Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down a road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

Oh, man.

(coughs)

Oh, God.

(coughs)

Ah, chihuahua.

Sophia, what does this look like to you?

George Hamilton in five years.

No, Sophia. I think you overcooked this.

‐No, I didn't. ‐Oh, really?

Have you ever seen a duck

this black and smoky?

I have. Daffy.

But only after Bugs Bunny gives him a dynamite cigar.

Why doesn't that duck ever learn?

He can't, Rose. He doesn't have a brain.

Sound familiar?

Oh, I'm the dumb one?

You're the one who's overcooked three meals today.

In fact, if we had a stupid‐person race,

I think you'd come in first.

I'm sorry. Maybe the oven is broken.

Oh, it is.

Didn't you get the note I left inside the oven?

And at the wire, it's Rose by a nose.

I'm sorry, Chuy, but things have been a little tight lately.

We've been putting off some of the repairs.

I have to have an oven. I explained that to Blanche.

She said she'd call the repairman.

You had Blanche call the oven repairman?

Why is that so bad?

Well, she's been seeing him for a year.

The only thing he ever services out here is her.

Before him, it was the Maytag guy.

And believe me, he doesn't look like that because he's lonely.

He's exhausted.

Rose, I don't know whether you want it or not,

but there's another message.

Miles again.

Yep. Third time he's called today.

He says he really has to talk to you.

I bet that woman he's been seeing dumped him.

I bet she broke his heart and reduced him to a pile of groveling rubble...

wiping out every last ounce of his self‐esteem.

(laughs)

Why do you suppose Miles keeps calling?

My guess is he wants to get back together.

But you're not considering it?

Oh, I don't know. I'm so confused.

I want to make an intelligent decision.

(laughs)

Half of me misses him terribly,

half of me wants to get on with my life.

And the other half of me...

wants to take an ax

and hitchhike around the Midwest

looking for guys who look like Miles.

Okay, let the evil Rose go to sleep.

I want to talk to the good Rose now.

Coming up.

Honey, now, I know this is difficult for you,

but Miles hurt you,

and he's just going to hurt you again unless you're strong.

Darn it, you're right.

I mean, I should stop letting Miles

come and go as he pleases...

but what should I do?

I'll tell you what you're going to do.

You're going to go out there and start dating again.

Maybe you're right. I should meet some new men.

‐There you go. ‐I mean, I don't need Miles in my life.

Tell it, sister.

I get along just fine without him.

Now you're talking!

Can I sleep in your room tonight?

Well, it's going to be a little crowded...

but what the hell? It is a great place to meet men.

You're not finished going over the books yet?

No. There's $300 I can't account for

and it's driving me crazy.

Oh, well, just do what I do when my checkbook won't balance.

Just take the $300 and put it in the whoopsie column.

Huh? There must be something wrong with this ledger.

I‐I can't find any whoopsie column.

What the...

Now, don't get sarcastic.

I learned that system

from a guy who owned a savings and loan.

It's perfectly legal.

Look, this is more than whoopsie money, Blanche.

There's a pattern going on here.

I think somebody's stealing.

Oh? Oh. Well, then...

then the thief has to be caught.

I will not allow thievery in my hotel.

Oh, whoever this guttersnipe is,

I'll snatch him.

You'd be surprised how good I am

at getting people to expose themselves.

Okay, well, look, I hope I'm wrong about this,

but until we're sure, let's just watch what we spend,

and we don't want to arouse any unnecessary suspicion,

so, whatever you do, don't tell anybody we got money problems.

My lips are sealed.

Rose, we've got money problems.

You're telling me?

We lost another duck this morning.

No, I mean, there's money missing from this hotel.

Now, we can't afford something like this.

Not with profits being as low as they have been, lately.

Oh, God, what do we do?

Well, we have to do whatever we have to do

‐to get more business. ‐Oh, yeah.

Did you enjoy your stay at the Golden Palace?

