Original subtitles

at words poetic

I'm so pathetic

that I always have found it best

instead of getting it off my chest

to let 'em rest

unexpressed

I hate parading my serenading

as I'll probably miss a bar

but if this ditty is not so pretty

at least it'll tell you how great you are

you're the top

you're the colosseum

you're the top

mmm, you're the Louvre museum

you're a melody from a symphony

by Strauss

you're a bindle bonnet

a Shakespeare sonnet

you're Mickey Mouse

you're the Nile

you're the tower of Pisa

you're the smile

on theMona Lisa

I'm a worthless check

a total wreck

a flair

but if, baby, I'm the bottom

you're the top

you're the top

you're Mahatma Gandhi

you're the top

you are Napoleon Brandy

you're the purple light

of a summer night in Spain

you're the national gallery

you're Garbo's salary

you're cellophane

you are sublime

you're a turkey dinner

you're the time

the time of the derby winner

I'm a toy balloon

that is fated soon to

pop

but if, baby, I'm the bottom

you're the top

top

Flight 4 for New York now loading gate 7.

Flight 741 is now arriving at gate 8.

Taxi.

Follow that cab!

Howard!

Howard Bannister!

Howard, when I ask you to wait for me somewhere,

I expect you to stay there until I come back.

Yes, Eunice.

Now, it is difficult enough for me

To have to see to all these arrangements myself.

Yes, Eunice.

It is exactly 6:15.

If we reach the hotel in half an hour,

We'll have just enough time to get dressed for the banquet.

Yes, Eunice.

Put these in a taxi.

Yes, Eunice.

It's a beautiful city, isn't it, Howard?

I'd like to come here on our honeymoon.

Did you hear me, Howard?

I said I'd like to come here

On our honeymoon.

What? I thought you wanted to go to San Francisco

On your honeymoon.

Thisis San Francisco, Howard.

Of course it is.

Howard!

What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?!

Are you all right back there?

I hope nothing's broken.

It's just a bump, Howard. Don't overdramatize.

No, I mean my igneous rocks.

I hope they're not damaged.

I know how you feel, mister.

I hate it when my igneous rocks

Are even touched.

ja, miss, may I help you, please?

I was wondering if my friends were still here.

They're visiting from the New Hebrides,

And I believe they're in room 1717.

I'm sorry, but that room is vacant.

I don't understand.

They told me they would be in room 1717

At the hotel Crystal.

This is the Bristol, madam,

Not the Crystal.

Then one of us must be in the wrong hotel.

Ah, Mrs. Van Hoskins!

So nice to have you back with us.

Thank you, Hans.

Fritz.

What happened to Hans?

There is no Hans, Mrs. Van Hoskins.

There is only me--fritz.

Oh, what a shame!

Boy!

Franz, I'm gonna take this with me.

There are some things I need tonight.

Tomorrow, I want you to put it in the hotel safe for me.

It will be done, madam.

Room service, please.

Hi, room service. This is room 1717.

I'd like a double-thick roast beef sandwich,

Medium-rare on rye bread

With mustard on the top, mayonnaise on the bottom,

And a coffee hot fudge sundae,

With a large bottle of diet anything.

You got that?

Yeah, room 1717.

Oh, and, room service, would you put it

In the hall outside the door?

Don't bring it in or knock on the door

Because I'm putting my little one to sleep.

Right. Thank you.

I am miss Eunice burns, and this is my fianc�,

Dr. Howard Bannister.

We are here

For the congress of American musicologists convention.

Howard, go to the drugstore and get some aspirin.

I want you to be in shape for this evening.

Don't touch that.

They're my prepaleozoic tambula rocks.

Don't touch his rocks.

I will take care of those.

Howard, you go to the drugstore

And be back in my room in five minutes.

Right. Eunice?

Yes?

Why am I going to the drugstore?

Aspirin. Howard, get it with buffering added.

It's better for the stomach.

Front!|

Flat.

Sir?

Your bell is flat. It's half a tone off.

What's up, doc?

I beg your pardon?

We gotta stop meeting like this.

I think you're making a mistake.

You see, I just came in here for something for a headache.

You're gonna need an awful big glass of water

To get that down.

What?

Oh, no. You see, I'm a musicologist.

I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal quality.

Uh-huh.

I have this theory

About early man's musical relationship

To igneous rock formations.

Uh-huh.

But I guess you're not really interested

In igneous rock formations.

Not as much as I am in the metamorphic

Or sedimentary rock categories.

I mean, I can take your igneous rocks

Or leave them.

I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar.

You can keep your pyroxenes and magnetites,

As far as I'm concerned.

I forgot why I came in here.

Headache.

Oh, yes. Thank you. And good-bye.

Oh.

Was it something I said?

I beg your pardon?

Listen, what do you think I am?

A piece of ripe fruit

You can squeeze the juice out of and cast aside?

Miss, I think you're making a mistake.

Sure, that's all I am to you--a mistake,

A clerical error.

Forget you even know my name.

I don't know your name.

Judy Maxwell.

How do you do?

Could you let go of my hand?

I don't think so.

Aahh!

Oh! Look what happened.

Oh, dear.

Please don't help me.

I'm perfectly able to do this myself.

You gotta be more careful.

Did you know 3 of all fatal accidents

Happen in corner drugstores?

What's going on back there?

Uh, nothing.

We're just looking for a little aspirin.

Let me help you.

Don't help me.

Just go away.

OK.

My husband will pay for this.

What's he doing on the floor back there?

He suffers from a nervous condition.

He falls down a lot.

I don't want people falling down in here.

Well, we're on our honeymoon.

Is this the kind with buffering?

That's right.

How much do I owe you?

$68. 29.

I beg your pardon?

68 dollars and 29 cents.

How much is it without buffering?

Look, mister, the aspirin is 84 cents.

This is $67. 45.

What's that?

A radio.

Radio? I don't want a radio.

What about your wife?

I don't want a wife. I haven't got a wife.

Oh, come on, Steve, quit kidding around.

He's always kidding around.

I don't know who you are. I don't know who she is.

Aw, come on, Steve, buy her the radio.

It's on sale.

You call this a honeymoon?

Hey! What about the aspirin?

Steve, wait!

Wait up, Steve.

Oh!

Uh...

Oh, am I sorry.

I am...

I'm terribly sorry.

Let me sew it up for you.

We'll go someplace quiet.

We'll get a needle and thread in the drugstore.

I don't want to go into the drugstore.

