Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you for bein' A friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you for bein' A friend ♪

♪ Thank you for bein' A friend ♪

♪ Thank you for bein' A friend ♪

♪ Thank you for bein' A friend ♪

A dead fish!

Oh, my God! A Sicilian sign there's been a hit.

More fish! It's a bloodbath!

A pox on you! A pox, I say!

Oh, yeah, I ordered this.

‐Hey, who ordered the fish? ‐I did.

Sophia, you know all dinner orders go through me.

Oh, they go through me, too, like a locomotive.

Hey, listen, now that we know this much about each other,

I need a favor. I have to borrow your car.

(laughs)

You just told me the food goes right through you.

Why would I lend you my car?

Ah, come on. I want to go downtown, get my feet scraped.

Maybe get a yogurt. You know, live.

Can't do it. You're an old lady. You'll leave the blinker on all the time.

‐Ah, a pox on you. ‐What?

A pox on you! It's my new thing. Isn't it a giggle?

Yes, it is. It's a giggle.

(chuckles) A pox on you.

Hey, tell it to all your friends... On the bus.

Oh. How about a ride downtown, Blanche?

Mama needs a new pair of feet.

No, Sophia, you know I have this sweet‐16 party to plan.

It's our banker's daughter.

And I want it to go off without a hitch.

So lend me your car.

Honey, you're too old to drive.

I know what this is about.

This is about the ding I put in your car the last time I borrowed it.

Ding? The paramedics had to get you out of there with the jaws of life.

Hey, they screwed up your door, not me.

‐I'm sorry. The answer's no. ‐I smite you.

I smite you with the strength of a thousand suns.

What?

Uh... A pox on you.

Oh, you're cursing me. Oh, I get you.

Boy, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Blanche, where are all the pens?

Oh, I threw them out.

I ordered personalized ones that say,

"Compliments of the Golden Palace."

I thought it was classier.

Blanche, I don't know why are you wasting your time with pens?

I mean, we've got this sweet‐16 coming up for our banker's daughter,

and he holds the note on this hotel.

Now if this party fails, the onus is on all of us.

(laughs)

Wait. What did you just say?

Onus.

Oh. Never mind.

You're eating another sandwich?

I haven't been eating that much.

As per your orders, Blanche, I'm keeping the meatball subs coming.

Oh.

All right, I'm eating. Well, I'm frustrated.

That's what I'm saying. We need to talk about this.

I'm sexually frustrated.

I don't want to talk about this.

It's a fact. You know, I think I've replaced

my sex drive with a food drive.

Oh, yeah? Uh... Maybe tonight you'd like to try a little Mexican?

Chuy, are you coming on to me?

It's just a diversion. We're running low on meatballs.

That poor thing. He doesn't have a prayer,

because tonight I have a date with the most wonderful man

who's ever come into my life. His name is Ernie Niles.

Ernie... Ooh!

Tonight? But we're auditioning entertainers for the party. This is important, Blanche.

Oh, honey, I'll do it tomorrow, but I need this tonight. Please.

He's such a charming man and he's so witty and bright,

and he's really cute. Ernie... Ooh!

This is nauseating.

I can't stand here and listen to this. "He's cute."

Blanche, I've never met a cute man. Men are not cute.

If you want cute, you date Winnie the Pooh.

Winnie... Ooh!

Well, Blanche still isn't here. I can't believe her.

She knows about these auditions.

Well, we'll just start without her.

Mr. Seigel.

All right, Mr. Seigel,

it says you're an entertainer. What do you do?

(loudly) I'm a mime!

Are you perhaps an escaped mime?

Anytime you're ready, Mr. Seigel.

And now...

A man trapped in a box.

A mime who uses props. That's unusual.

(muffled) I'm trapped in a box!

I had a mime at my 16th birthday party back in St. Olaf.

Well, he wasn't actually a mime.

It was a neighbor boy who'd been struck by lightning.

Uh, Mr. Seigel, if you don't mind me asking,

what made you want to become a mime?

Siegel: I like to see the smiles on people's faces.

Are you smiling?

Hey, Chuy.

Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling are coming to Miami.

Wanna drive me down for tickets?

(chuckles)

Eh, just like in junior high, man.

Some white kid would buddy up to me

'cause I was the only 12‐year‐old with a car. (chuckles)

Uh, at least I knew how to get one.

‐(laughs) ‐(telephone ringing)

I'm sorry, kid. I can't go.

Could you lend me some cab fare?

