Original subtitles

♪ Ooh‐ooh‐ooh

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Travel down the road And back again ♪

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal And a confidante ♪

♪ And if you threw A party ♪

♪ Invited everyone You knew ♪

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift Would be from me ♪

♪ And the card attached Would say ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

♪ Thank you For bein' a friend ♪

(telephone ringing)

Well, I think we've outdone ourselves.

This is shaping up to be the best Christmas ever.

What do you say, Sophia?

Christmas, shmistmas.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I'm just proud with these teeth, I can still say it.

I just think it's wonderful that because of this hotel,

we're able to open ourselves up to strangers in the spirit of love.

Yeah, it'll save you travel time from one hotel to another.

Chuy, you've been out in that kitchen all day.

What delicious surprise have you prepared for tonight's Christmas dinner?

Enchiladas Rancheras.

Oh, Chuy, it's Christmas Eve. You're gonna have to do better than that.

Hey, if you think I'm gonna stay in that kitchen

roasting my chestnuts anymore, you're crazy.

Actually, Christmas isn't exactly my favorite time of year.

Yeah. Christmas, shmistmas.

Hey, that's pretty good with those teeth.

Not really. The uppers just swiped.

I'll tell you why I don't love Christmas.

I got drafted on Christmas, I got divorced on Christmas,

but there's one thing that's worse than any of those...

El queque navidad de los Castillos.

‐What's that? ‐"The Castillos walking Christmas cake."

It ruined Christmas for me forever.

It was this promotional idea my dad came up with

to get people into the restaurant on Christmas.

I had to dress up as a layer cake and walk amongst the customers.

Then I had this big headdress made out of whipped cream and spoons and

people would pick bites off me.

I felt like Tippi Hedren in The Birds.

Boy, whatever happened to normal Christmas traditions?

I know. That reminds me,

I have to melt cheese on my pillow,

or Santa won't fill my stocking with stew.

No. No, I understand.

Oh, it'll be my pleasure to help out. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

Okay, yeah. You're very welcome. Bye‐bye.

Who was that?

It's a guy I know down at the children's hospital.

Yeah, they want me to play Santa Claus for the kids tomorrow.

‐Ah. ‐Their original Santa fell through.

Oh, Roland,

this is quite an honor.

I hope you've had the necessary training.

It's no big deal, Rose. I'm just gonna put on a red suit

and go down there and pass out some gifts.

Oh, no, you're not, buster!

What?

The real Santa doesn't go through the motions.

If you're going to do this, you're going to do it right.

‐Now, let's see your belly. ‐(Roland chuckles)

‐I beg your pardon? ‐Your belly, mister!

I hope you can make it shake

like a bowl full of jelly.

Show him, Blanche.

Rose, I do 150 sit‐ups every night

to get my stomach to look like this.

Oh, great, a taut Santa.

Oh, we have a lot of work to do, my friend.

That's not much of a beard. I hope you can come up with

some really good facial hair by tomorrow.

Show him, Sophia.

All right, let's try this again.

‐Rose, we got a lot of work to do. ‐Roland!

Next.

‐Hewwo, Santa. ‐Hel‐‐ Aah!

I'm warning you, little girl.

You pinch Santa there again,

he's going to wing your wittle neck.

All right, now ask her what she wants.

What do you want for Christmas, little girl?

I want to stay on your lap till New Year's.

Sophia!

All right. How about a sponge bath from the elves?

Get off me. Get off me, Sophia.

Jolly. Be jolly.

Get off me, you disgusting little old woman.

Ho‐ho‐ho‐ho!

You're doing much better, Roland.

Don't forget that twinkle in your eye!

‐Yes, sir, may I help you? ‐I'm Dr. Norman Charles from the Inner Strength seminars.

Oh, delighted to meet you.

We've been looking forward to your group checking in today.

Good. Then we get all this cleaned up?

‐Excuse me? ‐Get rid of all these decorations

before we check in.

The woman I spoke to on the telephone

promised me a strictly Yuletide‐free environment.

She said it would be no problem to totally ignore Christmas?

Actually, she said, "Christmas, shmistmas," which I found rather impressive.

Wait a minute, I don't understand. Who doesn't like Christmas?

