Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see ♪

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Man, this is my least favorite time of year‐‐

Spring break. It's the worst.

I mean, people drunk everywhere. orgies in the streets.

Kids running around in togas.

It's not even like Miami. It's like ancient Rome.

Ancient Rome was never like that.

Sure every now and then we'd get a bad emperor, but...

I'm showing my age, aren't I?

You know what? This year I'm ready for these college kids.

If they wanna try and sneak beer in the room, they gotta go by me.

If they wanna try and sneak a little friend in the room, they gotta go by me.

If they wanna go skinny‐dipping in that pool, they'll gotta‐‐

Blanche: Go by me.

Come on boys, I'll show you up to your rooms.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! No more than five guys at a time.

Yeah and don't overload the elevator either.

Sophia, these are children.

Why I have made it abundantly clear to these young gentlemen

that I'm a trained working professional of this hotel,

and I'm only here to provide professional services.

So, in spite of your insinuations,

I'm neither a tart nor a floozy.

I'm a massage technician.

You know, when kids look at people my age,

‐they have certain expectations. ‐Mm‐hmm.

And you feel an obligation to be mature and wise. Don't you?

No, mean. Mean as sin.

Old people scare the hell out of 'em.

Hey, you. No running indoors.

What a rush.

Can I help you?

Hi, my name's Benson. I'm checking in.

Okay, Benson. You're in room 201.

What do you got in the trunk... Benson?

‐Clothes. ‐(chuckles) Clothes?

All right let me tell you who you're dealing with.

I'm Roland Wilson, baby. I know every trick in the book.

Man, you got a friend in here and you're trying to sneak him in.

‐But that's not gonna happen ‐No, I don't. Honest.

Well, let's just have a little look see inside.

‐No man, there's no need‐‐ ‐Open it, Benson.

Look. I just want to check in to... Room 201!

All right. You're clean...

But I'm going to be watching you.

College kids, huh?

Yeah man, but I'm up to them.

You know, I had my party days when I was with my frat.

Yeah, me, the stooge, creeper, snake‐‐ Man, we had some great times.

Stooge, creeper, and the snake?

Yeah. You know when guys in a frat together and they like each other

they give each other these great nicknames. And it was kind of a tradition.

‐Oh, yeah, what was yours? ‐Roland.

Hey man, where'd you go to college?

Me? I didn't, man.

See back in the 60s, the government had this alternative program

for minorities who couldn't afford college.

What the heck was the name of it? Oh, yeah. Vietnam.

And it was before I shipped out, me and my buddies got together

‐we had our own spring break. ‐Really? What'd you do?

Oh you know, the usual partied all night, met a girl, built a 43‐foot burrito.

It was almost a world record too man,

except we ate it before we could get the Guinness people down there.

Man, I wish I had another shot at that.

Wait a minute, why would you build a 43‐foot burrito?

Same reason Picasso painted noses on the sides of women faces.

Oh, because he was a great artist?

Is that why he did that?

Wow! I did that burrito because I was wasted.

Has Charlene arrived yet?

No, she should have been here an hour ago

I better call the airport at St. Olaf and check on the flight.

I didn't know St. Olaf had an airport.

Well, of course it has silly, it's a major metropolitan area.

Hello. Yes, is this St. Olaf International Airport?

Oh, yes I can hold.

He's giving someone a haircut.

Hello, Grandma.

Charlene, oh, honey. Am I glad to see you.

I brought you a copy of the St. Olaf news.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, it's so nice to see comics on the front page where they belong.

Oh, we're gonna have such good times. We're gonna have tea parties

and braid each other's hair.

Actually, Grandma, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Rick.

‐Rick: Hi. ‐He'll be staying here this weekend.

Oh, silly me. You brought a boy with you. Well, you know what? I think

it's almost long enough I think his hair will braid up just fine.

Actually, Grandma, we thought we'd go jet‐skiing this afternoon.

Oh, that sounds exciting.

Yeah and tonight we thought we check out some of the clubs.

‐That sounds like fun. ‐And we thought Rick and I could share a room.

Sounds like a cold day in hell.

Benson. Hold it.

‐What? ‐Come here.