I don't like the drugstore.

Oh, don't be angry.

Listen, Steve.

My name is not Steve,

It is Howard Bannister.

Now that I've told you that,

I just wish you'd forget you've ever heard it.

I like Steve better anyway.

Obviously, you've mistaken me for someone else.

Now just go away and leave me alone.

Why'd you follow me into the drugstore?

I didn't follow you into the drugstore.

I had a headache.

Still have it?

No.

See?

Howard, I said five minutes.

I'm sorry, Eunice.

Eunice? That's a person named Eunice.

Where have you been?

I had a little problem in the drugstore.

Steve, you didn't tell me you were married.

Congratulations.

We will be soon.

Condolences.

Who is this person?

I haven't the vaguest idea.

She was behind a rock in the drugstore.

Oh, come on, Steve.

Why is she calling you that name?

Don't pay any attention to her, Eunice.

Look, miss Maxwell--

You know her name.

Eunice, I swear this is a bizarre joke.

Sure!

It's easy for you.

Everywhere you go, another heart broken.

You call it joking. Eunice and I, we call it lust.

Don't you know the meaning of propriety?

Propriety? Noun. Conformity

To established standards of behavior or manners.

Suitability. Rightness or Justice.

See "etiquette. "

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

We don't want to wake up the little one.

No, we sure don't.

I, uh...

Was just, uh...

Looking for my key.

Oh, yes.

Can't seem to find it anywhere.

Maybe the door's open.

No, I'm sure I locked it.

Good night.

Don't forget your dinner.

Oh, yeah, right.

I'll get it later.

Thanks.

Eunice?

Ahem.

Eunice?

Who's there?

It's me, Howard Bannister,

Your fianc�.

Oh. You look very nice, Howard.

Thank you, Eunice. You look very nice, too.

I haven't gotten dressed yet, Howard.

Oh.

Come in. I'll do your tie.

What tie is that, Eunice?

Your tie-- the tie in your hand.

Oh, yes. Of course.

My, uh... Uh...

Dinner's here.

I don't know who he is, but I hate him.

Well, Howard,

You must have said something to encourage that girl.

What do you mean, Eunice?

Howard, you know what I'm talking about.

After all, you are a man.

Yes, that's true.

She is a woman.

Yes, that's true.

The same way I'm a woman.

I don't think of you as a woman, Eunice.

I think of you as... Eunice.

But Iam a woman, Howard.

Oh, I know that.

Eunice, I know I don't seem to be

A very romantic person.

I'm not looking for romance, Howard.

Oh.

I'm looking for something more important than that.

Something stronger.

As the years go by, romance fades

And something else takes its place.

Do you know what that is?

Senility. Trust!

That's what I meant.

We better talk about this some other time.

Howard, I want you to make a good impression

On Mr. Lauralee.

Tell me exactly what you're going to say to him.

What? Well, I'll probably say something like,

"hello there, Mr. Lauralee. I'm Howard. "

You are not.

I'm not Howard.

You are not going to say, "hi, my name is Howard. "

Anyone can say that-- anyone!

Anyone named Howard.

You are going to walk straight up to him

And take his hand in a firm and masculine handshake,

And say, "Mr. Lauralee, I am Dr. Howard Bannister.

It is a privilege to meet you, sir. "

Think you can do that?

Yes, I think I can.

Well, do your best.

Be dignified.

I'll be dignified.

Be solemn, but not stuffy.

I'll be solemn.

Act friendly, but impersonal.

I'll act friendly.

Pull the door open.

I'll pull the door open.

Well, good-bye, Eunice.

Now, don't be nervous, Howard.

Just remember, everything depends on this.

Now, let's see.

Mr. Lauralee, it's an honor to...

No, that's not it.

It's, um... What is it?

It's a privilege to meet you, sir.

Likewise.

Mr. Lauralee, it's a privilege to meet you.

I'm Dr. Howard Bannister.

And I'm your headwaiter Rudy.

Can I show you to your table, sir?

No, thank you.

I think I'll just sort of mingle for a while.

Here you are, sir.

Thank you. I don't drink.

You're upside down, sir.

I'm upside down.

Oh!

Hello.

Get me the chief.

Oh, he is?

Tell him I got the documents.

I'm Hugh Simon.

How do you do?

You're upside down.

I know.

And I suppose you have not read my series of articles

Inthe music monthly.

I haven't. I'm terribly sorry.

Foolish. Foolish of you.

You must realize that it was that series of articles

That helped me to become

One of the two finalists in contention

For the Lauralee Grant.

Amazingly, you are the other one.

I can't imagine that the Lauralee foundation

Will throw good money away

On a study of prehistoric rocks.

You're oversimplifying my thesis, Mr. Simon.

You accuse me of oversimplifying?

Inever oversimplify.

There is an old Croatian saying, Balixer--

Bannister.

Uh... Whatever it is.

Oh!

Oh, our host!

Mr. Lauralee?

Mr. Lauralee, it's a privilege...

I'm Hugh Simon, Mr. Lauralee.

I would like to say--

I love your hair--

I would like to say on behalf of myself

And, of course, my colleagues at the conservatory--

Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed.

This must be Mr. --

It's a privilege--

Although I want you to know,

That I personally have nothing but contempt

For monetary gain,

The $20,000 will allow us--me, that is--

To complete a great body of work,

Which will most certainly reflect

Un voir �norme.

Very well put, Mr. Simon. Very well put.

Nothing like a littlevoir, �norme or otherwise,

But I must point out

That you are only one of the finalists,

And if I'm not mistaken, this must be Mr. --

It's a Lauralee--

Believe me, I understand.

Very understanding of you, Simon.

Very understanding.

If you don't mind--

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry.

It's all right.

Dr. Bannister.

Mr. Privilege, it's a Larra--

No, that's not it.

Anyway, it's nice to see you, sir.

Thank you. I don't drink.

Neither do I.

You don't?

Well, shall we sit down, gentlemen--

After you, sir.

Oh, Mr. Lauralee.

Good evening.

Professor mosquito,

This is Howard Bannister.

Oh, you're Bannister.

How do you do?

Thank you.

Your fianc�e was just telling us

About your most incredible adventure in the Sky.

What's this, Bannister?

What incredible adventure did you have?

What adventure did I have?

What adventure did I have?

Oh, you mustn't be modest

About a thing like that, Bannister.

Simply incredible.

You'll have to tell us all about it, Bannister.

Come along to the table, now.