No, Oliver. I'm not giving you money for a cab.

Thanks a lot.

No, this isn't Roland Wilson.

What's my name?

Hey, man, who is it?

Yeah, man. Who is this?

Uh‐oh, it's a guy from the government.

(clears throat)

(changes tone) The name's Bob.

Bob Clark. (chuckles)

With a B.

As in "born here."

Eh, white man. (chuckles)

...albino.

Yeah, I'm just a whitey name Bob.

(laughs)

B‐O‐B. Bob‐o, Bob‐o. (chuckles)

Give me the phone, Bob.

Hey, man, I'm telling you, white it up.

Hello. This is Roland. Can I help you?

It's a guy from the department of social services.

They're checking up on Oliver.

Oh.

(Anglo accent) Hey there, hi there, ho there.

Yeah, could you speak up I can hardly hear you

over The Pat Boone in the background

Hey, good white guy, man.

Oh.

Oh, she is?

Okay, that's great news. Uh, thank you.

What's up?

Uh, that was about Oliver's mom.

Apparently, she's out of rehab,

and the court feels she's ready to take Oliver back.

Hey, that's great. That's what you always wanted for Oliver.

Yeah, I know. So why do I feel so lousy?

Hey, come on, man.

This was always a temporary arrangement, you knew that.

Hey, come on, let's go tell the ladies and Oliver.

No. I don't want to say anything. I don't want to get his hopes up, okay.

Let's not say a word about this until his mother actually shows up.

Oh, come on, man, who are you kidding?

The women aren't stupid. They're gonna take one look at you, and know you're hiding something.

Well, then we're just gonna have to act natural,

like there's nothing wrong.

(whistling Yankee Doodle)

Wait a minute. What is this?

(stops whistling)

Oh, yeah, Yankee Doodle.

(whistling continues )

Oh, girls!

Where have you been?

Oh, girls, you're not gonna believe this. I think I'm in love.

Excuse me?

Oh, that means she's slept with someone.

No, no, no. I mean, I mean, what did you say? Did you just call us "girls"?

Uh, no, I didn't.

Yes, you did. You called me a girl, Blanche.

I'm not a girl.

You don't live with girls anymore.

Look, I don't like blueberries in my bagels.

I don't like uh, cinnamon in my coffee.

I don't enjoy baskets full of bath gels,

and I don't want to hear about your stupid personal life. Excuse me.

Oh, Rose. For the first time in my life, I had the big "O."

Say what?

The first time in your life, ever?

Yeah. I thought I'd had it before, but I was wrong.

Oh, boy, was I wrong.

Wait a minute. I mean, not that I care,

but how is it possible, after all your bragging,

that this is your first time?

I don't understand it either. I think maybe it's because...

Well, you see, I've always thought of myself as sort of a white Tina Turner.

Really? In what way?

Her skin is lighter.

See, for instance, you'd be more like a black Tina Turner.

Uh, and I guess I could say you'd be like a dumb Tina turner.

Well, you wouldn't be the first.

Well, anyway, I'm seeing him again tonight.

Toni‐‐ Blanche, the party is in two days.

Now we've been handling your auditions,

but the printers called twice

about approving the copy on those hotel pens.

You made another date?

I'll get my chores done, but I have to do this.

Oh, please. I have to do this tonight.

I need this.

I need this.

(deep voice) I need this.

Okay, that time I was just practicing. (chuckles)

Hey, Roland. Boy, that Oliver is something, man.

He's on me again to take him to a wrestling match.

This time he wants to see something called Mud Wrestling Mamas.

Can you imagine?

No. I think that's totally inappropriate.

That's exactly what I said. It's totally inappropriate.

Good.

Totally inappropriate. And I'm out 50 bucks.

She's gone. Blanche is gone again.

The minute a man comes along, Blanche can't work anymore.

Well, I don't know a lot about Blanche's personal life,

but so what if she likes to date, Rose?

I used to think that till this Ernie came along.

This is the hump that broke the camel's back.

I think that's the straw that broke the camel's back.

Boy, you don't know much about her personal life, do you?

Rose, I still think you're overreacting to this.

Well, that's not all.

Remember those pens she ordered and she was too busy to check?

Well, they came.

Rose. Oh, my pens got here. Oh, good.

Now, Rose, isn't it classier to say,

"Pen is compliments from us to you"?

Oh, real classy, except they left out the space between "pen" and "is."

(gasps)

Ah!

What a funny little typo.

Oh, it... It's more than a funny little typo.