Come, come, come here. Open the coat.

What? I don't have no beer in this.

Just open the coat.

Aha. Ha ha. Just as I thought.

Well, Mr. Sneaky...

Guess you're not as sneaky as you thought you were.

Are you, Mr. Sneaky?

I'm sorry. I just wanted a sip of it.

You know, to get that crazy feeling.

Pretty irresponsible, aren't I?

No. Don't worry about it.

I just don't want that kind of thing happening in this hotel.

I was stupid to even try.

You bet you were.

Hey, sorry about that Mr. Sneaky crack.

Forgotten.

(softly) All right.

Sophia, table one is threatening to eat some place else,

if you don't get their dinner on the table in two minutes.

I'll take care of it.

Listen, you kids.

Don't mess with my work furlough program.

I can't promise I won't kill again.

Did you see the terror in their eyes?

Kids, you gotta love' em.

Hey, Blanche, I'd like you to reconsider this giant burrito.

The answer is no.

Blanche doesn't the idea of a 43‐foot burrito excite you?

I must be getting jaded. No.

Grandma, can I talk to you for a second?

Oh, sure you can, honey.

You know, it's funny, but of all the people I know,

you know, you're the only one I can really open up to.

I feel like I can tell you anything and not be judged.

Well, sweetheart I'm always here for you. What's on your mind?

Well, Rick and I have been dating for about a year now, and,

oh, I really like him. And, well,

I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about having sex with him.

I see, um... Charlene, do you remember that little song I used to sing to you

whenever you had trouble deciding the right thing to do?

♪ He knows when you Are sleeping ♪

♪ He knows when You're awake ♪

Grandma.

♪ He knows when you've Been bad or good ♪

♪ So be good For goodness' sake ♪

Everybody, sing.

♪ You better Not cry ♪

‐♪ You better not‐‐ ♪ ‐Grandma! Grandma! (sighs)

Grandma, this is serious.

I really, really need some advice.

Well, honey, back in St. Olaf,

when girls would get thoughts like, like the ones you're having now,

the clergy would put us to work paving that little dirt road in front of the church

until the thoughts just went away.

I don't remember any dirt road.

Well, you know it as the Minneapolis turnpike.

And now the sting.

What's up, dawg?

Yeah. (chuckles)

Hey, man, can you believe this place?

They got no security at all.

Man, when I leave, Imma take the ashtrays,

the towels, I may even take my dresser. (chuckles)

What chu gonna take, G?

I wouldn't put any of this ugly stuff in my house.

It's a nice place man, they got some nice stuff.

Well, be careful. There's always one undercover cop

tryna pass themselves off as one of these kids

I know man, it's usually the real lope

who's trying real hard to look young and hip but can't quite cut it.

Thanks for the tip, Officer.

Officer? Man, I ain't no cop. Oh, what's the use?

Roland, what's the matter?

I know, these kids are wrecking the hotel,

but I can't catch them.

And I can't wait to get them outta here.

Honey, we can't afford lose to them.

But Blanche, we can't afford to have them here.

Whether you see the damage.

(thunder rumbling)

Well, the weather report says it's gonna storm all weekend.

Maybe we should go to Key West where it's sunny.

kids: Yeah! Let's go!

Roland, Roland, we need their business.

Oh, if they leave we're going to lose a fortune.

Oh, there must be something fun these kids can do indoors.

Hey, we could still go for that world's record.

Chuy, for the last time,

I will have nothing to do with a 43‐foot burrito.

(thunder rumbling)

All right! Let's get that giant burrito moving!

Slowly I'll cook, bean by bean,

tortilla by tortilla...

And soon I shall stand in front of my greatest creation‐‐

The 43‐foot burrito! (chuckles)

Bet you can't eat just one.

Blanche, have you seen Charlene?

Oh, yes. We had a very nice little chat.

Really, about what?

Oh, this and that. That and this. Sex.

You didn't.

Charlene needed guidance and you wouldn't give it,

so I gave her a little advice.

I told her to approach her budding sexuality the same way I did.

Blanche, you're crazy if you think I'm going to let Charlene

paint a bull's‐eye on any part of her body.