Come along, Mr. Simon.

Professor Hosquith.

Ah! Good show, Bannister!

Good show!

And this must be miss burns.

How do you do?

You!

You... You...

... Nice.

Eunice, Howard. Eunice.

We've almost got that stammer cured.

Sit down, dear.

How... How...

Howard.

Howard!

He still gets stuck on names.

It's probably the excitement

Of meeting you for the first time.

I must say, I can feel it myself.

Oh, can you? Can I?!

My heart is going a mile a minute.

Why, you can just feel it pounding.

Can't you feel it?

Yes, I think I can.

Yes. Absolutely.

It's certainly in there pounding.

It's amazing.

You should feel it, gentlemen.

Sit down, gentlemen, please.

Can I sit next to you, miss burns?

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why don't you sit here on my right, Bannister?

If you could please move, Mr. Simon.

But, sir, this is not-- this is definitely not--

I know, Bannister.

This is not the seating arrangement

According to the place cards,

But I think we can break

A few of the minor social customs.

Sir, I must point out to you--

I must point out that foolish consistency

Is the hobgoblin of little minds.

Emerson!

I beg your pardon, my dear?

Ralph weld Emerson, born 1803, died 1882.

You like Emerson?

I adore him.

I adore anyone who adores Emerson.

And I adore anyone who adores anyone

Who adores Emerson. Your turn.

She's a delight, Bannister. A delight.

And you're a lucky dog.

Admit it! Admit you're a lucky dog.

I'm a lucky dog, but--

Miss burns-- may I call you Eunice?

No!

What Howard means is that

Back where we come from,

Everyone calls me Burnsy.

Burnsy. I like that.

Burnsy.

Help.

I presume you are familiar

With your fianc�'s studies, miss burns?

You presume correctly, Mr. Simon.

You have read his thesis?

Read it? I typed it for him myself.

This is not Eunice burns.

Then you must share

His inordinate interest in rocks.

Passionately. You might say that it was

A rock that brought us together.

You're not Eunice.

You really expect me to accept the notion

That neanderthal man

Found a method of making music

Out of minerals?

I believe I can prove that actual melodies--

Crude, of course-- but melodies nevertheless,

Based on the diatonic scale,

Similar to the Norse chants,

Really existed as far back as 7 million B. C.

You can prove this?

Well, given the time...

And the money, of course.

Oh!

But really, music from rocks.

It so happens, Mr. Simon,

That Howard has had discussions

With Leonard Bernstein about the possibility

Of conducting an avalanche in e flat.

That is utterly ridiculous.

Where's your sense of humor, Simon?

She's a gem.

She's a gem, Bannister. She's unbelievable.

Yes, she is.

What do you mean you can't find me?

I'm right here.

I'm sorry, miss. I have no badge in that name.

Well, will you look again, please?

It's burns. Eunice burns.

I got the jewels.

Get out of there. Don't let anyone see you.

Roger.

Fritz.

As you undoubtedly realize, Mr. Lauralee--

Psst! You have got to get out of here!

And miss all the good stuff that's coming?

She will be here any minute.

That's the good stuff that's coming.

... The Swiss composers--

Swiss composers, Mr. Simon?

That's right, miss burns.

I don't imagine that it is a field

That the musical archaeologists

Would find particularly rewarding,

But it is a rich field,

In which my ground- breaking scholarship

Has cultivated a rich harvest.

Must have taken a lot of fertilizer.

We would like to hear the story

That miss burns was--

Burnsy!

That Burnsy was telling about--

He's calling her Burnsy.

What was it, Bannister?

Some incredible adventure

You had on your flight here.

Yes... No!

I'm afraid my Howard is too modest

To tell you that story himself,

But it all began shortly after we passed

The point of no return.

I think we just passed it.

And the servo-amplifiers and directional gyro failed,

And the flux valve refused to disconnect.

One of the pilots fainted

From an oversupply of fear,

And we went into this power dive.

Howard took his igneous rocks

Into the cockpit and selected two of them

With a particularly high magnetic content,

And set up

An electrically induced field pattern.

I'm having a nightmare.

What seems to be the problem?

This lady claims to be a Eunice burns.

I am nota Eunice burns.

I amthe Eunice burns.

I don't have a badge for a Eunice burns.

Of course not. Miss burns is wearing her badge.

She's already gone inside.

That is impossible.

Perhaps you're at the wrong convention.

This is outrageous.

And just possibly saving 112 passengers

From a tragic, fiery death.

Absolutely incredible.

I find that story intensely moving.

I find that story as difficult to swallow

As I do thispotage en gel�e.

How would you like to swallow

Onesandwich de knuckles.

Psst! I've got to talk to you privately.

Meet me under the table.

What?

Oh, my goodness! There goes my napkin.

So far, so good, huh?

Don't you understand anything?

Like what? Like Eunice!

Nope, I don't understand Eunice.

She will be here any minute.

You have got to stop repeating yourself.

I am not repeating myself.

I am not repeating myself.

Oh, God, I'm repeating myself.

Steve, you don't want to marry Eunice.

I'm not Steve. I'm Howard!

Neither of you wants to marry Eunice!

Why do you say that?

You don't want to marry someone who's going to get

All wrinkled and lined and flabby.

Everybody gets wrinkled, lined, and flabby.

By next week?

Hey, what's going on down here?

You two just can't keep away from each other, can you?

Oh, we're just talking.

Are you all right, Mr. Lauralee?

Can I help?

No, I'm fine. We were just chatting.

What's going on? Anything wrong?

No, no, no.

Just testing a theory Howard has

About vocal reverberation under spinal pressure.

What?

Vocal reverberation under spinal pressure?

You know. V-r-u-s-p.

Yes. I think I read a monograph on that.

Charles, what kind of wine

Are you serving at table one?

I'm tell you, Bannister,

This girl of yours is fun.

F-u-n. If you win that Grant,

You can consider it her victory

As well as your own. You follow me?

I--I--

I certainly do.

Eunice: Howard Bannister!

Howard! Howard!

Howard Bannister!

Howard, tell them who I am!

They're trying to keep me out!

Who is that dangerously unbalanced woman?

Howard! Howard! Tell them who I am.

Tell them who I am!

I insist you tell them who I am right this minute!

I never saw her before in my life.

Look. Here she comes now.

Did you get the jewels out the hotel?

No. I put it in 1714.

1714?! What kind of a house detective are you,

You cannot commit a simple burglary?

I'm ashamed.

