She's crazy fricking strong.

Yeah, you fight them off, Cheryl.

- What? Cheryl? - Yes.

That is you. You're Cheryl.

What? What are you...?

I swear to God I'm blind.

Come on, the boss is waiting. We don't need her.

Because I'm just her stupid friend.

- What? - She's who you want.

She's... Cheryl!

Yes, just keep shouting your own name!

What are you talking about? I'll pray for you, Cheryl.

Goddamn it, I'm not Che...

That was a close one.

And thanks, Pam, way to drag out a kidnapping. Now I'm late again.

Although this is a way better excuse than the train dwarf, which...

Ugh. Ugh.

Kidnapped.

Like a huge, sweatery Lindbergh baby. So it's really Pam's fault I'm late.

Why would anyone... In the world.

- Want to kidnap Pam?

There's a teeny, tiny chance they maybe might've thought Pam was me.

How? No idea.

Well, even if you weren't lying...

The train dwarf was real, and he looked right at me with his dwarfy eyeballs.

Why would anyone wanna kidnap you?

Because...

...my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4.

It's Tunt.

Wha... Tum again?

Come on, nothing? Not the Tunts.

Wait, how do I know that name?

Uh, ever been on a railroad?

Oh! Holy shit! Yes.

Not a big deal, they're everywhere.

Yeah. They crisscross the nation, Lana.

And her great-grandfather built them all. What?

Do you expect me to believe you're a descendant of Cornelius Tunt?

Yeah, all, whatever, five Cornelii.

And George Washington Tunt of the... The Tuntmore House.

Yes, I spent, like, every summer there...

...listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln.

Apparently, slavery was pretty awesome.

Prove it. What's to prove? It's free labor.

- Not that, ass. - What?

Prove you're really a Tunt.

Um, I have a picture.

- You're kidding. - Ha, ha.

Oh, my God. That's you. Yes, it's me.

You guys, I'm kind of freaking out. You mind if I glue up?

It's your house. This is your house.

- And right next door, is that...? - Yes.

Oh! That's the Roosevelt mansion.

Total shitbox. They're weird.

What the hell was that? Ugh!

My stupid ocelot.

I've never seen an ocelot.

Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but...

Holy shit.

You guys, look at his little spots. How much are you...

Look at his tufted ears. ...worth?

Well, until Monday it was, like, I don't know, 50 million?

- Uh, do what, how what? - Hey, Carol, what's his name?

- Babou. - I love it.

- But it should be Buyer's Remorse. - And...

Stupid thing's sick all the time.

What happened Monday?

Oh, my parents were murdered.

Oh! What?

Ha, ha. I'm kidding. What...?

They are dead, though. The chauffeur had a stroke and slammed into a tree.

Holy shit. Funeral's probably wrapping up.

Why aren't you there?

Because you said if I was late again, you'd fire me.

Not for your parents' funeral. Well, I don't know all your rules.

Can I jump in? Kind of curious.

Why do you even work at ISIS? Why do you?

Ha, ha. Because I'm not worth a billion dollars.

Yeah, me neither. I have to split it with my stupid brother, Cecil.

And how much will you be splitting?

It actually is a billion dollars. Oh.

I am literally wet with jealousy.

Jealous of what? Being scared of kidnappers for the rest of my life?

It was bad enough when I was only worth 50 million.

Now it's gonna be, like, 10 times worse and...

Oh, my God, I'm such a chicken.

I told them Pam was me.

Wow. Lana, shut up.

First of all, I'm sure Pam is fine.

Who taught you how to punch?

Your husband?

You better just ******* kill me.

And second of all, no one is going to kidnap you on my watch.

You may consider ISIS your personal bodyguard.

But... For, you know.

- A modest retainer. - Ah.

But... Still shut up.

Oh, my God, what about Pam?

I don't know about Pam, and I know even less about ocelots...

...but my gut tells me you gotta get some tree branches...

...or a tire swing or something in there.

Because he is desperate for stuff to play with. What are we doing?

We're taking Cheryl back to ISIS and locking it down...

...until we catch those dastardly kidnappers.

Because we're all she has now.

On the way, we gotta stop at a toy store and get him a stuffed animal. Something.

It's like Meowschwitz in there.

Mm-hm.

Half a billion?

With a B? Followed by an "illion."

Well, that little...

She owes me $3700. For what?

What?

Ah. Nothing.

What are we doing? Locking down ISIS.

Once the kidnappers realize they've got the wrong idiot...

...they're gonna come back for the right one.

So here. All hands on deck.

Cool. Ha, ha.

Safety's off, Barn.

And trust me dear, this vault is the safest place in the entire building.

Wait, how much are you gonna charge for ISIS to protect me?

Well, that's based on my expenses.

Plus an administrative fee, a small contingency fee...

...few odds and ends.

You're gonna get Pam back, right? After you sign that contract.

Okay, no. But...

First, get Pam back. But...

And bring me some stuff to do. It's crazy, stupid boring in here.

Well, now you know how Babou feels.

Corpuscular?

- Goddamn it, Cyril! - Sorry.