Charlene, open up. Tell me you didn't listen to Blanche.

Oh, no. I'm too late.

You are in big trouble. You...

No, no, no, no, no. Grandma, you got it all wrong.

We're just getting ready for our snorkeling lesson.

Look at his equipment.

I will not.

I'll be downstairs.

How could you embarrass me like that?

This is all Blanche's fault.

I mean, this was going to be such a wonderful week

and now she had to go and ruined it.

All I wanted to do was spend some time with you.

No, grandma. You want to spend some time with some little girl who's not here anymore.

And if you can't see me for who I am,

then I can't stay here.

Oh, Charlene, no. C‐char, come back. I‐‐

I'm just trying to protect your reputation.

(knock on door)

Charlene ready?

Oh, no. Word's gotten out already.

All right, boil that rice.

Come on, grate that cheese.

Hey, stir those beans.

Hitler, Stalin, and now you.

What are you saying, Sophia, that I've turned into some kind of dictator?

No. I was just thinking how much younger the three of you would look without the mustache.

Hey, this burrito thing's a kick.

This is not just a burrito, Sophia.

This record is my shot at immortality.

By the time I'm done with this burrito, it'll be limber, yet firm...

Taut, yet soft and supple to the touch.

All the curves in all the right places.

Man, I need a woman.

All right, everybody. Take a break.

Rose: Any word from Charlene?

No.

Oh, I'm so furious.

This is all Blanche's fault

that she's out there somewhere in the rain, with no place to stay.

Rose Nylund, you open this door and let me in.

And God only knows where Charlene is.

I was only doing what I thought best.

I don't want to talk about it.

Come on, Rose, surely this must've come up with your own daughters.

Things were different back then. I mean, nobody would consider having sex

in the same building with a parent.

People were a lot more discreet back then, huh?

No. We all drove really big cars.

(sighs) You know, it's not easy for fathers once their daughters start dating.

Oh, tell me about it.

There was always one kid in every town who scared the hell out of all the daddies,

you know, the kind of rebel who wouldn't think twice

about climbing in the bedroom window late at night, or

pretending to run out of gas on a lonely country road,

or getting somebody drunk just in order to have their way with them.

Yes, sir. I had quite a bag of tricks.

I'll never forget picking up Dolores at her father's house for our first date.

I knock on the door and suddenly I'm face to face

with this 300 pound monster with hairy arms opening a beer bottle through broken teeth.

And what was her father like?

Hey, guys, listen to this.

I was just at the lobby right and there's this kid out there being really loud and obnoxious

and just as I open my mouth to tell him to knock it off,

this strange voice came out of me

and then suddenly, I just realized something.

We have a ventriloquist here at the hotel?

No, Rose. It occurred to me that I sound just like my dad.

Yeah, I was getting ready to yell at this kid the same way that my dad used to yell at me.

(scoffs) It's weird, man. I'm starting to get old.

Roland, don't you think you're being a little silly?

No. I'm telling you something is making me old before my time, I just wish I knew what it was.

I don't know.

It's anybody's guess.

Beats me.

Tums?

Oh, Roland, what you're feeling isn't all that unusual.

Even I on occasion have worried about growing older.

Get out of here.

Yes, I'm telling you menopause was very difficult for me.

Oh, I don't want to hear this.

Tell him about your hot flashes.

Oh, honey, they were faster than a strobe light at a gay disco.

I really don't want to hear this.

The change hit me overnight. I went to bed one night, young and beautiful,

the next morning I looked like a Barbie doll that somebody left on the radiator.

But you don't want to hear this.

No, oddly enough. That one I didn't mind too much.

Well, it's a good thing you didn't mind it, because it happens to everybody.

I mean people grow. They change.

I mean, nobody can be expected to just stay

at the same stage throughout their life.

Really?

Isn't that what you're asking Charlene to do?

I guess I am.

‐(softly) Give me a second? ‐(softly) Yeah.

Hi, Grandma.

Charlene, honey, are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't call last night. Rick and I stayed at another hotel.

No... Before you tell me about last night,

I want to apologize. I mean, you came to me with a problem,

and I wasn't there for you.

But I want you to know that whatever decision you've reached, I'll accept.