‐Well, actually, no. ‐No?

You see, I came down here to visit my aunt Edna in the hospital.

She's the only family I have left,

and the doctor says it doesn't look very good.

(sobbing) When she's gone, I'll be all alone.

Well, when you come back for the funeral,

I hope you think of us.

Blanche, I can't believe you.

Well, I'm sorry, but if we keep losing money like this,

we'll all be out walking the streets.

Well, at least you'll have a job.

Excuse me.

Now, you leave my personal life out of this, you nitwit.

Don't you take your frustrations out on me, you...

cheap...scallop.

The word is trollop, you moron.

I am a cheap trollop.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for a friendly, relaxed place to hold my wedding.

‐You certainly came to the right place. ‐Oh, welcome.

‐We're wedding specialists. ‐Oh.

For the right price, we can do anything.

I can give you ice sculptures,

champagne fountains, a string quartet.

We're getting married in two days.

Crepe paper and pudding pops. Take it or leave it.

I was hoping for something

with a little more romance and class.

I have a great idea for a theme,

If you don't mind tradition.

I call it "contentment isn't just for cows."

This is your idea of tradition?

It's a St. Olaf tradition.

Rose, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

‐I love it. ‐It's perfect.

I was raised in the country.

This sounds like a lot of fun.

What do you envision?

It's a little daring,

but I see the groom in black

and the bride in white.

You know, classic Holstein colors.

Oh, no. Not the cow wedding again, Rose.

Let me write you a check.

It's perfect.

(dings)

There's another $200 missing.

Another 200? Did you check?

Yeah. I even checked the whoopsie column.

Okay, that's it. No more stalling.

We got to find out who that thief is.

It's somebody at this hotel, somebody who works here.

They're probably doing something

to throw us off the track.

I tell you, whoever it is is just playing dumb.

(dings)

May I help you?

(dings)

May I help you?

Darn those kids.

Nobody could be that stupid.

Got to be an act.

Let's go nail her.

Rose, wait a minute.

Let's talk about this money you took.

Oh, no.

Oh, I knew I'd get caught eventually.

Thank goodness it's out in the open.

I don't have to hide anymore.

How did Yurgin find me?

Yurgin who?

Yurgin Shtultvinbrudengurder.

The boy I took the nickel from in the third grade.

He was the class magician

and he was doing this trick on me.

You know, where you put a nickel in one ear

and pull it out the other?

Well, somehow the nickel got lost between my ears.

You know, I've never been able to get that nickel off my mind.

Poor Yurgin. He wanted so much to be a magician.

I ruined his life.

We know how he feels, Rose.

Well, at least now I know it's not her. Who's next?

Well, how about Sophia?

Sophia? Don't be ridiculous.

She would never steal from us.

Sophia's been like a mother to me

for these last eight years.

I wouldn't dream of accusing her.

All right, you little witch, where's the money?

What money? I don't know what you're talking about.

Stop stalling. Don't make me get rough.

I'm not talking, screw.

And, by the way, that's a nickname, not a suggestion.

Listen, Sophia, there's $500 missing from this hotel,

and you had access to that money.

That's right, and somebody had to take it.

So, you assume it was me?

I'm the most honest person here.

I've never done a dishonest thing in my life.

Oh, yeah? Would you take a lie detector test?

Ah, you can beat those things.

Okay, Sophia, you don't want to talk.

Perhaps you'd prefer to listen

to one of Rose's St. Olaf stories!

Please, Blanche, I told you,

I didn't take the money.

Okay, Rose, give her the Uncle Herky story

and don't hold back on the talking chickens.

Blanche, there are no talking chickens

in the Uncle Herky story.

Yeah, that's right. There's no talking chickens.

There's ticktocking chickens.

Little poultry time bombs,

every one of them.

Emotional messes.

They roamed through the countryside‐‐

Stop it, Blanche! Stop it! Stop it!