This is a group of recently divorced people,

bitter over having their hopes and dreams shattered.

The basis of my whole therapy is to take people

who are traumatized over Christmas

and put them in a bland, non‐festive environment.

Yeah. But a couple of wreaths ain't gonna hurt anybody.

Perhaps we should cancel our 15 rooms.

What is a wreath, anyway?

I mean, some people say it's a symbol of hope.

I say it's a fire hazard with holly.

And that's the way it is.

Any signs of Christmas whatsoever,

and these people are gonna check out.

Well, that's just rotten.

Sophia, I hope you're satisfied.

You've just ruined Christmas for all of us.

I can't believe you'd do something so stupid and careless.

What do you have to say for yourself?

God bless us, everyone.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I'm just trying to get out of it by being cute.

Look, we're just gonna have to make the best of this, okay?

Now, we're all responsible adults. We can handle it.

♪ Deck the halls With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa‐la‐la‐la‐la La‐la‐la‐la ♪

We need to talk, Rose.

Oh, Rose isn't here!

I'm Nicodemus, Santa's number one helper‐in‐chief!

Rose, honey, we've got some bad news.

Now, there's been a terrible mix‐up.

We cannot mention Christmas in front of this group of guests we've got coming.

‐What? ‐So, of course that means the costume's got to go.

No way!

I'm gonna wear my elf costume, or I'm gonna walk around naked.

I know. I've said the same thing myself many times.

But, honey, try to understand.

They'll check out if they see or hear anything that has to do with Christmas.

Well, can't we secretly celebrate in one of our rooms?

No, no, no. Look, if they hear a Christmas carol

or laughter or merriment of any kind, they're just gonna leave.

Oh, does that mean all kinds of merriment?

Well, I made a late date with a Dickens' Caroler,

and I have great expectations.

So, we can expect to hear

"Please, sir, I want some more."

Cancel the date, Blanche.

Oh, but it's Christmas!

Oh, that's right. And we're all gonna be so disappointed

if we can't have Christmas.

Well, the tree's in the dumpster,

and I feel like a million bucks. (chuckles)

This is gonna be the best Christmas ever, huh?

No caroling, no gifts,

no dinner to clean up afterwards.

No reminders of Christmas whatsoever.

Excuse me. Didn't you forget to say, "Bah, humbug"?

So I did. Bah, humbug! (laughs)

Bah, humbug.

Chuy, every time you say "Bah, humbug," an elf cries.

Rose, the elves are crying because they're lonely little men

whose dating pool consists of reindeer and each other.

Look, I'm sorry, we just obviously have

very different ideas about Christmas.

I don't think people should go into hock up to their ears

to buy gifts for people who are just gonna

leave them and desert them anyways.

Christmas, who needs it?

Bah, humbug!

(Rose sobbing) Oh!

How can anybody be so cruel on Christmas Eve?

Let's fire him!

Christmas...

Bah, humbug.

Christmas...

(gasps)

Oh. I was having a dream.

Yeah, I was just having‐‐

(shrieks)

Chuy...

Chuy Castillos.

Who are you?

Rose? What are you doing in my bedroom?

I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

What?

Why am I wearing this goofy hat?

‐Haven't you ever had a Christmas dream before? ‐Never!

They only come to those who wait.

No, that's something else.

You're not really here. You're just something I ate at Woodstock.

Chuy Castillos...

you have neglected the spirit of Christmas

and the welfare of your fellow man.

I am going to take you back to your childhood.

Okay. But can we skip junior high?

I had zits and no friends.

Save it for the shrink.

Come with me.

Come with me.

Come with me.

Come with me.

Come with me.

My mistake.

My mistake.

My mistake.

My mistake.

Behold, the kitchen of your father's restaurant

that you left 30 years ago.

Actually, this is the kitchen of the hotel I left 30 minutes ago.

Was there an oven in your father's kitchen?

Yes.

Was there a sink in your father's kitchen?

Yes.

Then shut up and work with me on this.

Hey, it's my pop.

I never realized what a good‐looking man he was.

Hey, Pop, looking good!

He can neither see nor hear us.

Who said that?

Okay, Chuy.

‐Chuy, come out, mijo. ‐Young Chuy: No!