Never mind. I will return the case to her room

While you detain her.

How do I do that?

Use your charm.

Charm.

Use your charm.

What do you want?

Madame, it is I--fritz.

I suppose you have come to apologize

For the unbelievable criminal injustices

Which have been visited upon me in this place!

The fact is, miss burns,

That one of our guests has lost something.

Well, Mr. Fritz, I fail to see

How it could possibly be in here

Unless it crawled in under its own power.

Exactly, miss burns.

What are you trying to say?

It's very embarrassing,

But one of our regular guests, a wealthy eccentric,

Has lost his pet snake.

Here. Calm yourself! May I suggest

That you shut yourself in the bathroom

For a few moments

While I search your room.

What if it's in there?

It won't be in there, miss burns.

Snakes, as you know, live in mortal fear of...

Tile.

Oh... Yes.

It's all right, miss burns!

You can come out now!

What more can they do to me?

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ow!

What's the matter, Steve?

My name is not Steve, and the matter is,

How am I going to explain all this to Eunice?

That is the easiest thing.

Now, look, look.

First you go right down to her room, right?

You knock on the door, OK?

She answers the door.

Now, she will have been crying,

So her eyes will be all puffy and bloodshot,

And her nose is all red and running,

But you overlook that.

You put your hand on her shoulder,

And you stare purposefully

Into those red-rimmed, swollen eyes,

And you say, "Eunice, my dear,

"there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

"I've behaved like a cad, a bounder,

"but now I see everything clearly.

"and I've decided that Judy and I

Are going to put you into a home. "

That is not amusing.

Steve, what are you so upset about?

Tonight was fantastic.

We've got that Lauralee Grant virtually sewn up.

"we"?

Well, you have to admit I helped.

After all, he calls me Burnsy.

But that is not the point!

You're not Burnsy. Burnsy is Burnsy.

Eunice is Burnsy. I mean, she isn't Burnsy.

Nobody is Burnsy.

So, what is the point?

The point is... I've forgotten the point.

The point is that you think that when Mr. Lauralee

Finds out that I'm not really Eunice,

He'll think that you tried to put something over on him

And it's bye-bye 20,000 smackeroos.

Right. That's the point.

That money would enable me to establish certain proof

For theories of mine. Certain theories that...

Must you stand quite so close?

I'm very nearsighted.

Where was I?

Certain theories.

Right.

That money would enable me

To travel to the south of France

To examine evidence of prehistoric art forms

Hundreds of thousands of years old.

Aurignacian or upper perigordian?

Well, both actually--

Where do you come up with those names?

It's just a wild guess.

I want you to go away now.

Oh, Steve. I--I'm sorry.

I only wanted to help.

I know you don't mean any harm.

You're just... You're just different.

Thank you.

I know I'm different, but from now on,

I'm gonna try to be the same.

The same as what?

Same as people who aren't different.

Good. Thank you and good-bye.

Oh, come on, Steve, give me a Chance.

When you get to know me better, you'll like me.

I won't like you. Good-bye.

Let's not say good-bye.

Let's just say au revoir.

No. Let's say good-bye.

Enter Mrs. Van Hoskins' room

Through the adjoining room.

You will take the Jewel case

And go straight to the basement.

What if she wakes up and sees me?

You will tell her you are smitten with her,

That you have followed her all night,

And you will make passionate love to her.

Couldn't I just kill her?

No, no.

Ohh...

Oh!

I have...

I have...

These are crazy...

Kinds of things.

hello out there!

Hello.

Must be brain damage.

What?

I believe you dropped something.

What do you think you're doing?

I think I'm taking a bath, aren't I?

If you're not out of here in two minutes,

I'm calling the police.

Who do you think they'll arrest?

The girl in the tub

Or the Guy with his pants down?

I am not joking now.

I do not like to act rashly,

But you are the last straw that breaks my camel's back.

You are the plague,

You bring havoc and chaos to everyone,

But why to me? Why me? Why?

Because you look cute in your pajamas, Steve.

Get out!

Right now?

Yes!

No! Wait a minute!

Are you all right?

I don't know.

I think I've broken several major bones.

Let me see.

Don't help me, please.

Just tell me where it hurts.

Is it the ilium, the sacrum, the coccyx?

I hope it's not your coccyx.

I can't seem to breathe.

Is it possible to break a lung?

I think your necktie's too tight.

There, see? Now the phone is ringing.

I'll get it.

I can do it.

Hello! Yes.

Eunice who?

Oh, Eunice!

Howard, what's going on in there?

Oh, nothing much. I fell down.

Are you hurt?

No. I'm feeling much better now.

Thank you for calling, Eunice.

Howard! I'm coming in there.

I wish you wouldn't do that, Eunice.

I want to see if you're all right.

I'm still very angry with you, but I am concerned.

Do you hear me?

Yes, Eunice.

I think I'll get dressed now.

Howard, who was that?

Who was what?

I heard a voice

Say something about getting dressed.

It's the television set, Eunice.

There's a move on-- a war movie.

They're getting dressed for the big battle.

It was a woman's voice.

Yes, they're lady soldiers, Eunice.

It's called the fighting wacs.

You don't have a bathrobe I can put on, do you, Steve?

I'm coming in!

Well, that's it.

Only one thing left to do.

What's that? What, what?

Eunice is coming, you're here like that,

And I'm going to jump.

Steve!

Good-bye.

Steve, wait!

I don't believe it. You did it again.

Oh.

Oh.

Excuse me. Are you with the hotel?

Why?

I would like the key to 1716.

My fianc� is in there,

And I believe he has injured himself.

Sorry, lady.

I'm looking for something in 1717.

No, see, ordinarily, I wouldn't even ask,

But I really think it's an emergency.

I got my orders. I got to go to 1717.

Howard.

Open this door, Howard.

Howard, I know you're in there!

Do you hear me?

Howard, open this door immediately!

Howard?

What's wrong with the closet?

She'll look in there.

What kind of a person is she?

Howard Bannister, I am talking to you.

Howard, I know you're in there.

No, I can't! I'm terrified of heights!

I have acrophobia.

Look! There's a ledge.

I have ledgophobia.

Just until I can get rid of her.

I can't!

She has a violent temper!

I can't!

Howard!

She studies karate.

Maybe I can.

Howard!

Howard, I am counting to 5.

Don't count, Eunice. I hate it when you count.

1...

2...

3...

4...

5!

Hello, Eunice. Come on in.