Oh‐ho! I knew it was you all along!

It's not me.

I just wanted to hear the Uncle Herky story from Rose.

It sounds pretty cool.

Thanks for the diversion, Chuy.

It's good to know that I have at least one friend who will stick up for me.

Besides, it's obvious who took the money.

Or should I say... dinero?

Chuy: What?

What is she talking about?

Why would I take the money?

Oh, Chuy, let's face it.

You're the most likely suspect.

You know, this isn't the first time

I've been on the receiving end of prejudice.

I know I look different.

People like you take one look at a guy like me

and just jump to conclusions.

Boy, short guys are so insecure.

So, I've made a decision.

I'm getting back together again with Miles.

What?

Oh, don't try to talk me out of it.

I've given this a lot of thought.

I'm going to make him suffer a little bit...

I'm going to make him plead with me...

but I'm going to give in.

But, why, honey? You were doing so well on your own.

Oh, Blanche, I'm not doing that well.

It took me ten years to get over Charlie,

and I don't have that kind of time again.

I mean, maybe I am giving in,

maybe I'm settling...

but at my age, I can't afford to be proud.

Ah, but, Rose‐‐

Well, what can I tell you?

I still call him up in the middle of the night

just to hear the cute things he says...

(sighs) "Don't you know what time it is?"

"This happens again, I'm calling the police."

"Who the hell is this?"

And then, before I hang up, I always say...

"You blew it big time, smart boy."

And he doesn't recognize your voice?

No. I talk to him through a kazoo.

And after the kiss, you and your new husband...

will head back up the aisle,

your bridesmaids will moo...

and that will be that.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's the wedding I never had.

My husband Charlie wouldn't allow me

to have a dairy theme at ours.

‐He was... ‐Proud?

Lactose intolerant.

Well, I hope you get your wish someday.

Who knows? Maybe I will.

I'm having my old boyfriend over today.

He wants me back.

I'm sure you're going to make him very happy.

I'm going to make him crawl.

Boy, I'm glad I'm out of the dating scene.

My man problems are over forever.

‐Oh. ‐Fern?

(both) Miles.

You know him?

Oh, yes. This is the man I'm getting back together with.

Do you know him?

This is the man I'm going to marry.

This is the man who's my secret lover.

Just pointing out that things could get worse.

This is the man you're going to marry? Miles?

My Miles?

You were planning on getting back together again with this woman?

No, I just came down here to talk to Rose.

You came down here to cheat on Fern.

No, I'm not cheating on Fern.

So, would you like to explain why you showed up here

to beg me to take you back?

Rose, I'm here to tell you I am getting married.

Ha! You call that begging?

This is horrible. Rose, I'm sorry.

Roland: So, wait a minute.

Miles, you didn't know that Fern was planning on

having the wedding here?

No, I had no idea.

I didn't tell you because I wanted to surprise you

with the cow theme.

(chuckles)

We're‐‐ we're having a cow theme?

I know.

Isn't that, like, the craziest thing

you've ever heard of?

I've heard of it, but I never dreamed

I'd be lucky enough to have one.

So, whose idea do you think it was?

How many times have you and I talked about this very thing?

Look, Rose, sweetheart‐‐

Don't sweetheart me.

This was supposed to be our day...

our wedding, our life.

Well, you blew it big time, smart boy.

Oh, my god. She's the kazoo woman!

You're up late.

(scoffs) What choice do I have?

I have to go through all my cookbooks

just to find a clue as to what a cow wedding might be.

It's not like there's a lot written about it, you know.

So, what are you going to make?

I don't know. What do cows eat?

Grass.

Hey, there's an idea.

You know, I could bake

some of those brownies I used to make in the '60s.

Never mind.

Can't sleep, Sophia?

No. I'm still upset about that inquisition

Blanche put me through.

Stealing. She accused me of stealing.

That's my purse, Sophia.

Well, Rose, there you are.