Chuy, all the customers are waiting for you, son.

Make them go away!

I can't do that.

They're all waiting for el queque navidad de los Castillos.

We can't have Christmas without you, mijo.

Oh, here it comes. I can't look.

Look, look.

How bad can it be?

(laughing)

I‐‐ (clears throat)

I feel stupid.

You tell him, kid.

Stupid?

The most important member of our family?

You have been given a great honor.

You are the one that gets to walk into the room with dignity,

carrying 12 generations of Castillos tradition with you,

so stand tall.

You are the chosen one.

Now come here. I got to fill up that hat.

Do you know what it's like your head filled with whipped cream?

Mmm‐hmm.

Tell me again, why am I reliving this humiliation?

Chuy Castillos, your father was trying to teach you

a valuable lesson,

but because of your embarrassment,

you didn't listen.

Now remember, Chuy,

the reason we open our restaurant on Christmas

is so that people without a loving family like ours

can have a nice, warm, friendly place to celebrate the holidays.

This is what Christmas is all about,

the joy of giving, huh?

I know that, Papa,

but why do I have to wear the costume?

Because.

You can't charge a two‐drink minimum without a floor show.

Now get out there. Come on, mijo.

I don't know about you,

but I was touched.

Okay, Ghost of Christmas Past...

Where'd she go?

Whoa! Who are you?

I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents.

The Ghost of Christmas Presents?

Don't you mean the Ghost of Christmas Present?

Honey, do I come to where you work and tell you how to flip burgers?

Listen, back off!

Besides, I've learned my Christmas lesson.

My dad wasn't such a bad guy.

But still do you know what it's like to be covered with whipped cream on Christmas?

Oh, yeah.

Now, I have come to find out what presents you bought.

‐For who? ‐For that young fellow,

and those two older ladies,

and that gorgeous young Southern girl.

I didn't get them anything. It's not like they're family.

Really? I wonder if they feel the same way about you.

Come and look.

♪ Two turtle doves

♪ And a partridge In a pear tree ♪

Okay, okay, I believe you. There is a 48‐day version.

The last time I was in a place this cold,

they were hanging up Jimmy Hoffa by his‐‐

♪ Jingle bells Jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way

Okay, okay. Can we get out of here, please?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

This is the only place we can celebrate the holiday

without upsetting the guests.

I think what we all need is some more eggnog.

You want some nutmeg sprinkled on top of that?

Can we get out of here now, please?

That's not a very nice Christmas attitude

for someone who wants to play St. Nick.

Come on, let's hear those reindeer names, buster!

Dancer, Prancer, Donner, Blitzen,

freezin', fricken', mother‐‐

Roland!

Look, we're all cold, but we can't leave until we open our presents.

Oh, no, no, no. We can't open our presents yet.

Chuy's not here. He's still in his room,

probably wrapping all our gifts.

Oops.

We can't open our presents till Chuy gets here. Now, he's part of the family.

You squirming yet?

Yeah, I'm squirming, I'm squirming.

Boy, it's cold. I'm frozen stiff.

All I can move is my mouth.

There's a no‐win situation.

I never thought I'd say this,

but this has really been

a wonderful Christmas.

‐It's brought us all closer together. ‐Yeah.

I mean, we may not have the trimmings,

but we've got each other.

That's really more important than all the fancy parties and presents.

You know, that's the thing about Christmas,

you know where your home is.

I mean, whether you can get there or not,

you know where it is.

‐Yeah, it's right here. ‐Yeah.

A toast, then to us.

‐Yeah. ‐And Chuy.

To absent friends.

Yeah. Merry Christmas.

‐Merry Christmas. ‐Merry Christmas. I love you.

So how do you feel?

About this big.

Yeah, I'm cold, too. Let's get out of here.

(gasps)

What a nightmare!

You're no Andy Garcia yourself.

Who are you?

Topper.

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

You're not much for picking up on a pattern, are you?

Look at the TV.

Hey. It's me.

That's right. It's your future.

No. Don't show it to me. I don't want to see it.

It's either this or A Very Brady Christmas,

and I've got the clicker, so relax and enjoy.

How far in the future are we?

It's an all‐gay army now.

They haven't won any wars,

but the parades are fabulous.