Howard, if you have betrayed my trust in you--

What's that?

That's a bath, Eunice.

I was going to take a bath.

Since when have you taken bubble baths?

It came out of the faucet that way, Eunice.

Why are your rocks in the bathroom?

I don't know.

I wish I did, but I don't.

What are you looking for, dear?

Howard, you are not being open with me.

I am being open with you, Eunice.

I am always open.

It's open!

Good evening. Where do you want it, ma'am?

Where do I want what?

Roast beef on rye, mustard on top--

I don't want food!

Room 1716, right?

Well, I'll just set it up over here.

What's that?

What's what?

I hear knocking.

It's your nerves.

Oh!

Aahh!

Why are you fiddling with the window?

Too much fresh air, dear. Very harmful.

Howard, will you for goodness sake,

Turn off that television?!

Howard, if you don't turn that set off,

I am going to scream!

Youare screaming, Eunice.

hey, have a heart!

We're trying to get some sleep down here!

Eunice.

Heh heh!

Pull the plug out.

It's cable.

Pull the cable out.

Aaahh!

Aahh!

Down here.

Yeah! Send the fire department

To room 1716!

Why, miss burns, what are you doing

In Mr. Bannister's bedroom?

Don't you know the meaning of propriety?

Oh!

Hello?

Come in. It's broken.

I mean, it's open.

Good morning.

No, I don't think so.

I'm Mr. Kaltenborn,

The manger of what's left of the hotel.

I'm awfully sorry about this whole mess here.

Usually this doesn't happen.

Mr. Bannister,

I have a message for you from the staff of the hotel.

Really? What is it?

Good-bye.

That's the entire message?

We would appreciate it if you would check out.

When?

Yesterday.

That soon?

I don't suppose you have another room

You could let me use.

Mmm...

No.

Oh, well.

These are my igneous tambula rocks.

Yes. Of course they are.

Uh, where were you, uh, thinking of going now?

Well, my fianc�e, miss sleep,

Is still burning.

Miss burns is still sleeping.

I thought maybe I would just sit in the lobby.

Mmm...

No.

I'm--

Well, I'm awfully sorry about the room.

Oh, that's all right.

We have lots of others.

That's a nice view.

I must be crazy.

I'm looking out at the view, and Eunice is going home...

Of all the gin joints

In all the towns in all the world,

He walks into mine.

Play it, Sam.

I don't, uh...

you must remember this

C minor, seventh.

Oh.

a kiss

is still a kiss

a sigh

is just a sigh

the fundamental things apply

as time goes by

That's very good.

and when two lovers woo

they still say

they still say

I love you I love you

Yeah.

on that you can rely

no matter what the future brings

Ha ha ha!

What's wrong?

The future.

What's the matter with it?

Well, judging from the recent past--

Listen, you know what Edmund burke said--

You can never plan the future by the past.

I beg your pardon?

I guess you're wondering what a nice girl like me

Is doing quoting an 18th century Guy

Like Edmund burke.

I was a political science major at Colorado state.

Is that where you gathered information on rocks?

Hey, you've got a case just like mine.

No. Advanced geology, Wellesley.

What about the music?

Bennington, musical appreciation.

Comp. Lit. , northwestern university.

Is that it?

Archaeology, Tuskegee institute.

General semantics, university of Chicago.

Veterinary medicine, Texas A & M. Say when.

What were you trying to become?

A graduate.

Why is that so important?

It was important to my father.

He was very upset

When I was asked to leave my first college.

Asked to leave? Bounced.

You want to know why? No.

No. Anyway, he sent me someplace else after that,

But that didn't work out either.

None of them did.

Some of it was very nice.

I read a lot of good books,

I went to a lot of movies mostly,

But something always seemed to go wrong.

Yes, I can believe that.

Well, this last time was not my fault.

What happened?

Nothing, really.

It was just a little classroom.

It sort of burned down.

Burned down?

Well, blew up, actually.

Political activism?

Chemistry major.

Anyway, now I'm really scared to go home.

So am I.

How do you mean?

Eunice and I came all the way from Iowa.

The conservatory got together this fund

So that I could come here and win this Grant, but--

Hey! I forgot to give you this letter!

What letter?

It was under your door

When I came back to your room.

Did you open this?

How else could I have read it?

Did you... The Grant! Mr. Lauralee!

Yes, I saw it!

Oh, boy! The 20,000!

I know, I know.

I've got to tell Eunice.

Of course you do.

After all, she is--

She is my fianc�e.

Of course she is.

She--she deserves to be the first...

Or at least the second.

Yeah.

Where was I?

Eunice.

Who's Eunice?

Eunice.

Eunice.

Oh, Eunice, open the door.

I have some wonderful news.

I do not want your apologies, Howard.

I think it is too late for that.

All right, Eunice. No apologies.

Have you no heart?

I would think that after what you have done to me

You would come crawling for forgiveness.

Oh, Eunice, please let me read you this letter.

"dear Howard--"

Do you hear that, Eunice? "Howard. "

Itis your name.

"the committee and I are agreed

"that barring any unforeseen circumstances,

"you will be the next recipient of the Lauralee Grant.

"please join me and my guests for a luncheon at my house

"around noon, and don't forget to bring your charming fianc�e.

Sincerely, Frederick. " look, Eunice! "Frederick"!

I fail to see how he could refer to me

As your "charming fianc�e"

When he has never had the pleasure of meeting me!

Eunice, we can straighten all that out this afternoon.

Oh, all right, Howard.

It will take me some time to get dressed.

You go on without me, and I will follow

As soon as possible. The address, please?

888 Russian hill.

And, Eunice, try--

888 Russian hill.

Take it to 459 Dirella Street.

Deliver it to the boys on the second floor.

459 Dirella Street.

Hi. It's all settled.

Eunice is going to get dressed and meet us there.

I really think it's going to work.

Sure. What can go wrong?

Please. Don't you say that.

You just tell Mr. Lauralee

That Eunice is really Eunice,

And the Eunice he thinks is Eunice

Isn't Eunice.

Right. And what will you say?

About what?

About yourself.

I'll just tell him I'm a girl

You picked up in a drugstore--

No, no. You don't say that.

You... Don't say anything.

Right. I don't say anything.

I just sit there and nod.

Yes. And then this whole terrible episode will be over.

What about us?

And us-- we'll say good-bye.

It's that simple... I think.

OK! You go get a taxi. I'll be out in a minute.

Uh, miss Eunice burns, please.