Listen, I can't sleep because of this wedding.

You know, the business is not that important.

If you don't want to have the wedding here,

‐let's call it off. ‐No, it's okay.

I mean, we need the business.

I just feel so stupid thinking Miles was coming here to apologize.

You're doing the right thing, Rose.

You should always place your business first.

In fact, I have a little story about that.

‐Really? ‐Picture it...

an old Italian lady tells a story

to two other old ladies and a cook.

No. That's what's going on here.

I got to go further back.

Never mind, Sophia. I'll work it out myself.

Where's she going?

I got it. I got it.

Picture it...

the time when dinosaurs ruled the earth.

Oh, great. Now she's going to tell us

one of her high school stories.

Rose, can I talk to you for a second?

I'm pretty busy right now, Miles.

Can't this wait till after you're married

to someone other than me?

(sighs) Look, Rose, I know how awkward this has been for you,

but you have to believe me, Rose.

I had no intention of hurting you.

I'm a professional, Miles.

I would never let my personal feelings for you

keep me from planning the best wedding I can.

Well, I'm glad to hear that, Rose.

Hey, what are these stones for?

I thought we'd throw them instead of rice.

Ah...

No, Rose, this is not right.

I can't get married here.

No, damn it, you can't do this to me.

You have to get married here.

Miles, don't you understand?

It's‐‐ it's not the business,

It's not the money, it's me.

I have to see you get married.

I need to know that our relationship is over.

I want to get on with my life, too.

I understand.

Aha!

(laughs)

Caught you with your pants down.

It's not exactly like being first man on the moon.

I can't believe this, Blanche. You're the embezzler.

I'm not embezzling. I'm just taking some money.

Yeah, and Mickey Rooney's not short,

he's just a couple of blocks away.

You want to tell me what you're doing?

It so happens I'm taking this money to hire a detective

to catch the embezzler.

It's you, Blanche. Taking the money is taking the money.

‐(sighs) ‐You're embezzling.

No. This is for business expenses.

Did you put a receipt in the cash drawer?

Why would I put a receipt in the cash drawer? It's my money.

Blanche, the cash drawer is not your cookie jar.

That's the business' money. What you're doing is embezzling.

Whoopsie!

Silly me. I do this all the time.

I guess we don't need to hire a detective, after all.

Wait a minute. That's it?

You stir up all these accusations and mistrust,

and now you're just going to walk away?

‐You are right. I owe you all more than that. ‐Thank you.

I'm going to buy a new dress

to look pretty for you.

Fern, what's wrong? Everyone's waiting.

I don't think I can do this.

I'm sorry, Rose, it's a beautiful wedding,

but I just can't go through with it.

‐Why not? ‐It's Miles.

I looked out there and I saw him standing with the Minister

and I panicked.

Maybe I'm making a huge mistake.

Well, you are, if you don't want to walk down that aisle.

Oh...

Miles Webber is one of the finest men I've ever met in my entire life.

He's kind and sweet and giving and funny.

And he loves you very much.

You're a lucky woman, Fern, don't throw that away.

You're a beautiful person, Rose.

Why would Miles pick me over you?

Well, I guess, he'd rather have someone to look at than talk to.

Now, come on, you get in there.

I don't want to see you again until you're...

Mrs. Miles Webber.

Oh!

(exhales)

(altar music playing)

Well, the oven repairman's leaving.

Boy, it's not easy getting him out here on the weekends.

Oh, I should have asked him to take a look at the oven

while he was here.

How's the wedding going?

Fine.

Are you okay?

You're doing the right thing, honey.

I want you to know that.

Oh, I know.

I'm happy. Really. I am.

Are you sure?

You know me. I always cry at weddings.

Look, I can't figure this out.

I just checked the book again and there's still $100 missing.

Well, it wasn't me this time.

Now, you keep looking for that.

If we don't find it, heads will roll.

Man, I got to get lucky.

I...