Rick and I didn't sleep together last night.

Oh, you're a good girl.

You're a good, clean girl! Ohh... Ho ho.

Last night I was too upset about what happened between you and me

that I didn't get to decide.

But I‐‐ I don't know what I'm gonna do about tonight.

So, do you think now we can talk?

Well, honey, the truth is I‐‐ I can't make that decision for you.

‐I mean, only you can. ‐(sighs) Yeah.

But I can tell you what I did.

I waited until after I was married.

I mean, that doesn't make me better or somebody else worse.

Anyway, when the time is right, you'll know. And I can tell you this.

You're going to enjoy it a lot more if you're in love.

That's funny. That's exactly what Blanche said.

‐Blanche told you to wait? ‐Uh‐huh.

Our Blanche, Blanche Devereaux... told you to wait?

Yeah. She said that I would know when the time is right.

Well, that doesn't sound like Blanche.

Actually, she said I would know when the many, many times were right.

(mimicking Blanche) The many, many, many times...

Oh, yeah. That sounds like Blanche.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry I was so hard to talk to.

I think I just miss the little girl

I used to color with and play dolls with.

Actually, Grandma, we never played together. I just sort of watched you.

Well, I miss the company.

So, do you have any big plans for the rest of the day?

Well, I thought we'd do some sightseeing, catch a movie.

Aw, Rick will enjoy that.

No, Grandma. I thought I'd do that with you.

(softly) Oh, honey.

‐Let's go get you a snack. ‐Okay. (chuckles)

Hey, what gives? Who put the padlock on my door?

Party's over, sneaky.

What are you talking about?

Face it, sneaky. You've been outsnucked.

I know you've been hiding extra kids up in your room

and they're gonna stay there under lock and key until you cough up the extra dough.

‐But I don't‐‐ ‐Eh, save it, sneaky man.

Look, you may have fooled me once.

You may have fooled me twice.

But this time I'm way ahead of you. So look...

We're gonna go up to your room,

and every extra kid I find up there you're gonna pay for, all right?

‐Fair enough. ‐All right.

All right, sneaklings, you're busted.

‐Roland: Sophia! ‐Ah! What?

kids: Ohhh!

And now... We measure it.

(all chanting) Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! Chuy! Chuy!

43 feet, 2 inches. Did you hear that?

43 feet, 2 inches! A new world's record!

(cheering)

(all chanting) Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy!

Oh, Chuy, what a cute little burrito.

Blanche, we just set a new world's record.

Oh, that's nice.

Nice? Do you any idea how big it is?

Um... 43 feet, 2 inches?

(all chanting) Blanche! Blanche!

Blanche! Blanche!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I say something?

You know Chuy, now that I've seen how hard you worked and,

how important this burrito is to you, there's something I feel compelled to tell you.

What is it, Sophia?

I can't find my watch and I'm going in.

Whoa, whoa, stop! Wait, Sophia.

In an hour, the guys from the record book get here.

And I've waited 24 years for this and nothing can stop me now.

‐Listen, everybody, we've got a problem. ‐Blanche: Why what's the matter?

They've just issued a flash flood warning on the news.

They want all the businesses to use whatever means necessary

to keep water damage at a minimum.

Well, we'll just get some sandbags from the fire department.

We don't have time for that. No, we have to use everything around here

that's able to soak up lots and lots of water.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

‐Chuy, it's our only chance. ‐Forget it. No way!

We have to make some kind of sacrifice.

How about if we throw the old lady into the volcano.

‐How can that help? ‐How can it hurt?

Ohh, okay.

‐But can I save 3 feet of it? ‐Why?

To break the record. Before this world's largest burrito is only is 2 feet, 11 inches.

‐(chanting) Kill Chuy! ‐(all chanting) Kill Chuy!

Kill Chuy! Kill Chuy!

Kill Chuy! Kill Chuy!

Kill Chuy! Kill Chuy!

Well, they got past me last year.

Okay, okay they got past me this year.

But from now on, no other kid is getting out of this hotel

without paying their bill.

Good evening.

Have a nice evening, sir.

We will.

You see, I've got like this radar.

Which allows me to hone right in on, um...