Psst!

Christmas gift exchange at 5:00.

What are you, crazy?

You know the new owner doesn't allow us to celebrate Christmas.

New owner?

You mean the ladies lose the hotel?

Rose, Rose. Rose, it was horrible!

Oh, Blanche, what's wrong?

I just came from my church social.

Henry Richards, the most eligible man in the congregation,

he tried to...

He tried to...

‐Kiss me. ‐Oh!

I just felt so unclean.

In the future, Blanche hates men?

Pretty good plot twist, huh?

I simply cannot ever look at another man

ever since that horrible, evil thing married me

and then divorced me to get this hotel.

‐Oh, I hate him! ‐Oh, I hate him, too.

Hey, who is this monster who bought the hotel anyways?

Roland: Oh, look. It's Mr. Castillos,

prince of business,

who drives all lesser mortals before him

like leaves in a storm.

What's up?

Now do you see?

Your hatred of Christmas

turned you into a greedy, selfish monster

who everybody hates.

Surely not everybody can hate me.

What about Sophia?

Hey, where's Sophia?

Oh, Mr. Castillos, I know how you hate and despise Christmas,

but I was wondering if you perhaps could find it in your heart

to let us have a little celebration?

You want a celebration?

Okay.

But we celebrate my way. (laughs)

Oh, Spoonhead!

Spoonhead, come out here!

(Chuy laughs)

Dance, Spoonhead, dance, I say!

(laughing)

This is terrible!

Isn't there anything I can do to stop this from happening?

Of course you can stop it.

Change your ways and you change the future.

I got to go now.

(gasps) Oh, man, what a dream!

It's still Christmas. I haven't missed it.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

The freezer!

(screaming)

(continues screaming)

(gasps) Oh, man. Talk about gilding the lily.

All right, I get it, I get it!

No more goofy cap.

I am awake. And I still do have time!

And thanks to Inner Strength seminars,

my horrible memories of that so‐called holiday are almost completely gone.

(applause)

Thank you. Thank you, Wanda, for that very special testimony

on a day like any other day.

‐Merry Christmas! ‐(crowd gasping)

‐Merry Christmas, everybody! ‐Stop it!

Will you stop it?

This is a seminar for people trying to get over Christmas!

I used to be just like you.

Look, give me a minute, and let me tell you this little story, okay.

Look, when I was a kid, I hated Christmas.

You know, and my dad was a fair man,

but he worked us really hard,

and had this strange way of celebrating Christmas, you know.

Again.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Again.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

‐Louder. ‐Shhh. No.

I'm afraid those people from the seminar are gonna hear.

Besides, Roland has to be over at the children's hospital in half an hour.

Oh, yeah. Rose, thank you for everything you've done.

I hope I don't let you down.

Oh, don't worry.

The minute you put on that red velvet jacket

and grab your sack of goodies,

you can't help but bring pleasure to people's lives.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

‐Merry Christmas! Come on in. ‐all: Merry Christmas!

Hey, wait a minute! What is this?

I thought you people hated Christmas!

Well, we did, but Chuy told us about this really amazing dream that he had.

And after checking his blood alcohol level, it really got us thinking.

Chuy's right.

Christmas isn't a time to be self‐involved,

it's a time for sharing your life with others.

Maybe if I was a licensed therapist, I'd have known that.

Oh! Now, this is what I call a real Christmas celebration.

Everybody talking and sharing and acting jolly.

Did somebody say jolly?

Oh‐ho‐ho!

Look at you! You're so authentic!

What do you say, Blanche?

Hey, those are my boots.

You know what will be fun?

Let's sing some Christmas carols.

Oh, I don't know if this group is ready for carols yet.

Oh, come on. Let's give it a shot.

♪ O come All ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant

♪ O come ye

♪ O come ye To Bethlehem... ♪

Sophia,

you're being awful quiet through all of this.

Don't you have something to say?

Actually, I do.

Merry Christmas, shmistmas to all

and to all a good night.

♪ O come Let us adore Him ♪

♪ Christ the Lord

♪ Sing, choirs of angels

♪ Sing in exultation

(singing "Jingle Bells")

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride On a one‐horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride On a one‐horse open sleigh ♪

(all cheering)