Yes?

miss burns? Uh, this is Sylvia,

Mr. Larrabee's personal secretary.

There's been a little mix-up in the invitation

For this afternoon. Yes?

Yes, the luncheon has been switched

From Mr. Larrabee's home

To one of the Lauralee foundation offices.

Oh, but Mr. Bannister has already gone--

Oh, yes. I managed to catch Mr. Bannister

On his way out and tell him.

The address of the luncheon is--

Do you have a pencil, darling?

Yes.

459 Dirella Street.

Dirella?

Yeah, second floor.

I see, well, thank you, miss...

Uh, Louise.

I thought you said Sylvia.

Uh, yeah. Sylvia-Louise. You know, with a hyphen?

Excuse me.

Hmm?

Aaahh!

Robbed! All of my jewels!

Help! All my jewels!

Thieves! Robbers!

Thieves!

Uh, you're--you're sure this is the right address?

459 Dirella Street, lady.

You don't want me to wait, do you?

Yes, I do.

I didn't think so.

Hello? Hello?

Uh...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, um...

Um... Is there any... Hello? Hello?

Um...

Um, this can't be the Lauralee...

Why, those are Howard's.

What on earth are you doing with Howard Bannister's rocks?

Thank you very much.

Ahh! There they are-- our two stars.

Congratulations, Howard.

Thank you, Mr. Lauralee.

Frederick.

Frederick. And now I have

Something very important to tell you.

I want you to come with me, Burnsy,

And meet my friends.

Wait. Wait.

May I take that, sir?

Oh, no, thank you. I'll hold onto it.

I see you're all dressed up

For our celebration.

What happened, Wallister?

Bannister.

All of your other clothes burn up? Hmm?

No, I--I have to agree with her.

And of course you remember our Mr. Simon.

Miss burns, isn't it?

Uh, no, it's, um... Burnsy.

Of course, of course.

Ladies and gentlemen... And Mr. Lauralee.

Frederick!

And Mr. Frederick. What I want to say now--

What he's trying to say is

How much he appreciates your wonderful hospitality

And how many times we'll both think of you

When we're back in good old Iowa.

What compelling sentiments. Ppfft!

Did anyone ever tell you

That you were very, very sexy?

Well, actually, no.

They never will.

I myself have a little announcement to make

That may be of some interest.

My natural curiosity was aroused,

And so I did a little research

On Mr. Bankister and miss burns,

And I think--

I think it can wait

Until Howard has given us a little recital

On those famous-- on those famous rocks of his.

Um, how about it, Howard?

Oh, all right.

Um, for those of you unfamiliar with Dr. Bannister's theory

Of percussional and prehistoric and rhythmical communication,

Let me, uh, try to point out...

What's the matter?

I think--

Is something the matter?

Wrong case.

Identical traveling cases. Sweet, isn't it?

Man: Excuse me, Mr. Lauralee,

I wanted to ask you...

So, what were you saying about, um...

I think a slight mistake has been made somewhere.

The slight mistake, mesdames and messieurs,

Is in the so-called identity

Of these alleged colleagues.

I don't know who he is,

But she is definitely not herself.

What are you babbling about?

Nobody move! Get over there!

I want that case.

Which one?

What?

Which one?

Either one! Just slide it over here!

Don't move!

Get away from that case.

This is inexcusable.

You can't come in here uninvited.

Stand back, all of you!

All I want is

That one... And that one...

Maybe that one.

Throw that up here!

Howard!

Howard! Howard! They've got your rocks!

Don't nobody do nothing!

Throw down the case and the gun.

For God's sake, don't shoot me!

I'm part Italian.

Bottle it!

Don't kick those rocks, you philistine.

Shut up!

Don't you dare strike

That brave, unbalanced woman!

Mister?

YouSchweinhund!

Aah!

Grab his leg!

Aah! Uhh! Uhh!

Aah!

Give me that! Give me that!

Uhh!

Hi. Having fun?

I can't find my rocks.

Let's grab the cases.

Which ones? All of them.

Uhh!

Get--get--OK! No! No! No!

How many cases are there?

Maybe four of them.

Well, I've got three.

Give me one.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

In here! Stick 'em in here.

OK. How are your legs?

My legs?

Never mind! Push!

Hey!

Come on!

What?

Get on!

Oh!

Come on, Steve! You can do it!

My name is Howard.

Whoa!

Whoo!

We're gonna lose 'em if you don't hurry up!

Shut up, all of you!

Follow that cab!

I'm with the government!

Oh. All right.

Here they come!

Hang on!

Ohh!

Come on, Harry! Keep going!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Oh!

Uh-oh!

Step coming up.

You're in my way! I can't see!

Oh, no!

What is it? Don't ask.

Oh, no.

Oh, no. Aah!

Aah!

Put on the brakes. I am!

No!

Aah!

Where are we? I can't see.

Well, there's not much to see, actually.

We're inside a Chinese dragon.

Let's go.

Oh! Run!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

I know where the alley comes out!

Come on!

All right, let's go.

Oh! I got an idea.

What?

Follow me.

What's the idea?

Stick with me, kid.

Thank you very much.

This is a terrible thing we're doing.

Wait, wait. You're gonna love it.

I'm sorry. We'll be right back.

What are you doing? This is a one-way street!

We're only going one way.

Aaahh!

Aaahh! Look out!

Iam looking out!

Oh, no!

What are you doing?

Driving! I know that!

It's not time! What?

What does this thing do?

Oh, let me do it, for Pete's sake!

Look out for that!|

Will you turn off those things?

Oh.

That's the radio.

Oh.

How are we doing? Ohh...

Aah! Here they come! Turn here!

OK! I'm turning!

Hey, look at that! Go up there.

What?! No!

Yes!

Duck!

Now what?

Back up.

I knew you'd say that.

Where are they?

Mr. Lauralee, will you--

Frederick. Frederick.

Will you help?

Yes, I will. Who are you?

I am Eunice burns.

Who cares who she is? We're going to be killed!

We'll all be killed! Ohh!

I think we lost them.

Would you turn the radio off, please?

Oh, sure.

I think I'd better turn down there and just be sure.

Sorry.

Waah!

Aaahh!

Ohhh... They're gaining on us.

I think there's a good road right down there.

OK.

I can't see where we're going.

Here, let me clean your glasses.

Now I really can't see!

Judy, I can't see.

Here. Aah!

Oh, God, I can see.

They're headed for the ferry.

Follow 'em! OK!

We can make it! No!