There are 32 guests in the hotel who have pens on their dresser that say,

"Penis compliments from us to you."

(chuckles)

From us to them, Blanche?

(chuckles) You see, it's supposed to say, "pen is."

I know it's supposed to say "pen is."

We got 10 gross of these things.

And we're gonna have to collect them all and you're gonna have to call the printer.

Oh, no, honey, I can't. I have a lunch date with Ernie... Ooh!

Roland: Lunch?

Blanche, we have a sweet‐16 party tonight.

Now that banker's carried us for over three months.

You've got a responsibility here. I can't believe this.

You're just throwing this away for some guy.

He's not just some guy. He's special.

Blanche, I've seen him in the pool in his speedo. He's not that special.

Oh, I get it. This is your idea.

You're just jealous 'cause I'm dating someone right now.

I'm not jealous, Blanche. But we have an important event coming up

and you're just choosing the first man who comes along.

The fact is, this man makes me happy.

And as my friend, that should make you happy too.

I'm talking to you as your partner, not as your friend.

You got that right. As far as I'm concerned, you're not my friend.

Well, that's just fine with me.

Roland, I'm checking out now. I'll be back on Wednesday.

Okay, I just need your signature.

What is this, some sort of come‐on?

What? Oh.

No. That's a... funny little typo.

Here you go.

‐My car will be washed when I return? ‐Yes. Just leave us the keys.

Oh, I already left them.

You did? With whom?

The little old lady.

The little old lady?

♪ Get your motor runnin'

♪ Head up on the highway

♪ Lookin' for adventure

♪ And whatever comes our way

Oliver: Boy, this car's got a good radio.

Sophia: Oh, thank God. You hear it, too?

♪ Born to be wild

Oliver: You sure you know how to drive?

Sophia: Oh, so now you think I'm too old?

‐No, no, no. It's just that‐‐ ‐What?

Well, you spent so much time looking for the crank.

Aw, that was just shtick.

So, what do you want to do?

Hey, I'm doing this for you.

I want you to be free, I want you to see the highway,

touch the city, smell the land.

Are we ever going to turn left?

Any news of Sophia and Oliver?

I just called the cops. Nothing.

Hey, you guys got nothing to worry about.

Yeah, when I was a kid in east LA,

we used to go joyriding all the time. (chuckles)

I remember we'd get a bunch of guys in the car, we go down to Tijuana, man we would‐‐

Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea if you got the number of a good bail bondsman.

I just called the boys' club and the seniors center.

They're not there.

Oh, I just feel so awful.

I was so insensitive to Sophia.

Now she's gone.

I know. I feel horrible.

I was insensitive to you, too, wasn't I?

I'm sorry, Rose.

Oh, I forgive you, Blanche.

And I forgive you, Rose, and Roland, I forgive you.

Yippy skippy.

I guess maybe, I was having trouble balancing my work

and my time with Ernie... Ooh!

But, girls, I think I've come up with the perfect solution.

All right, that's it.

But you haven't heard what it is yet.

No, you called me a girl again.

‐No, she didn't. ‐Yes, she did.

I think I know when I'm being called a girl and I want it to stop, okay, Blanche.

I'm not a girl, right?

Whatever.

Anyway, I'm having Ernie stay here at the hotel.

That way, I can be here for the party and have my getaway weekend with Ernie... Ooh!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to slip into something

that will make me look my best.

May I suggest a time machine?

‐Hello? ‐Yes, can I help you?

Hi, Roland? I'm Paula Webb, Oliver's mother.

Oh, you're Oliver's mother.

It's nice to meet you. This is Chuy.

‐Hi, I'm Chuy. ‐Hi.

I've, uh, heard a lot about you. I'm glad that you're, you know, doing better.

I'm doing great. I was lucky to find such a good hospital

and I got to say I was lucky that Oliver found you.

He's written to me all about you.

Oh, well, we're really close.

‐So is Chuy. ‐(chuckles)

So, where is he now?

‐Where's who? ‐Oliver.

Oh, where's‐‐ where's Oliver?

I thought you meant where's Chuy.

Me, too. I thought you meant where's Chuy.

(both laughing)

Well, where is he?

‐He's right there. ‐(laughs)

Hi, I'm Chuy. Nice to meet you.

You know, I wanted to surprise him that's why I came in the back door.

Oh, you wanted to surprise him.

She wanted to surprise you.

Ohh! Uhh!

Don't do that.

Boy, I see why Oliver likes it here so much.

‐Yeah. ‐So, really, where is he?

