Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true ♪

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see ♪

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Roland: Hey, Chuy man, you should check out the stage in the ballroom.

It's really starting to look like a comedy club man.

We're gonna make a lot of money in this thing.

Yeah, yeah, that's a great idea.

Oh, by the way, I have an application

for somebody who wants to enter the comedy competition.

You're kidding, right?

Nope.

"Corney Castillos"?

Yeah. Do you love it? (chuckles)

See I was trying to come up with a stage name that was funny,

and since the funniest word in the world is "Corn"...

Corn! Ha ha ha ha!

Hey, what could be funnier than Corney Castillos?

All I got to do now is come up with a five‐minute act,

but I have all week, so how hard can it be?

Corney, listen to me. (clears throat)

You don't want to get up on that stage and make an idiot of yourself.

Now what you need is a writer. You know, someone who is young, down, naturally funny,

You know, like me.

(scoffs) You? (chuckles)

Uh, no offense, brother, but you're about as funny as a lima bean.

Hey, can anyone join this comedy competition?

Oh, not you, too, Sophia. What's your stage name, "Moms Petrillo"?

Boy, you make one adult party record in the 50s and it haunts you all your life.

You know, I was thinking of a guy I knew back in the old neighborhood.

An older guy.

Older than you?

He was part of a comedy team. Williams and Brown or Brown and Williams

or Williams and Williams. Funny guy.

Look, doesn't matter what his name is, anybody older than you can make it on the stage,

I'll put him on.

Hey, you know, this is shaping up to be quite a weekend.

I just learn my son Matthew is gonna come for a visit,

and the comedy show's almost sold out.

Oh yeah, speaking of which Chuy wants to enter, and Sophia‐‐

Oh, don't let Sophia enter. Have you heard her party record? It's filthy!

Aww...

Hello. My name is Bill Douglas. I have a reservation.

Oh, yes, Mr. Douglas. Yes, I have you right here.

You know, you look very familiar to me.

Where do I know you from? What do you do for a living?

Well, I own a mattress factory.

Maybe you've heard about our line‐‐ Douglas mattresses,

the mattress that will last a lifetime.

Yes. I've had three of those.

Oh.

Well, I hope you enjoy your stay

here at The Golden Palace.

‐Thank you. ‐We do everything we can

to make our guests feel like that very special.

Thank you. Thank you.

(gasp) Aah!

Oh!

Rose,

are you okay? You look shaky like you've...

Seen a ghost?

Oh I was going to say "drinking heavily," but...

"Seen a ghost" works, too.

Rose, are you all right?

Look at this picture.

Oh, my goodness.

It's you and Mr. Douglas on a cow.

No. That's me with Charlie. (sharp inhale)

Mr. Douglas looks exactly like my husband Charlie.

Oh, well, no wonder he looks so familiar. Oh...

Oh, and I made such a fool of myself.

Oh, he must think I'm a nut.

I really should apologize. I mean, he is a guest.

Well, if it makes you uncomfortable,

I think you oughta just avoid that particular guest.

Oh, Blanche, don't be silly. I mean,

I'm a big girl. I'm not gonna create a situation

just because somebody happens to looks like Charlie.

Oh, good.

Course, if he kisses like Charlie,

you'll have to get the jaws of life to get me off him.

Man, read‐‐ read this joke.

Read this. Yeah you're going to love it.

"Too bad Al Gore's not a waiter, because he married a good tipper."

Boom!

I don't get it.

What do you mean? His wife's name is Tipper.

It's not funny.

Man that's 'cause you're not saying it right. You got to hit "Tipper."

His wife's a good "Tipper ."

That's big funny.

Chuy, Roland, I want you all to meet my son Matthew.

Matthew, this is Roland and Chuy.

Oh, hey, nice to meet you. We got to go.

Okay. Oh, honey, I just have so many plans for us today.

Uh, Mother, could we talk for a minute? Look, I have something to tell you.

Okay.

Jeez, I'm nervous. Um, how can I put this?

You know, Mom,

you and I have a lot more in common than you think.

We like the same things.

We like the same things? Honey, the only thing I really like is m‐‐

Oh... My God, you're gay.

No.

No, what I mean is we both like to take chances,

like when you bought this hotel.

You weren't afraid to change your life.

So I've decided to stop being a stockbroker and become a stand‐up comic.

Matthew, honey, if this is your roundabout way to tell me that you're gay,

you don't have to. I accept it.

I'm not gay, Mother.

Oh, yes, you are.

Remember those open toed sandals you wore in high school? Please...

Sorry, but I'm not. And I really want to do comedy.

Oh... Comedy. No, Matthew. That's so undignified.

How could you do this to me?

I'm not saying I'm gonna make a career of it,

but I've been performing at some clubs, and I'm not half bad.

So when you wrote me about this comedy competition, I came down here so you could see it.

You didn't quit your job? Did you?

‐For a little while. ‐Oh!

Well, forgive me if I cannot laugh, Matthew,

but I find nothing funny about my son ruining his life.

Now, I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Let's just get you checked in.

You want to listen to some show tunes later?

Straight as an arrow, Mom.

Damn!