Ahem. Oh, come on.

Barney.

Well, now, this is just a disaster.

Yeah, you think? Wha...?

Not you, Mr. Bloodmobile. Ha, ha, he got shot again.

Cheryl is insisting we try to get the kidnappers to release Pam.

Weren't you gonna do that anyway?

If it came up.

And will somebody answer the damn phone for once in their life?

Looking your way, Brett.

Hello? Was that so hard?

Yes? Yeah, one sec.

- Kidnappers. - Wha...?

Okay, keep them on the line.

- I'm lead negotiator. - No, you're not.

And you, take Cheryl some crayons or cheese or something.

I'm so cold. Brett, get off the phone.

You got it? Yes, hang up.

How long do I keep him on? Two minutes.

What? What happened to 30 seconds?

Uh, your mother's budget priorities.

No, this is all one solid piece.

Brazilian rosewood, straight from the heart of the Amazon jungle.

Guess how many pygmies died cutting it down.

Hint, six.

Small price to pay for beauty. Ahem.

Hi, Sterling Archer, lead negotiator.

And to whom might I be speaking?

Your worst nightmare.

Great. Ahem. One sec.

Hello? What are you doing?

I'll tell you what I'm not doing...

...is negotiating with a goddamn cyborg. Hello?

That's just a voice modulator. Uh, hello?

You don't think cyborgs have that technology? I'm hanging up.

Hanging up? It's not worth it, it's just Pam.

No, Archer, stop. Hello...

Ahem. They were probably tracing us.

And we don't want them coming here.

You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Between this little gal's love taps.

Seriously. Maybe see if your daddy will give you a roll of nickels.

First of all, how are you still even conscious?

Ha-ha-ha. How do you think I paid for college?

Two-sixty, 280, and Jackson makes three.

And, uh, sorry about your homey...

...homies.

And second, where is Cheryl Tunt?

I assume she's safe at ISIS...

...laughing her skinny, lying ass off because she got me kidnapped.

This isn't funny, Cheryl.

I need that $3700 back.

Well, sorry, that money's gone. What do you...?

Wait, what do you mean, it's gone?

It's been an extremely volatile year.

In the stock market? Sure.

Well, whatever. I borrowed it from my IRA, and if I don't pay it back...

What are they gonna do, kneecap you? What...?

Oh. Not the IRA, my IRA.

And there are huge tax implications for that.

I don't have it, dum-dum.

All my money's in, like, a trust and I'd have to ask my gross brother.

So? So he's gross.

Cheryl, I need that money.

I don't have it. Ugh!

Now screw already. I've got kidnappers to worry about.

But...

Okay, here we go.

This is Agent Lana Kane. And you are?

About five seconds away...

...from shooting your friend Pam in her rock-like face.

Well, we obviously don't want you to... Violate the first law of robotics.

- Shoot Pam.

Okay. So, what will it take for you to release her?

I'll trade you. For Cheryl Tunt.

Tum again? Still nothing?

No, no, no.

First of all, we don't even know if Pam is still alive.

Yeah, I'm right here with the guy.

- And even if she were... - I am.

That's a no-brainer.

I mean, my God, Cheryl's worth half a billion.

What?

Well, how much is this one worth?

Oh, for... Seriously? I'm thinking.

You're stalling so you can trace the call.

Now you've got tons of time. Oh, shut up.

Hey, what's it gonna be?

Malory. All right.

I can do 5000.

- What? - Okay, we're done here.

No, wait, wait, don't hang...

Five thousand? For Pam?

I bet you spent 10 times that on your new conference table.

I did not.

Unless you include the funeral expenses for those pygmies.

And I bet that sneaky little chief just dumped them all...

...into one medium-sized hole.

Well, I was able to trace the call to a one-block radius.

So if you will excuse me, I am going to rescue Pam.

I will do that. No, I will.

- Goddamn it, let's just everybody go. - No.

There's half a billion dollars' worth of Tunt sitting in that vault.

That's the critical mission here.

So who gets it?

No heroics, you two. It's just Pam.

I mean, I know it's hard to put a dollar value on a human life...

...but for shit's sake, 5 grand?

Yeah, so please don't take this the wrong way, but I am gonna kill you.

Oh, come on, I haven't seen your faces.

There. Damn.

Now shut up.

Hey, so I'm not totally on board with a full frontal assault on ISIS.

Ugh. Yeah, I'm actually totally off board.

My eyes still hurt pretty bad. Too bad.

That's the only way we're gonna get to Cheryl Tunt.

I can get you guys in. Uh, seriously?

Yeah, screw them, especially Cheryl.

Hope you kidnap the shit out of her.

Wha...? Where the hell is she?

You're gonna be in so much trouble.

No, trouble is what the IRS will do to me if I don't pay back that loan.

The IRS?

Jesus, how many Irish gangs are there?

But she must still be in the building.

All the blast doors are down. Yeah, so...

Oh, damn it. Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.

But they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open. Are they?

- Yes. - Why?

Because you're just wearing it to piss me off.

Is it working? Yes, so take it off.

We look totally gay. I am gay.