Well. actually right now, he's out with one of his foster grandmas.

Okay, I'll come back later.

(both whispering)

His grandmother‐‐ I mean, she's okay, isn't she?

Oh, yes, and we feel that she's a really strong role model for the child.

And by spending time together,

she's showing the boy a real healthy respect for authority.

officer: Ma'am, do you have any idea how slow you were going?

Sophia: Ah, bite me.

So you finally decided to join us.

Well, we have a lot of setting up to do.

I'm sorry, Rose, but you'll just have to deal with it.

Ernie got us tickets to an evening cruise and I just can't refuse.

Now, hold it, Blanche.

You're the one who brought this party here

and now you're dumping it on us.

‐Well, you know what I think? ‐Yes, I do.

You think I run after the first man that comes along,

but I don't care what you think. You can't stop me.

I'm not stopping you. I'm telling you not to come back.

Not come back?

This isn't about Ernie.

You're running away from this hotel.

You can't handle the responsibility.

‐You're scared. ‐She's right.

Oh, yeah? Well, I don't care what you think.

And hey, maybe I just won't come back 'cause I don't need you.

I don't need anyone. I don't need anything.

(telephone ringing)

Golden Palace.

Remember, kid, we're in this together.

You better believe it.

Uh, excuse me, folks.

These people tell me they belong to you.

Sophia!

Oliver. Where have you two been?

Kidnapped. The boy kidnapped me. It was a nightmare.

Normally, I'd take them downtown,

but they asked to be placed in your custody

‐with their ages and all... ‐Their ages?

I'm a child. I was scared. I almost peed.

I'm 100. I am scared. I am peeing.

You know, if you'd take better care of these two,

they might not run away.

Oh, I'm going to take care of them.

Now listen, I don't want to know whose idea it was‐‐

‐It was hers. ‐It was his.

It doesn't matter whose idea it was.

From now on, if you want to go somewhere,

you ask one of us and we'll take you.

And you gotta promise, no more joyriding.

‐both: We promise. ‐Thank you.

‐Am I grounded ‐No.

Just the ringleader.

Hey, look who's back. Did you tell him the good news yet?

No, no tonight, man. I'll tell him tonight.

Oh, okay.

Well, I learned my lesson.

Yeah, me, too.

Excuse me, is anyone on duty?

I got my motorcycle and sidecar out in the front

I need to park it.

We can do that for you.

Hi.

‐Hi. ‐I'm back.

I can see that. I thought you were going on a cruise.

Well, it just didn't work out with Ernie.

It was something he said.

Oh, did he say you were irresponsible?

No, Rose. What he said was‐‐

Your hair. He made fun of your hair.

No!

No, I told him about the fight we'd had,

and he said for me not to worry about it. That he'd take care of me.

So?

So, I realized I was doing exactly what you said I was,

running away and looking for some man to care of me.

(exhales)

Rose, I don't know. Maybe I was scared.

Maybe... Maybe I can't handle responsibility,

But I realized this hotel is my chance to finally

make something of myself without depending on some man,

and I sure would like to try,

that is, if you'll forgive me.

Oh, come here.

‐Oh! ‐(laughs)

Blanche: Oh, Rose.

It is so good to be back with you all.

Blanche: Hey, where's Oliver?

‐Oh, honey, Oliver's gone. ‐Gone?

His mother came back. She's doing great.

He was so excited to see her.

That's wonderful.

Yeah, isn't it great?

Yes. He must be so happy. Of course, after‐‐

Um, are you okay, Roland?

Yeah, I'm okay. I'm just, uh...

gonna miss Oliver, that's all.

Well, yeah, we all are.

But I bet he'll come back and visit.

Hey, how about me? I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Oh, yeah, he left you all a note.

‐Let's see. ‐(paper rustling)

Aw. (chuckles)

"I never knew grandmas could be so much fun.

I love you guys. I'll miss you guys‐‐ Oliver.

P.S. Tell Sophia thanks for the ride."

You know what? In a way I'm glad I took him out for one last free ride.

It was an adventure that taught us more about love and sharing and trust

than all the schooling in the world.

You're still grounded, Sophia.

Aw, bite this.

What do you say?

We get up real early and clean this place up. I'm beat.

‐Oh, yeah. I'm for that. ‐Yeah, me too.

Uh‐huh.

Mm‐hmm.

‐Roland: Night, Blanche. ‐Good night, Roland.

Good night, rose.

Mr. Seigel: Good night!

Are you smiling?