Hello.

Oh, hello!

You're probably wondering why I screamed

and ran away from you this morning.

I'm used to that. I used to sell Amway.

Uh, please.

Oh.

My name is Bill Douglas.

Rose Nylund.

Mm‐hmm.

The reason I reacted the way I did was...

was... Uh, well, just before I saw you,

I remembered I forgot to unplug the iron back at the house.

Oh, is everything all right?

I don't know. I sold the house in 1976.

I guess I would've heard something by now.

Uh, where did you live?

Oh, in a beautiful little town in Minnesota

called St. Olaf.

Oh.

‐Have you ever been there? ‐My wife and I honeymooned there.

Oh...

Will your wife be joining you here?

Oh, no. She passed away a few years ago.

Oh! Oh... That must have been hard.

Yes, it was.

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

‐Yes. ‐Ah!

What time?

7 o'clock, in the lobby?

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't serve dinner in the lobby.

Well, why don't you and I just meet in the lobby,

and then we will go out to a restaurant?

Great!

Ha! All right. See you at 7:00.

Yeah.

Wow! And smart, too.

Okay Chuy, I'm setting up the lineup for Saturday night's show.

Now you sure you still want to go on?

What makes you think that I wouldn't want to go on?

'Cause I saw you rehearsing your act today.

Somebody cr‐rack a window!

You're just saying that 'cause I'm not using any of your lousy jokes.

My jokes? What about your jokes?

Uh, I had a dream last night that I ate a giant marshmallow.

and when I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Ha ha ha ha. Va‐voom!

Man, that joke is so old, Pia Zadora wouldn't marry it.

That reminds me, I talked to my friend he thinks he can make it.

Oh, great. What's his name?

Oh, this is crazy. I just had it.

I tell you, at my age the first thing to go is the, uh...

the, uh... the, uh...

Mind?

No. Help yourself.

Look, Sophia if the old dude shows up,

I'll put him on right after um, Matthew Devereaux.

Matthew's not entering the laugh‐off.

Uh, does Matthew know this?

Matthew know what?

Matthew, I forbid you to enter this contest.

Mom, I'm 35. Your forbidding days are over.

Now, look don't you get smart with me. I've been reading some of your material, huh.

When I was young, my mother used so much makeup,

her pillowcase looked like it had a picture of a clown on it.

Hey, you can't do that.

Thank you, Chuy.

I'm doing a pillow joke.

Where'd you get that pad?

From your room.

Those are personal.

Oh! Well, they certainly are.

Look, if you wanna go out and make a fool of yourself in public that's one thing,

but you are not gonna make me look like a fool, too.

You had no right to invade my privacy.

My point exactly. Now, Matthew, you're not doing this to me.

Maybe, I should talk to Matthew.

You think you can help?

I know I can help. I have over

a thousand Blanche slut jokes.

‐Well... ‐Yeah.

What a night, huh?

Ah, I don't think I've had this much fun in years.

You know, I can't remember when I last danced the polka.

Did you like my solo?

Oh!

I'm always impressed when somebody jumps up on a table and stands on her hands.

(softly) Thank you, sir.

Actually, that's the way we dance back in St. Olaf.

Oh?

Bill, there's something I have to tell you.

Can I tell you something first?

Well, I have been alone for seven years.

I tried dating.

I know what you mean.

Oh, yes. But... You're very different.

When I'm with you, I feel... Comfortable.

Just comfortable?

Don't underrate that.

When you're comfortable,

you allow yourself to feel wonderful things.

Like what?

Like this.

Or this.

Oh, Roland, I won't be going to the show tonight,

so there's another ticket you can sell.

You gotta go. I sold Matthew this one joke and no one will get it if they can't see you.

I mean, he's your son.

Yeah, Blanche you have to go this is a big night for the hotel.

I'm not going if Matthew's going on.

He used to be so responsible.

And then last night he told me he just wasn't happy anymore

being a stockbroker.

All I could think of is how hard his daddy worked giving him an education

so he could have some security.

And now he's just gonna throw it all away.

I think you're behaving ridiculously.

You should talk. You're the one who went out with a guy who looks like Charlie.

How would you like me to iron those wrinkles out of your face, you little snitch?

Oh, I'd love that.

Rose, you didn't.

It was no big deal. I mean, he asked me out, and we danced a little,

and... He gave me a tiny kiss.

And we laughed and cried, and I stood on my hands.

Oh, God, I think I love him.

Did you tell him about Charlie?

‐Well‐‐ ‐Oh, Rose!

Rose, how‐‐ You don't even know this man.

You just think you do, and this isn't being fair to him.

But you don't know what I'm going through.

Oh, you don't think I miss my George?

And that I missed my Sal?

Yeah, you don't think that I've dated men just because

they laughed like George or had his eyes.

And that I don't see my Sal on the faces of a thousand chimps at the monkey house.

You know, I went out with a girl in high school

for about three months and uh,

every now and again I see someone who reminds me of‐‐

Oh, come back in 40 years when you got a story to tell, will you.

(silently) Sorry!

But if I tell him he'll leave.

Well then what are you gonna do? Just burn all your pictures of Charlie.