We can make it.

Ohh!

I don't think

We can make it.

Where are they going?

Aah!

Help!

I mean... No! I'll help you.

Why did I--

Look at them.

A foul and depraved looking lot, bailiff.

Those are just the spectators, your honor.

Of course. I...

Well, get on with it.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

... 30th of July, 1972,

His honorable magistrate Robert p. Maxwell presiding.

Sit down.

Now, I don't want any noise tonight.

I don't want any disturbances

Or demonstrations of any kind.

I want peace and calm and order.

If there is any nonsense of any sort,

I will be merciless. Merciless!

Is that clearly understood?

Do you think they understood that, bailiff?

Yes, sir. I'm sure they did.

Well, let's get tonight's horror show on the road.

Ah-choo!

Is your honor feeling all right?

No, my honor is not feeling all right.

My head is pounding. My metabolism

Has practically ceased to function,

And my nerves are completely shot.

That's too bad, sir.

Do you have any idea what it's like

To sit here night after night

And watch this endless parade

Of human debris floating by?

Yes, sir. Of course I have.

Oh, no, you don't.

You don't have to make up your mind

Whether to put them away in some ghastly hellhole

Or turn 'em all loose

To commit some other hideous offense.

I'd like to send every one of them

To an island somewhere wrapped in heavy chains.

Do you know why I don't, bailiff?

Why, judge?

Compassion.

I just have too much compassion.

That's why I'm a wreck.

You see this yellow pill?

Yes, sir.

You know what it's for?

What, judge?

To remind me to take this blue pill.

What's the blue one for, judge?

I don't know.

They're afraid to tell me.

Your honor, I think it'll be pretty quiet tonight.

Eunice: That was deliberate. You just have no--

No right pushing. I don't care...

I was framed! I was framed!

Silence!

Silence! Silence! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up... Everyone!

Now, if there are any further outbursts of this nature,

I'm gonna give somebody orders to shoot to kill.

Ah, you made me smash my lifesavers.

Now, we're gonna get this story

Calmly and clearly.

First of all, just what the devil are these?

My rocks. My jewelry.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Whom do these cases belong to?

I want my bike back.

I'll give your bike back.

I'll give you a broken back if you don't be quiet.

officer.

What are these people being charged with?

Well, that's kinda hard to say, judge.

Give it a shot.

Well, sir, we picked some of them

Out of San Francisco bay.

Entering the country illegally?

No, sir. They drove in.

The country?

Into the bay.

Oh, that's better.

Unauthorized use of public waters.

Mostly in stolen cars.

Oh, ho! That's grand larceny.

Then there was a shooting.

That's assault with a deadly weapon.

They broke into my home.

That's breaking and entering.

And they brought her with them forcibly.

That's kidnapping.

They tried to molest me.

That's...

Unbelievable.

Your honor, I can clear all this up

In 10 seconds.

You do, and you'll get a prize.

May I approach the bench?

Yes. Watch him like a hawk.

As you can see, I represent our government.

God bless it!

Oh, shut up! Go on.

Your honor, I've been following

This person's movements for quite some time,

And I can prove that he is in unauthorized possession

Of secret government...

Underwear.

Underwear?!

Get the court psychiatrist.

Watch out! Those might be my rocks!

Tell 'em to bring straitjackets.

The people have a right to know!

In assorted sizes.

Order!

order!

Order in the court!

Order in the court!

Everyone, be quiet!

Everyone, be quiet! Silence!

Silence! You, too!

Me, too.

Now, this is a court of law--

My court of law.

It may not look like much to you,

But it's all I've got.

Ordinarily, I would threaten you with contempt.

But in this case,

And I think the supreme court'll back me up,

I am seriously considering setting up a torture chamber!

Now... I want this whole ridiculous story

Told by one person.

Is there anybody here think they can handle it?

All right.

And while he's telling it,

The rest of you keep whips, red-hot irons

In the back of your minds.

Well, sir, my name is Howard Bannister,

And I'm from Ames, Iowa.

No excuse.

No, sir, but it all started

When I bumped my head in a taxi cab

On the way in from the airport.

Are you pleading insanity or amnesia?

Neither, sir. But when I went to the drugstore

To get something for a headache,

The druggist tried to charge me for a radio

Because she said her husband would pay for it.

But I didn't, of course.

Of course.

Anyway, she ripped my jacket,

And when Eunice came along--

Wh-who's Eunice?

Well, Eunice is my fianc�e.

You have a wife and a fianc�e?

No, sir. But, uh, she kept calling me Steve.

Your own fianc�e calls you Steve?

No, sir, my wife,

Or rather the one who isn't my wife.

Well, what does the one who isn't your fianc�e

Call you? Howard?

No, sir. The one who isn't my fianc�e

Doesn't call me Howard,

And the one who isn't my wife doesn't call me Howard,

Because the one who isn't my fianc�e

Is also the one who isn't my wife.

The other one who isn't my wife,

The one whois my fianc�e,

She doesn't call me Steve.

She calls me Howard. Do you see?

Let's just skip over this part and move on.

Well, anyway, that night at the banquet,

She was there again.

Who was there, your wife or your fianc�e?

Neither.

There's a third?

No, sir. The one who isn't either.

Everyone was calling her Burnsy.

Why?

That's short for burns.

That's Eunice�s last name.

So Eunicewas there.

No, sir. Burnsy was there,

Or rather, the one who isn't Burnsy.

I think I want to skip over this part, too.

Well, that night, I went back to my room,

And she was there taking a bath.

Who was there?

No, no. Don't tell me. Just go on.

Well, when Eunice walked in

And the drapes caught fire

And everything burned,

They asked me to leave the hotel.

I don't blame them.

Good boy. Is there more?

Oh, sure. There's more.

Well, the next day...

Today... Mr. Lauralee asked me to come

To his house with my rocks

And to bring Eunice, or rather, Burnsy--

The one he thinks is Eunice.

Is that clear?

No, but it's consistent.

Shall I go back over it?

Oh, no. Please, I beg you,

Don't. No. Just--just go on.

Well, it gets kind of complicated now.

First there was trouble between me and Hugh.

You and me?

No, not you. Hugh.

I am Hugh.

You are me?

No. I am Hugh.

Stop saying that.

Make him stop saying that.

Don't touch me. I'm a doctor.

Of what? Music.

Can you fix a hi-fi? No, sir.