Well, I'm not. Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

Take it off.

You better put that back in your purse.

Hang on, this is far from over.

Talk to me.

Yeah, it's totally wide open.

What? No, I'm not an idiot, Mother.

We're still here in the garage.

Because Ray is being a total bitch.

Why do you care what he's wearing? Oh, my God.

I'm not taking his side. Oh, my God.

Sterling, they've taken Cheryl.

Probably right past you two while you were arguing over who's prettiest.

They didn't come here.

Kidnappers got Cheryl. Dukes.

- They gotta be in the building, right? - Probably.

So secure the perimeter, do a floor-by-floor sweep, and...

Brett, for the love of God.

Hello?

Yeah, one sec.

Kidnappers, line one.

That's them. Secure and sweep.

Idiots. Lana, follow me.

Roger that. I will definitely tell him right now.

Tell me what? For you take it off.

No, she didn't. She absolutely certainly did, Ray.

And also for us to sweep the building, the doing of which I am in charge.

Hey, thanks for getting us inside, Pam.

Somebody shoot her. Oh, okay.

Then good luck getting past all the biometric scanners.

I mean, unless you wanna chop off my fingertips and slice out my retinas.

- Oh, don't be dicks. - What?

I said I'll kill the Tunt woman...

...if you don't pay the ransom.

I can't understand a word of this.

Trainspotting, can you dial that modulator down a skosh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that better? Barely.

Hang on a second. Uh...

- How about now? - Better.

Now I believe there was some mention of a ransom?

Three thousand, seven hundred dollars.

Bu... Wait a minute, how much?

A million dollars. Fifty million dollars.

Why the hell are you down here?

Because Cyril kidnapped me, duh.

What? Oh, you are full of shit.

You heard me. Fifty million dollars.

Unmarked bills, uh, non-sequential. Just keep him on the line.

Something is very fishy about this kidnapper.

Uh, let's see, what else? Tom Collins, try not to drown it.

Obviously, a dye pack is a deal breaker.

Jesus, would you hurry up?

Hey, I'm not the one who smashed my eyes into eggplants.

Nut sack.

There. Now cut this shit off so I can do the fingerprint reader.

Uh, let's see. What else?

Aha! Aah!

Who you talking to? Nobody. Phone sex.

Really. Yep, see?

Oh, yeah, you like that, don't you?

- What? - I know you do.

Because you're daddy's dirty, dirty little whore.

Wha...? Okay, I'm done masturbating. Goodbye.

What kind of sick, degenerate...?

Bu...

My God, he was calling from this floor.

Lana. Lana!

Where is she? Who knows?

Probably some trailer park in Alabama.

Not the phone-sex operator you're totally lying about, Cheryl.

She's right here.

What? What?

I mean, see?

Yeah, Little Miss Cry-Wolf here handcuffed herself to a radiator.

What? Which, even for you, pretty pathetic.

I didn't kidnap myself. He did.

Who, me? No.

No, I've been up here the whole time having some phone sex.

Just jacking it. On the telephone.

Um, does Internet porn know you're cheating?

Very funny. Thank you.

Lana, Lana, the kidnapper.

He was calling from this floor.

Yeah, it was... And where the hell was she?

Basement. Kidnapped herself.

- No, I didn't. - Oh, even for you.

No, I didn't! That is pathetic.

Yeah, she's crazy. You're crazy.

Just for jacking it on the telephone, which we've established is what I was doing.

Wait, hang on... All the trouble you put us through.

Were there even any kidnappers in the first place?

Wha...? Yes.

Prove it. They're right there, duh.

Double dukes. That's not good.

Drop your weapons or she dies.

Oh, for... Seriously?

They're not gonna shoot you. Their programming won't allow it.

What? Don't ask.

Plus if they do, I'll shoot Carol. What?

Sterling. What the shit?

Relax. They can't risk killing Carol.

That would actually be a win-win for me. Shut up.

- And here, just in case. - Cool.

No, no, no, don't give him a...

- Unh! - Damn it.

Shut up. That vest is bulletproof.

Oh. Ow!

But it is, you know, a vest.

No, hey, hey, hey. Don't shoot, don't shoot. I give up, totally give up.

Keep those hands up. Pam, you okay?

Do you people even give a shit?

Oh, shit. Good God, woman.

Cheryl's dumb ass gets me kidnapped and the shit kicked out of me all day...

...and nobody even tries to rescue me?

Archer's fault. Shut up.

- You shut up, Mr. Pam's-Not-Worth-lt. - Um...

Then you stupid A-holes shoot a jillion stupid A-hole bullets at me.

Not me. I wasn't shooting.

And you, the worst of the bunch.

Me? Why me?

Five thousand measly dollars.

You know, maybe I lowballed him at first, but I had some wiggle room.

Yeah? I... You...

Well, let's see how much you wiggle...

...when I'm whipping 5000 bucks' worth of your ass.

What? Hey, whoa, Pam.

Lana, let her have this one.

Sterling.

Somebody? Anybody?

Yeah, anybody...

Ugh.

...want a piece of this?

Nope.