Tell your girls not to say anything to Bill.

I know. You're right. I have to tell him.

‐But you know, you're lucky, Blanche. ‐I'm lucky?

If you want to see George,

you don't have to look any further than Matthew.

She's right.

How many times have you told us that Matthew acts like George

thinks like George, that Matthew is‐‐

Is exactly like his father.

Would you excuse me?

I think I want to talk to my son.

You know, every once in a while I remember how much I need that male voice in my life, too.

‐You want me to get Dorothy on the phone for you? ‐Would you, darling?

Matthew, may I speak to you a minute?

Don't worry. I'm not going on tonight.

Oh? Okay.

‐But, but did I ever tell you how I met your father? ‐No.

He was a barker at a carnival, putting himself through college.

Dad was a carnival barker I didn't know that.

Oh, yes. He used to sell these dice from "Paris, France."

They were just like regular dice until you held them up to the light.

I do remember him doing that. That's how you met dad?

Hell, I bought six pairs.

Then after he became a lawyer, he used to do it

at parties and charity events and then I guess he just became too successful,

and it wasn't dignified anymore for him to

put on that straw hat and do his little pitch

but Lord, how that man love to make a fool of himself.

What are you saying?

Oh, I'm saying...

Go out there and make a fool of yourself.

You'd make your father proud of you.

What about you?

I'm proud of you whatever you do.

(softly) Ohh... Mom.

Oh, I was waiting for you.

No, sit down, Bill.

I have something to show you.

Mm‐hmm.

Ah...

A picture of you and... and me? Sitting on a cow.

No, that's me... with my late husband Charlie.

Wow.

It certainly explains your instant attraction to me.

Well, I wanted to tell you right away, but‐‐

But you wanted to extend the fantasy a little longer.

‐Don't be angry. Please. ‐Oh, no, no, I'm not.

But let's be honest...

Would you ever be able to, to look at me

without thinking about Charlie?

Well, maybe not right at first, but after a little while.

You would never be able to know how you really felt about me.

I don't think it's going to work.

I'm so sorry. I'll leave.

Oh, no, no, I don't want you to leave.

Oh, I don't think I could stand that again.

You see, when Charlie died, it all happened so fast

I never got a chance to say goodbye.

And now you're just gonna walk out on me, too?

If you could say goodbye to Charlie right now,

What would you say?

What would I say?

What would you say to Charlie?

Charlie...

The 30 years that we spent together...

Seemed... Like a day.

When you died... Part of me died, too.

I love you.

And I miss you.

Goodbye, Rose.

Thank you, Bill.

How you feeling, kiddo?

Not so good.

Hey, remember my friend the comic

I told you about? Well, he's here.

That's nice.

Why don't you come with me and meet him.

I'm telling you, the guy's a hoot.

Sophia, I really don't feel like hooting right now.

Come on. It'll do you some good. Come on!

Rose, I'd like you to meet this friend of mine.

He used to be Williams of Brown or Williams

or Brown of Williams and Brown or

Brown of Brown and Brown or maybe just Williams.

You're‐‐ you're wrong, My name is Sam Newman.

He's George Burns, what is he ashamed of?

Rose, Sophia told me to cheer you up.

So I will.

Here's a cigar.

Oh, I don't smoke.

Okay, that didn't get a laugh.

Um... I'll tell you a joke.

Um... Have you heard this one?

I don't think so.

I haven't told it yet.

Ooh!

Teacher said to a kid in school, "What does your father do?" He says, "My father's a doctor."

He said to the other kid, "What does your father do?" He says, "My father's a lawyer."

He said to a third kid, "What does your father do?" He says, "My father's dead."

He says, "What did he do before he died?" He says, "He went, ooh!"

(laughing)

"Here's a cigar."

All right, Mr. Burns, whenever you're ready.

Ready? I've been ready for 97 years.

Ready! Let's take a walk.

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. and now for my last song,

I'm gonna sing this song that's gonna make Rose happy.

Morty, in Sam Newman's key.

(piano playing)

♪ I love to call you Rose, dear ♪

♪ But roses fade away ♪

♪ Roses die when Wintertime appears ♪

♪ And I love to Call you daisy ♪

♪ But daisies always tell ♪

♪ What sweethearts like To whisper in your ear ♪

♪ I'd love To call you honey ♪

♪ But honey runs away ♪

♪ I much prefer a name Like clinging vine ♪

♪ And if I called you Buttercup ♪

♪ The dandelions Would eat you up ♪

♪ So I'll buy a ring ♪

♪ And change your name ♪

♪ And change your name ♪

♪ And buy a ring ♪

♪ Oh, I'll change it, And I'll buy it ♪

♪ And I'll buy it And I'll change it ♪

♪ I'll buy a ring and Change your name to mine ♪

♪ Pom pom

(applause and cheers)

Did you like that, Rosie?

Oh, I sure did, Sam.

My name isn't Sam.

It's Williams of Brown and Williams.

Oh!

George Burns! George Burns. All right!

Mr. George Burns. And now...

The comedy stylings

of Mr. Corney Castillos.

'Scuse me.