Then shut up! Well, anyway,

He came in and tried to get my case,

And then he came in and tried to get his case,

And then they came in and tried to get all the cases,

And then the shooting started.

They forced me to come with 'em.

I was out in the car the whole time!

You little fink!

Silence. Silence!

Silence! Order!

Now, this is my last warning!

I intend to get to the bottom

Of this web of deceit and confusion

If it takes me the rest of my life,

Which may end at any minute.

Now, you-- you in the blanket.

You seemed to have caused all this.

Exactly what have you got to say for yourself?

Judy?

Hello, daddy.

You got your rocks back.

You got your things back.

Going somewhere?

Back to school.

Another one?

Sure.

According to the 1970 enrollment study,

There are 1,145 institutions of higher education,

So, uh, I've got quite a few to go.

Hey, look at that.

Could you give me information

About flights to Rio de Janeiro?

Yes.

It wasn't all so bad, was it?

I mean, of course, it was terrible

That they took the Grant away.

Well, they had to do that. The Lauralee foundation

Just isn't used to having to bail its founder out of jail.

There are a lot of other grants, you know.

I was reading just the other day about a--

Oh, Judy, I wish you wouldn't tell me about it.

You see, you have this way

Of making everything sound reasonable,

And then rooms begin to burn.

People start to chase people.

Hey, look at that.

Well, I guess I owe you 20,000 bucks.

Don't be silly.

Listen, if I paid you off at $10 a week,

We'd be even in, um...

38 years and 5 1/2 months.

You did that fast.

New math. Mount Holyoke.

Miss Maxwell.

Hello, young man.

Mrs. Van Hoskins.

Now, miss Maxwell, as you may know,

There was a $20,000 reward

For the return of my jewels.

20,000?! Now, I paid

For the damage done to your room.

That was $2,800.

And then that little car you were in,

That was $2,400.

And of course, the two other cars.

Let me see. That was $3,400

For the taxi and, uh...

Oh, I guess I'd better have my, uh...

My little list, Michael.

Oh, yes, of course.

$2,600 for the other.

Now, the pane of glass you broke was $1,600,

Damages to a costume store,

A restaurant, a delivery cart,

And, oh, goodness me, a Chinese dragon--

$3,850.

One canopy--$2,300,

And $1,000 in court costs,

Making a grand total of $19,950,

Leaving $50 to be split between, uh, you two

And the cabdriver

And that dear little old man and, of course,

The, uh, gentleman from the government.

And there you are, my dear.

And God bless you.

Michael.

hey, that leaves only

38 years, 5 months, and 1 week to go.

See, sometimes it's kind of fun.

I know, but...

Don't tell me. You need peace and quiet.

That's right.

You'll miss me.

I know that, too.

Well...

Well...

Eunice: Howard! Howard Bannister.

We, um, have come to see Mr. Simon off.

No hard feelings, eh, Bannister?

C'est la vie.

C'est la guerre.

C'est la dreck.

Well, I'll be catching my plane now,

So it will be arrivederci to all.

Well, don't forget this, Simon.

What? Ah! The check. Would you care to have

Just a look at that there, Bannister?

That's very nice.

Eunice: You deserved it, Howard, you really did.

Oh, I suppose there are some who think

There's some merit in the study

Of prehistoric mineral tappings,

But I think the Hugh Simon theory

Of Swiss scale patterns

Will stand the test of time.

Just what is that theory, Mr. Simon?

Oh, I doubt that you're qualified

To understand it, miss Maxwell, but briefly,

The Simon theory runs of the notion

That the 16th- and 17th-century

Swiss composers

Developed a unitronic scale pattern

Based upon the uniform intervals

Utilized in the mountaineer yodel.

You developed this theory?

Are you wondering?

That should come as some shock to professor Findelmyer.

What are you talking about?

You know what I mean. The Findelmyer proposition.

I don't know what you mean.

Sure, you do.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Besides, that's never been translated.

Just once--1925 Harvard press musicological review.

It's probably out of print now, but I--

Of course!

Professor Heydrich Findelmyer,

The university of Zurich, 1911.

The controversial Findelmyer proposition.

No wonder it sounded so familiar.

I'm sorry, Simon.

This is unspeakable!

Simon, you're a plagiarist,

And what's worse, you're a bad loser,

And you're nasty. I don't like you,

And I want you to go away.

Um, Howard, the foundation will make out a new check

And send it on to you at the conservatory.

Thank you, Mr. Lauralee.

Frederick.

Um, Howard, I've asked Eunice to stay on with me

For a few days.

In separate quarters, of course.

Of course.

We've shared a great deal

In the past day or so,

And I think perhaps...

Well, you know what I mean.

Eunice: Well, good-bye, Howard. You'd better hurry,

Or you'll miss your plane.

Come, Frederick. Now, it is 12:05,

And the lecture starts promptly at 1:00.

Well, Judy, I gue--

Judy?

Judy.

Huh? What? No, no. I'm a transfer student.

No. Not the university.

The conservatory of music.

It's in Ames. You've never heard of it?

Well, it's a small conservatory, but there are those who love it.

There's a professor there whom I hope to be studying with,

A--a brilliant man. Dr. Howard Bannister?

No, Bannister, as in "sliding down the. "

You--you have heard of him?

Yeah, that's right! The nut with the rocks.

What's up, doc?

Did you happen to know that I... Love you?

Yeah.

You did? Do?

Listen, kiddo, you can't fight a tidal wave.

About those things I said,

I mean, the way I acted back there--I'm sorry.

Let me tell you something.

Love means never having to say you're sorry.

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Cartoon: we really mean it

what's

up

doc?

Th-th-th-that's all, folks.

Steve, there's something I gotta tell you.

What is it, Judy?

Well... Um...

you're the top

I am?

you're Waldorf salad

Oh, no. Let me say it.

you're the top

Me, too?

That's right.

you're a Berlin ballad

Oh, that's nice.

you're the nimble tread

of the feet of Fred Astaire

Actually, I don't dance very well.

you are an O'Neill drama

you'rewhistler's mother

Mama.

Sorry.

you're camembert

Camembert? Well, let's see.

you're a Rose

Ohh, that is sweet.

you're inferno's Dante

That's a very intellectual reference.

you're the nose

Watch it.

I mean-- what? What?

Well... Well, what?

on the great Durante

Oh, that's better.

I'm a lazy lout

who is just about to stop

Let's not stop.

but if, baby, I'm the bottom

she's the one for me

and I've got him

'cause if, baby, I'm the bottom...

You're the top.